I'm making myself miserable!

May 20, 2007 10:03 AM

How can I stop thinking about my boyfriend's past loves?

I really am becoming quite crazily obsessed with this. I'm having trouble sleeping and have lost weight as a consequence (despite no loss in appetite). Basically, this is my first relationship. We're more than a few months in now, we both love each other and everything is genuinely fantastic. He is absolutely amazing.

The problem is, in my head, I can't stop thinking about the fact that, before me, there was a five-year relationship. I'm driving myself crazy with thoughts like "He can't love me as much as I love him, because he's been here before", and "Everything he does with/says to/experiences with me, it's my first time, but he's done it all before, so it's invalid for him, or means less". I obsess about how much he loved her, how much prettier/smarter/funnier she was than me, the fact that all of his friends - now my friends too - are still friends with her and see her and like her (more than me, probably)

Clearly this is not aided by the fact that I am insecure, paranoid and suffer from anxiety and have deep issues with believing people like - especially love - me. Fortunately he's not aware of any of this (I'm good at hiding it all. We've never discussed it, and when it has come up he's been great about the fact that there are discrepancies with our past experiences. He feels bad, but hey, what can he do?).

I don't really know what my question is here, except maybe 'is this normal' and 'will it stop'? Maybe 'how do you just put out of your head that someone you love, loved someone before, for longer, and had sex with them, and shared the same kinds of experiences that you're having with them now?'

I've even gotten to the point where, as much as I love him, absolutely and totally and can't imagine ever not loving him, I feel like I might have to end it, to stop all this constant and time-consuming stress I've got going on. I feel like I'm starting to destroy this relationship from the inside out. I hate myself for not being able to just be happy, when I've got such an amazing thing going on and he's so happy with me (I say it, you see, but I don't believe it. I really don't get what he's doing with me.) Also, anyone I have mentioned it to has said "try not to think about it". I would like to point out that this is the worst advice to ever give anyone, ever. If I could try not to/succeed in not thinking about it, there wouldn't be a problem in the first place.

posted by trampesque to human relations (32 comments total)

Also I meant to say, he's never made any comparison between me and his ex. And he's never given any indication that she was better. I just make these things up in my head and then dwell on them.
posted by trampesque at 10:06 AM on May 20, 2007

I don't think it's normal. There's two possibilities -- that you're stressing about something you're seeing in him, and you're fixating on his past relationships as the cause, or you're secretly afraid that you're not good enough and you're going to lose him and your own self-confidence is getting in the way of the relationship.

The core of the issue: He left her, and he's with you now. That means that you're better for him than she was.

Whenever you start down that path of thought, you might try some self-soothing exercises by stopping whatever you're doing, telling yourself that she's his past and you're his present, and that you love each other. Focus on the present and the future, ignore the past. If you have issues with paranoia and anxiety, the ability to self-soothe is going to be a vital skill for you to pick up moving forward into a serious relationship.

Serious relationships require trust and faith... and anxiety and paranoia get in the way of both of those. Learn to trust and learn to have faith in him. Of course, that's implying that he can trust you and does have faith in you as well -- it's a two way street.
posted by SpecialK at 10:20 AM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

these fears aren't unusual at all. since you know your fears are irrational, i would suggest seeing a psychologist.
posted by thinkingwoman at 10:21 AM on May 20, 2007

Clearly this is not aided by the fact that I am insecure, paranoid and suffer from anxiety and have deep issues with believing people like - especially love - me.

To me, it doesn't sound so much like a case of "this is not aided by". It sounds more like a case of "this is mostly caused by". You'd have to deal with those underlying issues more than just the ramifications of them (i.e., 'not thinking about' the thoughts they cause). A therapist might help.

