How do I feel more confident among more accomplished people?

October 23, 2009 3:36 PM

How do I keep myself from feeling inadequate in certain professional settings?

I am currently an intern at a very reputable organization. I have a Bachelor's and almost completed a general (not Finance major, but quite a bit) MBA. I'll be moving to Canada soon, where I plan on doing the CSC and CPH for starters and then start the CFA. I have a lot of plans. I'm 26, and I do not have a lot of working experience, made worse by the fact that I changed fields.


Quite often I attend seminars/forums as a part of my job, which deals a lot with the private sector. These things are usually pretty expensive to attend, and are attended by many high ranking Government and finance professionals.

Today, I attended another one, and left feeling pretty small and intimidated by everyone else. I felt very inexperienced, and nowhere near as qualified as everyone else, and like I shouldn't be there. It made me feel pretty inadequate, unaccomplished, and like I was a high school student sneaking into a grad school class (not because I didn't understand anything, but just that I shouldn't be with the grown-ups). Usually the other attendees are older than I am, 10 years and up.

Usually I am pretty confident, ambitious, and none of these people have ever been mean to me. I work very hard, and know that 10 years from now I'll be doing very well professionally.

Do any of you have any advice on how I can overcome this?

posted by anonymous to human relations (14 comments total)

Just cowboy/cowgirl up. We all feel this, the so-called "impostor syndrome." I can't tell you how many times I've sat in on presentations by friends of mine (smart folks, to be sure) and been blown away by how much smarter they were than I, and how tenuous my knowledge was of our shared field. Then I would congratulate them afterwards on a great talk, and they admitted that they had no idea what they were talking about, and that the entire presentation was culled from secondary sources. (Don't worry, these are just internal "what's happening now" presentations--no pride of ownership / plagiarism etc.). I was just talking with a friend today who gave a presentation about a cutting-edge issue in our field who admitted that, while he knew personally everything that he presented from a transaction he had worked on, he literally knew nothing--NOTHING--else about the topic. But he got great praise for being an expert on the issue.

Relax--you're still making your way in your field. Drop me a line in ten years and tell me how much you know.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 3:45 PM on October 23 [9 favorites]

I have the same problem. The advice that I've been given is "Fake it till you make it". These feelings of inadequacy are totally useless and can be ignored until they go away.

I'm still working on the "it goes away" part, but that's what I've been told. Repeating it to myself whenever the feelings arise does tend to make me a little more comfortable.
posted by amethysts at 3:51 PM on October 23

Agreed with fake it until you make it.

However. You say you want to work in finance. Or at least I assume you do because of your desire to pursue the CFA. Finance has a lot of very smart people working in it. (Insert joke here about the current market meltdown.)

don't try to come off like you know more than you do because people will see right throught it. If possible start reading finance blogs and, when you meet people in a professional setting and mention their expertise about topic X, you can say something like "well I read about Y in blog Z, and it occurs to me that..."

This shows that you are actively learning about finance, are curious, and acknowledge that others likely know more than you.

I mention finance blogs because most newspaper reporting of finance matters is woefully unsophisticated. I do not, however, mean personal finance blogs, though occasionally these are quite good.

I would start reading Naked Capitalism and Felix Salmon for starters.

I would also start reading about the problems with modern portfolio theory, as the CFA program still clings to it.
posted by dfriedman at 4:03 PM on October 23

Yep, this is pretty common. Here's how I've started to deal with it:

1. I remind myself that this feeling, if treated right, can actually be helpful. It's good to have something to strive for.

2. Another thing I remind myself constantly: you can only see how these people look to the outside world - you have no idea if their marriage is a mess, or their assistant actually does all of their work for them, or whatever. But you are intimately familiar with your own failures and shortcomings. If you're constantly comparing the whole picture you have of yourself with the partial, carefully-selected picture you have of other people, you will always come up short.

3. Success is inherently subjective, and so as you get into higher and higher echelons, your standard for success gets higher and higher as well. Just keep reminding yourself of this fact.

4. Finally, don't sell your own successes or skills short. I bet there are a lot of things you've done or are working on that other people would be impressed by. Play those up.
posted by lunasol at 4:11 PM on October 23 [1 favorite]

I felt very inexperienced, and nowhere near as qualified as everyone else, and like I shouldn't be there. It made me feel pretty inadequate, unaccomplished ...

My advice is to approach these events with a checklist of tasks to accomplish during them. "I will introduce myself to X number of people at this cocktail party"; "I will make a point to talk to three different attendees during the lunch break"; "I will find the most intimidating-looking person at the evening reception and introduce myself to them."

