Did she take the easy way out?

July 2, 2010 11:02 AM

Did she just take the easy way out or am I just that guy? About 8 months ago I started talking to a girl I have known for many years. She is 7 years younger than me and I never noticed her until boom she magically grew up. I always thought she was a loser ( hung around with the wrong crowd made bad choices). We began talking every so often then it turned into a daily ritual txt, fb, and phone call situation once she got rid of her BF. I slowly began to develop feelings and we started hangin out when....

The shortest version........When we started to hang out it was amazing to the point she couldn't deny it. Nothing happend between us like that but we had become great friends amazing I should say. The click factor was definatly there and it got to the point where we talked about it and laughed about it but her response was, "I don't want to loose the friendship." being a guy i took this to mean what it normally does 1.SHES JUST NOT THAT INTO ME 2. no warm fuzzies 3. not attracted to me in that way. Upon furthur investigation of the above 3 I come to find out she would say how she is atracted to me and that she would be with me if she didnt have to fear getting hurt. Understandable, so I set out with new confidence and backed off to see if maybe it would just happen on its own. One day we went for Ice cream with her niece. She came and picked me up we drove around till we found a DQ and had a blast laughing and carrying on. She drops me off and later I realize she has changed her FB Status to "in a relationship" and my name wasnt listed below..... needless to say i didnt handle that well and i have cut off communication, it has been about 45 days and I still cant shake it. She begs me back into her life as a friend. Am I right for walking away? I truly believe in my heart she took the easy way out, the option that she could walk from and not get hurt. I believe she wants me in her life to get everything she cant get from him and was hiding it the whole time. Should I mend the friendship and chalk the chance at more as a loss or hold my ground? I struggle moving on cause nothing else interests me like her! Ive been in love and been in relationships but up untill this point I felt I had experienced everything and was just waiting to bump into Mrs. Right now im scared to death i found her and im screwed!!! help??

posted by SleeveHearted to human relations (36 answers total)

No means no. That's what she told you.
posted by Rory Marinich at 11:05 AM on July 2, 2010 [4 favorites]

What? She just wasn't that into you. Maybe she found you physically attractive, and enjoyed you as a friend, but that doesn't mean she's into you. You know this. Her finding someone she wants to be with is NOT the easy way out. If you don't want to be just friends with her, that's fine, but it's 100% on you, not on her.
posted by brainmouse at 11:06 AM on July 2, 2010

She's not Ms. Right, because if she was you'd know it already. If you're not sure you like someone, you don't really like them. Way too much drama. You were never dating, no one ever promised anyone else fidelity. She's totally justified in having her new boyfriend, you're totally justified in feeling whatever way you want to about it. Neither of you owes the other anything. If it's painful to you to be her friend, say no when she asks you, and stop answering her calls.
posted by Nixy at 11:08 AM on July 2, 2010

I kind of have been in her position in the past and I'm sorry to say this but get over it. She likes you but she doesn't want to have sex with you. So just friends. She didn't tell you because she knew you'd ne hurt. No kudos for her there.
posted by uauage at 11:11 AM on July 2, 2010

I agree with brainmouse. Decide whether or not you want to and are capable of being friends with her when she is with someone else. If not, walk away. That part's on you. It seems that she would still be willing to be friends with you, but that's it- friends.
posted by kch at 11:11 AM on July 2, 2010 [2 favorites]

Love is* being able to believe this:

I truly believe in my heart she took the easy way out, the option that she could walk from and not get hurt.

and be glad that she made the decision that worked for her, even if it's not the decision you wanted her to make.

Try being loving towards her, accepting her decision, and taking care of yourself at the same time.

There is no room here for you to blame her, and there is no need for anyone to be wrong.


*at least in part!
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 11:13 AM on July 2, 2010

Im sorta on the same page with you kch yet as soon as we talk or discuss anything it goes right back to where we were and its crazy. uauage you make a great point too She just wants to have sex with him and everything else with me. It is way to much drama and all a game that for some reason im addicted to. There is not one day i dont think about her or relate soemthing to her im %^&(*& in the head. You all are helping though.... :)
posted by SleeveHearted at 11:17 AM on July 2, 2010

She might just want to have a boyfriend AND a male friend.

From what you're telling us it doesn't seem like she's playing games, it seems like she was pretty upfront with you and is being upfront with you now when she wants to be friends with you. You seem to be determined to treat her behavior as some kind of character flaw, or like she's doing something wrong. I don't really get that.

