How annoying is your partner?
September 23, 2023 2:15 AM Subscribe
I'm wondering what's a reasonable amount to get annoyed with your partner? And what isn't, and means you should break up...
My partner and I have been together for many months now, enough time that I know a lot about the way they view the world and also about how they live their life on a day-to-day level.
On big picture stuff, we're a good match. I've never met someone with values, ideas, and life goals that match my own so well. She is a kind person, sees the best in people, never tries to hurt anyone on purpose, is funny and interesting, and likes me a lot.
But she also gets on my nerves on day-to-day stuff a lot, almost every time we hang out there is at least one thing that bugs me. A lot of the things are small, like her not showering before a date, or keeping me waiting by running to the bathroom almost every time we meet up (at a time we agreed on in advance), or laughing or talking too loudly into my ear when we are cuddling, or reaching out for PDA around my colleagues when I am not really comfortable with that. Some of them are bigger, like her asking me for a lot of favors that are kind of a pain in the ass, or being difficult to coordinate with on errands, or being kind of stingy about stuff for me or us (when I am inclined to be generous).
Sometimes, when I'm in a good mood, I brush these things off and focus on the fun we do have and the big-picture alignments and the fact that I really want someone kind. But sometimes, especially seeing all these episodes in combination with one another, I read into them and feel that she is a bit immature and self-absorbed. If this is the case, it is a big hang up for me. I worry about being in a serious relationship with someone with those qualities.
I imagine the solution is to talk about all this stuff. But I don't know how. Occasionally, I bring up one annoying thing at a time and will ask for her to adjust, and she will do it or consider doing it. But I get the feeling she doesn't internalize it on a very deep level. I don't feel she hears my request and then feels she wants to change in order to do something nice for me. The other approach I've tried is to lightly joke and tease her about some of the things. The differences in our personalities could not be more apparent (our friends comment on it) and it seems sensible to me to laugh about it as a way to bring it into the open and lower the stakes so that I feel less annoyed about it all. But the joking approach hasn't worked either. She just doesn't really respond, and is maybe a bit uncomfortable about it, and she definitely never initiates such teasing in return.
The prospect of confronting her seriously, though, feels like it might just end up offending her. I think this is just her personality and it doesn't really click that well with my own since I'm kind of uptight. I don't want to give her a long list of all the things she does that annoy me. And I also don't want to generalize about the various annoying behaviors. If I were to try to generalize, I would just end up saying something hurtful. So I feel kind of stuck on how to approach this.
The more time that passes in our relationship, I just get more annoyed and also worry more about the deeper symptoms/consequences. One, I worry that if I'm this annoyed so early on how will I make it years down the line. And two, I worry that someone with this kind of personality can't really care for and support me in the way I need and is difficult for me to work with on big decisions and challenges. I think it's still too early in the relationship for me to feel really clear about those latter points. But it's something that weighs on me a bit.
What do you all think? Would these things (or these kinds of things) annoy you, or have they annoyed you in your relationships? How did you deal with them? How did your partners respond? Are there good relationships in which people don't annoy each other that much?
My partner and I have been together for many months now, enough time that I know a lot about the way they view the world and also about how they live their life on a day-to-day level.
On big picture stuff, we're a good match. I've never met someone with values, ideas, and life goals that match my own so well. She is a kind person, sees the best in people, never tries to hurt anyone on purpose, is funny and interesting, and likes me a lot.
But she also gets on my nerves on day-to-day stuff a lot, almost every time we hang out there is at least one thing that bugs me. A lot of the things are small, like her not showering before a date, or keeping me waiting by running to the bathroom almost every time we meet up (at a time we agreed on in advance), or laughing or talking too loudly into my ear when we are cuddling, or reaching out for PDA around my colleagues when I am not really comfortable with that. Some of them are bigger, like her asking me for a lot of favors that are kind of a pain in the ass, or being difficult to coordinate with on errands, or being kind of stingy about stuff for me or us (when I am inclined to be generous).
Sometimes, when I'm in a good mood, I brush these things off and focus on the fun we do have and the big-picture alignments and the fact that I really want someone kind. But sometimes, especially seeing all these episodes in combination with one another, I read into them and feel that she is a bit immature and self-absorbed. If this is the case, it is a big hang up for me. I worry about being in a serious relationship with someone with those qualities.
I imagine the solution is to talk about all this stuff. But I don't know how. Occasionally, I bring up one annoying thing at a time and will ask for her to adjust, and she will do it or consider doing it. But I get the feeling she doesn't internalize it on a very deep level. I don't feel she hears my request and then feels she wants to change in order to do something nice for me. The other approach I've tried is to lightly joke and tease her about some of the things. The differences in our personalities could not be more apparent (our friends comment on it) and it seems sensible to me to laugh about it as a way to bring it into the open and lower the stakes so that I feel less annoyed about it all. But the joking approach hasn't worked either. She just doesn't really respond, and is maybe a bit uncomfortable about it, and she definitely never initiates such teasing in return.
The prospect of confronting her seriously, though, feels like it might just end up offending her. I think this is just her personality and it doesn't really click that well with my own since I'm kind of uptight. I don't want to give her a long list of all the things she does that annoy me. And I also don't want to generalize about the various annoying behaviors. If I were to try to generalize, I would just end up saying something hurtful. So I feel kind of stuck on how to approach this.
The more time that passes in our relationship, I just get more annoyed and also worry more about the deeper symptoms/consequences. One, I worry that if I'm this annoyed so early on how will I make it years down the line. And two, I worry that someone with this kind of personality can't really care for and support me in the way I need and is difficult for me to work with on big decisions and challenges. I think it's still too early in the relationship for me to feel really clear about those latter points. But it's something that weighs on me a bit.
What do you all think? Would these things (or these kinds of things) annoy you, or have they annoyed you in your relationships? How did you deal with them? How did your partners respond? Are there good relationships in which people don't annoy each other that much?
"I imagine the solution is to talk about all this stuff. But I don't know how."
This is the core of the situation. To have a dynamic relationship, your foundational skill (I suggest) is learning how to communicate well, with kindness, and to be able to repair when communication hurts feelings.
You have options, all of which require you to bring up the topic in conversation. There are so, so many resources for you out there. I think it matters less which resource you begin with, and more that you begin with *any* resource that helps you get this discussion started. Then, jointly, you decide if and how to practice skills that improve your communication skills and routines.
Maybe you can take the first step and sort through some podcast episodes that talk about this, identify some good ones, and then bring them up with your partner. A good, broad list of suggested podcasts (like this one) is easy to find and explore.
Irritation is a constant rule of all human relationships. Focusing on addressing them is how you avoid developing private resentments about those irritations, as resentment is an almost universally acknowledged poison to intimacy.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:41 AM on September 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
This is the core of the situation. To have a dynamic relationship, your foundational skill (I suggest) is learning how to communicate well, with kindness, and to be able to repair when communication hurts feelings.
You have options, all of which require you to bring up the topic in conversation. There are so, so many resources for you out there. I think it matters less which resource you begin with, and more that you begin with *any* resource that helps you get this discussion started. Then, jointly, you decide if and how to practice skills that improve your communication skills and routines.
Maybe you can take the first step and sort through some podcast episodes that talk about this, identify some good ones, and then bring them up with your partner. A good, broad list of suggested podcasts (like this one) is easy to find and explore.
Irritation is a constant rule of all human relationships. Focusing on addressing them is how you avoid developing private resentments about those irritations, as resentment is an almost universally acknowledged poison to intimacy.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:41 AM on September 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
There are many things in my own relationship that my partner does that annoy me. The reason why this is not a problem is that taken all together I am a better, happier person in this relationship than without it.
Some things I address, and continue to address as needed. Some things were no longer a problem when we moved in together. Other things I just live with and affectionately tease about. In practice, the irritations that he and I bring up and expect to change are things that I would potentially bring up with any roommate situation because they relate to the practicalities of living together. Almost all our real arguments are about our communication styles which do not mesh well. A couple of things that moved beyond irritation to real annoyance (eg starting intense conversations late at night when I cannot focus) changed when I was able to explain clearly that it was a real problem and only required a minor change.
posted by plonkee at 2:50 AM on September 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
Some things I address, and continue to address as needed. Some things were no longer a problem when we moved in together. Other things I just live with and affectionately tease about. In practice, the irritations that he and I bring up and expect to change are things that I would potentially bring up with any roommate situation because they relate to the practicalities of living together. Almost all our real arguments are about our communication styles which do not mesh well. A couple of things that moved beyond irritation to real annoyance (eg starting intense conversations late at night when I cannot focus) changed when I was able to explain clearly that it was a real problem and only required a minor change.
posted by plonkee at 2:50 AM on September 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
reaching out for PDA around my colleagues when I am not really comfortable with that.
I have seen this a lot from men who seem to think their girlfriends are not quite enough of a trophy to impress their buddies. And she may be reaching out for reassurance because she feels you pulling away a little.
If that’s part of it for you, I encourage you to let it go as much as possible, because once your feelings deepen it won’t matter at all. But if you can’t, I think you should let her go, because she deserves better.
posted by jamjam at 3:21 AM on September 23, 2023 [20 favorites]
I have seen this a lot from men who seem to think their girlfriends are not quite enough of a trophy to impress their buddies. And she may be reaching out for reassurance because she feels you pulling away a little.
If that’s part of it for you, I encourage you to let it go as much as possible, because once your feelings deepen it won’t matter at all. But if you can’t, I think you should let her go, because she deserves better.
posted by jamjam at 3:21 AM on September 23, 2023 [20 favorites]
It seems very normal to have little fleeting moments of annoyance when dealing with anyone because no one is going to be completely on your wavelength at all times. I'm the more uptight person in my relationship and I experience it daily BUT also recognize that my (comparative) uptightness is a flaw in itself and that sometimes I'm the one that needs to change.
If something minor annoys me, I sit with my discomfort and ask myself how important it really is. I don't address things unless it actually turns out it is really affecting me negatively because if I just let every minor annoyance turn into criticism, I would hurt my husband and have a truly terrible relationship!
So basically minor things like waiting 5 minutes for someone to actually be ready after they say they are would not get addressed, showering before a date wouldn't unless it was a broader hygiene issue...yelling in my ear actually would get addressed in the moment in an "owww!" way.
For more serious stuff, I would address it in a "here's how this is hurting me, I know you aren't trying to hurt me so I wanted to tell you" way. If that didn't make any impact, it would be a deal-breaker for me.
posted by Eyelash at 3:29 AM on September 23, 2023 [18 favorites]
If something minor annoys me, I sit with my discomfort and ask myself how important it really is. I don't address things unless it actually turns out it is really affecting me negatively because if I just let every minor annoyance turn into criticism, I would hurt my husband and have a truly terrible relationship!
So basically minor things like waiting 5 minutes for someone to actually be ready after they say they are would not get addressed, showering before a date wouldn't unless it was a broader hygiene issue...yelling in my ear actually would get addressed in the moment in an "owww!" way.
For more serious stuff, I would address it in a "here's how this is hurting me, I know you aren't trying to hurt me so I wanted to tell you" way. If that didn't make any impact, it would be a deal-breaker for me.
posted by Eyelash at 3:29 AM on September 23, 2023 [18 favorites]
I've been married for about 27 years. My husband definitely can be annoying. But I hardly ever feel like it's HIM that's annoying, he just does annoying things. I love who he is.
I temper my annoyance by the knowledge that I'm every bit as annoying, and while there are some things I'm willing to change so that I'm easier to live with, some things I can't or don't want to change because dammit, I'm me, and no one has the right to demand that I change.
