Deciding about dates

March 19, 2024 10:47 AM

How long to keep going on dates when you're not sure? Especially if you have insecure attachment and a history of being attracted to unavailability, and of being turned off by interest.

Most of my "relationships " have been "crash and burn" type things with emotionally unavailable people. They start off intensely but don't last.

I think, finally, at the age of 45, I am turned off by unavailability. However, I now find myself unsure of how to date in the opposite way. Recently I have gone out with people who expressed interest, but things didn't feel quite right. But, how do I trust myself if I have a history of being attracted to what I don't need? If I don't feel attracted, how long do I give it?

For more detail, in the first case I went out once with the person, we had a good conversation, but after he kept sending me love-bomby texts that mafe me cringe (calling me 'love') so I decided not see him again. The second person is harder- we have hung out 3x, I think he's kind of cute, but I just don't want to kiss him, and he wants to, and I don't know how long I am supposed to wait until I know I'm not attracted?

Is the pace of dating just slower when you're not dating love-bombing, emotionally unavailable people?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total)

I'm not going to tell you that if you don't definitely want to kiss him then that means there's no chemistry and you should ditch him.

I'm going to tell you something quite different.

My advice comes from personal experience of someone who really resonates hard with your question (though I don't share your history). I, too, am someone who finds it unreasonably difficult to know when I am attracted to someone, and I too tend to fret over "well how long should I keep dating this person? IDK if I want to kiss him yet."

My advice is: consider that you might just be someone who needs the other person to make the first move when it comes to kissing. Let the other person know this, either verbally or nonverbally using your best flirting technique lol, maybe on date 2 or 3 when you're having the ~unsure~ vibe wrt yourself. (Important: if it's not an ~unsure~ vibe but rather a ~no~ vibe, you know what to do!)

When they make a move to kiss you, be receptive. Kiss them. Really give it a shot, see if you can get lost in it.

If you can, win! You're going on another date! And now that you know it's nice to kiss him, you can relax and let the physical intimacy proceed at a pace comfortable to you.

If you can't get even a little bit lost in the kiss, like for example if you're just hyperaware of lips and breath and chins and how much your next is tilting, or if you get kind of an "ew" feeling, or if you start wishing it was just a dry kiss because that would be more comfortable, or if you get the sense that his shirt is covering a chest that is totally new and alien to you and that's a little bit freaky... these types of feelings are your cue that there is no chemistry here.
posted by MiraK at 11:00 AM on March 19 [4 favorites]

I'm also single in my 40s and have gone through a period of change in rethinking my approach to dating and clarifying what I want for myself. I found Jay Shetty's book, 8 Rules of Love, really helpful in framing the role of a romantic relationship in my life and there's an Instagram account, Dating Intentionally, that offers a advice about defining what you want from relationships, goals and approaches, and so on -- she posted some journaling prompts last September, 5 Journal Prompts to Figure Out What You Need from a Relationship that was a really useful exercise for me. There's millions of books and also a lot of weird garbage dating advice online, of course, and I've tried not to expose myself to too much of it or take it too literally, but those two resources have been helpful for me to understand what dating from a more secure, proactive place looks like.

So, I guess part of my point is that, in terms of trusting yourself and how you decide whether someone is right for you, it's useful to have these questions (pacing, how do I want to feel with a new partner, how long do I wait to feel an attraction, etc.) answered for yourself in advance of meeting someone, them showing interest, et cetera. Know what you want (to the best of your abilities) and then judge the person and situation against those standards. Good luck!
posted by sk932 at 12:15 PM on March 19

My approach to what I would call "not knowing if I'm attracted" -- which for me is that space of not having a clear "yes!" but also not having a clear "no!" is to go ahead and kiss them. I can tell after that if things can be workable. For me, attraction tends to grow with comfort, so I have found myself grow more attracted to people I didn't necessarily feel powerful chemistry with initially.

I also had the experience of kissing someone and moving firmly into "no" territory. So I can see my approach not working for someone at a different threshold where casual intimacy is concerned, or who would feel uncomfortable telling someone "sorry, not working for me" after kissing them. But my feeling is if I'm at least feeling open to the possibility of kissing someone, might as well go ahead and do it (usually on the 2nd date) and see what comes of it.
posted by EvaDestruction at 12:38 PM on March 19 [3 favorites]

I'm 41 and have been going on sporadic dates but mostly single for the last 10 years.

I kind of have a baseline 'am I having fun? does this feel like a good use of my time?' kind of metric. Most of the time it's a no like 5 minutes into the date. But just recently I met someone and had fun, so decided to go on another date. Also had fun. Been out with him like 7 times now and still fun. Do I see red flags? Sure, but I've just been addressing them as I've gone along and he's done a good job of responding to me honestly in those moments (maybe you could address the love-bombing thing if it comes up again). Am I developing feelings? Maybe? Hard to say, but still enjoying myself and looking forward to the next time, sure! I do have a tendency to just go for the physical stuff kind of early to get it out of the way and see if there's chemistry, and luckily, yay we have it, looking forward to more of that, too!

I think it's important to just take it one day at a time. If you stop looking forward to dates because you aren't sure about things, or you just don't feel any progression, that's maybe the sign to not keep dating them. You don't have to have a checklist, I think you just should check in with yourself to see if you're looking forward to seeing them again and let it go from there.
posted by greta simone at 2:00 PM on March 19 [2 favorites]

I used to look for a zing on the first date, and generally that was a conversational zing, not a zing of finding them physically attractive only. Based on some of the same concerns you mentioned here, I have also changed my approach. Now, I decide, "Do I want to talk to this person again?" So I don't necessarily need a zing. I am also mindful of the fact that a zing came a lot easier when I had a drink or two on those dates. The past few years, I've been having more dates over coffee, a walk, etc., so a good sober conversation is a really good starting point.

