25 yo heartbroken virgin, enjoys long walks on the beach
September 30, 2008 2:10 PM   Subscribe

Heartbroken after recently getting out of a 7 year relationship, and still a virgin.

I'm a 25 yr old guy. Have done oral, but no vaginal sex, have done "outercourse" (which for all you horny but non-repressed sexual creatures, is just rubbing our naked naughty parts against each other, but no actual penetration), due to respecting the girl's wishes to wait until marriage. We had known each other for 7 years, I was ready to propose and everything. But over the last few months, she felt that we had grown apart, ended it, and started dating someone else. Oh, and the best part is that now she's ready. Just icing on the cake, that. It's over at this point, I can accept that. I'm moving on emotionally as well as can be hoped. . .which is not really that well at all, but i'm not suicidal or anything. And I have the support of my friends and family.

Since I haven't been single since I was 18, I have no real-world personal idea of how dating works. We were just two naive ppl getting together, and now that's all fucked. I just know what I know from friends, which makes the world seem like a jaded and cynical place of throwaway sex and disappointments for long-term potential. I have a lot of anxiety over starting that up, and I don't know if I'm even ready for all that yet.

I guess one of the biggest sources of anxiety is that my ex and I used to have absolutely great sexual chemistry, minus the sex. After 7 years, we both knew exactly what got the other one off, how to put each other in the mood, the secret spots, all that craziness. It seems so daunting now to try to have intimacy with another woman, and then flub around with the virgin question, and having the expected first few times of crappy sex before I'm functional.

I just feel at 25, I'm way behind the game here.

To keep it focused, my question(s) are as follows:
1. Will the sexual chemistry ever be as good? I really want the answer to this be yes, but obviously just be honest.
1. How/when do I tell a potential partner that I'm still a virgin?
2. Won't she be able to tell anyways?
3. How will this be taken ("wtf is wrong with you?" "aww that's sweet, let me teach you" "umm, no thanks, newbs no need apply. . )
4. More generally, how will I know that I'm ready to jump in? Some advice I've gotten is: jump in, it'll help you get over it, and others say wait until you are over it, then jump in. . . i'm confused and don't even know how to determine if I'm over it. All I know is that I'm not over it currently.
5. Are relationships ever as good as the one with your first love? Once again, I want ppl to say yes, but the honest truth is better.

I guess that's a lot of things to answer, but I appreciate any and all advice/wisdom. . .thanks mefi
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (26 answers total) 13 users marked this as a favorite

 
I was something of a late-bloomer, so while my experience doesn't exactly match yours, they're close enough to yours that I'm confident to answer as follows:

1. Yes. Probably better, eventually.

1. Don't, unless you really want to. I didn't.

2. No. Especially not if you put her on top the first few times.

3. Any of the above (a moot point, if you you don't tell her).

4. I'd say jump in with fairly noncommittal sex as soon as the idea of that sounds like funinstead of making you feel heartsick.

5. Hell yes. Much better. Better by far.
posted by infinitywaltz at 2:23 PM on September 30, 2008 [1 favorite]


Are relationships ever as good as the one with your first love? Once again, I want ppl to say yes, but the honest truth is better

They're BETTER.... that's what makes the first love the first and not the last :) Otherwise, everybody would just always stay with the first person. (There are those people who marry their first high school sweethearts, but that's the exception, not the rule).
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 2:24 PM on September 30, 2008 [1 favorite]


1. Yes. Oral and all that stuff can be great but I'll bet you'll like actuall intercourse A LOT. Look forward to it.

1. Just tell them at some point before you end up in bed together. It's not such a big deal. You'll probably suck at sex the first couple of times but it's not that hard. You'll get a hang of it. No need to worry too much.

2. Yes.

3. Depends on the person. But the girls worth being with will be alright with it. If she should reject you on that basis (not that I can imagine anybody actually doing that) she's a pretty superficial girl anyway. As I said, you should get the hang of sex pretty fast so it's not such a big deal.

4. I was fresh out of a long term relationship once (not a virgin then, but I don't see it making a world of difference). I had sex with someone when I found someone I liked enough to have sex with. Okay that's a lie. I had sex with someone when I found someone who would have sex with me who I also liked. What you're not ready for is the emotional part of a new relationship. Sex is only a part of that. If you're ready to make out with someone you're probably ready to have sex with them as well. If you're not, you're not.

