Responsibilities of Best Man?

May 14, 2006 11:44 PM

I'm best man at my friend's wedding in July. What are all of my responsibilities?

So I need a list of what Best Man usually does, preferably in three lists:
1. Stuff he does without consulting with the groom
2. Stuff he usually does, but should consult with the groom first.
3. Other stuff that needs to be discussed with the groom before July.

posted by sdis to Human Relations (16 answers total)

Get a good toast.
posted by ktrey at 11:52 PM on May 14, 2006

Give a toast, Arrange the bachelor party, safeguard the ring, and get him to the church on time!
posted by Manjusri at 11:57 PM on May 14, 2006

1. Prepare humorous and heartwarming toast.

2-3. Organize bachelor party. Rent/buy appropriate wedding attire. Get fittings for said attire. Find out dates for wedding, rehearsal, rehearsal brunch/lunch/dinner well in advance and plan your schedule accordingly. Assist with wedding day logistics, e.g., bring stuff to the ceremony and reception that bride/groom need on hand. Hang out with groom to the extent he wants company on wedding day when getting ready. Hold the bride's ring and present it at the ceremony. Sign the marriage license. Handle payment of vendors/officiant/others upon bride and groom request. Dance with maid of honor.

All of the items in (2) and (3) require some level of consultation with the bride/groom so you don't do anything inconsistent with what they want. One possible exception is the bachelor party, depending on how well you know the groom already and what he wants/expects for the party.
posted by brain_drain at 12:00 AM on May 15, 2006

I'll add an unusual one - be the sober, responsible guy at the bachelor party. Give the bride your assurance that no matter what stupid hijinx transpire, you will be in control and you will keep the groom and his party safe. Have a couple of drinks, sure, but don't get blasted with everybody else. Keep an eye on the groom and on everybody else as well. You're a one man Praetorian Guard. Nothing stuffs up a wedding day like a trip to the hospital the night before. Trust me on this.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 12:07 AM on May 15, 2006 [2 favorites]

Here's my list of things, off the top of my head and in no particular order, distilled from three weddings.

1. Become the proxy logistician and all-around ninja on behalf of the groom. If you are exceedingly lucky, your counterpart, the maid or matron of honor, will be filling the identical role for the bride, and you can work together to basically run things on the day of the wedding. In other words, become the groom's executive assistant, in a really proactive way. Ask him early and often what logistical concerns you can take over, and then delegate those responsibilities to other groomsmen or appropriate guests. Take things off his list of "things I have to worry about"
2. Organize the other groomsmen. This is a vitally important role, because it takes logistics off the couple, which is a gift more valuable than gold in the weeks coming up to the wedding. In practical terms, you are generally expected to arrange the bachelor party, as well as ensure that all of the groomsmen get their measurements in well ahead of time (if you're doing penguin-suit rentals). Make sure every groomsman knows where he is to be at what time. In my considerably biased opinion, the bachelor party should be a celebration of friendship and of the fact that your friend is embarking upon an extraordinary commitment. As may be obvious, I despise the "let's get some strippers and get him totally fucked up" school of thought. Your job, IMNSHATBO, is not to undermine the wedding: it's to affirm to the groom that he's making the right choice. On preview: obiwanwasabi hit this one out of the park.
3. Act as the personal body servant to the groom on the day of the wedding. Make sure you know where he is to be at what time, and make sure he's there. I helped Brian dress, and then, until about ten minutes before the ceremony started, kept him company, made sure he was squared away, and kept everyone else away from him. Running interference is an excellent role for you to take, because everyone and their sister seems to want to talk to both bride and groom on the day of, which is a recipe for disaster.
4. Either delegate or take care of getting everyone's tuxes together and returned to the rental place.
5. On the day of, manage any emergencies that come up that don't directly require the intervention of the bride or groom. In particular, deal with challenging family members, either by schmoozing them yourself or delegating the schmoozery to a well-suited friend.
6. Make a memorable, and most of all, characteristic toast. I was having trouble with the toast, because I was going for Profound and Meaningful. Then I consulted with my spouse, and she said that my best friend had chosen me because he wanted me to give a toast in my own style. It took me about one day to write it after that insight. And it involved the use of an actual toaster to time it (my closing line, given immediately after the toast popped up, was "And, with that, the toast is done"), and numerous anecdotes about my history with my best friend and (and this is important) my view of his meeting with his wife, as well as anecdotes about them together. Editorial: I loathe "make the couple uncomfortable" toasts. I find them unbelievably puerile, and worse than that, self-aggrandizing. My $0.02 is that the best man's toast should be a celebration of the union. But that's me.

Sorry this went so long, but I'm opinionated on the subject, and I'm sure others will argue with my recommendations. Hope this helps.
posted by scrump at 12:30 AM on May 15, 2006 [4 favorites]

Just as an to obiwanwasabi and scrump: don't do the bachelor party on the night before the wedding. For the love of god. Make it a week or two beforehand. I know there's that whole "last night of freedom as a single man" aspect that some people have in their bachelor parties, but you're way, way better off following the advice in this thread.

