Hacks for maintaining friendships and family bonds

November 9, 2023 1:30 PM

I've always been terrible at maintaining friendships and relationships with extended family. I have no trouble in person, or concrete things like birthday wishes, but I struggle with initiating calls/messages, and sometimes even responding in a timely way. It low-key stresses me out to begin an interpersonal interaction, so I avoid it (even though I like all these people). Looking for hacks to help me get better -- anything from apps to stickies to daily routines.
posted by redlines to Human Relations (8 answers total)

Im a guy who is much better with friends virtually than in person tbh.

I just text them. Some interesting link you got that’s funny or interesting? Txt them. Picture that reminds you of them?

I usually add a mutual close friend. This is low stakes. I rarely catch up, just remember that there there.
posted by sandmanwv at 1:45 PM on November 9, 2023 [2 favorites]

Just send them things you think they'd think are funny, interesting or remind you of them.

Just in the past few minutes, I sent one friend the note I saw my state's version of his highly specific, highly nerdy personalized license plate (and now he must clearly fight this person) and to another friend, a link to an article about Bruce Dickinson starring in a movie called Bjorn of the Dead. Just two random things that reminded me of these two people I know.

Another friend sent me an Instagam Reel the other day about how making soup is like witchcraft because she knew I'd think it was funny (and kind of true).

I have friends with varying schedules and who live in a variety of places so I don't ever expect a quick response or anything and I also know it's the same on their ends. Some things don't require a response.

I am also very generous with my social media likes. Friend doing something cool that may not warrant a comment -- that gets a like!

I absolutely know this can feel sort of vulnerable but you don't need to overthink it. As long as you're not bombarding people with messages, you're good.
posted by edencosmic at 2:10 PM on November 9, 2023 [3 favorites]

My family is spread out all over the world and if I don't think about it I'll go months or even years with only birthday wishes and the occasional forwarded meme. The cure has been scheduled video calls -- once every three months or so I have one on one calls with the members of my family that I like to catch up with. The exception there is my parents, with whom I have a weekly call.

My father has monthly group calls with his six siblings, something that doesn't particularly appeal to me but works for them.

In any case the scheduling is the important part. We usually hash out a date at the end of a call or in email shortly thereafter. If we don't then things don't happen.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:19 PM on November 9, 2023 [2 favorites]

90% of my texts to my BFF consist of Star Trek memes.

8% you won’t believe what just happened to me…

2% sup yo
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:25 PM on November 9, 2023 [2 favorites]

For a while I had a list of people that I wanted to stay in touch in my reminder app so when I thought about reaching out, i could look at the list and pick who was next. Once I checked them off, they would disappear until x weeks later. Key thing was not to feel guilty if it took me a while (months) to do anything and not feel like I had to follow any particular order. After all, nothing to keep the from reaching to me in the meanwhile if they wanted more contact. So I was able to use the list but stay pretty guilt free.

What "reaching out" looks like is going to vary. In my case, it is a text saying "thinking of you - do you want to schedule a time to talk?" or if local, I might suggest meeting up for a cup of coffee. Most people suggest a time within the next day or two for a call, in the next week or two for a meetup.
posted by metahawk at 2:49 PM on November 9, 2023 [8 favorites]

I have a Google sheet of my relationships. I list each person's name, and then I have a column for the most recent time I interacted with them, and then columns for what that channel was (in person, text, phone call, email, etc.). I don't plan or schedule things using the list, but I'll look at it and notice who I haven't been in touch with for a while, and I'll ping them and update the spreadsheet when/if/how they reply.

Over time, I notice who "floats the top" so to speak -- who I interact with the most. That doesn't mean the other people don't matter -- but it helps me to see who I might be drifting away from, and whether that's ok with me or not. In other words, I check in with myself and ask if we are interacting less or drifting apart on purpose or accidentally, and then I have the opportunity to try to reconnect or redirect or let whatever is happening continue to happen.

This is clinical and dry and takes some of the ineffable out of relationships. That is completely fine with me.
posted by OrangeDisk at 5:37 PM on November 9, 2023 [10 favorites]

If anyone tells me about something coming up, like a job interview or a doctor's appointment or a date, I mark my calendar to ask them about it or wish them luck on the day of.

Weekly, I scan my texts to see if there's anyone I didn't reply to or haven't talked to lately.

Group texts can be great (and efficient) if some of your relationships fall into a natural group of people who all know each other.
posted by metasarah at 4:39 AM on November 10, 2023 [5 favorites]

I have a drawer in my dining room hutch that is chock full of Dollar Tree two-for-a-dollar greeting cards for every circumstance you could possibly imagine. Like, a few times a year I wander up and down the greeting card aisle and just pick a bunch of stuff.

Condolences, congratulations, get well, thinking of you, new baby, birthday, wedding, anniversary, holidays, just because, blank, thank you, etc.

Plus the drawer has pens, envelopes and lots of stamps.

If I get news about someone I care about, or I just want to say hi, I fish a card out of the drawer and fire it off. My husband does the same.
posted by champers at 3:44 AM on November 11, 2023 [2 favorites]