Hit it off with a complete stranger...should I ask him out?
August 19, 2010 11:59 PM   Subscribe

How do you (a girl) ask a complete stranger out after one great conversation? Guys out there...need advice mostly from you...how do you take being asked out by a cute, bubbly, intelligent, financially independent girl?

I went to the bank to organize my finances and the financial consultant and I totally hit it off. Because of how long things took, I ended up being at the bank for a few hours and we got to talking about school, work, and family. We had a lot of common interests and had a great conversation with some laughs, but no flirting (I'm not one to flirt with a complete stranger and it was a pretty professional setting).

I see him again this weekend and since he works at my bank, I will most likely run in to him again. My question is: should I ask him out? I think he's very cute and we definitely had a lot in common, especially our humor style and we really just clicked (which is a rare thing to happen to me since I am pretty guarded with strangers). And if I should ask him out, HOW should I go about it? I've never asked a guy out and certainly not one that wasn't a friend of a friend.
posted by penguingrl to Human Relations (60 answers total) 17 users marked this as a favorite
 
Guys out there...need advice mostly from you...how do you take being asked out by a cute, bubbly, intelligent, financially independent girl?

Oh jesus god yes please hi now thanks wow hey.
posted by threeants at 12:03 AM on August 20, 2010 [65 favorites]


Yes.

Ask him if he's free for coffee. Or dinner. Or whatever. If he likes you, he'll make it happen. Or he'll tell you he's not free that night, but would love to see you in a few days, or something like that.

Good luck!
posted by Happydaz at 12:03 AM on August 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


I take it quite well and nowhere near often enough.

Go out for a bike ride or something low key with him.
posted by fenriq at 12:14 AM on August 20, 2010 [3 favorites]


Yeah, I'm gonna be saying yes to that and twice on Sundays. One alternative would be a more coy but perhaps slightly more risky "so are you going to ask me out or what?"
posted by allkindsoftime at 12:31 AM on August 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


Asking someone out and being turned down is scientifically proven* to be good for you. Asking someone out and having them accept is also pretty sweet. You can't lose.


*just guessing, but i bet you it is.
posted by palacewalls at 12:40 AM on August 20, 2010


Response by poster: allkindsoftime, that's far more guts than I could ever muster up. I was initially planning on casually bringing up that I was single and waiting for him to decide what to do from there, but I was informed by a good guy friend that some males are blockheads and can't tell if a girl is being obvious. I "have" to go to the bank this weekend, so I am preparing for a casual run-in and don't really have any other plans passed "Oh, hey, didn't know you'd be working today, how are you?"
posted by penguingrl at 12:42 AM on August 20, 2010


You know that's his job, right? Bank people are trained to do whatever it takes to make a sale. Yeah, it sucks, and I did this kind of thing for a number of years and am not proud of it. I hope it works, I'm just saying don't get too upset if it doesn't.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 12:49 AM on August 20, 2010 [4 favorites]


Response by poster: He wasn't making a sale, I wasn't applying for a loan or anything. I went in there because I had money and wanted to know how I should invest it, etc. He wasn't a broker or anything, so there was definitely no "kickback" for him having good customer service.
posted by penguingrl at 12:51 AM on August 20, 2010


Response by poster: Speaking of "movement," isn't asking the guy out going against the "He's Just Not That In To You" rule? I know he can't ask me out and he seemed quite responsible and serious about his job, so I am pretty sure he will remain as professional as he can, but I'm just hesitant and wishing I had more of a hint...and thanks to deep thought sunstar, I'm debating if I made up the whole thing in my head...
posted by penguingrl at 1:11 AM on August 20, 2010


It works like this: "Hey, would you like to go for a drink sometime?"
posted by 2oh1 at 1:11 AM on August 20, 2010 [4 favorites]


P.S. It really is that simple. Take that thought about figuring out how to get him to ask you out and throw it away. If you'd like to ask him out, do it :)
posted by 2oh1 at 1:12 AM on August 20, 2010 [4 favorites]


People ask other people out and get turned down ALL THE TIME. It is no big deal. It isn't a crime to ask someone out only to discover that they are not interested. Even if he is not interested he will be flattered.

