It's not you it's me

November 5, 2007 10:47 AM

How do I stop a two-night-stand from becoming more?

3 weeks ago i slept with a perfectly nice, consenting 30 year old girl after picking her up at a bar. I should have left it there, but instead traded e-mails over the weeks. This last Friday we met and had more consensual sex.

I do not wish to continue this flirtation, relationship or fling for incredibly superficial reasons - sex is not that good, she's not very bright and i just can't be bothered with the effort for something i know will never, ever work.

I know that I have now led her on, but I need to end this, now, before she really gets hurt and gets her hopes up that I am becoming a boyfriend. Friday she showed me pictures of her family and friends with the terrifying qualifier: "don't worry, you'll meet all these people"

Truly, I am the furthest thing from a player, and have a one night stand every 5 years or so. I am a really nice guy that genuinely does not like to hurt peoples feelings, so I have absolutely no idea how to politely break up with this perfectly normal girl without coming off as a sleaze, user or scumbag (which I very well might be). I also need to do this before she expects the coming Friday to be spent together.

what do i say, do i say it in person, do i just pull the band-aid off quick, do i hang around and comfort her, do i answer or respond to my cell phone or email afterwards, do i lie completely, do i drop off the face of the earth? i'm getting stressed here and need a script

posted by anonymous to human relations (90 comments total)

Just be honest and tell her exactly where you're coming from. She might not like it, but you'll sleep better.
posted by bizwank at 10:53 AM on November 5, 2007 [2 favorites]

"Hey, I really don't think this is working out, so I think we should probably break this off. I'm sorry, and I wish you the best for the future." Or something along those lines. I would think that doing it over the phone would be ok, or in person; not email or texts.

You had two dates. You don't really need to get into any more detail than "I'm sorry, it's not working." Don't hang around and comfort her, don't get into any long drawn-out conversations, and I wouldn't respond to emails or calls afterward (because it doesn't sound like you want to maintain any friendship with her).
posted by occhiblu at 10:54 AM on November 5, 2007 [1 favorite]

"i'm just not looking for a relationship right now. best of luck."
posted by misanthropicsarah at 10:55 AM on November 5, 2007 [2 favorites]

Dear God, be quick, be kind and be gone. Don't lie, don't hang around and comfort her and as brutal as it seems, do not respond if she calls and calls and writes. She'll get over it and if she doesn't, it's not your fault. Either way, responding to her doesn't help. Do not worry about how you come off looking to her because she's not going to think rationally and as long as you're kind, quick, truthful (within reason) and gone, you aren't an asshole.

So meet her somewhere, private, not a coffee shop, not a bar. Tell her you're sorry to have miscommunicated your intentions, but you don't want a relationship now and it's best if you not see her anymore. If she looks really upset or starts crying, tell her you're sorry to have hurt her feelings. Ask if there's someone you can call for her, if she looks really out of control hurt. Then leave. Hanging around and comforting her is a major mixed signal and not your job. Really, if she's even remotely emotionally stable, a goodbye after two nights of consensual sex with a veritable stranger will not be the end of her world.
posted by crush-onastick at 10:56 AM on November 5, 2007 [4 favorites]

Sex couldn't have been that bad if you did it twice.

You can always be up front and go with the "Hey, I like sleeping with you. I don't mind being friends-with-benefits, or whatever, but we're not going to date. Just not that into you."

Or tell her that you're a Jehovah's Witness or something, so not only can't you marry her, you can't let anyone else know that you've slept with her. "I should have told you earlier, but I got carried away by my wine coolers… I'm not ready to give up my life in the Watchtower."

But there's no real way to tell a girl that you like her enough to fuck her but not to date her without coming across as a cad. All you can hope to do is be honest and not give her any stories to tell her friends.

To that end, you might go with the pictures as an excuse and be blunt that you think she's going to rush things. "I'm sorry, you just come across as really desperate when we're not having sex. I'm not into that. Try to relax on the next guy you meet." That way you're still a bit caddish, letting her make it your fault, but you've also been honest and given her some decent advice for the future.
posted by klangklangston at 10:59 AM on November 5, 2007 [2 favorites]

If it's any consolation, I'm not sure how you've "lead her on" from what you've given here. Two dates hardly a relationship make, whether or not sex was involved (if this were a traditional type of dating situation). You don't explain what the nature of these sexcapades were, but was there any date-type preliminary behavior involved? Was it more like a booty call? Unless you're explicitly saying and promising her something more, you're really not obligated to continue seeing her on the off chance she thinks there's something there. Hell, have you thought that maybe she's using you as a booty call?

On the other hand, no, there's not going to be a fool-proof graceful way to bow out of this simply because other people's feelings are involved. I can't guarantee she won't cause a scene or cry or stalk you, but seriously, why are you even assuming the worse to begin with? You don't have to tell her "Honestly, you kind of suck in bed and you're dumb as a sack of dead puppies," just tell her it's not working. Do it in person. Don't do it over email. Your question alone shows over-agonizing over the whole thing that could lead you down the road towards Crap Email from a Guy. I've gotten one of those before. Don't be that guy. Don't give some condescending "It's not you it's me" spiel or try to over explain the situation. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt that they're adult enough to handle the situation.
posted by kkokkodalk at 11:01 AM on November 5, 2007

"I'm sorry, you just come across as really desperate when we're not having sex. I'm not into that. Try to relax on the next guy you meet." That way you're still a bit caddish, letting her make it your fault, but you've also been honest and given her some decent advice for the future.

There's absolutely no reason to destroy this woman's self-esteem just to be "honest." She had different expectations than you did; that does not make her "desperate." Telling her she did something wrong is not helpful, honest, or letting her down easy; it's hurtful, slimy, and reinforcing a lot of fucked-up messages about how men and women are "supposed" to behave.
posted by occhiblu at 11:02 AM on November 5, 2007 [41 favorites]

You tell her it's not working out, sorry. And it's two nights and some email, so whatever the imaginary relationship, you can be polite (and you can do this over the phone) but firm and don't linger. Comforting her is kind of dumb, because you're the one hurting her feelings and "comforting" her is actually for your sake, not hers. Anyway, if she needs comforting, and she gets it from you, you've just un-ended it.

Don't list reasons why you can't, because that leaves it open to argument. Don't tell her all the ways she sucks, because ditto and also unnecessary. Simply: it's not working out, sorry. No future plans, no being friends (not like it sounds like you want to anyway, but don't say it), just you're really sorry but you're not interested in any additional goings-on. A smart girl won't try to counter that (who wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with her anyway?), but you can't count on that - just agree that it's disappointing and the flirtation went on longer than you should have let it, but you're sorry but it's not working out.

