How to mend a broken heart
December 1, 2009 8:11 AM Subscribe
HeartbreakFilter: Help me come to terms with the end of my relationship and quit being in denial.
posted by mesha steele to human relations (24 answers total) 14 users marked this as a favorite
I’m a 23 year old second year law student, and he’s a 26 year old grad student. We’d been together for a year and a half (the longest relationship for either of us by far) when he dumped me last Sunday. I’m completely devastated after my Thanksgiving was ruined (I was supposed to have spent the day at his mom’s house like last year) and with finals starting next week, I’m a wreck. Help me adjust to my new situation.
He was my first real love, and I was not expecting the relationship to end, especially not so suddenly. We seemed so compatible, with similar tastes in movies and tv and we got along great even when just hanging out together. We met on OkCupid but had real life friends in common. It was just a fabulous connection both physically and mentally when we started dating right before I started law school and he went back to school for his PhD.
Some problems starting cropping up in my second semester of 1L year; I’ve always been fairly high strung with some issues dealing with anxiety. I would get really upset over little things, sometimes related to him but often just situational stressors from school. I mean, he was my best friend and I felt safe revealing my insecurities and fears to him. Conflict is rough on him, but he was always super sweet and calmed me down when I got upset and cried over something small.
The anxiety issues kept happening, where I’d pick a stupid fight over something ridiculous maybe once a month or so. To me, I’d get mad really quickly but it would also blow over quickly, and I didn’t hold grudges. Apparently, he struggled more with the conflicts and thought I didn’t seem happy with him. I was, and I tried to assure him of that. We had a fight in mid October about this, where we agreed to try taking a break, since he wanted more space (we usually saw each other everyday, and spent most nights together). After we agreed to the break, the next day he called me and apologized and asked me to come over. Everything was fine for a month until last Saturday.
The same sort of stupid fight happened Saturday, but instead of blowing over, on Sunday I went over to his apartment to see him and apologize, and he dumped me. He said that the relationship didn’t feel quite right and that if it were meant to be it wouldn’t be so hard. He said he needed space and that he kind of felt like he was losing his identity. But at the same time he kept telling me he loves me and hugging me. We were both crying, and I’m ashamed to say I begged him to give it another chance, but he refused.
Now, a week later, I’m still devastated. I’ve tried to contact him a few times, through calls and texts, but he won’t answer his phone. I know that I caused these problems by leaving my anxiety untreated for so long. I started back on Lexapro which helped me through a tough situation a couple of years ago; with the anxiety medicine, even after only a week, I’m not so concerned about the little stressors that used to bug me. I just want to give the relationship another try when I’m not so hung up about the little things. It was always just little things we fought about, nothing major.
I’m still majorly in denial about the breakup, too. I dream about him every night, and getting back together. It just doesn’t seem real to me, and so many things in my apartment and just life in general remind me of him.
After this long saga, my questions are mainly, how can I get over this sense of denial? I really want to get back together, but objectively it seems pretty unrealistic. How can I convince myself that he’s no longer my boyfriend? How can I stop myself from dreaming about him and reconciliation (I wake up so excited in the morning at first because I think the dream was real)?
Alternately, does anyone have any advice for how to approach him about giving things another chance? I really think the anxiety medication helps me, and I’d like the chance to show him that I’m not going to freak out little things anymore. How can I show him that I’ve changed? I love him so much, and he said he still loves me.