It SHOULD be a crime to go around dropping hints that you are single as if that was a sensible adult way of communicating that you would like to go out with someone. It's not this guy's job to be psychic and guess what you are thinking.

isn't asking the guy out going against the "He's Just Not That In To You" rule?

If everybody abided by this rule against asking people out, nobody would ever get laid at all.

As mentioned above, all you need to say is, "Hey, would you like to go for a drink sometime?" and then perhaps "How about Friday?"
posted by emilyw at 1:25 AM on August 20, 2010 [4 favorites]


Men can be oblivious so be blatant! Slightly different situation to yours but I was chatting to a chap online for a good couple of weeks before I got fed up and said "So are we going to meet up or what?" - we're married now :D
posted by lilyflower at 1:39 AM on August 20, 2010 [2 favorites]




Men can be oblivious so be blatant!

This to the maximum utmost degree.
posted by motown missile at 2:10 AM on August 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


isn't asking the guy out going against the "He's Just Not That In To You" rule?

There are no rules, there are just people and situations. Ask him out a la 2oh1 then take it from there.
posted by freya_lamb at 2:24 AM on August 20, 2010


isn't asking the guy out going against the "He's Just Not That In To You" rule?

Coincidentally, I skimmed the back of that book just last week and ... Utter garbage. Please bin it, both literally and mentally-metaphorically. If I had a dollar for every girl I desperately wanted to ask out but was too nervous / couldn't find the right moment / (over)thought she probably wouldn't be up for it / etc, I could buy the publishing house and rid the world of the damn thing myself.

Not all guys are transparent alphas where if they're not hitting on you, they're not interested, and if you hit on them, they'll not be interested. Especially considering the professional setting where he could get fired for hitting on someone who didn't appreciate it, you absolutely can't draw any conclusions that he's not interested because he hasn't made the move.

Personally, I'd ask this guy out by saying something like "So, um, listen, the thing is, well, um, you know, er, you might not... I mean, er... I'm sorry if this isn't, um, you know appropriate here, with you at work and all, but, er, the thing is, I was just wondering, er, perhaps, you might like to go for a drink?" But that's just me.
posted by Slyfen at 2:41 AM on August 20, 2010 [10 favorites]


The only rule with this situation is that there's no way in Hell he's going to ask you out at work because he's at work and if you don't like that he asked you he'll not be very happy when the boss is done with him.

Go ask.
posted by theichibun at 3:00 AM on August 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


OK, I'm sorry, penguingrl. I didn't mean to be bitchy about it, just seen it happen. In that case, were I you, I would revisit the bank and ask him when his lunch break is, and what he would like to do on it. That would have been (was) the most awesome thing in the world. DO it!
posted by deep thought sunstar at 3:04 AM on August 20, 2010


how do you take being asked out by a cute, bubbly, intelligent, financially independent girl?

is there a bad way to take this? is there a man alive who would take this badly? explain to me the downside of this...
posted by segatakai at 3:10 AM on August 20, 2010 [5 favorites]


I'm a girl, but I've been asked out by customers at work and it was totally fine (if they were being decent human beings about it, which it sounds like you would be.) I was even in a "sales" situation, for whatever it's worth.

I agree that most people, maybe even especially those who aren't used to being approached, would be flattered by being asked out by an attractive person. Whether or not they were ultimately interested in actually going out.

Is there a coffee shop or interesting lunch place near the bank that he would likely know about or maybe even go to? You might contrive to run into him on his break (I think it's kind of silly to do this rather than directly ask him out, but if you're feeling especially nervous it might be the way to go), or just ask him if he's ever been to X, and would he like to meet you there?
posted by Ouisch at 3:35 AM on August 20, 2010


The few times I have done this, I've just gone with a (genuinely surprised-happy-sounding) "I really like talking to you. Would you like to get a coffee/drink sometime with me sometime? [Get phone number/email]"
posted by greta simone at 3:35 AM on August 20, 2010 [11 favorites]


Guys out there...need advice mostly from you...how do you take being asked out by a cute, bubbly, intelligent, financially independent girl?

What a silly question! I'd love it, of course!

