I come for the coffee but I stay for the scenery
August 15, 2007 9:11 PM Subscribe
I heart my barista.
I live in extremes and don't know how to subtly tell a cute boy that I like that I...um, like him, without sounding like I'm in 8th grade (which is how I feel, although I'm very much in my 20s.)
I know this is insanely silly. I go to a cafe to study and have had a crush on one of the guys there for more than half a year now. I unconsciously stare at him so much that the rest of the staff must surely know I like him but in my defense I don't think it comes off as creepy and I catch him looking at me too, sometimes. But I feel like I'm 14 years old.
I've got "game" when it comes to jerks and asshats, but someone seemingly sweet that I *really really* like, I devolve into a puddle of blathering awkwardness around. I haven't actually had this very sweet kind of liking for someone in a very long time. It feels very fragile but refreshing and uplifting at the same time (as in - yay! my heart hasn't turned to ice just yet!)
I finally introduced myself a while ago, and we've had an awkward convo since. I just...don't know what to do now? All my friends are in their 20's and think I'm being weird and childish but I really can't help it - I reiterate that I feel like I'm 14 around this boy! I haven't even gotten to know the other cafe staff (who now must think I'm an asocial weirdo) because I get scared (this is wholly unlike me, before the social phobia diagnoses pop up)
So. I don't want to be too direct because if the interest isn't reciprocated, I don't want to lose my study spot. But I can't keep spending so much money there everyday just to see this kid! So...suggestions as to how to approach crushes when mired in these weird customer/staff relationships? About how to become brave again? And about what the next step should be?
I know this is insanely silly. I go to a cafe to study and have had a crush on one of the guys there for more than half a year now. I unconsciously stare at him so much that the rest of the staff must surely know I like him but in my defense I don't think it comes off as creepy and I catch him looking at me too, sometimes. But I feel like I'm 14 years old.
I've got "game" when it comes to jerks and asshats, but someone seemingly sweet that I *really really* like, I devolve into a puddle of blathering awkwardness around. I haven't actually had this very sweet kind of liking for someone in a very long time. It feels very fragile but refreshing and uplifting at the same time (as in - yay! my heart hasn't turned to ice just yet!)
I finally introduced myself a while ago, and we've had an awkward convo since. I just...don't know what to do now? All my friends are in their 20's and think I'm being weird and childish but I really can't help it - I reiterate that I feel like I'm 14 around this boy! I haven't even gotten to know the other cafe staff (who now must think I'm an asocial weirdo) because I get scared (this is wholly unlike me, before the social phobia diagnoses pop up)
So. I don't want to be too direct because if the interest isn't reciprocated, I don't want to lose my study spot. But I can't keep spending so much money there everyday just to see this kid! So...suggestions as to how to approach crushes when mired in these weird customer/staff relationships? About how to become brave again? And about what the next step should be?
Make him make the first move. Just be sure you're sending him all the right signals--smiling if you ever see him noticing you, thanking him for the cup of coffee in a subtly flirty kind of way, being sure he notices you when you leave--just so that he knows what he's missing. And if he still doesn't get the hint: I suggest you be a little bolder and ask him how many times he's going to make you drink your cup coffee alone?
posted by hadjiboy at 9:28 PM on August 15, 2007
posted by hadjiboy at 9:28 PM on August 15, 2007
Considering how he's working, you really need to be the one to express your interest first. Good employees don't hit on customers. Customers hitting on employees is just something that happens.
You don't even need to be that overt about it. Just invite him to a party or something. Or let him know you're going to be at a show and see if he shows up. If he doesn't reciprocate, you don't have to stop studying there, you just have to leave him alone.
posted by bingo at 9:33 PM on August 15, 2007
You don't even need to be that overt about it. Just invite him to a party or something. Or let him know you're going to be at a show and see if he shows up. If he doesn't reciprocate, you don't have to stop studying there, you just have to leave him alone.
posted by bingo at 9:33 PM on August 15, 2007
Yeah, don't wait for him to make a move. In most franchise coffee chains, making a move on a customer would be severely frowned upon by the management, but it's legit if you ask him out.
