At-home date ideas when one person can't do much physically?

December 18, 2023 9:12 PM

Also, any general thoughts on dating someone new when they are in the middle of major health challenges? More below about our specific situation.

I am very newly dating the friend I wrote about in my last question, "Alex." Alex has been slowly recovering from a bad flare up of their chronic illness and doesn't have the energy to go "out" on dates. They are feeling well enough to want to spend one-on-one quality time with me now, though, and we've been having good conversations when I come by. We are "taking things slow," and it's been really nice so far.

I'm looking for advice on low-pressure activities we can do together that also work with Alex's current limitations. Mentally, Alex is doing pretty well, but physically, everything is still a challenge. They spend most of the day in bed, and even things that don't look strenuous can be really tiring for them. For example, they enjoy knitting but can only do it for very short periods. Movies and TV are too much visually. Listening to music and podcasts are fine though.

I like doing things like planning and cooking a special meal for a date, but given Alex's inability to reciprocate in the same ways, I'm conscious of not wanting to fall into doing all the work and creating too much of a caregiver dynamic. So ideas on how to make things a team effort would be great. Along with any broader thoughts on dating someone new when they are in the middle of major health challenges, if anyone has been through something similar on either side?

Thanks everyone!

posted by Anyone's Ghost 16 to Human Relations (18 answers total)

- Fun take out food? Pizza or hummus/falafel or a cold cut plate?
- Card games? You can adjust the challenge level to her limits. Maybe Uno or Go Fish or Gin Rummy to start
- Listen to a fun podcast together. If it's not too much for you - maybe My Dad Wrote a Porno? or ask here for other good ideas.
posted by metahawk at 9:22 PM on December 18, 2023

Making a mix or playlist together! Picking a theme, an era, a mood, a key word so Alex can give suggestions, do quick internet searches if they're up for it, or just brainstorm together. My partner and I recently tried to think of all the songs we like that have prominent horn parts, I'm amassing them and going to burn a physical mix cd to play in the car. One of my previous Ask Mes was for songs that featured pie (or food in general), especially if the pie was a literal pie and not a metaphorical sexy pie. Mixtapes were a classic stage in adolescent courtship, at least for my generation, so it might have a bit of that date-like feel.
posted by spamandkimchi at 9:37 PM on December 18, 2023 [1 favorite]

Another idea I just had was picking out lectures/book talks/performances that are available online and listening to them together like you were going out to a reading at your favorite bookstore. Lots of bookstores did virtual author talks at the height of the pandemic. Maybe a poet you have been curious about but don't know a lot about has a 20 minute recording from a recent reading, or maybe you two want to really nerd out and listen through the archives of the Haymarket Books webinars. This could also be a slow exploration to see what overlapping interests you might have with Alex and a chance to proselytize for your faves.
posted by spamandkimchi at 9:44 PM on December 18, 2023 [1 favorite]

Get a gorgeous art book from the library, and look at it together.

The fact that it's borrowed, and only with you temporarily, makes the time with it more date-like, more of an adventure.
posted by amtho at 10:15 PM on December 18, 2023 [7 favorites]

Not just any card games; play Piquet: perhaps the most elegant, sexy and sophisticated two-handed card game ever played: a cross between rummy, whist and medieval french. Also of finite length: 60 minutes max if you're taking it s l o w. rules.
posted by BobTheScientist at 1:31 AM on December 19, 2023 [4 favorites]

Puzzles or backgammon or quietly chilling in bed holding hands.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 4:37 AM on December 19, 2023

My wife has been on-and-off bedridden the last two years and we've really enjoyed a couple things:

- Audiobooks! Curling up in bed together and listening to audiobooks has been most of our social time when she's migrainey and can't deal with the TV

- We've recently gotten into a podcast - Normal Gossip for us in particular - that serves much the same purpose but is even better conversation fodder. We listen to an episode then talk about it and it's been great, more active than audiobooks.

- When she's been able to sit up a little we've done some video games. The thing that's worked for us is playing text-heavy games - Sunless Sea has been perfect - and I steer, we discuss our options, and I read all the text to her. She loves being read to and she's just as engaged in the decision-making as I am, and she doesn't have to keep her eyes on the screen.

- We had a very good couple of evenings listening to music! She asked a couple of our mutual friends for lists of their favorite songs, I put them into playlists and we listened to them and then talked about what common threads we found in each list. The music itself was fun but having a specific structure really gave us something to discuss.
posted by restless_nomad at 5:37 AM on December 19, 2023 [10 favorites]

+1 to large format, image-heavy books from the library. Pair the book topics with recorded media—podcast, etc— on a favorite topic.