And while there's some good advice in this thread... the best advice is: Be what your buddy needs you to be. Yes, he'll expect you to make a toast, bring the ring to the wedding, etc, but I think you're best off just doing whatever it takes to be a helping hand. Some people need lots of help, some people don't. It's going to vary depending on how well organized/how independent your friend is.
posted by antifuse at 3:23 AM on May 15, 2006

As Obiwanwasibi and Scrump have indicated, different people have different ideas of what makes a good bachelor party. For this reason, the bachelor party DEFINITELY falls into category 2--stuff you should discuss with the groom. You don't have to run every aspect of it past him, of course, but you will definitely want his explicit guidance on the general nature of it.

If he says "Surprise me," then, sure go ahead and surprise him, but otherwise, make sure you're thinking along the same lines.

I told my best men (I had two) that I wanted to use my bachelor party to do stuff that I like doing but that my bride doesn't. In my case, it was play video games and watch Jackie Chan movies, so that's what we did.

I was a best man at another wedding where the groom said he wanted his bachelor party just to be a chance to hang out with his friends in a low-key, relaxed way before the stress of the wedding day, so that's what we arranged. Honestly, it seemed too easy--all we did was reserve some space in a local pub, send out invitations, and show up with snackfood--but it was exactly what the groom wanted, and everybody had a great time.

And Scrump's advice about the toast is great. In the entire history of weddings, nobody has ever gone wrong with a toast that (a) celebrates the bride and the groom and (b) comes from the heart.
posted by yankeefog at 5:45 AM on May 15, 2006

I'm from the South, so traditions may be different where you are, but my wife and I ended up having to do a lot of walking around and saying 'hello' to everyone before we got a chance to sit down at the reception. I really wish that someone had thought to get us each a plate of food / hors d'oeuvres so that we could actually eat while we mixed with everyone. I've done this for friends since then, and they seemed to appreciate it.
posted by richmondparker at 8:59 AM on May 15, 2006

I did all of the above- plus vandalized their car after it was all over. Tin cans, string and white shoe polish is all it takes.
posted by Four Flavors at 9:22 AM on May 15, 2006

You're goto-guy for the day. You should have on your person a cell phone with a charged battery, cash (sufficient for an emergency cab, tailor, and tipping), a small sewing kit, extra cufflinks/studs, safety pins, shoe laces (if his shoes are laced), and a Swiss Army knife or some other multitool. With those things, you can resolve nearly any mechanical crisis in short order.

Make sure you turn the phone off first thing when you step into the location of the ceremony.
posted by plinth at 9:40 AM on May 15, 2006 [2 favorites]

Amen to richmondparker's advice. Making sure the groom eats is a great thing to do.
posted by scrump at 9:43 AM on May 15, 2006

Car vandalizing yes. Also carry a wad of cash just in case, and for tips, etc. When the limo showed up at my brother's wedding to take the wedding party to the reception there was a snafu about it being paid for, and he wouldn't go anywhere without being paid in advance.
posted by sevenless at 9:46 AM on May 15, 2006

Try to talk him out of getting married. Seriously, I think this is a valuable best man service. Just one last "You know, we could walk away right now" speech. Of course, you'll fail to talk him out of it, and the wedding will be lovely. But I believe it's an important role.
posted by MrMoonPie at 10:34 AM on May 15, 2006

Looking back on when I was best man, the one thing I wish I had with me was a squirt gun. There were candles on the altar, right below bouquets of dried flowers. I realized that as the groom's sister lit the candles we had a recipe for disaster. There's a great picture during the wedding of the groom and bride staring lovingly into each other's eyes as I'm looking towards the altar. I spent the ceremony thinking about courses of action should fire break out:

1) push the groom on top of the bride to protect her from the fire, sidestep the pastor, and smother the flames with my body.

2) look around for holy water to put out the fire. Not being a religious guy, I wasn't sure if this church used holy water or where it would be kept.

Sure enough, during the service the flowers started to smolder and burn. All I could do is nudge the next groomsman and say "look Dan, the flowers are on fire". His response: "yup". The flowers miraculously stopped burning a few seconds later. A friend in the audience later said he was very impressed with my telekinesis based fire extinguishing skills.

Bring a squirt gun. I hope you don't have to use it.
posted by dr. fresh at 12:24 PM on May 15, 2006

Your job is: make sure he gets to the church on time, respectably attired, and sober (or drunk) enough to go through with the ceremony without embarrassing himself.

Giving a good toast at the reception and throwing the bachelor party are some fun responsibilities that are gifted to you in return for the responsibility listed above. I strongly second the idea of asking him what kind of bachelor party he wants and then just making it happen - it's his day. You can call on the other groomsmen for financial support for this.

Safeguarding the ring is pretty much a non-event. Make sure it's in a little black velvet snap-case (go to a jeweler ahead of time to get one, if you don't have one) and put it in a pocket that has no holes in it. Don't lose it.

I don't agree that it's your responsibility to talk the groom out of getting married! That's the opposite of what he asked you to do, and it strikes me as an exceedingly bad idea.
posted by ikkyu2 at 1:40 PM on May 15, 2006

WTF? Try to talk the groom out of it? Why in the world would you do that? He's already going to be nervous enough as it is, unless you're doing it as a joke, Vince Vaughn from Old School style (like I plan on doing), do NOT do this.
posted by antifuse at 3:48 AM on May 16, 2006