What do I do about my inappropriate boss?
May 25, 2010 6:53 AM Subscribe
How do I handle my first real job with a boss who is highly inappropriate and unprofessional?
I am in my early 20s. Around three weeks ago I was offered a job as an office manager for a small business. This was after nearly a year of seemingly endless job hunting, interviews, and rejection, so obviously I was quite thrilled with the opportunity. Most of my friends have yet to find a job, so I considered myself quite lucky. My boss, who is about 40 and runs the organization with a very small staff, told me he knew I was the perfect candidate because I interviewed so well. I was beaming with pride when I walked into work the first day.
Nearly as soon as I accepted the job, my boss began to act odd around me. He told a few regular customers that I was a "cute little thing," but I chalked it up to him just being friendly and trying to make me feel welcome. Soon after my hire, he told me that because of his divorce, his large home had a few empty bedrooms in it, and he suggested I move in, rent free. I declined this offer because I thought it would be inappropriate. A few days later he offered me a chance to take a job that would pay quite a bit more money, but it would require I travel with him four or five days a week, just the two of us. At the time, I had worked there just shy of a week, and I felt unsettled by it. How could he possibly think I was qualified for a job like that, when he had scarcely known me a week? I declined and said I had evening responsibilities at home that would interfere (which is true).
As of today, his assistant is on vacation, so it's just him and me in the office. I assumed we would be very busy and was prepared to do a marathon of work to make up for his assistant's absence. Instead, the day was pretty slow and he spent most of it telling me stories of drunken debauchery with his male friends. These stories involved strip clubs, heavy petting, S&M, and other topics which are usually excluded from office chit chat. I am by no means a prude, but I felt too uncomfortable to tell him to stop talking about it, so I just awkwardly laughed and continued to email, answer phones, and do my job. He told me to go with him to get lunch, so I did.
He spent the whole lunch making comments about me (and other women in the restaurant) being "hot." He asked me how many drinks it would take me to get into bed. He told me his ex-wife was a red-head and he has a "thing" for them (I have auburn colored hair). He even told me that the girl who previously held my position had sex with him.
I am really disturbed by everything that has happened today, and I have another two weeks to deal with it until his assistant gets back. How do I even begin to address this issue and get a level of respect and decency at my work place? At any corporation, this would be a HR nightmare, but since this is a small company, am I just supposed to grin and bear it? I really want to keep my job, at least until I line up a new one. The job itself is pretty easy and I think the experience would look good on a resume. And, other than my bosses lapses in maturity, I really don't think he's such a bad person. The company he runs is extremely efficient and successful, and built on honesty and good customer service. And when he wants to be professional, he seems to be able to turn it on like a light bulb. So how do I keep my job and my sanity while dealing with a blatantly inappropriate manager?
I am in my early 20s. Around three weeks ago I was offered a job as an office manager for a small business. This was after nearly a year of seemingly endless job hunting, interviews, and rejection, so obviously I was quite thrilled with the opportunity. Most of my friends have yet to find a job, so I considered myself quite lucky. My boss, who is about 40 and runs the organization with a very small staff, told me he knew I was the perfect candidate because I interviewed so well. I was beaming with pride when I walked into work the first day.
Nearly as soon as I accepted the job, my boss began to act odd around me. He told a few regular customers that I was a "cute little thing," but I chalked it up to him just being friendly and trying to make me feel welcome. Soon after my hire, he told me that because of his divorce, his large home had a few empty bedrooms in it, and he suggested I move in, rent free. I declined this offer because I thought it would be inappropriate. A few days later he offered me a chance to take a job that would pay quite a bit more money, but it would require I travel with him four or five days a week, just the two of us. At the time, I had worked there just shy of a week, and I felt unsettled by it. How could he possibly think I was qualified for a job like that, when he had scarcely known me a week? I declined and said I had evening responsibilities at home that would interfere (which is true).
As of today, his assistant is on vacation, so it's just him and me in the office. I assumed we would be very busy and was prepared to do a marathon of work to make up for his assistant's absence. Instead, the day was pretty slow and he spent most of it telling me stories of drunken debauchery with his male friends. These stories involved strip clubs, heavy petting, S&M, and other topics which are usually excluded from office chit chat. I am by no means a prude, but I felt too uncomfortable to tell him to stop talking about it, so I just awkwardly laughed and continued to email, answer phones, and do my job. He told me to go with him to get lunch, so I did.
He spent the whole lunch making comments about me (and other women in the restaurant) being "hot." He asked me how many drinks it would take me to get into bed. He told me his ex-wife was a red-head and he has a "thing" for them (I have auburn colored hair). He even told me that the girl who previously held my position had sex with him.
I am really disturbed by everything that has happened today, and I have another two weeks to deal with it until his assistant gets back. How do I even begin to address this issue and get a level of respect and decency at my work place? At any corporation, this would be a HR nightmare, but since this is a small company, am I just supposed to grin and bear it? I really want to keep my job, at least until I line up a new one. The job itself is pretty easy and I think the experience would look good on a resume. And, other than my bosses lapses in maturity, I really don't think he's such a bad person. The company he runs is extremely efficient and successful, and built on honesty and good customer service. And when he wants to be professional, he seems to be able to turn it on like a light bulb. So how do I keep my job and my sanity while dealing with a blatantly inappropriate manager?
