How to be an adult in the aftermath of a bad breakup?
May 25, 2010 6:54 AM Subscribe
I just got dumped. I'm devastated and she's happy. How do I handle this in an adult fashion in today's internet dominated world? Snowflake details & three well-defined questions inside.
Backstory (some details maybe NSFW)
Mid/late 20s, we'd been going out for 5+ years. 4 and a half of that we lived together. Like any couple, we had our differences, our ups and downs. And like any relationship of that duration, we had our issues with stagnation and over-comfortability. But on the whole, I was happy. I loved her through and through and thought she felt the same.
About 8 months ago, she brought up opening the relationship a bit, for some non-monogamous sexual fun. She broached it under the guise of just having some fun together. She was curious about other people and wanted to have some NSA friends with benefits. I readily agreed. (I had actually brought the same thing up, for the same reasons about 3 years ago. At the time, we didn't open up anything other than some voyeuristic fun with another couple we're close friends with.)
She found a play partner right away. In fact, had one in mind when she brought up the non-monogamy. Despite some hiccups with communication, the speed at which things were happening, and the wrong person to start opening up with, overall I think it went ok. It was just her playing with another guy, but I got to hear all the juicy details, and it definitely lit a fire under our own sex life. But after two months, I asked her to stop playing with this guy as he wasn't respecting our relationship. He said somethings that raised huge red flags for me (not wanting me to know/watch, he said he felt like he was cuckholding me, and he was constantly pressuring my girlfriend to do more than she was comfortable with).
But with the huge increase in communication that non-monogamy brings, as well as the good jolt of newness, by winter I was more in love with her than ever. I felt more intimate and close, and thought she was the same. Moving forward, I asked her to slow down with the playing with other people, and asked for more active participation for me and more open communication from her.
Fast forward a month or two and she decides, unbeknownst to me, she's tired of slow and wants to play on her own. So she does. Finds another play partner, and starts actively looking for more. Only tells me about half of what goes on, and in a "I'm doing this whether you like or not" attitude, not in a "lets do this together" one. Some of what she does tell me is only a "what", not any "with whom". The rest of it she hides. So I start to get paranoid. Our sex life that was on fire starts to tank. I chalk it up to my insecurities as she verbally reassures me - I'm still in love with you, still find you sexually attractive, etc. And other than the sex, and a slight decrease in romance that I attributed to some untimely job stress, I thought we were still ok.
Two weeks ago - after an odd night out which she refuses to tell me what happened - she takes a few days off. Stays at a friends house to think. Returns with the bomb that she no longer wants to be with me. Gives some generic answers when I ask why, the kind of generic answers that you're supposed to give when breaking up with someone - even when I press for specifics. The "it's not you, it's me". The "I don't think we're compatible and I need to figure out what I want". She said it wasn't the play partners - she just saw them as harmless fun - even as she confessed to some details she had been hiding. I asked her straight up if there was anyone else, and she said no.
This past weekend, I find out she's in love with someone else. Spends a romantic weekend getaway with him. He's the "most awesome person alive" and it was the "best weekend ever". I find this all out through a few posts on a public message board she frequents. (And not outside the realm of possibility that I'd see.) The kicker? This is a totally new guy that she wasn't playing with (that I know of).
So I'm crushed. And I don't know how to deal with this in an adult fashion.
Questions
1) How to appropriately respond in public internet spaces? It's not hard to see through Twitter, Facebook, and public message boards (cough) that she's delightfully happy. My own first reaction was to delete all my accounts, hole up, and grieve. But my mind and emotions are eating themselves. How public can I be with my grief or my anger? If someone (like her family member or a mutual friend) sees something I post and then confronts her about her new lover, is that bad? I mean, part of me wishes that she sees how much I hurt. And if she's inconvenienced by it, then all the better. Is that juvenile? Or not my problem?
2) How do I stop the bleeding? To find out that that she played behind my back hurts enough. And then to find out she was actually in love with another person (who I've met and thought was just a good friend of hers) hurts even worse. And to top it off I'm re-evaluating everything about our relationship over the past 8 months and wondering how deep the lies go. It. Sucks. So how do I stop constantly thinking about it, about her, about us, about them? I can't focus on work, I can't do anything but sleep, cry, and drink on the weekend. I don't want to be a high-schooler about this, and it feels like I am. Adult/responsible behavioral tips?
3) (NSFW) How to stay sex positive coming out of this? I'm a pretty sexually open person, with non-vanilla interests. How can I prevent becoming fearful, scared, or incapable of sexual expression? I'm not as worried about the stuff we did do together, as that's like any nice memory. I'm worried about the stuff I wanted to do with her - and in turn rejected me. The stuff she decided she didn't want to do with me, then did - and is doing - with other people. Maybe it's too soon to worry about this given question #2. But still, I don't want to end up sexually/mentally disabled.