5. I can't say yes yet, but like you I'm in a position where I hope they can be. I'm cautiously optimistic at this point.

Good luck!
posted by sveskemus at 2:25 PM on September 30, 2008


First off, it sucks that you broke up after so long, but it sounds like the two of you have done a lot of growing up over the last 7 years.

I think it might help to reframe your experience a little bit - it sounds like you've got lots of experience with the great part of sex - foreplay, oral, sensual rubbing, etc. etc. etc., and little experience with the easy part - penetration. In that light, it's a positive thing! I can't answer your specific questions, except to say that I don't think you need to make a big deal about your sexual experience. You're 25, dating in a grown-up world. There doesn't need to be a big production where you confess your whole history before the actual deed.
posted by muddgirl at 2:25 PM on September 30, 2008


1. Will the sexual chemistry ever be as good? I really want the answer to this be yes, but obviously just be honest.
Maybe. Depends. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
1. How/when do I tell a potential partner that I'm still a virgin?
The first time you start talking about potentially having sex with her.
2. Won't she be able to tell anyways?
No. I mean, unless you have a sign or a tee-shirt or something.
3. How will this be taken ("wtf is wrong with you?" "aww that's sweet, let me teach you" "umm, no thanks, newbs no need apply. . )
Depends. And if the response is "wtf is wrong with you" or "um no thanks" then good riddance.
4. More generally, how will I know that I'm ready to jump in? Some advice I've gotten is: jump in, it'll help you get over it, and others say wait until you are over it, then jump in. . . i'm confused and don't even know how to determine if I'm over it. All I know is that I'm not over it currently.
If you're ready to date, date. You'll know you're ready when you meet someone who you want to spend time with. If you don't want to spend time with someone, don't date them.
5. Are relationships ever as good as the one with your first love? Once again, I want ppl to say yes, but the honest truth is better.

Your first love is your first love. Not your last love or your only love. And the first time you do anything -- fall in love, have sex, ride a bike, write a novel -- it's not the best. It's a rough draft. The more you do something -- the more you understand what you want in a partner, the more practice you have at it -- the better you will be at it. So yes, as with anything, the more you do something, and refine it, the better you will be at it.
posted by macadamiaranch at 2:28 PM on September 30, 2008 [1 favorite]


Meet someone new and let yourself relax. Everything else will fall into place.
posted by BobbyVan at 2:34 PM on September 30, 2008


1. Yes. Oh, yes. Of course, then there are sometimes when... it's not. It just happens.

2. (your other 1) See, I wouldn't consider you a virgin. Of course, others may see it differently. Say as much as you're comfortable with, and as much as the person you're with is willing to handle.

3. (this is your 2) No, most likely not.

4. (and your 3) That really depends on the person you choose, doesn't it? I don't see why it should matter much, personally.

5. (AKA 4) That's up to you to figure out. We've all been there (most of us, anyway), and it never gets easy.

6.(you call it 5) Yes, most definitely. Above all, all relationships are different, and as long as the fundamentals are the - love, trust, friendship, lust, what have you - it'll be... it'll just be. Not "as good as", but different, and special, and worth having. In all likelyhood, "better". Much better, even.

Good luck. Heartbreak is hell, but you'll get over it.

As an aside, I just have to comment on this: my ex and I used to have absolutely great sexual chemistry, minus the sex
I mean, maybe I'm being really narrowminded here, but is that possible? 7 YEARS? With half as much chemestry as you describe I can't hold myself for 7 minutes, let alone 7 years. I think somewhere in the not so distant future you may find yourself redefining your idea of "sexual chemestry"...
posted by neblina_matinal at 2:35 PM on September 30, 2008


Hey anon, sorry to hear about the mess. I will be vague here as to not spill my dirty relationship guts all over MeFi, but you can MeMail me if you need to talk more. My experience: in a marriage that pre-marriage plus marriage was actually shorter than your relationship (about 4 years total). It ended 2 years ago (I am now 26), and it kind of felt like the end of the world at that point. People will say "you're young, you'll bounce back" but don't be afraid to acknowledge that it is very real, very significant pain you are going through. It will take time. But! There is a bright side. You are young, and eventually, hopefully, you will bounce back. ;)

You may feel "broken" for a while. Things may be especially awkward with the first person you are with after the breakup. If this person is understanding, they will help you through this crappy time without being judgmental about it. You are not a 40-year-old virgin, and hopefully you do not have a house full of comic book collectibles. (Even if you do, we all know that story had a happy ending, AMIRITE?) Counseling will help -- it is great to have an impartial 3rd party to listen to every sordid detail of your sucky breakup.

