My mother is making me choose between her and my best man.
WEDDING.
A word to strike fear in the heart.
Weddings really are the perfect storm -- a combination of large sums of money which may or may not have strings, event planning, family members who never see or speak to each other, and the pressure to get everything perfect on the day.
In my case, the wave that's threatening to break the mast of the ship is that my mother has declared she will not come to the wedding if the person I've made my best man, who I will hereonafter dub the generic male name of Dave, attends.
I know my parents -- mostly my mother -- dislike Dave. There's no reason for this. They've traditionally disapproved of many of my close friends, and my bride is my first friend they've not started sniping about for a long, long time.
My parents are overjoyed I'm actually getting married. They've bought outfits. And we did all we could, in advance, to prevent any conflict happening. Six months ago, I broached the subject of people attending they may dislike. They seemed fine.
I then told them that Dave, and a few other people my parents dislike, would be there. My mother replied it was up to us who to invite, she didn't mind at all.
I said to Dave I'd like him to be my best man, but it would depend on whether my mother would be upset with it. He said he understood. (Dave bears no ill-will towards my mother at all and has bore this very well.)
Last week, I told my parents I would make Dave my best man, and they said that would be fine, they were happy for us.
But last night, my mother suddenly changed her mind. She announced she would not attend the wedding if Dave comes, even if I strip him of all his bestmanly duties.
Dave's list of crimes, dictated by my father as my mother refuses to talk about the issue sensibly, include: turning me away from religion, introducing me to women and drink (Dave doesn't drink and is happily married), stealing from me, conniving against them, and encouraging me into an "unnaturally close relationship", the nature of which I can only guess at from her strict Irish Catholic imagination.
My mother's dislike, um, hatred of him appears to be based on explaining away the choices I took as a teenager and adult that she didn't approve of. Turning away from religion and towards women and drink and song is pretty much universal, and I am no teenage rebel. I am proud to be nerd.
I've known Dave for two-thirds of my life. He's a good human being without a chromosome of evil in him. If anything, he's been a positive influence on me. He's offered to do whatever it takes to sort this out, although he doesn't know about this latest development... yet.
As a groom, my first duty is to my bride. She is furious, and thinks that an unsealable rift will open up between us and my mother if she boycotts the wedding. But we've agreed to not let this come between us. She, also, is bearing this well.
Me, I would rather not choose, and if my hand were forced, I believe neither my mother or Dave should come. I'd like to talk to my mother sensibly about this, and point out, for instance, Dave doesn't drink, but she screams me down, tries to make me feel guilty, hangs up the phone... She won't listen to reason, to the extent that I worry about her mental health. I'd love to try and see her point of view, but it's not based on reality.
In conclusion, this is a case of one good person with an irrational disgust towards another good person, threatening to ruin the magical wedding of two more good people. Have you been through something similar? Advice?
FYI, the wedding is next summer, and bride and I are only children.
posted by randomination to human relations (75 comments total)
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posted by randomination at 5:40 AM on November 6, 2007