Help Me Not Use My Partner's ADD As A Crutch.
June 14, 2014 10:15 AM Subscribe
My partner, who I love dearly, has Adult ADD, which means, among many symptoms, he gets "stuck" at work and has trouble transitioning out of work projects. If he is particularly engaged in work this means he does not come home until 10 p.m. or later. Sometimes he pulls all-nighters at the office.
Spouses of ADD partners, how do you create your own routine in the midst of disarray? I don't want to assume he will fail -- i.e. not expect him home until after 11 p.m. -- but frequently that is what he does. It feels cold-hearted to assume I will be spending the evening alone, but if I am to make my own healthy habits, it seems I must make them solo. How do I create healthy habits in the midst of uncertainty? I want to encourage him to come home and spend time with me, but I'm aware that counting on him to be home and participate in shared activities sets me up to fail. Help me, hivemind (and any stories of thriving with an ADD spouse would be much, much appreciated!!).
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (9 answers total) 27 users marked this as a favorite
He acknowledges that this is unhealthy, is in therapy and is working to have healthy habits. However, my question is about my own reactions to this. I am trying to form healthy habits for myself but typically we make plans to do something together after working hours (exercise, make dinner, work on shared projects) and I wait for him to join me in doing those healthy habits. When he doesn't come home I use that as an excuse to just go all out (order pizza, sit on the couch) because I am "waiting for him to come home." After all, he's probably going to come home in 5 minutes, right? Or 10 minutes? Or 15 minutes? If I call him, he is "just about to leave." So I wait. (Meanwhile, he finally slumps home at midnight, apologizing for how he got stuck in a project.)
Thanks in advance.