You can ignore all future communications. Everybody has to be the asshole sometimes, and the actual bad move was acting like you had feelings you didn't. And that's fine, it happens to everyone, learn your lesson and be more careful about accidentally dating people in the future.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:03 AM on November 5, 2007

I have absolutely no idea how to politely break up with this perfectly normal girl without coming off as a sleaze, user or scumbag (which I very well might be)

That's not really up to you, unfortunately -- if she's going to be hurt, she is, and all you can do is handle the situation with respect and direct communication, right now.

Perspective: regardless of what she thinks of it as having been, it doesn't sound like you've had any actual dates, just sex. I believe that, considering your feelings on the matter and the girl, you should simply call her up, and say essentially, "I've had fun, but I'm not interested in anything more going forward. I apologize if I've sent mixed messages before now, and I apologize for my behavior if your feelings are hurt about how this has worked out. You're a great person, and I hope you find what you are looking for in life. Bye."

Some might say that since your communication was mostly email, an email would be an acceptable medium here. I disagree. I always think that you should give the courtesy of at least some personal contact when dumping someone. The phone is a happy medium and it keeps you out of the "do I hang around afterward" dilemma. I think a meeting in person will almost lead her on more, and also makes a bigger deal out of this than it deserves.

Finally, don't kick yourself too badly over this. It's 2007. A person who embarks on a consensual casual-sex relationship after zero history of friendship, dating or other emotional bond should not be too surprised, intellectually, when it ends abruptly. Emotionally, maybe... but again, that's not about you.

If she contacts you afterward, she's broken the rules. I would ignore cell phone calls, and I would respond once to an email, with a simple, "Again, I'm sorry that you feel [hurt, disappointed, whatever, echo her language], but this is for the best." Then ignore emails after that.
posted by pineapple at 11:03 AM on November 5, 2007 [3 favorites]

You not wanting to date her does not make you a bad person. It does not make her a bad person, either, although it's tempting to cast her in that light so you can feel better abour yourself (i.e. it's not that I'm a jerk who uses women for sex, it's that she's desperate to trap me into a relationship). She is not "desperate" for liking you more than you like her, and if you even imply it to her, Anonymous, THAT would make you a cad. Stop e-mailing now, stop calling now. If she contacts you, explain that you don't wish to continue the relationship, but you wish her luck. The end.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:06 AM on November 5, 2007 [4 favorites]

the actual bad move was acting like you had feelings you didn't.

Nothing in your post indicates you even did this. It's not wrong to just want to sleep with someone, it's wrong to keep on doing so once you realize they feel differently. Seems like you just realized this and now you're taking action, so keep it super-short and simple and stick to it.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 11:07 AM on November 5, 2007

oh oh oh, let me.

1. act a little distant for a day or two- don't return her calls.

2. then when she calls, answer and act a bit distracted.

3. when she asks you what's wrong, you say,

"i gotta tell you, i'm in a bit of a weird situation here. i think you're really cool, but my ex and i have been talking and i'm confused what to do. i don't think i'm in a place to pursue this with you. i'm really sorry. i think you're really cool... this is totally a problem on my end, it's nothing you did."

rationale:
using an ex as a scapegoat is the best way to make her think it's not her problem = lets her save face. this breakup is your problem, not her problem, hence now is not the time to be honest (you're dumb and a bad lay) and make her feel shitty. (saying "my ex and i have been talking" is so vague that it's probably not even a lie.)
let the poor girl off easy = blame an invisible ex.
posted by twistofrhyme at 11:13 AM on November 5, 2007 [13 favorites]

First date, weeks of trading emails, second date...wait-- weeks of trading emails?

In those emails, you didn't get/give any sense that there was more happening there? Or was it all just lolcats and funny youtube links?
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 11:14 AM on November 5, 2007 [1 favorite]

Tell her you're sorry to have miscommunicated your intentions, but you don't want a relationship now and it's best if you not see her anymore.

Seconding. A little bit of blaming yourself (even if it is undeserved) will get the whole thing over and done with sharpish.

There is only really two outcomes to this, if you are a genuinely nice guy (otherwise why ask here):

1: She will be fine with it, and wasn't relly thinking this would progress, but was idly curious. I'd give this a 5% chance (or less) of being likely.

2: She won't like it - of varying degrees:

She may well end up disliking you. Possibly intensely. She may well feel betrayed, no matter how much you are sure you didn't lead her on. Sometimes the leading on is entirely one sided and without basis. It just happens. I appreciate that this will bother you, as a nice guy, but you HAVE to just get over it. Anything that you try and do to assuage her upset/anger will only make the situation worse. No matter how much you don't want to upset her about it, you have to just accept her reaction. Being nice can either just infuriate her, or could be taken as doubt as to your desire to end it. Be sure you know you are not going to be able to walk away from this feeling other than like a piece of crap (mildly or lots) as you will be upsetting someone. You can't stop this, it's just going to happen, and any attempt to try and make it 'ok' will end badly.

No good will come of this. You don't have to be an arse, but you do have to set a boundary before hand and do NOT cross it. Just to be sure, this means that you can NOT sleep with her again. Or kiss her. Or even be physically comforting, particularly. Showing physical affection to someone you want to blow off is not going to help and will confuse the message. Do not tell her when she is drunk. Or when you are.

In summary, be as nice as your personality dictates, but do NOT be reactive. Decide what you have to say in advance and say it as nicely as you can, but firmly and without ambiguity. There is no advantage or help available by responding to her reaction. If she's fine, but a little upset, that is the best you can hope for. Regardless of her reaction, once she has got the message, LEAVE. Nothing after that will be helpful and is as likely to upset you just as much as make it worse for her. There is absolutely no way this will be a painless and easy thing, the best you can hope for is 'extremely uncomfortable'.

And, from my experience, the more extreme the reaction, the faster you need to be out of there. Not for your own sake, but because the reaction is either destructive, or designed to get you to react. To make you care. Leave. Trust me. It's not up to you to look after her, that is what friends are for. If you wanted to be her friend, you shouldn't have slept with her. If you wanted to be a boyfriend, you wouldn't be ending it.
posted by Brockles at 11:14 AM on November 5, 2007

be truthful, and polite. truth is a powerful thing, and manners are always very important. this is no big deal, it was a double one-night-stand, she'll figure that out
posted by matteo at 11:17 AM on November 5, 2007

Why are you so invested in making her think you're not a bad person? Why do you even care? In fact, if she thinks you're a real rat bastard, she's likely to be able to get over you a whole lot faster, AND she'll be able to get into a new, real relationship a lot sooner.
posted by InnocentBystander at 11:25 AM on November 5, 2007

Whatever you do...do it and be DONE. Don't think about it again around Christmas, feel bad about yourself and send her a "hope you're well" text message to soothe your conscience (or stroke your ego.)
posted by clh at 11:31 AM on November 5, 2007

I'd say, quick, simple, and honest without going into too much detail. "Listen, X, I think we may be wanting different things right now. I'm not looking for a relationship. I don't want to give you any false impressions, so I think it's best that we go our separate ways". Or something to that effect.