What I would not love are:

(a) a girl coyly saying, "So are you going to ask me out or what?" (reminds me of the scene in the first Back to the Future where Lorraine in 1955 goes up to Marty and nervously says, "I hope this isn't too forward, but I was wondering if you'd ask me to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance?" -- there's a reason this was set in the '50s);

(b) a girl who questions whether her every move is in compliance with some rules she read in a book.
posted by Jaltcoh at 5:10 AM on August 20, 2010 [6 favorites]


We men get asked out so rarely by women that you would definitely be setting yourself apart from the pack by just asking him out for a drink or coffee or whatever. As others have said, it's just that easy.

some males are blockheads and can't tell if a girl is being obvious

What you guys see as 'obvious' is anything but. Mentioning casually that you're single isn't a signal that you want him to ask you out. Being obvious means asking him yourself.
posted by fso at 5:19 AM on August 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


Im with the crowd that says that he's being nice and charming because that's who he is trained to be. The bank is interested in providing good customer service. Our leasing agent was a fantastically nice, handsome and personable guy, as was the incredibly awesome barista at the SBUX downtown. If I had such a job, I'd be turned off by that and stop being friendly.
posted by anniecat at 5:23 AM on August 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


Speaking from my own point of view, a customer is in a different situation to a random person on the street or someone I've met in a bar. There's a slight power imbalance at play when I'm standing behind a counter serving you. I would feel uncomfortable having one of my customers ask me out at work. Outside of working hours, I'd be much more amenable. When I'm at work, I'm being paid to be nice to you, and I wouldn't feel free to respond in the manner I might like to.

Could you maybe find out more about what he does for fun and then "accidentally" meet him at a bar he frequents or something?
posted by Solomon at 5:29 AM on August 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


Yes, ask him. But do it in a way that is low-key and doesn't put him in some uncomfortable bind where he might feel like he had to go along to keep your business or something. Maybe hand him your card at the end of the meeting and say "if you want to get coffee sometime, call me" (remember, it would be a big no-no for him to go into the bank's files to get your phone number to call you for a date, and that there may be serious prohibitions against asking out a customer).

And accept going in that there's a pretty decent chance of polite rejection -- he might be in sales mode, he might be a friendly and flirty guy who happens to be married, anything. That's the reality of asking people out, but the truth is that rejection stings for a moment but isn't nearly as bad as the agonies you go through beforehand.

tl;dr: ask him out already.
posted by Forktine at 5:35 AM on August 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


I agree with handing him your card and saying "if you want to have coffee sometime, give me a call" - and then don't go by the bank unless you really, really have to. Don't go find him somewhere else and bump into him - that's kind of creepy.
posted by mrs. taters at 5:41 AM on August 20, 2010


As a guy, I am going to say that this would make me uncomfortable, especially in a work situation. I'd feel cornered if I wasn't interested and the immediacy of it might make me give an awkward reply.

What you need to do is find some way of either getting some personal contact info from him or giving him yours. This allows you take it outside the realm of work. You said you talked to him outside things such as school, work and family. Surely, you can find some way of saying:
"Oh you know that gym/program/cool place you mentioned? I want to check it out. Let me give you my email/phone #. Can you send me more info about it?"
or
"Hey you said you were interested in ____. If you give me your email I can send you more info about it - if you'd like"

If he is in the slightest bit interested he will say yes. He will probably say yes anyways, out of politeness. The followup from that exchange, however, will quickly let you know if he is actually interested or just being polite. You can ask him out then - "Hey, I just found out about this cool bar/place. Want to go check it out with me sometime?" - and he has more of an ability to either accept or politely and courteously decline.
posted by vacapinta at 5:45 AM on August 20, 2010 [6 favorites]


It would make my day. And I think it sucks that it's 2010 and women don't feel completely free to ask men out.
posted by Calloused_Foot at 5:47 AM on August 20, 2010 [3 favorites]


What I would not love are:

(a) a girl coyly saying, "So are you going to ask me out or what?"


Agree with this. I love forward people, but the phrasing is all wrong, because it could come off as entitled.

Most men (I am one) would be delighted to be asked out, because it is a compliment, a day brightener to know someone would like to spend more time with you.

