Colleague at work shared my cancer diagnosis unexpectedly.

January 25, 2024 12:29 PM

I work with quite a number of people in different, far-flung departments. I became friendly with a colleague—we work together on one project, but otherwise, we don't work together and are in different departments. We sent friendly emails to each other, and I shared with him my diagnosis. More inside.

"Cameron" and I sent emails back and forth, and I finally felt comfortable enough to share my recent diagnsosis with him. I made it clear in the email that he was one of the only very few people at our place of work who knew about the cancer diagnosis. (My supervisor and couple other close coworkers know.)

Cameron has shared with me before that he's religious and goes to church. I have no issues with that. I am personally not religious—but I do believe in God, or a greater being out there, and I do pray from time to time (helps me feel better). I'm fine as long as Cameron (or anyone else) does not try to impose their religious beliefs on me.

Cameron was very apologetic when I shared my diagnosis, asked if he could share this with a couple of prayer warrior friends, and offered to go out for a meal together. This email was part of a thread where we had back-and-forths and discussed our days, etc. Nothing immensely personal, but definitely our own conversations.

I was flattered at his offer, and said it was fine for him to share with his prayer warrior friends.

Today, I'm back at the office after having completed my 2nd round yesterday (went well, by the way—feeling okay other than fatigue so far). I opened my email to a flood of emails with some colleagues wishing me prayers and well-beings. Turns out that Cameron's "couple of prayer warrior friends" were colleagues at my office. I had no idea, and was completely caught off guard. Additionally, Cameron forwarded my email in which I explained my diagnosis in detail, that was intended only for him to those people, and forwarded me their responses (thinking of him, etc). So, all those people saw our email back and forth, as well as my detailed explanation of my diagnosis.

I know Cameron had nothing but the best of intentions, but I feel a bit "exposed" and completely did not expect this at all. I thought his prayer warrior friends were people outside of our workplace, and I did not expect that he would forward our original back-and-forth emails, and I certainly didn't expect all of this.

It's sweet and nice to receive those well-wishes, but I really was not planning on sharing this in my workplace. Now I feel exposed and just... overwhelmed. I'm not sure of the best way to handle this situation, because I do feel a bit annoyed, but at the same time, I did say it was okay for Cameron to share this with his friends. I just didn't expect them to be our colleagues, and I didn't expect him to share everything in detail—a simple "please keep dubious_dude in your prayers, he's undergoing cancer treatments" would have been fine.

Thanks for any input you might have. I have not responded to any of this yet.

posted by dubious_dude to Human Relations (18 answers total)

I’m gonna say that what that person did was not OK and would not be OK with me and it’s just fine if it was not OK with you. He clearly did not fully share the information that you needed to actually give him permission. I would wait a few days probably before I responded but I would let him know that you had expected X based on his question and he did Y and you are (whatever your feelings are) about that. Moreover, you should have this conversation in person or over the phone rather than email because this person’s use of email cannot be trusted.

Please note, I’m not suggesting that this person is a monster or a horrible human being, only that he was thoughtless. And it’s not OK to be thoughtless about something like this. Now he’s made your work situation awkward because he did not tell you that any of these people were also working in your same office. That’s on him, you did absolutely nothing wrong.

So glad your second round went well, congratulations!
posted by Bella Donna at 12:39 PM on January 25 [8 favorites]

Thank those who sent prayers and well wishes and ignore it going forward. If pressed, a simple, "I would rather not talk about it." will do.

I too would have assumed their "prayer warriors" were outside the firm, likely at their church, but in hindsight that is not a great assumption. Going forward, live by the line, "It is not a secret if more than one person knows. I once asked a collogue about some information that was sensitive. He responded, "Can you keep a secret?" I said, "Of course', thinking he was about to tell me. His response, "So can I" and he hung up. It was a great point.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 12:43 PM on January 25 [11 favorites]

Cameron probably should've specified that they were colleagues, and I do understand why you find it disconcerting, but it's an honest mistake. I think you would be well-justified in saying to him that you'd prefer that he (and his friends) not share any further, as you'd like to keep work separate from your health battle/journey/issues/however you choose to characterize them. But the initial overshare on his part can't be undone, and it's not like you're close friends with a real relationship to maintain, so there's not much point in rehashing that.

(I'm glad your treatment is going well so far. I hope that this will not sound presumptuous, but, given you may not have a great deal of time left, I would be very happy to think that you were not having to spend any more time and energy on the personal conflicts that populate your prior Asks, but rather only on things that sustain and fulfill you.)
posted by praemunire at 12:44 PM on January 25 [11 favorites]

This was extremely rude and short sighted of Cameron. If you had made clear that this was private information such that he asked if he could share it with a few specific people, why did he not ask those folks to have the same boundaries? How dare he forward your private medical details to other people? And why on earth did he not specify that you already knew the people he was asking to tell?

