I'm the first person, ever, to crush on a barista.
August 22, 2011 7:19 AM Subscribe
I've been going to the same coffee shop for over a year and have had the same barista. I'm moving to a different part of NYC, think I've hit it off with her, what's the most appropriate way to ask her out?
I feel, very strongly, that this has been asked before, but I couldn't find it. Here's my spiel:
- Definitely not interested in her at first. I put this detail in as I wasn't gaga, "Hot barista!" (is there a better way to say this? I find her hot now, but not at first, definitely not my usual type).
- She started initiating conversations with me not vice versa.
- We talk for about 10-15 minutes per visit, though I go when the place is slow as I work from home. She'll ask about things from previous conversations, we know a lot about each other, these aren't just small talk conversations.
- Complimented on what I was wearing before, how nice I am, etc. things I would characterize as flirting. Used to mention her boyfriend in passing but not for awhile, and talks about hanging out with her gay friends now.
Cons
- Friendly with everyone, but doesn't stop work to talk to someone like she does with me. (Let me emphasize this is her coming up to me as I'm sitting down, sitting down across from me and talking, not me at the counter and gawking and trying to talk while she's busy, yes I've seen awkward guys do that).
So would it be weird to go up to her on one of my last visits and say, "Hey, I'm moving, we should totally hang out some time, here's my number!" Is that crossing the line? Should I just let it go? Or, on the opposite side, should I be more forward? "Hey I really like you, we should hang out sometime?"
If I should put a kibosh on the whole thing and let it go, that's cool too.
I feel, very strongly, that this has been asked before, but I couldn't find it. Here's my spiel:
- Definitely not interested in her at first. I put this detail in as I wasn't gaga, "Hot barista!" (is there a better way to say this? I find her hot now, but not at first, definitely not my usual type).
- She started initiating conversations with me not vice versa.
- We talk for about 10-15 minutes per visit, though I go when the place is slow as I work from home. She'll ask about things from previous conversations, we know a lot about each other, these aren't just small talk conversations.
- Complimented on what I was wearing before, how nice I am, etc. things I would characterize as flirting. Used to mention her boyfriend in passing but not for awhile, and talks about hanging out with her gay friends now.
Cons
- Friendly with everyone, but doesn't stop work to talk to someone like she does with me. (Let me emphasize this is her coming up to me as I'm sitting down, sitting down across from me and talking, not me at the counter and gawking and trying to talk while she's busy, yes I've seen awkward guys do that).
So would it be weird to go up to her on one of my last visits and say, "Hey, I'm moving, we should totally hang out some time, here's my number!" Is that crossing the line? Should I just let it go? Or, on the opposite side, should I be more forward? "Hey I really like you, we should hang out sometime?"
If I should put a kibosh on the whole thing and let it go, that's cool too.
Dude, go for it. She's already showing interest in you over a period of time that is above and beyond a normal customer-server relationship. Just tell her that you'll be moving to another part of the city soon and you'll miss talking to her and, while you're sure she won't want to go for coffee, maybe you could do something else like dinner?
If she says no, then it's over and bring it up not again. If she says yes, then score, you've got yourself a date.
posted by inturnaround at 7:24 AM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
If she says no, then it's over and bring it up not again. If she says yes, then score, you've got yourself a date.
posted by inturnaround at 7:24 AM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
You do not need permission from us to ask her out. You do not need to make sure she's interested in you to ask her out -- that's why you're asking. Just ask her out.
posted by ferdinand.bardamu at 7:24 AM on August 22, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by ferdinand.bardamu at 7:24 AM on August 22, 2011 [4 favorites]
To me, it doesn't sound like you're one of those awkward barista crush-havers because you are aware of what that looks like and it's different from your experiences.
I would definitely let her know on your last visit that you're moving and you won't be around the neighbourhood any longer. From the way you've described your interaction, this would only be polite.
As for asking her out, I wouldn't spit it all out at once: "Hey I'm moving, let's hang out, here's my number." I suggest doing it during one of your usual conversations. First, you could advise her that you're moving and you won't be at this coffee shop any longer. If she says "Awww, that's too bad!" you can move on to "Yeah, I know, I'm going to miss you," and then she can take it a step farther if she wants. I'd try and keep it light and normal since you already have a good friendship.