Dude. You deal with this crap by finding another job. Sorry to say it but no way, no how, should you keep working for this creep.
posted by kaseijin at 7:00 AM on May 25, 2010
posted by kaseijin at 7:00 AM on May 25, 2010
You don't grin and bear sexual harassment. Quit today.
posted by jerseygirl at 7:01 AM on May 25, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by jerseygirl at 7:01 AM on May 25, 2010 [4 favorites]
Wow. I don't know how badly you need the job, but I would walk straight out of there and not look back if I could swing it financially.
posted by something something at 7:01 AM on May 25, 2010
posted by something something at 7:01 AM on May 25, 2010
I agree that you should get out of this as soon as possible. You might want to talk to an employment lawyer about going after a legal settlement as well. Start documenting everything.
posted by grouse at 7:06 AM on May 25, 2010 [12 favorites]
posted by grouse at 7:06 AM on May 25, 2010 [12 favorites]
How do I even begin to address this issue and get a level of respect and decency at my work place?
You don't. You leave. If I thought you could say anything meaningful or effective to this man, I would suggest it, but I seriously doubt anything would work.
Me personally? I'd carry around a digital recorder and record some of this shit....
posted by SoulOnIce at 7:07 AM on May 25, 2010 [3 favorites]
You don't. You leave. If I thought you could say anything meaningful or effective to this man, I would suggest it, but I seriously doubt anything would work.
Me personally? I'd carry around a digital recorder and record some of this shit....
posted by SoulOnIce at 7:07 AM on May 25, 2010 [3 favorites]
He asked me how many drinks it would take me to get into bed.
This is illegal. Document. Tell him to stop. Sexual harassment is no joke. I don't know what state you're in, but I don't think, if you documented what has transpired, that he could retaliate against you for leaving -- I.E. try to deny you unemployment. I'd talk to someone at your state employment agency, and see what they have to say, then I'd make immediate plans to get the hell out of there.
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:10 AM on May 25, 2010 [22 favorites]
This is illegal. Document. Tell him to stop. Sexual harassment is no joke. I don't know what state you're in, but I don't think, if you documented what has transpired, that he could retaliate against you for leaving -- I.E. try to deny you unemployment. I'd talk to someone at your state employment agency, and see what they have to say, then I'd make immediate plans to get the hell out of there.
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:10 AM on May 25, 2010 [22 favorites]
You shouldn't put up with abuse like that, but I don't think that you should just leave without doing anything. You should consult a lawyer and consider filing suit against him for harassment.
If you leave, you just give him the opportunity to harass someone else, perhaps someone more likely to give in to his pressure. If you sue, you have a chance to dissuade him from acting so poorly and criminally with his next employee.
posted by oddman at 7:13 AM on May 25, 2010
If you leave, you just give him the opportunity to harass someone else, perhaps someone more likely to give in to his pressure. If you sue, you have a chance to dissuade him from acting so poorly and criminally with his next employee.
posted by oddman at 7:13 AM on May 25, 2010
Please — don't quit right away. I know this is counter-intuitive, but you need to visit an employment agency and get their advice. If you just quit without ever addressing his bullshit in a legal manor, he'll keep doing this to future employees (as you said, he did it to the last one) and you'll be jobless and paycheckless. But if you speak to your state employment agency, file a formal complaint against him for sexual harassment and *then* quit, you might at least be able to get unemployment.
DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Start taking a pocket notebook to work and write down the date, time and context of everything he says to you. Do not stand for this bullshit.
posted by Brittanie at 7:15 AM on May 25, 2010 [23 favorites]
DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Start taking a pocket notebook to work and write down the date, time and context of everything he says to you. Do not stand for this bullshit.
posted by Brittanie at 7:15 AM on May 25, 2010 [23 favorites]
My boss... told me he knew I was the perfect candidate because I interviewed so well.
Not to diminish your interviewing skills, but you were the perfect candidate (for a predator) because you're:
a) young
b) new to the ways of the working world and applicable laws
c) probably trusting
d) worried about maintaining a job/building a resume/offending a boss
I'd guess this is his modus operandi on hiring office managers.
Most of us were fresh faced college grads at one point, so don't be hard on yourself either about quitting. Just be really careful, please. Is your office one where customers could be in and out at any moment? Don't get into any backroom with him alone. Keep your cell phone on you at all times.
posted by jerseygirl at 7:24 AM on May 25, 2010
Not to diminish your interviewing skills, but you were the perfect candidate (for a predator) because you're:
a) young
b) new to the ways of the working world and applicable laws
c) probably trusting
d) worried about maintaining a job/building a resume/offending a boss
I'd guess this is his modus operandi on hiring office managers.