It kind of sounds like you want to change who your partner is, or want her to change herself.
How do you feel about the things she asks you to change? If you don't know what *she* finds annoying, it's because she's not telling you. Which, if true, should give you pause.
posted by Zumbador at 3:32 AM on September 23, 2023 [35 favorites]
I temper my annoyance by the knowledge that I'm every bit as annoying, and while there are some things I'm willing to change so that I'm easier to live with, some things I can't or don't want to change because dammit, I'm me, and no one has the right to demand that I change.
It kind of sounds like you want to change who your partner is, or want her to change herself.
How do you feel about the things she asks you to change? If you don't know what *she* finds annoying, it's because she's not telling you. Which, if true, should give you pause.
posted by Zumbador at 3:32 AM on September 23, 2023 [35 favorites]
The more time that passes in our relationship, I just get more annoyed
Save yourselves both (by this I mostly mean her) the hassle, and end this.
Your entire screed is about how she might change and somehow be better for you or something, but you wouldn’t engage with her about what this might mean (in such a manner as may be considered a ‘relationship’)?
My partner and I have been annoying each other, a bit, for many many years. A consistent pattern of either of us ‘just get[ting] more annoyed’ would presumably not have worked out. There’s a point at which you have a conversation, or you give up.
posted by pompomtom at 4:13 AM on September 23, 2023 [64 favorites]
Save yourselves both (by this I mostly mean her) the hassle, and end this.
Your entire screed is about how she might change and somehow be better for you or something, but you wouldn’t engage with her about what this might mean (in such a manner as may be considered a ‘relationship’)?
My partner and I have been annoying each other, a bit, for many many years. A consistent pattern of either of us ‘just get[ting] more annoyed’ would presumably not have worked out. There’s a point at which you have a conversation, or you give up.
posted by pompomtom at 4:13 AM on September 23, 2023 [64 favorites]
It seems to me that your annoyance is beginning to boarder contempt —- seeing your girlfriend as immature or inconsiderate. This interpretation of your girlfriend’s actions either means you should end it or you need to work on changing your interpretation when you are annoyed. For example, based on your own description I can come up with multiple more positive interpretations: she is exuberant, busy, and affectionate person.
Everyone gets annoyed by their partners. When it’s a “keeper” you don’t turn annoyances into character flaws, you see the best in the other person, and you move on.
posted by CMcG at 4:16 AM on September 23, 2023 [64 favorites]
Everyone gets annoyed by their partners. When it’s a “keeper” you don’t turn annoyances into character flaws, you see the best in the other person, and you move on.
posted by CMcG at 4:16 AM on September 23, 2023 [64 favorites]
I'm with pompomtom here - yeah, everyone is annoying sometimes, everyone's partner is annoying sometimes. But if your annoyance is ratcheting up and up like this I think it probably means one of a few things:
1) You're incompatible (maybe you're spending too much time together)
2) You don't actually like this person all that much (people you like are still annoying but you get over it faster, in my experience)
3) You don't actually want to be in a relationship right now (either with this person or in general) and you're coming up with reasons not to be.
It's a cliché and maybe it's not possible for everyone but I genuinely believe that for at least the first few months of a relationship you should feel like the person is amazing and that you're lucky to get to spend time with them.
posted by mskyle at 4:20 AM on September 23, 2023 [6 favorites]
1) You're incompatible (maybe you're spending too much time together)
2) You don't actually like this person all that much (people you like are still annoying but you get over it faster, in my experience)
3) You don't actually want to be in a relationship right now (either with this person or in general) and you're coming up with reasons not to be.
It's a cliché and maybe it's not possible for everyone but I genuinely believe that for at least the first few months of a relationship you should feel like the person is amazing and that you're lucky to get to spend time with them.
posted by mskyle at 4:20 AM on September 23, 2023 [6 favorites]
Of the examples you list, there seems to be two sort of overarching categories of annoyance: one is for lack of a better term, "operational" and the other would be personality driven. So, you hate that she doesn't seem to be easy to plan with (leaving you waiting, hard to coordinate with) and you also don't love her approach to affection, generosity, etc. Operational stuff like that won't change -- that's how she works in the world. Maybe you can, over time, both be flexible enough to meet in the middle, but I really see you have two options. One is you decide that these aren't that big of a deal and just accept that you'll be waiting a few minutes for the rest of your relationship. The other is you realize that spending however many years policing her (admittedly minor) quirks will be trying for you and frankly shitty for her and you end it.
The personality stuff? The PDA and the laughing too loudly (!?!?)....I think I'd be a bit heartbroken to find out my boyfriend felt that way and I would certainly wonder if he actually liked me as a person (rather than me as a concept that "on paper" seems promising). So as you decide your approach, I would consider not so much what strategy is most likely to get her to change, but whether you can still love her if she never changes. That's the crux of it.
posted by Mrs. Rattery at 4:33 AM on September 23, 2023 [18 favorites]
The personality stuff? The PDA and the laughing too loudly (!?!?)....I think I'd be a bit heartbroken to find out my boyfriend felt that way and I would certainly wonder if he actually liked me as a person (rather than me as a concept that "on paper" seems promising). So as you decide your approach, I would consider not so much what strategy is most likely to get her to change, but whether you can still love her if she never changes. That's the crux of it.
posted by Mrs. Rattery at 4:33 AM on September 23, 2023 [18 favorites]
When I feel annoyed with my partner it’s not generally “partner does this objectively annoying thing that bugs me every time,” it’s more like “thing that would usually be fine lands weirdly with me on a specific day because I’m preoccupied or grumpy for other reasons.” So I rarely try to do much about them because they’re not ongoing issues.
I like, love, and enjoy my partner so much more than I ever find him annoying - the balance isn’t anywhere close. If I felt and thought about him the way you describe her, and wanted him to change in as many different ways as you seem to wish she would change, I think I would feel like it was not a good match and not fair to either of us to continue.
In general in relationship stuff I think it’s best to look at the person you have in front of you right now, exactly as they are, and ask if *that’s* the person you want to be with long term, not a person you hope to turn them into who’s almost the same but different in some ways. If you can’t honestly get excited about the person they are right now, don’t try to change them, just let them go so you can each find someone who *is* into you just like you are now.
posted by Stacey at 4:47 AM on September 23, 2023 [10 favorites]
I like, love, and enjoy my partner so much more than I ever find him annoying - the balance isn’t anywhere close. If I felt and thought about him the way you describe her, and wanted him to change in as many different ways as you seem to wish she would change, I think I would feel like it was not a good match and not fair to either of us to continue.
In general in relationship stuff I think it’s best to look at the person you have in front of you right now, exactly as they are, and ask if *that’s* the person you want to be with long term, not a person you hope to turn them into who’s almost the same but different in some ways. If you can’t honestly get excited about the person they are right now, don’t try to change them, just let them go so you can each find someone who *is* into you just like you are now.
posted by Stacey at 4:47 AM on September 23, 2023 [10 favorites]
I don't think talking about it will accomplish anything. Her laugh annoys you. There's nothing to talk about here. You're just not feeling it. It's what it is, you don't have to find reasons to end it.
Comitted love takes a leap of faith, a passion strong enough to override reason for at least a little while. Nobody in their right mind falls in love. You need to be a bit mad to do it. Eventually the spell's bound to break, and ideally, there will be stronger foundation of shared history and goals etc. then that takes its place, and also the memory of those early days can help a lot to get you over the rough patches. But if the spell is broken this early (or never existed in the first place), I don't see much of a point.
posted by sohalt at 4:55 AM on September 23, 2023 [32 favorites]
Comitted love takes a leap of faith, a passion strong enough to override reason for at least a little while. Nobody in their right mind falls in love. You need to be a bit mad to do it. Eventually the spell's bound to break, and ideally, there will be stronger foundation of shared history and goals etc. then that takes its place, and also the memory of those early days can help a lot to get you over the rough patches. But if the spell is broken this early (or never existed in the first place), I don't see much of a point.
posted by sohalt at 4:55 AM on September 23, 2023 [32 favorites]
I've been married for 12 years, and yes there are times my spouse annoys me greatly. Right now he has a cold, and he's sniffling and honking so loudly I can hear him all over the house.
But we have a long history together, we have overcome many obstacles, and we don't try to change one another's basic natures. He's strong-willed, it got us through infertility, I can deal with his willful refusal to grab a dang tissue.
I think your girlfriend sounds neat. She knows who she is, she's comfortable in her own skin, she's affectionate, and she barrels through life with enthusiasm and fun.
But instead of appreciating her, you try to change her by making fun of her. Her habits are the outward manifestations of traits you could build a life on. Affection, exuberance, whimsy and more.
If the habits bother you this badly, and you can't connect them to the positive traits, then there's an underlying message.
I can't answer for you what that message is.
Maybe it's that you're not compatible, you're each trying to cram feet into shoes that don't fit. Maybe she's got a pattern of dating people who try to change her. Or maybe you've got a pattern of not wanting to be happy in relationships, of being a bit judgy when you could be kind.
Or some combination thereof.
posted by champers at 5:12 AM on September 23, 2023 [11 favorites]
But we have a long history together, we have overcome many obstacles, and we don't try to change one another's basic natures. He's strong-willed, it got us through infertility, I can deal with his willful refusal to grab a dang tissue.
I think your girlfriend sounds neat. She knows who she is, she's comfortable in her own skin, she's affectionate, and she barrels through life with enthusiasm and fun.
But instead of appreciating her, you try to change her by making fun of her. Her habits are the outward manifestations of traits you could build a life on. Affection, exuberance, whimsy and more.
If the habits bother you this badly, and you can't connect them to the positive traits, then there's an underlying message.
I can't answer for you what that message is.
Maybe it's that you're not compatible, you're each trying to cram feet into shoes that don't fit. Maybe she's got a pattern of dating people who try to change her. Or maybe you've got a pattern of not wanting to be happy in relationships, of being a bit judgy when you could be kind.
Or some combination thereof.
posted by champers at 5:12 AM on September 23, 2023 [11 favorites]
To me, this sounds like a fairly normal amount to be irritated with an otherwise decent partner. Practically every comedy sketch I’ve ever seen about relationships is an exaggerated version of how annoying it can be to be closely entwined with another individual whose habits and idiosyncrasies irritate the shit out of you sometimes, even though you love them.
My husband has some habits and traits that irritate me. When I start to get on my high horse about something I immediately remind myself of all my annoying traits that he puts up with and climb right back down again. If your personalities differ in significant ways, I can guarantee there are things you do/are that irritate her too, and her silence on the matter hopefully means she’s giving you grace and not just quietly seething. Probably a mix of both, actually.
After 24 years together, we’ve mostly come to peace with the ways in which we differ. We’ve both made efforts to change our ways when it becomes clear that a thing one of us is doing is causing the other person significant frustration, but in a lot of cases we either find workarounds or just learn to accept certain things (which doesn’t mean we are not still irritated sometimes, but when it comes up you’re like “grrr, why is he like this, so annoying” and then you shrug and you’re like “he is what he is” and you dismiss it and move on.) The important thing to me is that my husband is kind, loving, supportive, trustworthy, generous, fun to be with, interesting to talk to and easygoing in a way that allows me to relax and be myself around him. I’ve been in relationships where many of those things were not true at all, so I try not to take them for granted.
