April 11, 2012 10:25 PM Subscribe
I'm a finicky dater. Should I give up on online dating?
posted by aintthattheway to human relations (38 answers total) 28 users marked this as a favorite
I've recently moved back to my large, metropolitan city after a year away. A few months ago, I put up an OkCupid profile in the interest of meeting people both for dating and general socializing (if the occasion should somehow arise!).. I've used the profile before without success for brief periods in the past. One of the main reasons I put it up again was due to my now depleted, post-college social options -- I thought dating would be a good way to meet new people, since friendships seem less and less likely a source for introducing me to potential partners.
I've been on quite a few dates, and they all go like this:
(1) Plan is made to meet for drinks/coffee. Yay! Being social! But oh no, I am not super excited about the person in question.
(2) Drinks/coffee happens, fine conversation is had, things are neither terrible nor sparky. The person seems like he could probably be a friend. Socializing is okay! But oh no, I am not intrigued and am having zero positive thoughts about even potentially kissing this person.
(3) We say goodbye and hug. I go home and feel happy to be home.
(4) Guy (usually) asks me out again. I feel deeply guilty as I probably over-kindly explain that I would rather not go out again.
This is how literally every single OkCupid date has gone. I have even asked out some people I think I might be attracted to, which leaves me feeling even worse when I turn them down for a second date after having felt nothing. In the past, I would go on several dates, but I eventually learned that the first date was a good indicator of how I would feel later on. I need at least curiosity or a sense of intrigue.
It has begun to occur to me that maybe I require the safety and charm of ambiguous male-female social interaction, however frustrating it can be. I don't think I've ever gone on a true-to-form verifiable date that's been successful without either knowing the person beforehand or already being in a relationship with them.
Being an introvert and an all-around over-sensitive person means the whole process is a lot more draining than it should probably be. I feel nervous before a date, mildly uncomfortable during when I realize I'm not attracted to the person, and sad afterward when I turn them down without having what could be considered a very good reason.
It might also be good to note that I've always been very selective when it comes to men, with the guys I choose (a decently varied group) both being mysterious/unpredictable in terms of physical attractiveness and making me feel comfortable and trusting. They're probably not people who would stand out that much in a crowd -- but I like them, for my strange, finicky reasons.
Finally, a few other notes: I'm not necessarily very physically reserved as a rule, so I don't think fear of intimacy is really an issue. While I'm extremely physically aloof with anyone I'm not very attracted to, with those I am, I don't wait all that long to commence with the sexytimes.
So, all that out of the way -- am I totally doomed with this online dating business? Has anyone with similar dating habits/experiences found luck with OkCupid? If not, how did you find luck? Is there a better way of finding potential matches that gels more with my personality?
(Last note: not sure if this matters or not, but I wouldn't really call myself "lonely" at the moment. So there isn't a sense of urgency behind this... I just think a companion could be fun, and a crush would be just stellar.)