Help me stop thinking about their exes?

April 3, 2010 4:13 AM

How do I get over the difference in our levels of experience with respect to relationships?

This has come up on AskMe before, and apart from therapy, one of the mind tricks recommended was to consider the fact that the significant other is no longer with their ex, and thus there must be something about the current relationship that the previous relationship didn't or couldn't provide for them.

This is a great piece of advice, but in my case there are people in my SO's past for whom they would have moved mountains. These exes were the ones who ended things, not my SO, so I can't help but feel like if they were given the choice today between me and their ex, they would drop me in a heartbeat. I also feel like I'm not going to have the same kind of impact and influence on my SO that their exes had, or that they have on me, which makes me really sad.

I know that's a hypothetical situation and it's stupid to worry about something that's just not going to happen, but it makes me feel like they're settling for me. I acknowledge that these people are an important part of their past and that they were instrumental in shaping who they are now, but how do I mentally separate "important influence" from "someone they could still pine for"?

This is not my first relationship or my first long-term relationship, but I was the initiator of breakups in all my past relationships, so I can't draw on my experience to get me out of this weird headspace. They have had a lot more relationship experience than me, which I'm fine with in abstract - it's just a few specific ones that I know were a huge deal to them that get to me, even though they ended years and years ago.

Other than that, everything else is absolutely perfect. We've been together for about a year, and we're still giddily in love. I've mentioned some of these concerns to them, but I don't want to keep picking at this when they've been totally reassuring and understanding, and thus potentially create resentment where none was present.

I understand that this is an irrational way of thinking, so I would really appreciate some suggestions for mental mantras like the above to snap myself out of this line of thinking. Any advice is hugely appreciated! I don't want to sabotage a fantastic thing. I also have some insecurity and self-esteem issues generally so I am looking into my options for therapy, but I'd like a short-term fix for this specific obsession while the long-term solution is getting worked out.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (8 answers total)

You're focusing a LOT on "who ended it." I don't really see why. He could still be jealous of you for your past relationships -- it's possible that you want to get back together with them. After all, you might have had mixed feelings about the breakup, or you could have changed your mind, or your ex-boyfriend might have earned a higher salary and gotten better-looking since the breakup. (And even if those things aren't true, how does your boyfriend know?) It's also possible that he isn't over his girlfriends from years ago even after a fantastic year of being with you. But wouldn't you want him to assume you're not going to get back together with your exes -- not because it's impossible, but because it's unlikely, and thinking otherwise would be a distraction from your actual relationship? Same goes when the roles are reversed. So I don't think "who ended it" is very important.

Your fear is similar to the way people fear flying on planes much more than they fear cars. Yes, it's always possible you could die in a plane crash. Yes, it's always possible he could get together with his exes. But why worry about being on a plane when it's much riskier to be in a car? Why worry about him getting back together with his exes when, if he were to start something with someone else, it'd be much more likely to be with someone who didn't dump him years ago? The answer is availability bias: you're more concerned with the thing that easily, vividly comes to mind. Him getting back together with specific people you've mentioned (especially if you've seen what they look like) is more available to your mind, just as a spectacular plane crash is more available than a mundane car crash. Similarly, many people are more afraid of dying in a terrorist attack than a car or plane crash, because they can more easily call to mind the vivid images of terrorism that are broadcast by the media. If the media endlessly replayed slow-motion video of individuals dying in car crashes, people would be more afraid of those. Your mind is acting like the media, sensationalistically replaying images of specific future relationships your boyfriend could have, utterly out of proportion with the realistic likelihood of that happening.
posted by Jaltcoh at 5:44 AM on April 3, 2010

There's a reason therapy is given as a "trick" as an answer to these questions. The root of your problem lies in low self-esteem, which therapy will help you address and overcome. You say you're looking into therapy but want some short-term fix--I suggest you get set up with a therapist right away. I struggled with this problem for years, went to therapy for something else, and poof! This problem was resolved. Quick fix: stop "looking into" therapy, make an appointment and pick up the book Feeling Good.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 6:15 AM on April 3, 2010

This is more about how your SO handles getting dumped than anything else. You are not fighting with their past--you are fighting with their current description of their past. Go ahead and say that you want to discuss how they talk about past partners and explain that you are only human and that the terms they use are sometimes disheartening. Remember also that it appears that if you dumped them, they would have the same attitude about you.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:02 AM on April 3, 2010

So, nobody has ever broken up with you in your past? Perhaps that is at the root of your thought problem.

