When no sex feels like I am not desirable
May 10, 2014 6:16 AM Subscribe
I need help. I am seeking therapy for this issue, but it will take about six weeks before I can get in.
My partner (m 36) and I (f 34) are not having sex. It has been about four months. He is dealing with depression and anxiety issues and is on medication for this. This has been pretty hard for me since we greatly enjoyed such an active sex life prior to this. He attributes our sexual issues to his diagnosis and medication. In my head I believe what he tells me, but this is triggering past issues for me that are getting in the way of me believing what he says. The fact that he masturbates at least once a day is hard for me to handle.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (30 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
I think it boils down to me equating sex with worth. It is very hard for me to even write that. I would like to find some ways to deal with these feelings.
Other factors to consider: we have one child, both have new jobs, and we have recently moved (away from our hometown where both of our families are). His younger brother recently stayed with us for about two months, which was stressful and fun, but he moved to a different city since.
For example, this sounds crazy and it is. I am trying to stop. Every time I come home I look for evidence that he has masturbated. I usually find that he has been masturbating. Basically any time I leave the house. I feel like I am looking for evidence that he doesn't want me, and I find it and confirm my belief. I imagine being in his position and I would feel horrible that my partner was monitoring me like that. It is disgusting. I tell myself over and over that masturbation is healthy and normal, I do it every day, his private time has nothing to do with me...even though I have this message embedded in me that it has everything to do with me or what I don't have.
I have tried initiating sex, giving him space, and I feel that I am very supportive overall. I feel this is my issue triggered by lack of sex. I continually remind myself that this is about me. It helps sometimes. Many times I just want to cry. I feel like he is just waiting for me to leave so he can get off because he doesn't want to have sex with me. I know this is such faulty thinking but I can't shake it all of the time.
I'm wondering if anyone has some helpful thoughts, resources, or insights. I am trying to get through to my therapy appointment by using some positive self talk, trying to reason with myself that his masturbation has nothing to do with us not having sex. That if someone doesn't want to have sex with me, that has nothing to do with my worth as a person.
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