Most of us were fresh faced college grads at one point, so don't be hard on yourself either about quitting. Just be really careful, please. Is your office one where customers could be in and out at any moment? Don't get into any backroom with him alone. Keep your cell phone on you at all times.
posted by jerseygirl at 7:24 AM on May 25, 2010
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I know it must be really upsetting to have to deal with this, especially when you were so excited to get and start the job.
I don't know what the employment laws are where you live, but I would quit immediately. Then you can follow up with whatever resources necessary to pursue sexual harassment charges, if you wish. But don't stick around to find out what this guy is going to do next.
I was you once, and I thought I'd try to "tough it out" - until the day my boss put his hand down the front of my skirt.
Please leave as soon as possible.
posted by ladybird at 7:26 AM on May 25, 2010
I don't know what the employment laws are where you live, but I would quit immediately. Then you can follow up with whatever resources necessary to pursue sexual harassment charges, if you wish. But don't stick around to find out what this guy is going to do next.
I was you once, and I thought I'd try to "tough it out" - until the day my boss put his hand down the front of my skirt.
Please leave as soon as possible.
posted by ladybird at 7:26 AM on May 25, 2010
I really don't think he's such a bad person.
He is sexually harrassing you. He is a bad person. You need to know that he knows that his comments to you are inappropriate. He started as a young professional in the 90s, not the 30s--he knows what is appropriate and what is inappropriate with regard to speaking to female employees. He is choosing to make inappropriate comments to someone over whom he has a great deal of power. He is a bad person. He wants to make himself feel good at your expense.
You don't need to find a way to keep your sanity--he's not just annoying, or socially awkward, or, I don't know, really into musical theater. He's sexually harrassing you. You need to find a way to get out of that job.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:39 AM on May 25, 2010 [19 favorites]
He is sexually harrassing you. He is a bad person. You need to know that he knows that his comments to you are inappropriate. He started as a young professional in the 90s, not the 30s--he knows what is appropriate and what is inappropriate with regard to speaking to female employees. He is choosing to make inappropriate comments to someone over whom he has a great deal of power. He is a bad person. He wants to make himself feel good at your expense.
You don't need to find a way to keep your sanity--he's not just annoying, or socially awkward, or, I don't know, really into musical theater. He's sexually harrassing you. You need to find a way to get out of that job.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:39 AM on May 25, 2010 [19 favorites]
Document everything. Ev-er-y-thing.
Also, for the love of all that is good and holy stop politely grinning and bearing it like a nice girl who doesn't make waves.
Calmly and icily refuse to participate in his game. Tell him to change the subject, refuse his offers by demurring that they're inappropriate. By not saying anything, he thinks that you're consenting to his treatment of you. Yes, this is fucked up. This is how sexual harassment works -- it's an abuse of power.
Put your nose to the grindstone and do your work. Don't engage in friendly chit-chat. He may fire you if you don't continue playing his game, so be prepared for that.
Look, this is a big deal, and waaaay beyond the pale. Good lord, he escalated from "cute" to "move into my house?!" That takes some serious balls. Dude thinks he's in a romance novel or movie. He can turn on a dime and be professional because he's a slick operator -- what makes you think he's not abusing his power elsewhere in the company? He's not a good guy.
You're a young professional who is now going to have to cut short a job (one way or the other) that looks great on your resume, potentially derailing your career (slightly.) This is what the EEOC is for -- protecting your rights as a worker.
posted by desuetude at 8:03 AM on May 25, 2010 [5 favorites]
Also, for the love of all that is good and holy stop politely grinning and bearing it like a nice girl who doesn't make waves.
Calmly and icily refuse to participate in his game. Tell him to change the subject, refuse his offers by demurring that they're inappropriate. By not saying anything, he thinks that you're consenting to his treatment of you. Yes, this is fucked up. This is how sexual harassment works -- it's an abuse of power.
Put your nose to the grindstone and do your work. Don't engage in friendly chit-chat. He may fire you if you don't continue playing his game, so be prepared for that.
Look, this is a big deal, and waaaay beyond the pale. Good lord, he escalated from "cute" to "move into my house?!" That takes some serious balls. Dude thinks he's in a romance novel or movie. He can turn on a dime and be professional because he's a slick operator -- what makes you think he's not abusing his power elsewhere in the company? He's not a good guy.
You're a young professional who is now going to have to cut short a job (one way or the other) that looks great on your resume, potentially derailing your career (slightly.) This is what the EEOC is for -- protecting your rights as a worker.
posted by desuetude at 8:03 AM on May 25, 2010 [5 favorites]
Another voice for the "run away" option.