Of course, we don't know her, so that might be why I don't understand where you're coming from.

Either way, it sounds like it was a good choice to stop talking to her.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 11:21 AM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

She wants to keep you dangling on the hook as a backup in case this new relationship doesn't work out - but it doesn't mean she will date you if/when that relationship ends. She picked some other guy because she liked him more than you. We can't see inside her head to tell whether she actually might have been interested in a relationship with you or not, but you were giving her attention she liked receiving - why would she want to give that up? The crappy part is this has the potential to really drive you nuts with longing - and then even if she does break up with the guy, will she continue being 'just friends' with you until she finds someone else to date?

Either way, you've seemed to cross over into the realm of infatuation and that isn't a good scene. Being friends with her would just be painful for you. You were right to walk away. Stay away and give it time.
posted by lizbunny at 11:22 AM on July 2, 2010 [2 favorites]

So your friend says "not interested, lets be friends" you say "ok" but are really trying to get her attracted to you. Then she gets a boyfriend and you flip your shit and cut off all contact. That doesn't sound like what friends do.

Normally I'd agree you need to decide if you can actually be her friend or if it's too much for you to deal with, but in this case it's probably for the best if you leave her alone.
posted by anti social order at 11:22 AM on July 2, 2010 [8 favorites]

She just wants to have sex with him and everything else with me

Err, no, I don't think that's what uauage was saying at all. She doesn't want to have sex or a relationship with you. She just wants to be friends.

Yeah, she may have led you on a little bit, but then again maybe she didn't. From your description it sounds like she told you "no" a lot of times, and you kept dismissing them as excuses. Accept that there is no inevitable force drawing you together, she just doesn't see you that way.
posted by Think_Long at 11:24 AM on July 2, 2010 [8 favorites]

Do you want to be her friend, even if you will never ever get to sleep with her or marry her?

Then be her friend.

Do you want to only be her friend if there's a good chance that you will eventually get to sleep with her or marry her?

Then don't be her friend, because she's chosen not to date you and to date someone else instead.

Do you want to only be her friend if there's some slim chance she'll eventually get over her fears, get over herself or come to truly love you as much as you love her and sleep with you or marry you?

Life is not a romantic comedy.
posted by jacquilynne at 11:26 AM on July 2, 2010 [10 favorites]

There is not one day i dont think about her or relate soemthing to her im %^&(*& in the head. You all are helping though.... :)

You need time and space. The only thing that can help you get over her is time away from her. Maybe you can be friends with her later, but not while you have feelings for her. Take up a new hobby, distract yourself, and try not to think about her. Don't take her calls or answer her emails if she keeps bugging you after you explain that you just can't talk to her right now.
posted by Nixy at 11:27 AM on July 2, 2010

OK so maybe this is me being blind stubborn and a dumb male but I don't see or rember a time I got a NO???? am I not expalining? is there stuff i didnt explain well in the narrative? My main problem is i havent got a no from her????
posted by SleeveHearted at 11:33 AM on July 2, 2010

Based on what you wrote about her, she doesn't seem like a bad person - certainly not one to warrant cutting off all communication with, just for finding someone she has a romantic interest in. It's very possible (and healthy!) to have close friends of either gender, even ones you find attractive. And when you two are having tons of fun hanging out, it doesn't necessarily mean that you're becoming relationship material for her, even if there's some sex appeal involved. You could be having an amazing time with someone, all while knowing that there's no long-term compatibility. So getting further involved can indeed lead to getting hurt. There's some sense to it.

If you can't put aside your attraction for her, you need to let her know that you're cutting off ties in order to protect yourself: "I've had some feelings for you, and I admit that hanging out now that you're in a relationship is kind of hurtful. I feel like I need to distance myself for a while to get my emotions in order." And then follow through with that, distracting yourself from thoughts of her as much as possible. Move on with your life, but be graceful and honest.
posted by Tequila Mockingbird at 11:34 AM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

My main problem is i havent got a no from her????

"I don't want to loose the friendship" can often be construed as a no.

And you're not blind, stubborn and a dumb male. This shit sucks and it is confusing for eveybody.
posted by Think_Long at 11:36 AM on July 2, 2010 [2 favorites]

SleeveHearted: "OK so maybe this is me being blind stubborn and a dumb male but I don't see or rember a time I got a NO???? am I not expalining? is there stuff i didnt explain well in the narrative? My main problem is i havent got a no from her????"

