Is this guy just too nice for me to stomach?
April 27, 2014 1:41 PM Subscribe
A few weeks ago I met this guy through a friend during a night out. While our group was roaming around the city, the two of us walked a few paces behind the rest, absorbed in our conversation. I found him to be cute and smart, if maybe too nice and self-effacing. But I was
hoping he would ask me out. Strangely, when he did I didn't feel the excitement I was expecting.
posted by caseofyou to Human Relations (57 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
The night we met I left abruptly around 2am when a free cab finally rolled by us, so our goodbye was awkward and rushed. The next morning I got a message from him on facebook asking if I'd like to hang out with him on one one and "continue our conversation." I also found out from my friend that he had asked about me and was worried I had been annoyed because of my abrupt exit.
Usually, I'm thrilled when a guy I see any glimmer of potential with asks me out, but for some reason I felt a bit apathetic after seeing his message. I couldn't figure out why because he seemed full of potential and I enjoyed myself when I was with him. The day we were set to meet, I cancelled last minute. And then again. And again. In total I cancelled and rescheduled four times on him, which is shitty and unlike me. If anything, I'm usually over-eager and reliable when it comes to dating. I did want to see him but I guess not strongly enough to overcome the discomfort of getting ready for a date and managing my shyness. I expected him to write me off after the second cancellation, but instead each time I cancelled he was remarkably pleasant about it. Reliably, he would always message me on the new date I had suggested to ask what time I wanted to meet up that night.
Finally, I was able to make our date one night and we had a nice time. We went to a bar and then took a long walk that ended with us sitting in a park kissing (he made the first move). Mid-make out he stopped and asked in his fumbling, apologetic way if I'd like to go back to his place and admire the view from his roof. I thought his suggestion was premature for a first date and surprising because he had come off as otherwise so gentlemanly. (I'm generally looking for a relationship, not a hookup.) I told him nicely that I should probably get back home. He said that was fine and that he'd like to see me again and suggested we see a movie together next week that he had tickets for. I said that I'd love to. After I left, he sent me a message asking me to let him know when I got home safely and adding, "that was quite lovely. You are quite lovely."
After the date, I still wasn't sure how I felt about him. In the past I've often been obsessive when it comes to guys, sometimes even guys I'm not that into. Yet I wasn't thinking about him at all. I didn't feel much interest in figuring him out, analyzing his intentions, or fantasizing about our potential future.
Our next date (last night) was nice enough, although I immediately noticed that his breadth was bad from even a few feet away. That kind of killed the mood for me. Still I liked him enough to let him lead me to a bar after the movie, chat with him for an hour and make out with in a private nook. At 1am I told him I should head home, and he waited with me while I hailed a taxi. He didn't mention anything during our date about hanging out again, and he didn't text me after to see that I had gotten home okay. I was a little annoyed about that because he knows I live in a rough neighborhood. This afternoon (the day after our date), I got a text from him asking about the name of a movie I had mentioned and wishing me a "sunny Sunday." I responded but haven't heard back. I have a feeling he'll ask me out again, though.
So now I'm just trying to figure out if I'm somehow sabotaging something good. I can't explain why I'm so apathetic about him. He's cute. He's smart, animated and interested in the things I find interesting. He's nice and seems to have his life together. But there are things about him that bother me and I can't tell if I'm just inventing reasons because I've never had a truly healthy relationship. I have a history of dating assholes and I'm still getting over my ex (see my previous threads).
I don't like that he has a beard (silly but beards turn me off). I don't like the fact that he seems to be someone who likes everything and isn't very discriminating. I didn't like how he kept using trendy academic jargon like "hegemony" and "the other" when he was talking about his grad classes. I didn't like that he kept alluding to the guilt he experiences over being a white man. I'm very liberal but I'm turned off when somebody is so indoctrinated in academic trends that they insert jargon into casual conversation, and I find it un-masculine and pointless when a guy harps on his guilt about his race or gender. Am I being unfair? Do I need to do some self-reflection on why I feel this way? Generally, I'm attracted to guys who are a bit more sarcastic, assertive, independent-minded and no-nonsense (probably because my dad is that way!) but those guys often turn out assholes, so my taste hasn't exactly served me well.
This guy is more diffident. He never disagreed with me and eagerly nodded and made sounds of approval whenever I expressed an opinion. But then he also made strange slips in civility, like when he asked me back to his place on our first date or didn't make sure I had returned home safely on our second. (Am I overreacting to these slips?)
I do like the fact that he has been reliable and hasn't cancelled on me once, despite my flakiness.
Sometimes it feels like the guys I meet are either too nice or too caddish and I can't find somebody who is just balanced.
Should I give this guy a chance? If it makes any difference I moved to NYC about six months ago and haven't had much enthusiasm about dating since that move. But I know that I really want to meet someone, settle down and have a normal relationship.