And don't ask him to go for coffee - it's cute n'all, but the last thing most baristas want to do after a day slinging espresso is go for a coffee. Instead, walk up, order your drink and say:
"Hey, I was wondering, would you like to go for a drink with me?"
Trust me, he'll be delighted. And if he stutters and doesn't sound sure, it's probably because he's as nervous as you are.
posted by Happy Dave at 9:50 PM on August 15, 2007 [1 favorite]
And don't ask him to go for coffee - it's cute n'all, but the last thing most baristas want to do after a day slinging espresso is go for a coffee. Instead, walk up, order your drink and say:
"Hey, I was wondering, would you like to go for a drink with me?"
Trust me, he'll be delighted. And if he stutters and doesn't sound sure, it's probably because he's as nervous as you are.
posted by Happy Dave at 9:50 PM on August 15, 2007 [1 favorite]
A great way to show interest indirectly is to lose the nervousness and take interest in him. Strike up a conversation with a "so how are you doing?" or "how is your day going?" Maintain eye contact, truly listen to him, lose your self consciousness, and see if he takes the hint. If not, be a little more direct. Tell him that the coffee-serving industry is becoming increasingly fierce, and ask him if he's ever done research at a competing coffeehouse. "It really is necessary these days, you never know when your competitors might turn up an industry-changing innovation and steal customers!" Then suggest that you go with him, to allay any suspicions of espionage.
I've successfully used this approach, give it a shot!
posted by charmston at 9:51 PM on August 15, 2007 [3 favorites]
I've successfully used this approach, give it a shot!
posted by charmston at 9:51 PM on August 15, 2007 [3 favorites]
Compliment his latte art. Compliment his shot quality. You'd be amazed how much baristas warm up to customers who really know coffee. And therewith, foot in door.
Pace Happy Dave, baristas at third-wave coffee places LIVE coffee and DO go to other coffee houses after work. Suggest another cool place- "hey, I love how you rock that FB70- you wanna head over to Caffe Buono and check out their Synesso?" Love will bloom.
posted by ethnomethodologist at 10:27 PM on August 15, 2007 [1 favorite]
Pace Happy Dave, baristas at third-wave coffee places LIVE coffee and DO go to other coffee houses after work. Suggest another cool place- "hey, I love how you rock that FB70- you wanna head over to Caffe Buono and check out their Synesso?" Love will bloom.
posted by ethnomethodologist at 10:27 PM on August 15, 2007 [1 favorite]
Give him a mix. Make sure you put some effort into the liner notes. Bonus points for songs about unapproachable crushes.
posted by cali at 10:35 PM on August 15, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by cali at 10:35 PM on August 15, 2007 [2 favorites]
OK, this is from a guy's point of view... if we're attracted to you at all, we don't care how the hell you broach the subject. We really don't. Come up and tell us however you like. It doesn't matter to us. We'll just be very happy that this hot person somehow thinks we're hot too.
Of course, if you're not confident that he's attracted to you, that makes it somewhat more risky. But not really. In fact, I'd say it doesn't matter at all. Just do it anyway. Guys don't care. We still like it even if a girl we don't find entirely attractive comes on to us. "Fuck yeah!" we think. "There is one person who finds us hot, holy shit!" He'll like it either way. Just keep that in mind.
posted by Vic Morrow's Personal Vietnam at 10:37 PM on August 15, 2007 [25 favorites]
Of course, if you're not confident that he's attracted to you, that makes it somewhat more risky. But not really. In fact, I'd say it doesn't matter at all. Just do it anyway. Guys don't care. We still like it even if a girl we don't find entirely attractive comes on to us. "Fuck yeah!" we think. "There is one person who finds us hot, holy shit!" He'll like it either way. Just keep that in mind.
posted by Vic Morrow's Personal Vietnam at 10:37 PM on August 15, 2007 [25 favorites]
Regarding cali's post:
If this is even close to an average guy we're talking about, you wouldn't need to go to the trouble. No mix tape necessary, no invitations to get coffee or a drink, although you certainly can go to that trouble if you really want to. That's what I was trying to say. :) Go for it, Sock Muppet.
