How do I get over my hangups with blowjobs? (NSFW)
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (42 answers total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
I (a 25 year old woman) have recently started seeing someone (a 25 year old man) with whom I have generally fabulous, wonderful sex, largely because we've both been really good about communicating what we want to do and what we like, and because each of us has generally been happy to do whatever will please the other. For us, sex has been many things, not just plain old penis-in-vagina intercourse. I really love making love with this guy.
But there's one big exception. While he happily (and frequently!) goes down on me, I have yet to reciprocate, even though I want to. He knows about my hangups, and while he has tried to help me work through this, he isn't pressuring me (bless him); I want to do this for myself as much as I want to do it for him.
Here's why I've got hangups about this:
My current beau is the fourth person I've slept with. All of the others were one night stands or otherwise short-lived relationships. I've never had the chance before to develop a sexual relationship with someone, and because of my (very) bad first experience with giving head (about which more in a moment), I've just avoided it so far.
So, the bad first time: when I was 20, I decided that I wanted to lose my virginity, and I wanted to do it with someone I didn't particularly care about much since the first time was likely going to be bad (both because there would be a lot of figuring out whether to insert Tab A into Slot B kind of things, and because I was fairly certain that I wouldn't be any good at anything. As may be obvious, I had pretty low self esteem in regards to my attractiveness, which I am pleased to say I am mostly done with). So, I decided to seduce an acquaintance at a party and be done with it.
For the most part, that first experience was great: I realized that I really liked sex, that I was better at it than I'd anticipated, and that I could, indeed, be really attractive, sexy even. But it ended horribly. He asked me to go down on him, and I tried, but I had no idea what I was doing, and while I don't think it was unpleasant for him, I wasn't getting him off. He didn't give me any idea of what worked or felt good, and after a few minutes of ineffectual effort (with his hands on my head pushing me onto him, and feeling him getting softer the whole time) he stopped me and basically told me I wasn't any good and said maybe I better leave. I got dressed and left, and he never spoke to me again, and even left the college organization we were both part of.
So, since then, I've just avoided blowjobs entirely. I've certainly read up on technique, and my now pretty extensive experience with my hands has given me a pretty good idea of what gets someone off. But even though I know, intellectually, that I've got a pretty sound position to start from, and I generally love making someone cum, I'm still terrified of giving head (I'm getting stressed out just thinking about it). My current partner has suggested that I might just try kissing his cock first, or that we do something else until he's near orgasm and then start, but those ideas don't make me feel more relaxed about it.
What can I do to finally get over that awful experience, and give my beau (and his man-part*) the blowjob he deserves? I've got a therapist, but my focus with her is mainly my ADHD; should I bring this up with her?
Email for followups: email@example.com
*yup, beau of mine, I know you're reading this. I'm okay with that; I'm asking it anonymously because I don't particularly want my other friends on metafilter to know this is me, not because of you. Feel free to talk to me about this if you want.