Dan Savage talks about what he calls “the price of admission” to a relationship. Meaning, every person you might want to be with comes with certain challenges and idiosyncrasies, and you have to decide if the overall relationship is worth the price of putting up with the parts you don’t like. Just keep in mind that no matter who you are with you’ll be putting up with something.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:19 AM on September 23, 2023 [9 favorites]
My husband has some habits and traits that irritate me. When I start to get on my high horse about something I immediately remind myself of all my annoying traits that he puts up with and climb right back down again. If your personalities differ in significant ways, I can guarantee there are things you do/are that irritate her too, and her silence on the matter hopefully means she’s giving you grace and not just quietly seething. Probably a mix of both, actually.
After 24 years together, we’ve mostly come to peace with the ways in which we differ. We’ve both made efforts to change our ways when it becomes clear that a thing one of us is doing is causing the other person significant frustration, but in a lot of cases we either find workarounds or just learn to accept certain things (which doesn’t mean we are not still irritated sometimes, but when it comes up you’re like “grrr, why is he like this, so annoying” and then you shrug and you’re like “he is what he is” and you dismiss it and move on.) The important thing to me is that my husband is kind, loving, supportive, trustworthy, generous, fun to be with, interesting to talk to and easygoing in a way that allows me to relax and be myself around him. I’ve been in relationships where many of those things were not true at all, so I try not to take them for granted.
Dan Savage talks about what he calls “the price of admission” to a relationship. Meaning, every person you might want to be with comes with certain challenges and idiosyncrasies, and you have to decide if the overall relationship is worth the price of putting up with the parts you don’t like. Just keep in mind that no matter who you are with you’ll be putting up with something.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:19 AM on September 23, 2023 [9 favorites]
How old are you and your partner? How big of an age gap? If you think you can grow together and this might be an issue of, sometimes this is annoying but it's okay and it is dependent on your mood, I would say break up. Those things can add up over time and lead to resentment and as mentioned upthread, contempt.
Loving someone in spite of their flaws is healthier because you can see the bigger picture of compatibility and what I would call, a comfy favorite pair of jeans or a nice, warm cup of hot chocolate on a rainy day. A solid healthy foundation can blossom and grow into a secure and beautiful loving relationship. If you can't picture that or see a future together, it may be best to part amicably.
Not all relationships need to end badly for them to end. Many months could be 6 or 16. If you are closer to 16 months, this is who she is and you can love her for it or not. You have to decide that. If it is closer to 6, maybe she is still trying to figure out how to feel comfortable around you and are still trying to get to know each other. If this is your or her first serious relationship might also be a factor. However, things like hygiene and pda, unless seriously discussed and considered, may be a dealbreaker.
You both deserve better if you cannot give each other what the other needs and are unable to communicate effectively. Some things end up becoming emotional baggage that can hurt people and/or future relationships. Consider if the qualities you appreciate and who she is are more important to you than the things that annoy you.
Rather than get annoyed, see it as something that is unique to your partner and just a part of the mosaic of them as an individual. Is it worth losing your partner over something trivial as the way they load the dishwasher? But if you hate it and they do it like that all the time to the point you get into arguments about it that turn into fights and you had a really rough day at work or you're sick or life has become extra challenging and you get into it over the dishwasher and say something you regret?
Life isn't always rainbows and butterflies and if you don't see your relationship as a partnership to weather the storms and go through the highs and the lows together, then maybe you are better off as friends.
One more thing, consider how you are as a partner and if she wrote this about you, how you would feel. It can be painful when someone doesn't appreciate and cherish who you are. Be that person for someone and find someone who can be that person for you.
posted by VyanSelei at 5:21 AM on September 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
Loving someone in spite of their flaws is healthier because you can see the bigger picture of compatibility and what I would call, a comfy favorite pair of jeans or a nice, warm cup of hot chocolate on a rainy day. A solid healthy foundation can blossom and grow into a secure and beautiful loving relationship. If you can't picture that or see a future together, it may be best to part amicably.
Not all relationships need to end badly for them to end. Many months could be 6 or 16. If you are closer to 16 months, this is who she is and you can love her for it or not. You have to decide that. If it is closer to 6, maybe she is still trying to figure out how to feel comfortable around you and are still trying to get to know each other. If this is your or her first serious relationship might also be a factor. However, things like hygiene and pda, unless seriously discussed and considered, may be a dealbreaker.
You both deserve better if you cannot give each other what the other needs and are unable to communicate effectively. Some things end up becoming emotional baggage that can hurt people and/or future relationships. Consider if the qualities you appreciate and who she is are more important to you than the things that annoy you.
Rather than get annoyed, see it as something that is unique to your partner and just a part of the mosaic of them as an individual. Is it worth losing your partner over something trivial as the way they load the dishwasher? But if you hate it and they do it like that all the time to the point you get into arguments about it that turn into fights and you had a really rough day at work or you're sick or life has become extra challenging and you get into it over the dishwasher and say something you regret?
Life isn't always rainbows and butterflies and if you don't see your relationship as a partnership to weather the storms and go through the highs and the lows together, then maybe you are better off as friends.
One more thing, consider how you are as a partner and if she wrote this about you, how you would feel. It can be painful when someone doesn't appreciate and cherish who you are. Be that person for someone and find someone who can be that person for you.
posted by VyanSelei at 5:21 AM on September 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you might not like her that much, and that's ok. It doesn't bode well for the long-term though.
posted by tiny frying pan at 5:22 AM on September 23, 2023 [21 favorites]
posted by tiny frying pan at 5:22 AM on September 23, 2023 [21 favorites]
...she deserves better.
I hate when people say this. It could just be that both of you deserve different.
posted by Dolley at 5:52 AM on September 23, 2023 [12 favorites]
I hate when people say this. It could just be that both of you deserve different.
posted by Dolley at 5:52 AM on September 23, 2023 [12 favorites]
I cant see how ‘doesn’t shower before dates’ and ‘PDA in front of colleagues’ adds up to ‘can't really care for and support me in the way I need.’
You listed a lot of actions — laughing, reaching, going to the bathroom — and call them a personality problem. But those aren’t personality traits, really. They’re just actions. Anyway, I think you don’t really like her and you want to make that her fault so you’re not a jerk who dumps a perfectly nice person. That’s fine, everyone does it. But I don’t think you like her.
Also, at the risk of sounding touchy: women are gonna need to run to the bathroom real quick, even if they knew what time you were leaving. People are gonna need another quick bathroom trip. If your bladder operation is in ship-shape, kudos to you. But as you get older……..that will change. Develop patience with this reality. Cause when you gotta go…
posted by meowmeowdream at 5:52 AM on September 23, 2023 [55 favorites]
You listed a lot of actions — laughing, reaching, going to the bathroom — and call them a personality problem. But those aren’t personality traits, really. They’re just actions. Anyway, I think you don’t really like her and you want to make that her fault so you’re not a jerk who dumps a perfectly nice person. That’s fine, everyone does it. But I don’t think you like her.
Also, at the risk of sounding touchy: women are gonna need to run to the bathroom real quick, even if they knew what time you were leaving. People are gonna need another quick bathroom trip. If your bladder operation is in ship-shape, kudos to you. But as you get older……..that will change. Develop patience with this reality. Cause when you gotta go…
posted by meowmeowdream at 5:52 AM on September 23, 2023 [55 favorites]
It sounds like you are annoyed by her personality, not just her habits. I think you're incompatible and you should break up with her. If I was her and read this askme I would get the impression that you didn't actually like me or enjoy my company that much despite us being a good theoretical match on paper.
posted by emd3737 at 5:56 AM on September 23, 2023 [13 favorites]
posted by emd3737 at 5:56 AM on September 23, 2023 [13 favorites]
The other approach I've tried is to lightly joke and tease her about some of the things.
This sounds a bit mean to me. If my partner is teasing me, I want to be able to trust that it's about something they find mostly endearing, not truly annoying.
posted by esker at 5:58 AM on September 23, 2023 [47 favorites]
This sounds a bit mean to me. If my partner is teasing me, I want to be able to trust that it's about something they find mostly endearing, not truly annoying.
posted by esker at 5:58 AM on September 23, 2023 [47 favorites]
To answer one of your specific questions, these things would not annoy me in a relationship. But I think you actually answered yourself really well in this paragraph, which I agree with completely:
"The prospect of confronting her seriously, though, feels like it might just end up offending her. I think this is just her personality and it doesn't really click that well with my own since I'm kind of uptight. I don't want to give her a long list of all the things she does that annoy me. And I also don't want to generalize about the various annoying behaviors. If I were to try to generalize, I would just end up saying something hurtful."
I agree that her personality doesn't seem to click with your uptight personality. I also agree that it's not good to generalize about her behaviours (which you are doing when you take her behaviours as evidence of self-absorbtion or immaturity). Telling her a list of things she does that annoys you, especially generalized into personality flaws, would indeed be hurtful to her and the strength of your relationship.
There are definitely relationships where people don't annoy each other this much, and I encourage you to keep looking for one, as much for the sake of your partner as for yourself. If after some time you find that you are this annoyed in all relationships -- well, I would start looking within myself to figure out how to deal with that.
posted by Pwoink at 6:02 AM on September 23, 2023 [7 favorites]
"The prospect of confronting her seriously, though, feels like it might just end up offending her. I think this is just her personality and it doesn't really click that well with my own since I'm kind of uptight. I don't want to give her a long list of all the things she does that annoy me. And I also don't want to generalize about the various annoying behaviors. If I were to try to generalize, I would just end up saying something hurtful."
I agree that her personality doesn't seem to click with your uptight personality. I also agree that it's not good to generalize about her behaviours (which you are doing when you take her behaviours as evidence of self-absorbtion or immaturity). Telling her a list of things she does that annoys you, especially generalized into personality flaws, would indeed be hurtful to her and the strength of your relationship.
There are definitely relationships where people don't annoy each other this much, and I encourage you to keep looking for one, as much for the sake of your partner as for yourself. If after some time you find that you are this annoyed in all relationships -- well, I would start looking within myself to figure out how to deal with that.
posted by Pwoink at 6:02 AM on September 23, 2023 [7 favorites]
I think one of the things you need for a long term relationship (also true of friends and work relationships) is an ability to let small annoyances slide. As we used to say, "don't sweat the small stuff."
So this part is significant: "The more time that passes in our relationship, I just get more annoyed and also worry more about the deeper symptoms/consequences"
Increasing annoyance may be a sign you're not compatible, and that's okay. People can be good people and also not compatible with each other in the long term.
Ask yourself: if she never changes her ways, does the thought of being with her for years to come still make you happy?
If the answer is "yes", then find ways to make it work.
She keeps you waiting? Realise that she runs on Partner Standard Time and set meeting times 15-30 minutes earlier.
When you're cuddling and she gets too loud in your ear, use your calm adult words to say "Ow, that was too loud too close".
Find a time to talk honestly, intimately to each other about the levels of public affection you both want.
"Stingy/generous" is about financial values, and also partly about a person's background and what makes them feel secure. This is an important thing for couples to be able to talk about; money and emotions intersect in all sorts of weird ways. When you talk, expect it to be weird; people relate to this stuff in different ways and her attitudes to money may not make "sense" to you. Listen, don't judge and find ways to work together.
DO NOT "tease" her in front of others about things that genuinely annoy you. That level is nigh-impossible to find. Teasing is for fun things; otherwise it's just humiliation, which is NOT the act of a good partner.
Dan Savage is often full of shit, but this speech (referenced by Serene Empress Dork above) has some truth to it: The Price Of Admission
So this part is significant: "The more time that passes in our relationship, I just get more annoyed and also worry more about the deeper symptoms/consequences"
Increasing annoyance may be a sign you're not compatible, and that's okay. People can be good people and also not compatible with each other in the long term.