Being religious is not an excuse for trampling boundaries and sharing private information. But unfortunately, having spent most of my formative years as a minority religion in heavily baptist and evangelical places, it does not surprise me. Here’s an example that’s much less dire than yours that happened to me: when I was 13 I got my period and shared this fact with my friend, who got her period a month later. A week after that, she proudly informed me that her church had prayed for both of our health and souls and such that Sunday because she had told her mom about me who proceeded to tell her entire damn church. At no point did it cross anybody’s minds that I would not wholeheartedly welcome their actions. We had a brief argument and patched things up, so it wasn’t friendship ending or anything, but I did learn to reiterate about secrecy and not to tell things to others whenever sharing with a fervently religious person. A bunch of things like this also happened to me in college because my friend group was closely intertwined with a charismatic young adult prayer group church situation. Ugh.

As you can tell I have a much more negative view of this situation than the above answers. But! I do agree with them that you should not spend any more energy on this than you absolutely have to. Tell Cameron he screwed up if that’s viable for you - he at least might learn about other people having boundaries different from his own - but if not you can ignore it. If you want to, you can reply to the well-wishers to say thanks but to please keep it to themselves, you had intended for it to be private information and if they want to pray for you with others to please keep it vague, like “dubious dude is enduring difficult medical experiences” or “dubious dude is undergoing cancer treatment” if you are okay with that much detail. If you don’t want to do any of that you can also ignore it all. If you are worried that things won’t stop if you don’t respond, you could reply all, say thanks for the kind thoughts but to please give you space and privacy.
posted by Mizu at 12:56 PM on January 25 [10 favorites]

I wouldn't say Cameron was rude, personally, but I also absolutely think you're within your rights to speak to Cameron and say something like:

"Hey, when you said that you were sharing things in a prayer circle I thought it would be separate from the office. I was kinda trying to keep it out of the office because I didn't want people to know about this yet. I know you meant well, but next time if you could keep things out of the earshot of people we both work with?"

As for the people at work who comment, a simple "thanks" for well-wishes, and then "I would rather not talk about it, thanks" if they follow up will be best. You may need to repeat them both a few times.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:20 PM on January 25 [24 favorites]

To well-wishers, perhaps: "I wasn't prepared for this to be shared at work, and I'd prefer not to discuss it further. Thank you for your thoughts."

To Cameron: "Dude. I had no idea you were going to share this with folks at work, and I certainly didn't expect you'd forward my email, which I believed to be private. I am pretty upset about this. To be clear: I consider emails about private matters to be private."

But, don't exchange more private, chatty emails with Cameron. He has shown you that you can't trust him.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:59 PM on January 25 [21 favorites]

(Okay, I don't know if that's the best thing to email Cameron, but I think it's totally reasonable to share that you are upset. He should certainly apologize in response, and, either way, you now know not to trust him quite so much, unfortunately. I'm very sorry this happened to you, dubious dude. I know you've had a tough road.)
posted by bluedaisy at 2:08 PM on January 25

I am very sorry this happened. I would never imagine someone would include mutual colleagues when they ask to share it with a prayer circle/prayer warriors. (Unless perhaps, this is a faith-based institution. The error might be a tad more understandable.)

I have been part of many prayer circles and we often pray for someone's co-worker, neighbor, friend, without even knowing their name. I think people usually understand how sensitive and private people's health conditions are in this context and I am sorry you weren't given that consideration. I hope this doesn't taint what I imagine are well-intentioned well wishes and prayers from people of faith and/ your colleagues.

Glad your treatment is going well.
posted by fies at 2:38 PM on January 25 [2 favorites]

Cameron may have decided what he did was okay enough because God, but what he actually did was disingenuously dishonest and you do NOT have to decide he had the "best of intentions".

Companies have not yet all formalized this particular rule, but it is coming: DO NOT SHARE PERSONAL PRIVATE INFORMATION COWORKERS MAY HAVE SHARED WITH YOU UNLESS IT IS A MATTER THAT SHOULD BE BROUGHT TO MANAGEMENT/HR'S ATTENTION. This is just straight-up fucking gossip, and it was too juicy for him to keep to himself. Forwarding your email was an absolutely unacceptable boundary breach.

bluedaisy's script is absolutely perfect: "I wasn't prepared for this to be shared at work, and I'd prefer not to discuss it further. Thank you for your thoughts." Your response should absolutely have embarrassed coworkers going back to Cameron with a giant WTF MY MAN??? and if that is the worst that happens to Cameron it will be lenient; if one of them goes to HR about it that would be appropriate.