Ultimately, not being employed is better than this. It may not look that way now, but that's what it is.
posted by Citrus at 8:07 AM on May 25, 2010
Ultimately, not being employed is better than this. It may not look that way now, but that's what it is.
posted by Citrus at 8:07 AM on May 25, 2010
Leave as soon as possible and in the meanwhile bring him down. Document everything and email / text it to your personal account(s). Use email for professional communication between him and see if he is stupid enough to write something inappropriate. And yes, be careful. Don't go anywhere private with this jerk. Don't just leave without lining up a case to exert your rights.
posted by jasondigitized at 8:18 AM on May 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by jasondigitized at 8:18 AM on May 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
This behavior is likely sexual harassment, and it's illegal under federal law. Document everything and then sue him and the company. Make sure H.R. or his superiors are aware of this behavior as soon as possible. Consult an employment lawyer, the EEOC or the state department of labor soon.
posted by gagglezoomer at 8:21 AM on May 25, 2010
posted by gagglezoomer at 8:21 AM on May 25, 2010
First things first, you *must* tell him, in no uncertain terms (no hinting, no smiling awkwardly), to stop. "What you are saying to me is inappropriate and unacceptable. Stop now." In any legal/HR situation, you will be asked if you made an effort to stop the harrassment (even if the effort was unsuccessful), and things will be much harder on you if you haven't. I understand that this is hard to do, and I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation.
Document the date that you asked him to stop, document the incidents of harrassment, and seek legal/employment advice.
posted by purlgurly at 8:36 AM on May 25, 2010 [4 favorites]
Document the date that you asked him to stop, document the incidents of harrassment, and seek legal/employment advice.
posted by purlgurly at 8:36 AM on May 25, 2010 [4 favorites]
Here's some information that might be of concrete help to you from the EEOC website:
FAQs
Do you handle sexual harrassment complaints? (Short answer: yes.)
"There is no cost for filing a charge."
"To obtain the direct number to your local EEOC office, please call us at (800) 669-4000." or List of Field Offices
Will the EEOC refer me to a private attorney?
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:38 AM on May 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
FAQs
Do you handle sexual harrassment complaints? (Short answer: yes.)
"There is no cost for filing a charge."
"To obtain the direct number to your local EEOC office, please call us at (800) 669-4000." or List of Field Offices
Will the EEOC refer me to a private attorney?
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:38 AM on May 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
purlgurly is right. You have to tell him to stop.
"Mr. Boss I really like working here, but stories like that make me really uncomfortable. Please stop talking to me about personal things like that. Now, about that report you wanted..."
Nthing that you should document everything and find somebody at the Labor Department to talk to.
posted by TooFewShoes at 8:46 AM on May 25, 2010
"Mr. Boss I really like working here, but stories like that make me really uncomfortable. Please stop talking to me about personal things like that. Now, about that report you wanted..."
Nthing that you should document everything and find somebody at the Labor Department to talk to.
posted by TooFewShoes at 8:46 AM on May 25, 2010
First things first, you *must* tell him, in no uncertain terms (no hinting, no smiling awkwardly), to stop. "What you are saying to me is inappropriate and unacceptable. Stop now." In any legal/HR situation, you will be asked if you made an effort to stop the harrassment (even if the effort was unsuccessful), and things will be much harder on you if you haven't. I understand that this is hard to do, and I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation.
Quoted for seriously, this is really important.
When I had to call out a boss on inappropriate language, I worked up to it a little. Luckily, he made multiple small inappropriate comments (rather than going whole-hog and inviting me on exclusive business trips so that we could be alone holy shit), giving me some opportunities to practice. First time got a WTF look and an "uhh, anyway..." Second time got a "Um. I think we should change the subject." That helped me work myself up to "y'know, that's inappropriate. Stop."
The other thing that helped me was to formulate a sort of trial in my head. I didn't really expect to literally have these conversations, but I could imagine a sort of Law & Order style dramatic courtroom scenario in which I was called upon to explain the situation and defend my own actions.
"Why had I waited so long," the slick, fake-friendly, dastardly opposing counsel asks, "to indicate your disapproval of Boss's comments?"
"I was giving him the benefit of the doubt at first, since he seems like a good business owner and as if he's respected. I could hardly believe he wasn't joking. I didn't put it all together, but then his behavior started escalating quickly."
"Isn't it possible that you enjoyed the attention from your relatively young boss?"
"No. It's really not."
Feel free to keep going with this dialogue, escalating the drama until your boss actually starts spouting crazy sexual offers at everyone and turns into a satyr right there in the courtroom and he's put down like a mad dog and whew! And then later, you're given a new, better, very appropriate job in the field of your choice.
posted by desuetude at 9:04 AM on May 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
Quoted for seriously, this is really important.
When I had to call out a boss on inappropriate language, I worked up to it a little. Luckily, he made multiple small inappropriate comments (rather than going whole-hog and inviting me on exclusive business trips so that we could be alone holy shit), giving me some opportunities to practice. First time got a WTF look and an "uhh, anyway..." Second time got a "Um. I think we should change the subject." That helped me work myself up to "y'know, that's inappropriate. Stop."
The other thing that helped me was to formulate a sort of trial in my head. I didn't really expect to literally have these conversations, but I could imagine a sort of Law & Order style dramatic courtroom scenario in which I was called upon to explain the situation and defend my own actions.