Ask yourself: if she never changes her ways, does the thought of being with her for years to come still make you happy?
If the answer is "yes", then find ways to make it work.
She keeps you waiting? Realise that she runs on Partner Standard Time and set meeting times 15-30 minutes earlier.
When you're cuddling and she gets too loud in your ear, use your calm adult words to say "Ow, that was too loud too close".
Find a time to talk honestly, intimately to each other about the levels of public affection you both want.
"Stingy/generous" is about financial values, and also partly about a person's background and what makes them feel secure. This is an important thing for couples to be able to talk about; money and emotions intersect in all sorts of weird ways. When you talk, expect it to be weird; people relate to this stuff in different ways and her attitudes to money may not make "sense" to you. Listen, don't judge and find ways to work together.
DO NOT "tease" her in front of others about things that genuinely annoy you. That level is nigh-impossible to find. Teasing is for fun things; otherwise it's just humiliation, which is NOT the act of a good partner.
Dan Savage is often full of shit, but this speech (referenced by Serene Empress Dork above) has some truth to it: The Price Of Admission
Your boyfriend who chews with his mouth open, you can say, "Chew with your fucking mouth shut," and hopefully he'll get there. But if he never does, him chewing with his mouth open might be the price of admission-- it might be the price you need to pay to ride that ride.posted by Pallas Athena at 6:25 AM on September 23, 2023 [10 favorites]
[My boyfriend] doesn't put anything away, he makes a sandwich and then there's the mayonnaise jar sitting there on the counter, there's the bread, there's the milk that he left out, there's the mustard, there's the meat, all of it left out. In August. We're all going to die of ptomaine poisoning. I used to follow him around and yell "put that fucking shit away!"
And then one day, I put it away. And it took a tenth of the time that yelling at him about it would have taken, and I went, oh, right, this is one of the prices of admission.
I love him so much, it's worth it. Just to put the fucking mayonnaise away myself.
I feel like the real problem here isn't any single thing and whether it's enough or a bad sign that it annoys you. It's the 'I don't know how to talk to her about it'.
This seems like a golden opportunity for you to work on your communication skills. You should try on all sorts of approaches, for size, from dead serious to more causal to humor to angry. Find what fits you. But all of them should center "I need .... " or "I want" or "I'd really like', not 'you should" out shouldn't. And some sort of "this is important to me". Really - it's that simple. But those are really hard words for many people to say. This is work, but work that will pay off in spades.
People who love and value you will respond to 'I need.' Wouldn't you?
posted by Dashy at 6:27 AM on September 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
This seems like a golden opportunity for you to work on your communication skills. You should try on all sorts of approaches, for size, from dead serious to more causal to humor to angry. Find what fits you. But all of them should center "I need .... " or "I want" or "I'd really like', not 'you should" out shouldn't. And some sort of "this is important to me". Really - it's that simple. But those are really hard words for many people to say. This is work, but work that will pay off in spades.
People who love and value you will respond to 'I need.' Wouldn't you?
posted by Dashy at 6:27 AM on September 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
When I feel like I’m annoyed by my spouse much more than usual, I ask myself what’s going on with me. Am I actually mad about something else and my weird brain decided that means he’s breathing too loudly? Would I feel less annoyed if I talked to him or had something to eat or took a nap?
But this person isn’t your spouse. My spouse and I share babbies and a mortgage and nearly OMG two decades of history. It sounds like you and your partner do not. Are the things she does too annoying for you to deal with long term? That’s up to you.
posted by kat518 at 6:29 AM on September 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
But this person isn’t your spouse. My spouse and I share babbies and a mortgage and nearly OMG two decades of history. It sounds like you and your partner do not. Are the things she does too annoying for you to deal with long term? That’s up to you.
posted by kat518 at 6:29 AM on September 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
One thing that jumped out at me, is that you describe yourself as "uptight." That does fome across pretty clearly in the way you describe what annoys you. I would encourage you to reflect on this a bit.
Are you uptight in other situations? With work colleagues? Family? Do your friends comment on it?
Then think about how thus uptightness is serving you. Maybe it helps you be more detail oriented at work or keep yourself organized at home.
But it does not seem to be serving you in this relationship. You seem to lack perspective on what are minor vs major annoyances. Relationships require flexibility and the ability to let certain things roll off your back. You're not bringing that quality to the relationship right now.
Talking with a partner about issues is hard, but necessary. Go into conversations assuming the best, with a willingness to accept your role in whatever situation you're trying to resolve (it's not just your partner being annoying, you're being uptight), and be prepared for non-resolutiion (behavior change may or may not happen, it's hard to change, don't expect it).
posted by brookeb at 6:42 AM on September 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
Are you uptight in other situations? With work colleagues? Family? Do your friends comment on it?
Then think about how thus uptightness is serving you. Maybe it helps you be more detail oriented at work or keep yourself organized at home.
But it does not seem to be serving you in this relationship. You seem to lack perspective on what are minor vs major annoyances. Relationships require flexibility and the ability to let certain things roll off your back. You're not bringing that quality to the relationship right now.
Talking with a partner about issues is hard, but necessary. Go into conversations assuming the best, with a willingness to accept your role in whatever situation you're trying to resolve (it's not just your partner being annoying, you're being uptight), and be prepared for non-resolutiion (behavior change may or may not happen, it's hard to change, don't expect it).
posted by brookeb at 6:42 AM on September 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
Oh my goodness, you definitely don't need to talk to her about this. You just don't like her! Let her be with someone who does.
posted by shadygrove at 6:43 AM on September 23, 2023 [34 favorites]
posted by shadygrove at 6:43 AM on September 23, 2023 [34 favorites]
BREAK UP. Every time you tell her you love her, you are gaslighting her.
Your contempt, disrespect, and dislike towards her normal manner of existence (omg how fucking dare she PEE before leaving the house!!) absolutely precludes any possibility of love.
posted by MiraK at 6:56 AM on September 23, 2023 [29 favorites]
Your contempt, disrespect, and dislike towards her normal manner of existence (omg how fucking dare she PEE before leaving the house!!) absolutely precludes any possibility of love.
posted by MiraK at 6:56 AM on September 23, 2023 [29 favorites]
I would not want to sleep with someone who felt about me the way you seem to feel about her. I see contempt here and contempt kills love.
posted by eirias at 6:56 AM on September 23, 2023 [14 favorites]
posted by eirias at 6:56 AM on September 23, 2023 [14 favorites]
This isn't annoyances, this is you not liking her at all. It seems that you're picking at things and teasing is mean. Expecting her to change is manipulative. Just end it. She deserves to be with someone who treats her better and actually likes her. It hurts being with someone who wishes you were different. You just don't like her. It's only been a few months and you can't even be patient enough when she needs to use the restroom? That's saying a lot about you. If this is a stickler for you, good luck trying to find someone who doesn't need to use the restroom right away as this is very common especially as we get older.
The laughing too loud and PDA annoyances? You're just not compatible. Please, do yourselves both a favor and break-up.
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 7:12 AM on September 23, 2023 [8 favorites]
The laughing too loud and PDA annoyances? You're just not compatible. Please, do yourselves both a favor and break-up.
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 7:12 AM on September 23, 2023 [8 favorites]
Honestly, the problem here is you. Not her. You.
I would not want to be with someone who is so hypercritical of my normal habits. Do her a favor and end it.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 7:16 AM on September 23, 2023 [17 favorites]
I would not want to be with someone who is so hypercritical of my normal habits. Do her a favor and end it.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 7:16 AM on September 23, 2023 [17 favorites]
On the one hand, yes, any relationship will include being annoyed by things your partner does, and having to decide if it is something you will let slide (maybe even reframing it to yourself as an endearing quirk rather than an irritant) or talk about in the hopes of changing it. And that goes both ways -- both partners will need to change some things and find ways to adjust to the other.
But on the other hand, I agree with others that at least in how this question is worded, your irritation comes across a lot more strongly than a sense of love and connection. That might just be the consequence of relying on a few paragraphs that don't communicate the entirety of the relationship, but at a minimum I think you should interrogate if you are going to be able to be a good partner in a good relationship if you are feeling this way.
Lastly, it's worth considering which of the things that you are finding irritating are changeable/actionable, and which are just the way she is. Like, it seems likely that if showering immediately before a date is critical to you, that could get accommodated most of the time. But if you don't like her laugh, that seems unlikely to change other than you could probably shame her into not laughing, which would be terrible.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:20 AM on September 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
But on the other hand, I agree with others that at least in how this question is worded, your irritation comes across a lot more strongly than a sense of love and connection. That might just be the consequence of relying on a few paragraphs that don't communicate the entirety of the relationship, but at a minimum I think you should interrogate if you are going to be able to be a good partner in a good relationship if you are feeling this way.
Lastly, it's worth considering which of the things that you are finding irritating are changeable/actionable, and which are just the way she is. Like, it seems likely that if showering immediately before a date is critical to you, that could get accommodated most of the time. But if you don't like her laugh, that seems unlikely to change other than you could probably shame her into not laughing, which would be terrible.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:20 AM on September 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
I'd like more clarification on what "reaching out for PDA around my colleagues" means, because I'm having difficulty envisioning this.
posted by ovvl at 7:20 AM on September 23, 2023
posted by ovvl at 7:20 AM on September 23, 2023
You seem the enjoy her company, so you can still be friends. But no one should be in a relationship with someone who finds them annoying and it is only going to hurt her self-esteem. When you break up don't give her this list, because it sounds like nothing is wrong with her, just a bad match - this is definitely an ok time to say, "it's not you, it's me."
posted by Toddles at 7:35 AM on September 23, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by Toddles at 7:35 AM on September 23, 2023 [5 favorites]
I would say that if you're annoyed to the point that you're asking strangers "is this a normal amount of annoyance", it's a sign that you need to do something. However, I don't necessarily agree with some of the others in here that the "something" you need to do is break up with her.
I would actually consider couples' counselling. You say that one of your problems is that you don't know how to talk to your girlfriend about the stuff that's bothering you; a counselor can help you do that. And - and this is important - a counselor can also help you start listening to what your girlfriend says when she comes back and explains why she's doing That Shit That Bugs You.
The reason that's so important is that right now you're thinking "ugh, I have no idea why she's trying to be all kissy and snuggly when I'm hanging around my bros" (I am assuming that's what you mean when you say she "reaches out for PDA around my colleagues"), and you're just thinking it's annoying. I'm assuming that if you tried to have a conversation about that, it might be like:
But - a counselor can help you have a conversation that goes like this:
A counselor can help you get to a point where you can have the conversation like that - and can also help each of you get to the bottom of "wait, why DOES this bother me so much in the first place." MInd you, there's also the possibility that once you each get to the bottom of figuring that kind of thing out, you realize that 'hang on, this isn't going to work out," but at least you tried to work on figuring this shit out first.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:08 AM on September 23, 2023 [5 favorites]
I would actually consider couples' counselling. You say that one of your problems is that you don't know how to talk to your girlfriend about the stuff that's bothering you; a counselor can help you do that. And - and this is important - a counselor can also help you start listening to what your girlfriend says when she comes back and explains why she's doing That Shit That Bugs You.
The reason that's so important is that right now you're thinking "ugh, I have no idea why she's trying to be all kissy and snuggly when I'm hanging around my bros" (I am assuming that's what you mean when you say she "reaches out for PDA around my colleagues"), and you're just thinking it's annoying. I'm assuming that if you tried to have a conversation about that, it might be like:
"Babe, it bugs me when you do that, stop it!"
"What, you don't wanna kiss me? What's wrong with you?"