posted by Vic Morrow's Personal Vietnam at 10:40 PM on August 15, 2007
If this is even close to an average guy we're talking about, you wouldn't need to go to the trouble. No mix tape necessary, no invitations to get coffee or a drink, although you certainly can go to that trouble if you really want to. That's what I was trying to say. :) Go for it, Sock Muppet.
posted by Vic Morrow's Personal Vietnam at 10:40 PM on August 15, 2007
Let me get this straight: It's OK to hang around him now, whether he likes you or not, because you don't know whether he likes you or not. He doesn't know whether you like him, because you are avoiding knowing whether he likes you or not so you can hang around him. You actually have no trouble studying in the midst of this all-consuming whirlpool of meta-ambiguity. But if he knew you wanted him, and you knew he didn't want you, the clarity of it all would make it utterly impossible to learn whilst in his presence. Have I got that right?
I submit that you have nothing to fear except fear itself. Vic Morrow and his Personal Vietnam speak great wisdom: Provided you can handle it (and you can), there is no negative outcome: Either he doesn't like you back, but he's still flattered and inclined to treat you well, or he does like you back and you have made him all kinds of happy as only a lady can.
Think of something to do together. Ask him if he'd like to do it with you. Do not merely mention that you're going to a show. Buy two tickets, then tell him you have bought two tickets and offer him the other one. Do not make a mix full of hints: Make a mix full of danceable songs, in case he needs to brush up his foxtrot and his cha-cha before he meets you at the ballroom. Do not tell him that he ought to go to a competitor's shop, and add that you'll go with; tell him that he ought to go with you, and add that it's to a competitor's shop.
Faint heart ne'er won fair barista, my friend. You have nothing to lose but your chains. You have a world to win. Crushy customers of the world, unite!
posted by eritain at 12:10 AM on August 16, 2007 [2 favorites]
I submit that you have nothing to fear except fear itself. Vic Morrow and his Personal Vietnam speak great wisdom: Provided you can handle it (and you can), there is no negative outcome: Either he doesn't like you back, but he's still flattered and inclined to treat you well, or he does like you back and you have made him all kinds of happy as only a lady can.
Think of something to do together. Ask him if he'd like to do it with you. Do not merely mention that you're going to a show. Buy two tickets, then tell him you have bought two tickets and offer him the other one. Do not make a mix full of hints: Make a mix full of danceable songs, in case he needs to brush up his foxtrot and his cha-cha before he meets you at the ballroom. Do not tell him that he ought to go to a competitor's shop, and add that you'll go with; tell him that he ought to go with you, and add that it's to a competitor's shop.
Faint heart ne'er won fair barista, my friend. You have nothing to lose but your chains. You have a world to win. Crushy customers of the world, unite!
posted by eritain at 12:10 AM on August 16, 2007 [2 favorites]
The advice here sounds good, but before you take action I would consider carefully:
The "crush" feeling is very special and magical, and can make the best of us feel all gooey inside years after middle school have ended. Just... be prepared that your feelings might not be reciprocated. While having a crush feels great and is fun, being shot down by said crush can be... um, crushing.
That being said... go for it! I always figure, if he's just not that into you, better to know now so you can move on to some more worthy barista!
posted by Zephyrial at 12:55 AM on August 16, 2007
The "crush" feeling is very special and magical, and can make the best of us feel all gooey inside years after middle school have ended. Just... be prepared that your feelings might not be reciprocated. While having a crush feels great and is fun, being shot down by said crush can be... um, crushing.