If the conversation stalls, you could throw something out there that's more of a direct invitation.
posted by cranberrymonger at 7:25 AM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
I would definitely let her know on your last visit that you're moving and you won't be around the neighbourhood any longer. From the way you've described your interaction, this would only be polite.
As for asking her out, I wouldn't spit it all out at once: "Hey I'm moving, let's hang out, here's my number." I suggest doing it during one of your usual conversations. First, you could advise her that you're moving and you won't be at this coffee shop any longer. If she says "Awww, that's too bad!" you can move on to "Yeah, I know, I'm going to miss you," and then she can take it a step farther if she wants. I'd try and keep it light and normal since you already have a good friendship.
If the conversation stalls, you could throw something out there that's more of a direct invitation.
posted by cranberrymonger at 7:25 AM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think the key positive sign that she stops work to chat with you. I think the key move is to put the ball in her court so she doesn't feel pressured.
Next time she comes over for a chat, when the conversation is wrapping up you could drop your line, "By the way I'm moving so I won't be coming around here anymore, but here's my number, I'd love to hang out some time if you're interested." That way, she's returning to her work so there's no awkward time and she can do what she wants with your number.
posted by like_neon at 7:26 AM on August 22, 2011
Next time she comes over for a chat, when the conversation is wrapping up you could drop your line, "By the way I'm moving so I won't be coming around here anymore, but here's my number, I'd love to hang out some time if you're interested." That way, she's returning to her work so there's no awkward time and she can do what she wants with your number.
posted by like_neon at 7:26 AM on August 22, 2011
Do it.
What's the worst result? She says no, and then maybe slight bit of embarassment and you have to excuse yourself from an awkward situation. Which you won't have to repeat because you won't be frequenting this coffee shop anymore.
Sounds like you already have a handle on how to go about this the best way (give her your number, don't ask for hers, etc), so go for it!
posted by utsutsu at 7:27 AM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
What's the worst result? She says no, and then maybe slight bit of embarassment and you have to excuse yourself from an awkward situation. Which you won't have to repeat because you won't be frequenting this coffee shop anymore.
Sounds like you already have a handle on how to go about this the best way (give her your number, don't ask for hers, etc), so go for it!
posted by utsutsu at 7:27 AM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
Your plan sounds like a good one and perfectly reasonable. You should probably, in fact, have something to do in mind, just in case she's like, well what are you doing this weekend?
posted by empath at 7:29 AM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by empath at 7:29 AM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
As indicated above, low-key is your friend. Tell her you are moving and that you're gonna miss chatting with her. Suggest you meet up for something other than coffee some time. If she says ok, ask for her number.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:29 AM on August 22, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Ironmouth at 7:29 AM on August 22, 2011 [3 favorites]
I'm sorry, I thought you were asking "How" to ask her out, not "Whether or not" you should ask her out. Based on what you've described, yes, you should ask her out.
(I think the other barista question was someone who hadn't really interacted with the girl of their affections and most responders said, "Hmm, maybe that's too forward.")
posted by cranberrymonger at 7:29 AM on August 22, 2011
(I think the other barista question was someone who hadn't really interacted with the girl of their affections and most responders said, "Hmm, maybe that's too forward.")
posted by cranberrymonger at 7:29 AM on August 22, 2011
If she's walking over to your table and sitting down to talk to you, that's more than friendly barista-to-customer chatting. Go for it. You could go about it by mentioning that you'll probably start frequenting another Starbucks soon, and you'll miss your chats--would she like to get together sometime to catch up?
posted by litnerd at 7:31 AM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by litnerd at 7:31 AM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
The next time you talk to her, bring up that you're moving to a different part of town and ask her if she wants to hang out or whatever thing. That's a simple answer but this is a simple situation. If she's that friendly with you then I like your chances.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:35 AM on August 22, 2011
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:35 AM on August 22, 2011
I feel, very strongly, that this has been asked before, but I couldn't find it.