I'd stay away from saying something like, "You're a great girl" (response: then why don't you want to see me?) Getting into niceties and platitudes designed to make someone feel better will likely result in making you sound condescending, or like you played her. I think sticking to tbe basic fact that you're just not interested in going further is the right way to go. She may be angry, she mad be sad, she may be confused, but let's face it: she's 30 years old, she should be able to handle her disappointment or anger. Also, this is bound to happen to people more than once in their lifetime. As the wise Dan Savage says, relationships fail all the time - except that one time, when they don't. Dealing with these kinds of things is par for the course of dating.

You are right in surmising that it's not fair to her to lead her on. So I'd lay it out for her, and then if she tried to contact you again, just don't respond.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 11:32 AM on November 5, 2007

Come up with a story about how you can't date her because you are having an existential crisis. It works every time!
posted by ND¢ at 11:36 AM on November 5, 2007 [3 favorites]

a lot of askmefiers are very principled about honesty, and i see it in this thread. comments like "tell her the truth, you're just not into her. she's a grownup, she can take it". that honesty makes YOU feel good (i am sooo honest! yay me!).... and it makes her feel shitty (i was not pretty/funny/sexy enough to sustain this person's interest for a mere 3 weeks! i suck!).

say what you want about how we're all adults and whatever, but it sounds like this woman was hopeful that this would work out, and will probably be at least a little sad it's over. when her friends ask her "what happened with anonymous", give her a better story to tell than "he didn't like me". this is why i suggested what i said above: say "i've been talking to an ex, and now i'm confused- i probably shouldn't pursue this thing with you, i'm really sorry. you are cool but the timing is bad."

let her assume it was all in the timing, so she doesn't have to wonder what makes her so boring / unattractive that you didn't want to keep emailing and sleeping with her.

i've been on the receiving end of several kinds of breakups:

1. the vanishers, who just stopped contact- who made me feel like a dumb slut
2. the honest ones, who said "i don't wanna pursue this, sorry," who made me feel like a dumb, cheap, ugly, boring slut,
and
3. the gentle liars, who said "you're cool. but i am confused about my feelings for another person and you got caught in the crossfire, sorry," who made me feel like i was interesting and cute but the timing was bad, oh well.

now i'm a liberated woman and i KNOW, in my head, that i am NOT dumb, cheap, slutty, ugly, unfunny, or boring. (in fact, i'm smart, expensive, choosy, cute, funny, and interesting.) but the #1s and #2s in the scenarios above still made me feel like shit. yes, i'm an adult, but on a subtle level, their honesty damaged me, and then i got stuck doing work to fix that damage.

if you have nothing to offer to this woman but hurt, keep it to yourself. don't make her feel like shit.

as for all the #3s i met out there, i still think of them fondly- "we had a bit of fun, the timing didn't work out, i wish them the best." in hindsight, i know that some of them were indeed telling the truth (we're still pals, and i know they actually did reunite with exes, etc). but i also assume that some were probably letting me down easy- and my undamaged self-esteem thanks them for it.
posted by twistofrhyme at 11:37 AM on November 5, 2007 [54 favorites]

Write the URL to this page on a scrap of paper and slip it under her door in the middle of the night.

In other words - tell her more or less what you just told us.
posted by fire&wings at 11:40 AM on November 5, 2007 [1 favorite]

Oh good lord, please don't play games or make up some needlessly complicated scenario. All such scenarios require massive assumptions on what she wants or needs, and you're likely going to get it wrong and seem like an ass. Or at the very least, it makes things more complicated than necessary.

misanthropicsarah's got your line, "I'm just not looking for a relationship right now. Best of luck."

If she does persist in trying to continue the relationship, you can let her know that you'd prefer to not lead her on by continuing correspondence.

I agree that you should not continue this, since you're not into it, but don't assume that because of that line about meeting her friends/family that she's OMG Totally In Love With You! She may have been testing the waters, she may just be really friendly, she may assume that you're really into HER and are assuming you'll meet the fam, she may just say whatever bubbles up without analyzing it.
posted by desuetude at 11:47 AM on November 5, 2007 [2 favorites]

what do i say, do i say it in person, do i just pull the band-aid off quick, do i hang around and comfort her, do i answer or respond to my cell phone or email afterwards, do i lie completely, do i drop off the face of the earth?

Call her and do it over the phone. Making plans to met her somewhere is just kinda humilating to her, she shows up thinking "oh, I'm having coffee with my date" and then gets her expectations broken in public which, even if there isn't a scene, comes off as cruel.

Email her saying you need to talk. Tell the truth and explain that you just don't see you two as being compatible, you're sorry. Listen to her and allow her to get some closure. If she asks specific questions, such as why, then kindly point out that you two just don't seem to have the same interests (the she's not bright part). Don't drag it out and don't let her drag it out. It shoudl be 5, 10 minutes tops. Wish her well, apologize again for any mistaken intentions and say goodybe. That's it.

Finally, be sure of what you want here. You say the sex is terrible, but did you ask for certain things, or try to communicate these things to her? As for not being as bright as you, that might be a good thing. Just because someone doesn't meet certain expectations doesn't mean you two can't have a decent relationship.

Neither of you are bad people, sometimes things just don't work out. No need to feel about any of it, you're trying to do the right thing.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:53 AM on November 5, 2007

The magic phrase you're looking for is: "I'm just not feeling it..."
posted by LordSludge at 11:57 AM on November 5, 2007

be truthful, and polite. truth is a powerful thing, and manners are always very important. this is no big deal, it was a double one-night-stand, she'll figure that out

Elegantly spoken matteo. Dear anonymous, I love that you're being honest and thoughtful in this. You don't remotely sound like a rat bastard, it makes sense that after you got to know her a bit over time you discovered not being interested in her. And I don't think you have either been a rat bastard, nor is it necessary for her to think you are in your exit. Being thought of as a rat bastard when one hasn't been one is an unnecessary wound to create in her, you and the world.

