How can I have awesome sex?
June 27, 2008 6:42 PM   Subscribe

[SexFilter] Mindblowing sex. I would like to have some.

I'm in a long term committed relationship with someone I really love. The sex is really nice but I feel like it could be more. We do some kinky stuff (mostly light bondage) and I feel like if there are other kinks I was into she'd be GGG. But the big issue is that the sex sometimes just lacks a sort of animal ferocity.

I guess I'm just looking for some good sex hacks. Fundamentals. In the same way that you can either just make scrambled eggs or elevate it to "the perfect omlette", I'm wondering whether there are techniques, methods, supplements, exercises, or tricks to make even the most vanilla missionary position sizzle.

Also, it'd be cool if I could cum every time. These days, 50% of the time we both get worn out before I do. I sometimes get close and then it feels like something inside me "pulls back" and then when I try to push through to it it's gone. If she cums I usually do immediately afterwards but not always.

Also, how exactly does one raise this with a partner without making it feel like I don't like the sex? I like the sex, I just feel like it could be better.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (21 answers total) 125 users marked this as a favorite

i've always been adventurous and have had a lot of really fantastic sex with a several boyfriends past. but for some reason, the guy i'm dating now—we have the most insane crazy hot sex. like every single time. like the best sex ever for either of us—which is saying a lot for me. neither of us have any idea why. it's not like we are doing anything more or much different than what i've been doing in the past. i think this is one of those things, much like romantic relationships, where the chemistry plays a big part.
posted by violetk at 6:57 PM on June 27, 2008

Do you talk? I've only become brave enough to try this out with my latest woman, and we both find really descriptive raunchy talk adds VERY GOOD THING to the sex. Get her to describe what she's doing, what you are doing, ask if you are fucking her right, etc.

And if you coming is a big thing, add SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS to your talk. Direct her, like in a porn movie, with the goal of her making you come. Make it clear exactly how she should be sucking your cock and fucking you. FUN FUN FUN.
posted by Meatbomb at 7:00 PM on June 27, 2008 [2 favorites]

I suggest biting. You don't have to (and shouldn't) draw blood or anything, just give her a decent bite on the shoulder or the upper bicep. She's GGG for light bondage, she may well be GGG for physical domination as well.

Animal ferocity comes to those who go for it. Good luck.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 7:01 PM on June 27, 2008 [2 favorites]

Imagine yourself having mindblowing sex with the animalistic ferocity you crave. Now think: what's different about it from what you're doing now? If the answer is only the mood, then work on changing the mood within yourself. Fake it until you make it. Develop a more graaaar mode within yourself while scrumping, and gague the reaction this provokes. If it works, you won't have to truly fake it for long.

Variety can make a big difference. Break out of your normal routine. Make sexytime at a different time of day, say when you first wake up. Make out in an elevator. Call her out of the blue and start talking dirty. Share a risque fantasy mid-coitus.

One of my favorite exercises is to have my partner read erotica aloud while I finger her. The trick is, she stops reading, I stop fingering. A simple game, but amazing in practice.
posted by waraw at 7:03 PM on June 27, 2008 [14 favorites]

Kegel excercises for men.
posted by CKmtl at 7:06 PM on June 27, 2008 [1 favorite]

I think you're thinking too much. As an experiment, try not thinking. That might take alcohol or drugs or extreme sleepiness or just the right mood.
posted by rokusan at 7:27 PM on June 27, 2008

Watch a sexy movie together.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:50 PM on June 27, 2008

Go to a, uh, adult toy store. Sex shop. Dildo dealer. You know, one of those. Maybe have a drink or two before hand. It might take a couple of trips before it stops being creepy, and the two of you stop joking about all the weirdos. Then you'll start buying stuff. Then going home and having fun with it.
posted by MrMoonPie at 7:55 PM on June 27, 2008

(I'm going to assume that you are a guy; if you aren't, hopefully some of this will apply in some way anyway.)

