Hung up on a hook-up

February 6, 2012 4:42 PM

Help, I'm still depressed about a woman that stopped calling me ages ago

So I have a girlfriend. We've been seeing each other for a few months. I'm very happy with her -- we have a good rapport and great sex. I don't want to date anyone else.

BUT: I keep thinking about a hookup from my single days last fall, and it's really bumming me out. We met online and she made a big impression on me, and she was both one of the most attractive & adventurous people that I had ever been with. After two dates, she started blowing me off and eventually had to formally cut things off with me.

Months later, I still spend an uncomfortable amount of time thinking about her. I think that I must have been oblivious to her needs and the sex that was great for me was dull and uncomfortable for her. I wonder if my weird nervous quirks telegraphed creepy neediness. I look her up online to see if she's still single. I simultaneously hope that I do and do not run into her in person. Of course, she's not thinking about me at all.

This line of thinking is painful for me and unfair to both this woman and my girlfriend. I've been both ends of the no-call divide: I know there's no malice on her part, and I know that my emotional burden is way out of proportion to our non-relationship. I feel guilty for feeling this way. How do I get these unhealthy, unwarranted, and unwanted thoughts out of my head?

posted by anonymous to human relations (13 answers total)

How to Break Your Addiction to a Person, by Howard Halpern, is an unusually helpful self-help book. (If you are a lady hung up on another lady, I apologize for the heterocentrism of the text and the examples used, but I think it can be helpful for most situations despite that flaw.)
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:47 PM on February 6 [1 favorite]

I think that I must have been oblivious to her needs and the sex that was great for me was dull and uncomfortable for her. I wonder if my weird nervous quirks telegraphed creepy neediness.

OK, let's assume you're exactly right about all that. Realize how this is a good thing — for you, in your life right now. You did a fantastic job at learning from your mistakes, and now you're getting the benefits. Everything you did wrong before is the opposite of what's going right with the relationship you're actually in.
posted by John Cohen at 5:00 PM on February 6 [1 favorite]

Channel it into your current relationship in a positive way? As in, you learned not to be oblivious to your partner's needs and to make sure sex isn't dull and uncomfortable for her. You learned to beware of even seeming creepy neediness early on.

So you think about hookup, and then you immediately follow that thought through to your present circumstance so you don't dwell.

On preview, I apparently am too slow at typing and agree with John Cohen.
posted by vegartanipla at 5:03 PM on February 6 [1 favorite]

She sounds perfect, in the way that only someone you haven't gotten to know very well can be. You can idealize someone who exited your life quickly, because there is less time to figure out their flaws, and how the two of you don't work, and to blame yourself for everything. It's a bit of nostalgia for something that never existed in the first place.

Realize that she was just a person with whom you didn't click, and she probably wasn't any more or less awesome than your current girlfriend, and let the dream of her go.
posted by xingcat at 5:04 PM on February 6 [8 favorites]

You really had nothing with that other woman but here you have:

we have a good rapport and great sex

Right here, right now. Go with that!
posted by mleigh at 5:07 PM on February 6 [1 favorite]

I had an ex like this: someone that I was really, really hung up on, despite only being involved with her for a few weeks. I came to realize that it wasn't about her, really. She was the first person I dated after my first major relationship fell apart, so she represented hope for the future for me, which is why I got so upset when it didn't work out. Think back. Was there anything else significant going on in your life when you were seeing this woman? Because this might really be about that.
posted by Ragged Richard at 5:34 PM on February 6 [5 favorites]

Reality check: Sometimes a relationship ends and you never will know why. Maybe the other person owes you an explanation, maybe not. You won't get one. Move on.
posted by yclipse at 6:20 PM on February 6

Are you me? (Obviously not.) But I've had problems with almost the exact same situation. One date, not two, but nevertheless. Some of this is advice I suck at following, but still:

1. STOP LOOKING HER UP ONLINE! One, she can figure out you're doing this if she's Web savvy enough. The chances of that are slim but maybe enough to implant paranoia in you? But seriously though: looking her up online makes her continue to exist in your world. It's hard to forget about someone you might never see again and move on if you're still keeping tabs on her, if she's still a person in your direct orbit.