Do it in the simplest way possible. Greta Simone, above, has the "right" words. Don't be afraid to just blurt it out in the middle of conversation, as the "right" moment may never arrive. Good luck, let us know what happens.
posted by fake at 5:50 AM on August 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


Next time you run into him: "Hey, we should get a drink sometime, what do you think?" Ensuing conversation illustrates his availability and interest, hopefully leading to a date.
posted by lizbunny at 5:53 AM on August 20, 2010


Don't go find him somewhere else and bump into him - that's kind of creepy.

Just to clarify: the only reason I suggested it might be an option is because OP seems uncomfortable with the workplace venue, as it might cause professional discomfort for HIM. I think a reasonable person could argue that it is also creepy to ask someone out at their workplace (because of an implied power imbalance btw customer and employee), though that is not my personal opinion nor has it been my personal experience.
posted by Ouisch at 6:09 AM on August 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


If you can be good at taking a "no" well, don't worry about the "asking him out at work" thing. The general advice to guys is to not ask women out at their place of business because they are constantly being hassled. And they are. Constantly. Spending years in retail management, I can verify this, HOWEVER it doesn't really hold the other way around. Anecdata? Sure it is. But I've never had to kick a woman out of the store because she was trying to get handsy with one of my male clerks. And I worked in a part of town where, if anywhere, that would happen.

I'm a guy and have been asked out at my place of work. Keep in mind, this was a job where I was pretty much instructed to be cute and flirty with anyone who walked through the door. I have been asked out at work and I would turn down the ladies (or, gentlemen, occasionally) down because I usually had a girlfriend. They said "oh, okay" and we kept talking or they left and would occasionally drop by and say hi and things were totally fine. Had I not been taken at the time they asked me out? Oh hell yeah, rock and roll.

The "accidental" bumping-into thing, though? I've had that happen to. Creepy, creepy, creepy.
posted by griphus at 6:42 AM on August 20, 2010


"Speaking of "movement," isn't asking the guy out going against the "He's Just Not That In To You" rule? "

Good. Freaking. Lord. NO. Just ask him.

If asking him on a "date" is weird, you can just say, "I've really enjoyed talking with you, would you like to get coffee or lunch sometime?" That can easily be a friend-date, not a date-date. You can move more date-datey on the friend-date.

You can also give him your card and say, "I'd really like to hang out some time," or something like that. I actually have a social card with my cell number and my personal e-mail address (mostly for making playdates for my kid, you remember all the kids' names but not the mom's names, it's so awkward!). But business cards work too, just as long as he has some way to contact you.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:55 AM on August 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


BTW, I would actually say, "Would you like to get coffee or lunch some time THIS WEEK?" "Oh, that'd be great." "What days are good for you?"

Setting actual times makes it much more likely to happen!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:57 AM on August 20, 2010 [3 favorites]


Greta Simone's script is perfect. This would have totally worked on me.
posted by bonehead at 7:42 AM on August 20, 2010


i've asked guys out and been rejected either directly or (worse) indirectly...so i get the hesitancy. and i always hear guys advising girls who don't know how to approach such situations with "just say HI" or "just ask him out" but i've said hi and then there was this long awkward.................pause. perhaps i should've had some witty conversation lined up but i was flustered and acting in the moment so i only came up with hi. SO with that said: Penguingirl, be willing to take the chance & approach with what's comfortable for you. Be coy or don't be coy. I love coyness in me and in others...it's frickin charming! what's also worked is thinking of this dude as a friend and approaching with that in mind. sort of a "hey buddy, you're free & i'm free, wanna grab coffee?" yes? great! or no? eh, no worries, catch you on my next payday!

worst case: if he's not avail, it'll be good practice for the one who is!
posted by UltraD at 7:54 AM on August 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


I like the idea of handing him a card, as you are saying goodbye, and saying you would like to get together some time, and if he wants to have a drink together or something, please give you a call. That doesn't put him on the spot at work--he might just be self-conscious there, or he might just be in his role. Either way, you've stated your interest, and he can respond as he wishes.
posted by uans at 8:14 AM on August 20, 2010


Totally ask him out. You'll feel awesome and empowered that you did it, even if he says no.
posted by pised at 8:33 AM on August 20, 2010


I would find out if he's married or with a partner first, if possible. If I couldn't find this out through casual chitchat at the bank, I would ask him to hang out in a no-pressure, friends context like coffee.