Do you jerk off? Stop. Not forever, just until you are reliably coming from sex with her. Think of it as retraining your body or a "sex hack" or whatever keeps you from pulling the pud, but stop for the time being. Your only sexual release should come from or with her -- if it involves your hand, if she's not an active participant you don't get to do it.

Then, my real advice is to have lots of sex. Practice makes perfect, you know? So get it on a lot. Lots and lots and lots. Always say "yes" rather than "no" or "later" unless you have just had major surgery or are actively infectious. Have enough sex that you guys giggle about it and it hurts to walk and when someone you know complains about not getting enough you can have that smug look of "dude, I get laid all the time." Quickies are good, and totally count as sex -- not every encounter has to be an epic event that you will tell your grandkids about. You just want to be totally familiar with each others' bodies and how they work, and you get that familiarity through practice and repetition.

Now that you are having lots of sex, start experimenting with the minor variations that make different positions work or not. Yes, you should be having sex (assuming that it feels good, you don't have physical barriers, etc) in the major positions -- you on top, her on top, from behind, etc. But what you should be doing is getting into the minor changes in each that make it totally different. So, for example, with you on top, experiment with having her knees up and down; you up on your hands or your face in her neck; her hips angled up or down; her legs outside or inside of yours; and on and on and on. Why? Partly just for variation and to give the two of you a much broader physical "language" of sex, but mostly to let you see what works for the two of you, given the shapes of your bodies and your preferences and so on.

Do this for each major position -- find the small changes that work, and the ones that don't but are fun, and the ones that really suck. This is maybe easier if one of you is a take-charge person and can give orders (like "ass up, face down!" or whatever) but a totally mutual experimentation will work fine, just less efficient sometimes.

Assuming again that you are a guy, I would really really urge you to get good at getting her off. Most guys (I am told) aren't actually all that good at reliably producing orgasms for their partners. Get good at that (or if she is non-orgasmic, get good at making her feel so good that she doesn't know if she came or not), and you are 90% of the way there at making sex with you really stand out. What that means is totally different for each person -- maybe get good with your hands, or use your mouth, or stand her on her head and pound like an angry carpenter, or whatever works. Don't be afraid to bring in the mechanical cavalry -- a vibrator is not a threat to your masculinity.

Don't just ask her "what do you like?" "what turns you on?" "was that good for you?" -- get good at reading her body language to figure out what works and what doesn't. Don't worry if there are contradictions -- go with what works, and enjoy the benefits of that, and look for consistency later. Figure out her cycle and what she likes when. Her body will change, and what feels good this week may not feel great next week. Figure it out and get ahead of the curve so she isn't always having to reeducate you. Know her better than she knows herself.

Lastly, my experience has been that heightening emotional intimacy brings hotter sex. Yes, YMMV, everyone is different, etc. But this is why, for me, one night stands are generally pretty mediocre, and long term sex is hawt-hawt-hawt. There's an old joke that the best foreplay is doing the dishes -- you don't need to get into clichés like that, but it is true that turning her on and having hot sex starts long before you get into her pants at night. For many people, making her feel loved and appreciated and so on all the time will produce some pretty stunning sex -- don't wait to turn on the charm until you are trying to get laid on Friday night. So do all the little things that make you a totally awesome boyfriend for the 23.75 hours a day that you aren't having sex, and let those good feelings carry you through the humping.
posted by Forktine at 8:28 PM on June 27, 2008 [72 favorites]

Also, how exactly does one raise this with a partner without making it feel like I don't like the sex? I like the sex, I just feel like it could be better.

Missed this.

My advice? Focus on doing first, and only later worry about the talking. Everything I wrote above (maybe with the exception of getting it on so much that you can't walk straight) can be done unilaterally -- you don't need to talk to her at all about any of it. You just do, and learn, and improve, and learn some more.

At some point, you will have things you want her to do, or there will be something that will need to be talked about. But for right now, with everything under your control (meaning your actions, not her reactions), you can just focus on the doing, and leave the talking for later.
posted by Forktine at 9:00 PM on June 27, 2008 [1 favorite]

Meatbomb's instructions are pretty much exactly what I would have written. Whenever I'm with my fella thinking "oh man, it's really hot when he does that..." I make it a point to try to do some similar thing in return. Not like we both like the same things but the sense of being with someone who is eager to please and be pleased is itself a turn on. Really, when it works right it just reflects and amplifies the "this is hawt" vibe over and over and allows it to sort of crash like a wave over the two of you.