"Why had I waited so long," the slick, fake-friendly, dastardly opposing counsel asks, "to indicate your disapproval of Boss's comments?"
"I was giving him the benefit of the doubt at first, since he seems like a good business owner and as if he's respected. I could hardly believe he wasn't joking. I didn't put it all together, but then his behavior started escalating quickly."
"Isn't it possible that you enjoyed the attention from your relatively young boss?"
"No. It's really not."
Feel free to keep going with this dialogue, escalating the drama until your boss actually starts spouting crazy sexual offers at everyone and turns into a satyr right there in the courtroom and he's put down like a mad dog and whew! And then later, you're given a new, better, very appropriate job in the field of your choice.
posted by desuetude at 9:04 AM on May 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
Everyone's right about this being illegal sexual harassment. However, you asked about staying at the job, not quitting, so I'm going to answer that question. Nthing purlygurly, if you stay, you must be very very clear about rejecting his advances/ stories/ behavior. Setting boundaries, not going along to get along. You've been pretty good about this so far, you just need to do it more. Practice to get over any awkwardness, this guy will not take a hint, you need to be really really blunt. Maybe adopt a hard-ass persona (if you're not a hard-ass) -- "Dude, seriously, I do not want to hear this story." "That's really gross, stop, I've got to answer this letter." "Listen, I really like this company and this job, but what you are saying to me is totally inappropriate and unacceptable," followed up with flyers/posters from the EEOC about sexual harassment. Being really blunt, setting boundaries, may or may not work. But it's one of the few things that might work. Good luck. The "skills" (sigh) you acquire in checking this guy's conduct will help you survive your 20s.
[Side-step strategy -- another less-good-for-the-world-but-occasionally-effective-in-the-short-term survival strategy is to present as a very wholesome, almost chaste, young woman, who is made upset by an older man's rough talk, essentially to try to fit into the "daughter" or "niece" role in this jerk's world view. It doesn't sound as though that would work here, but something to note. I used that strategy to escape from a scary hitchhiking situation when I was about 20.]
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 9:11 AM on May 25, 2010
[Side-step strategy -- another less-good-for-the-world-but-occasionally-effective-in-the-short-term survival strategy is to present as a very wholesome, almost chaste, young woman, who is made upset by an older man's rough talk, essentially to try to fit into the "daughter" or "niece" role in this jerk's world view. It doesn't sound as though that would work here, but something to note. I used that strategy to escape from a scary hitchhiking situation when I was about 20.]
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 9:11 AM on May 25, 2010
If you do not feel that you can directly address his behavior-quit now. As much as I hate to advise it-don't give two weeks notice. He may feel that he has nothing to lose by coming on even stronger during your last two weeks.
You do not need to include a job held for such a short period of time on your resume. This will just appear as a continuation of your job search after graduation in a poor economy. The longer you wait and suffer through his behavior, the more likely you will be in a position down the road, in a future interview having to explain why you left your last job.
posted by JennyJupiter at 9:17 AM on May 25, 2010
You do not need to include a job held for such a short period of time on your resume. This will just appear as a continuation of your job search after graduation in a poor economy. The longer you wait and suffer through his behavior, the more likely you will be in a position down the road, in a future interview having to explain why you left your last job.
posted by JennyJupiter at 9:17 AM on May 25, 2010
If all of this has happened in three weeks, you'll only have to carry a recorder with you for a few days to get this guy's balls in a rhinestone-encrusted sling. If you won't (or can't) carry the recorder, do document everything. This guy should not be in a position of power over anybody. By the way, I'd just start leaving a recorder out on the table or in your hand whenever you talk to him. "I'm recording everything so I'm sure not to get anything wrong." Good-assistant-y stuff like that.
posted by rhizome at 9:44 AM on May 25, 2010
posted by rhizome at 9:44 AM on May 25, 2010
It's 100% harassment and I'm all for filing suit. But note, once you do, many companies do a background on you to see if you're a whistleblower/have suits. So be cautious.
You could look for another job, get another job, be hired, etc. then sue the shit out of this asshole after the fact. Get as much evidence as you can.
posted by stormpooper at 9:46 AM on May 25, 2010
You could look for another job, get another job, be hired, etc. then sue the shit out of this asshole after the fact. Get as much evidence as you can.
posted by stormpooper at 9:46 AM on May 25, 2010
I am so sorry you're going through this. You don't deserve it. Here's an article that helped me a lot with having the confidence to enforce boundaries. This guy is VIOLATING you. You don't need to tolerate it. If you walk away today, no one can blame you. If you have the strength to put up with it long enough to make a harassment case, you'll be a hero to your successors.