Don't worry about dating other women just yet, it will happen but don't seek it out for a while. Some women have a "kink" about virgins, and some may be freaked out by it. Don't date those women. Date someone who you connect to emotionally and who wants to do the deed with you because they like you and are attracted to you. On that same token, don't dump all of your emotional/sexual hangups on your new ladyfriend -- bring it up if she's willing to listen, but turn it off when you know you've said enough. I still sometimes bring up the ex in less than ideal situations, but it is bound to happen since you were together for so long. Don't write off that part of your life -- it is easy to want to do this.

I am still very young, and although I am past my first "big love" I still don't have tons of experience with tons of relationships. Would I say that things are "better" in my current relationship? It is hard to judge, kind of an apples to oranges situation. There are things that are better, and some things that I wish were different. But it is an entirely different person and a different relationship we have together and I don't really compare it to my last relationship. Instead of saying "ex went bike riding with me all the time, I wish new guy did that" I think "I really wish I could convince new guy to go biking with me more." Etc. And we work on that ;)

This is a long story for me, and it has been two long years -- I can say that I like myself better now than while in that relationship. That is just part of growing up and growing older, and what I went through is just part of that process. MeMail me if you need to talk more and good luck!
posted by sararah at 2:41 PM on September 30, 2008 [1 favorite]


1. Will the sexual chemistry ever be as good? I really want the answer to this be yes, but obviously just be honest.

Absolutely, and probably even better!

1. How/when do I tell a potential partner that I'm still a virgin?
2. Won't she be able to tell anyways?


This is entirely up to you, and no, she probably won't. You already have experience with some of the very best parts of sex, so you might come across as more experienced than many guys who AREN'T virgins. She will likely be appreciative of those skills, and surprised to find out the truth.

If it were me? I'd want to know, if only to understand any jitters or anything you might experience and thus handle the situation better. But it's your call.

3. How will this be taken ("wtf is wrong with you?" "aww that's sweet, let me teach you" "umm, no thanks, newbs no need apply. . )

Depends on the woman, but I think once she hears your story, the average woman would be touched, and pleased to know she'd be your first.

4. More generally, how will I know that I'm ready to jump in?

How did you know with your last girlfriend that you wanted to, though she wasn't ready? You felt the chemistry, you began a relationship, you built up to that point. You will go through the same stages, and with any luck you'll find a girl this time around who knows what she wants, maybe a sexually assertive girl who will take the lead.

5. Are relationships ever as good as the one with your first love? Once again, I want ppl to say yes, but the honest truth is better.

Every relationship is different and, corny as it sounds, special in its own way. YES, you can find a relationship that is as satisfying (and probably even more) than the one you just ended.
posted by misha at 2:42 PM on September 30, 2008 [1 favorite]


1. The chemistry will be just as good or better with other people. Maybe not every person you meet and make out with, but at least some of them.
1. When you have the sexual experience talk (which should hopefully come before you have sex).
2. Nope. No way to tell unless you shout something like, "It's my FIRST TIME!" during the act.
3. I can only answer this for myself, but here's what immediately runs through my head: "Whoa. that's a lot of responsibility. Wow, this is kind of awesome. Wait, what if he doesn't last long? I hope he's enthusiastic. Crap, I should get a bottle of champagne or roses or something."
4. If you're not over your ex, you will spend most of your time comparing the people you're dating to your ex (and they won't stack up, no matter how great they are, because part of what you miss most is the loss of intimacy). Do not have sex with someone until you're sure you want to date them for at least a while.
5. Every relationship I've had since my first relationship has been better. Not that the first one was bad; it's just that I had no idea of the scope & breadth & depth a relationship could take until I was involved in several of them. It's kind of similar to your first job--working at a fast food joint may seem perfectly fine, but you'll never know that you wanted one of these jobs unless you're free to look around.
posted by timoni at 2:45 PM on September 30, 2008 [2 favorites]


Oh you poor guy. That just sucks, every bit of it. God, women are manipulative beasts sometimes... Your story is almost a parable of the pitfalls of waiting long term for sex. Ugh.