Don't just ask her "what do you like?" "what turns you on?" "was that good for you?"

Agreed. Similarly, the more specific you can be, the more you can say "do you like it when I/we do this?" "would you like me to put this there?" can make the times you do ask a lot more fruitful.
posted by jessamyn at 9:06 PM on June 27, 2008 [2 favorites]

Considering the wide, wide differences in what makes each of us go into animal rutting mode, I doubt there are any good hacks to give you. My best experience has been with trying as wide a variety of toys/positions/kinks as strikes the fancy and being sure to say when it doesn't do anything for me and when it does, as well as asking my partner what they did/didn't like about the new thing we tried. It's important to really be honest about this and to stay positive, so that your partner knows *they* make you hot, but this or that thing didn't do the trick.

My second point of advice would be to give new things you try a fair shake. This is especially true of new positions/places to have sex---you need to get comfortable in order to really get off, and usually the first time it's about learning how to make it work for you both.
posted by lacedback at 9:58 PM on June 27, 2008

After 12 years of marriage where the sex has only gotten better I can only add this:

Establish the rule that each of you are in charge of your own orgasm and the other must obey the directives of this rule. Like everybody said above be explicit.

Don't fuck in a bed.

Don't fuck laying down.

Don't fuck as much at night. If you do the lights stay on and do it early—not at bed time.

Always try to fuck when it might make you late for something.

Keep 25% of your clothes on (except, and this can not be stressed enough, for socks - unless they are not your feet).

Be hungry for each other. I mean HUNGRY. Tell her "I'm hungry for you. I want you to be hungry for me." Once you start thinking of sex as a feast you tend to cut loose.



Good luck, soldier.
posted by tkchrist at 10:07 PM on June 27, 2008 [67 favorites]

Don't fuck as much at night. If you do the lights stay on and do it early—not at bed time.

This is good advice. Waiting till bedtime can often mean you're tired, less inclined to focus on each other, and more likely just to settle for the seemingly obligatory pre-sleep roll in the hay. "Sex before dinner!" is a good motto to follow, at least some of the time.
posted by scody at 10:42 PM on June 27, 2008 [2 favorites]

I'd start by trying to stop having perfect sex. The pressure from that makes you "hold back"
posted by Ironmouth at 11:15 PM on June 27, 2008

Eat very dark chocolate. Eat more. Eat ginger, ginseng, spicy foods. Write sexy stories to each other. Express yourself. Talk. Talk more. Don't talk - learn to enjoy healthy silence as much as possible. Hide surprises for each other places - notes, treats, snacks, naughty letters, pictures. Wrestle. Wrestle in flowers, wrestle in pudding. Try new things. Go to modern theater or to museums. Choose daring subjects. Stir your mind and soul - boredom is for the unimaginative and lazy! The more you stir, the more new things you'll discover externally and internally.

Practice sharing energy. Learn about sexual energy, learn about love, learn about friendship - and observe and note how the three overlap and shift and slide around with each other, the boundaries undefinable except on a case-by-case, person-by-person, minute-by-minute basis. Learn to shift modes between them at will and mix them all up together.

Learn the modern, contemporary practices of Tantra - but follow your own spirit and intuition. Learn the differences between need, lust, longing, love, and more. Learn the differences between giving and taking energy and then learn how to do both at once at will.

Learn how to turn all that energy that you focus on your partner to "universal love". Rather than directing it at a target, let it flow from you like light in all directions, while also accepting light from all directions. Together, become explosive, everlasting supernovas of love and energy. Light the world with your love, light up the whole universe.

Practice indulgence. Then practice denial. Consider week or month-long tableau. Consider no contact at all for a week. Chastity belts. No making out. Push your boundaries into terrible agony and longing, then let it all go, burst the dam with glee, letting the floods pour out.