It is important to allow the person being rejected some room for anger but not so it puts you in harm's way.

Being rejected hurts and the act can be done thoughtfully on the part of the rejector.

How to reject someone nicely. How To Reject The Girl You Don't Want.

Maybe something like: Hi xxx, I need to say something a little difficult. I wanted to say thank you for the time we had together and also that I'm not interested in taking our contact further. It's nothing that you did wrong and I wanted to end our communication amicably. I wish you well, x.
posted by nickyskye at 12:02 PM on November 5, 2007 [1 favorite]

Don't beat around the bush. Just be direct and let her know you're not interested.

Please, please do not play games with her. Don't simply stop calling or emailing and ignore her. Don't just suddenly start acting distant. All of that is cowardly and it just leaves a bad impression.

Don't wait for her to contact you. You don't want this potential relationship, it's your responsibility to tell her that.

Be direct - "You know what, I'm sorry, but this just isn't working out. I'm not really interested in taking this any further."

If she asks for clarification, be honest about you just not feeling the compatibility.
posted by cmgonzalez at 12:02 PM on November 5, 2007

Say, "Hi, the sex is not that good, you're not very bright and i just can't be bothered with the effort for something i know will never, ever work."
Simple, direct. Can't miss.
posted by signal at 12:06 PM on November 5, 2007

been there recently, let the girl down easily ... still felt like a prick afterwards.

YMMV
posted by jannw at 12:18 PM on November 5, 2007

I side with the short-but-sweet camp.

"I'm sorry, this just isn't working out."
"It's me, it's not your fault."
"You're a nice girl* and I wish you the best."

Don't say anything to her that isn't a direct variation of those three sentences.

If pressed to explain why it's not working out, "it just isn't" is a valid reason. If she continues to press you for clarification, like as not she's looking for a loophole or a weak spot that she can use to prolong contact, which will make you both miserable. Leave it at "I'm sorry, it just isn't."

*You don't have to tell her she's awesome, but "nice" or something similar will work. If you give her a compliment, make sure it's the kind that will reassure her that she's not undateable, not the kind that will give her false hope that you're into her.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:28 PM on November 5, 2007

Say, "Hi, the sex is not that good, you're not very bright and i just can't be bothered with the effort for something i know will never, ever work."

No, do not say that.
posted by nickyskye at 12:33 PM on November 5, 2007 [3 favorites]

"hey, ladyfriend,

that thing you had planned next weekend sounds fun, but i won't be able to make it. i'm just not feeling much chemistry between us and don't want to string you along unfairly. good luck with everything.

anonymous"
posted by thinkingwoman at 12:34 PM on November 5, 2007

twistofrhyme has it right. Honesty is NOT always the best policy. In a relationship, yes, it is. But this is not a relationship. Just tell her the ex thing, or bad timing for some other reason, and leave it at that.
posted by Grither at 12:45 PM on November 5, 2007 [1 favorite]

Yeah, seconding thinkingwoman's idea.
posted by nickyskye at 12:46 PM on November 5, 2007

"I'm sorry, you just come across as really desperate when we're not having sex. I'm not into that. Try to relax on the next guy you meet." That way you're still a bit caddish, letting her make it your fault, but you've also been honest and given her some decent advice for the future.

Yeah, that decent advice being "don't hook up with guys who use 'being blunt' as an excuse to be smug, cruel assholes."
posted by scody at 1:01 PM on November 5, 2007 [3 favorites]

I'm surprised so many people are saying to tell her "I'm not looking for a relationship right now." Girls see right through that, just tell her it's not working. That's the truth right?
posted by sweetkid at 1:02 PM on November 5, 2007

Moreover, "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" makes her feel like total shit when she sees you in a relationship with someone else three weeks later.

The smug asshole bit could drive some people to jump off a fucking bridge. Seriously. Please don't do that, especially since it doesn't seem like you know this woman enough to know what her reaction would be.
posted by InnocentBystander at 1:12 PM on November 5, 2007

Honestly, when you pick a girl/guy up at a bar, even if the sex happens twice, it is highly likely that nothing will come of it. I say she's an adult, you're an adult. Be honest, be gentle and move on.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 1:13 PM on November 5, 2007

Actually, don't do it over the phone, unless you're not an adult.
posted by emelenjr at 1:13 PM on November 5, 2007

It's been two dates, even if she was hoping for more and felt something was there, it's still been only two dates. Just tell her you really aren't ready for a relationship right now and you are sorry if you gave the wrong impression, that she is a very nice girl, but that just isn't what you want.

Of course she will know you are blowing her off, but that's really unavoidable. You don't need to delude her, you just need to be nice and let her preserve some dignity in the situation. If you met her at a bar, I'm assuming there is a very good chance you will never see her again if you don't want to.
posted by whoaali at 1:27 PM on November 5, 2007

I enthusiastically second twistofrhyme.
posted by kmennie at 1:32 PM on November 5, 2007

twistofrhyme - 100% percent agree
posted by KAS at 1:36 PM on November 5, 2007

Are you people advocating complete honesty insane? Why would you want to create emotional baggage for your erstwhile date to lug around with them for the foreseeable future? Because you think your "truth" will help them? Get over yourself.

Dating works best when you have the confidence to be exactly yourself and when you have the luck to meet up with someone who appreciates that exact self. It does no one any good to try to change someone for the better during the breakup -- you just decimate their self-confidence and give them a badly-drawn map for self-improvement that won't ultimately help them get anywhere. I mean, come on, is this a huge surprise? You can't even change people when you are dating them, much less when you are breaking up with them.

I've used the ex relationship as a reason for breaking things off before, and I firmly believe it was absolutely the most humane thing to do. And when I think of the people who broke up with me without giving me this reason, causing me personal crises of varying lengths and levels of misery, I am now come to think of it a little annoyed that they were not creative or thoughtful enough to go easy on someone who was nothing but lovely to them but just wasn't the right fit. And I am mad at myself for not having thought of it earlier and used it for every single break-up in my life. You are getting lots of abjectly conflicting advice in this thread. Truth, schmuth. If this person has done nothing wrong, and just isn't working out for you, be kind.
posted by onlyconnect at 1:44 PM on November 5, 2007 [3 favorites]

Another vote for BEING NICE, not honest. This is all coming back to you karmically - how do you want to be dumped next time??
posted by jrichards at 1:56 PM on November 5, 2007

I've used the ex relationship as a reason for breaking things off before, and I firmly believe it was absolutely the most humane thing to do.

