Help me look and act my age.

May 9, 2008 10:33 AM

Help me look older, act older, and get others to perceive me as the mature, authoritative adult that I am!

I am 28. I work in a high-school. I am constantly, frequently mistaken for a high school student by teachers, administrators and other adults. I dress up (nice, ironed black dress pants with a demure sweater, nice shoes and jewelry) and wear a name badge. I don't usually wear makeup and I often wear a simple ponytail, which may be subtracting years from my image. I speak and write maturely, without slang or emoticons or anything like that.
I'm also somewhat shy and reserved, which I think has contributed to being overlooked by my colleagues. I sometimes find myself in a situation where a colleague is explaining something to me that I actually know quite well, and I never muster up the courage to mention my extensive experience or knowledge in that area beacuse I don't want to insult them. Beyond being taken for a teenager, I'm finding that people seem to not remember me at all-- after several introductions and conversations I still get blank looks of non-recognition when I say hello to folks in the hall.
What can I do? Are there any books that address this kind of thing? I have experimented with hairstyles and make-up with mixed results (and I have curly hair which is hard to wear down). How can I cultivate an image of a good, confident, mature professional woman?

posted by bonheur to Human Relations (26 answers total)

The clothes mean nothing more than first impression. Dress like what makes you comfortable.
What you need is to become more... confident.
Be more assertive and speak up. People will remember you more!
Who cares if you look like a teenager, that could be a good thing.
As long as you act more confident and assertive, it won't matter.
posted by PowerCat at 10:42 AM on May 9, 2008

This will seem backward, but the people who strike me as most grownup are the ones who are confident enough to play. The real grownups I know and work with joke around a lot and don't take themselves too seriously.

Of course, small children play, but when kids start going through adolescence, they tend to violently reject play. They desperately want to be perceived as mature, and they think play will make them seem childish. When I see an adult who is still in this mode, I immediately peg him as immature.

Many teens go through a stage where they start playing again, but that play becomes flirty. There's absolutely nothing wrong with flirting, but it's a "high schoolish" type of play. It doesn't say "grown up." So that's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about open, non-threatening, non-edgy (non look-how-cool I am or look-how-sexy I am) play. If you engage with others this way, they'll remember you.

Oh, and NOTHING says "child" to me more than DRAMA. If you come into the workplace, and all your talk is about so-and-so is having an affair with so-and-so... you won't seem like a grownup to me.
posted by grumblebee at 10:50 AM on May 9, 2008 [7 favorites]

Start off by saying hi first, shaking hands, smiling, and saying, "Hi, I'm Bonheur, we ran into each other the other day." If you tend to be shy like me, it's hard at first, but it gets easier the more you do it. The physical act of touching someone makes you more memorable (the handshake). Please, make sure your handshake firm.

Wear something distinctive. People might begin remembering you if they notice something like, "Oh, it's that girl with the pretty headbands / unique eyeglasses / nice perfume."

You're not insulting someone by participating in an educated conversation. You'll earn more respect if you can actually respond back to a comment. Try something like, "I know, when I was at XXXX, I did something similar. I did XXXX and XXX and thought it was XXXXX."

I was you 26 years ago.
posted by HeyAllie at 10:51 AM on May 9, 2008

I look young for my age too. I'm sure you get a lot of "must be nice!" and "don't change your appearance because of other people's judgment." I tell you this: No ponytail. Wear makeup. Consider wearing suits.

You can be quiet and authoritative. Turn your shyness into an asset -- pick your battles, and rehearse what you're going to say in your head before you talk. In fact, one technique for commanding authority is to speak calmly and quietly. (There is a difference between quietly and softly, though, you know? I find that I use a slightly deeper "Meeting Voice" when I have to be Professional Career Woman.)

Also, you need to do a little networking within your own school. Get to know the other teachers better so that more of your coworkers are aware that you're not a student. Make your professional interests and experience more well-known. Once you establish some authority and people know you, you can relax a little bit -- by then the authority should be enough of a habit.
posted by desuetude at 10:52 AM on May 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

Hate to disagree with PowerCat but clothes DO matter. I've been mistaken for much younger than my age all my life and it sucks to always be underestimated and dismissed. I do find that when I'm dressed more professionally, I'm taken more seriously, though at age 40, i think I'm finally looking a respectable age. I'd try wearing a jacket and see if that helps, it usually does for me. It's annoying that these sorts of superficial things make a difference but they really do. And yeah, the ponytail probably isn't helping; maybe try going to a stylist and seeing if they have ideas.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 10:56 AM on May 9, 2008

This might sound kind of goofy, but consider an image consultant. My previously stay-at-home mom saw one when when re-entering the corporate world and the meeting helped her to update her look in a way that felt comfortable and natural for her. She was switching from "mom" mode to "corporate manager" mode, but I'm sure a consultant could help you switch from your current look to a more mature, professional look.

