How can I reframe oral sex in my mind so that I don't think of it as an awful experience? Should I even try?
March 12, 2010 1:32 PM Subscribe
I dislike oral sex. My partner likes oral sex. We're both in our early thirties. I'm female in a relationship with a man.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (61 answers total) 17 users marked this as a favorite
I dislike oral sex (both giving and receiving) for the following reasons:
-It grosses me out a bit. I have suggested possibly trying with a condom and he has rejected that idea
-It doesn't feel intimate to me. I like having our torsos close together. I feel like I'm just performing a service or he's just performing a service on me. I like sex to be mutually enjoyable. I enjoy the psychology aspects of sex much more than the physical. I feel lonely having my partner so far away from me during oral sex.
The reasons above make me not want to have oral sex. I've told my partner the reasons I don't want to have oral sex and he keeps mentioning that he can't imagine going the rest of his life without it and that he sees it as intimate and wants to engage in the act with me. He brings it up frequently and every time he does I just want to crawl in a hole. I don't feel like my feelings are being respected. This further turns me off to the idea of having oral sex.
I feel like having oral sex would mean that I am giving up a piece of my self respect. It further makes me feel like my partner doesn't respect my feelings and I don't think I can be with someone who doesn't respect my feelings.
When he says he can't imagine never having oral sex again, it makes me think he's going to leave me because of my refusal to have oral sex. Then, I feel like I am unloved because if he would dump me because I don't want to have oral sex, then he can't really love me.
I have been working on this issue with my psychologist, but I haven't been able to make headway. I'm stuck in the same pattern of thoughts. I am interested in changing my thoughts to believing that oral sex is loving. I don't think I will ever really enjoy it, but if I didn't feel so unloved when we discussed it, I might be able to do it to make him feel happy and loved.
My question is, how can I reframe my thoughts? Should I even reframe them? Will it harm my self esteem to reframe them?
I love this man, but I feel lots of anxiety thinking about oral sex and it makes me very sad that we can't come to an understanding. One final note, he would not be interested in going outside the relationship for oral sex. He doesn't want to have any type of sex with someone he doesn't love.