But "I don't want to lose the friendship" is a NO. It's not a yes, it's not a maybe. It's "I don't want this to change from a friendship to something else."
posted by Tequila Mockingbird at 11:37 AM on July 2, 2010 [6 favorites]

My main problem is i havent got a no from her????

This is because you never asked her out.

Also, when she started dating someone else, that was a "no."
posted by Nixy at 11:38 AM on July 2, 2010 [7 favorites]

You might have ended up in this situation. Despite it being an Onion parody, it exists in real life and it's no fun. Cutting off contact, as you did, might be the best thing in the long run.
posted by teg4rvn at 11:43 AM on July 2, 2010 [3 favorites]

Tequila you have made some marvalous observations...... I will have to ponder this for a moment to fully accept it but you make the most sense so far!! My problem is i dont think i can emotionaly or physically handel hearing, seeing or thinking about the other dude in the picture cause naturally hes a terrible fit for her in my eyes. I like to think id be a Man and except if the dude was a better choice than me but knowing all i know about him i cant help but say "she is taking the easy way out" choosing something that will never hurt her because he doesnt mean enough to leave a scar. She has told him that He will never mean as much to her as I do and he can hit the road if he doesnt accept that!! this shit is coming from her! (and her family as a first hand whitnesses) im so lost i dont wanna give up but i dont know how to fight. I have asked for a direct NO. I have asked her to tell me the truth EX...she doesnt want a relationship..... or that she never sees me as more...... she will not give me that she wont cut the rope! I believe it is up to me to do something with the dam rope .......... UGH shit!
posted by SleeveHearted at 11:51 AM on July 2, 2010

but her response was, "I don't want to loose the friendship."


There is the "no". She didn't flat out say "no" however the answer says it all.
We don't always get the answer we want form people, however we do need to realize that they answered us and move on.

I was in a situation like yours. I have known the guy since I was 19. We talked everyday. hung out all the time. He would come over and hang out with my parents. It was AWESOME. He was my best friend. I began to have stronger feelings for him. I was honest with him about those feelings. He told me that I am the "perfect girl" however he just wants to be friends because he can't give me 100% in a relationship. I was heartbroken. I told him that I couldn't talk to him or be his friend. He was angry. It just hurt too much. About 6 months down the road he emailed me. Telling me how important I am to him and how he misses having me in his life. I was still not fully over him, however I realized that I would rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all. We are friends to this day. He has a girlfriend and I am seeing someone.

You need to figure out if you want her in your life, even if that means being just a platonic guy friend. Give it time if it's too fresh of a wound for you. Be honest with her and yourself.
posted by zombiehoohaa at 11:52 AM on July 2, 2010 [2 favorites]

She has told him that He will never mean as much to her as I do

You're better off not dating someone who plays games like this one.
posted by ook at 11:54 AM on July 2, 2010 [8 favorites]

SleeveHearted: "She has told him that He will never mean as much to her as I do and he can hit the road if he doesnt accept that!!"

I was going to give her the benefit of the doubt, but that's a little weird now and teg4rvn's link seems a lot less silly. That's just not something you say to a person you're dating, unless you're putting on some sort of show. So, I'm going to suggest in all seriousness that you move your life away from his person, for your own mental and emotional health.
posted by Tequila Mockingbird at 11:58 AM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

Also -- a seven year difference in age, at your age, is a pretty significant difference. (If you didn't notice her until she 'magically grew up' that puts you in your mid-twenties at most.) A seven year difference wouldn't matter much if you were both in your thirties or forties, but at your age that puts you each at really different levels of life experience. It's not impossible for such a thing to work out, of course, but it's an extra hurdle for what sounds like an already problematic start.

Maybe consider that your first impression of this girl was the correct one, and seek out someone you might have more in common with?
posted by ook at 12:02 PM on July 2, 2010

She has told him that He will never mean as much to her as I do and he can hit the road if he doesnt accept that!!
I have asked for a direct NO.
she will not give me that
she wont cut the rope! I believe it is up to me to do something with the dam rope

Agreed. It sounds like you're doing the right thing by cutting the rope yourself. Sorry this sucks so much.
posted by salvia at 12:07 PM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

My main problem is i havent got a no from her????
Yes, you have. Over and over again.

Also, I can't imagine what you mean by "taking the easy way out." Out of what? If she liked you, being with someone else would not have been easy at all.