"It's not that, it's just....can't you wait until we're private?"
"Why, are you ashamed of me or something?...."
But - a counselor can help you have a conversation that goes like this:
"Babe, here's the thing - when you try to get all kissy and snuggly around the guys from work, it makes me uneasy because that guy Jake teases me for WEEKS about how awesome the sex must have been when we got home and I hate him talking about you like that."You see the difference, yeah? In the first place you're just telling her to stop doing something, and she doesn't know why you're asking about that and she's getting defensive. But in the second case, you're telling her WHY what she's doing is a problem, and she's telling you WHY she's doing what SHE'S doing, and now you each have a better idea of what's going on with each other and now you're on the same team trying to find a solution that satisfies you both.
"Wow, okay - I had no idea, I'm sorry. Here's the thing though - I had an old boyfriend who got so bro-y around his co-workers that he ended up staying out all night with them and they went to see hookers, and it just kind of makes me scared that you're going to do that too. I'm trying to remember that that's not something you'd do, but sometimes that's hard."
"Oh, sweetie, I had no idea, I'm sorry too. How about this - how about instead of you trying to get a PDA, we do something subtle that's just 'us', you know?"
"How about we low-key bump elbows or feet or something?"
"Oh, that's perfect."
A counselor can help you get to a point where you can have the conversation like that - and can also help each of you get to the bottom of "wait, why DOES this bother me so much in the first place." MInd you, there's also the possibility that once you each get to the bottom of figuring that kind of thing out, you realize that 'hang on, this isn't going to work out," but at least you tried to work on figuring this shit out first.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:08 AM on September 23, 2023 [5 favorites]
This is all you need to know:
The more time that passes in our relationship, I just get more annoyed
This is not the trajectory of a relationship that is getting better. This is the trajectory of a relationship that is arcing towards dislike and contempt.
I'm not going to berate you for being annoyed by whatever you're annoyed by. Just telling you this is not what happens in happy relationships. In happy relationships, it's a momentary eyeroll for trivial stuff, and finding a solution when things seem like they're actually causing a problem. Not this increasing distaste and resentment that you're describing.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:26 AM on September 23, 2023 [13 favorites]
The more time that passes in our relationship, I just get more annoyed
This is not the trajectory of a relationship that is getting better. This is the trajectory of a relationship that is arcing towards dislike and contempt.
I'm not going to berate you for being annoyed by whatever you're annoyed by. Just telling you this is not what happens in happy relationships. In happy relationships, it's a momentary eyeroll for trivial stuff, and finding a solution when things seem like they're actually causing a problem. Not this increasing distaste and resentment that you're describing.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:26 AM on September 23, 2023 [13 favorites]
The more time that passes in our relationship, I just get more annoyed
So to answer your question, this isn't normal, and it does mean that you probably shouldn't be together. The reason isn't just that you're incompatible, it's that you don't have the fundamental feelings in your relationship that should be papering over those annoyances for you.
So, my partner does objectively annoying things, that have annoyed me in past relationships. But I love them, and so somehow they just never really seem to actually annoy me. Similarly, I do things that have annoyed my partner in their past relationships. My partner, like you, for example, is not a big PDA person - but with me, they don't mind. People can be together and have a great relationship even if they're very different - but they can't do it if they're not in love with each other or at least infatuated. And if you don't have either of those two, then it's not really kind to either of you to be together.
posted by corb at 8:26 AM on September 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
So to answer your question, this isn't normal, and it does mean that you probably shouldn't be together. The reason isn't just that you're incompatible, it's that you don't have the fundamental feelings in your relationship that should be papering over those annoyances for you.
So, my partner does objectively annoying things, that have annoyed me in past relationships. But I love them, and so somehow they just never really seem to actually annoy me. Similarly, I do things that have annoyed my partner in their past relationships. My partner, like you, for example, is not a big PDA person - but with me, they don't mind. People can be together and have a great relationship even if they're very different - but they can't do it if they're not in love with each other or at least infatuated. And if you don't have either of those two, then it's not really kind to either of you to be together.
posted by corb at 8:26 AM on September 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
It does sound as if you just don’t like this person, you appreciate things on a logical level but there is no magic.
So you might be built in a way that has no magic receptor. That’s OK but you should think of the scorecard and find a person who also experiences the world that way.
If this is just fear, there are no annoyance-free lifetime arrangements, and in fact life may hand out some super unfair beatdowns and you need to be ready to support the other person. When the good occurs to you even in the moment of annoyance, you have something great, then fear not. Otherwise listen to the fear and bail.
Also know that a marriage can bring no fewer than four put-food-in-your-gob-before-you-talk in-laws to your table that makes you want to blow up the house each time, and you learn to love them too.
But srsly no joking chiding or gaslighting or even expecting to bend someone’s lifetime muscle memory and CNS pathways to your will. That’s not cool, and it will fail.
posted by drowsy at 8:33 AM on September 23, 2023 [4 favorites]
So you might be built in a way that has no magic receptor. That’s OK but you should think of the scorecard and find a person who also experiences the world that way.
If this is just fear, there are no annoyance-free lifetime arrangements, and in fact life may hand out some super unfair beatdowns and you need to be ready to support the other person. When the good occurs to you even in the moment of annoyance, you have something great, then fear not. Otherwise listen to the fear and bail.
Also know that a marriage can bring no fewer than four put-food-in-your-gob-before-you-talk in-laws to your table that makes you want to blow up the house each time, and you learn to love them too.
But srsly no joking chiding or gaslighting or even expecting to bend someone’s lifetime muscle memory and CNS pathways to your will. That’s not cool, and it will fail.
posted by drowsy at 8:33 AM on September 23, 2023 [4 favorites]
I am freshly single and I have to say, in all my past relationships and situationships, I have never found someone annoying in the way you're describing your partner. Sure, maybe we were ultimately incompatible and that revealed itself over time -- or suddenly in an awkward way -- but it wasn't a laundry list of annoyances plus my asking for them to change. Again, not saying they were all great but I simply liked them enough for it not to be a thing. I think I'm very choosy about partners -- it's why I've been single for most of the past five years -- but I also know I can be really hopeful and choose the wrong person despite initial chemistry and a sense that we could be compatible.
It sounds like you love and respect her but don't like her that much. You keep wanting her to change and that's unfair. It's one thing to ask for a partner to switch to taking off their shoes when they enter the house or waiting to discuss big topics in person versus via text; it's another to ask them to completely change their core behaviors. FWIW I am a very physical person but do not do PDA around colleagues so that would annoy me too; however, what you describe is so much more than that. There is someone out there who would love to do favors for her and will make her so happy. There is someone out there for you who is as into hygiene as you are. (Not I because I shower almost every day but rarely right before a date and I always have to pee at least once on outings.) I too prefer generous people: however frugal I can be with myself, I like to treat friends and dates. Finances are a big deal and compatibility is important.
I'm not saying you "need" to break up but it sounds like this is not working anymore, and I'm sorry. You both sound like lovely people who care for each other and want the best. That's very positive! One day you could be friends; it sounds painful but is not to be discounted. I do think it's worth exploring yourself in therapy because it's beneficial to us all. Breakups suck but being single isn't so bad, even awesome at times!
posted by smorgasbord at 8:40 AM on September 23, 2023 [3 favorites]
It sounds like you love and respect her but don't like her that much. You keep wanting her to change and that's unfair. It's one thing to ask for a partner to switch to taking off their shoes when they enter the house or waiting to discuss big topics in person versus via text; it's another to ask them to completely change their core behaviors. FWIW I am a very physical person but do not do PDA around colleagues so that would annoy me too; however, what you describe is so much more than that. There is someone out there who would love to do favors for her and will make her so happy. There is someone out there for you who is as into hygiene as you are. (Not I because I shower almost every day but rarely right before a date and I always have to pee at least once on outings.) I too prefer generous people: however frugal I can be with myself, I like to treat friends and dates. Finances are a big deal and compatibility is important.
I'm not saying you "need" to break up but it sounds like this is not working anymore, and I'm sorry. You both sound like lovely people who care for each other and want the best. That's very positive! One day you could be friends; it sounds painful but is not to be discounted. I do think it's worth exploring yourself in therapy because it's beneficial to us all. Breakups suck but being single isn't so bad, even awesome at times!
posted by smorgasbord at 8:40 AM on September 23, 2023 [3 favorites]
This isn’t great, especially at what, less than a year? Let her go find a partner who loves her. I note you stated that she really likes you, not that you like her. Do you actually like her? It doesn’t sound like it.
I dated someone who was pretty uptight and a bit controlling who’d get irritated at lots of little things. I eventually realized he had a ton of anxiety and came from a background with an overly critical parent. He desperately wanted to be chill, but he was not chill.
Anyway, if that sounds like you, I highly encourage you to get into therapy.
It might also be worth thinking about what you bring to a relationship, not just how your partner can support you. But first please break up with this woman, and especially before you get to the bitch eating crackers stage.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:51 AM on September 23, 2023 [8 favorites]
I dated someone who was pretty uptight and a bit controlling who’d get irritated at lots of little things. I eventually realized he had a ton of anxiety and came from a background with an overly critical parent. He desperately wanted to be chill, but he was not chill.
Anyway, if that sounds like you, I highly encourage you to get into therapy.
It might also be worth thinking about what you bring to a relationship, not just how your partner can support you. But first please break up with this woman, and especially before you get to the bitch eating crackers stage.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:51 AM on September 23, 2023 [8 favorites]
Please dump this woman so she can pee without someone resenting her for it. Yikes.
I'm coming at this with a "historically I am not a long term relationship kind of person" perspective but no it has never once worked out for me when I've dated someone I'm annoyed by.
posted by phunniemee at 9:01 AM on September 23, 2023 [16 favorites]
I'm coming at this with a "historically I am not a long term relationship kind of person" perspective but no it has never once worked out for me when I've dated someone I'm annoyed by.
posted by phunniemee at 9:01 AM on September 23, 2023 [16 favorites]
Once you start to feel contempt for a partner it's over. It sounds like you feel contempt for those things that are part of her personality, the volume she speaks at, her comfort level with hygiene and her public presentation. These are not things that will ever change. You might get her to be neurotically worried about losing you so that she would talk in a whisper and never ask for affection, but if you feel increasing annoyance over those things now, you are bound to feel annoyed at many more things she does, the longer you spend time with her.
You are going to start being annoyed by the expression on her face, or her being tentative around you, or her not being tentative around you, or her choice in trousers, or the fact that she likes peanut butter...
You have two choices: one is to go on with the relationship, with you getting meaner and meaner and more critical, which will turn you into a bad person as your feelings become more visible, or breaking up with her before it gets that bad.
People can be annoying - but annoyances are brief and fleeting and are tiny things in a healthy relationships that is working. Sometimes there are lasting issues, like having a partner who doesn't clean up after themself, but then you find a work around, such as no longer sharing a kitchen, or getting someone in to clean, or trading cleaning up after them for them working on your car and doing other chores and you accept that they will never be someone who will clean up after themself.
You can't make them change, although you can harass them into trying. When you are annoyed at someone like that, you have, on some level, begun to regard them as an enemy. They can do no right in your eyes because you don't want to see them or hear them or interact with them on terms of equals. Your annoyance is manifesting a desire to control your partner - but you can't control someone like that, not even a child when you are a parent. Trying to control them is taking away their autonomy and is abusive.
