Book & Resource Recommendations: ADHD Edition

December 14, 2023 5:12 AM

I have ADHD. I am married. I've read a lot of books, articles, forums, etc on ADHD and marriage, but none seem to address the question that I think is most impacting my relationship. I'm looking for "you're not getting dopamine anymore, now what?" and maybe "everything your partner does is grating (because you focus on all the wrong things)" and "your terrible memory means you can't remember what was good about this at the beginning" etc. From conversations, these seem to be common experiences, but I'm not finding resources that talk about how to address them. Point me in the right direction?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (4 answers total)

I believe you are applying the lens of ADHD onto a relationship, when ADHD is usually more about paying attention. I'd recommend separating the concepts in your mind. Work on learning new skills - how can you improve the skill of listening? How can you improve the skill of thoughtful gifts? How are you at managing your emotional regulation and being resilient (even when you're hungry?)?
posted by bbqturtle at 6:22 AM on December 14, 2023 [3 favorites]

There's The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD which is meant for both partners in a relationship to work together to build (and rebuild) a positive relationship that works with the realities of ADHD. There are worksheets in that book for the couple to work through to address their particular pitfalls.
posted by urbanlenny at 7:37 AM on December 14, 2023 [4 favorites]

It might not be only the ADHD if you’re that annoyed by everything but okay: read about cultivating novelty in long term relationships and the challenges of not having it. I haven’t read it, but Mating in Captivity seems relevant.

One key thing is to do new things with our partners, to have some novelty in the relationship, because the person themself isn’t novel anymore. Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:14 AM on December 14, 2023

If you have it in you to watch YouTube videos, the channel How To ADHD has some good resources.
- ADHD and Relationships: Let's Be Honest (all about boredom, inattention, and dopamine-seeking in a relationship)
- Making Relationships Work: The Unique Challenge ADHD and Autism Create
- ADHD and Autism Relationship Accommodations - How to Get Your Needs Met
- and a whole playlist of other videos about dealing with ADHD in the context of relationships
posted by ourobouros at 10:28 AM on December 14, 2023 [6 favorites]