That being said... go for it! I always figure, if he's just not that into you, better to know now so you can move on to some more worthy barista!
posted by Zephyrial at 12:55 AM on August 16, 2007
I'm going to chime in as a barista, and a guy (granted, I serve ice cream too, but I digress.). You're going to have to make the first move. The ONLY time i've ever ever even come close to hitting on a girl was a situation where i had already met the girl outside of work (mutual friends), and there had been some signals sent. I'm normally too busy to chat people up past the niceties of serving them, and it's inappropriate behavior to boot. Also, i'm going to second VMPV: The only bad outcome is he doesn't like you back. I've twice been hit on at work, it totally made my day (and one of the times, I didn't even think the girl that hit on me was cute). Being told you're attractive is always awesome.
so: unambiguously hit on him, in whatever (simple!) way you like. Note on a napkin, ask him out for coffee (no really. especially if you learn up on coffee beforehand.), just tell him you think he's cute. The best case scenario: you get a new beau out of the deal. The worst: you make him feel awesome, you may get further preferential treatment if you're a regular, you can continue blankly staring at him when you should be studying as you please, granted you don't continue flirting with him.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 2:52 AM on August 16, 2007 [1 favorite]
so: unambiguously hit on him, in whatever (simple!) way you like. Note on a napkin, ask him out for coffee (no really. especially if you learn up on coffee beforehand.), just tell him you think he's cute. The best case scenario: you get a new beau out of the deal. The worst: you make him feel awesome, you may get further preferential treatment if you're a regular, you can continue blankly staring at him when you should be studying as you please, granted you don't continue flirting with him.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 2:52 AM on August 16, 2007 [1 favorite]
We still like it even if a girl we don't find entirely attractive comes on to us. "Fuck yeah!" we think. "There is one person who finds us hot, holy shit!" He'll like it either way. Just keep that in mind.
Unless she's totally creepy, like Mel from Flight of the Conchords.
posted by Kwantsar at 5:50 AM on August 16, 2007 [1 favorite]
Unless she's totally creepy, like Mel from Flight of the Conchords.
posted by Kwantsar at 5:50 AM on August 16, 2007 [1 favorite]
This is adorable. eritain and others have already said what needs to be said: You just have to put yourself out there and gasp be direct. Take the bull by the horns, if you will.
And let us know how it all turns out.
posted by canine epigram at 6:09 AM on August 16, 2007
And let us know how it all turns out.
posted by canine epigram at 6:09 AM on August 16, 2007
Crushes are little monsters that feed on their own energy. You don't like /him/ exactly, you like your idea of him, and what you know of him, but from this distance that isn't a lot, and your optimistic imagination fills in from the edges.
I say you make it a plan to get to know him. Step one is to quash the giddy crush-feelings before you do it. Make room for the real him, and that will make it easier to go to step two.
posted by cmiller at 6:25 AM on August 16, 2007 [1 favorite]
I say you make it a plan to get to know him. Step one is to quash the giddy crush-feelings before you do it. Make room for the real him, and that will make it easier to go to step two.
posted by cmiller at 6:25 AM on August 16, 2007 [1 favorite]
I'm definitely with the "ask him directly, even uninterested guys would simply be flattered" camp, but I would throw in this caveat, don't try to learn up on something just to impress someone who knows it well. At some point, the limits of your knowledge/experience will show and it's a million times easier to simply take an interest in something and asking them to share their wonderful insight is rather flattering.
posted by advicepig at 6:57 AM on August 16, 2007
posted by advicepig at 6:57 AM on August 16, 2007
agreed with the "guys don't really care too much about how it's broached" sense -- i mean, the next time you order a coffee can't you just make small talk about the weather or what you are studying or something? and then natural conversation builds up over time.. if he's interested, he'll pursue the conversation further.. if he's not, he'll kind of give you the brush off and not make a whole lot of smiley eye contact.
that said, a sure fire way to creep the hell out of me would be for you to say "i've been watching you for 6 months but was too shy to talk" or something along those lines. that did happen to me some years ago, and it was kind of freaky -- some girl admitted to watching me through my window years ago when i was at university. don't do that.
second, whoever suggested the mixtape is waaaaaay off, so i hope it was a joke. if some girl who i have never spoken to came up to me and said "i made this for you" and then shyly walked away, i would a) be slightly terrified and then b) kind of elated because i would have a hilarious story to tell for the rest of my life about a fucking LOON who gave me a mixtape.