I'm sorry, but I'm from Southern Baptist country and it is 100% clear what "share with my prayer group" is SUPPOSED to mean: you either keep it real generalized ("please pray for my coworker who has been challenged with cancer and please lead him here to this church kinda because he doesn't have the right God but also because he's got a good job and his tithe will be nice") OR you describe the person in such extensive detail without naming names that everybody knows you're gossiping (and about whom) but you cain't prove it so it ain't quite a sin. Even the gossippiest gossip in the room knows not to forward the email or otherwise do anything that might get HR involved, in the case of a coworker. He knew better, I assure you.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:45 PM on January 25 [12 favorites]

Any speculation on Cameron's motives is guessing - it doesn't matter whether people think they know people just like Cameron or are very sure about what makes religious people tick or whatever. Cameron could have a hundred different motivations because even very religious people are unique individuals, even if they go to the same church as your crazy aunt, but it really doesn't matter. I find I'm generally happier if I don't assume people's motives are bad, but ultimately, figuring out why Cameron did what he did isn't going to help you.

You do know that Cameron doesn't have the same sense of privacy that you assume is normal, so I'd certainly reconsider telling Cameron anything. And in general, you should never send an email that you aren't comfortable having forwarded to a whole bunch of people. I learned that lesson the hard way, and I'm sorry you had to learn it too, but now you know. I do think it's worth telling Cameron that you intended what you said to be private and maybe that way he at least won't continue to talk to people about it.

The issue for you now is damage control. You work with people who know stuff you would rather they didn't know. So what do you do about it? As a person who also has cancer, I have to say that you will find that most people will not keep thinking about your illness in the same way you do. They will be interested for a few days, and then they will go on with their lives and not give it a lot of thought. People aren't trying to be cruel - it's just that unless you have a strong, ongoing friendship with someone, it's just not going to be on their minds a lot. So for most people, this will die down into nothing if you give it some time.

If people do want to talk about it, just tell them that you'd rather not. That's it. Only the jerkiest sort of person will keep pushing after that.

This is not an HR thing unless Cameron is your supervisor and you told Cameron in that capacity. Co-workers are allowed to have private relationships without bringing in the big bosses just because there's some kind of conflict. And this will die down much more quickly if you let that part of it go.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this stress, but this will all die of it's own accord if you give it some time.
posted by FencingGal at 3:15 PM on January 25 [13 favorites]

I'm really sorry about your diagnosis and the fact that you're now having to deal with this stressful work situation. I'm leaving aside the good HR-related points that others have raised, so do take that angle into consideration if it's relevant.

Cameron is an illness vampire: someone who uses another person's health situation to center themselves by claiming a position of informational intimacy with the ill person. It doesn't matter that this might be entirely unconscious on Cameron's part. You now have two things to do: shut Cameron down immediately and permanently, and do a bit of damage control at your workplace.

The great news is that you can lay the groundwork for both of these things at once with a short follow-up email that cheerfully confirms how out-of-line Cameron was in sending that email (something other folks will already be thinking) and, importantly, puts the spotlight back on your relationships with your colleagues. Something along the lines of "Thank you so much, everyone, for all your wonderful expressions of support. I had intended to share this news with each of you in my own time, but, as is now probably clear, I'm still figuring out how to handle many things about this situation, including communication! I'd be really grateful if you'd be willing to [insert whatever you'd like to happen now]. And now, back to [some topic or shared sports-team opinion that gives everyone something else to respond to]."

Then do not engage with Cameron about this again, especially by email. If he brings it up in person, be inert: thank him for keeping you in his prayers or whatever (if you want to), but don't engage the topic of your diagnosis in any way. You could try something like "That's so thoughtful of you! I'd actually really like to talk about [job topic] right now."

No more thinking or fretting about Cameron. You owe him nothing, you don't need to figure out what his intentions were, and we collectively absolve you of worrying whether you might be hurting his feelings...just grey him out and focus on what you need and want right now.
posted by Hellgirl at 4:11 PM on January 25 [9 favorites]

I am 100% on team reply all with a cordial message to be left alone about it, like hellgirl above. But I also enjoy some pretty good job security and am not afraid to have publicly akward conversations in which another person is called out on their bullshit.

Ahem.