Consider if your partner presented you with a laundry list of things you had to do to meet her expectations, or she would be constantly low level angry and disgusted at you: You need to provide her with PDA's when you around your colleagues. She wants you to not be so careless about giving so much to her and other people unnecessarily. She wants you to stop being so picky about both of you needing so many showers, and you have to stop impatient when you want to leave and she's still getting ready... Imagine if she presented you with a whole list of stuff like this and told you you needed to seriously change your attitude and the way you interacted with her. Would you be grateful that she was giving you a chance to improve the relationship, and would you be glad to do those things because really, you feel those are faults that you need some help fixing? How would she feel if you decided to give her a chance to change? The answer is that neither of you will feel cherished, appreciated or respected.
You just don't try to make other people toe the line in small ways like that. It's belittling and futile and picky. If she DID make an effort to change these habits to be more the way you want, you can assume it would be a LOT of effort for her - so what would you be offering her that would be worth it? It's a big ask. Chances are she's not much interested in material things, like you buying dinner or gifts, since she take the generosity you show her fairly lightly and doesn't reciprocate. So what could you do to show her how much you love her and how much it is worth it to you? Remember, it would have to be something you do every day for the rest of the relationship and something that preoccupies you whenever you are together and before you are going to meet. A daily bouquet of flowers could be easily automated. It wouldn't balance things out.
So no, the kind of annoyance you are describing is not the kind of annoyance you can and should shrug off. You are in the process of un-bonding with her. It's good that your asking this question and getting a reality check. It's not good that you feel this way. You're at the beginning of the slippery slope where you will end up being a very bad person, if you do not take steps to turn off the feeling. Unfortunately, it's really unlikely that you can turn your own feelings around. If you can't you need to break up, so that you never see her and never feel that irritation and disgust.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:31 AM on September 23, 2023 [9 favorites]
You are going to start being annoyed by the expression on her face, or her being tentative around you, or her not being tentative around you, or her choice in trousers, or the fact that she likes peanut butter...
You have two choices: one is to go on with the relationship, with you getting meaner and meaner and more critical, which will turn you into a bad person as your feelings become more visible, or breaking up with her before it gets that bad.
People can be annoying - but annoyances are brief and fleeting and are tiny things in a healthy relationships that is working. Sometimes there are lasting issues, like having a partner who doesn't clean up after themself, but then you find a work around, such as no longer sharing a kitchen, or getting someone in to clean, or trading cleaning up after them for them working on your car and doing other chores and you accept that they will never be someone who will clean up after themself.
You can't make them change, although you can harass them into trying. When you are annoyed at someone like that, you have, on some level, begun to regard them as an enemy. They can do no right in your eyes because you don't want to see them or hear them or interact with them on terms of equals. Your annoyance is manifesting a desire to control your partner - but you can't control someone like that, not even a child when you are a parent. Trying to control them is taking away their autonomy and is abusive.
Consider if your partner presented you with a laundry list of things you had to do to meet her expectations, or she would be constantly low level angry and disgusted at you: You need to provide her with PDA's when you around your colleagues. She wants you to not be so careless about giving so much to her and other people unnecessarily. She wants you to stop being so picky about both of you needing so many showers, and you have to stop impatient when you want to leave and she's still getting ready... Imagine if she presented you with a whole list of stuff like this and told you you needed to seriously change your attitude and the way you interacted with her. Would you be grateful that she was giving you a chance to improve the relationship, and would you be glad to do those things because really, you feel those are faults that you need some help fixing? How would she feel if you decided to give her a chance to change? The answer is that neither of you will feel cherished, appreciated or respected.
You just don't try to make other people toe the line in small ways like that. It's belittling and futile and picky. If she DID make an effort to change these habits to be more the way you want, you can assume it would be a LOT of effort for her - so what would you be offering her that would be worth it? It's a big ask. Chances are she's not much interested in material things, like you buying dinner or gifts, since she take the generosity you show her fairly lightly and doesn't reciprocate. So what could you do to show her how much you love her and how much it is worth it to you? Remember, it would have to be something you do every day for the rest of the relationship and something that preoccupies you whenever you are together and before you are going to meet. A daily bouquet of flowers could be easily automated. It wouldn't balance things out.
So no, the kind of annoyance you are describing is not the kind of annoyance you can and should shrug off. You are in the process of un-bonding with her. It's good that your asking this question and getting a reality check. It's not good that you feel this way. You're at the beginning of the slippery slope where you will end up being a very bad person, if you do not take steps to turn off the feeling. Unfortunately, it's really unlikely that you can turn your own feelings around. If you can't you need to break up, so that you never see her and never feel that irritation and disgust.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:31 AM on September 23, 2023 [9 favorites]
It seems you want her to:
Not pee when you made plans (?)
Always shower before dates (is there an actual hygiene issue? what does that look like if you’d ever move in together?)
Not speak or laugh too loudly
Never (?) have PDA around coworkers (what is she doing? Trying to hold your hand? Kiss you?)
Can’t ask you for favors that you find to be “too big of a pain in the ass”
Has to coordinate better on any errands (presumably do what you want when you want)
And she needs to be always supportive of you? When you don’t seem to be with her?
No. This isn’t normal annoyance. This seems controlling. This seems like you are so uptight you want some “perfect” version of a woman who only does what you want when you want and does everything for you but can’t be a whole human herself with her own needs and wants.
This reeks of a lot of misogyny and viewing her with far less humanity than you view yourself with.
And I’m glad you asked, because it opens a dialogue for you to do some introspection. It allows you to do better, be a better partner, and treat others more kindly.
While you do that work though, you need to very gently break up with her. Tell her she is SO wonderful, but it’s just not working out. Do not bring up ANYTHING you view as negative. Then work on yourself and your view of women and balance in relationships before getting into another one.
posted by Crystalinne at 10:21 AM on September 23, 2023 [25 favorites]
Not pee when you made plans (?)
Always shower before dates (is there an actual hygiene issue? what does that look like if you’d ever move in together?)
Not speak or laugh too loudly
Never (?) have PDA around coworkers (what is she doing? Trying to hold your hand? Kiss you?)
Can’t ask you for favors that you find to be “too big of a pain in the ass”
Has to coordinate better on any errands (presumably do what you want when you want)
And she needs to be always supportive of you? When you don’t seem to be with her?
No. This isn’t normal annoyance. This seems controlling. This seems like you are so uptight you want some “perfect” version of a woman who only does what you want when you want and does everything for you but can’t be a whole human herself with her own needs and wants.
This reeks of a lot of misogyny and viewing her with far less humanity than you view yourself with.
And I’m glad you asked, because it opens a dialogue for you to do some introspection. It allows you to do better, be a better partner, and treat others more kindly.
While you do that work though, you need to very gently break up with her. Tell her she is SO wonderful, but it’s just not working out. Do not bring up ANYTHING you view as negative. Then work on yourself and your view of women and balance in relationships before getting into another one.
posted by Crystalinne at 10:21 AM on September 23, 2023 [25 favorites]
Just to clarify, you've mentioned you're "uptight," these are habits you would want her to change in order for you to feel she can be supportive to you, and you're anxious and worried that you'll not be happy with her because it's only months in and you're already so anxious and uptight about really minor things.
I don't know if you are nuerodivergent or if this is just misogyny.
Her not showering is a problem because A. She smells? Or B. You are being judgmental of someone who doesn't shower every time they go out?
Her laughing too loud in your ear is a problem because A. You are hypersensitive to noise and it can trigger anxiety? Or B. You believe women should not be too loud or "embarasing" in public?
Her going to the bathroom just when she gets there is a problem because A. You get anxious being alone waiting or B. She's wasting your time and you shouldn't have to wait for her one minute even if she has physical needs to take care of?
I can go on. Either A or B... you're not compatible. If it's B, you need to do a lot of self-work on how YOU can become a more empathetic partner before you try to date anyone else. It sounds like you won't be happy with anyone if this is the case.
It's it's A, I can see some room for discussion but tbh, no one should have to cater to your needs that deeply to change their own personality.
Just move on, do some deep work on yourself to figure out why you're so ultra-critical and do some work before you date again.
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 10:58 AM on September 23, 2023 [12 favorites]
I don't know if you are nuerodivergent or if this is just misogyny.
Her not showering is a problem because A. She smells? Or B. You are being judgmental of someone who doesn't shower every time they go out?
Her laughing too loud in your ear is a problem because A. You are hypersensitive to noise and it can trigger anxiety? Or B. You believe women should not be too loud or "embarasing" in public?
Her going to the bathroom just when she gets there is a problem because A. You get anxious being alone waiting or B. She's wasting your time and you shouldn't have to wait for her one minute even if she has physical needs to take care of?
I can go on. Either A or B... you're not compatible. If it's B, you need to do a lot of self-work on how YOU can become a more empathetic partner before you try to date anyone else. It sounds like you won't be happy with anyone if this is the case.
It's it's A, I can see some room for discussion but tbh, no one should have to cater to your needs that deeply to change their own personality.
Just move on, do some deep work on yourself to figure out why you're so ultra-critical and do some work before you date again.
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 10:58 AM on September 23, 2023 [12 favorites]
I also think you should just break up, as a kindness to her and yourself. Seven years into a relationship, yes, I find some of my partner's characteristics annoying - but when I could count the length of our relationship in months, I just thought he was amazing. This is way too soon to be this annoyed by someone.
But also, I'd encourage you to consider whether your uptightness is serving you. This is a long-term question to explore, on your own after you break up with this woman. Like, the requirement that a partner always be ready precisely on the dot for a date is going to weed out a lot of people. It's one thing to expect a partner to be reasonably on time, but it's a bit extreme to expect them to treat a date like a job interview. Likewise, it's reasonable to want a partner not to reek on a date, but to always be freshly showered seems a bit much, unless their work is particularly stinky (I mean yeah, if she worked on a farm scooping manure all day I'd get it, but if she has an office job?).
It is, of course possible, that as others have pointed out, you just don't actually like her much personality-wise, and that's causing you to focus on these minor points. If you find this is a pattern in dating (i.e. that little things bug you early on in dating), then that would be a "you" problem to work on. But if the next person you date is also often a couple minutes late and you couldn't care less, well, then you'll know the issue here was just you weren't that into the other person. It happens, and it's not a crime unless you waste more of this woman's time.
posted by coffeecat at 11:04 AM on September 23, 2023 [4 favorites]
But also, I'd encourage you to consider whether your uptightness is serving you. This is a long-term question to explore, on your own after you break up with this woman. Like, the requirement that a partner always be ready precisely on the dot for a date is going to weed out a lot of people. It's one thing to expect a partner to be reasonably on time, but it's a bit extreme to expect them to treat a date like a job interview. Likewise, it's reasonable to want a partner not to reek on a date, but to always be freshly showered seems a bit much, unless their work is particularly stinky (I mean yeah, if she worked on a farm scooping manure all day I'd get it, but if she has an office job?).
It is, of course possible, that as others have pointed out, you just don't actually like her much personality-wise, and that's causing you to focus on these minor points. If you find this is a pattern in dating (i.e. that little things bug you early on in dating), then that would be a "you" problem to work on. But if the next person you date is also often a couple minutes late and you couldn't care less, well, then you'll know the issue here was just you weren't that into the other person. It happens, and it's not a crime unless you waste more of this woman's time.
posted by coffeecat at 11:04 AM on September 23, 2023 [4 favorites]
Haha I just typed all this out and coffeecat wrote something similar. I think a historical view is important. If this is something that is isolated to this partner and there are no environmental factors that explain an increase in your stress and anxiety that could be manifesting increased annoyance, then I agree with everyone saying it is a compatibility issue and you should probably breakup as it seems to be only escalating.
However if this is a trend with partners or could be a result of ambient stress, dealing with the stress and reevaluating or trying to do some sort of mental-health interventions first seems like the move before breaking up with someone you like.
