Feeling overwhelmed
January 13, 2024 4:18 PM Subscribe
I've had a rough few months and need to figure out what to do next.
I just returned from vacation and feeling very overwhelmed across dating, work, finances, and family stuff.
Work has been really intense. I run a business and I won't go into every detail but there's a constant crisis to manage. I work very long hours and I barely have time for socializing or things outside of it. I love what I do, and I'm immensely proud of what I have built, but it demands a ton of me to the point where I wonder if it's worth it.
I'm single at 35. I am a woman and really want children. Every night I go to sleep thinking about how I want to date and build a family, but then I wake up and I am immediately pulled into it. I also am on the dating apps and barely find time to process all the profiles or figure out who to go on a date with. How do people do it?
My father also has terminal cancer. I've been flying to see him every few months but then I feel guilty when I am not around. I want him to meet my kids but I also know it's a likely reality that it won't.
Finances wise, I am doing okay but don't have much savings to the point where I wonder if I can realistically have a child because I am helping my Dad with his cancer treatment.
I try to work out and eat healthy. I'm generally good about it but when things get intense, as they have been in the past few months, I have a harder time sleeping and eating which makes everything worse.
I can't tell what my question is. I'm just exhausted and overwhelmed, and feeling constant anxiety about what to do. I'm wondering what people think I should do to triage or give me perspective on whether this is normal or not. Is it normal that I just want to live in a van by the river? But that's totally unrealistic and I don't know what my real alternative is here. I just want contentment and an inner peace, and at least a way to figure out things.
I have a therapist which helps.
I just returned from vacation and feeling very overwhelmed across dating, work, finances, and family stuff.
Work has been really intense. I run a business and I won't go into every detail but there's a constant crisis to manage. I work very long hours and I barely have time for socializing or things outside of it. I love what I do, and I'm immensely proud of what I have built, but it demands a ton of me to the point where I wonder if it's worth it.
I'm single at 35. I am a woman and really want children. Every night I go to sleep thinking about how I want to date and build a family, but then I wake up and I am immediately pulled into it. I also am on the dating apps and barely find time to process all the profiles or figure out who to go on a date with. How do people do it?
My father also has terminal cancer. I've been flying to see him every few months but then I feel guilty when I am not around. I want him to meet my kids but I also know it's a likely reality that it won't.
Finances wise, I am doing okay but don't have much savings to the point where I wonder if I can realistically have a child because I am helping my Dad with his cancer treatment.
I try to work out and eat healthy. I'm generally good about it but when things get intense, as they have been in the past few months, I have a harder time sleeping and eating which makes everything worse.
I can't tell what my question is. I'm just exhausted and overwhelmed, and feeling constant anxiety about what to do. I'm wondering what people think I should do to triage or give me perspective on whether this is normal or not. Is it normal that I just want to live in a van by the river? But that's totally unrealistic and I don't know what my real alternative is here. I just want contentment and an inner peace, and at least a way to figure out things.
I have a therapist which helps.
tuesdayschild's comment has the podcast link, and the preceding comment talks about the book as well.
posted by smirkette at 5:17 PM on January 13
posted by smirkette at 5:17 PM on January 13
That's a lot to handle! Would freezing eggs be a possibility? It would lengthen your child-bearing time window and allow you a little more time to deal with your work and Dad stuff.
Also, I'd suggest trying to cut back on whatever you can cut back on, and to be as compassionate with yourself as possible. You're not able to do everything perfectly right now and that's OK. You're helping your dad with his treatment and you're making it through the day and anything else is the cherry on top.
Hang in there treetop89 <3
posted by hungrytiger at 6:04 PM on January 13 [6 favorites]
Also, I'd suggest trying to cut back on whatever you can cut back on, and to be as compassionate with yourself as possible. You're not able to do everything perfectly right now and that's OK. You're helping your dad with his treatment and you're making it through the day and anything else is the cherry on top.
