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August 21, 2012 9:03 PM Subscribe
Do we all need therapy? What in the hell is going on?
posted by themaskedwonder to human relations (40 answers total) 27 users marked this as a favorite
I'm friends with about 5-6 beautiful, talented, and smart girls. They all work in creative fields, all get hit on relentlessly, and can't, for the life of them, find a functional relationship.
We're all early to mid-twenties, and this has been going on for years. Most of us haven't ever been in a truly functional relationship (but we all desire one). We all have a tendency to be involved with, chase, or otherwise pine after emotionally unavailable, constantly "busy," etc. men.
Some examples: Friend's boyfriend of 6 months all of a sudden has "commitment issues" after she decides to move to his city, and instead of dumping him she's trying her hardest to be as low maintenance and non-needy as possible so he won't leave her, making her miserable; other friend continues to pursue (after 6 months) on-off guy who won't commit to her, but tells her they can be exclusive "friends" (wtf?); one gorgeous actress friend keeps jumping from one "busy" executive to another...ad infinitum.
Me? I too chase highly self-absorbed men -- usually successful creatives with traits I wish I had; they often become too "busy" after a month to see me further, or disappear completely without warning after the same amount of time. (I also get extremely anxious when it looks like I'm losing a guy I like, which I know causes me to do stupid things...like point-blank ask him just for sex, even when he seems uninterested in dating.)
Disclaimer: I know we're not special snowflakes. I know dating sucks and this happens to literally everyone at some point. But I'm concerned about this particular group of women, because it's been going on so long and I'm seeing some really unhealthy patterns -- I just can't pinpoint what the exact problem is, and how to address it.
So, give it to me straight, Metafilter: Is it Daddy issues? Low self-esteem/lack of boundaries? Are the stereotypes true and young, urban metropolis-dwelling men only want sex? Are we needy? A bunch of fucking drama queens?
Whatever it is, I don't want to be like this anymore! I'm still reeling after a similar scenario (typical -- went on some lovely dates, slept with the guy, then never hear from him again) and I'm taking a break from men/dating to try to figure out why the hell I keep doing this to myself...but in the meantime, I'd really appreciate your insight. Maybe I can help my girlfriends, too; I hate that we're all so distraught over this.
What concrete steps can we take to get over these hurdles -- or how we can become more attractive (I don't mean in a physical sense) as prospects for committed partnerships? Or do we just need to learn how to screen better?
(Yep, just got back into therapy and am on meds for bipolar II.)