Thanks for reading, and thanks for any comments. Throwaway: brokenheartontheinternet@gmail.com
Backstory (some details maybe NSFW)
Mid/late 20s, we'd been going out for 5+ years. 4 and a half of that we lived together. Like any couple, we had our differences, our ups and downs. And like any relationship of that duration, we had our issues with stagnation and over-comfortability. But on the whole, I was happy. I loved her through and through and thought she felt the same.
About 8 months ago, she brought up opening the relationship a bit, for some non-monogamous sexual fun. She broached it under the guise of just having some fun together. She was curious about other people and wanted to have some NSA friends with benefits. I readily agreed. (I had actually brought the same thing up, for the same reasons about 3 years ago. At the time, we didn't open up anything other than some voyeuristic fun with another couple we're close friends with.)
She found a play partner right away. In fact, had one in mind when she brought up the non-monogamy. Despite some hiccups with communication, the speed at which things were happening, and the wrong person to start opening up with, overall I think it went ok. It was just her playing with another guy, but I got to hear all the juicy details, and it definitely lit a fire under our own sex life. But after two months, I asked her to stop playing with this guy as he wasn't respecting our relationship. He said somethings that raised huge red flags for me (not wanting me to know/watch, he said he felt like he was cuckholding me, and he was constantly pressuring my girlfriend to do more than she was comfortable with).
But with the huge increase in communication that non-monogamy brings, as well as the good jolt of newness, by winter I was more in love with her than ever. I felt more intimate and close, and thought she was the same. Moving forward, I asked her to slow down with the playing with other people, and asked for more active participation for me and more open communication from her.
Fast forward a month or two and she decides, unbeknownst to me, she's tired of slow and wants to play on her own. So she does. Finds another play partner, and starts actively looking for more. Only tells me about half of what goes on, and in a "I'm doing this whether you like or not" attitude, not in a "lets do this together" one. Some of what she does tell me is only a "what", not any "with whom". The rest of it she hides. So I start to get paranoid. Our sex life that was on fire starts to tank. I chalk it up to my insecurities as she verbally reassures me - I'm still in love with you, still find you sexually attractive, etc. And other than the sex, and a slight decrease in romance that I attributed to some untimely job stress, I thought we were still ok.
Two weeks ago - after an odd night out which she refuses to tell me what happened - she takes a few days off. Stays at a friends house to think. Returns with the bomb that she no longer wants to be with me. Gives some generic answers when I ask why, the kind of generic answers that you're supposed to give when breaking up with someone - even when I press for specifics. The "it's not you, it's me". The "I don't think we're compatible and I need to figure out what I want". She said it wasn't the play partners - she just saw them as harmless fun - even as she confessed to some details she had been hiding. I asked her straight up if there was anyone else, and she said no.
This past weekend, I find out she's in love with someone else. Spends a romantic weekend getaway with him. He's the "most awesome person alive" and it was the "best weekend ever". I find this all out through a few posts on a public message board she frequents. (And not outside the realm of possibility that I'd see.) The kicker? This is a totally new guy that she wasn't playing with (that I know of).
So I'm crushed. And I don't know how to deal with this in an adult fashion.
Questions
1) How to appropriately respond in public internet spaces? It's not hard to see through Twitter, Facebook, and public message boards (cough) that she's delightfully happy. My own first reaction was to delete all my accounts, hole up, and grieve. But my mind and emotions are eating themselves. How public can I be with my grief or my anger? If someone (like her family member or a mutual friend) sees something I post and then confronts her about her new lover, is that bad? I mean, part of me wishes that she sees how much I hurt. And if she's inconvenienced by it, then all the better. Is that juvenile? Or not my problem?
2) How do I stop the bleeding? To find out that that she played behind my back hurts enough. And then to find out she was actually in love with another person (who I've met and thought was just a good friend of hers) hurts even worse. And to top it off I'm re-evaluating everything about our relationship over the past 8 months and wondering how deep the lies go. It. Sucks. So how do I stop constantly thinking about it, about her, about us, about them? I can't focus on work, I can't do anything but sleep, cry, and drink on the weekend. I don't want to be a high-schooler about this, and it feels like I am. Adult/responsible behavioral tips?
3) (NSFW) How to stay sex positive coming out of this? I'm a pretty sexually open person, with non-vanilla interests. How can I prevent becoming fearful, scared, or incapable of sexual expression? I'm not as worried about the stuff we did do together, as that's like any nice memory. I'm worried about the stuff I wanted to do with her - and in turn rejected me. The stuff she decided she didn't want to do with me, then did - and is doing - with other people. Maybe it's too soon to worry about this given question #2. But still, I don't want to end up sexually/mentally disabled.
Thanks for reading, and thanks for any comments. Throwaway: brokenheartontheinternet@gmail.com
1) How to appropriately respond in public internet spaces?
Don't. Defriend her on Facebook. Take a break from some of the forums if you need to. Whatever you do, don't be the guy who is dragging all the dirty linen out in public. Her family doesn't need to read about how angry you are about the other guy, and a few years (or months) from now you won't be proud of having said that.