Imagine that the situation were reversed; you're the one who had a previous long-ish relationship, and you were his first girlfriend. Would you necessarily love him less than he loves you, because you'd had a boyfriend before? Would experiences shared by the two of you mean less, or 'be invalid, to you because you've experienced them before? Would you love him less because, according to him, your previous boyfriend was [insert adjective]-er than him? Etc, etc.
posted by CKmtl at 10:26 AM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

er, what i meant to say is that although those fears aren't unusual, when they escalate to the point that they are interfering with your life (as they clearly are), you should consider seeing a professional, someone who will help you come up with ways of dealing with these thoughts.

just as a third party, of course, i would remind you that he wouldn't be with you if he didn't want to be, and the previous relationship did help him become the person you love (and become the person who loves you).

maybe you should try thanking that woman.
posted by thinkingwoman at 10:26 AM on May 20, 2007

Try n I honestly think you're attempting to address the wrong issue here. Your general insecurity about your worthiness is probably more relevant here than this particular line of self-doubt.

A very slight touch of jealousy may be normal, but not this. It's not that you should try to suppress your considering of the fact that he's had a previous relationship, it's that the knowledge of the matter shouldn't bother you so much.

You may be ascribing too much moral weight to this relationship. If it does end, will you end up a wreck?

I do have a knee-jerk response saying go see a professional about your self-esteem issues, but it seems like things are beginning to pick up in life anyway. You may just need to go with the flow so to speak. So maybe you're on the right track seeking advice with just particular issue. Damn, I dunno. Good luck.
posted by Firas at 10:26 AM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Please please please please talk to your boyfriend.

For what it's worth, I'm kinda-sorta the mirror image of you. I've been in one relationship before my current one, as well as a couple one-nighters, but I've seriously never felt about anyone like I feel about my boyfriend. Despite the fact that I'd been in a relationship before, the first time I kissed him was completely different, far more intense and far more wonderful than any kiss I'd previously experienced. He was also a virgin before sleeping with me, but the first time we slept together was way more amazing and perfect than the night I lost my virginity.

And, here's the thing: I've been insecure about similar things. I've worried that he'll want to experience other guys besides me, I've worried that he worries about the things you do, and so on. Maybe all this has occurred to your boyfriend. It will do both of you good to talk about, it as long as you don't come to the conversation in an adversarial frame of mind. You're feeling a little (or a lot) insecure in the face of imagined deficiencies compared to another woman, and that's ok. But remember that he's not with her, he's with you. It's ok to need reassurance, but you'll also need to let yourself trust in the reassurance he gives you.
posted by kavasa at 10:27 AM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

I had horrible insecurity and jealousy in my first relationship, which was with someone much more experienced. It's a different case in that I really did have competition from someone else but not all the problems were because of that.

Anyway, I agree that "don't think about it" is horrible advice. I would suggest writing all of your worries down and revisiting what you have written often, as putting anxious thoughts in a concrete form will tend to lessen their power over you. Also, if you can learn to sometimes catch yourself obsessing and turn "He's going to leave me" into "I'm noticing myself thinking that he's going to leave me" that will give you a greater feeling of control over your mind.

Maybe try some guided meditation CDs as well. They tend to be kind of cheesy but will relax you anyway.
posted by teleskiving at 10:38 AM on May 20, 2007

One thing to remember is that although he has shared the kind of experiences you have together with someone else, he hasn't shared the same experiences. An analogy: his ex-girlfriend is Applebee's and you're Spago. Sure, he can get a meal at both, but one is clearly preferable to the other.

Also, I don't know how much this will help, but I find that whenever I get all you don't love me! towards my boy, it's frequently because I'm feeling down on myself, and I'm projecting that onto him. There's no easy fix, unfortunately; but if this is the case with you, just recognizing that you're projecting -- that the doubts are coming from you rather than him, and are therefore in your control -- does help a lot. And of course, working on your self-esteem in the long term.

I agree that "just try not to think about it" is crappy advice. But "try not to dwell on it" is better; especially if you can put your thinking in the context of recognizing the ways your guy and his ex were not as compatible as the two of you are -- after all, they did break up for a reason.

Since you indicate that it's been months and this is still affecting how you interact with your boyfriend, you might also benefit from therapy to explore why you find yourself thinkig this way and to develop some mechanisms for re-directing yourself when you find yourself obsessing. There are plenty of threads archived here on how to find a therapist, or you could ask your doctor for a recommendation.
posted by AV at 10:45 AM on May 20, 2007

Your thoughts aren't unusual in and of themselves -- everyone gets them at one time or another -- but for them to take up so much of your headspace is worrisome. I would second the notion that you talk to a good therapist: it sounds like the fundamental problem is that you have low self-esteem. I'm wondering whether cognitive therapy might not be useful. I can recommend Learned Optimism as a good book to read to get an understanding of how to change how you think about this relationship.