One can be "humane" without lying.
posted by cmgonzalez at 1:58 PM on November 5, 2007 [1 favorite]

If it were me -- and it isn't, so this might not work for you -- I would do this:

Since you're convinced she'll want to hang out this coming Friday, suggest that you meet somewhere that you can talk. When you meet, let her know that you've been thinking about your involvement so far, and you've had a great time, but you're the kind of person who hates to get in a relationship quickly only to find you've got big incompatibilities.

Then start asking her about herself, and find out what she's like. Sure, the sex might be mediocre and she might be kind of dumb...but here's some thinging material for you:

#1: the second-best relationship (emotionally, and ultimately physically) I ever had was with a woman who was without qualification "mediocre" in bed. She was just too awesome otherwise to pass up, and over the first year we really learned what each other liked and the sex ended up fantastic;

#2: I had a recurring relationship with someone who was so dumb that I said -- more than once -- "just stop talking. I can't stand to listen to you talk." Needless to say it was a dysfunctional relationship. But you know what? Years later we spent some time together, and she was actually quite smart. I called her on it, and she said at the time she was sick of being the "smart" girl, so when she met me she tried playing the dumb bimbo; she said it took the pressure off. Which turned out to be a shame, because her apparent stupidity was the only reason I left.

So you find out what she's really like, and you tell her what you're like. Just make sure you discuss the big-ticket items like religion and politics and having children.

If things are going well and you suddenly find you like this person, great! And if not...well, either you'll have discovered incompatibilities that will provide a basis for electing not to proceed, or you'll be able to conjure up a few (kids/no kids and democrat/republican being the easiest.)

But really, go in with an open mind. Life's funny, and you never know what might happen.
posted by davejay at 2:14 PM on November 5, 2007 [1 favorite]

er, thinking, not thinging
posted by davejay at 2:14 PM on November 5, 2007

Well, yeah, one can be humane without lying, but sometimes being humane sounds a lot like waffling.

I don't know this girl from Adam's housecat, but she may interpret "I'm not ready for a relationship right now," as "so wait around until I am."

She may think, "It's not you, it's me," means you're a guy who needs some saving and she's the girl who can do it.

She may believe that, "You're a nice girl..." means she isn't sexy enough for you (sounds true, but no one wants to hear it) or that you want her to break out the whips and flails.

My advice? onlyconnect is onto something here.

Something along the lines of, "My ex wants to give it another try." It sounds harmless and makes for a clean break. No one is hurt; if she sees you with another woman then she will assume it is the ex.
posted by misha at 2:19 PM on November 5, 2007

"Sorry, I have a type, and even though you are a great person, it's not you. "
posted by BrotherCaine at 2:40 PM on November 5, 2007 [1 favorite]

On a broader note, it's so condescending to assume that EVERY SINGLE WOMAN in the entire world has such low self-esteem that they simply can't handle the truth so you must lie to them and take care of their delicate feelings. It's incredibly paternalistic.

However, while we're in the business of managing others' feelings via manipulation and deceit, won't "getting back with the ex" make her feel like a rebound, or like you were using her for sex until the ex came back? Or that maybe once you get this thing with the ex sorted out, you'll be back? Or maybe...you're not a psychic?

Call her and tell her you can't see her anymore. When she says why, say, I simply can't, sorry. It was nice meeting you, though, you seem like a wonderful person. Bye!

The end. You're not responsible for her feelings. All you're responsible for is being honest and ethical in your dealings with her, which you have been.
posted by sondrialiac at 2:41 PM on November 5, 2007 [3 favorites]

I disagree with the people who say to do it in person. Phone is faster and easier for both of you, and after two sex dates, I don't think it's inappropriate. If I were her, I'd rather a quick phone call than schlepping somewhere just to find out the guy I like doesn't like me. I'd be thinking, what the hell, you couldn't call?

Plus, it just seems awkward to me to meet a guy somewhere, we each buy a coffee, we sit down, he tells me whatever, and then . . . what? We finish our coffee? How uncomfortable. Or we don't finish our coffee b/c the whole thing was kind of a charade to begin with so we sit for a grand total of 3 minutes and then book out of there? It's just unnecessary.

If she's really hurt or is just embarrassed that she misjudged the situation, her response to whatever you decide to say to her can just be, bascially, kthxbye, if you do it over the phone. She can get off the phone quickly and have her private meltdown, call her best friend, drink, whatever. But in person, she'll have to respond to you, act appropriately, drive home, etc.

And if there is no meltdown or embarrassment and she just doesn't care, then the whole thing is taken care of with one easy phone call!
posted by Mavri at 2:53 PM on November 5, 2007 [3 favorites]

No such thing as casual sex. Which you now know for sure.

I believe you when you said you don't want to be a cad. So call her up, now, and tell her the truth. You were horny, she was available, and now that you have gotten to know her a little bit she's not good enough for you.

Actually, no, don't say that. But know that no matter what you say to her that is what she is going to realize, and it's going to sting. That's reality.

So tell her however you choose to tell her that there is no relationship, and accept feeling like a cad as logical consequenses.

(OTOH, perhaps if she's made a habit of this kind of behavior herself, she might not even feel that bad about it.Which in its own way is even sadder)
posted by konolia at 2:54 PM on November 5, 2007

At the risk of repeating what others may have said, just be honest in a sensitive way and keep it short. Do not stay around to answer questions or comfort her. Show her respect by being honest, sensitive and straightforward and then move on. Hopefully, she has some friends/family to support her if it is difficult for her. I think it's very respectable that you have concern and are making an effort to figure out how to best handle the situation.
posted by rglass at 2:55 PM on November 5, 2007

Oh, and I do vote phone call. I was broken up with in person with a fellow who I was desperately in love with, and it was incredinly painful. Phone would have been better.
posted by konolia at 2:56 PM on November 5, 2007

Nthing phone call, for what it's worth. Conversely to konolia, the last person I dated ended things with an email--tacky. At least give 'em a chance to respond, if they feel they want/need to.
posted by freem at 3:00 PM on November 5, 2007

Not everyone's saying being a total asshole=honest. What I meant by honest was don't give the girl bullshit. It's about respect. Treat them like another reasonable adult. Don't create some plan of attack based on some assumption she's gonna crack and break down because you told her you don't want to see her anymore.

Look, yea you can be "humane," but the point is any beating around the bushery is gonna lend itself to possibly getting mired more in a situation for unnecessary reasons. Like misha said, telling some girl "you're nice, but..." or "I'm not looking for a relationship right now..." doesn't really cover your ass. And what's with this desire for needing to cover your ass? You want to stop seeing her. If you wanted to cover your ass, you'd just keep seeing her regardless of your feelings. You're not obgliated to see someone you're not feeling anything for.

