I want a physical thing, no more, no less

August 12, 2009 2:32 PM

How do I identify and meet women interested in a one night stand?

For the past few years, I've found myself in a number of relationships where my partners don't want to have sex. They'll do everything to remain technical virgins (oral, mutual masturbation, etc.), but penetrative intercourse is out. For some reason, I seem to keep meeting these sorts of women when I go out looking for a girlfriend.

At this point, I'm single and ready to have some fun. I've been thinking of going to bars and other places where I might meet women who are interested in a purely sexual relationship.

My questions are:

1. How can I tell if a woman is interested in having a one night stand?

2. Where can I meet women who are interested in only a sexual relationship? For example, does craigslist Casual Encounters actually work?

3. If I suspect a woman may be interested in a one night stand, then how can I proposition her for this?

If you need to follow up, throwaway e-mail is mansextonight at gmail.com.

posted by anonymous to human relations (19 answers total)

1. Ask - I've actually met women where we've had a bit of natural chemistry and I've said "look, I've got no headspace for a relationship right now, but if you'd be interested in something purely physical, I think we could have a lot of fun." You might be surprised how many young women are interested in exactly the same thing, provided they find you at least somewhat attractive.

2. Anywhere you meet women.

3. See #1 -- don't treat it as a "big proposition" or something you have to convince her into.. just be flat out respectful but honest about what you want.
posted by modernnomad at 2:36 PM on August 12, 2009 [2 favorites]

Go to a club.
posted by fire&wings at 2:38 PM on August 12, 2009

AdultFriendFinder.com or OKCupid.com.

But not all women who are interested in casual sex fun necessarily enjoy penis-in-vagina intercourse, so do specify that that's a must for you if it is.

The idea that all other sex "isn't really sex" is toxic whether it comes from a sex-negative place ("technical virginity") or from a theoretically sex-positive place. Penis-in-vagina intercourse is just one form of sex.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:42 PM on August 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

Craigslist Casual Encounters does not generally "work" for men looking for no-strings sex with women who are not sex workers. You can discern this by looking at all the angry posts about this on the Casual Encounters section and on the "rants and raves" section.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:43 PM on August 12, 2009

I know a couple of guys that travel on assignments for extended periods and swear by Plenty of Fish. I don't know about the quality only that they used it quite a bit. These guys weren't the, uh, brightest crayons in the box and they sure weren't the most charming. But they did swear by it.
posted by geoff. at 3:03 PM on August 12, 2009

[few comments removed - hard to tell who is joking and who isn't. please try to do more than toss one-liners in here, thanks.]
posted by jessamyn at 3:59 PM on August 12, 2009

I think if all you want is sex with no possibility of a relationship or friendship, then you gotta go with being direct. "I'm interested in no-strings-attached sex."

I think you'll get some rejection, so you need to brace yourself for that. But, the person who says yes to this will really mean yes -- they too, will only want sex with no possibility of a relationship or friendship with you.

I think your rejection rate will be a bit high because, although there are definitely women who want NSA sex, there are probably more men than women who want it. So, it's kinda ladies' choice.

A completely different option is to do this with someone who makes their income this way. It's a rejection-free option that is guaranteed to give you the activity you want with no strings. I have no idea what the going rate is. I believe in Amsterdam (where prostitutes belong to a union), the rate several years ago was 50 euros for every 20 minutes. So, maybe that gives you some idea of cost.
posted by Houstonian at 4:04 PM on August 12, 2009

Go to another country. Seriously. In most of Europe this stuff has much less stigma attached.
posted by melissam at 4:04 PM on August 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

You might also try looking at older women, as the "I want to stay a technical virgin," is generally something you'll find with someone who has never been married, and (I am not trying to offend anyone here, I'm sorry I can't think of a better way to say this) the sexually immature.

There is no guarantee, of course, that an older woman will agree to the "no strings attached" part.
posted by misha at 4:08 PM on August 12, 2009

Seconding OK Cupid: Make a profile that is honest but not too deeply personal. Upload un-posed pictures of yourself. Mention sex in a light, humorous, or clever way somewhere near the beginning or introduction. Don't be creepy. This is how a friend of mine found himself in a regular non-romantic sexual arrangement with a woman. She didn't want romance but couldn't orgasm alone (SSRI side-effects), so he goes over there occasionally and helps her out. Win-win.

Another (female) friend also had success in the casual encounters area of Craigslist, but I think that's more the exception that proves the rule than anything else.
posted by saguaro at 4:33 PM on August 12, 2009

1. How can I tell if a woman is interested in having a one night stand?

I would NOT recommend propositioning someone, a la "I'd like to have sex with you and not have to see you again afterward." Even if someone did want to have sex with you, that would probably insult her and deflate any sexiness from the situation.