FWIW, I also have the same problem: I always have a little internal voice in my head saying, "I'm not good enough for her," and it's been hell to try and control it. It's possible, though, and once you do, you'll be much happier!
posted by brool at 11:02 AM on May 20, 2007

Based on this question and all of your past questions, I would have already left you.

Trampesque, I'm really not trying to sound like a jerk, but go look at your AskMe history. You're stressing out and obsessing about everything, including the fact that you're stressing out and obsessing.

Please, for your and your boyfriend's sakes both, seek professional help with this. It's not normal to freak out so much.
posted by Jairus at 11:14 AM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Trampesque,
This thread can only provide small bandaids at best. You need to see a doctor to deal with stuff. Why? Because...

I've even gotten to the point where, as much as I love him, absolutely and totally and can't imagine ever not loving him, I feel like I might have to end it, to stop all this constant and time-consuming stress I've got going on.

... you seem to have a good thing, but you're going to destory it because it stresses you out. That's not healthy.

Do you need finding figuring out to get help? If so, please ask, askmefi has been good to people in the past who needed help but couldn't afford it/figure out where to look/ etc etc

Also, breaking up with him won't relieve your stress, it'll just add to it as you stress yourself out why you ended it.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:21 AM on May 20, 2007

My guess is this: part of you is thoroughly convinced that you are worthless. You love the guy, but if he really knew who you were, he'd run so fast the pictures would fall off the walls. This is manifesting as fear about his old relationship, but if it wasn't that, it would be something else. Part of you is convinced that you're just not good enough to love or be with.

The biggest problem is that this part of you can can deliberately screw up the relationship to make it come true. Minds are complex things, and you can have lots of different drives floating around in there underneath your conscious perception. The fear of losing him can, itself, drive him away... sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If this is an accurate guess, your first instinct will probably be to beat up on yourself about it; you're bad and worthless for thinking you're bad and worthless. :) It's a nasty trap, and it's hard to get out of. Perfectionism breeds insecurity; you're not as good as you imagine you could be. But the imagination thing is just fantasy; you're holding yourself to a standard that doesn't exist and never could.

You would be wise to seek therapy posthaste. It will be difficult and painful and will probably take years to really work through. But you can get some immediate help, and can prevent yourself from doing anything unusually self-destructive until you get a handle on why you're so convinced you're no damn good.

One of the biggest things to realize: if the relationship fails, that does not mean you are worthless. This is another aspect of the same trap: you can get into this thing where you validate your existence based on being in that relationship, and the possibility of it ending will be the most threatening possible thing that could happen to you. This can really mess you up.

That does not mean you should pre-emptively end the relationship, though! Just go find a therapist, and don't do anything you'll regret in the meantime. The love is real... the fear is an illusion you're creating. And the way out of fear... is through it.
posted by Malor at 11:39 AM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Since a couple other people pointed it out already, I do agree there's a theme in your AskMe history.

I think if you work on your general self-esteem and anxiety first you'll find a lot of your relationship problems will take care of themselves or at least be less pronounced.

In the meantime, I agree that talking with your boyfriend would be a good thing. You say you've never mentioned this to him before so I'm inclined to think that's if he's a nice guy he'll be sympathetic and reassuring. There's nothing to worry about as long as you don't start telling him every anxious thought that comes into your head.

It's not the same thing exactly but I recently found an old book of my boyfriends inscribed with a love note from a mysterious "L". It felt like crap to have to see that. I finally got the courage to ask him about it and it turns out "L" was his sister. Sheesh! He thought it was cute that I was jealous and I joked that it was little "Return to the Blue Lagoon" but if I hadn't said anything it would still be bugging me.
posted by Jess the Mess at 11:43 AM on May 20, 2007

Sadly, a recent relationship of mine ended over a similar issue.