2) How do I stop the bleeding?
Time. It just takes time. And it takes creating new and positive things in your life -- reconnecting with old hobbies, making new friends, doing cool things. Time heals, but not if you are obsessing over details in your basement of gloom.
3) (NSFW) How to stay sex positive coming out of this?
By finding someone who treats you better and finds you hot. There are plenty of kink-ful people out there, and many of them won't lie to you, cheat on you, and make you feel bad (well, unless you want them to do those things, of course -- but that's the subject of a different AskMe). There's an old cliche about the best way to get over one person is to get under another, and there's some truth there. But (as with Q#2 above) it might take time for you to be ready and be in a place where you can be a good (sexual) partner to someone new. In other words, you solve this by (in time) doing it, not by obsessing about it now -- worrying won't fix anything, and instead makes it worse.
posted by Forktine at 7:08 AM on May 25, 2010 [7 favorites]
Don't. Defriend her on Facebook. Take a break from some of the forums if you need to. Whatever you do, don't be the guy who is dragging all the dirty linen out in public. Her family doesn't need to read about how angry you are about the other guy, and a few years (or months) from now you won't be proud of having said that.
2) How do I stop the bleeding?
Time. It just takes time. And it takes creating new and positive things in your life -- reconnecting with old hobbies, making new friends, doing cool things. Time heals, but not if you are obsessing over details in your basement of gloom.
3) (NSFW) How to stay sex positive coming out of this?
By finding someone who treats you better and finds you hot. There are plenty of kink-ful people out there, and many of them won't lie to you, cheat on you, and make you feel bad (well, unless you want them to do those things, of course -- but that's the subject of a different AskMe). There's an old cliche about the best way to get over one person is to get under another, and there's some truth there. But (as with Q#2 above) it might take time for you to be ready and be in a place where you can be a good (sexual) partner to someone new. In other words, you solve this by (in time) doing it, not by obsessing about it now -- worrying won't fix anything, and instead makes it worse.
posted by Forktine at 7:08 AM on May 25, 2010 [7 favorites]
Pretty much what randomname25 said. You won't realize this now -- CAN'T realize this now -- because you can't see the forest for the trees when you're this close to things...but two years from now, you will look back on this with the clear vision of hindsight and be VERY happy that you are rid of her.
As far as stopping the bleeding? Get busy. After this sort of event, your brain goes to dark places when it's bored. So don't let it get bored. Learn to cook (better), volunteer, take up a new hobby and totally dive into it...or revisit an old hobby.
Don't respond in public places. Be the better person. See what I said up above about being happy she's out of your life two years from now? Let that be it. Please, let that be it. Because if you get in some sloppy, emo, internet tug of war now...that shit doesn't go away. Two years from now, when you google your name, you'll be reminded what an idiot you were in public. Don't be that guy.
Staying sex-positive? Hmm. Don't have good advice there, but hopefully somebody will.
posted by kaseijin at 7:09 AM on May 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
As far as stopping the bleeding? Get busy. After this sort of event, your brain goes to dark places when it's bored. So don't let it get bored. Learn to cook (better), volunteer, take up a new hobby and totally dive into it...or revisit an old hobby.
Don't respond in public places. Be the better person. See what I said up above about being happy she's out of your life two years from now? Let that be it. Please, let that be it. Because if you get in some sloppy, emo, internet tug of war now...that shit doesn't go away. Two years from now, when you google your name, you'll be reminded what an idiot you were in public. Don't be that guy.
Staying sex-positive? Hmm. Don't have good advice there, but hopefully somebody will.
posted by kaseijin at 7:09 AM on May 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
I can help you with #1.
On Facebook, you can block seeing someone's updates. You'll still be friends and she'll never know. Next time she posts a status update, hover over it, and a "hide" button will appear. Choose that, then you can choose "Hide [name]". You'll still be friends with her, but none of her things will show up in your news feed. It sounds like a little thing, but it's huge. I did this with an ex, and while I may still go to his page to see what's up (and I don't have to have the "WHY'D YOU DEFRIEND ME?!" conversation, I'm not bombarded with the stupid little minutiae that he posts on there...YES YOU'RE HAPPY, I GET IT.
Similarly, on Twitter, just unfollow. Unless she has a small number of followers, she probably won't notice losing one. Without going through her followers list, she won't know unless she tries to DM you.
Don't post stuff online that people can see/read. If you change your relationship status to single on Facebook or something, that's one thing. (And if it were me, I'd change my relationship status, and immediately delete the "story" from the "newsfeed" (I have no idea what the hell the terms are for it, but you know.) Writing status updates and talking about how she has a new boyfriend is definitely not cool.