What's wrong with just saying it's not working out? That you're not feeling it and you'd rather stop leading them on? "The ex wants to give it another try?" Really? I don't know, man. That seems more cruel because then what's that mean? So she's good for the sex, but you're just gonna drop her ass at the drop of a hat? And while white lies may be OK sometimes, that's just too damn dangerous. It can be a damn small world. It's not about her feelings in the future, but lying about phantom exes that want you back can kind of come and bite you in the ass. It seems like making more trouble than is necessary. Get in, get out. No need ot be nasty, and no need to be more kind about it than necessary.

Like I said, there's no way to gracefully pull out of a situation like this because you can't predict other people's feelings. I personally find it condescending when some guy tries to give me the "it's not you, it's just me/you're a nice girl" talk. Or "you'll find someone nice, I swear." Uh, thanks? When you give a girl the "It's not you, it's me...I'm just at this place right now," more often than not the bullshit meter goes off blaring that no, that's not the real reason. I mean come on, it's so cliched everyone knows it by that name. I would prefer a guy honestly say "I don't feel like pursuing this." Then I can be all, "OK, cool, thanks for letting me know and not wasting my time, peace," and get on with it, instead of feeling like a fragile thing who needs to be treated gingerly with kid gloves lest she needs to go loosen her corset and lie down a bit on the ottoman in the drawing room.
posted by kkokkodalk at 3:05 PM on November 5, 2007 [3 favorites]

Yeah do the phone thing, email tacky, and in person requires that she get ready, not make other plans, etc etc she shouldn't have to put in time and effort only for you to ruin her night. Do it Wed/Thurs ish. Gives her time to get over you and go out and have a fun time Friday night, but doesn't make her wallow in it all week.
posted by whoaali at 3:08 PM on November 5, 2007

"The ex wants to give it another try?" Really? I don't know, man. That seems more cruel because then what's that mean? So she's good for the sex, but you're just gonna drop her ass at the drop of a hat?

No, it means that someone you've had a longer relationship with, deeper feelings about, and an old space carved out in your heart for is asking you for another chance and you feel obligated to see where that road goes. Of course, I'm sure you can use the ex story in a way that comes off as unkind, too, but it's not difficult to do it in a way that allows everyone involved to come out feeling okay.

Also, I'm not saying that everyone *needs* this approach. But if you are not really connecting with the person, you may not know them well enough to know whether or not they have the potential to be really hurt by the break up. Why take that chance when you could make things as painless for them as possible? Because you believe you need to share "the truth" and you're morally opposed to fibbing to save people's feelings? Please read twistofrhyme's comment again.
posted by onlyconnect at 3:40 PM on November 5, 2007 [1 favorite]

On a broader note, it's so condescending to assume that EVERY SINGLE WOMAN in the entire world has such low self-esteem that they simply can't handle the truth so you must lie to them and take care of their delicate feelings. It's incredibly paternalistic.

Actually, it's incredibly sexist to assume we wouldn't give the same advice to a woman looking to break it off with a man in the same circumstances.
posted by misha at 4:03 PM on November 5, 2007 [1 favorite]

I sense that you are worried about having a difficult conversation. But when a woman opens her vagina to you, it's bound to be difficult to tell her, "I don't want to see you anymore." Even if you were only in her twice.
posted by jayder at 4:22 PM on November 5, 2007

Seconding being humane without lying.
posted by nickyskye at 4:23 PM on November 5, 2007

Bleh, I can't take the time to wade through all the bad advice being given here.

But if you want to extricate yourself with the least amount of discomfort for either of you...

Just cease contact with her. Stop calling. Stop emailing. Stop returning her calls and emails. Just stop.

She's an adult. She's "bright" as you say... she'll get the picture.

Maybe she'll leave you some pissy voice mail saying what an ass you are or whatever. So what? She'll get over it.

Honestly she needs to learn that she just can't drop her panties and expect to be in a relationship. People don't learn these lessons without a little hurt.

Walk away...
posted by wfrgms at 4:33 PM on November 5, 2007

Honestly she needs to learn that she just can't drop her panties and expect to be in a relationship. People don't learn these lessons without a little hurt.

What a punitive, misogynistic, puritanical crock. People in the West often go on from having sex after meeting informally to staying in a long term relationship. It's a crap shoot how one meets or stays with a person.
posted by nickyskye at 5:06 PM on November 5, 2007 [8 favorites]

Yeah I agree with nickyskye, some people on this thread seem to think that this girl needs to learn the cold hard truth about life or her supposed personal defects or about sleeping with a guy the first night you meet him. When really all that happened here is that anon didn't feel there was chemistry and now wants to bow out gracefully. Happens everyday, there isn't anything wrong with either of them or the situation in general. This girl doesn't have a major personal defect that is repugnant to the vast majority of the population that she ought to be told about so she can correct.
posted by whoaali at 5:20 PM on November 5, 2007

Upon seeing occhiblu's response, she's completely right and I was wrong.
posted by klangklangston at 5:38 PM on November 5, 2007

If you want to be nice about it, as you say:

Do it over the phone. Do it ASAP so that she can make other plans for Friday.

Lie to her; say something about a fictional ex you are getting back together with. Tell her she's a great girl and you're really sorry you led her on.

If she wants to stay friends, tell her that you promised your fictional girlfriend that you wouldn't continue to see or talk to her.

Please be kind. This is the a situation white lies are made for.
posted by tk at 5:58 PM on November 5, 2007

But onlyconnect, why does it have to be about being morally opposed to fibbing? Can't there be a middle ground? Why's it so black and white? You don't have to be morally opposed to fibbing to not tell a white lie. And it's definitely not about "teaching a girl a lesson for opening her vagina" as some others have stated. I'm not saying he has to be brutally honest about it. You seem to gloss over that bit as well as the part where I say really there's a chance it'll get messy any way you cut it. I'm just saying that as the owner of a vagina who may or may not open it to a guy, I would personally find it insulting to be fed a story. I'm not saying I'd feel good about myself and would be totally over it if a guy told me he simply stated he didn't see it as working out, but I'd definitely be insulted if I had to hear him explain that he didn't want to see me anymore because his ex was back in town instead of just telling me "I don't think this is working out." See? It *is* kind of fibbing in a way because you're only telling a partial truth so no, my point of view is not about making him feel better about himself by telling the truth. He's not going to tell her that she's a bad lay and he finds her stupid. From what I see, it totally follows your view that it can be done as painlessly as possible so I don't know why you're disagreeing with me.
posted by kkokkodalk at 6:07 PM on November 5, 2007

I phrased that last part badly. I meant that it's another point of view that totally follows your view that it can be done as painlessly as possible.
posted by kkokkodalk at 6:09 PM on November 5, 2007

Most people are shitty liars. I wouldn't suggest finding out this time whether you are special in this particular way.