Also, make-up and a hair cut can make a huge difference. An image consultant or stylist can help you choose the right ones if you're hesitant to experiment, but when I think of my friends who look young for their ages, it's the ones who don't wear make-up and stick with a ponytail every day who get mistaken for kids. Age-appropriate, professional hair and make-up styles will give the right visual cues to match your adult personality.
posted by Meg_Murry at 11:04 AM on May 9, 2008

Get a blazer and a really good haircut (so you can wear it down easily). I also look younger than my job title, and I find that when I wear a blazer, I have better posture and I feel more authoritative, which probably comes across to other people.
posted by rmless at 11:05 AM on May 9, 2008

Lose the ponytail. Seriously. No joke. Nothing says "young" like a ponytail on a youngish-looking person. I have nothing against ponytails. I'm all for them. But if you look young, wearing a ponytail in this sort of environment is extremely counterproductive.

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but my guess is that losing the ponytail and a little bit of conservative adult-looking makeup would make a huge difference.
posted by Justinian at 11:10 AM on May 9, 2008

A blazer can help a lot, rather than sweaters--or over sweaters if you want. I usually keep a blazer at my desk and just throw it over whatever I'm wearing before a meeting. Also, I agree that the ponytail is probably not helping. A bun looks older, if you want something simple. Wear earrings if you have pierced ears and other simple jewelry if you feel like it. Jewelry choices can say a lot about your age (e.g. pearls or a simple chain rather than something colorful). You don't have to plaster on makeup, but lipstick will make you look older too. What kind of shoes are you wearing? Flats or low heels definitely say professional lady more than loafers or sneakers. I think all of these little image things really do help make you look older.

Or... you could totally change your personality into an extrovert! But unless you have a personal reason for not wanted to change your look, that could be an easy solution.
posted by tk at 11:11 AM on May 9, 2008

I, too, think you lack confidence in yourself. Speak up! Stand tall! Look people in the eye! Actively participate in conversations! You are shy, and this will be difficult at first, but take it one step at a time. Start by giving yourself a goal for this next week: I WILL add what I think to a conversation in the teacher's lounge. The week after, try it twice. Then maybe try to start a conversation yourself with a colleague, etc. This will help address your anxiety a bit.

And also, I'd say yeah, lose the pone. If you have really curly hair (as I do), spend good money on the first cut, and then you can go to a regularly-priced joint for subsequent cuts. Try a Marilyn Monroe haircut: stacked in back and thinned out a bit with a longer front that you can then pin up or just let be. A good haircut is pricey, but worth it. And since I was blessed / cursed with a round, baby face, I used to suffer the same misconceptions about my age. Of course, time unprotected in the sun helped, so now I've lost lots of that youthful look with the added bonus of a wrinkly face in about 10 years, but oh well. :)

Good luck!
posted by cachondeo45 at 11:17 AM on May 9, 2008

I'm almost 37 years old and I still get mistaken for a student at my university. I even get carded when I buy booze at the grocery store.

My advice is to cut your hair short. Really short. As short as you can stand it.

A friend and I compared notes on this one. Both of us found that people treated us more respectfully when we cut our hair short.

Make up didn't really help. Granted, I had a fairly subdued palatte, with fairly sheer coverage and neutral colours. I still wear it because I think I look better and feel better about myself. I think the quantity that you would have to wear to increase your apparent age might make you uncomfortable, but you can work up to it.

Suits didn't help. I wore them and people didn't have good impressions of me. They thought I was aloof and arrogant. This might be your case as well, because you're shy.
posted by mausburger at 11:29 AM on May 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

One thing that screams professional to me is clothes that fit well. Make sure your pants are the right length, and see a tailor if necessary (wear the shoes you plan to wear with the pants and consider having pants you wear with heels and pants you wear with flats). Have your shirts altered too if they don't seem to fit perfectly.

If you're not the makeup type try just using eye shadow/liner, or just lipstick. If it's not too daunting, ask someone at the makeup counter to do your makeup for you (they still do this, right?). The person at the counter should be able to pick colors that work well with your skin tone. If you like something, grab it. Don't buy makeup you feel iffy about, because you will never use it. Don't buy anything that's complicated to apply, because you will try to put it on the morning after and you'll never want to use it again.