Pairing books that are easy to browse with recorded media helps the two of you stay present with each other and focused on a journey together, rather than just falling into audience mode.

Also consider getting them a laser pointer. With a laser pointer, you can play board games and do activities that would usually require arm movements that can be tiring.

When a friend of mine was declining with Lou Gerig’s, being able to point a laser let us do board games and browse books and newspapers together. When holding it was too hard, we strapped the laser to a hat. We could even play tile-based games like Rummikub and Scrabble, because the laser pointer would show me where to rearrange their tiles without looking at them.
posted by Headfullofair at 6:48 AM on December 19, 2023 [2 favorites]

As far as cooking goes, can you do the physical stuff, but Alex is the supervisor - they are in charge of guiding the recipe - what comes next, etc. Pick a semi-complicated recipe.
posted by hydra77 at 7:06 AM on December 19, 2023 [1 favorite]

I think people have already said all my ideas, so I just want to add:
I remember your last post and I'm glad things are going well. :)
posted by stormyteal at 7:23 AM on December 19, 2023 [4 favorites]

Why not a board game? I’d do something where you can interact rather than listening to a podcast together, but you could also listen to a podcast separately and discuss it together.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:27 AM on December 19, 2023 [1 favorite]

Board Games!!!

But, disclaimer, I am a board gamer. When I was bedridden last year at this time, not able to do much, kids home for the holidays, was able to play some games with them. It felt special. It's the time spent enjoying the people you are with. That's what makes it special...

Also love the cooking ideas. And, read the same books and discuss, (Murderbot).
posted by Windopaene at 9:52 AM on December 19, 2023 [1 favorite]

The Bedbound Activity Masterlist: Part 1
posted by jocelmeow at 9:52 AM on December 19, 2023 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: Thank you for all the good suggestions!

I like the board game idea, but am not very in the know about board games. Does anyone have specific recommendations of games that are beginner friendly, not super intellectually difficult but still fun for two people?
posted by Anyone's Ghost 16 at 12:22 PM on December 19, 2023

Maybe something in this board games for two list would work?
posted by *s at 12:46 PM on December 19, 2023

Some easy to learn and easy to play 2-person games:

Racko
Spots
Hive is perhaps a level 2 game, kind of in the same vein as chess: each tile has a different inherent move.
That's Clever / Twice as Clever: is like yahtzee but more involved, but a ton of fun and strategy.

You can go classical, and play chess, checkers, backgammon, othello, gin rummy (card game), yahtzee, dominos (many variations), 10,000 - a dice game - is super easy to learn and play anywhere (and can be bought under the brand name Farkle).

You can also do jigsaw puzzles if that interests you.

If you want to explore other games, the NY Times has these beginner games it recommends, but not all are good for 2 people. I do love Ticket to Ride though, which is pretty easy to learn, and great with 2 people.
posted by hydra77 at 2:47 PM on December 19, 2023

I've done this game, Fungi, on date nights. Super fun!
posted by Toddles at 9:53 PM on December 19, 2023

Best answer: My partner has an energy limiting condition which causes similar limitations during flares, although we'd been together for a few years before he got sick in this way. You've had a lot of good suggestions already - I second playing cosy videogames together where you're doing the 'work' and they can just watch or zone out if needed (something like stardew valley could also be good, as it has a two player mode but there isn't a lot of pressure on the second player to do much). Podcasts and low energy two person card games are good suggestions, although if they're too sick for the TV they may well be too sick for board/card games. It helped us to really lower our expectations for what counts as an activity during these times. Cuddling is an activity, reading to them from a book so that you're reading the book together, talking about how you're feeling, taking naps together, watching cute animal videos or wildlife live streams has been nice for us sometimes. Any kind of connection counts.

Personally I love to cook and I don't want any reciprocation, as I prefer to eat my own cooking anyway, so I just think of it like I'm cooking for both of us and I get to enjoy it too. Maybe if you do want to make a special meal you could lower your threshold for 'special' and look up some low effort high reward receipes to take the work out of it. Alex could maybe help you pick some out from a recipe book?

Broader thoughts on this as per the question: dating someone new in this situation has got to be a challenge. It's been essential for me to prioritise doing what I can in terms of spending time with friends and going out without feeling guilty that my partner often isn't able to do those things. I'd advise spending time thinking about where you're getting that balance in this relationship, as it will be key for both of you. If you start out with any kind of sense of 'sacrifice' then you'll both feel it and it will create resentment on both sides eventually.
posted by chives at 3:21 AM on December 20, 2023