2. It's useless to feel guilty for feelings. I mean, I've totally been there. I understand completely. I completely suck at not feeling guilty for feelings - but it's not harming anyone. It's just a feeling. It's not something you can 100% control.
posted by dekathelon at 6:48 PM on February 6

If you talked to a therapist, he or she might ask you what this person represented to you - if they remind you of someone from your past, or if maybe they represent some aspect of yourself that you would like to connect with. Your obsession might be a clue into your psyche.

It might be helpful to remember that if you'd gotten to know her better you almost certainly would have discovered some unappealing qualities. Maybe she would nag you, maybe she's rude to wait staff, maybe she wants an open relationship with the prime minister of uzbekistan and lady gaga, maybe she has a gross case of toe fungus, maybe she has no sex drive.

We've all been there. It sucks.
posted by bunderful at 8:06 PM on February 6 [2 favorites]

eventually had to formally cut things off with me.


I must have been oblivious to her needs and the sex that was great for me was dull and uncomfortable for her

my weird nervous quirks telegraphed creepy neediness.

Of course, she's not thinking about me at all.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you're hung up on this person as much as you're hung up on how embarrassingly clueless and inept (in your eyes) you acted around her. She inflamed your insecurities, made you feel exposed as a loser, and now you don't feel like you're worthy of the healthy, stable, loving relationship you're in right now. Instead of focusing on the compatible girlfriend who sees you as a worthwhile partner, you dwell on the person who made you feel like an unlovable failure.

Once again, this is not about the woman, but about the feelings she dredged up inside of you. High thee to therapy, my friend! Perhaps take a little time off from your girlfriend to sort through your feelings alone, without feeling indebted to her. As soon as you see that the solution lies in yourself, you'll be a much better partner to her and much less inclined to wince over that failed non-relationship from the past.
posted by zoomorphic at 8:10 PM on February 6 [6 favorites]

On thing that helped me was to channel those feelings through exercise. Very cathartic. Plus it maks one feel great and look way hot.

Also, the knowledge that in time your feelings will fade can be helpful. This too shall pass, be assured of it.
posted by devymetal at 10:37 PM on February 6 [1 favorite]

[This is a reply from an anonymous commenter.]

I have been this girl, more times than I like to admit- sleeping with a guy right off the bat, then after two or three dates just cutting off all contact. Seeing this question was a punch in the gut for me, because I always tell myself that when I blow a guy off like that, it won't REALLY hurt his feelings.

I tell myself it won't hurt the guys because, if I can be completely honest, I don't really believe them when they say they like me. Sure, I think, maybe they enjoy spending time with me, but who the hell am I? I'm not special. I kind of suck. I'm weird, I'm not that pretty, not that funny, they'll find someone better than me, they pretty much HAVE to. These are the things I tell myself, because I have absolutely terrible self-esteem when it comes to romance and sex. If I'm not chasing a totally emotionally unavailable guy, I'm hurting a guy like you, by fucking them immediately in order to make myself feel validated and sexual, and then running away. Because the second I feel like a guy might like me, I feel like I HAVE to run. I don't want to start dating a guy and a month or two later have it all go wrong... so I take off before that can happen. And since I do it so early, I just assume that it won't affect the guys. I can tell myself I'm doing them a favor by removing myself from their lives.

I hope I'm not the one who hurt you this way, but maybe I am. How could I know- I haven't taken the slightest bit of responsibility for the way I've treated people, and I've deliberately looked the other way if I saw them suffering. I'm not saying you should forgive your fling, but if anything you probably ought to feel sorry for her.

Quite frankly, I can't thank you enough for posting this question. It's been a wake-up call.

posted by cortex at 9:57 AM on February 7

I feel guilty for feeling this way

One of the more biting things anyone ever told me in these situations is "get over yourself". The relationship didn't work. This happens to everyone, you're neither a creep not a monster for being hurt by it. It's ok to have been hurt, to not just immediately forget someone who made a big impression on you.

What's not ok is "keeping the wound fresh" by constantly poking at it like this. Keep the pleasant memory of the woman but stop agonizing over what could have been. The past is past and the future, sad though it is, won't include her. She probably still has a pleasant memory of you too, but it didn't work out, and you both get to follow different paths in the future. The end.
posted by ead at 10:08 PM on February 8