Some of the stuff they are doing sound annoying to me too but ultimately forgivable if you liked the person enough, because its sort of typical annoying behavior that everyone does ( I think i do some of these things). Sounds like you don't like them enough in general for amorphous reasons and your brain is trying to rationalize reasons to distance yourself (as others have said).
I don't think there's really enough here to demonstrate you're a horrible critical misogynist, I am always amazed at peoples ability to project onto these ask.metafilter questions.
posted by Res0ndf7 at 11:07 AM on September 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
However if this is a trend with partners or could be a result of ambient stress, dealing with the stress and reevaluating or trying to do some sort of mental-health interventions first seems like the move before breaking up with someone you like.
Some of the stuff they are doing sound annoying to me too but ultimately forgivable if you liked the person enough, because its sort of typical annoying behavior that everyone does ( I think i do some of these things). Sounds like you don't like them enough in general for amorphous reasons and your brain is trying to rationalize reasons to distance yourself (as others have said).
I don't think there's really enough here to demonstrate you're a horrible critical misogynist, I am always amazed at peoples ability to project onto these ask.metafilter questions.
posted by Res0ndf7 at 11:07 AM on September 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
My husband annoys me every day, several times, and he makes me feel sweetly happy every day at least that many times. And all in all I feel like we are a pretty awesome, strong team. We've been married since 2005.
However, I've noticed that when everything he does annoys the shit out of me, it's usually because I'm generally in a bad place and displeased with my lot in life. The same way that when I'm stressed out by work and in a hurry on my commute, I could kill every single idiot who blocks my way in the subway station. When I'm generally okay with life, people are great and I smile at everyone, even the bumblers.
So I would suggest that maybe when your partner can't stop annoying you, it's because you feel very keenly that you could be having a much more enjoyable time than you are. And you have the murky feeling that if only she weren't behaving so unreasonably, your contentment might at least get the chance to show itself.
That's a lot of displaced blame.
Figure out what is missing in your life. What kind of life do you feel you could be having? What's stopping you? (Probably not your partner!) Once you focus on making your own life happier, you can decide whether your partner is someone you want to spend it with.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:38 AM on September 23, 2023 [16 favorites]
However, I've noticed that when everything he does annoys the shit out of me, it's usually because I'm generally in a bad place and displeased with my lot in life. The same way that when I'm stressed out by work and in a hurry on my commute, I could kill every single idiot who blocks my way in the subway station. When I'm generally okay with life, people are great and I smile at everyone, even the bumblers.
So I would suggest that maybe when your partner can't stop annoying you, it's because you feel very keenly that you could be having a much more enjoyable time than you are. And you have the murky feeling that if only she weren't behaving so unreasonably, your contentment might at least get the chance to show itself.
That's a lot of displaced blame.
Figure out what is missing in your life. What kind of life do you feel you could be having? What's stopping you? (Probably not your partner!) Once you focus on making your own life happier, you can decide whether your partner is someone you want to spend it with.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:38 AM on September 23, 2023 [16 favorites]
You don't like this woman. You're probably well on your way to feeling contempt for her. You like that she's a good match on paper and how much she Iikes you feels good, but you don't actually enjoy being around her. Long-term partnership is mostly hanging out with another person interspersed with lots of domestic chores and occasional crises. If you really like each other, if you're friends and lovers both, hanging out with each other is wonderful. If you don't, it's torture.
Absolutely do not have a conversation with this woman about how her personality and habits annoy you. That's cruel almost to the point of perversity. Set her free, please, and find someone who makes you smile, not cringe.
posted by mostlymartha at 12:06 PM on September 23, 2023 [9 favorites]
Absolutely do not have a conversation with this woman about how her personality and habits annoy you. That's cruel almost to the point of perversity. Set her free, please, and find someone who makes you smile, not cringe.
posted by mostlymartha at 12:06 PM on September 23, 2023 [9 favorites]
You guys don't sound compatible. Let her go.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 12:40 PM on September 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by easy, lucky, free at 12:40 PM on September 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
However, I've noticed that when everything he does annoys the shit out of me, it's usually because I'm generally in a bad place and displeased with my lot in life.
This is the one. I notice things like this but am not normally irritated by them—and I don't just mean that I'm not resentful, not keeping score in my head, etc. I genuinely do not normally experience irritation about them. Often I think they are cute or funny. The peccadilloes of the people who are precious to us can be really endearing! At worst they're neutral/mysterious ("HOW are you still in the bathroom" kind of thing). It is only when I'm having my own personal internal Brain Event that they become sources of friction or annoyance—or, of course, when the harmless behaviors don't belong to my partner, but to someone who already slightly bugs me anyway. Either you don't really like her that much, or you need to sort out your own shit. Let her go.
posted by babelfish at 1:24 PM on September 23, 2023 [3 favorites]
This is the one. I notice things like this but am not normally irritated by them—and I don't just mean that I'm not resentful, not keeping score in my head, etc. I genuinely do not normally experience irritation about them. Often I think they are cute or funny. The peccadilloes of the people who are precious to us can be really endearing! At worst they're neutral/mysterious ("HOW are you still in the bathroom" kind of thing). It is only when I'm having my own personal internal Brain Event that they become sources of friction or annoyance—or, of course, when the harmless behaviors don't belong to my partner, but to someone who already slightly bugs me anyway. Either you don't really like her that much, or you need to sort out your own shit. Let her go.
posted by babelfish at 1:24 PM on September 23, 2023 [3 favorites]
It’s only been “many months”…? Definitely not a good sign, especially so early on in a relationship. It seems like you don’t like her and are not particularly attracted to her. This will get worse, not better. End things kindly (ie. without telling her about her “annoying habits”) and move on.
posted by Weng at 4:34 PM on September 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Weng at 4:34 PM on September 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
Are you by any chance introverted or otherwise very independent? When I entered into my relationship, I struggled a lot with being annoyed by my partner once the first few exciting months had passed. Turn out, I was overstimulated from all the social contact, and I wasn’t fully voicing my needs and boundaries, which led to a lot of resentment. Since then, I’ve had to work on taking enough alone time and productively working through our little interpersonal issues in a way that’s about compromise and teamwork, not blame. There’s a middle ground between “shut up and deal with it” and “criticize the hell out of your partner.” Finding that space has helped a lot.
posted by ceramicspaniel at 5:23 PM on September 23, 2023 [8 favorites]
posted by ceramicspaniel at 5:23 PM on September 23, 2023 [8 favorites]
Just in case it hasn’t sunk in yet from others mentioning it, I want to say it straight out - you policing her trips to the bathroom is completely unreasonable, full stop. People use the bathroom when they need to use the bathroom. It is a normal bodily function and everything about it differs from person to person. I feel like if it upsets you when she pees or poops at a time that’s not convenient for you, it’s just a matter of time before you can’t stand the way she breathes.
posted by MexicanYenta at 7:01 PM on September 23, 2023 [11 favorites]
posted by MexicanYenta at 7:01 PM on September 23, 2023 [11 favorites]
You're framing these as static personality type issues. In my experience, relationships are dynamic systems where everything interacts with everything else.
Ask yourself if there's any possibility that you are complicit in creating these situations that annoy you so much.
One classic dynamic is that partner A closes up and distances themself which triggers partner B's insecurities. Partner B then comes on stronger, trying to bridge the gap, which makes partner A withdraw even more. It's a vicious cycle.
You say you don't know how to talk to her about this. How about you devote some time and energy to learning how? Communication is a skill that will serve you well, in many circumstances.
posted by jasper411 at 9:40 PM on September 23, 2023 [3 favorites]
Ask yourself if there's any possibility that you are complicit in creating these situations that annoy you so much.
One classic dynamic is that partner A closes up and distances themself which triggers partner B's insecurities. Partner B then comes on stronger, trying to bridge the gap, which makes partner A withdraw even more. It's a vicious cycle.
You say you don't know how to talk to her about this. How about you devote some time and energy to learning how? Communication is a skill that will serve you well, in many circumstances.
posted by jasper411 at 9:40 PM on September 23, 2023 [3 favorites]
You are in bitch eating crackers territory. You don’t like her enough to overlook her foibles. If she stopped doing all the things you’ve said annoy you, you’d soon find a host more of her habits infuriating.
It’s ok to break up with an otherwise good person for annoying the shit out of you.
Btw I told my husband once that an ex of mine had so many annoying habits. He asked, like what? I said, I don’t know, he chewed his nails. My husband said, I chew my nails. I had genuinely never noticed, and don’t care now I have.
posted by Dwardles at 11:13 PM on September 23, 2023 [9 favorites]
It’s ok to break up with an otherwise good person for annoying the shit out of you.
Btw I told my husband once that an ex of mine had so many annoying habits. He asked, like what? I said, I don’t know, he chewed his nails. My husband said, I chew my nails. I had genuinely never noticed, and don’t care now I have.
posted by Dwardles at 11:13 PM on September 23, 2023 [9 favorites]
Good advice here all around.
Just a general question for self reflection: Are you always this nit-picky for girlfriends or is this a new thing for you?
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:26 AM on September 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
Just a general question for self reflection: Are you always this nit-picky for girlfriends or is this a new thing for you?
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:26 AM on September 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
You are in bitch eating crackers territory. You don’t like her enough to overlook her foibles. (...)
It’s ok to break up with an otherwise good person for annoying the shit out of you.
Exactly, came here to say this.
But also, after reading all the comments, I just want to say that I for one don't think that makes you neurodivergent or particularly nitpicky or even a mysogynist. It's okay to find a particular woman annoying! People here have focused too much on what you yourself have called "small" things, and you have been understandably (since you're posting anonymously) vague about the "bigger" things that bother you, but the combination of small and bigger things listed here, however vaguely, does seem to me to suggest that you aren't that good of a match after all.
Go find someone who charms you more than they annoy you, and let her find the same.
posted by bitteschoen at 3:36 AM on September 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
It’s ok to break up with an otherwise good person for annoying the shit out of you.
Exactly, came here to say this.
But also, after reading all the comments, I just want to say that I for one don't think that makes you neurodivergent or particularly nitpicky or even a mysogynist. It's okay to find a particular woman annoying! People here have focused too much on what you yourself have called "small" things, and you have been understandably (since you're posting anonymously) vague about the "bigger" things that bother you, but the combination of small and bigger things listed here, however vaguely, does seem to me to suggest that you aren't that good of a match after all.
Go find someone who charms you more than they annoy you, and let her find the same.
posted by bitteschoen at 3:36 AM on September 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
> It's okay to find a particular woman annoying!
... no, it's never okay to find any particular woman (or person) annoying for using the bathroom for two minutes. Let's not normalize this. It is not normal, let alone reasonable, respectful, or humane.
Whether your annoyance, OP, is a result of misogyny or neurodivergence or a controlling personality or clinical anxiety or low blood sugar or whatever, take it seriously and work on it until you are no longer annoyed by people having to pee for two minutes while you wait. You can't go through life in a society this way.
posted by MiraK at 8:46 AM on September 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
... no, it's never okay to find any particular woman (or person) annoying for using the bathroom for two minutes. Let's not normalize this. It is not normal, let alone reasonable, respectful, or humane.
Whether your annoyance, OP, is a result of misogyny or neurodivergence or a controlling personality or clinical anxiety or low blood sugar or whatever, take it seriously and work on it until you are no longer annoyed by people having to pee for two minutes while you wait. You can't go through life in a society this way.
posted by MiraK at 8:46 AM on September 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
no, it's never okay to find any particular woman (or person) annoying for using the bathroom for two minutes
No one said exactly that though! Please avoid making up things nobody said.