Just call her, say "I think we should break this off right now before you get your feelings hurt worse. I don't want a relationship with you, I'm sorry about it, but please don't contact me. Thanks for the memories." CLICK
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 6:20 PM on November 5, 2007

Think about how you would like to be let down, and then do that.

In short, let her down the way you'd like to be let down.
posted by Effigy2000 at 6:23 PM on November 5, 2007 [1 favorite]

It's been said a bunch of times already, but I'll add one more vote for being nice, being direct, and keeping it simple. Phone is good, email (or worse, instant message) is not so good. The script is really simple -- you say something nice, then you give a socially acceptable excuse that both of you know isn't really the truth, then you say bye. Hey, you're really awesome and I've enjoyed hanging out with you, but right now just isn't the right time for me to be in a relationship, and anyway, well, it's been real. Ciao!

Honesty is super cool if you are in an Ayn Rand novel, but real life is built on kindness and good manners, not brute honesty. Treat her as kindly as you would want someone you thought was super hot and really smart and ultra sexy to treat you when they call up to break up with you because really, your penis is small and your conversation is dull and all they really wanted was a one night pity fuck anyway, and even that turned out to be a big disappointment, and did you know that you smell funny? Do you want that person to call you up and tell you those things in so many words? Or might it really be nicer if she told you "hey, this isn't totally where I'm at right now, I'm just not ready for a relationship, you know how it is, gotta run!"?
posted by Forktine at 6:35 PM on November 5, 2007 [2 favorites]

[a few comments removed - when you're starting to debate the other people in this thread and not answering the OPs question, it's time to take it to metatalk or email folks]
posted by jessamyn at 6:40 PM on November 5, 2007

How about this:

Add her as a friend on Facebook.
Change your profile to indicate you are in a relationship with her.
Then once she's approved that on there, you remove that from your profile. It will say she's no longer in a relationship. She'll get the message.
posted by sycophant at 7:20 PM on November 5, 2007

wow, that Crap Email from a Dude site is voyeurlicious! you should FPP it, kkokkodalk!
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:25 PM on November 5, 2007

OK, a slightly more serious answer, or part of one, at least.

Even though I favourited it, wouldn't recommend the "I've been talking again with my ex; things are complicated; timing's bad" excuse. It sounds neat & plausible enough, but can backfire if your paths & circles cross in any way.

Somebody used that line on an ex of mine not too long ago, then within about a week she noticed that his profile was back up on an internet dating site. "So...how are things working out with your ex?" is not a question you want to be inventing an answer for in a situation like that. Remember, lies tend to beget more lies, and you might end up being put on the spot down the track, with the girl asking "So, if your ex fell through again, I must be next in line, right? Right?"
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:53 PM on November 5, 2007 [1 favorite]

the OP met the woman in a bar. their social circles don't intersect, so he will never get called out on the white lie of claiming there's an ex in town. even if the woman does see him on another date next week, she's not gonna come over & interrogate the new woman to see if she is, in fact, the ex he mentioned before.

in general, people will be so happy to believe that it wasn't their fault things didn't work out, that they will not call anyone out on this particular white lie, ever. as i said before, it's been used on me, and also, i've used it myself, on several nice men with whom i went on a date or two, then decided i didn't want to see again. i cannot stress how much better the ex-cuse is than any other strategy i've ever tried or received.
posted by twistofrhyme at 10:26 PM on November 5, 2007

Nthing everyone who says, "I'm sorry, but this isn't going to work out".

I would find it smarmy to be "wished the best" by someone who has made it 100% clear he wants nothing more to do with me.
posted by brujita at 10:32 PM on November 5, 2007

their social circles don't intersect, so he will never get called out on the white lie of claiming there's an ex in town.

idunno. not sure how true that is in the online, connected world of today. degrees of separation, googlability & all that...the OP would be the best judge of how easily the story could be found out to be untrue. could depend on how much real-name online presence he has.

anyway, you're definitely right about one thing: people will bend over backwards to believe a white lie, if it's flattering to them.
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:24 PM on November 5, 2007

Your problem is not two nights of sex. It's whatever you replied in the weeks of e-mail communication. Only you can tell how much you led her on cos you were horny, so obviously that will guide you as to which of the above strategies may be useful. Gosh, but this has really touched a Metadumpedfilter nerve!
posted by Wilder at 3:32 AM on November 6, 2007

Yeah, the ex excuse is a good one. I didn't exactly have it used on me, but a guy stopped calling me with no explanation whatsoever. A few weeks later a friend of mine who vaguely knows him found out he had gotten back with a very long term ex gf, it may sound stupid, but I felt so much better knowing it probably didn't have anything to do with me. That's probably me in denial, but still made me feel better.
posted by whoaali at 5:12 AM on November 6, 2007

I agree with the people who say you should just say it's not working out.

And I would urge you, in future, to make sure you're on the same page BEFORE you have sex with someone. Make it clear whether you do or don't see the sex as the beginning of something more, and find out what your partner would like. Yes, it might mean you get laid less often, but what's more important to you, getting laid, or treating people honourably?
posted by orange swan at 6:41 AM on November 6, 2007

Hey, kkokkodalk, sorry if I was abrasive. I do think your approach is much better than people who want to tell the girl all her faults as a sort of break up education.

Personally, for a short relationship as described above, I would much rather be told it wasn't working out because of an ex or feelings for another person, etc, rather than it wasn't working out generally. Because "it's not working out generally" is code for "it's not working out because I don't like you enough." I just think it's ever so much kinder to tell someone it's not working out because of unseen forces that they have nothing to do with.

But you're right, people may feel differently. I just know what I'd prefer.
posted by onlyconnect at 7:17 AM on November 6, 2007

I would find it smarmy to be "wished the best" by someone who has made it 100% clear he wants nothing more to do with me.

Seriously! That shit is the worst. You're not so great that a woman will fall apart and die from not dating you. Be polite but don't overestimate your own worth.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:39 AM on November 6, 2007 [1 favorite]

So, nobody suggested an even number of yellow roses bouquet? Ah, the good old days I used to get dumped!