Treat it as a game with certain small goals you have to achieve.

What you will find, I suspect, is that the reality is far less intimidating than you perceive as an outsider. By forcing yourself to boldly introduce yourself and talk with these people, you will get a glimpse of who these people really are, and in the process, you will become a little more of an insider yourself.

I am a lawyer. Occasionally, I've had the same feelings you've had -- of inadequacy, not measuring up, not knowing enough -- when I'm around a big crowd of more experienced lawyers.

However, about six months ago I joined a members-only listserv for lawyers in a certain area of practice, a listserv where some very experienced lawyers come to bounce ideas off of each other. What this listserv taught me reminds me of something I heard is a Hollywood adage -- "nobody knows anything." That's an exaggeration, of course, but there's truth to it. On this listserv, there are experienced attorneys admitting to ignorance about all kinds of things, things that I assumed experienced attorneys knew. What seems to distinguish the experienced attorneys from the neophytes, is that the distinguished attorneys have no shame in admitting what they don't know -- they rush to the listserv and find out the answer. Being on that listserv showed me that even people of experience and professional distinction don't know everything. And the more you're around these experienced people, the more you will realize there's nothing to be afraid of.
posted by jayder at 4:34 PM on October 23 [3 favorites]

I suggest limiting effect and duration rather than supressing. Learn to recognize the feeling--actively look for it. When you feel it, just acknowledge it, don't try to answer it or think your way out of it, then watch it pass. In other words, feel it, don't react, and let it go.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:50 PM on October 23

Remind yourself: you want to get better at playing chess, play chess with people who are better than you.
posted by Benjamin Nushmutt at 5:03 PM on October 23 [1 favorite]

Big agreement here with "nobody knows anything." An obvious exaggeration but far closer to the truth than neophytes tend to think. Also, never never never try to bullshit your way through a situation -- at least not until you're well past neophyte stage, at which point you'll know how much you can get away with. Much better are some honest and hopefully intelligently couched questions. You'll learn, and you show that you're capable and interested in learning.
posted by lex mercatoria at 5:09 PM on October 23

It is something that you will overcome over time. It is natural. Stick around and be yourself. Make sure you know what you are talking about, keep your word, and listen. That is more than most people do.
posted by bright77blue at 9:14 PM on October 23

I'd say you might even want to savour the feeling. It won't last forever. Like everyone has pointed out, this is something we all go through when we launch into careers. It's very easy to spend the next 30 years feeling comfortable to the point of complacency. Reading over your post took me back a few years, and I kind of miss that sense of awe.

So try to hang on to it - the good parts, the optimism, the admiration, the things that strike you as enviable and admirable about the elders in your profession, even the nervous energy that makes you want to perform.

It actually sounds like you've got a really good attitude, and you're in a great position. You've got the rest of your life to be completely self-assured. Try to enjoy the view before the blind spots set in.
posted by bicyclefish at 10:38 PM on October 23 [3 favorites]

I find myself in this situation pretty often. I usually attempt to draw out the person and listen to their ideas. Most people like to share and appreciate a good listener.

If it is really interesting I ask,"Can we continue this conversation via email, I have some ideas on this, but I don't really want to get into them right now."

Two goals are met here. One, I learn more about the field and two I have a new contact within it, that I can bounce ideas off of.
posted by psycho-alchemy at 11:44 PM on October 23

Plenty of good advice so far. One thing to add, although it may not apply in your case. How are you dressed relative to everyone else? If you're having some concerns about seeming too young and inexperienced there's no reason to compound those feelings with any amount of feeling underdressed or visually out of place. If you're feeling that at all, perhaps spend a bit of money to buy a nice well fitting [suit / set of casual clothes / whatever passes for a 'uniform' at these settings]. And don't forget the shoes.

The goal is to be confident, so you should remove as many barriers to that as possible, no matter how superficial they may seem.
posted by true at 10:52 AM on October 24

Thank you for all the advice everyone, it's really appreciated.

true that is very good advice, and it is something I've thought of before. Whenever I do go to these things I usually dress my best, because as you say, not dressing appropriately or being visually out of place would just compound it.
posted by althanis at 10:59 AM on October 24

Enjoy your youth. People over 50 envy it. Ask questions. Ask people to tell you how they got into the field. Ask for advice; Ask.metafilter is proof that people love to give advice, for free, and most of it is fantastic. Be confident that you wouldn't be given the opportunity if you weren't ready for it, and be confident enough to recognize that you are inexperienced, and be eager to learn.
posted by theora55 at 2:18 PM on October 25