What is the problem? Why can't I have sex?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (37 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
This post is probably a long time coming. Forgive me in advance for the long post, but this is difficult for me to talk about.
For the purposes of ID'ing me, you can call me A. I've posted this anonymously, but have setup an anonymous email account at email@example.com if you need to reach me privately.
My wife and I met in early 2003 and were married in late 2005. I'm 32 and she's 28. We are very happily married and while we wouldn't go so far to call ourselves "the perfect couple", we have talked about how we just fit together in almost all aspects of our relationship.
The one aspect that we don't fit, however, is sex. Before we got married, we used to have sex almost every weekend (we only saw each other on weekends because we lived in different cities). Even after we moved in together, we had sex fairly often. But since we're married, we have sex once every few months.
Please don't think that "the thrill of the chase is gone." I really don't think that's the case at all. Also, it's not that I'm not attracted to my wife. Far from it. I think she is very sexy. Physically, we're both larger people (overweight), but that truly doesn't matter to me. I find her physically and mentally attractive in all respects.
But I'm not blind. I know intuitively that the lack of sex bothers my wife. But we don't talk about it. I have a difficult time talking about sex, and the few times we've tried to do so, it's been frustrating because of my sheer mental block about it. I think she's given up on talking about it, and honestly, it's relieving to me to not talk about it. I know that's not helpful, but I can't help but feeling that way.
Other issues that factor in here include:
* I just don't get as tired as she does. My wife goes to bed by 9.30 because she tired earlier in the evening, and since I'm not all that tired, I usually don't go to bed until 1 or 2.
* I'm overweight and diabetic, which I know don't help. I'm pretty sure that one of the side effects of my daily meds for diabetes is that it reduces sex drive.
* There are performance issues here, too. I don't stay hard all for any length of time. When I do manage to stay hard, it takes me a long time to climax. Even though she is very sweet about it and tells me that it doesn't take as long as I think it does, I can't help but feel that it shouldn't take as long as it does. I feel guilty about it, which of course doesn't help me relax and just let it happen.
* Before we got married, she once told me, "I'm a very sexual person." I feel guilty over the fact that I've probably deadened her sex drive.
* I work for a marketing start-up where the hours are killer and the stress is up. I know that doesn't help, either, but that situation is not going to change overnight. That's part of why I'm not so tired in the evenings. I come home at 7.30/8.00, we have dinner, and then relax together for a short while. Then before you know it, she's ready for bed and I'm still winding down from the stresses and emotions of the day.
*sigh* *deep breath*
WHAT DO I DO NOW?
I really don't blame my wife for this at all. The responsibility really is mine here. Even if we talked about it, the issues here really are mine to deal with. But I don't know why or what to do about it.
* Is it all in my head? Do I go see a psychiatrist? A sex therapist? I wouldn't even know where to begin. Plus, let's be honest. "Talking" anonymously to AskMeFi is a helluva lot easier than talking about it with a shrink or my wife.
* Am I masturbating too much? Even though we don't have sex, I *am* able to masturbate. I feel guilty about it, but I do masturbate to Internet porn usually twice a week.
* Is it sexual health-related? Should I get a prescription for Viagara or Cialis or something like that? I'm not opposed to it, but I'm afraid of any negative side effects, especially related to my diabetes.
* Is it health related? I know that I could always lose weight, but I need to do that in general, anyway. I'm *very* hesitant to blame this on my diabetes meds, because I need them to stay in balance with my sugars (I'm type 2, BTW).
*Sigh* *deep breath*
I'm genuinely curious for advice and counsel here. But please don't advise the simple -- "Just take her to bed" or "Just go have sex" or "Lose some weight." It's not like I haven't thought of any of that before, and believe it or not, it's just not that simple.
I really don't know what to do. I want to be more sexual with my wife, but I just don't know how to start. I am so tired of feeling guilty, ugly, and sexually "broken."
p.s. I've posted this anonymously, but have setup an anonymous email account at firstname.lastname@example.org if you need to reach me privately.