Seriously, I am on the camp that says "no white lies" even though I have tremendous respect for those who advocate a mild excuse to avoid hurting her.

I am also in the camp that says "you both are equally responsible for the hurt that ensues, even though only one bears it". I do not think you could have known you two did not match earlier. Men and women can have every right to take it "to the bed" as soon as they fucking (ahem) like it.

Do it over the phone, quick (10mins tops) and polite. "I am sorry, I enjoyed the time we spent together, but I do not want to continue this because it will not work out. Sorry."

Give her time for the inevitable and natural question "Did I do something wrong?" It will be cad to let her wonder what did she do wrong. You then should say something "You did absolutely nothing wrong. Our personalities do not match, although you are a great woman, a relationship will not work." Do not go ahead answering more questions.

I just only hope she is somewhere thinking to herself "Oh, it isn't working with this guy. Too serious and stuffy for me". But unfortunately reality rarely obliges.
posted by carmina at 8:32 AM on November 6, 2007

I would find it smarmy to be "wished the best" by someone who has made it 100% clear he wants nothing more to do with me.

I wish the best for my next door neighbor, my kid's teacher, and the guy who picks up my garbage each week. I certainly do not wish them ill. Is it really a big deal to offer one small, harmless, truthful platitude when one is dumping a casual sex partner? I don't think it is.
posted by pineapple at 10:04 AM on November 6, 2007 [1 favorite]

I feel that "I think you're a good person" (if in fact anon thinks this is so) would be better.
posted by brujita at 1:57 PM on November 6, 2007

Get together for afternoon coffee - break it off cleanly, don't stick around beyond the 'Is it something I did?' phase. For God's sake don't try to lie about it, honesty helps everyone. You're not a sleaze and your reasons aren't superficial at all - and yes you can have bad sex twice in a row, even as a joke that's a lame response.

Thank God this is a relatively easy one! :)
posted by waxbanks at 8:29 PM on November 6, 2007

Here is an update from email from anonymous:

"First of wanted to say thank you for all the advice, a Frankenstein of which I used last night, over the phone, results at the end of this long winded monologue.

To answer a couple of questions and assumptions first: the email chain over the weeks was simple pleasantries; work chit chat and random facts about each other with only one or two incredibly quick phone calls. In fact, this is one of the things that turned me off, the only conversations we had were about work, there was nothing deep there, and I don't think she was capable of discussing anything i loved discussing (not that I muse on Sartre and the fall of the Turkish Empire, but I do enjoy a good brain). So nothing more romantic than you would have with an eBay seller you got a long with. Because the first tryst was so drunken and sloppy, the first week after was a 'are you sane' type exploration. I knew that I wanted to sleep with her again sober as she is pretty hot, in great shape and up for it (fine, i'm a dick), but was at this point pretty certain about the longevity of the relationship but hadn't dated in a while, so perhaps my e-mails back were written for that result, but I certainly did not give her the impression that we were an item.

The second meeting was at a bar last Friday, about 8pm. We met after work at a bar very near her place. We drank for about an hour, idle chit chat about our work, then went back to her place for about 4 hours of pretty steamy sex; pardon the crassness here, but it wasn't exactly making love, and there wasn't too much cuddling afterwards. Though she did show me her family photos and hugged me constantly. She did protest over those weeks that she was a good girl and the previous encounter was not the norm, but it wasn't exactly a challenge to open her apartment door on night 2. again, sorry for being crass.

The two meetings we did have would most certainly not count as dates, as they were both in a bar, had very little courtship ritual, and were pretty much hidden from public view. That Saturday and Sunday we exchanged emails for a bit, and to be fair these were certainly a bit more couple'y, which was my mistake, but again nowhere near naming our future children or discussing life goals. Monday i made the decision to cut it off for the reasons given, and there you have it.

We both work pretty late, and as she had a week-long sales event this week i knew doing it over the phone, while she was at work, was a pretty shit move. I finally reached her last night about 8 and had the following exchange:

Me: So I had a lot of fun last Friday, but I don't think I want to pursue this further
Her: Umm, Okay?

Me: It's absolutely nothing you have done wrong
Her: This is a surprise, and not what I was expecting. i know you are trying to do the nice thing here but...

Me: If I said anything or my actions led you on, I'm really sorry, it wasn't my intention
Her: Yeah, you really need to be careful what you say to people, i mean i had my reservations too, it's not like i was falling in love with you

Me: I know, it's something I'm working on, and i'm really sorry if i led you on
Her: you know what, we're done here, bye

So yeah, she got a couple of digs in which either were honest, or just said to make me know that I'm not hurting her that much. Either way, I deserved a bit of anger for sleeping with her the second time when I knew really that it wasn't going to last (yes, again, i'm a dick). It was quick, pretty painless, my name isn't all over the internet scumbag forums this morning, and i imagine she called her close circle of friends, bought a pack of smokes and made fun of me for the evening. Nothing life altering.

I decided to go the pure honesty route over the 'ex' or white lie for a couple of reasons. I didn't want her to think i was choosing someone better than her. I hadn't had sex in several months, which she knew, and though we were safe i didn't want her freaked out by the thought of some other dirty girl being around. I also thought that the 'i don't want to pursue this' was fast, ambiguous, and made me enough of a cad immediately that she could throw out a couple of quick insults, hang up and move on.

So, again, thanks, it worked out (so far), and appreciate all the insight. "
posted by onlyconnect at 7:53 PM on November 7, 2007

Anonymous, it sounds like you tried to break it off in a classy manner, and she got pissy for no reason. At least you can be comfortable that you did it in a dignified way and tried to be nice.
posted by jayder at 8:56 PM on November 7, 2007

Anon, I'm glad it worked out.

I would look at why you feel the need to add "It wasn't exactly hard to open her door," however, and doubt the fact that she doesn't normally do this sort of thing, when your behavior here wasn't any different than hers, and you've been fairly insistent that you normally don't do this sort of thing, either. You describe yourself as a nice guy who didn't want to seem sleazy; I think it's good to assume that she was also a nice girl who didn't want to seem sleazy, either.

Don't project your discomfort with your own actions onto your partners in the future, and you'll probably find your way out of these situations pretty easily.
posted by occhiblu at 7:46 AM on November 8, 2007 [4 favorites]

Anonymous, it sounds like you tried to break it off in a classy manner, and she got pissy for no reason.

She was being rejected by someone who had basically just wanted sex from her while she was hoping for more, which is plenty of reason to be "pissy".

Anon, I think you made good use of the advice in this thread.
posted by orange swan at 11:42 AM on November 12, 2007