But wait, not just yet. Bathe and groom yourself. Dress nice. Call out for a very nice, light dinner, or make something. Pull out your partner's chair. Sit down politely. Be warm, but not distant or aloof. Begin eating quietly. Then start touching hands while you eat, watching each other. Share bites of food. Make noises of appreciation, talk about how good the food is. Slowly move from being polite to being decadent. Sit on one each other's lap and share tastes and morsels. Clutch at each other lustfully, teasing and touching more and more.

Don't finish dinner. Now. Now give in. There should be rending of clothes, wild kisses, falling over on the table and half-empty plates, knocking the vase off, guttered candles spilling warm wax, dishes crashing to the floor. Clothes and table linens and dishes can be replaced - but time and great sex cannot.

Explore your fetishes and desires. Fetishes are power objects. They make you feel sexy, turned on, hot. Is it feet? A delicate turn of the ankle? A man or woman in uniform? Is it a particular texture or fabric? Velvet? Satin? Vinyl? Leather? What really gets your motors running? Can they be integrated into the same scenes, or will you have to take turns?

Or how about a particular scenario? There are far too many to count. Pretend to be other people to release yourselves from inhibitions and learned patterns of behavior. Hot for teacher? Or does making the shy, nerdy helpdesk tech blush do it for you? How about ninjas? Airline pilot? Policeman/policewoman? Blushing bride? Astronauts? Blushing astronaut ninja bride? Whatever it is, it's not very likely to be new, unusual or even all that silly. And anyway, we're all silly creatures, so it's ok. Explore, discover, communicate - even if one focuses on a particular scenario, variations on a theme are infinite.

If you're into BDSM or power exchange play - join a group. Watch demonstrations. BDSM is interesting because it's almost entirely open-ended. Some are into pleasure as pleasure, or pain as pain, or pain as pleasure, and even others are into pleasure as pain. There are obvious as well as subtle differences between them, and the gradients between. Sharps spanks with a paddle followed immediately by "nerve gating" inducing caresses can be excruciatingly exquisite for one person, while others actually want to push themselves, seeking heavier endorphin releases. For some it's all visual or tactile play - the toys and trappings themselves are exciting - while others don't care one way or the other for traditional BDSM/leather aesthetics as long as there's lots of action. Others want a velvet touch and want to be gently, lovingly teased until long past the point that they can't take it anymore and then some, pushing the boundaries of pleasure itself.

Above all - communicate freely. Share. Talk about things, before, during and after. Be explicit. Be specific. And then go for it with all of your heart and soul. There are few things more sublime in this world, and those few things are often art or music that was all inspired by all of this good stuff, anyway.

Also this bears repeating: I'd start by trying to stop having perfect sex.

There's no such thing as "perfect sex" any more than there is a "perfect" sunset, or a "perfect" painting, or a "perfect" poem. There is no single, ultimate way to anything about a life well lived, especially with regards to sex.

But you'll know when it's really, really good. I promise you. You won't remember these words, then, because you'll be too busy whiskering out the very edges of the limits of yourself and your partner, eyes wide and bright but losing focus, lost in dripping stardust and fireworks and all the sensations of one truly set free.
posted by loquacious at 2:00 AM on June 28, 2008 [43 favorites]

Just one thing to add... if you're open-minded about your ass, then you might want to check out the Aneros, a prostate-stimulating device.

I've had sex with a partner that had one of those in, and it is phenomenally fun for both parties. I realized I wasn't actually 100% responsible for making him howl like a beast and shake like a leaf, but I felt like a rockstar anyway.

Plus... it's totally silent, it doesn't get in the way, it's not shaped like some ridiculously glittery farm animal, and it doesn't need to be operated... your natural muscle movements do all the work. It is win, win, win.
posted by Gianna at 3:41 AM on June 28, 2008 [3 favorites]

This works for me: institute a fast. Sometimes I'll say, "Let's try not having any sex for a month" and I swear I've never made the whole month. Usually, barring illness, we last a week at the most, and it's so filled with tension and frustration that the release is unreal. You tease each other, tantalize, provoke, simply because you know you can't have it and,well, I want to make my partner be the first to crack. :) It heightens the interest.