Sure, I have a whole cast of characters for you:
Barista 1
Barista 2
Barista 3
Restaurant owner
Receptionist
Pharmacist
Financial consultant
posted by John Cohen at 7:38 AM on August 22, 2011 [12 favorites]
Sure, I have a whole cast of characters for you:
Barista 1
Barista 2
Barista 3
Restaurant owner
Receptionist
Pharmacist
Financial consultant
posted by John Cohen at 7:38 AM on August 22, 2011 [12 favorites]
So would it be weird to go up to her on one of my last visits and say, "Hey, I'm moving, we should totally hang out some time, here's my number!"
I gave this answer in the asking out a pharmacist question, and for whatever it's worth, I think your plan is totally fine. The only tweaks I'd make would me, if she does approach you all the time then give her your number when she approaches you on that visit; also whenever you do this, do it as you're leaving and make that visit your last visit.
posted by Ashley801 at 7:47 AM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
I gave this answer in the asking out a pharmacist question, and for whatever it's worth, I think your plan is totally fine. The only tweaks I'd make would me, if she does approach you all the time then give her your number when she approaches you on that visit; also whenever you do this, do it as you're leaving and make that visit your last visit.
posted by Ashley801 at 7:47 AM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think, if you're no longer going to be a regular customer, and you have a friendly relationship already, then it's fine to say something.
However, I'd like to suggest something. This--"Hey I really like you, we should hang out sometime"--is not forward. It's vague. "Hey, I really like you. Can I take you out on a date?" is forward (in a good way). She may be different, but if I'd been friendly with someone for over a year and he said he really liked me and suggested we "hang out," I wouldn't know it was a date. I'd think he really liked being my friend and wanted keep in touch after he moved.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:49 AM on August 22, 2011 [22 favorites]
However, I'd like to suggest something. This--"Hey I really like you, we should hang out sometime"--is not forward. It's vague. "Hey, I really like you. Can I take you out on a date?" is forward (in a good way). She may be different, but if I'd been friendly with someone for over a year and he said he really liked me and suggested we "hang out," I wouldn't know it was a date. I'd think he really liked being my friend and wanted keep in touch after he moved.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:49 AM on August 22, 2011 [22 favorites]
Meg_Murray makes a VERY important point. My two cents:
1) as long as you are a gentleman you have every right to ask her out. period.
2) make it clear you are asking her on a date. you can still be a gentleman while making it clear you are not just looking for a friend.
Good luck, man!
posted by spicynuts at 8:08 AM on August 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
1) as long as you are a gentleman you have every right to ask her out. period.
2) make it clear you are asking her on a date. you can still be a gentleman while making it clear you are not just looking for a friend.
Good luck, man!
posted by spicynuts at 8:08 AM on August 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
I third Meg_Murry's advice. Be clear and ask her on a date. All women appreciate not having to decipher what you really meant by wanting to "hang out." The inherent vagueness in that question leaves us wondering whether we're in the friend zone or romantic interest zone.
posted by Falwless at 8:15 AM on August 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Falwless at 8:15 AM on August 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
If you wanted to play coy but still be direct, you could always say, "So, uhh, I'd like to ask you out on a date, but I don't know how." And go from there.
posted by zizzle at 8:26 AM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by zizzle at 8:26 AM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
What makes these ask-outs suck is when the person at work cant yell you to piss off/retreat. If she's sitting down with you she can cut short the convo and go back to work. So that's a great time to do this. Go sieze the day in a polite way.
posted by phearlez at 8:34 AM on August 22, 2011
posted by phearlez at 8:34 AM on August 22, 2011
Since the two of you already chat a lot, this situation is a lot easier than the usual "how do I ask out my barista" scenario. Think of it more as a "how do I ask out a friend" thing: make the "date" part clear, and don't make a big deal of it if she says no.
If you can do it while she's hanging out with you on break, that's best. Avoid asking her out at the counter, unless it's your very last day in the neighborhood and you won't have another chance to talk to her.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:44 AM on August 22, 2011
If you can do it while she's hanging out with you on break, that's best. Avoid asking her out at the counter, unless it's your very last day in the neighborhood and you won't have another chance to talk to her.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:44 AM on August 22, 2011
Barista, I'm moving and won't be coming in anymore. I've really enjoyed chatting with you, and I'd love to go out. I don't want to make you uncomfortable or pressured, so here's my phone number and email. Let me know if you'd like to get together for a drink/walk/etc. sometime.
posted by theora55 at 9:41 AM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 9:41 AM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yeah, I would use the term "date" or "go out" and steel yourself to avoid saying "hang out."