Either this is the most evil, game-playing female on earth, or you've created a situation in your mind that is unrelated to reality.
posted by coolguymichael at 12:10 PM on July 2, 2010 [3 favorites]

She's young and she's trying out her power. This is completely natural, but unfortunately a bad place for you emotionally. She's not ready to settle down, she just got going! Maybe you would be the perfect guy for her, maybe not, but she may not be ready for a serious relationship and, bless her, she knows it. It's bad timing, pure and simple. If you can't just be friends with her, you need to stay away. It will hurt for a while, but it's far better to suffer now than to spend years waiting for the possibility of her changing her mind.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 12:47 PM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

She just wants to have sex with him and everything else with me.

Well, that's it; she wants to have it both ways. If you let her have it both ways, she'll spend the rest of her life (not with you) trying to follow that pattern, because people repeat the behaviors that have been successful in the past. Do her a favor and don't enable that behavior. Go find someone out there who wants you in the same way you want them.

If I were you, I'd just say this, if she presses the friend point: "Look, you're young; you're just learning about relationships, and you have a lot of exploring to do. I'm older, and I've been through a lot of this already -- and I'm at the point that I want a person like you as a partner, not a friend. Since I can't have that, I'm going to move on, and you should do the same as well. Life is long, and you never know; maybe we'll hook back up in a couple decades, when we've both learned a lot more. After all, I'm older than you, but I'm not that old either -- I have a lot to discover, and if I spend my time hanging around waiting for you, I won't be out there discovering."
posted by davejay at 1:11 PM on July 2, 2010 [2 favorites]

I know how this feels. You have a special mutual connection with this girl and while she likes you a lot, she has another connection as well. At best, you each score 50%. which is not even a passing grade. Not for you and also not for the 'in a relationship' guy. It was a painful image for me to accept but helped to visualize how unstable any relationship with this person would be.
posted by lois1950 at 1:22 PM on July 2, 2010

Here's the deal. If she spent enough time around you - and it sounds like she did - and she's not yearning to be with you, then the power of your attraction is not strong enough for her, or not suited to her. Here's what guys do, when they can't accept that elementary fact:

1)If only she knew what she is missing! OMG! I must save her from herself, so she can get the great experience of having me as a boyfriend! It's only fair to her! "Did she take the easy way out". I cannot allow her to be so shallow as not to take the mature way - being my girlfriend! Yep, you're doing this.

2)OMG, the other guy is so beneath her! He's a creep! He's just... wrong! She has no idea what she's getting into. I know this guy! I must save her from him, by making her be my girlfriend! "naturally hes a terrible fit for her in my eyes. I like to think id be a Man and except if the dude was a better choice than me but knowing all i know about him". Yep, you're doing this.

3)If only she got to really, really, really know me, she'd realize how awesome I am, and immediately beg to be my girlfriend.

4)She loves me. Adores me. Only she's afraid to commit. She's been hurt and is insecure. Her family is against me. Elves are keeping her away from me even though she loves me wildly.

And on and on it goes - I enumerated 4 (out of 44,444) things guys do so they don't have to accept reality. It's all BS, and all excuses.

The reality remains - she knows you, and she doesn't want you in that way. Deal. Imagine this: there's a million dollars in the suitcase, free for the taking. But Joe passes it by, and says "I don't want it". How likely is that? Not very. Same here. If she thought you were all that desirable - SHE'D GRAB YOU.

So where does that leave you? First the bad news. Your kind of magic doesn't work on her, so you need to let it go. Now the good news. She clearly indicated that your magic doesn't work for her - thus sparing you from a tragic relationship with an incompatible person. There is no blame attached either way. Her not being attracted to her doesn't take points away from you - there may be a million reasons, heck, maybe you are right - she just is not capable of understanding what a swell guy you are - but then, why would you want to hang out with someone who doesn't get you, your jokes, your intellect, your interests, your way of being? It Doesn't Matter Why She Rejects You, Only That She Does So.

Let her go.

Postscript. Odd effects department - very often, when you are relaxed about yourself and your power, you become attractive. You don't chase, because you figure that your power will become evident on its own - like that suitcase filled with cash - and if someone is not attracted, then either they are not compatible, or don't like cash. Either way, you are relaxed. Things come to YOU - the universe is bent your way. If something ain't happening for you, it wasn't meant to - so sayonara, on to the next one. That's self confidence. That's attractive. Now that you don't want her, and that you don't jump at her every command, and that you are not competing or jealous of the other guy, she suddenly is unsure of the other guy and wants you. Only now you are not sure you want her - because when you distanced yourself, when you let go of the demon of "OMG I must have her/him/it or I will cry, cry, cry", you suddenly see her in a more objective light... and you may not like what you see... and now that she wants YOU, things are getting complicated... they were so simple, when she said "no" and selected herself away thus sparing you all work... but now, you'll actually have to figure it out, yay, or nay.
posted by VikingSword at 2:47 PM on July 2, 2010 [3 favorites]

You've known her forever and watched her grow up? It's possible that she sees you as family, and can not see you as relationship material (just like she wouldn't Uncle Joe or Cousin Billy). This explains the "You'll always mean more to me" and "he can hit the road if he can't accept that." You're perhaps like an older brother to her, which may make your relationship advances a little creepy to her.