People seem to forget that while your close friends are on the internet, writing something publicly on it (Facebook, Twitter, message boards) isn't like having a conversation with a couple friends over coffee. It's like having everyone you've ever met sitting in an auditorium and you standing on a stage with a spotlight and a microphone. Don't be that guy.
posted by AlisonM at 7:12 AM on May 25, 2010 [4 favorites]
On Facebook, you can block seeing someone's updates. You'll still be friends and she'll never know. Next time she posts a status update, hover over it, and a "hide" button will appear. Choose that, then you can choose "Hide [name]". You'll still be friends with her, but none of her things will show up in your news feed. It sounds like a little thing, but it's huge. I did this with an ex, and while I may still go to his page to see what's up (and I don't have to have the "WHY'D YOU DEFRIEND ME?!" conversation, I'm not bombarded with the stupid little minutiae that he posts on there...YES YOU'RE HAPPY, I GET IT.
Similarly, on Twitter, just unfollow. Unless she has a small number of followers, she probably won't notice losing one. Without going through her followers list, she won't know unless she tries to DM you.
Don't post stuff online that people can see/read. If you change your relationship status to single on Facebook or something, that's one thing. (And if it were me, I'd change my relationship status, and immediately delete the "story" from the "newsfeed" (I have no idea what the hell the terms are for it, but you know.) Writing status updates and talking about how she has a new boyfriend is definitely not cool.
People seem to forget that while your close friends are on the internet, writing something publicly on it (Facebook, Twitter, message boards) isn't like having a conversation with a couple friends over coffee. It's like having everyone you've ever met sitting in an auditorium and you standing on a stage with a spotlight and a microphone. Don't be that guy.
posted by AlisonM at 7:12 AM on May 25, 2010 [4 favorites]
1. I can't say this strongly enough - please, please don't post your feelings all over the internet! It will feel good in the short term, but you almost undoubtedly regret it and feel like a total fool later on, and you can't take it back.
posted by MexicanYenta at 7:12 AM on May 25, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by MexicanYenta at 7:12 AM on May 25, 2010 [4 favorites]
Wow, she sucks bigtime. Buddy, you got screwed, and I'm sorry. But you'll be better in the long run, believe me.
1) Stop following her on Twitter, Facebook, anywhere else. It's easy enough to filter her activity out of your life. She doesn't get to 'keep' any of those services.
2) Keep yourself busy. Hitting the reset button sucks, and time doing nothing is time to think and dwell.. This is where friends and family come in. Re-connect with them. The things that you love to do? Do those things. Don't put any big expectations on yourself, none of this stuff will help you feel 'amazing' initially. But it will be stress/anxiety relief.
3) Don't worry about this yet. You'll get back on the horse (so to speak) once you start to feel better about yourself.
Just to reiterate - give yourself time. This was a long, committed relationship, and she screwed you over badly. It's going to take a while to get back on your feet. That's ok. Be sure to take care of yourself during all of this, it's easy to get wrapped up in it and not sleep, drink/smoke too much, etc. None of that helps your mental state, it just makes it worse. Take care of yourself.
And a side note? When you're ready to get back out there? Women *love* this kind of story. You're a good guy, you tried to treat your partner like an equal in a serious, adult relationship, and she fucked up. There are awesome women who will recognize this, and will be totally down to spend time with you.
posted by swngnmonk at 7:18 AM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
1) Stop following her on Twitter, Facebook, anywhere else. It's easy enough to filter her activity out of your life. She doesn't get to 'keep' any of those services.
2) Keep yourself busy. Hitting the reset button sucks, and time doing nothing is time to think and dwell.. This is where friends and family come in. Re-connect with them. The things that you love to do? Do those things. Don't put any big expectations on yourself, none of this stuff will help you feel 'amazing' initially. But it will be stress/anxiety relief.
3) Don't worry about this yet. You'll get back on the horse (so to speak) once you start to feel better about yourself.
Just to reiterate - give yourself time. This was a long, committed relationship, and she screwed you over badly. It's going to take a while to get back on your feet. That's ok. Be sure to take care of yourself during all of this, it's easy to get wrapped up in it and not sleep, drink/smoke too much, etc. None of that helps your mental state, it just makes it worse. Take care of yourself.
And a side note? When you're ready to get back out there? Women *love* this kind of story. You're a good guy, you tried to treat your partner like an equal in a serious, adult relationship, and she fucked up. There are awesome women who will recognize this, and will be totally down to spend time with you.
posted by swngnmonk at 7:18 AM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Miss one bus there is another on the way
take a nail and drive it into the nail to bury the first nail
Did you learn something useful about yourself is the big question
time heals all wounds and wounds all heels.
most of us have been in situations like this in one or another form and here we are alive and well enough to tell you you will be ok. You will be.
posted by Postroad at 7:19 AM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
take a nail and drive it into the nail to bury the first nail
Did you learn something useful about yourself is the big question
time heals all wounds and wounds all heels.
most of us have been in situations like this in one or another form and here we are alive and well enough to tell you you will be ok. You will be.
posted by Postroad at 7:19 AM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Dude, I am so sorry you are going through this. For what it's worth, I admire the fact that you're even able to put together a coherent post, let alone ask such smart questions.