Ultimately, though how you respond is about your goals in your workplace. Want to work closely with this person with no ruffled feathers, say nothing but thank you. Want to correct him and move on with grace do it in person gently when you get the time. Want to give everyone a message that you aren't open to talking about this and it crossed a boundry go the reply all route.

I would concider briefly mentioning to your boss this was done without your consent ( church group does not equal workplace) just as an fyi to him not a request for him to do anything. Something like " I saw xyz forwarded an email about my condition. That was not something I wanted shared. It is shared now but I just wanted you to know. " Then move on to some other work topic. I say this mostly in a if he is over stepping this much with personal information in such a paper trail way there are other social norms and tons he is doing wrong.

I work in Healthcare. I couldn't ever imagine reading a forwarded email of someones health condition that didn't come from the person who wanted that information shared. I would have a completely different opinion of the person who shared that knowledge.
posted by AlexiaSky at 5:41 PM on January 25 [1 favorite]

It sounds to me like Cameron might end up being a real friend and ally for you, and it sounds like you often end up in need of both, so I would suggest soft-pedaling any expression of frustration you send Cameron's way, couching it in terms that make it feel like less of an accusation/betrayal, and more of a...resigned disappointment and heartfelt request to contain things from spreading further. You could still decide later that he's a jerk, but this way I think you're more likely to keep him on your side, at least for now.

Maybe at the end of an email you're already sending about something more positive, something like "Hey, by the way, there's no putting the genie back in the bottle on this, so I'm trying not to feel too anxious about it, but I'd been purposefully keeping my diagnosis from being known around the office, so it felt more than a bit frustrating to find out your prayer warrior friends happened to also be coworkers here. Any chance you could at least let them know that I'd very, very much like them to not spread the news any further? I'm already anxious enough about this as it is!"

I think that could be strengthened up a bit to better express how very serious this is for you, but, either way, I think there's more value -- at least for now -- in framing this as frustration about an unfortunate thing that happened, and not as anger toward what (perhaps justifiably!) felt to you like a betrayal.
posted by nobody at 5:48 PM on January 25

Response by poster: Definitely some very helpful perspectives here. A bit more background information which might (or might not) be relevant: Before I shared with Cameron my cancer diagnosis, we had some back and forth friendly chats. During some of those chats, Cameron showed a lot of flattery, saying things like I'm a prodigy, saying my winter photos were perfection, and calling me a special guy. All those made me feel very, well, special (which is rare). I think he might have been in awe that I am Deaf yet holding a successful job? He also said that he felt a special connection to me, and wondered if it was maybe a bit more than that. He's married and has kids, though.

He forwarded me people's responses to his own forwarded emails, so it was not a reply-all situation. His original email said something along the lines of "As I am writing this, I'm crying. Let's hope dubious_dude has 40 more birthdays." This was very touching.

I think what I will do is simply thank Cameron tomorrow and share how overwhelmed I was with the outpouring of emails, then pivot to asking when we could get together (I haven't met him in person yet). When we do get together in person, I will have a better baseline of his body language/vibes and can go from there, and nicely share, as some suggested, that I wanted to keep that information private. I can't call him as I am Deaf, unfortunately.
posted by dubious_dude at 7:36 PM on January 25 [4 favorites]

You have the right to privacy. Forwarding your entire email exchange to several people at work is very different than mentioning a co-worker's diagnosis to a prayer group. You had no way of knowing that he intended to do that and so were unable to give or refuse consent. Also, the entire email exchange is no-one's business. You have the right to expect your personal messages to be kept between you and the person you write to.

Telling a co-worker he has never met in person that their pictures are perfection and that they are crying about your situation is like going from zero to sixty in ten seconds.
posted by M. at 5:58 AM on January 26 [5 favorites]

I think Cameron is using you as inspiration porn, and if I were in your shoes, I would avoid him and avoid contact with him. Let this die, don't confront him over it. He wants positive attention due to association with you, is using you to leverage others' pity so he can feel like such a good friend connected to a "needy person" so he's painting you as a charity case. He cannot be trusted. Ghost him. When others talk to you, say "Wow, Cameron told a lot of people what I shared with him! But thank you so much for your kind wishes, I really appreciate it."
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:14 AM on January 26 [9 favorites]

what Cameron did is lovebombing, which is emotional abuse
posted by brujita at 6:41 AM on January 26 [5 favorites]

That's a really strong statement and a high level of intimacy from a male coworker you haven't met in person. I would keep some distance from this person and not pursue this friendship further and not escalate. I'm sorry. I know you have struggled with friendships and you are looking for support. I wonder if you might be missing some red flags in early interactions with people. This is a big red flag.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:38 AM on January 26 [14 favorites]