Hang in there treetop89 <3
posted by hungrytiger at 6:04 PM on January 13 [6 favorites]
Are you the only support person your dad has? If you aren’t, think about cutting back on flights to see him, and be more communicative with his local point person and him long distance, only flying in when your dad asks for you or the local person says it’s nearly time. Cancer varies extraordinarily these days in terms of quality and length of life, even when it’s deemed terminal, and you might be heaping a lot onto yourself that other nearby people can easily help your dad with. Set up scheduled times for calls and do lots of chatting and texting with him, keep your relationship close, but sometimes it’s better for the person with cancer to focus on love between them and their closest family and arrange help and minutiae handling with someone more detached, like a professional caretaker or old friend. Talk to your dad about all this.
If the above suggestion makes you curdle with horror at the idea of it, that tells you what your priorities are. In that case, maybe there is a way for you to hire a local person to you and you can spend a longer time with your dad and do your business stuff long distance with your local guy as liaison.
I think the kids and dating thing is a distraction thrown up by your (entirely reasonable) stressors. I know women in their late forties who had healthy and comfortable pregnancies and births, and I know women in their early twenties who had a terrible time being pregnant with a ton of birth complications. You’ve got time, and options, and right now with the amount of things pulling you in different directions pregnancies and babies would probably be unwise if not unachievable. It might help you to have an appointment with a specialist to discuss your fertility and future options, if having genetic children is that important to you, so you have facts and current medical capabilities at your disposal. Remember though that there is always surrogacy, adoption, and loving your step kids as ways to have kids in your life. You might be able to have a few of these relationships when all is said and done - one of the late forties women I know who had a healthy baby is already a wonderful mom to her step daughter.
Sit down and take stock of all the resources you have. List friends, communities, organizations, and whatever else you can think of. Reach out to these people and groups and ask for help. Maybe you have a friend who would love to bring you dinner. Maybe you are part of a small business association that could help you with hiring freelancers or temporary assistance. Maybe your therapist can help connect you to someone in your dad’s area when you are visiting him, or someone near him who can help him with his own treatments in your stead. It can be helpful to just list out all the people who care about you and groups who may be able to lend a hand or provide an idea.
posted by Mizu at 6:34 PM on January 13 [3 favorites]
If the above suggestion makes you curdle with horror at the idea of it, that tells you what your priorities are. In that case, maybe there is a way for you to hire a local person to you and you can spend a longer time with your dad and do your business stuff long distance with your local guy as liaison.
I think the kids and dating thing is a distraction thrown up by your (entirely reasonable) stressors. I know women in their late forties who had healthy and comfortable pregnancies and births, and I know women in their early twenties who had a terrible time being pregnant with a ton of birth complications. You’ve got time, and options, and right now with the amount of things pulling you in different directions pregnancies and babies would probably be unwise if not unachievable. It might help you to have an appointment with a specialist to discuss your fertility and future options, if having genetic children is that important to you, so you have facts and current medical capabilities at your disposal. Remember though that there is always surrogacy, adoption, and loving your step kids as ways to have kids in your life. You might be able to have a few of these relationships when all is said and done - one of the late forties women I know who had a healthy baby is already a wonderful mom to her step daughter.
Sit down and take stock of all the resources you have. List friends, communities, organizations, and whatever else you can think of. Reach out to these people and groups and ask for help. Maybe you have a friend who would love to bring you dinner. Maybe you are part of a small business association that could help you with hiring freelancers or temporary assistance. Maybe your therapist can help connect you to someone in your dad’s area when you are visiting him, or someone near him who can help him with his own treatments in your stead. It can be helpful to just list out all the people who care about you and groups who may be able to lend a hand or provide an idea.
posted by Mizu at 6:34 PM on January 13 [3 favorites]
This is a lot. It is normal that you are having trouble coping.
Do you have a good deputy at work? If not, is your business large enough to support one, and is there someone who could use the chance to stretch their wings a little?