1) Don't. Really, don't. You'll just end up in a public slanging match and rather than making her look like the Whore of Babylon, you'll just make yourself look like Creepy Unhinged Stalker Ex.
She knows how much you hurt. She just doesn't care. Don't worry about it; karma will correct that for you.
Unfollow and then block her on Twitter. Unfriend her on Facebook. Change your password on any forums where she's posting by typing garbage into the password box. Put this potential drama down, walk away, and do not look back at it.
2) This sounds more or less like exactly where you're supposed to be. It sucks at any age. The only difference is that the very first time it happens, you don't have the experience to know that you won't actually die of grief. The next time it happens, you at least know you'll survive and it's just a tiny bit easier.
Regardless, the only thing that cures it is time. The only way to cushion it is to rally your friends, take up a new hobby, hit the gym, hit the booze (but not too hard), take a trip, rescue a dog, visit your family, and generally keep busy and distracted. In the long term, fake a happy life until it feels like it fits. In the short term, make getting through each day your goal.
3) I think, yes, that it is too soon to worry about this. I think that with time, when all the chips have fallen, you may see all of this in a different narrative. Everything you know (or think you know) is overwhelmed by the enormity of what you feel; with time and some distance, your perspective on the relationship is very likely to change. That's totally normal and healthy, but know that the terrible fear and insecurity you feel around being dumped will also change with time.
Again, I'm really sorry this has happened to you.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:20 AM on May 25, 2010 [5 favorites]
1) Don't. Really, don't. You'll just end up in a public slanging match and rather than making her look like the Whore of Babylon, you'll just make yourself look like Creepy Unhinged Stalker Ex.
She knows how much you hurt. She just doesn't care. Don't worry about it; karma will correct that for you.
Unfollow and then block her on Twitter. Unfriend her on Facebook. Change your password on any forums where she's posting by typing garbage into the password box. Put this potential drama down, walk away, and do not look back at it.
2) This sounds more or less like exactly where you're supposed to be. It sucks at any age. The only difference is that the very first time it happens, you don't have the experience to know that you won't actually die of grief. The next time it happens, you at least know you'll survive and it's just a tiny bit easier.
Regardless, the only thing that cures it is time. The only way to cushion it is to rally your friends, take up a new hobby, hit the gym, hit the booze (but not too hard), take a trip, rescue a dog, visit your family, and generally keep busy and distracted. In the long term, fake a happy life until it feels like it fits. In the short term, make getting through each day your goal.
3) I think, yes, that it is too soon to worry about this. I think that with time, when all the chips have fallen, you may see all of this in a different narrative. Everything you know (or think you know) is overwhelmed by the enormity of what you feel; with time and some distance, your perspective on the relationship is very likely to change. That's totally normal and healthy, but know that the terrible fear and insecurity you feel around being dumped will also change with time.
Again, I'm really sorry this has happened to you.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:20 AM on May 25, 2010 [5 favorites]
I mean, part of me wishes that she sees how much I hurt. And if she's inconvenienced by it, then all the better. Is that juvenile? Or not my problem?
I completely understand this feeling. And yes, it's juvenile. And it won't work, anyway, because (at least temporarily) she has Moved On. Her head is in a totally different space, and displays of your wounded heart and soul will only irritate her, not make her have an epiphany about how badly she's fucked up. You will end up looking - to her, if not to your mutual social circle - like a jerk, and/or it will make mutual social circle friends so uncomfortable that they'll back away.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you. Get the world yanked out from under your feet is hideous. It's okay to hole up and lick your wounds for a while, and it's okay to write her long angry screeds that you never, ever send, and it's okay to vent about your feelings. Just don't do it online. Really.
posted by rtha at 7:24 AM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
I completely understand this feeling. And yes, it's juvenile. And it won't work, anyway, because (at least temporarily) she has Moved On. Her head is in a totally different space, and displays of your wounded heart and soul will only irritate her, not make her have an epiphany about how badly she's fucked up. You will end up looking - to her, if not to your mutual social circle - like a jerk, and/or it will make mutual social circle friends so uncomfortable that they'll back away.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you. Get the world yanked out from under your feet is hideous. It's okay to hole up and lick your wounds for a while, and it's okay to write her long angry screeds that you never, ever send, and it's okay to vent about your feelings. Just don't do it online. Really.
posted by rtha at 7:24 AM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
How to be an adult in the aftermath of a bad breakup?
By not "responding in public internet spaces" or trying to get her to "see how much [you] hurt."
Delete, unfriend, unfollow, hide, or block her on FacebookTwitterMessageboardsLinkedinMyspaceWeb2.0.
Look at it this way: if you don't unfriend her, and you get into a big dramatic thing with her in 100s of your friends' and family's Facebook feeds, other people are going to unfriend or hide you. This won't necessarily be because they're on her side; people just do not want to see that kind of thing in public.
