No I'm not into motorcycles or coming to your hotel room when your in town for business next week.
November 23, 2010 12:49 PM Subscribe
Online Dating Filter: I seem to be getting attention from every guy, but the ones I want, what am I doing wrong?
posted by anonymous to human relations (45 answers total) 14 users marked this as a favorite
I'm on okcupid and match.com. I'm a straight late 20s professional female living in a large city. Lots of guys are messaging, winking, favoriting me, but I'm interested in virtually none of them. I've tried messaging maybe 5-10 guys who I was interested in and have gotten no response. What can I do to attract guys that I am actually interested in?
The guys that message me tend to fall into one the following categories: emails offering to me my sugar daddy, guys much older than me, guys who are arrogant or condescending, random messages from guys who clearly haven’t read my profile (Wut up?? LOL :)), guys who seem nice enough but have absolutely nothing in common with me, guys whose profile appeal to me, but I am in no way attracted to at all, religious guys, and of course the to be expected sexually explicit messages.
Here’s roughly what I’m looking for (and yes all these are flexible, I am open to other types of guys, but I find these to be the types of guys I am both compatible with and attracted to).
Someone 25 and 35 (although this is a little flexible).
Educated, probably with at least a college degree.
Some sort of profession or career. It doesn’t need to be high paying, but I want someone with some degree of direction and ambition in their life.
Atheist, agnostic or someone not particularly religious
Liberal or at the least socially liberal (I’m not dating someone pro life or anti gay marriage)
Wants kids someday. This day can be quite far off in the future though, that's fine. I am in absolutely no rush.
In decent shape and at least somewhat conventionally attractive. I realize this may be what is tripping me up, but my last relationship was with someone who was not physically my type who I was really trying to give a chance because “looks shouldn’t matter and fade anyway.” It always sort of bothered me and I realized how much I had been missing when I had some flings with guys I was very physically attracted to.
And of course is good person.
Some maybe relevant facts about me:
I have a job that sounds pretty good on paper, in real life it’s pretty mundane. I try to convey this in my profile by saying that despite that I’m an X, I don’t have a typical job for an X. I don’t post how much I make because I think it’s tacky. I make far less than people might think I do. I hate to get into male stereotypes involving guys not wanting to date women with more education and a higher salary than them, but I do wonder if this is a legitimate stumbling block for me. (I mention this because when I'm out at bars and guys ask me what I do, I get sort of a "oh wow hmm" awkward silence reaction from guys, oddly my male friends in the same profession get a rather more positive response...)
I’m usually described as being “cute” or “pretty.” I’m about a size 8 and I’m in decent shape, but I could definitely drop 5-10 more pounds and tone up a little. I think the photos I have posted are pretty flattering. I’m very curvy (for body type I put down “average” because curvy seems to be code for being a little overweight and large chested and I don’t think I fall into this category). I'm told I look much younger than I am, but I don't try to look young.
I've written my profile in a pretty funny, offbeat way. I get LOTS of positive comments about this and I've had a couple of friends read it and gotten very positive feedback, but I worry I should possibly tone down my personality a little in my profile?
I have a pretty weird background. I've moved around and traveled a lot.
When I message guys I usually keep it short. 3-4 sentences referencing something in their profile and maybe asking one or two questions.
At the end of the day I’m looking for a long term relationship that might lead to marriage, but I in no way want to get married and have kids right away. This isn't to say though that I'm looking for something super serious to start with, I just don't want to date someone that is not open to the possibility should the relationship go there. How do I find guys who looking for similar things who are also interested in me? Am I aiming a little too far out of my league (it’s ok, I can handle it)? What am I do wrong? I know online dating is a numbers game, but this is getting ridiculous. In the easily 6 months I’ve been doing this, I’ve received hundreds of messages, but I’ve only gone on four dates. Two were awful and two were fine, but there was no chemistry. Should I give guys I'm not particularly attracted to more of a chance? However, I worry about getting into another relationship with someone I'm not completely attracted to or leading someone on, which I think could be very hurtful.
I've looked at the Okcupid blog and it seems like I'm doing everything right, but keeping up with the emails is exhausting and I don't have much to show for it.