Also, if she's 7 years younger - give her a break. She's just learning about how to make and deal with relationships, and I think she's trying as hard as she can to spare your feelings.
posted by b33j at 3:25 PM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

You know, this will sound harsh, but let her go and don't contact her again. Why?

If she is into you, but hasn't realized / given into it yet, it'll only make her want you more. She'll come back sooner rather than later.

I she never was, and never will be, into you that way, it'll start the healing process for you that much sooner.
posted by digitalprimate at 5:25 PM on July 2, 2010

"I don't want to lose the friendship" = nice rejection = I don't want to lose the friendship as a result of me rejecting you

She has told him that He will never mean as much to her as I do

Stupid thing to say, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt as nothing else about her screams manipulative awful person. She's trying to soften the blow. She thinks you might feel better if you feel like you are more important to her than the new guy. That your connection is deeper, whatever it may be. It unfortunately gave you false hope. She knew you would be VERY upset when you found out about the other guy, which is why she wussed out and let you find out rather than tell you. She's trying to tell you that she really does value your friendship and cares deeply for you, but romantic connections are rarely strictly logical and she does not feel that way about you. I'm really sorry. I know this is very hard, but trying to over analyze her very actions or paint her as having tried to intentionally hurt you isn't really going to make you feel any better.

Also, give up the ghost that she isn't with you because she's "confused" or "emotionally damaged" and that is the true reason she isn't with you. You aren't her therapist and your psychoanalysis of her is a little too self serving. She's an adult. This guy is probably not her soul mate, but most of the people we date aren't. The possible failure of her relationship does not mean you two were meant to be. They might break up and when they do she will probably date someone else. You have to give this up.

I don't think you can be friends with her, at least not for quite a while. Give it at least 6 months to a year and re-evaluate whether you can handle just being friends with her, but space, time, and acceptance is all that will make you feel better in the end.
posted by whoaali at 6:33 PM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

once you get in the friendzone it's really hard to get out and all the while every other guy she meets/likes is a better prospect. the prospect is in what she hopes and imagines might come of it. When you start hanging out with a girl there's a window of opportunity to make something more of it. People date and start relationships with optimism and hope that it'll turn out good. Get to know her too well without making a move and the window closes and her feeling of you changes and you're screwed.

"When we started to hang out it was amazing to the point she couldn't deny it. Nothing happend between us "

You're the guy, the onus is on you to initiate something happening or ask least ask the question. A date might be the same as hanging out but you've signalled your intentions and things have the opportunity to proceed differently. Let this whole affair be a lesson in how not to get a girl.
posted by browolf at 7:23 AM on July 3, 2010 [1 favorite]

"She has told him that He will never mean as much to her as I do"

This is what a young, Good Girl says (i.e., tries to get herself to think) when she is beginning her life as a sexual adult. It's like saying she'll never love anyone as much as she loves her...parents. It's attempting to downplay her sexuality in the name of True, Good Girl loyalty.

And, in the context of your question, it is definitely a No.
posted by DMelanogaster at 7:35 AM on July 3, 2010 [3 favorites]

She was giving you the soft letdown by telling you she didn't want to lose the friendship. I have no doubt she sees it as telling you no in no uncertain terms, though you didn't hear it that way. You don't want to hear no because you adore her. She is not a direct communicator (conveying info by FB status updates is not upfront or cool), but that's how a lot of people behave. She's not a jerkface. She's just young and you're not great at picking up the signals she's sending.

Clearly, she cares about you, but she's not up for the intensity of dating a close friend. She can have it both ways by having a boyfriend and you, her emotional boyfriend. It's a crap role to fill if you're looking to be her real boyfriend. I'd give yourself some time away from the situation and look for someone who is more mature, can communicate directly, and isn't afraid to be close to someone.
posted by *s at 1:57 PM on July 3, 2010