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April 1

How long can a normal, healthy 8 week old kitten survive inside an adult python? URGENT!
posted by :-O ^x^ to pets & animals at 9:16 AM - 23 answers +

You never call, you never *write*...what am I chopped liver?
posted by your mother to human relations at 9:16 AM - 1 answers +

Hi, I want my girlfriend to dress up like a Wookie in bed but she will not do it. How can I change her mind?
posted by wannawubbawookie to pets & animals at 9:16 AM - 9 answers +

WhatIsItFilter: help me ID this weird thing I found. It's flat, maybe 2.5 by 3.5 inches but made out of some thin, flexible material. Series of 16 number in groups of four, and somebody's name -- I guess? -- carved into it. There's a creepy black stripe on the back, and some indecipherable writing. I asked all my friends, and we're totally freaked out. Google returns nothing. Help!
posted by no_personal_checks to religion & philosophy at 9:16 AM - 4 answers +

Where's Waldo?
posted by Jimmy Svendsen, age 7 to education at 9:16 AM - 0 answers +

I'm overweight. This is not a health issue, as I am pretty happy with my weight, feel really good, and have no desire to lose any. It's a problem when I fly though. My girth sort of spills over onto the seat next to me, and sometimes whoever is sitting next to me gets a little snippy at having part of their seat taken up by me. The last time I flew, the skinny woman sitting next to me got really annoyed after I elbowed her for the 10th time, and she asked me if I could please move over a little in my seat. Can you believe it?! I have just as much right to fly as skinny people, and if I end up crowding them in their seat, I guess that's too bad for them; maybe next time they should try taking a Greyhound. So, smart people of AskMe, what are some clever things I can say to the skinny person sitting next to me that will make them shut up and mind their own business? Thanks in advance!
posted by herfderf to what the fuck is WITH people at 9:16 AM - 278 answers +

My cow-orker wears this really annoying beret. We are on a television show and I keep making hints that maybe it's not the best fashion statement -- I bought him a Yankees cap, I talk in an affected French accent whenever he's around -- but he's not getting it. I have access to power tools and explosives, how can I be less subtle?
posted by anonymous to media & arts at 9:16 AM - 11 answers +

Why is it called autoerotic if there are no cars involved?
posted by JgrahamB to thinly veiled excuse to talk about penis at 9:16 AM - 16 answers +

I'm trying to punch through six blocks of ice in one swift blow, but my Google-fu is failing me!
posted by rmacchio to health at 9:16 AM - 3 answers +

She's vegan, I'm a cannibal who hates tofu. Restaurant suggestions? We're in Toronto.
posted by tastesliketofurky to food & drink at 9:16 AM - 9 answers +

DIY petcare: I need to have kitty declawed (momma's drapes are *not* toys!) but I don't want to spend a mint on a vet. How best to do this at home?
posted by ihabapliers to pets & animals at 9:16 AM - 132 answers +

Have you stopped beating your wife, yet? (OSX 10.3, if that helps.)
posted by macintosser to human relations at 9:16 AM - 0 answers +

Help me learn to be a better swimmer, getting wet is NOT an option.
posted by otto didact to sports, hobbies & recreations at 9:16 AM - 21 answers +

Who the hell does this "cortex" guy think he is?
posted by mathowie to MetaFilter related at 9:16 AM - 1 answers +

I found a tasty-looking samosa underneath my hemp rucksack. It's vegan, do you think it's still okay to eat? I was only in jail for like a week.
posted by 2crusty4u to food & drink & health at 9:16 AM - 347 answers +

I got a sneak preview of the last LOST episode and the part where Jack's legs get eaten by a polar bear is really confusing me.
posted by honda civic mod to media & arts at 9:16 AM - 4 8 15 16 23 42 answers +

Robert Altman : art house cinema :: ??? : double-penetration videos? This is for a research paper.
posted by cortex to writing & language at 9:16 AM - 69 answers +

So the Eskimos have 200 words for snow. Can someone provide a Latin translation for those?
posted by penstla to just answer the damned question at 9:16 AM - 3 answers +

how do i shot web
posted by esch, again, if you can believe that shit to shopping at 9:16 AM - 0 answers +

IwishIwerebetteratbeingsuccintwithmywordphrasingwhenI'mtryingtosaysomethingFilter. Seriously, I have a problem. [no more inside]
posted by wstrunk jr. to grab bag at 9:16 AM - 8 answers +

I sort of cut off my right hand (stupid internet thing, long story, don't ask), and now I'm bleeding pretty badly on my keyboard and I'm worried that the blood will gum it up. It's a really good keyboard and I don't know if they even make them any more. Cleaning tips?
posted by tankburn to computers & internet at 9:16 AM - 32 answers +