posted by modernnomad at 7:32 AM on August 16, 2007 [1 favorite]
that said, a sure fire way to creep the hell out of me would be for you to say "i've been watching you for 6 months but was too shy to talk" or something along those lines. that did happen to me some years ago, and it was kind of freaky -- some girl admitted to watching me through my window years ago when i was at university. don't do that.
second, whoever suggested the mixtape is waaaaaay off, so i hope it was a joke. if some girl who i have never spoken to came up to me and said "i made this for you" and then shyly walked away, i would a) be slightly terrified and then b) kind of elated because i would have a hilarious story to tell for the rest of my life about a fucking LOON who gave me a mixtape.
posted by modernnomad at 7:32 AM on August 16, 2007 [1 favorite]
This isn't an answer to your question, but did you know that you have a theme song? :)
Here's Kristin Chenoweth singing it on late night tv.
Taylor the Latte Boy
There's a boy who works at Starbucks
Who is very inspirational.
He is very inspirational because of many things.
I come in at 8:11, and he smiles and says, "How are you?"
When he smiles and says, "How are you?"
I could swear my heart grows wings!
So today at 8:11
I decided I should meet him
I decided I should meet him
In a proper formal way.
So today at 8:11 as he smiled and said "How are you?"
I said "Fine, and my name’s Kristen"
And he softly answered, "Hey."
And I said "My name is Kristen, and thank you for the extra foam…"
And he said his name was Taylor,
Which provides the inspiration for this poem:
Taylor the latte boy,
Bring me java, bring me joy!
Taylor the latte boy,
I love him, I love him, I love him…
So I’d like to get my nerve up
To recite my poem musical.
He would like the fact it’s musical
Because he plays guitar.
So today at 8:11, Taylor told me he was playing
In a band down in the village in the basement of a bar.
AND he smoothly flipped the lever to prepare my double latte,
But for me he made it triple! (And he didn’t think I knew)
But I saw him flip the lever, and for me he made it triple,
And I knew that triple latte meant that Taylor loved me too!
I said, "What time are you playing? And thank you for the extra skim…"
He said, "Keep the $3.55," because this triple latte was on him.
Taylor the latte boy,
Bring me java, bring me joy!
Taylor the latte boy,
I love him, I love him, I love him…
I used to be the kind of girl who ran when love rushed toward her.
But suddenly a voice whispered "Love can be yours, if you step up to the counter, and order."
Oh taylor, the latte boy
Bring me java, bring me joy
Taylor the latte boy
I love him, I love him, I love him.
So many years my heart has waited,
Who’d have thought that love could be so caffeinated?
Taylor, the latte boy,
I love him, I love him, I love him.
I love him, I love him, I love him.
posted by elkerette at 7:37 AM on August 16, 2007 [5 favorites]
Here's Kristin Chenoweth singing it on late night tv.
Taylor the Latte Boy
There's a boy who works at Starbucks
Who is very inspirational.
He is very inspirational because of many things.
I come in at 8:11, and he smiles and says, "How are you?"
When he smiles and says, "How are you?"
I could swear my heart grows wings!
So today at 8:11
I decided I should meet him
I decided I should meet him
In a proper formal way.
So today at 8:11 as he smiled and said "How are you?"
I said "Fine, and my name’s Kristen"
And he softly answered, "Hey."
And I said "My name is Kristen, and thank you for the extra foam…"
And he said his name was Taylor,
Which provides the inspiration for this poem:
Taylor the latte boy,
Bring me java, bring me joy!
Taylor the latte boy,
I love him, I love him, I love him…
So I’d like to get my nerve up
To recite my poem musical.
He would like the fact it’s musical
Because he plays guitar.
So today at 8:11, Taylor told me he was playing
In a band down in the village in the basement of a bar.
AND he smoothly flipped the lever to prepare my double latte,
But for me he made it triple! (And he didn’t think I knew)
But I saw him flip the lever, and for me he made it triple,
And I knew that triple latte meant that Taylor loved me too!
I said, "What time are you playing? And thank you for the extra skim…"
He said, "Keep the $3.55," because this triple latte was on him.