If you do get together for coffee, you can be more direct at the coffee shop to find out if he's straight, single, and interested. If so, make sure he knows you are as well so he knows he's not in the friend zone.

And stay away from books like HJNTIY and The Rules. They are nothing more than part of the culture war's backlash against feminism. You sound like a confident woman -- and confidence is the sexiest thing ever, regardless of gender.
posted by xenophile at 8:41 AM on August 20, 2010


If you two have some unusual interest in common, ask him to accompany you to a related event. That way, the coincidence of common interest can serve as a useful smokescreen to cover the "OMG I'm asking him out" feeling. After all, if you both happened to be meteor fans, and the Leonids were tomorrow night, and you didn't fancy him, you might still think of suggesting watching the meteors together anyway. If you go for "movie" or "coffee" then you have made your initial, tentative, intentions clear(er).
posted by fcummins at 9:14 AM on August 20, 2010


Greta Simone's script is perfect. This would have totally worked on me.

Silly man. It did. :)
posted by LN at 9:15 AM on August 20, 2010


You should ask him out like this:

Do you wanna have dinner sometime? If he says "Like a date?" you answer "Yes, I think you are cute."

Not like this:

"my friends say I should ask you to dance with me"*

*note a girl used this to ask me to dance at the 7th grade dance. Dumbass me said "do you want to dance with me?"
posted by Ironmouth at 9:35 AM on August 20, 2010


I'm debating if I made up the whole thing in my head...

You didn't make up the part where YOU would LIKE to go out with him, and THAT is the part that decides whether you should ask him out. The rest is irrelevant.
posted by -harlequin- at 9:39 AM on August 20, 2010


Do it. If he says no, then he's an idiot.
posted by floweredfish at 10:00 AM on August 20, 2010


is there a bad way to take this?

Seriously. "Hey, Metafilter... How do I break the news to a girl that I'm actually a multi-millionaire Adonis with a donkey-cock and an acerbic sense of humor?"
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:07 AM on August 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


penguingrl: "how do you take being asked out by a cute, bubbly, intelligent, financially independent girl?"

Any way I can get it. This is one of those things where it matters not how it happens. It simply happening is stellar regardless of how it occurs. You'll be fine.
posted by InsertNiftyNameHere at 10:19 AM on August 20, 2010


Speaking of "movement," isn't asking the guy out going against the "He's Just Not That In To You" rule?

Rules are for people who don't dare do things.

Don't be one of those.
posted by IAmBroom at 10:20 AM on August 20, 2010 [6 favorites]


I would take it very well, thank you.
posted by elder18 at 10:21 AM on August 20, 2010


I didn't read all of the advice above, which I'm sure is good, so forgive me if I'm just repeating what has already been said.

Really just go for it. As an anecdote, I'm also a cute and intelligent young woman, and I have asked men (near strangers, actually) out a few times. Granted none of them said yes, because they were all taken, but they all said that they definitely would have said yes if they weren't already in a relationship. One of them was a guy at a coffee shop, and he actually admitted to having a huge crush on me and that I was one of his favorite customers, and that I totally made his day (and him saying this also made my day). In the end, it felt very empowering just to go for something I wanted, even if it didn't work out. You have absolutely nothing to lose, and everything to gain. Seriously. The most you risk is a fleeting moment of embarrassment, but you don't have to see him again, so whatever. He will most likely be flattered and it'll probably make his day, even if he has to turn you down.

As for how-- just be really casual and say you enjoyed getting to know him and if he'd like to grab a coffee with you sometime. It doesn't have to be a big deal-- just make it seem like you enjoyed the conversation so much, that hey, it just struck you that you two should get to know each other more. If he turns you down, just say with a smile, "No big deal, just thought I'd ask. Thanks for your help today."

Go you!
posted by lacedcoffee at 12:05 PM on August 20, 2010 [5 favorites]


I agree, don't be coy. Don't try to drop subtle hints and wait for him to make the move, that's just asking for missed signals and awkwardness. greta simone has it right, you can't go wrong with simple and to-the-point.