Do you specifically not want to kiss him? Like you're repelled by the idea? Or just not super horny about it all?

If you are not repulsed, I would try to look for bigger picture alignments in your dating: do you want the same things, generally? Are your important values similar?

Before online dating, in the real world, I sometimes had crushes on people right away, and I sometimes developed crushes over time. So I say give it some time unless you are a hell no at this point.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:12 PM on March 19

I can't speak for any demisexual attraction things, or "broken picker" things, which might really be the underlying question here, but "would I care if I never saw this person ever again?" should be a factor in your thinking, vs. "I'd like to see them again, this was fun." If you think it's a broken picker issue, that might be a "time for therapy assistance" thing there. Otherwise, I normally know right off if I'd want to or not with someone and my attraction doesn't build from zero over time, so in my case, there's not much point in continuing to trial date if I don't care about them on date one. If you either take a long time to figure it out or are TRYING to adjust yourself to being slow to figure it out, that seems to be entirely different and I'll leave it to other folks who feel that way to advise.

we had a good conversation, but after he kept sending me love-bomby texts that mafe me cringe (calling me 'love') so I decided not see him again.

Um, yup, this is a legit reason to not see someone again. Don't feel bad on that one.

As for "don't want to kiss him," do you mean "eh" or "ewwwww?" Because if it's the latter, ditch him. If you just don't care right now thinking about it objectively, then try it and see if it works or not, as others said.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:02 PM on March 19

"If I don't feel attracted, how long do I give it?"

I'm going to be the world-weary pessimist here, and say two dates, three dates top. If you're not feeling it by then, it's unlikely to suddenly appear after. And not to suggest you've done this, but key to dating responsibly is not wasting anyone else's time, or using others as proxy-therapy.

Be honest with yourself and those whom you date.
posted by Capt. Renault at 3:41 PM on March 19 [1 favorite]

I relate to your predicament in terms of attachment and attraction patterns. As to your specific query, I often find myself in your situation of being uncertain whether there is attraction, and like others have said, my strategy then is an information-gathering kiss. When I am not sure whether I am attracted to someone or not, kissing them is clarifying one way or the other.
posted by virve at 3:51 PM on March 19 [1 favorite]

+1 just kiss them if you aren't sure, unless either of you isn't into casual kissing for some reason.

also +1 be honest. A guy I liked but didn't feel any chemistry with is now an actual friend of many years standing, and whenever I idly think about how he would be nice to date, I can think of the technically competent but uninspiring kisses we shared and step away from the ledge.
posted by momus_window at 3:51 PM on March 19 [1 favorite]

I think he's kind of cute, but I just don't want to kiss him, and he wants to, and I don't know how long I am supposed to wait until I know I'm not attracted?

Some respondents are saying just kiss him. I'm a guy, and I like to kiss, but I'm also good with an affectionate goodbye kiss on the cheek for a few dates, if you haven't gotten to that point already. See how you feel after a few cheek kisses; if they're fun, one of you should go for more soon. If you don't even like a kiss on the cheek from (or on) this guy, do both of you a favor and move on.
posted by mistersix at 12:23 AM on March 20 [1 favorite]

I want to encourage you to consciously decide to trust yourself. It is very, very common for people to overcorrect on this kind of learning/repatterning path- there is often this idea that because historically intensity=crash and burn=bad, then it must be the case that a relative lack of interest or enthusiasm is a sign that something is good and healthy. There's a lot of pop psych relationship content on the internet that seems to reinforce that, and it can make it really easy to get stuck in your head about your lack of attraction being a sign that you fundamentally lack the ability to pick good partners or that you need to just give the person more of a chance.

I'm here to say that it is 100% the case that even after correcting for the worst case scenario, you're ultimately not going to be into/compatible with most people you date. That is appropriate; it's literally what dating is. It can feel risky when your past experiences have taught you to doubt yourself, but part of truly working your way out of that old patterning is getting to the point where you believe that it's okay and, more than that, good and right to accept what your signals are telling you. Sure, try kissing the one guy if you want. Yes, give someone you generally like a few dates before making a final call. And know that that's enough, and that you don't have to force it if it's not there. Healthy like, in my experience, is still warm and exciting and makes you smile. There is still the active feeling of being enthusiastic about talking to/seeing/learning more about the person. It's just calmer, with more of a sense of safety in being able to take your time rather than diving into the 72-hour first date and moving immediately into being in constant contact or whatever. That doesn't mean boring, that doesn't mean a lack of physical or emotional interest. Try to seriously engage with the possibility that you can actually trust that you'll know when you like somebody and that not being into someone really just means you're not into them. Accepting that you don't like someone who seemed to have potential kind of blows in your 40s when prospects are fewer, but I believe it's the thing that can lead you to something truly right for you.
posted by wormtales at 6:10 AM on March 20 [3 favorites]

When you are used to the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with insecure attachment, connecting with someone in a more secure way is going to seem either scary or (more likely) boring.

You might want to be asking yourself different questions. How do you feel when spending time with this person? Did you enjoy the conversation? Did you feel pressured toward any particular behavior? Did you feel listened to? Can you imagine yourself spending more time with them?

In my journey toward more secure attachment (i'm the same age as you), I've come to the point where i see the butterflies-in-the-stomach obsessive can't-stop-thinking-about-them-and-what-it-would-be-like-to-kiss-them energy as a glaring red flag that my interaction with this person has activated my attachment-wounding system.

The energy between me and my girlfriend now is calm. It was calm the first time we met. We talked and laughed and it felt ... nice? But nice in a 'I feel safe in this' not in the 'meh' way.


I'm also crazy into and attracted to and often in awe of her. Safe is not the same as boring, not by a long shot.
posted by softlord at 11:49 AM on March 28