If you're out for one-night stands, I'd say just go hit on women. Come on strong, but not sleazy. The ones that aren't in the mood for that (probably most) will get weeded out quickly. The rest, well, that's that. Sort of a "sh*t or get off the pot" approach.

The internet would make things a lot easier. Women have already preselected themselves for a ONS. On the flipside, it takes a lot longer and you don't get to develop your courage or flirting skills.
posted by dualityofmind at 5:16 PM on August 12, 2009

You could go to the Cougars Convention:
http://www.goldstar.com/events/29566.html
posted by Jacqueline at 6:06 PM on August 12, 2009

A lot of women who are out drinking with friends at clubs are there precisely because they're interested in getting laid, even if that's not part of their concious decision for going out.

Meet someone at the bar, dance with her, find out if she's the kind of person who will make out with a stranger on a dance floor, and if she is, ask her if she wants to come home with you. She'll probably be pretty clear on what's going on, and will say yes if she wants to get laid. (Skip the "come over to my place to see my awesome record collection" type invites, since that can muddy it. Maybe she'll just want to see the records, you know? But a plain ol' "want to come back to my place?" while looking into her eyes is pretty well understood to mean "wanna have sex".)

That being said, if you're wrong or she was naive or she changed her mind, 'no means no', 'hesitation means no' 'uncertainty means no' etc etc. But considering your dating history, you probably already know that.
posted by Kololo at 6:09 PM on August 12, 2009 [2 favorites]

Another vote for going to Europe, where people are normal when it comes to sex.

Also, women on both continents will be more interested in a one-night stand if you are very good looking.
posted by Zambrano at 6:15 PM on August 12, 2009

If I suspect a woman may be interested in a one night stand, then how can I proposition her for this?

Um. You don't proposition someone for a one night stand. You proposition someone for sex and it retroactively becomes a one night stand when you never see the person again. Make it clear that you are interested in a woman, don't promise her anything (but don't be the guy who says "I'm not looking for a relationship" within the first ten minutes of meeting a girl. That guy is a dick), if you happen to have sex with a woman and then don't wish to call her again, then don't. You didn't promise her you would, and maybe she doesn't want you to. Maybe she does, but life's tough all over. Congratulations. You just had a one night stand. There are people who are okay with it and it can be done without being too much of a jerk, but most of the people who are okay with it don't want to sit down and plan it out ahead of time. It's fun and somewhat regrettable (but be careful so it isn't too regrettable) but it doesn't mix well with rational discussion. Go out and meet people and have fun and see what happens.
posted by ND¢ at 6:56 PM on August 12, 2009

don't be the guy who says "I'm not looking for a relationship" within the first ten minutes of meeting a girl. That guy is a dick

Don't listen to ND¢. Be that guy! That's not being a dick, it's being honest and open about what you want. Honest = good. You will probably get rejected a bit more often, but it's better than being deceitful by omission. That's being a dick.

Plus, you stop wasting uninterested parties' time and they, yours.
posted by cmgonzalez at 7:11 PM on August 12, 2009

Look I know the ladies and the ladies don't like the "I'm not looking for a relationship" within the first ten minutes guy. They don't. He's obnoxious. As for it being dickish to have sex with a person and then not call them and ignore it when they call you . . . I don't know. It may be kind of dickish, but 1) what are you running for Jesus? 2) I have done it a fair number of times (in the old days) and nobody has ever run me over with their car, so it can't be all that bad.
posted by ND¢ at 7:23 PM on August 12, 2009

You obviously don't "know the ladies" nearly as well as you think you do.

As a woman, deceit by omission is much, much worse than being informed by a guy that he isn't looking for a relationship. I don't have to waste my time with said guy because I'm not at all interested in casual sex. And he can move onto someone else who might be.

If you never had contact with them again, how do you know what they felt afterward? Just because they didn't run you over doesn't mean they weren't hurt. It isn't "kind of dickish", it's extremely dickish.

All I'm saying is Anon should just be honest and direct about what he's looking for, as it's considerate and ensures both parties are on the same page.
posted by cmgonzalez at 7:50 PM on August 12, 2009 [2 favorites]

If you're of the right age (up to say mid 20's or so), youth hostels in party cities (think New Orleans, Miami Beach, etc.), especially the sort that gets lots of hard-drinking Aussies...
posted by paultopia at 7:51 PM on August 12, 2009