Protect yourself. Don't be alone with this guy anymore than you have to. Tell him you have to go home for lunch, every day.
posted by katybird at 10:05 AM on May 25, 2010
Protect yourself. Don't be alone with this guy anymore than you have to. Tell him you have to go home for lunch, every day.
posted by katybird at 10:05 AM on May 25, 2010
GROSS!!! one of my first jobs was like this. i thought he kept telling me how attractive he thought i was at the initial interview because it was a position in which looks can matter. turned out he was a creep and an inappropriate toucher. like you, i didn't have hr to turn to because the company was basically just him. i quit pretty quickly and left it off my resume. the sooner you get out, the better. i know the economy is bad right now, but this is beyond the pale of disgusting and inappropriate.
posted by raw sugar at 10:16 AM on May 25, 2010
posted by raw sugar at 10:16 AM on May 25, 2010
I felt too uncomfortable to tell him to stop talking about it, so I just awkwardly laughed and continued to email, answer phones, and do my job. He told me to go with him to get lunch, so I did.
I'm not blaming you, because you were socialized to do this, so was I, so were most young women minus a really kickass feminist mom, but....to an obtuse, harassing idiot like this, nervous laughter (or even a thin, strained, polite smile) = GREEN LIGHT SHE LIKES IT/ME. Totally unfair, I know, especially given you're also working with a serious power imbalance here (I've had to smile at unfunny--though not harassing--crap all the time from bosses).
Practice your bitchface and use it the next time he starts.
posted by availablelight at 10:37 AM on May 25, 2010 [4 favorites]
I'm not blaming you, because you were socialized to do this, so was I, so were most young women minus a really kickass feminist mom, but....to an obtuse, harassing idiot like this, nervous laughter (or even a thin, strained, polite smile) = GREEN LIGHT SHE LIKES IT/ME. Totally unfair, I know, especially given you're also working with a serious power imbalance here (I've had to smile at unfunny--though not harassing--crap all the time from bosses).
Practice your bitchface and use it the next time he starts.
posted by availablelight at 10:37 AM on May 25, 2010 [4 favorites]
He told a few regular customers that I was a "cute little thing," but I chalked it up to him just being friendly and trying to make me feel welcome. Soon after my hire, he told me that because of his divorce, his large home had a few empty bedrooms in it, and he suggested I move in, rent free.
Okay, so, let's be really, really specific about this.
I have quoted two of your sentences above. In the first sentence, you describe something that is already, by itself bad enough that, if the company were large enough, I'd recommend telling him to stop and contacting HR if he did not.
And in the second sentence, you describe something that is so incredibly inappropriate that if you were my daughter, I would be inclined to march down there and punch him in the face. Your boss -- your boss -- whom you barely know, and who is old enough to be your father, is asking you to live with him.
Quit. Honestly. Quit. Now. This cannot be a good thing, not even a little bit. I don't even have to read the rest of your question. Get out now. Walk away. You owe him nothing, not even notice. You never need to put this job on your resume, you never need to mention it in job interviews, and you will never need him as a reference. There is no permanent record he's going to put a complaint on. Call and leave a voicemail overnight, and say you're never coming back, and put this behind you.
posted by davejay at 11:08 AM on May 25, 2010
Okay, so, let's be really, really specific about this.
I have quoted two of your sentences above. In the first sentence, you describe something that is already, by itself bad enough that, if the company were large enough, I'd recommend telling him to stop and contacting HR if he did not.
And in the second sentence, you describe something that is so incredibly inappropriate that if you were my daughter, I would be inclined to march down there and punch him in the face. Your boss -- your boss -- whom you barely know, and who is old enough to be your father, is asking you to live with him.
Quit. Honestly. Quit. Now. This cannot be a good thing, not even a little bit. I don't even have to read the rest of your question. Get out now. Walk away. You owe him nothing, not even notice. You never need to put this job on your resume, you never need to mention it in job interviews, and you will never need him as a reference. There is no permanent record he's going to put a complaint on. Call and leave a voicemail overnight, and say you're never coming back, and put this behind you.
posted by davejay at 11:08 AM on May 25, 2010
Oh, and yes, report his behavior to the authorities, and remember: you're not quitting a job, you're walking away from a predator. Has there ever been a situation described in AskMe with a solution that was so obvious (to everyone but you, because of your inexperience)? Probably not, unless someone posted "I have taken two pieces of bread, spread peanut butter on one, and jelly on the other. If I put them together, jelly-touching-peanut butter, will I have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?"
posted by davejay at 11:10 AM on May 25, 2010
posted by davejay at 11:10 AM on May 25, 2010
He is sexually harrassing you. He is a bad person. You need to know that he knows that his comments to you are inappropriate. He started as a young professional in the 90s, not the 30s--he knows what is appropriate and what is inappropriate with regard to speaking to female employees. He is choosing to make inappropriate comments to someone over whom he has a great deal of power. He is a bad person. He wants to make himself feel good at your expense.
This. This. This. This. This. This.
posted by davejay at 11:11 AM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
This. This. This. This. This. This.
posted by davejay at 11:11 AM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Just to make the point even more: did you read the thread about the two Russian girls who were on their way to potentially becoming victims of human trafficking? And how everyone was going nuts trying to get them to stop, and they were ignoring the advice and assuming everything would be fine?