A year ago I had a brief romance with a coworker. It lasted maybe a month before we parted ways. Some time after, I became involved with a wonderful woman and formed a relationship that would last more than half a year. She was beautiful and intensely loving and we shared many great experiences, but she was also inexperienced.

She was aware that I still worked with this past fling. She could not be convinced that I was over it, that it had had none of the depth of our relationship, that I in fact loved her. She was certain that I still had feelings for this woman and that I was constantly on the brink of returning to her.

It was a persistant issue. Had I seen the woman at work? Talked to her? Nothing I could say or do was any reassurance. One day my girlfriend would be comfortable and loving, and the next day the imagined threat would throw her into a jealous rage. On any given day I didn't know if she was coming or going.

After several months I had grown tired of the swaying pendulum. I gotta admit, I changed: I went from open and honest to silent. When the topic came up yet again, I would calmly explain that I had said everything that could be said the last time we argued, that my feelings hadn't changed, that darling I love you, but I can't go through this yet another time. Thus the spiral turned downward.

Don't do that to your guy. It's just as hard on him as it is on you.
posted by rlk at 11:53 AM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

OMG, you people are harshing my (and probably Trampy's) mellow. If she didn't have stuff to freak out about, I'm sure she does now!

Trampesque, don't feel rotten, it's not the end of the world. Relationships tend to amplify issues. Great that you've identified some of yours! And since this is your first real relationship, what better way to set precedent and develop healthy habits. You've already started by recognizing the problem...and you've even started doing something about it. Fantastic! Just keep on going with that. A therapist is helpful, so are relationship and self-esteem building books. So is writing. And great friends. But above all that, the best thing I can recommend is this: learn how to keep this all contained within the relationship. And you do that by communicating with your boyfriend. It'll be hard at first, and riddled with insecurity, and you may not get it right. But be proud of yourself for doing it. You'll get better. And if he's a good guy, he'll listen and try to be supportive of your fears. He can't solve it for you, and this is not his problem. But he can be there!

Find healthy things to do that relieve stress and build self-esteem. Especially things that don't include him, so that the time you spend together is fun and easy-going. You'll find a good balance. Don't give up. Nobody's perfect at this and we all freak out. You know it's self-generated fear, and you're doing something about it, so give yourself time and cut yourself some slack. It's a journey, not a destination.
posted by iamkimiam at 12:21 PM on May 20, 2007

Sorry, I didn't mean to bag on everybody...on reread it came out all wrong. There is a lot of great advice in here.
posted by iamkimiam at 12:23 PM on May 20, 2007

I didn't get a chance to read the other replies to this post thoroughly, which I usually do, but hey it's Sunday morning and I just woke up.

As a guy, I can sympathize with your situation, because when I was younger, I perpetually dated much older women, and I went through a similar thing. I can't really nail down what part of my character this behavior was as an expression of, that is to say, whether I was subconsciously doing it out in order to get out of the relationship, or doing it despite my best intentions to stay in the relationship. But I'm leaning toward the latter.

This is a You problem, and quite frankly, an immaturity problem (I don't mean that disrespectfully), in the sense that you've allowed yourself to create a problem with a relationship that, casually, has not created any problems for you. I noticed some people mention that you may you think you are worthless; I doubt this is true. I imagine you are a supremely confident person in normal life, but that this plays out as "confidence issues" when you deal with the idea of having a boyfriend that you love so much, but who may himself have been in a previous loving relationship. You feel at a disadvantage. This is simply a lack of perspective. Don't worry about it.

Maybe professional help isn't a bad idea. But I wouldn't mention it your significant other. I don't know if AskMe threads work; maybe you need a book with some nice sayings in it. Suffice to say, it's unrealistic, actually pretty mean, to judge people that you love this way. And at the end of the day, we're all going to be six feet under, so widen your horizons a little bit, take control of your emotions, and channel your worries into something positive for the relationship. It's so much harder to build something nice than it is to destroy it. Now I'm off to softball!
posted by phaedon at 12:34 PM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

casually causally
posted by phaedon at 12:38 PM on May 20, 2007

*Answer*
Assuming you're coming here for actual advice and not emotional support, then my advice is to find the areas you feel you are inferior to her, and make an effort to become better than her. Are you sure it is your fault that you are so paranoid? Is he doing anything, unconciously, to make you be crazy?

