Recently, I said some harsh things to an ex whom until recently I had remained very good friends with. These things had been boiling inside me for months and I had to say them at this point. However, ever since I said them, she has disappeared from her online profiles (which she updated multiple times every day), I have no way of contacting her, and I'm worried. Obviously there's a lot going on, and some of it may be serious.
posted by marriedtotacos to human relations (33 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
Backstory: Two years ago, I met a girl online whom I was instantly drawn to (we'll call her S). She was two years older than me (at the time I was 15, nearly 16, and she was 18) and 6000 miles away, but we developed a friendship. We meshed very well together. For several months we remained friends, contacting each other via Facebook every so often, but after those few months we sort of faded out. In summer of 2010, we started talking again. At the time I was questioning my sexuality heavily (I found myself attracted to other girls and wasn't sure what to make of it) and I realized that I'd always had a bit of an unrealized crush on S. We talked online for hours every day - at least four, and as much as 14. After a couple of weeks she revealed that she had feelings for me, and I for her, and we decided to get together.
Distance was the biggest issue. I was 16 and starting college, so I had a decent amount of financial aid money, and I had no hesitations about buying S a $700 plane ticket to come and visit me. But her circumstances changed unexpectedly. Her mother got divorced, packed up, and moved to the other side of the country, leaving S as good as homeless. After talking to my mother and reasoning it out, I changed the ticket to a one-way trip. S was going to move in with me in November 2010, just before I turned 17.
As that date approached, S became more and more hesitant. Three weeks before she was scheduled to arrive, she decided not to come. I was absolutely devastated. I sunk so rapidly into depression that a therapist had to make house calls to see me. I cried every moment I was awake. My mom was furious because of the hurt S had caused me, but also because I had spent $700 on a plane ticket for her that she was not going to use. S changed her mind several times within those three weeks and her ultimate decision was that she was not going to come, that she was breaking up with me, and that she would not reimburse me for the plane ticket.
I became suicidal and was hospitalized and forced to drop out of college. A month after I got out, after having little to no correspondence with S at all, she texted me saying she missed me and she wanted to try again. I gave in and agreed. She and I began talking again. We decided that we would not be in a relationship until we were physically together, but that we would still be allowed to express romantic feelings towards one another.
In January, S was looking up plane tickets from her home in Ohio to my home in Hawaii, and found one for $300. The flight was in February. We both wanted it, but I had so many reservations. I talked to my mom and she reluctantly approved the plan, provided that I did not pay for any travel. I lied and paid for half anyway. It was the stupidest decision I ever made.
S got here in February, and it was wonderful. She bought a car, applied for jobs, and we were finally able to communicate without being on edge. It was the time of my life. Ten nights into her stay, I was in a foul mood because I was worried about our finances. We had blown a lot of money really quickly and I was scared. This set S off really badly. She wouldn't talk to me or look at me, and checked into a hotel for the night because my bad mood was "giving her panic attacks" and "making her want to go back to Ohio" and "making her wish she hadn't come". That night in the hotel, she actually had a panic attack and went to the hospital. I wanted to be there but couldn't get there. It was two in the morning, I couldn't drive, and my parents wouldn't wake up. On the phone, S said that her uncle was buying her a plane ticket back to Ohio, and that the flight was leaving that very morning. When she got back to my house, she just packed her things, not looking at me but trying to convince me that it "wasn't anything I did". I didn't believe her. She told me that nothing would change, that we were still together and that she still loved me, and then she left and I was a wreck. It tore my family apart as well. We had all really liked her and then she was gone.
We stayed in the relationship for another month and a half before she broke it off. She didn't tell me; I found out by reading on her Twitter that she was going out with another girl back in Ohio. I sent her a few messages basically consisting of "why did this happen" and "what did I do" and that was it.
For months we didn't talk. She removed me from her Facebook. But in September, she messaged me. She had moved to North Dakota and was in need of $300 to pay her rent. I was shocked that she had messaged me at all, and even more shocked that our first communication in months was her begging for money. I shouldn't have said yes. But I was still in love with the stupid girl, so I sent her $300 the next day. She swore she would pay me back when she got her financial aid check. I asked her every other week for her to pay me back, and got no response. I fucked up, big time.
Our family fell into hardship and kept falling. Prices are high in Hawaii, and most weeks we didn't have food every day. I asked S for the $300 back and got no reply. Our only car broke down and I asked S for the $300. No reply. She messaged me a week later asking to borrow $100. I told her no, I didn't have $100, sorry. She didn't message me for weeks, and her next correspondence with me was a link to a funny picture she liked.
Current situation: Several days ago, our car broke down again, and we are already dangerously close to not making rent this month. I asked S one more time to give me back the $300. This time she replied, saying that she was moving (she moves every month, it seems) and instead offering me "advice" on how to make money (donate plasma! pawn things! payday loan!). I had had it. I told her that I didn't want to hear any sobstory of hers anymore, that I was tired of being screwed over by her, and that she should've either kept her word or not bothered me at all. I told her that she needs help, that she's so unstable that it worries me night and day, and finally, what I'd wanted to say to her for months: that she'd really messed me and my family up emotionally and mentally, and that I was tired of it and that I would never speak to her or help her again.
She didn't reply, and since then she's disappeared from her online presence. Normally she would update her Tumblr hundreds of times a day. Five days ago I sent the message, and since then not one post has appeared on her Tumblr. There has been nothing on her Twitter. I called her and there was no answer.
I'm (despite myself) extremely worried. She has a history of suicidal thoughts, substance abuse, self-harm, and dangerous behavior. I have this absolute nagging feeling that I may have triggered that. I don't want to care about her anymore, but I do, and I am incredibly afraid that what I said set her off. I want to tell myself that I did the right thing by telling her that her behavior towards me both in and out of our romantic relationship was unacceptable, but I'm having a hard time believing it.
So my ultimate questions: did I do the right thing by telling her what I felt and not letting her charm me over? And how do I stop worrying about what my words may or may not have triggered in her? I have to wait until next week to talk to my therapist, but the anxiety is killing me and I just don't know whether I did the right thing or not.