love is patient, love is... persistent?
January 15, 2024 11:25 AM Subscribe
I am looking for true stories of successful heterosexual romantic relationships that arose as a result of the woman being persistent in her interest and affection towards a reluctant man over a long period of time, and eventually "winning him over." (I know there are many experiences along these lines that have an unhappy ending, and not looking for those.) Where can I find or ask about such instances?
I am only interested in true stories from real people, not fictional examples of any kind. Thank you!
I am only interested in true stories from real people, not fictional examples of any kind. Thank you!
I mean, if you want personal anecdotes, this describes me and my husband. I guess I can give you more details in PM if you'd like?
posted by dpx.mfx at 11:40 AM on January 15 [1 favorite]
posted by dpx.mfx at 11:40 AM on January 15 [1 favorite]
If I got the story correct, my younger uncle was pursued by my aunt for two years before he finally married her. RIP, aunt.
posted by kschang at 11:44 AM on January 15
posted by kschang at 11:44 AM on January 15
Olivia Coleman on how she successfully stalked her husband.
posted by Capt. Renault at 12:07 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]
posted by Capt. Renault at 12:07 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]
One of my friends has a sister who lied about a pregnancy in order to coerce her boyfriend into marrying her. They're still together and joke about it.
posted by alex1965 at 2:00 PM on January 15
posted by alex1965 at 2:00 PM on January 15
Me as well. She persisted. 33 years now.
posted by Windopaene at 2:05 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]
posted by Windopaene at 2:05 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]
I can tell you the story of a very good friend of mine and his now wife. They are the exception, truly. None of us thought things would end up where they are now, and the risk she took with her heart in how she handled this relationship was enormous.
They met online, during a period of frenzied, almost compulsive, dating on the part of my friend. He liked her, and kept seeing her, but despite genuinely wanting a long term relationship, there was always something Not Quite Right about her. Yet he couldn't stop seeing her, and did come to love her. And yet. Always and yet. He would agonize to his close friends about this And Yet feeling. And we would usually tell him that means he should end it, because she's a wonderful human and deserves someone who's all in. He would agree, not be able to do it, and then wallow in his own sense of Terribleness. It was self indulgent and, as I said, she did not deserve it.
For her part, she stood strong, she held on to the relationship, and refused to end it for him. He was fairly honest with her about his feelings, and in return, she told him she would respect his decision if he decided to break up, but she believed deeply that they made a very good pair, and that they were better together than apart, and that they should build a life together.
This went on for SO MANY YEARS. Years that were extremely important to her, as she wanted to be a parent. They finally married in 2020, and had their child (after lots of excruciating fertility treatments) a little over a year ago. They're in their MID 40s now. It really came very close to being a wash for her.
The happy ending of this story is not that she managed to wrangle him into marriage and having a child he was always deeply ambivalent about. The happy ending is that, through all of this, they were both honest and vulnerable with each other, and never stopped slogging through all of the hard shit together. He never actually left, even in the emotional/psychological sense. They have built one of the strongest, deeply loving relationships I know. They both (and especially my friend, as he had more work to do) worked very hard at investigating internal patterns and systems, and actually managed to do the hard, endless, work of changing those things. He will always need to keep doing that work. They know each other better than people who have been together 3 times as long, and they genuinely love each other for who they are. My friend is finally settled into his choices and as at peace with the possibilities he had to give up as I think he is constitutionally able to be.
Honestly, I don't think anyone close to either one of them really thought they'd get to this point. She risked her ability to ever be a parent for this relationship, and it was a risk I'd never have taken. I don't know her as well as I know my friend, but I imagine all the pain she's been through to keep this relationship is something that will never quite go away, even if the relationship is solid and fulfilling now.
posted by JuliaIglesias at 2:15 PM on January 15 [12 favorites]
They met online, during a period of frenzied, almost compulsive, dating on the part of my friend. He liked her, and kept seeing her, but despite genuinely wanting a long term relationship, there was always something Not Quite Right about her. Yet he couldn't stop seeing her, and did come to love her. And yet. Always and yet. He would agonize to his close friends about this And Yet feeling. And we would usually tell him that means he should end it, because she's a wonderful human and deserves someone who's all in. He would agree, not be able to do it, and then wallow in his own sense of Terribleness. It was self indulgent and, as I said, she did not deserve it.
For her part, she stood strong, she held on to the relationship, and refused to end it for him. He was fairly honest with her about his feelings, and in return, she told him she would respect his decision if he decided to break up, but she believed deeply that they made a very good pair, and that they were better together than apart, and that they should build a life together.
This went on for SO MANY YEARS. Years that were extremely important to her, as she wanted to be a parent. They finally married in 2020, and had their child (after lots of excruciating fertility treatments) a little over a year ago. They're in their MID 40s now. It really came very close to being a wash for her.
The happy ending of this story is not that she managed to wrangle him into marriage and having a child he was always deeply ambivalent about. The happy ending is that, through all of this, they were both honest and vulnerable with each other, and never stopped slogging through all of the hard shit together. He never actually left, even in the emotional/psychological sense. They have built one of the strongest, deeply loving relationships I know. They both (and especially my friend, as he had more work to do) worked very hard at investigating internal patterns and systems, and actually managed to do the hard, endless, work of changing those things. He will always need to keep doing that work. They know each other better than people who have been together 3 times as long, and they genuinely love each other for who they are. My friend is finally settled into his choices and as at peace with the possibilities he had to give up as I think he is constitutionally able to be.
