February 18, 2013 10:11 AM Subscribe
I've slept with a lot of guys and only enjoyed it with like 10% of them. Are my standards too high, or too low, or what?
posted by anonymous to human relations (21 answers total) 15 users marked this as a favorite
So I know a lot of people say that chemistry doesn't really matter in the long run in relationships, the spark always fades with time, you shouldn't choose partners just based on whether you feel attracted to them, etc.
Well. I (mid20s lady) very frequently find myself out on dates with guys who are fine! Interesting! Attractive! Funny! But I don't feel a spark. I don't feel attracted, but I don't feel put off or repulsed at all either. The guys are just, like, fine. And I figure- well, I might grow to feel more for them with a little more time and intimacy. (Generally I meet these guys online although not always- sometimes they ask me out IRL.)
And then, often, I hook up with these attractive funny smart guys who I don't feel much of a spark with... and it sucks. The sex just does nothing for me, even if I come. And then my ambivalence turns immediately to a feeling of NOPE NOPE NOPE and I stop seeing them because I realize that, no, I can't fool myself into liking THIS one, either. I can't tell you how many times this has happened. Too many.
I've felt that chemistry I lack with them before, though not very often. I'd say maybe seven or eight guys have made me feel this way- my mood improves when I'm around them, I look forward to the next time I see them, I have engaging conversations with them, and the idea of sex with them turn me on. And every one of them has been a guy I met in real life- NOT a guy from online. Some of those guys have been available, some not for various reasons. I've managed to sleep with two of them, and date one of those two- and I pursued them both initially. And sex with those two was far and away the best sex of my life, no question, not even close. The only times I've felt truly sexy, and the only times I've genuinely enjoyed giving head. The only times I've felt tingly when being touched, instead of feeling... nothing.
But. I don't know. It didn't work out with those two guys... and plenty of the guys I dropped for having no chemistry would probably have been good partners to me... so I'm of two minds. One part wants to stop online dating altogether because 30+ guys and zero chemistry equals bad idea, and get extremely picky about who I choose to sleep with, only doing it with guys who I feel this genuine attraction towards... even if that means going months or years without a date, because it happens so seldom. Another part wants to stop making such immediate assumptions, that just because I feel eh about a guy initially and don't love the sex right away I could never fall in love with him, and try harder and not run away immediately when that happens.
I don't know what to do. I only know that I'm tired of this and one way or another I want to fall in love again.