I would not have wanted to pair new motherhood with shepherding my dad through his death. Each was hard enough in its own way.
posted by eirias at 7:18 PM on January 13 [1 favorite]
Do you have a good deputy at work? If not, is your business large enough to support one, and is there someone who could use the chance to stretch their wings a little?
I would not have wanted to pair new motherhood with shepherding my dad through his death. Each was hard enough in its own way.
posted by eirias at 7:18 PM on January 13 [1 favorite]
I'm 35 and my dad is slowly dying of Parkinson's and pulmonary fibrosis while I go through IVF. I feel for you and maybe my own thought process will help you.
1. Your dad has lived his life. If he is a good father who loves you, he wants to see you succeed and attain your goals. He would not want you to put your life on hold indefinitely to take care of him. He knows you love him. Older generations naturally pass away and new generations emerge, this is just the way of life. It's sad but natural.
2. You do not have unlimited time to have children. You can be successful at business later in life, you can't have (bio) children later in life.
3. In my experience, you do have to try to put yourself out there in order to go on dates and you will probably regret it if you don't at least try hard enough to tell yourself you tried, even if it doesn't pan out. Waiting for something to fall into your lap on its own is probably not a winning strategy.
I interpreted your question as a cry for permission to put aside the demands of your family and your business in order to pursue what you're really dreaming about - family and children - and I hereby grant you that permission 100%. If that needs to be your first priority due to your age, okay. Your dad knows you love him, and you've already proved yourself in business and can return to it later.
posted by stockpuppet at 8:24 PM on January 13 [19 favorites]
1. Your dad has lived his life. If he is a good father who loves you, he wants to see you succeed and attain your goals. He would not want you to put your life on hold indefinitely to take care of him. He knows you love him. Older generations naturally pass away and new generations emerge, this is just the way of life. It's sad but natural.
2. You do not have unlimited time to have children. You can be successful at business later in life, you can't have (bio) children later in life.
3. In my experience, you do have to try to put yourself out there in order to go on dates and you will probably regret it if you don't at least try hard enough to tell yourself you tried, even if it doesn't pan out. Waiting for something to fall into your lap on its own is probably not a winning strategy.
I interpreted your question as a cry for permission to put aside the demands of your family and your business in order to pursue what you're really dreaming about - family and children - and I hereby grant you that permission 100%. If that needs to be your first priority due to your age, okay. Your dad knows you love him, and you've already proved yourself in business and can return to it later.
posted by stockpuppet at 8:24 PM on January 13 [19 favorites]
If it's important for you to have bio kids, I would put that first above all else. Either by prioritizing dating (set aside 2 nights a week to go on dates, and 1 hour a week to schedule them). Or by freezing your eggs. This all sounds super overwheming, sending you good vibes!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:37 PM on January 13 [12 favorites]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:37 PM on January 13 [12 favorites]
I’m a little bit older than you, but will say that most of the people in this age bracket that have successfully transitioned to actual relationships have *not* done it through online dating. I’m not saying it can’t be done, just saying that the time-to-relationship stuff is not necessarily on your side here, because most of the online dating sites people use aren’t really set up for people to find long term relationships. In my experience, it’s easier to tell if you “click” with someone quickly in person. Is there any hobby, social group, or volunteering you think you could regularly do one night a week that would bring you in contact with other people regularly?
posted by corb at 4:15 AM on January 14 [4 favorites]
posted by corb at 4:15 AM on January 14 [4 favorites]
If you're running a business every waking hour and don't really have any savings, it's not a successful business or at least it's not being run successfully, and if it's not leaving you enough time to even pick someone from a dating app I have bad news about how much time it takes to raise kids. In most industries that much crisis management means your processes are not designed to prevent crises, and fixing that will take several years that you don't have, and if you hadn't already done this, either it's very difficult or you're too attached to the chaos.