This is different than "just not having sex for a week" because your busy. This is "I know I can't have it, therefore i want it MORE". Once you've made that agreement that no sex is in the cards, then all of a sudden things become more interesting.

Good luck!
posted by absquatulate at 10:03 AM on June 28, 2008 [2 favorites]

This thread already has so many awesome answers...
1. getting the kink out of your partner: definitely communication is so important here. There's no real replacement for that, but certainly filthy suggestive movies/music/art/people/comics/cartoons/books/short stories/places help. Theres a good reason why that "Rock and Roll" genre of music is so popular. Hell virtually every genre of music ever of all time has a pretty good amount of filth in it. But I mean take naked pictures of each other, go somewhere wearing skintight leather jeans, go some where with friends and try to get to 3rd base every opportunity you can. The only other thing about that is heat of the moment is worth a lot. Maybe shes not normally into role playing some sadistic fantasy, but she is when you guys are 20 minutes in. Theres actually some book, I think its called "My Secret Garden," that is all about sexual fantasies written by a female. I don't think its very good but a lot of erotica writers swear by it.

2. Technique: Again the obvious and clear answer is experimentation. The difference between her leaning forward on top vs backward might be hitting her g-spot. Read about the "coital alignment technique." I'm reading the book "She Comes First," which is all about oral sex. It seems pretty good so far. Definitely different people definitely react to different positions/moves/whatever differently. Kegel exercises for both all involved are definitely good. Yoga/general cardio is probably good for flexibility/stamina reasons. The obviously supplement is Viagra? I guess various recreational drugs have certain reputations. There are tons of little tips you'll read around such as crossing your fingers and turning them like a corkscrew when fingering a girl -not bad, sucking on a menthol drop before oral sex - careful about yeast infections, position the girl sideways pushing the legs in to her chest while you stay vertical- pretty good. And there are a million more and sometimes they are good for you two and other times they are not.

3. Cumming every time: That may be something you would want to talk to a sex therapist about. Maybe a change in condoms, sexual frequency, diet, masturbation, anxiety, etc etc could help, but its really really hard to address. Here like this.

I don't think you should be worried to talk about this this with your partner. That's a good first step of communication and all that. There is a lot of focus on the actual sex, but and I believe sex writers call it "outercourse" is really key. Massages, candles, setting the mood and all that are really important. This isn't always possible, but you want the sex to be the sole focus of whats going on, not "did I feed the dog? do we need to get the lock fixed? Oh shit we need to hurry up so we can get to the supermarket." I read from article recently that during the female orgasm the mind just entirely blanks, and so its important that fear/anxiety are minimized/gone. Basically you want the situation to be as relaxed, sensual, and pleasure-focused as possible.

But maybe this is all over thinking it. Throw on some Prince/Lords of Acid/Rolling Stones/Belle & Sebastian or whatever puts gives you a dirty mind. For me its the Pipettes.
posted by ihope at 1:08 PM on June 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

Okay, everybody relax. Here I am. Mwa ha ha. *has awesome sex while typing this, just accidental like*

I take a startlingly practical, goal oriented approach to sexual pleasure, and damned if it's not effective. Here's the basics.

1. Read the menu, and try everything on it. Not once. Not twice. Till you love it. Like your olfactory palette, your sexual palette needs to be introduced to new flavors repeatedly, to figure out the pattern of electricity they're generating in your brain, and only later can you get a grip on those sensations deftly enough to control the wavelengths of their pleasure and max out the amplitude. This is scientific; I've done the research. You've said you're looking for new kinks. Write them down. Each idea you come up with should not just be attempted once to see if it causes a spark, but worked on as a goal. Ergo, the jist should not be "try a buttplug," but "come from the use of a buttplug," or "achieve female ejaculation." Golly, that might take all day!