Yeah, don't be like them. Listen to the excellent advice you are getting in this thread.
posted by davejay at 11:14 AM on May 25, 2010
Yeah, don't be like them. Listen to the excellent advice you are getting in this thread.
posted by davejay at 11:14 AM on May 25, 2010
He is choosing to make inappropriate comments to someone over whom he has a great deal of power.
This! (Again.) He's not clueless- he's willfully abusive.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:25 AM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
This! (Again.) He's not clueless- he's willfully abusive.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:25 AM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
I agree that this situation will never get better and that you should be looking for another job on this company's dime. (If the boss can waste company hours telling you stories of his sexual prowess then you shouldn't feel guilty about submitting resumes to other companies on the job.) However, I'm wondering about the "document!" advice. What exactly does this mean? Write down the boss' comments? What proof in court (should it come to that) will she have that he actually said those things and that she just didn't make everything up? I'm saying this from the prospective of someone who was in a similar situation as a 16-year-old co-op student at my first job, in a large office in the late 1970s when executives thought nothing of patting your rear or making lewd comments. "What're you gonna do about it?" was the school of thought. Their lawyers were better than yours, they had more money than you, they'd just deny everything. So I'm thinking that rather than just writing Sleazy Boss' comments down, Anonymous should invest in a digital recorder and keep it inconspicuously on her desk and hit "record" when Boss stops by to chat about how he loves to be tied up and beaten. I don't know about the specific legalities of such a measure, but it seems to be that it would be more damning than just handwritten notes.
posted by Oriole Adams at 11:33 AM on May 25, 2010
posted by Oriole Adams at 11:33 AM on May 25, 2010
Everyone is giving you very good advice. I want to give you the same advice, but I'm going to word it differently so that there is absolutely no mistake about what everyone is saying:
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT. EVER.
It is not normal, nor acceptable. You have every reason and every right to be absolutely furious with him. And if you don't put a stop to it immediately, he's liable to take a grab at you, and probably fairly soon. And he may not take no for an answer. (Because he figures no one would believe your claims that a respectable businessman would do anything like that.)
DTMFA. Personally, I would just pick up my purse right this minute, and walk out and never look back. You don't even have to ever put this job on your resume.
posted by MexicanYenta at 11:36 AM on May 25, 2010
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT. EVER.
It is not normal, nor acceptable. You have every reason and every right to be absolutely furious with him. And if you don't put a stop to it immediately, he's liable to take a grab at you, and probably fairly soon. And he may not take no for an answer. (Because he figures no one would believe your claims that a respectable businessman would do anything like that.)
DTMFA. Personally, I would just pick up my purse right this minute, and walk out and never look back. You don't even have to ever put this job on your resume.
posted by MexicanYenta at 11:36 AM on May 25, 2010
However, I'm wondering about the "document!" advice. What exactly does this mean? Write down the boss' comments? What proof in court (should it come to that) will she have that he actually said those things and that she just didn't make everything up?
Yep, she should write everything down. What Boss said, as much of the conversation/context as possible, what time and date it happened, as best as she can, approximating as needed.
It helps anonymous keep her story calm, clear, and consistent when she's talking to the EEOC about her sexual harassment complaint.
And sure, it's her word against his, but he won't have a carefully documented list of rebuttals. And it may not be just her word against his -- other people may have heard some of these remarks. (Likely, actually. He sound pretty brazen.)
Plus, he's undoubtedly done this before. If it comes to a case against him, having multiple unacquainted women independently report the same sort of comments and the same pattern starts to tip the balance against "his words against hers."
Sexual harassment protection has changed a lot since the 70s and 80s. Heck, the term "sexual harassment" wasn't coined until the 70s! I remember when "hostile workplace" became recognized by the EEOC when I was a teenager and ohhhh, the grumbling and gnashing of teeth from the fathers. I remember even my dad noting that if a mechanic wasn't allowed to hang up a nudie calendar, well, what's the harm of that anyway and how unfair and hardworking guys and blah blah blah.
posted by desuetude at 12:16 PM on May 25, 2010
Yep, she should write everything down. What Boss said, as much of the conversation/context as possible, what time and date it happened, as best as she can, approximating as needed.
It helps anonymous keep her story calm, clear, and consistent when she's talking to the EEOC about her sexual harassment complaint.
And sure, it's her word against his, but he won't have a carefully documented list of rebuttals. And it may not be just her word against his -- other people may have heard some of these remarks. (Likely, actually. He sound pretty brazen.)
Plus, he's undoubtedly done this before. If it comes to a case against him, having multiple unacquainted women independently report the same sort of comments and the same pattern starts to tip the balance against "his words against hers."