Use your business experience to get a salaried job with benefits and roughly a 40-hour week*, work there a year while you get your support systems rallied and in place, and get a sperm donor.
Do not rush-date and marry and procreate with the first rando who makes it over a bar that is probably going to be too low because of your urgency anyway. Even if you find someone who agrees from the jump that high-quality coparenting is more important than the outcome of your romantic relationship, that's still someone you're handing the keys to your entire life for 18+ years.
You will have time to date when the kids are in school, you'll have gotten them through the extremely high-stress years that break mediocre relationships, and you're much more likely to have your radar turned all the way to 11 to vet these dudes to see if they're even fit to know your address much less be in the same room with your kids. That'll end up being 5-7 years from now, which is about the time a hasty marriage will have taken place and fallen apart again, except your kids will be 2-3 years older at that point and not been through a divorce.
*If you're in an industry where you might be able to merge with someone else and retain a leadership position that only requires crisis management roughly 8 hours a day, okay, but that's still more likely to go south than a classic salaried job.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:18 AM on January 14 [38 favorites]
Use your business experience to get a salaried job with benefits and roughly a 40-hour week*, work there a year while you get your support systems rallied and in place, and get a sperm donor.
Do not rush-date and marry and procreate with the first rando who makes it over a bar that is probably going to be too low because of your urgency anyway. Even if you find someone who agrees from the jump that high-quality coparenting is more important than the outcome of your romantic relationship, that's still someone you're handing the keys to your entire life for 18+ years.
You will have time to date when the kids are in school, you'll have gotten them through the extremely high-stress years that break mediocre relationships, and you're much more likely to have your radar turned all the way to 11 to vet these dudes to see if they're even fit to know your address much less be in the same room with your kids. That'll end up being 5-7 years from now, which is about the time a hasty marriage will have taken place and fallen apart again, except your kids will be 2-3 years older at that point and not been through a divorce.
*If you're in an industry where you might be able to merge with someone else and retain a leadership position that only requires crisis management roughly 8 hours a day, okay, but that's still more likely to go south than a classic salaried job.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:18 AM on January 14 [38 favorites]
Sell your business if you can, and get a much less demanding job. This will give you the breathing room you need to work on everything else. Your business success is yours and will be something massive you've accomplished even if you're not running that business anymore. You don't have to do it forever.
posted by Tanya at 7:23 AM on January 14 [3 favorites]
posted by Tanya at 7:23 AM on January 14 [3 favorites]
Wow, Lyn Never’s advice is so spot on, some of the best I’ve ever read here. I completely agree with every word.
posted by HotToddy at 8:35 AM on January 14 [2 favorites]
posted by HotToddy at 8:35 AM on January 14 [2 favorites]
"Adjustment disorder" might be a helpful search term for you. Sometimes, you've just got so much going on that your very human management functions (including emotions, thought processes, sleep cycles, eating habits, etc.) have a hard time keeping up. Therapy can help you look at these experiences in ways that your human management functions might struggle with right now. I've been there.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 7:51 AM on January 15
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 7:51 AM on January 15
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First, if you need a stranger's permission, you have mine to cut back on anything non-essential so you can focus on the important things and give yourself some breathing room. Hire out help (if you can) and/or enlist friends for whatever you can. Continue to take care of yourself (therapy, working out, eating well, sleep): that will make dealing with the rest easier.
I'm (finally? hopefully?) coming out of a rough patch myself, and am almost done with this book, Burnout: The Secret of Unlocking the Stress Cycle, which I found thanks to someone linking to a podcast featuring the authors here on Ask. (I'll pop back in with a link to that post if I can find it again.) It echoed a lot of what my therapist has been working with me about re: paying attention to embodied stress, physically processing emotions, and provides a few worksheets and activities throughout. I'm already finding the substance really helpful.
All the best! We'll be rooting for you.
posted by smirkette at 5:14 PM on January 13 [3 favorites]