I'll leave the other questions for others since they're more complex, but the internet question is easy. You want to know whether to engage with her on the internet -- no, do not. Disengage.
posted by Jaltcoh at 7:42 AM on May 25, 2010
By not "responding in public internet spaces" or trying to get her to "see how much [you] hurt."
Delete, unfriend, unfollow, hide, or block her on FacebookTwitterMessageboardsLinkedinMyspaceWeb2.0.
Look at it this way: if you don't unfriend her, and you get into a big dramatic thing with her in 100s of your friends' and family's Facebook feeds, other people are going to unfriend or hide you. This won't necessarily be because they're on her side; people just do not want to see that kind of thing in public.
I'll leave the other questions for others since they're more complex, but the internet question is easy. You want to know whether to engage with her on the internet -- no, do not. Disengage.
posted by Jaltcoh at 7:42 AM on May 25, 2010
Oh man, that sucks. I'm sorry.
1) Don't. There's a great comment someone else wrote that I couldn't find, but it was something like-- I picked a theme for my divorce: dignity.
2) Mostly just hang in there. A work tip is to set expectations on yourself really low. You can't expect yourself to care about work like you might usually do. With that in mind, every day make a short list "things I have to do today so nobody notices." (In the beginning, it could just be "... so I don't get fired.") Figure out how to fake it. Another thing I discovered in my own "trying to be an adult about this" moment is that work actually helps, especially analytical tasks like making charts.
3) You will be okay. It will change you, but mostly not in ways you expect and mostly in ways you determine. It makes sense to think so, but this searing pain is unlikely to cause permanent damage or scarring.
posted by salvia at 7:44 AM on May 25, 2010 [3 favorites]
1) Don't. There's a great comment someone else wrote that I couldn't find, but it was something like-- I picked a theme for my divorce: dignity.
2) Mostly just hang in there. A work tip is to set expectations on yourself really low. You can't expect yourself to care about work like you might usually do. With that in mind, every day make a short list "things I have to do today so nobody notices." (In the beginning, it could just be "... so I don't get fired.") Figure out how to fake it. Another thing I discovered in my own "trying to be an adult about this" moment is that work actually helps, especially analytical tasks like making charts.
3) You will be okay. It will change you, but mostly not in ways you expect and mostly in ways you determine. It makes sense to think so, but this searing pain is unlikely to cause permanent damage or scarring.
posted by salvia at 7:44 AM on May 25, 2010 [3 favorites]
If she's flaunting her new relationship in status updates she knows you can see, she's either completely indifferent to your feelings (in which case she's not going to be moved by your public displays of pain and anger) or she's trying to get your goat (in which case she'll revel in all the drama and attention.) Why give her the satisfaction?
Ignore, stay away, move on. It has often been said that living well is the best revenge. Go do that.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 7:47 AM on May 25, 2010 [4 favorites]
Ignore, stay away, move on. It has often been said that living well is the best revenge. Go do that.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 7:47 AM on May 25, 2010 [4 favorites]
Do not vent at all online. Don't even acknowledge the issue in public posts. (I'm assuming that no-one will be actively trying to get a rise out of you, which seems fair enough based on what you posted.)
Vent offline instead, with RL friends you trust to keep it to themselves.
End result:
- Stronger bonds with offline friends
- Better memories to look back on decades from now (quiet, smokey bar with friends vs tearful naked Facebook checking: no contest)
- Online, you come off as a together, undamaged person with no pettiness, vindictiveness, or awkward updates to explain to next person
That last one is SO worth the restraint.
Now would also be a good time to take up a new hobby or pastime that makes you feel good about yourself (but isn't self-destructive) and requires you to get out and about.
posted by No-sword at 7:52 AM on May 25, 2010 [5 favorites]
Vent offline instead, with RL friends you trust to keep it to themselves.
End result:
- Stronger bonds with offline friends
- Better memories to look back on decades from now (quiet, smokey bar with friends vs tearful naked Facebook checking: no contest)
- Online, you come off as a together, undamaged person with no pettiness, vindictiveness, or awkward updates to explain to next person
That last one is SO worth the restraint.
Now would also be a good time to take up a new hobby or pastime that makes you feel good about yourself (but isn't self-destructive) and requires you to get out and about.
posted by No-sword at 7:52 AM on May 25, 2010 [5 favorites]
Like others have said, the first step is to silently and swiftly remove yourself from any shared online space. It'll prolong the pain, and nothing you can say about this in public will make the situation better or make you look like the better person. It's about as helpful as sitting behind her in a coffeeshop every morning and eavesdropping, or loudly announcing at the bus stop, "That's my ex over there! She's a horrible person who broke my heart!"
Don't confuse this with bottling things up; you can vent and rage all you want, but do it privately or to a close friend who's willing to listen. Online, keep the same composure you'd have at work or a party.
If you handle step 1 well, 2 and 3 will take care of themselves a lot more quickly.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:53 AM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Don't confuse this with bottling things up; you can vent and rage all you want, but do it privately or to a close friend who's willing to listen. Online, keep the same composure you'd have at work or a party.