2. Be healthy. Hydrated, hearty, hot and happy with your partner. Again for emphasis: BE HOT. All the time. Figure it out. Never fuck with tension in the room, gah I can't even type this politely, so I'll be blunt: that's for fucking losers. If you can't maintain honesty and vulnerability, keep your clothes on or you'll really hurt somebody.

3. Know your equipment.

BRAIN: Chart your general arousal and orgasmic ability. I personally find that gaps in my orgasm schedule create effects that are only rarely usable for ultimate orgasmic increase in the kinky withholding way I wish they were. The fact is, daily may be best, and every other day may be best, and five times during one week and none in the next may be best. Personally, after three days my orgasmic potential deadens somewhat, going into a bit of a hibernatory state, and after five, oh Jesus, touching my clit brings out some kind of hellbeast of fury that requires a blood sacrifice, usually with a lot of melodramatic weeping, scratching and (natch) self-flagellation. I dunno if male "blue balls" gets that way, I would guess so from the state of the world today, but anyway, WHY FIND OUT? It's not worth it! Just fuck regularly. Oh yeah baby, I want that sexual Metamucil. Also: how many in a row and in what order? When I think of sex as "mindblowing," it's usually after a couple or a handful of distinct types of orgasms have come my way: the engine, the cattle car, the passenger car and finally that clacky old caboose. If you put the caboose first, the train's not going anywhere... iykwim. But how many orgasms can you string together? Let's place bets.

JUNK: Are you using the muscles? Kegels get a lot of play, but Male PC muscle tone doesn't get much mention. When both partners have good muscle control, the feelings created scintillatingly simulate cocksucking and cum-pumping respectively... conversationally. The ability to rub and caress one another without anything but your A tab and B slot themselves? Add a little on topic talk, and it's intercourse at last. It kind of reminds me of the first time I drank Vin De Glaciere, and I thought "Oh, this is what I always thought wine would taste like as a child; the platonic ideal of wine."

TOYS: Only the best. My two best friends just went into business doing Passion Parties, and I am THE WORST guest. So much useless crap. Creams and Jellytoys are shit, shit, shit. Okay maybe I'm a snob, but functionality is king, and I think a lot of people get downright disillusioned with sextoys because of all the pointless ones. Find what you like and buy several. Not all vibrators are equal. For the umpteenth time here in AskMe, I'll tout Blowfish, whose reviews are for real. Also, I'll tout these because damn are they awesome. Oh add to cart also.

YOUR ACT: Keep the attitude and the vocabulary fluid. I think I'll call this game Cunt Cunt Pussy. Saying the same stuff over and over again gets dull. Sometimes the dirtiest talk isn't dirty at all any more. Reverting to age 20, 15 or 9 in your verbal response to stimulation is, of course, a great fucking time. Give a running commentary on what you see with your eyes closed. This is a personal favorite for me and now you've all fucked me, but oh well, you're cute. It's awesome. Fox kits and leaded glass windows and gull wings and sugar snap peas. Trip out on that, trip out on other stuff. GHB, Pot, high doses of sugar! Fuck with The Facts Of Life on the tv. Pretend you're someone else. Pretend anything! Pretend jointly or secretly! Pretend and confess you've been pretending you're Laura Ingalls Wilder in the middle of the Long Winter. Whatever! Hmm. I wonder if sex with me is like playing Whose Line. Well, it oughta be funny and sometimes Ryan Stiles is in it so there you go. I'm getting punchy. Deep breaths.

4. Know your partner. Know how much couple sex, hell, group sex, and how much solo sex is best for your sexual relationship. Talk about that. I think a lot of people are a little lazy and don't bring their A game to bed once they've settled into an relationship where solo masturbation is allowed carte blanche. Yeah, you can have privacy about that, but maybe it should be talked though so expectations are crystal clear.

Those are my hacks and fundamentals.

Go, fucker, go! ;P
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 11:38 AM on June 29, 2008 [20 favorites]

Try sleeping naked (both of you) just in case some kind of nocturnal urge grabs you. Being able to act on those impulsively can be very hot.
posted by scarabic at 12:42 PM on October 5, 2008 [1 favorite]

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