The bonus? By doing the asking, you're demonstrating courage and confidence. You're showing him that you're a girl who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to ask for it. You've got your shit sorted, you don't play games and all that bs. What guy wouldn't love to have a girl like that?

Worst case scenario is he's unavailable, but he'll still be flattered as hell and you'll have made his day. That's a lot better than never knowing. Go for it, and good luck!
posted by keep it under cover at 12:58 PM on August 20, 2010


It's been stated already, but if you're going to ask him out, be obvious about it. Blatantly obvious. Painfully obvious. The double the obviousness.

Do men like being asked out? Hells yes! But only if we know that we're being asked.
posted by lekvar at 1:16 PM on August 20, 2010


Oh, exactly what lacedcoffee said! And so you know that I'm not a big hypocrite, I've done this very thing, and yes it feels so empowering.

One guy turned me down because he was actually engaged (oops! guys have got to start wearing engagement rings too!), but he could not stop smiling (damn that amazingly cute smile!) and said that if things were different, he'd absolutely say yes. We had a nice chat after and wished each other the best. Though I'd gone into it terrified that he'd say no, being rejected was actually pretty painless and I felt so proud of myself for doing it. No regrets whatsoever.

The next guy is now my boyfriend of 4 years. Telling him how I felt was one of the scariest and best things I have ever done. I can't imagine my life without him now if I had chickened out and waited for him to get the hint. And yes, I was VERY forward about it, and he thought it was awesome!
posted by keep it under cover at 1:19 PM on August 20, 2010


When you see him say "I really enjoy talking with you, we should go out for coffee or something... " He will either make polite noise about being really busy or having to pick up his kids, or... he'll react like he likes the idea. If he does the latter, you give him your number and tell him what days are good for you and let him get in touch.

I prefer to be direct with my interest (I enjoy talking to you, etc) yet at the same time let them do the asking out. Also, I think mentioning coffee and not drinks keeps it friendly and open - if you do go out for coffee, you will get all the info you need to proceed further.
posted by Locochona at 1:48 PM on August 20, 2010


They say nothing good comes without risk.

Welcome to the ancient world of guys... and, I would certainly appreciate it even if I was involved.

The more sincere the better. I'd rather hear "I'd like to go out and spend time with you" than "I'm hitting on you," regardless of what is said.

Even though I'll be far too old, I'd welcome a world where flirting is a genderless sport. I think it would relax things between the sexes quite a bit.

I agree with the poster who suggested that rules impede things. I would suggest classy first, sassy later.

Nah, if you asked me out, you'd get a polite reply regardless. It's easy enough to simply say "I'm seeing someone at the moment" even if I'm not. Wish more women would simply use that tact instead of taking it badly.

The fact that the guy is in a work setting? Could be a problem to his responding honestly. You could be a "mystery shopper." Too bad we live in that kind of world, too. So, you might acknowledge that in some way.

We guys are well aware of the difference between classy and trashy. And class begets class.
posted by private_idaho at 3:51 PM on August 20, 2010


Response by poster: Just saw him...not sure if he was nervous or rushed at work, but I really think this is going to be difficult since he seems all business at work. Nice, but still all work. I was in line and he walked over to say hi and asked how I was doing and what I needed help with...but he kept shifting his feet and stuttering, so IDK. After I told him, he immediately went over the to girl that would end up helping me and talked to her. I'm going to chalk it up to him being really nice and having a good customer service ethic. I'm going to end up seeing him again in a few weeks, but I think most of you guys are right, unless I see him outside of work, it's going to end up being completely professional. Argh!
posted by penguingrl at 11:10 AM on August 21, 2010


He may have liked you very very much, ....and also be attached. One great big step forward and a lot of shifting and stuttering two steps back is a sign of that.
posted by uans at 7:47 PM on August 21, 2010


One great big step forward and a lot of shifting and stuttering two steps back is a sign of that.

It could also mean that he got the sense you liked him and is creeped out by you.
posted by anniecat at 7:20 AM on August 24, 2010


Response by poster: @ anniecat, you're funny.
posted by penguingrl at 8:27 PM on August 24, 2010


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