If you handle step 1 well, 2 and 3 will take care of themselves a lot more quickly.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:53 AM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
You are going to be very tempted to keep tabs on her, both off and online. Do not do this. You need to pretend that she is no longer on earth. Any keeping of tabs is only going to drive you crazy. You simply need to let time do its thing. And keep busy. Sleep. Exercise. Read. Create. Write ( privately ). Travel. Keep busy. Seek dignity in this experience.
Getting your heart broken is bad, but it is also good. It builds your character. You will come out the other side such a better person. Think of it like that. You are going to find strength within this experience. And as much as it sucks, remember that this is life at its realest. What you are experiencing is the marrow of life. Feel it for what it is. Experience it.
posted by jasondigitized at 8:09 AM on May 25, 2010 [4 favorites]
Getting your heart broken is bad, but it is also good. It builds your character. You will come out the other side such a better person. Think of it like that. You are going to find strength within this experience. And as much as it sucks, remember that this is life at its realest. What you are experiencing is the marrow of life. Feel it for what it is. Experience it.
posted by jasondigitized at 8:09 AM on May 25, 2010 [4 favorites]
Aw, man i'm sorry for you.
Don't post about any feelings ever on Facebook. It's immature to begin with. Whenever I get the feeling to let the world know what a sucktastic day (or wonderful day) I'm having I post either a picture from the internet that I find funny and evocative of what I feel or a link to a song on youtube or something that also reflects how I feel. Somehow the act of finding something to display how you feel instead of just writing "I feel like I just got shit on and want to die" can purge the emotion from your sytem.
I think to stay sex-positive it's important for you to realize that your girlfriend was cheating on you. When you agree on certain terms to open up your relationship and your partner starts hiding things from you and disobeying the terms, thats cheating. My gut feeling based on your story is that when your girlfriend suggested opening up she had the intention of leaving you but didn't quite know how to make a clean break. The easiest place to hide an affair from someone is right in front of them.
Keep busy. Now is the time to get that scuba certification.
posted by WeekendJen at 8:34 AM on May 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
Don't post about any feelings ever on Facebook. It's immature to begin with. Whenever I get the feeling to let the world know what a sucktastic day (or wonderful day) I'm having I post either a picture from the internet that I find funny and evocative of what I feel or a link to a song on youtube or something that also reflects how I feel. Somehow the act of finding something to display how you feel instead of just writing "I feel like I just got shit on and want to die" can purge the emotion from your sytem.
I think to stay sex-positive it's important for you to realize that your girlfriend was cheating on you. When you agree on certain terms to open up your relationship and your partner starts hiding things from you and disobeying the terms, thats cheating. My gut feeling based on your story is that when your girlfriend suggested opening up she had the intention of leaving you but didn't quite know how to make a clean break. The easiest place to hide an affair from someone is right in front of them.
Keep busy. Now is the time to get that scuba certification.
posted by WeekendJen at 8:34 AM on May 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
I agree with everything everybody else said about 1 & 2. Don't do anything offline. Walk away. If she's posting things online that she knows you can read, she doesn't care about your feelings or, more likely based on your description, she's looking for a reaction so that she can feel like she still has control. Do not give this to her -- not for her, but for you. You deserve better.
A lot of people will tell you that to avoid the fears you worry about in question 3 that you should avoid sex until you feel more comfortable/confident. I would tell you that they are incredibly wrong. Get back on that horse. Have as much of the kind of sex that you want that you can. In this situation, quantity AND quality will help you put distance between what has come before it. There's no better way to remove focus from something than to give yourself more things to focus on.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:07 AM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
A lot of people will tell you that to avoid the fears you worry about in question 3 that you should avoid sex until you feel more comfortable/confident. I would tell you that they are incredibly wrong. Get back on that horse. Have as much of the kind of sex that you want that you can. In this situation, quantity AND quality will help you put distance between what has come before it. There's no better way to remove focus from something than to give yourself more things to focus on.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:07 AM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
You'll be doing yourself more damage if you go public with this, and here's why.
There's nothing juvenile about what you describe yourself feeling. You've been emotionally and *sexually* manipulated and generally had your heart trampled. To want to publicly grieve and have her held in some small way accountable or judged for her actions is natural. This monster doesn't appear to feel any remorse at all, and your engaging in open hostility or grieving will do two things:
1) It will make it easier for her to be defensive of herself or self pitying (if she cares to engage in even the most half-assed imitation of mock guilt) and rally her friends around her
2) It will give you a painful glimmer of hope that this (at least currently) heartless, selfish and cruel person might feel regret or offer a sincere apology. As incomprehensible as this is to a kind, loving person with a soul, this is unlikely to happen.