When you ended your past relationships, if most of the endings were not mutual, you never got to see the internal thoughts and feelings the person you were breaking up with had -- only the presentation of "I don't want to end it I'll do anything to make it work" that many people put forward when they don't want their relationship to end.

You never got to feel the acceptance they experienced, after it became clear that you were going to get back together with them, that your exes must have experienced.

You've never felt the moment where the "I don't want this to happen, why is this happening to me" fog lifts and you realize that the breakup was a good thing and that your life is better now.

You've never felt the gratefulness, that the person who did not want to be with you set you free, so that you could have the experiences you're having now, that are oh-so-much better -- or had the epiphany that if your trying to reconcile would have been successful, you'd not be nearly so happy as you are now.

I'm not saying you should go out and get dumped to understand, I'm simply saying that your having trouble relating because your mind trick does not seem to go far enough. Your line about "something the previous relationship didn't provide for my SO is being provided here" is obviously not clicking with you deeply enough.

Your SO loved before, but the fact that the relationship ended when the person your SO was in love with moved on is a fundamental thing about the relationship that ceased to make it workable.

Trust in your SO that he or she is emotionally mature enough not to cling to the past, it sounds like that is in no way happening, since your SO is open enough to fall in love with you, and to talk about previous experiences without bitterness (or so it seems).
posted by pazazygeek at 7:02 AM on April 3, 2010 [1 favorite]

Oh, I guess you never specified any genders but I just assumed. These questions are easier to talk about if we don't have to dance around the pronouns.
posted by Jaltcoh at 7:12 AM on April 3, 2010

What kind of 'influence' do you want to have on your SO? You talk about how the exes have 'an influence' that you don't seem to feel you'll be able to replicate, but surely they must have all had difference influences on him/her. Yes, of course, you won't be able to have the first-puppy-love influence or possibly the discovered-myself-at-college influence of whatever influences you're jealous the exes (combined) had on your SO. But, that's brilliant, no? You can define your own influence.

I know with Mr. Brambory I'll never have the slightly-older-girl-first-love-first-broken-heart - he's already had that. Old news. Our relationship is different, special, and unique. Yours is too.

And if you are still 'giddily in love' after a year, you are already 'that guy/girl I was absolutely crazy about for a whole year'. You have the ability to have a great influence on your SO. If I were you, I'd aim for a positive influence, and not on breaking your SO's heart.
posted by brambory at 10:29 AM on April 3, 2010 [1 favorite]

Hmm. I wonder if hiding this like it's something you're ashamed of might make it stronger. My honest but irrational (knock on wood) fear that my boyfriend would prefer to be with someone who is more hardcore is now a joke about his Other Girlfriend who is totally hardcore. I joke about it from time to time, he laughs and agrees that he is going to spend the entire conference with her doing hardcore things (said in a way that makes it clear it's a complete joke), and I feel better. This gives my insecurity a little attention, quickly confirms my fear is irrational, and overall defuses tension rather than letting it fester inside me into some kind of Big Deal that requires heavy discussion.

(One caveat: I'm generally not very jealous or insecure, and I wonder if it might be harder to turn it into a light joke if it was something that did weigh heavily on you.)
posted by salvia at 12:23 PM on April 3, 2010 [1 favorite]

Sometimes this shit is just irrational. For me, its about fear of loss. I am in the most secure, least jealous relationship you can imagine, and yet there was one ex of his who just *annoyed* me simply ny still existing. FWIW, that was all about skills she brought to that relationship that I just don't have; realising that did help a lot, as did noting all the stuff I bring on my own merits.

More than anything though, telling my partner that I had a stupid issue with this stupid woman, as often as I needed to, is what got me the reassurance I needed. I would really, really suggest putting your cards on the table and giving him a chance to address this with you.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:48 PM on April 3, 2010