Taylor the latte boy,
Bring me java, bring me joy!
Taylor the latte boy,
I love him, I love him, I love him…
I used to be the kind of girl who ran when love rushed toward her.
But suddenly a voice whispered "Love can be yours, if you step up to the counter, and order."
Oh taylor, the latte boy
Bring me java, bring me joy
Taylor the latte boy
I love him, I love him, I love him.
So many years my heart has waited,
Who’d have thought that love could be so caffeinated?
Taylor, the latte boy,
I love him, I love him, I love him.
I love him, I love him, I love him.
posted by elkerette at 7:37 AM on August 16, 2007 [5 favorites]
A lot of the responders seem to suggest that guys find it to be a kind of miracle if a girl hits on them overtly, and that this is the best possible way to go. I would take another approach. You really should -- well, do something about it -- but the best something wouldn't be an immediate full-on attack. If it's been going on this long, why not give it a bit more time to build up? Start a conversation, but don't make it about how attractive he is or a date proposition straight out. Not only is that less likely to lead to something interesting, it's also less fun. He'll have a sense from the situation and probably from heaps of telltale signs in your looks, movements, voice, etc what it's about; you won't need to say it outright right away. The great thing to realize and keep in mind is that your chat really doesn't even need to be good! Just make a stupid remark about anything to break the ice. If nothing comes of it give it another try later. If it's destined to be then you'll figure it out once you're talking.
(The French have a wise epigram that sums up the obvious awful thing about love: "Suis-moi je te fuis, fuis-moi je te suis." Follow me and I run away, run away from me and I follow you. The head-on approach can be foiled by the basic perversity of the human heart!)
posted by paul! at 8:41 AM on August 16, 2007 [4 favorites]
(The French have a wise epigram that sums up the obvious awful thing about love: "Suis-moi je te fuis, fuis-moi je te suis." Follow me and I run away, run away from me and I follow you. The head-on approach can be foiled by the basic perversity of the human heart!)
posted by paul! at 8:41 AM on August 16, 2007 [4 favorites]
Oops. I said "break the ice", but I just meant you need to be talking. Awkwardness isn't fatal, and it probably seems like more of a problem than it really is when you're just worrying away in your corner. Talking: that's it.
posted by paul! at 9:24 AM on August 16, 2007
posted by paul! at 9:24 AM on August 16, 2007
I totally agree with Vic Morrow's etc. For a lot of guys, it's incredibly exciting to be asked out because it just happens so very rarely. You have a large margin of error, most likely.
posted by ORthey at 9:31 AM on August 16, 2007
posted by ORthey at 9:31 AM on August 16, 2007
friend asked out a girl at coffee shop. didn't work out. now he gets wierded out every time we go to our favorite coffee shop.
posted by Gregamell at 11:02 AM on August 16, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by Gregamell at 11:02 AM on August 16, 2007 [1 favorite]
Seriously, seconding modernnomad, do NOT, NOT, NOT give him a mix tape or anything cutesy or anything that smacks of a ton of effort (I would also put buying two tickets to a show in this category, and shows are kind of crappy first dates, I think). It's way too much. Just ask him out for a drink, keep it casual. Drink dates are more datey than coffee dates anyway, which can put you in a weird friend zone- I have had coffee dates that I didn't even realize were dates until months afterward.
I know it's nervewracking, but you can do it! If you're so nervous you're worried you'll stutter or trip over your words or something get a friend who won't make fun of you to role-play ahead of time. It's really dorky but it can be helpful to decrease the jitters.
posted by alicetiara at 12:53 PM on August 16, 2007
I know it's nervewracking, but you can do it! If you're so nervous you're worried you'll stutter or trip over your words or something get a friend who won't make fun of you to role-play ahead of time. It's really dorky but it can be helpful to decrease the jitters.
posted by alicetiara at 12:53 PM on August 16, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
As for a specific customer/staff relationship... does he work everyday? If he doesn't, then you won't necessarily lose your study spot, so there's not that big a risk, y'know?
posted by Phire at 9:25 PM on August 15, 2007