I hope you can be gentle with yourself, take the time you need to trust yourself in love as in sex positivity, accept love and support from friends and to try to let go of any expectations of justice. It's trite, but knowing you took the moral high road will help to heal you in the long term- and I think it will help you to be in an emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationship in the future, too.
posted by Lisitasan at 9:39 AM on May 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
There's nothing juvenile about what you describe yourself feeling. You've been emotionally and *sexually* manipulated and generally had your heart trampled. To want to publicly grieve and have her held in some small way accountable or judged for her actions is natural. This monster doesn't appear to feel any remorse at all, and your engaging in open hostility or grieving will do two things:
1) It will make it easier for her to be defensive of herself or self pitying (if she cares to engage in even the most half-assed imitation of mock guilt) and rally her friends around her
2) It will give you a painful glimmer of hope that this (at least currently) heartless, selfish and cruel person might feel regret or offer a sincere apology. As incomprehensible as this is to a kind, loving person with a soul, this is unlikely to happen.
I hope you can be gentle with yourself, take the time you need to trust yourself in love as in sex positivity, accept love and support from friends and to try to let go of any expectations of justice. It's trite, but knowing you took the moral high road will help to heal you in the long term- and I think it will help you to be in an emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationship in the future, too.
posted by Lisitasan at 9:39 AM on May 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
1. Venting and talking about it is good, and if, like a lot of us, your social life is largely online, that means talking online. But anything you write because you hope she sees it should not be posted online. And you should definitely disconnect on social networks, etc. Private communities are good. Chats with friends are good. AskMe anon questions are good. You need to sort it out in your head, and writing / talking helps with that. But it is easy to fall into the trap of putting on a performance for her, which will not help you feel better.
2. Just do the best you can. Then one day you will find yourself reading a breakup question on AskMe and thinking that you should tell the person that it will eventually get better. And you will stop for a second, kind of shocked, and realize that somehow, it did get better. Distraction is good, but sometimes impossible. Change of scenery is good. Write (and do not send - I suggest burning) letters if that is your thing.
3. Don't worry about it. Really. It's just the tendency to obsess that follows this kind of breakup.
posted by Nothing at 10:59 AM on May 25, 2010
2. Just do the best you can. Then one day you will find yourself reading a breakup question on AskMe and thinking that you should tell the person that it will eventually get better. And you will stop for a second, kind of shocked, and realize that somehow, it did get better. Distraction is good, but sometimes impossible. Change of scenery is good. Write (and do not send - I suggest burning) letters if that is your thing.
3. Don't worry about it. Really. It's just the tendency to obsess that follows this kind of breakup.
posted by Nothing at 10:59 AM on May 25, 2010
Time, baby, time. Mourn the loss, don't post anything on message boards (even the most well-reasoned, well-thought-out post in all the land will be misinterpreted (willfully or otherwise) in a situation like this) and remember one thing: you lost her as soon as she started doing things that she wouldn't tell you about. From her perspective it's been over for a long time, and you're just getting started through a mourning period she went through a long time ago. If she were a good person, she would have ended the relationship back then, and you'd both be over it now. So just give yourself time.
posted by davejay at 11:44 AM on May 25, 2010
posted by davejay at 11:44 AM on May 25, 2010
Definitely don't vent in public forums. Someone on my friend list did this when she found out her boyfriend had been cheating on her for months, and though I could understand her anger it was just so distasteful. If you must vent, you can send your ex letters or emails telling her exactly what you think of her, or tell a friend you can trust exactly what you think of her, or journal it.
And give yourself some time. This woman treated you very badly and it'll take awhile to let it all go.
posted by orange swan at 11:48 AM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
And give yourself some time. This woman treated you very badly and it'll take awhile to let it all go.
posted by orange swan at 11:48 AM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Wow. So sorry to hear you're being treated this way. She was massively inconsiderate, manipulative and dishonest and you don't deserve it.
Nthing unfollowing, blocking, and defriending her and then finding someone to have great, mutually respectful, NSA kinky fun with. I'd caution against falling in love on the rebound, though.
posted by xenophile at 6:06 PM on May 25, 2010
Nthing unfollowing, blocking, and defriending her and then finding someone to have great, mutually respectful, NSA kinky fun with. I'd caution against falling in love on the rebound, though.
posted by xenophile at 6:06 PM on May 25, 2010
I have no advice better than what's already been posted, but I just want to say, I know exactly how you feel, I've been there, and when you look back on this period in your life, you'll be glad to be rid of her and happy that you moved on. Best of luck to you!
posted by wv kay in ga at 6:32 PM on May 25, 2010
posted by wv kay in ga at 6:32 PM on May 25, 2010
I keep thinking about my comment, and I want to add that if you do decide to send your ex any letters or emails laying out how you feel, don't exceed one or two communiqués. I do think it's okay and sometimes even called for to be very forthright with someone who's treated you badly, but you don't get to do it indefinitely.
posted by orange swan at 8:41 PM on May 28, 2010
posted by orange swan at 8:41 PM on May 28, 2010
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posted by randomname25 at 7:01 AM on May 25, 2010 [23 favorites]