Do you feel that if you KNEW you were better than her (better liked, better looking, better in bed) that he would forget her? I don't know how old you are, but if hes been in a 5 year relationship, chances are people that you will date in the future will have had past loves. Have you had sex with him yet?



*Weird quote from Facebook*
"Don't hate me 'cuz you ain't me, get my name out your mouth and be me."
posted by mhuckaba at 12:43 PM on May 20, 2007

i don't believe this has as much to do with the ex-girlfriend so much as it has to do with you and your own feelings of self-worth and your general lack of confidence. to have let these kinds of extreme paranoid thoughts fester to the point where it is affecting your physical health as well as occupying the majority of your mental space is completely unhealthy for both your physical and mental well-being. not only does it affect you in a major way personally, and not only is it affecting your present relationship, it is going to affect any future relationship you will have.

as someone who has taken care of a lot of issues through therapy, i agree with everyone who has suggested it. in fact, i very strongly encourage you to seek therapy. you need to start feeling better about yourself and believe that you are worthy of someone's love before you can really have a successful relationship with anyone.

i don't think you have to fully disclose all of your insecurities to your bf at this point. i think you would be fine letting him know that you do have some insecurities and that, because you really love him and want the relationship to work, that you are working on addressing them.
posted by violetk at 1:10 PM on May 20, 2007

I've even gotten to the point where, as much as I love him, absolutely and totally and can't imagine ever not loving him, I feel like I might have to end it, to stop all this constant and time-consuming stress I've got going on.

And then do what exactly? Get into another relationship where you will inevitably discover that your new guy has also dated other women prior to meeting you and then repeat the same cycle all over again?

Date exclusively from the small sub-species of men who have reached their twenties without ever had any experience with woman prior to meeting you?

This is like any other irrational fear. You may not be able to just magically stop thinking about it, but you need to at least recognize the ridiculousness of it (I would imagine if he preferred his previous girlfriend he would still be with her instead of dating you) and realize that thoughts along the lines of "Gee, this dinner I'm having with trampesque sure is dull seeing as how I've had dinner with other women before" has never crossed his mind, even though you may be obsessing over it.
posted by The Gooch at 1:26 PM on May 20, 2007

As has been pointed out, there are larger issues that you need to address. When feelings are irrational, the rational does not help.
But here's a rational-bandaid anyway; some people find it helpful to realise that the person they fell in love with was not born as the person they love, but has been shaped into that person by their life experiences and choices. He has been forged into the person worthy of your love partly because of his previous relationship, not despite the previous relationship. You love the previous relationship because you love him, and to an extent, they are the same thing.

This also true in another way - your first big relationship involves a lot of uncharted waters, things and situations you haven't been in before. Everyone does things that will turn out to be mistakes, and we learn from them. When both people are having their first serious relationship together, all sorts of dumb, seemingly obvious mistakes cause a lot more stress and drama than in a relationship between people who have sailed those waters before.
Because he has had that relationship, he'll be better able to handle his end of the problems in this one than he otherwise would, and since problems in a relationship affect both people, I can confidently tell you that him having had the previous long-term relationship is saving you a not insignificant amount of unnecessary stress and difficulty. Which is especially helpful while you're exploring personally uncharted waters. :-)
posted by -harlequin- at 1:34 PM on May 20, 2007

Something else is bugging you and you are obsessing about this to not think about that. Find out what that is and your obsession will shrink to a healthy level of curiosity.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:35 PM on May 20, 2007

My guess is you are feeling all this because you do not yet know whether he is the one or merely the first one, but your attachment to him is deepening so much so fast you will be devastated if things don't work out and you end up splitting up.

The problem is, you cannot just decide he is the one all on your own. He has to decide the same thing about you at the same time, or you will be more vulnerable than I think you can tolerate.

As a result, I think you are unconsciously seizing upon an issue which upsets you enough that you can use it to delay, or even prevent falling further in love. That you can do entirely on your own. There is considerable wisdom in such a strategy, I believe.