I have a crazy friend who says it's wrong to eat meat. Is he crazy?
posted by Jimmy to law & governments at 9:16 AM - 212 answers +

Where do babies come from? I asked over at Yahoo Answers but I'm all like NOWAI and they're all like SRSLY. Hope me hivemind!
posted by hotdatethisweekend to technology at 9:16 AM - 45 answers +

Help me settle a bar bet. I'm arguing that Ashton Kutcher's motivation in Punk'd is to present an allegorical deconstruction of the power-dynamics of the early 20th century Western political dialectic, but my asshole friends insist that it's actually a post-post-modern literalist statement about the inevitable triumph of animal greed and shaming behavior over the hopeless but recurring socioeconomic instinct to drive morality and common interest to the center of governmental philosophy. I've got twenty bucks on this, so please don't disappoint me.
posted by PhiMetaKappa to hermeneutics at 9:16 AM - 2 answers +

My girlfriend's boyfriend says that polyamory is all about the sex, but I agree with my partner's life-slave that the deep intellectual connection is what drives truly functional polygeometric relationships. We all want to get a kitten. What should we name it?
posted by secretaltpolyhandshake to just answer the damned question at 9:16 AM - 111 answers +

ChanceMeetingFilter: I had a penpal in the early 80s -- interesting guy, very political, i think he went to Texas Tech -- but just when things were starting to maybe heat up a little (secret love poems, sexy phone calls) he pretty much disappeared in spring of 1981. I haven't heard from him since, and i have to admit i've never stopped thinking about him. But all I can remember his name was something like Hickey. How can I find my long-lost crush?
posted by hollywoodjodie to society & culture at 9:16 AM - 14 answers +

Which kind of chicken that I can buy at the supermarket has the tightest cavity? I need to know for an experiment I'm doing. Are Perdues good? Are fryers better than roasters? You wouldn't get salmonella by putting body parts into raw chicken orifices, right? Thanks for the help.
posted by beatingajoketodeath to grab bag at 9:16 AM - 123 answers +

i run a website called SEOadviceexpertssupreme.com and i'm wondering if there's a good way to get SEOadviceexpertssupreme.com more traffic. Do you have any advice for me or the rest of the contributors to SEOadviceexpertssupreme.com ?
posted by SEOadviceexpertsupreme.com to why so hostile at 9:16 AM - 4 answers +

I'm a teenager, and my rich parents bought me a car that's nicer than yours. I've got a book report on 'The Great Gatsby' due in half an hour, and so I'm going to convince some nerd to write it for me. Would I have better luck by threatening a boy with bodily harm, or tricking a girl into thinking I'm interested in her?
posted by suck it haters to first world problems at 9:16 AM - 78 answers +

Justin Timberlake. O. M. G. Is he not just, like, SO HOT?
posted by ligerbeat to true love always at 9:16 AM - 2 answers +

What is the normal kitten:rock ratio when using the bag-drowning method? Is it 1 bag 1 rock 1 cat or can I put all 6 of them in there with, like, a couple of big stones? Fast-flowing river, if relevant. TIA.
posted by daisy hill puppy farm to pets & animals at 9:16 AM - 88 answers +

I've recently finalized the sale of a long-running community website to a major media conglomerate. I have not yet told the users. Should I embed a veiled admission in a jokey April Fool's page so that I can point to it later and claim that, technically, I *did* warn them?
posted by anonymous to food & the drink at 9:16 AM - 1142 answers +

IS THERE NO CABAL?
posted by and bits and bits and bits to shut UP already at 9:16 AM - 0 answers +

What is my label when I exit boom status?
posted by wtip to amihotornot at 9:16 AM - 5 answers +

Desert island: emacs or vi? This is not hypothetical.
posted by jwz to coconut MESH networks at 9:16 AM - 101101 answers +

My computer doesn't work right. How do I fix it? And don't give me a bunch of Internet dweeb IT Star Wars Dr. Spock FORTRON MySpace Mom's basement mumbo jumbo about error messages or the precise nature of the problem or what kind of computer it is. Can you do that, you sexless freaks?
posted by swirlieman to health at 9:16 AM - 16 answers +

I hear a tornado coming, do I run to the northwest or northEAST corner of my basement?
posted by dorothy_the_trailer_parker to weather & curling at 9:16 AM - 3 answers +

I'm starting an anti-spam newsletter. Would you please tell me your email address? And the email address of your friends, families, and acquaintances?
posted by hormel to why so hostile at 9:16 AM - 54 answers +

Putting together a mixtape for my long-distance honeybunny. What are your favorite Celine Dion tracks?
posted by quonsar to law & government at 9:16 AM - 37 answers +

I was out hunting and I accidentally shot my friend in the face. He's being a whiny bitch about it, can I not claim it's an accident if I shoot him again?
posted by bigtime to law & government at 9:16 AM - 0 answers +

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