Sexual harassment protection has changed a lot since the 70s and 80s. Heck, the term "sexual harassment" wasn't coined until the 70s! I remember when "hostile workplace" became recognized by the EEOC when I was a teenager and ohhhh, the grumbling and gnashing of teeth from the fathers. I remember even my dad noting that if a mechanic wasn't allowed to hang up a nudie calendar, well, what's the harm of that anyway and how unfair and hardworking guys and blah blah blah.
posted by desuetude at 12:16 PM on May 25, 2010
Are you really hoping to use this guy as a reference? If you put up with his shit for a couple years, and then leave for a better job, do you really think he'll take it well? If he corners you and you turn him down, what do you think he'll do? The only guy I know who acts like this is incredibly bad at taking "no" for an answer. I'm talking full on public tantrums. And yep, he's a small business owner who can turn on the "professional and honest" act when he needs to. Cut your losses now before it gets any worse. Document what you can, in case he comes after you. I'm so sorry this job turned out to be this way.
posted by millions of peaches at 12:43 PM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by millions of peaches at 12:43 PM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
A small reality check here to the rosy vision of a successful lawsuit against this guy: many antidiscrimination laws only apply to employers with a minimum number of employees.
posted by palliser at 1:01 PM on May 25, 2010
posted by palliser at 1:01 PM on May 25, 2010
Here you go, from the EEOC: "Sexual harassment is a form of sex discrimination that violates Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964."
posted by palliser at 1:30 PM on May 25, 2010
posted by palliser at 1:30 PM on May 25, 2010
If you're too nervous to ask him to stop the comments what will you do when he escalates? What will you do if he grabs your ass? Mumble something like "stop that"? What if he grabs your tit? You're going to have to stand your ground somewhere or else accept the likelihood of getting raped. The way you're acting is exactly why this situation is sometimes called being taken advantage of. This is how a lot of women get raped. Some guy comes on to them hard and they play along so as to not make a fuss.
Can you find out about the girl you replaced? He could be lying about sleeping with her. He may have even raped her and been bragging about it to you.
Take the good advice offered in this thread. First ask him to stop the comments. If that doesn't work, quit. The sexual harassment stuff might be more of an emotional commitment than you can make but you should at least think about it. You can gain a lot of self confidence from turning the tables on a bully.
posted by irisclara at 2:17 PM on May 25, 2010
Can you find out about the girl you replaced? He could be lying about sleeping with her. He may have even raped her and been bragging about it to you.
Take the good advice offered in this thread. First ask him to stop the comments. If that doesn't work, quit. The sexual harassment stuff might be more of an emotional commitment than you can make but you should at least think about it. You can gain a lot of self confidence from turning the tables on a bully.
posted by irisclara at 2:17 PM on May 25, 2010
What everyone has said, times 10. This is shockingly inappropriate and should be addressed immediately. Please let us know what happens. I'm concerned.
posted by agregoli at 4:15 PM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by agregoli at 4:15 PM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
lawyer lawyer lawyer lawyer lawyer. for real. this is SOOO illegal it's not even funny. If you need the money, stay until you can safely quit, but I would try to get out.
posted by ishotjr at 5:27 PM on May 25, 2010
posted by ishotjr at 5:27 PM on May 25, 2010
He's banking on you not leaving or leaving but not bringing legal action against him. You need to do both.
We're all with you, hon.
posted by FlyByDay at 5:48 PM on May 25, 2010
We're all with you, hon.
posted by FlyByDay at 5:48 PM on May 25, 2010
I am also angry at him on your behalf and worried for you. He's counting on your youth making you vulnerable. Yes, he's a predator. My advice: write down everything he has said to you and send it to your state's attorney general, and don't return to that office. You seem like you probably think the best of others, an often wonderful quality, but in this case it's making you not even able to believe that this guy is a beast and, as I read it, a potential rapist. He did this in a very calculated way from the time he picked you. No job is worth sexual harassment, no matter how long you've been out of work. You are never just "supposed to grin and bear it," no matter how small the company is.
posted by xenophile at 6:22 PM on May 25, 2010
posted by xenophile at 6:22 PM on May 25, 2010
Something to keep in the forefront of your mind if you decide to go the 'continue working there (and possibly documenting him)' route - consider how fast his escalation was. From objectifying comment to attempting to get you alone and out of your own home/comfort zone in a week.
That is a really alarming red flag. It means he feels safe doing this to you, for one reason or another. If you do decide to go back there, make plans to keep yourself as safe as possible. He may still feel safe and continue escalating.
posted by pseudonymph at 5:30 AM on May 29, 2010
That is a really alarming red flag. It means he feels safe doing this to you, for one reason or another. If you do decide to go back there, make plans to keep yourself as safe as possible. He may still feel safe and continue escalating.
posted by pseudonymph at 5:30 AM on May 29, 2010
Call the EEOC ASAP. If you're not satisfied with the response persevere until someone takes you seriously. Beware of local attorneys. The one I saw initially told me I had a great case to get all the information I had then took it back to my employer for his own personal gain. The EEOC is your best bet. What your boss is doing is wrong in every way and it's very sad that you must deal with it on your first job.
posted by Pamelayne at 1:59 PM on May 30, 2010
posted by Pamelayne at 1:59 PM on May 30, 2010
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If you stay, it's only going to get worst, much much worst.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:00 AM on May 25, 2010 [11 favorites]