I was never 100% in your position, but I did date someone seriously in high school who sounds a lot like your ex, so I feel your pain.

All that said, you've gotten yourself into this position by being willfully naive about women and relationships. And although it sounds like your adapting quickly, you're still moving forward with some very childish assumptions.

Let's take it point by point:

Will the sexual chemistry ever be as good?

Everyone is different. You can have mind blowing sex with one person, and the next can be like fucking a corpse. My advice: jump in the sack as soon as possible at the start of a relationship, and don't sweet the details. If she's into you, you'll figure it out. Note: "as soon as possible" means just that establishing a healthy physical relationship should be a priority. If it doesn't feel right, move on. It's called dating.

How/when do I tell a potential partner that I'm still a virgin?

Don't. It's enough to say that you just got out of long term relationship. Most women have the same parts - you'll figure it out.

How will this be taken

You've built penetrative sex up into something it's not. It's not magic. You don't get one shot at it. You don't get a wish. A leprechaun doesn't jump out of her vagina and grant you wishes...

It's just sex. And your virginity is only an issue if you make it an issue.

how will I know that I'm ready to jump in?

See, this is what I'm talking about. You're not some automaton. You don't need someone to tell you how to feel, when. You'll feel it when you feel it.

PROTIP: meeting a girl is the first step.

Are relationships ever as good as the one with your first love?

In you're case you've got a long life of great relationships ahead.

Get out there!

EYE OF THE TIGER! GROWL!!
posted by wfrgms at 2:45 PM on September 30, 2008 [6 favorites]


Things will get better, in all respects. I think most people will credit you more for having been in a seven year relationship than they will debit you for not having actually penetrated a vagina.

About jumping back into it: Going on a date doesn't mean you're committing to a person for another seven years. If you have the chance to go on a date with someone that has potential, go ahead. If it turns out you don't enjoy it, then at least you know you're not ready for that for another few months or weeks.
posted by ignignokt at 2:46 PM on September 30, 2008 [1 favorite]


I just want to pipe in that you're a bit too hung up on the technical definition of virginity. IMHO virginity does bot entail "everything but." It's a state of not being sexual. You've had sex. Just because no parts went into the holiest of holies doesn't make you a virgin. This has always baffled me. If she was "waiting until marriage" before engaging in sex, to me this implies some kind of moral code or desire to preserve herself for a sacred institution (or some such). Oral and other activities seem to violate both these in my mind.

If you had a wife who engaged in the things you did with this woman, but she did it with another man, would you consider her faithful, or would you consider her to have cheated? The whole virgin tag is a bit bothersome to me, since it implies that somehow you are worried about being inferior, or that it's something to "confess." I wouldn't consider you a virgin, just because you haven't engage in vaginal intercourse.

Thank Bill Clinton for defining oral out of the equation.

If you do feel the need to inform your partner of this, and I see no reason not to, I wouldn't paint it as you have. I would point it out as being no more of a big deal than if your prior experience had all been mission style intercourse. You'd like to try something new.

And it's not uncommon for a woman that's held off to no longer hold off once she's made up her mind to do it. She very may well have decided some time ago that she wasn't going to do that particular act with you. This may have been part of her motivation for moving on.

I would say that things will work out in the long run. Be positive. You can have great relationships and great sexual chemistry again. It would be a sad world if this wasn't possible. And I would give this answer if you were 85 and not 25.
posted by cjorgensen at 2:47 PM on September 30, 2008 [1 favorite]


After 7 years, we both knew exactly what got the other one off, how to put each other in the mood, the secret spots, all that craziness.

For all practical purposes you aren't really a virgin, except by your highly arbitrary (abrahamic religion influenced?) penetration-based definition of sex. You're vastly more experienced than many 25 year olds.

I have a lot of anxiety over starting that up, and I don't know if I'm even ready for all that yet.