Honestly, I don't think anyone close to either one of them really thought they'd get to this point. She risked her ability to ever be a parent for this relationship, and it was a risk I'd never have taken. I don't know her as well as I know my friend, but I imagine all the pain she's been through to keep this relationship is something that will never quite go away, even if the relationship is solid and fulfilling now.
posted by JuliaIglesias at 2:15 PM on January 15 [12 favorites]
I know an older couple where she was "all in" for years and he just wasn't that into her. He liked her and all but wasn't in love. He married someone else for a while (his second marriage) and when that didn't work out she came back around and I think he rebounded with her. Eventually she moved in with him (he never asked her, she just gradually started staying at his place more and more and eventually rented out her house... lol.) She would have liked to have gotten married but he decided he was done with that nonsense. But they've been together over 30 years now, and recently bought burial plots side-by-side.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:00 PM on January 15 [2 favorites]
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:00 PM on January 15 [2 favorites]
I was married for 22 years. I ended that marriage. Dated for a while, as a 40 year old woman. Decided I wanted a great passion in my life, and, via contacting a mutual acquaintance I called the guy I had a tremendous crush on when I was 14. I asked him out to dinner. We just celebrated our 24th anniversary of that dinner date.
(During the catching up on all the years apart we discovered that we had been in the same place at the same time on numerous occasions.)
posted by LaBellaStella at 5:07 PM on January 15 [7 favorites]
(During the catching up on all the years apart we discovered that we had been in the same place at the same time on numerous occasions.)
posted by LaBellaStella at 5:07 PM on January 15 [7 favorites]
I will leave out my personal commentary on how I tried back in the day and instead leave you with David and Georgia Tennant as a couple where she had to take the lead and it has very happily worked out with large numbers of children.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:59 PM on January 15
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:59 PM on January 15
"Charles and Camilla's happily-ever-after finally arrives."
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:06 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:06 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]
I did this; PM me for details, it was very hard and made me absolutely terrified.
The thing that helps, I think, is men are more prone than women to what I will call “accessory dating” - they often, as a result of socialization, date someone as a signifier of the life they’d like to lead, rather than dating someone they like and letting it lead them to the life they want to have. So being persistently there, persistently the same, persistently devoted has real value - as does, if you feel like it, showing them a window into the life they *could* lead with you.
posted by corb at 3:56 AM on January 16 [2 favorites]
The thing that helps, I think, is men are more prone than women to what I will call “accessory dating” - they often, as a result of socialization, date someone as a signifier of the life they’d like to lead, rather than dating someone they like and letting it lead them to the life they want to have. So being persistently there, persistently the same, persistently devoted has real value - as does, if you feel like it, showing them a window into the life they *could* lead with you.
posted by corb at 3:56 AM on January 16 [2 favorites]
Mod note: A few comments removed. Please stick to citing actual examples of what the OP is asking for, thank you!
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 7:04 AM on January 16
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 7:04 AM on January 16
A good friend told me how she doggedly pursued her (now) husband for several years until he finally figured out what was happening. He's kind of a nerdy intellectual and was simply oblivious to her intensions. They've been happily married for almost 30 years and have two great adult children. From everything I can tell, he's very happy being married to my beautiful, outgoing, kind friend, and she's happy, too. She set her sights on him and didn't give up. It worked out very well for both of them.
posted by Dolley at 9:37 AM on January 16 [1 favorite]
posted by Dolley at 9:37 AM on January 16 [1 favorite]
my partner and i have been together for almost 10 years. we have known each other for about 30. i was sooooooo into him in high school and college but he just either didn't like me or was straight up too oblivious to see my signals. we were friends who hung out all the time, but never more. i honestly think he just didn't like me because i told him a couple of times "hey, i like you." which hurts to say.
we drifted apart. i moved across country and entered another relationship. we emailed or facebooked maybe once a year. that relationship ended, i moved back home, and one day sent him a text saying i was driving thru his area and did he want to get a meal. he said yes, a few weeks later we were dating, a few months later i moved to his town, and now almost a decade on we are like stupidly happy together. i am so happy i sent him that text.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 10:28 AM on January 16 [4 favorites]
we drifted apart. i moved across country and entered another relationship. we emailed or facebooked maybe once a year. that relationship ended, i moved back home, and one day sent him a text saying i was driving thru his area and did he want to get a meal. he said yes, a few weeks later we were dating, a few months later i moved to his town, and now almost a decade on we are like stupidly happy together. i am so happy i sent him that text.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 10:28 AM on January 16 [4 favorites]
There's Nick Viall from The Bachelor and his fiancee Natalie Joy who's currently pregnant with their first. https://www.buzzfeed.com/morganmurrell/former-bachelor-nick-viall-natalie-joy-talk-age-gap She first slid into his DMs claiming to not know who he was (???).
They also did an interview on the Dear Shandy podcast if you wanna learn more about their relationship. Haven't listened, cuz I'm too creeped out by their age difference but judging from people's comments on Reddit, people have a lot of opinions. https://youtu.be/1_Hj8xuQkD8?si=OdwnZbmB6NzISO-Y
posted by foxjacket at 7:16 PM on January 17
They also did an interview on the Dear Shandy podcast if you wanna learn more about their relationship. Haven't listened, cuz I'm too creeped out by their age difference but judging from people's comments on Reddit, people have a lot of opinions. https://youtu.be/1_Hj8xuQkD8?si=OdwnZbmB6NzISO-Y
posted by foxjacket at 7:16 PM on January 17
« Older Help me find a vegetable broth I actually like. | Can somebody help me out with understanding the... Newer »
You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments
If that meets your definition of a successful relationship, you can probably find more out there.
posted by rpfields at 11:37 AM on January 15 [1 favorite]