However, I think it would be even better if the two of you could talk about where your relationship is going. You are insecure and inexperienced enough, and he is reticent-- if not bashful-- enough that you might want to try to find a good counselor to help you do this.

Good luck; I am really rooting for you.
posted by jamjam at 5:21 PM on May 20, 2007

Getting over this by making yourself feel superior to a woman you don't even know is the absolute wrong way to proceed. This has to do with YOU, not her. If you have to find ways to be better than her then you are not really working on you.
posted by loiseau at 5:32 PM on May 20, 2007 [2 favorites]

Here's the problem. When you get all anxious and worried, you are letting yourself live in a world that doesn't exist. Its a world that you created, in your mind, as a result of your fears. When you bring that world to your boyfriend and tell him about it, and get him to reassure you, you are asking him to live in the same unreal world.

What you need to do is come back to reality. Do this by focusing on your breath - breathing in, I know I am breathing in; breathing out, I know I am breathing out. As you do this, try just to focus on your breath.

What you need to do when you find yourself focusing on negative thoughts about the relationship is using the same breathing excercise, with a twist: breathing in, I know I am thinking negative thoughts, breathing out, I release my negative thoughts.

Then change to breathing in, I have fears, breathing out, I release my fears. Try this. It will help.
posted by zia at 7:00 PM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Would getting some therapy help? I'm sincerely concerned about all the problems that you've stated above: about your paranoia, self-doubt, and not believing that anyone can love you. I know how difficult it can be, especailly when someone tells you not to think about it (as if that is going to do the trick), so maybe the next best option can be to see someone who is qualified enough to help you deal with these issues.
Also, I would recommend that you be more honest with your boyfriend, for your sake; that could alleviate some of the pressure of keeping all of this stuff to yourself--what do you think?
posted by hadjiboy at 7:19 PM on May 20, 2007

Never worry about the guy's previous lover. Worry about the next one.
posted by zadcat at 7:31 PM on May 20, 2007

The problem is, in my head, I can't stop thinking about the fact that, before me, there was a five-year relationship

...which ended.

Hey, I had a five-year relationship once, and although we had some memorable moments, I wouldn't go back to her for all the whatever in the world. Furthermore, given the possibility of going back in time, knowing what I do now, I would never have allowed it to last nearly that long. It probably dragged on for around three years longer than it should have, and I am actually a little resentful over those three lost years, during which we both could have been pursuing other & better options. It also ended with particularly selfish & hurtful behaviour on her part, followed up with even greater self-centredness in the year or two that followed, which have very much soured & overshadowed anything that came before.

Just saying, because the mere fact of a relationship of that length tells you nothing about the quality of the relationship, which could have included a significant period of denial, stagnation, fear of the unknown & consequent flogging of dead horses.

Other than that, it pays far more to concentrate on creating the future, not on imagining the past, as others have said.
posted by UbuRoivas at 12:41 AM on May 21, 2007

Yeah, you might want to talk to someone *who has a degree* rather than posting to a forum on the nets.

Sounds like a recipe for heartache to me.
posted by chuckdarwin at 1:39 AM on May 21, 2007

Your boyfriend's past loves will always be there. Especially the long relationships, they are a part of his life and have shaped who he is today. But they are also his past loves, and if your relationship is going to have a future you need to accept that.

I echo all the other posters who have stated you need to seek professional help. Your deep-seated anxiety and paranoia issues are clearly not going to go away on their own, and we can't help you as they have persisted despite your numerous AskMe questions all touching on the same topic.

This is probably going to be hard for you. I'm betting if you can hide anxieties so bad they're making you lose weight from your boyfriend of many, many months, you've gotten very, very good at living the lie and are terrified if anyone found out your "weakness." This is total bullshit. You need to look at those weaknesses as things to be cut out, diseases and tumors that are not a part of you and must be dealt with using a professional's help. They will never leave you alone, you'll never be able to live your life until you do.

I've had serious self-esteem issues. I once thought of myself as completely incapable of being loved. I thought worse. I pulled myself out of it. You can, too.
posted by schroedinger at 3:19 PM on May 21, 2007