Maybe you're not. No worries.
posted by phrontist at 2:49 PM on September 30, 2008 [1 favorite]


By the way, hot heterosexual sex tip: the first few times can be a let-down for men too, until they figure out what they like and get used to the novelty and the anxiety wears off. So don't build it up in your head. Just like your first love is in fact hardly ever the best, likewise first time sticking it in and jiggling it about.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 3:13 PM on September 30, 2008


God, women are manipulative beasts sometimes... Your story is almost a parable of the pitfalls of waiting long term for sex. Ugh.

I just want to quickly say that I completely and strenuously reject this statement. Not getting too personal, people change, and people change their minds, in the years from age 18 to age 25. Furthermore, it can be incredibly difficult to transition from a non-penetrative relationship to a penetrative relationship, especially for the person who initially said, "No vaginal sex." Everyone's got hang-ups about sex, and to call a woman "manipulative" because she won't have sex with one man, but will with another, is just silly.

Also, I agree with this: I just want to pipe in that you're a bit too hung up on the technical definition of virginity. IMHO virginity does bot entail "everything but." It's a state of not being sexual. You've had sex. Just because no parts went into the holiest of holies doesn't make you a virgin.
posted by muddgirl at 3:28 PM on September 30, 2008 [4 favorites]


>>we both knew exactly what got the other one off, how to put each other in the mood, the secret spots, all that craziness.<>
The above is awesome. Everyone's different, but you can transfer this knowledge. You're actually far ahead of most people. The above is 90% of sex. Actual intercourse is a big leap, but it becomes no big deal pretty much immediately. To repeat, you're in better shape than most clueless people about what makes good sex and how to handle yourself in bed.

After the first few, relationships tend to mostly get better and better. (At least they did for me.) Chemistry varies--you'll get a sense of what you need over time.
posted by zeek321 at 3:31 PM on September 30, 2008 [1 favorite]


For what its worth... I think I can help relieve your anxiety over your "lack of experience":

Think of all the practice you've had with foreplay! My god! You know better than most 25 year old men all of the different ways to turn a woman on. All things equal, if I had to choose between a man who had done "everything but" with his one girlfriend for 7 years or a man who had worked his way through his early twenties on random hookups or one night stands... or even short term relationships... Its a no brainer for a plethora of reasons!

Society might see one as having more "experience" but really, after 7 years of foreplay & feedback & chemisty, you not only have more experience, you have WAY more skill when it comes to pleasing a woman.

Not to mention what that relationship says about you in terms of depth of love, commitment, patience, and loyalty.

Don't worry too much, you have plenty to offer, and the right girl will not only make you feel very comfortable in all this, she will appreciate you all the more for it!
posted by veronicacorningstone at 4:19 PM on September 30, 2008 [3 favorites]


Just adding my voice to the chorus suggesting that you're not a virgin at all (at least in the "inexperienced, fumbling, pitiable newb" sense) if you've really had ~7yrs of great oral/manual sex with the same partner. I have, well, intimate experience with this-- was in a similar situation, and honestly, both I and my partner learned 90-95% of what we (ultimately) needed to know about actual penetrative sex during those first few years of everything-but. It sounds like you already know lots about listening, body language, and tempo-- not to mention a slew of creative ways to pleasure a woman. That already puts you miles ahead of the average stud who pumps away for a few minutes and then asks, "Did you come?". I'd say, don't fixate on your virgin status, and don't bother to tell your next partner unless you really feel the need.
posted by Bardolph at 4:39 PM on September 30, 2008 [1 favorite]


Just so you feel less odd about your age/sexual experience . . . . The first person I slept with (dude) was 25 and had done, like you, everything-but. It wasn't even a wait til marriage thing! He just felt too tied down by the idea of having peen-in-vagina sex with someone.

I'll go against the grain (I think) and suggest mentioning it. Probably not as a first-date thing, but as you seem to be getting hot and heavy enough to go that route. I imagine having it on the table will leave you feeling less pressured, and besides, I don't recommend keeping many sexual secrets from someone you're sleeping with. It's just a bad road to go down.