Perhaps volunteer that you do in fact drink things other than coffee, and eat things other than cookies, muffins, and bagels, and would like the opportunity to prove that to her.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 9:53 AM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
Perhaps volunteer that you do in fact drink things other than coffee, and eat things other than cookies, muffins, and bagels, and would like the opportunity to prove that to her.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 9:53 AM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
This isn't creepy. I'd follow the above advice; when you're chatting, say something like "Hey, I'm going to be moving, so I won't be around as much, and I'm going to miss these little coffee dates. Do you want to, uh, go out on a real date? Like for a drink or dinner or something?"
posted by KathrynT at 10:23 AM on August 22, 2011
posted by KathrynT at 10:23 AM on August 22, 2011
Not creepy. But the average cute gal at Sbux probably gets asked out 3 times per day and is slightly annoyed by it. People don't like getting asked out at work.
The first response was best: "here's my number, I'd love to hang out some time if you're interested"
It removes the annoying pressure of having to politely say "piss off" if she's not interested, but lets her know you're interested and allows her to make the next move.
posted by coolguymichael at 11:42 AM on August 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
The first response was best: "here's my number, I'd love to hang out some time if you're interested"
It removes the annoying pressure of having to politely say "piss off" if she's not interested, but lets her know you're interested and allows her to make the next move.
posted by coolguymichael at 11:42 AM on August 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
I like asking straight up for a date. I would hate having to get up the nerve to call you and ask you for a date if you gave me your number. Even better would be if you have something in mind in the next couple of weeks - "hey, I'm going to an art show opening a week from Tuesday, would you like to go? We could get dinner beforehand."
posted by dawkins_7 at 1:16 PM on August 22, 2011
posted by dawkins_7 at 1:16 PM on August 22, 2011
From what you describe, she might well be interested in you, and your suggested method of asking her out ("would love to hang out some time, here's my number") is perfect, especially considering that you're moving and there isn't the "and if you say no, I'm going to come in here and look awkwardly at you every day" aspect. Onward hurrah!
posted by hungrytiger at 2:36 PM on August 22, 2011
posted by hungrytiger at 2:36 PM on August 22, 2011
I have a slightly different approach.
If you know her as well as you claim, after mentioning you are moving and won't be stopping by anymore, your next step should be generally proposing that her and you get together for some specific activity of mutual interest that had previously been discussed. Any guy can walk in and generically ask her out, but you have the benefit of generating additional interest level with her from your prior encounters. Use it to your advantage. Get her excited about doing something you know she likes. You do not have to specifically call it a "date" depending on your personality and how direct it will be (though doing so up front may make your romantic attentions clearer up front if that is your goal). Unless it is for a show or concert, I would avoid pushing for a specific day on the spot, unless she suggests it. Leave your contact info with her.
Now, the ball is in her court (as others have suggested) but you've given her a specific reason to contact you and reduced a key hurdle. Without this, you risk putting her in a more awkward position where she feels like she has to be the pursuer by calling you and formulating date ideas, which might be intimidating for her.
posted by jameslavelle3 at 7:26 PM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you know her as well as you claim, after mentioning you are moving and won't be stopping by anymore, your next step should be generally proposing that her and you get together for some specific activity of mutual interest that had previously been discussed. Any guy can walk in and generically ask her out, but you have the benefit of generating additional interest level with her from your prior encounters. Use it to your advantage. Get her excited about doing something you know she likes. You do not have to specifically call it a "date" depending on your personality and how direct it will be (though doing so up front may make your romantic attentions clearer up front if that is your goal). Unless it is for a show or concert, I would avoid pushing for a specific day on the spot, unless she suggests it. Leave your contact info with her.
Now, the ball is in her court (as others have suggested) but you've given her a specific reason to contact you and reduced a key hurdle. Without this, you risk putting her in a more awkward position where she feels like she has to be the pursuer by calling you and formulating date ideas, which might be intimidating for her.
posted by jameslavelle3 at 7:26 PM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
Requesting an update after you go through with it... :)
posted by Ashley801 at 11:24 PM on August 25, 2011
posted by Ashley801 at 11:24 PM on August 25, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:23 AM on August 22, 2011 [13 favorites]