The OP listed several small things and several bigger things that they find annoying and among the small things was "running to the bathroom almost every time we meet up (at a time we agreed on in advance)". It is specifically one of the smaller things listed. It's not the only thing. It's one of the smallest. We don't get more details than those words I just quoted and there can be far more generous and light-hearted interpretations of those words than suggested in some of the comments here.
For instance, I once lived with a partner who would always make us late in going out because they needed to use the bathroom before going out. Not for physiological urges, but just to check their hair and beard and outfit and fix whatever. This was a guy who was maniacal about his appearance so he spent ages in front of a mirror. He did many other things that annoyed me. Because we weren't really a good match and I wasn't really in love with him. My current partner does a couple of the same things and I don't really care about them at all. That's the point here. Not bathroom usage by women in general...
posted by bitteschoen at 10:02 AM on September 24, 2023 [8 favorites]
No one said exactly that though! Please avoid making up things nobody said.
The OP listed several small things and several bigger things that they find annoying and among the small things was "running to the bathroom almost every time we meet up (at a time we agreed on in advance)". It is specifically one of the smaller things listed. It's not the only thing. It's one of the smallest. We don't get more details than those words I just quoted and there can be far more generous and light-hearted interpretations of those words than suggested in some of the comments here.
For instance, I once lived with a partner who would always make us late in going out because they needed to use the bathroom before going out. Not for physiological urges, but just to check their hair and beard and outfit and fix whatever. This was a guy who was maniacal about his appearance so he spent ages in front of a mirror. He did many other things that annoyed me. Because we weren't really a good match and I wasn't really in love with him. My current partner does a couple of the same things and I don't really care about them at all. That's the point here. Not bathroom usage by women in general...
posted by bitteschoen at 10:02 AM on September 24, 2023 [8 favorites]
It must be amazing to be so perfect, OP! I’d wager that you also have some annoying habits but your partner glosses over them because the good outweighs the bad. I’m not sure she’d be so forgiving if she read your question though.
Everyone has quirks and foibles. Some people find them annoying, some people find those same quirks are no big deal. My partner cracks his knuckles and ankles, which has been my pet hate since long before I knew him. He knows I hate it, but he can’t help it; he needs to do it. I give him a side eye or look, we joke about it and move on until he does it again. But he is a generous, funny, caring person and that 100% cancels out this minor annoyance. Incidentally, I have dated men in my life who didn’t pop their joints, but they were all lying, cheating arses. I know which option I would choose, every time (clue: not the arseholes)
Learn some tolerance, or let this poor girl go find someone who can overlook these minor traits.
posted by veebs at 11:37 AM on September 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
Everyone has quirks and foibles. Some people find them annoying, some people find those same quirks are no big deal. My partner cracks his knuckles and ankles, which has been my pet hate since long before I knew him. He knows I hate it, but he can’t help it; he needs to do it. I give him a side eye or look, we joke about it and move on until he does it again. But he is a generous, funny, caring person and that 100% cancels out this minor annoyance. Incidentally, I have dated men in my life who didn’t pop their joints, but they were all lying, cheating arses. I know which option I would choose, every time (clue: not the arseholes)
Learn some tolerance, or let this poor girl go find someone who can overlook these minor traits.
posted by veebs at 11:37 AM on September 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
Too much PDA around your co workers is a pretty big deal. But if she doesn't know that because you haven't told her, I mean...
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:35 PM on September 24, 2023
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:35 PM on September 24, 2023
If she was ‘your’ person, you would find these to be minor issues and in many cases you would actually find them endearing because these idiosyncrasies become part of what we love about our partners.
Instead they become a laundry list of things that make you roll your eyes every time she does it or makes you cringe when she does them in front of other people.
Let her go. She deserves someone who’s proud to introduce her to coworkers or who loves her laugh when they cuddle. You two are just not compatible and all you’ll do is kill her confidence, if you haven’t already.
posted by Jubey at 1:43 AM on September 25, 2023
Instead they become a laundry list of things that make you roll your eyes every time she does it or makes you cringe when she does them in front of other people.
Let her go. She deserves someone who’s proud to introduce her to coworkers or who loves her laugh when they cuddle. You two are just not compatible and all you’ll do is kill her confidence, if you haven’t already.
posted by Jubey at 1:43 AM on September 25, 2023
I think this is worth spending time with in therapy. If it is the case that your 'uptightness' extends to people and situations beyond this relationship, that is one area of focus. Some people are just less easygoing than others, and it doesn't have to be that your entire personality is wrong, but it's also possible that you've picked up some beliefs along the way about How People Should Be that aren't serving you interpersonally and may not even be great for your relationship with yourself (many people who tend to be critical of others are also very good at beating themselves up). Fault-finding is also a very common subconscious method for avoiding intimacy, so if it is habitual, that's another possibility to explore.
Even if your current partner is the only person you've felt this way about, your hesitation to discuss things with her stands out to me as an area of growth for you. It's hard to know based on the information you've shared how deep this goes, and certainly 'I don't like your laugh' is something you should not communicate, but being able to articulate your feelings despite the potential for causing discomfort is a crucial skill. If you are so conflict-avoidant--and that's what that is, at its core--that you can't bring these things up, you can't be in a relationship in an honest way. This is not something a lot of us learn to do in a healthy way in our families of origin, but it's absolutely a skill you can acquire with practice, and should (as should we all).
The other thing I want to touch on that I haven't really seen discussed here is this piece you mention about how compatible the two of you are on values and big picture issues. You said you've 'never met someone with values, ideas, and life goals that match [your] own so well.' Lest you feel kind of beat up here by the consensus in replies, I just want to offer: it is legitimately hard when you are compatible with someone in some really important areas but they're not actually it for you. The major compatibilities feel so good, and it is a human thing to struggle to reconcile that with the other signs you're getting that it's not right. The kind of annoyance that you're describing does seem like it's very possibly the part of yourself that knows better trying to get you to acknowledge that you don't actually like her in the way you want to like her. You don't want that to be true because of the other pieces that fit, so you stay the course, and the truth of the mismatch ends up getting projected onto her as being about her flaws instead of the thing it really is.
This sucks. It sucks to feel. I have been there. It has been part of my own growth in life to learn to let this kind of thing go, because it never works to force it. I have had to learn to be able to say: here I am at the shoe store, having found a pair of shoes that is exactly the color and style I want, and yet the shoes are a size too small. I can take them home and try to cram my feet into them to have a taste of that satisfaction that comes with how perfect they are in the other ways, but it will hurt in the meantime and it will not be sustainable in the long run. It is only through life experience and having worn the wrong pair of shoes for far too long, with more than one pair, that I have gained the ability and willpower to move on more quickly from what I know deep down is not right. And it still sucks. Be kind to yourself, be kind to your partner. Take some time to think about whether that looks like breaking up.
posted by wormtales at 6:49 AM on September 25, 2023 [8 favorites]
Even if your current partner is the only person you've felt this way about, your hesitation to discuss things with her stands out to me as an area of growth for you. It's hard to know based on the information you've shared how deep this goes, and certainly 'I don't like your laugh' is something you should not communicate, but being able to articulate your feelings despite the potential for causing discomfort is a crucial skill. If you are so conflict-avoidant--and that's what that is, at its core--that you can't bring these things up, you can't be in a relationship in an honest way. This is not something a lot of us learn to do in a healthy way in our families of origin, but it's absolutely a skill you can acquire with practice, and should (as should we all).
The other thing I want to touch on that I haven't really seen discussed here is this piece you mention about how compatible the two of you are on values and big picture issues. You said you've 'never met someone with values, ideas, and life goals that match [your] own so well.' Lest you feel kind of beat up here by the consensus in replies, I just want to offer: it is legitimately hard when you are compatible with someone in some really important areas but they're not actually it for you. The major compatibilities feel so good, and it is a human thing to struggle to reconcile that with the other signs you're getting that it's not right. The kind of annoyance that you're describing does seem like it's very possibly the part of yourself that knows better trying to get you to acknowledge that you don't actually like her in the way you want to like her. You don't want that to be true because of the other pieces that fit, so you stay the course, and the truth of the mismatch ends up getting projected onto her as being about her flaws instead of the thing it really is.
This sucks. It sucks to feel. I have been there. It has been part of my own growth in life to learn to let this kind of thing go, because it never works to force it. I have had to learn to be able to say: here I am at the shoe store, having found a pair of shoes that is exactly the color and style I want, and yet the shoes are a size too small. I can take them home and try to cram my feet into them to have a taste of that satisfaction that comes with how perfect they are in the other ways, but it will hurt in the meantime and it will not be sustainable in the long run. It is only through life experience and having worn the wrong pair of shoes for far too long, with more than one pair, that I have gained the ability and willpower to move on more quickly from what I know deep down is not right. And it still sucks. Be kind to yourself, be kind to your partner. Take some time to think about whether that looks like breaking up.
posted by wormtales at 6:49 AM on September 25, 2023 [8 favorites]
So you have actually done an interesting and valuable thing here, if you can get yourself out of the situation long enough to really examine it. What you've done is identified your actual relationship values. Not the ones that sound lofty and impressive and make you feel like a good person. The ones that actually matter to you in a partner. You value:
-Punctuality and planning
-Self sufficiency
-Grooming
-Reserve around physical contact (quiet voice, minimal public display)
In other words, you want someone who just will have all her own shit together 100% of the time and not lean on you, either literally or metaphorically. Someone who will never make her problem (e.g., having to pee) your problem (e.g., having to wait).
I bet that doesn't sound as good as "just wanting someone kind," does it? It probably sounds pretty nitpicky and maybe even a little crappy, and you probably don't like admitting this is what you want in so many words, which is why you can't discuss this with your girlfriend. But luckily you don't have to! Just break up with her. Like, immediate. Like yesterday if you can.
By the way, I'm not saying that you don't actually have the values you think you have, the ones you're relieved this woman shares. (Though I note you do not actually...specify what those are, at all?) I'm just saying that nobody lives day to day with their partner's views on Marx. You live with your partner's views on hygiene, time, affection, shared effort in the household. Now you have valuable information about what YOUR views on those are, and next time you are dazzled by someone's matching global politics or whatever, remember that global politics won't make someone pee on a schedule you like.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:47 AM on September 26, 2023 [5 favorites]
-Punctuality and planning
-Self sufficiency
-Grooming
-Reserve around physical contact (quiet voice, minimal public display)
In other words, you want someone who just will have all her own shit together 100% of the time and not lean on you, either literally or metaphorically. Someone who will never make her problem (e.g., having to pee) your problem (e.g., having to wait).
I bet that doesn't sound as good as "just wanting someone kind," does it? It probably sounds pretty nitpicky and maybe even a little crappy, and you probably don't like admitting this is what you want in so many words, which is why you can't discuss this with your girlfriend. But luckily you don't have to! Just break up with her. Like, immediate. Like yesterday if you can.
By the way, I'm not saying that you don't actually have the values you think you have, the ones you're relieved this woman shares. (Though I note you do not actually...specify what those are, at all?) I'm just saying that nobody lives day to day with their partner's views on Marx. You live with your partner's views on hygiene, time, affection, shared effort in the household. Now you have valuable information about what YOUR views on those are, and next time you are dazzled by someone's matching global politics or whatever, remember that global politics won't make someone pee on a schedule you like.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:47 AM on September 26, 2023 [5 favorites]
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posted by taz (staff) at 2:16 AM on September 23, 2023 [3 favorites]