If you like having long hair and you don't want to cut it, try a simple updo rather than the ponytail. Think "sexy librarian," not "schoolmarm" or "I just got out of gym class."

And then there's always pants with an elastic waist pulled up to your armpits and a pair of Keds.
posted by giraffe at 11:31 AM on May 9, 2008

It's all how you carry yourself. Good posture, and look people in the eye. Clothes, hair, that stuff comes second.
posted by saxamo at 12:12 PM on May 9, 2008

I'm nthing the haircut suggestion. I, too, am 28 and constantly mistaken for a teenager. I just got a new, very structured haircut last month and I already feel like I'm getting fewer comments about how young I look.

Other than that, I think the best solution is networking. Get a group of people who believe in you and your abilities, and you'll be able to succeed even though you look young.
posted by shesbookish at 12:16 PM on May 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

How can I cultivate an image of a good, confident, mature professional woman?

Maybe don't worry so much about being "good."

This, plus your not telling people about your capabilities so as not to insult them, suggest that you may be running some tired old tapes about what "good women" do and don't do -- such as ever disagree with anyone, express their opinions, attract attention, etc.

You and a counselor might take a look at some of the stories you're telling yourself to enable you to disappear so completely into the wallpaper.

Look at it as a talent you've developed, a special gift, not just as a deficiency or problem. How do you benefit from choosing to be invisible -- or how did an earlier you? Where did you learn this skill -- and is it still serving your needs?
posted by ottereroticist at 12:56 PM on May 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

Wear heels. Nothing ridiculous, of course, but just something tall enough to create that walk and posture of confidence.
posted by slowfasthazel at 1:25 PM on May 9, 2008

Nthing the haircut, or if you're unwilling, putting it up in a bun. Tailored skirt + hose + heels. Practice being assertive in front of a mirror or with a close friend. HeyAllie's verbage is good. ottereroticist's advice is spot on.

I don't look like a teenager, but I sound much younger than I am, and the right tone of voice goes a long, long way towards respect.
posted by desjardins at 1:41 PM on May 9, 2008

I used to have long hair. When I was in my late 20s, I had it cut short (earlobe length). About 75% of the rude comments I used to get from men stopped. What that suggests to me: On me, at least, long hair says "Easy target! Doormat!" while short hair says "Not someone to mess with." I'm not sure if that translates to the workplace. (We're talking seriously rude comments involving four-letter words. Not flirting.)
posted by PatoPata at 2:22 PM on May 9, 2008

#1: Hair: go to a good stylist and talk to them about your goal (looking your age). People I know with curly hair have often looked older by cutting their hair shortish and using styling product to keep it ruly. I agree that the ponytail is not a good work look for most women.

Eye contact: head up as you walk down the hall, master of all you survey.

Eyeglasses: if you wear contacts, consider getting glasses with professional looking frames. It can make a huge difference, esp if you don't wear makeup. Also if you get very distinctive frames (eg colored plastic) that can help people remember you. (Eyeliner is the one kind of makeup you might consider, if you have to pick just one. Learn to put it on right and it is almost imperceptible but makes your eyes stand out a lot.)

Clothes: Try tailored button-up shirts rather than sweaters, or short jacket/blazer with a bit of structure to it. Sweaters may be too soft/drapey to give you a formal look.

Facial expression: Don't worry that you will be insulting colleagues. Practice listening *without smiling*, without dropping your gaze deferentially, without doing "femmy" facial expressions. Women do a lot of "caretaking" in relationships and we're socialized to be very aware of whether other people know we are listening, sympathetic, etc. But in the work world, those also come off as submissive, subordinate, inexperienced, young behaviors. If you remove these behaviors, you automatically seem more aloof and professional. Watch the body language of the most femmy people you know -- see what they're doing with their hands (arms crossed defensively? lots of touching the face or hair? etc), their face (eyes crinkled? slight smile? concerned eyebrows? head tilt?), and so on.

Get shoes that make a noise. Doesn't have to be high heels, but should make that clop-clop noise as you walk authoritatively down the hall.
posted by LobsterMitten at 2:29 PM on May 9, 2008

I'm with desuetude. I started teaching at 23 at an intermediate school in a rural area where many of my colleagues were much older. In my first year of teaching, I was mistaken for a student frequently; a colleague even shouted at me to "get back in line" once when I was supervising my (fifth grade!) class. It was very frustrating.

I am now 28, and without makeup, with my hair up, I am still occasionally mistaken for a high school student.