The way the scene is sexually is very much what *you* make of it. If people have one-night stands, it has little effect on you unless you plan to have one. There are loads of people who are looking for all types of sexual and relationship situations. Your next step is figuring out what you want and then hanging in there until you find the right person wanting the same thing you do :-)
posted by lacedback at 7:33 PM on September 30, 2008


man, if any of my exes show up here, I'll regret this, but the absolute best sex I ever had was with a guy whose penis never came close to my vag....because I had some silly idea that "actual sex" equalled penis-in-vagina sex. I wasn't even a virgin at the time! And we were a fling-sorta-thing for a few months back in the day. Not saying this to tell you that you've already had the best sex you'll ever have...but I'm saying this because you're probably far, far, far more experienced than you give yourself credit for.

If someone I was dating were to tell me that they're technically a virgin (i'm in my late 20s), I'd be a little surprised, sure. But it wouldn't be "OMFG GET AWAY FROM ME FREAK!" surprising. It would be more "really? Oh, ok, let's toss that elephant out of the room and take care of that" surprising.

Also, re: #s 4 & 5:

4. I know it's cliche, but you'll know.
5. yes, and I'm not saying that just to be nice.
posted by AlisonM at 8:02 PM on September 30, 2008


Unlike my first big love, with whom I had an anything-but relationship for three years that then became a "yeah, let's just transition to the everything-and," Mr. F has never asked if we can have sex while also watching a Beavis and Butt-head rerun on the TV.

Mr. F has also never refused sex in favor of checking his Stargate SG-1 torrents, has never hid under the bathroom sink after a sexual encounter, and has never eagerly explained to me that when I wasn't around, his other partner was *totally* a multiply orgasmic sexual temptress-- all experiences I've lived to tell about.

Anecdotally, I guess I'm evidence that sexual chemistry, and general sanity, improves when one moves on from the first big love. Take from that what you will.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 10:31 PM on September 30, 2008


nthing that you've unwittingly developed a highly desirable skill set from a woman's perspective. the penetration thing may be a big conceptual/mental hurdle, and therefore something your partner should therefore be sensitive to, but as far as sexual skill sets go, i think you're well ahead of other guys your age that don't have the relationship experience that you do. approach dating with confidence! i have a feeling that once you've been playing the field a bit, you'll realize just how desirable someone with your dating history is.

the chemistry question is interesting... i'd hold out until you find chemistry that is just as good as you had, if not better. theoretically it is possible. so set your standards where you want.

beyond the sexual performance thing, i'd say that the biggest issue you've got going on right now is in questions 4 and 5. take care of your heart. i wouldn't get involved in another serious relationship too soon. get to know yourself as a single person for a while. casual sex will help you forget her, but there's a distance between being over the last and being ready for the next.

it's totally normal that you're confused - you've never been through something like this before. and people's advice is going to be as varied as their personalities. how you react emotionally to the arc of a relationship is a really personal, subjective thing. but knowing yourself in that way is an asset.
posted by smallstatic at 2:38 AM on October 1, 2008


1. yes. you will probably even find someone with whom it's better.
1. you don't ever have to tell someone if you don't want to. the time NOT to tell a girl is when you're inside her that first time. it's hard to come up with a reply at that point.
2. maybe? some guys just suck at sex, some girls have only been with guys who suck at sex, etc. etc. etc.
3. it depends on the girl.
4. just jump in.
5. yes.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 7:49 AM on October 1, 2008


It'll be fine. Anyone worth dating won't be bitchy about your virginity. You have many important foreplay skills practiced, which for a lot of women is worth more than the vaginal intercourse part. I'm not certain she would be able to tell, but that depends on the extent of her sexual history as well. I think you should be upfront about it anyway, but if you don't mention it, it's no big deal.

Everything after my first boyfriend has been way better. And I was nearly suicidal after breaking up with him.
posted by Nattie at 1:29 PM on October 1, 2008 [1 favorite]


Every time I've fallen in love it's been stronger, and mostly it's been a better fit, too, as far as what I could live with in a long-term partner. I've always had good sex with people I was in love with, but having sex with someone you're not in love with can be very disappointing.

But, you're a guy, and your experience may be different. I have had sex with a virgin before and he didn't tell me he was one at the time until well over a year later and I could never tell the difference, so I think you'll be okay.

Best of luck to you in getting over a broken heart... if it's any consolation, I don't think many people go their whole lives with just one love these days. I have had a few and expect to have more. You'll know when you're ready... just give yourself some time.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 1:35 PM on October 1, 2008 [1 favorite]


« Older VIPress.   |   Yeah, bwee-ayyy! Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.