How to balance need for quality friendship vs. extreme auhd introversion
February 24, 2024 6:04 PM Subscribe
How do I balance my seeking out of new quality partners or friends with my comfort seeking of being alone most of my free time
Because I no longer have best friends near me, I often feel lonely when I do feel up to doing an activity. However, meeting new people is an activity I despise. I cannot stand small talk or crowds or meetups where I will have to chat with new people. At the same time, I'm demisexual and I'm trying to put myself out there on a few queer dating apps. I have found success in initially meeting several people already but I'm deeply disappointed because I've already been ghosted by a few people, one person has to step back because their gf broke up with them the day after she and I met and she didn't feel in the space to be casual activity partners. Then it's very common that it takes lots of effort to really vibe with someone.
So at this point I tend to give up on trying and just get back into my comfort zone of work, single parenting, and the little personal time I have watching shows and staying home.
I think I might try to go to a queer crafting meetup which sounds like my jam because I can just focus on crafting and not have to just do small talk. But I'm just wondering how other folks deal with this?
I definitely feel something in me has personally broke because our world is completely broken as well. (I don't need therapy to unpack this. We live in a.shit time and of course I'm depressed) but because of this feeling, I dgaf about small talk, insincere friendships. I have cut off many acquaintances or relatives and at the same time people have cut themselves off from me. So I'm also dealing with the reckoning of that.
Because I no longer have best friends near me, I often feel lonely when I do feel up to doing an activity. However, meeting new people is an activity I despise. I cannot stand small talk or crowds or meetups where I will have to chat with new people. At the same time, I'm demisexual and I'm trying to put myself out there on a few queer dating apps. I have found success in initially meeting several people already but I'm deeply disappointed because I've already been ghosted by a few people, one person has to step back because their gf broke up with them the day after she and I met and she didn't feel in the space to be casual activity partners. Then it's very common that it takes lots of effort to really vibe with someone.
So at this point I tend to give up on trying and just get back into my comfort zone of work, single parenting, and the little personal time I have watching shows and staying home.
I think I might try to go to a queer crafting meetup which sounds like my jam because I can just focus on crafting and not have to just do small talk. But I'm just wondering how other folks deal with this?
I definitely feel something in me has personally broke because our world is completely broken as well. (I don't need therapy to unpack this. We live in a.shit time and of course I'm depressed) but because of this feeling, I dgaf about small talk, insincere friendships. I have cut off many acquaintances or relatives and at the same time people have cut themselves off from me. So I'm also dealing with the reckoning of that.
Yes, meetup activities, adult ed classes, and/or volunteering are great, because you have something to do besides smalltalk. Folks will chat, of course, but you can get know people without the awkward "getting to know you" focus. If you're fannish about something, fannish groups are also awesome, because everyone can discuss and enthuse about the music/show/anime as a focus, and if you choose the fannishness around something you like, chances there will be other folks like you in that group (or at least in my experience, fannish people tend to skew queer and queer-friendly, with lots of non-neurotypical folks).
Go you for asking this - it's so easy for people like us to throw up our hands in frustration and avoid humans until interacting with them gets progressively more difficult. But the good ones remind us of why, try as we might, we not only can't really live without 'em (humans, that is), but we don't want to try, because they're so fun.
posted by ldthomps at 8:05 PM on February 24 [2 favorites]
Go you for asking this - it's so easy for people like us to throw up our hands in frustration and avoid humans until interacting with them gets progressively more difficult. But the good ones remind us of why, try as we might, we not only can't really live without 'em (humans, that is), but we don't want to try, because they're so fun.
posted by ldthomps at 8:05 PM on February 24 [2 favorites]
The craft meetup thing is a great idea and it's how I have most of my current immediate social circle. Once a week I go to the art group and catch up with my friends, and if I'm concentrating on my current project nobody hassles me because I'm in the Zone. And if it doesn't work for you maybe try a different group?
posted by HypotheticalWoman at 12:48 AM on February 25 [2 favorites]
posted by HypotheticalWoman at 12:48 AM on February 25 [2 favorites]
Not sure if this is useful, but one thing I've learnt is that ND friendship can have a very different rhythm to NT friendship, and that sometimes we can misjudge relationships because we view them through an NT frame.