Not at work, though. When I go to work now, I wear tailored clothes that are usually a step up from sweater-set business casual. I usually wear pressed trousers with (low) heels, an oxford shirt, often a blazer or suit-style jacket, occasionally a skirt or dress, but always something tailored, with a clean, professional cut. I had to invest in a slightly higher-end wardrobe and a good stylist, but it really helps to give me a little gravitas. (Anne Taylor Loft is where I shop most often for work clothes.) You'll find that your students (and their parents) will respond to a more adult, professional look as much as your colleagues do.

As to the make-up issue: I still only occasionally wear very subtle, neutral makeup, and most days I just go with tinted moisturizer and mascara. I think one can get away with less makeup in most school environments and still look professional; but you do have to put a little extra effort into a more professional wardrobe. I agree with everyone upthread about the hair: lose the ponytail and get a good stylist to give you a professional-looking, low-maintenence cut.
posted by Spinneret at 2:52 PM on May 9, 2008

Women do a lot of "caretaking" in relationships and we're socialized to be very aware of whether other people know we are listening, sympathetic, etc. But in the work world, those also come off as submissive, subordinate, inexperienced, young behaviors.

Very well-put, but I'd say it's not just being socialized to be caretakers, it's being socialized to have great fear of being disliked.
posted by Flipping_Hades_Terwilliger at 2:55 PM on May 9, 2008

Response by poster: I bought a lipstick today. I scheduled an appointment at an expensive salon to get a more professional haircut. I am browsing Ann Taylor Loft and Banana Republic, planning to invest some money in more tailored pieces for work. I'm observing what other professional (yet still hip) ladies are wearing and taking notes.

I also appreciate the advice about speaking up, projecting confidence, making eye contact, etc. Those are all things I need to work on little by little.
posted by bonheur at 6:28 PM on May 9, 2008

I hope this isn't offensive, but when my sister was trying to be taken more seriously as a professional, she read Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office: 101 Unconscious Mistakes Women Make That Sabotage Their Careers. I'm pretty sure some of the stuff in that book applied to her, and she definitely has experienced a lot of success at work in the past few years, basically moving from secretary position she got stuck in as an intern, to a supervisor on a trading floor. That's not to say it was all because of the book, or anything, but I think it did help her.
posted by !Jim at 11:57 PM on May 9, 2008

Make sure when you speak that your statements sound like statements and not questions.
posted by Jacqueline at 3:20 AM on May 10, 2008

I remember reading an article a few years ago (my google-fu is teh suck today - I can only find unrelated articles using "women's voice" figuratively) about how most women speak with a higher pitch than their vocal cords are designed for. It's doesn't cause physiological problems or anything, but women are (un)consciously raising the pitch of their voices to sound... what, more feminine? More compliant? I don't know, but I catch myself doing it when I'm asking a favor of someone.

Pay attention to your voice and make an effort to lower the pitch (not the volume) to what truly feels natural. I've worked for years in a male-dominated field within a male-dominated field; I'm the webmaster for a motorcycle shop. I really do think a lower-pitched speaking voice commands more respect, especially from men.
posted by workerant at 7:31 AM on May 10, 2008

Im firmly against changing ones appearance to "fit in". Which is probably why I suffer some of same problems you do but then I take the position ppl who judge me by appearance alone and not by what's inside are unworthy of my respect and are putting themselves on a lower footing. Having worked with a lot of the same people for years. there's some I know pretty well and have good rapport with and others are pretty much strangers.
What it really comes down to is there's some people I'll open to and others I wont otherwise known as some people put me at ease and some dont.

I rather suspect your problem is derived from "shy and reserved". That you look younger and dress as you do wont help but its how you are with people that makes the difference.

People either remember people by their stunning looks or by the things they say. If you arent the former then you're reliant on the latter. If you don't talk about stuff then people dont have anything to remember you by or anything to start a conversation with you about. forget about maybe insulting them. thats the shy and reserved side worrying about stuff.
If you really want to be remembered disagree with people. That really sticks in the mind. Although thats really standing up for what you believe in. Which in other words is confidence.

I dont disagree with changing your appearance, as if it makes you feel more confident that will have a knock on effect to the shy and reserved, which I think is really the crux. It's not a required step if you skip straight to understanding how people interact.

That book mentioned above "Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office"
I found this article about the content:
http://www.womensmedia.com/new/Frankel-Nice-Girls-Corner-Office.shtml

all the tips given in that article are about interacting with other people and not about a person's appearance. Despite my unconventional appearance I get a lot of respect from management for being an authority on things. they'll even ask me before asking my boss.

If you want to be remembered talk about yourself or things you know about.
posted by browolf at 5:29 AM on May 11, 2008