For example, how close a friendship is, might be judged differently for you than for most people.
You might not need to see the other person frequently for them to be a good, close friend, and vice versa, they might see you as a valued friend even if contact between you is slower / less frequent than NT people expect.
So while it's great to make an effort to meet new people and work on those relationships, you might not actually need to work quite so hard, if you can let go of external expectations of what friendship is supposed to look like.
posted by Zumbador at 3:15 AM on February 25 [3 favorites]
For example, how close a friendship is, might be judged differently for you than for most people.
You might not need to see the other person frequently for them to be a good, close friend, and vice versa, they might see you as a valued friend even if contact between you is slower / less frequent than NT people expect.
So while it's great to make an effort to meet new people and work on those relationships, you might not actually need to work quite so hard, if you can let go of external expectations of what friendship is supposed to look like.
posted by Zumbador at 3:15 AM on February 25 [3 favorites]
I think the crafting meet-up is a solid idea. Meet-ups (movie nights, board games, concerts, etc.) offer a good framework for meeting new people: a shared topic of conversation; a defined length of time for the activity; predictable conversational "beats" within that span of time.
Small talk was off-putting to me, too; I found it insincere, often inscrutable, and a real time-waster. (That I had no natural aptitude for it whatsoever built the foundation for these beliefs.)
Customs don't arise in a vacuum, though, and many people employ small talk as the first step in forging deeper connections.
If you try visualizing the sort of conversations you'd like to have as warm, interesting, substantial chats conducted from cozy armchairs, consider small talk as the floor supporting those chairs. Making small talk helps the other person feel more secure.
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:38 AM on February 25 [2 favorites]
Small talk was off-putting to me, too; I found it insincere, often inscrutable, and a real time-waster. (That I had no natural aptitude for it whatsoever built the foundation for these beliefs.)
Customs don't arise in a vacuum, though, and many people employ small talk as the first step in forging deeper connections.
If you try visualizing the sort of conversations you'd like to have as warm, interesting, substantial chats conducted from cozy armchairs, consider small talk as the floor supporting those chairs. Making small talk helps the other person feel more secure.
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:38 AM on February 25 [2 favorites]
I feel the same way; developing close relationships means torturing myself with unpleasant activities. So I'd duck in and out of friend making activities as I had the energy, and when I did make a friend, I put in significant effort to maintain the friendships.
For me, it was easier (and less unpleasant) to develop the kinds of relationships I wanted one-on-one, so I mostly met people via dating or friendship apps. It did mean a lot of frustrating experiences but it was a choose your poison situation.
It took years of intermittent effort as I had the energy for it, but I did eventually manage to develop as much of a social life as I can handle. So all is not lost even if you can't imagine doing it all at once.
posted by metasarah at 4:30 PM on February 25 [2 favorites]
For me, it was easier (and less unpleasant) to develop the kinds of relationships I wanted one-on-one, so I mostly met people via dating or friendship apps. It did mean a lot of frustrating experiences but it was a choose your poison situation.
It took years of intermittent effort as I had the energy for it, but I did eventually manage to develop as much of a social life as I can handle. So all is not lost even if you can't imagine doing it all at once.
posted by metasarah at 4:30 PM on February 25 [2 favorites]
our world is completely broken as well. (I don't need therapy to unpack this. We live in a.shit time and of course I'm depressed)
It’s possible to have these beliefs and still not be depressed or personally broken — I’m proof (and I think there are a lot of us). If you’d like to not be depressed, I hope you’ll pursue that wish despite how broken the world is.
posted by daisyace at 5:34 PM on March 30 [1 favorite]
It’s possible to have these beliefs and still not be depressed or personally broken — I’m proof (and I think there are a lot of us). If you’d like to not be depressed, I hope you’ll pursue that wish despite how broken the world is.
posted by daisyace at 5:34 PM on March 30 [1 favorite]
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E.g. a craft, boardgaming, tree identification walks, tree planting, judo, yoga or other fitness thing, a pagan meet up or full moon circle, etc.
Absolutely find an activity you can focus on primarily, and kind of allow yourself to be pleasant to everyone there without worrying too much about the social interaction, because you're there for the activity.
posted by Elysum at 6:17 PM on February 24 [4 favorites]