Should I revive a dying friendship?

February 16, 2023 8:31 AM

I’ve always been that background friend in this group of girls, and the last fallout with one of them 2 years ago, has affected me the most. We had done things that betrayed each others trust. I've struggled so much in the past 2 years feeling guilty and trying to make amends, that I realise I haven't given myself enough time to move on from my friend's actions.

Two years ago, we had started getting closer, as we connected over our break ups happening at the same time (our ex’s were also our mutual friends). I started getting more invites to smaller, more exclusive hangouts, and started to reconnect with the group too.

The thing is, she needed a housemate, and asked my ex to move in just with her, and he agreed. She only asked me after if this was okay. This upset me, but at that point, I felt it was not my place to say anything. Now I regret this.

I think it influenced my next actions. I have been good friends with her ex for a long time, and one day he eventually hit on me, but I rejected him. She found out and was upset at me for putting myself in that situation. Well, I was upset at her for putting herself in that situation everyday, but I thought saying this would not help things. Again, I regret this.

My ex and I eventually got back together, and are still together. Which led her and I to start becoming a bit more friendly. We started hanging a bit more as groups. I feel like things are warmer, but there's still some sort of barrier. I invited her to yoga, and she ended up bringing a friend. I was hoping we could have a one on one.

I’m wondering if it is worth actually asking her to have a one on one dinner. But to be honest, I’m not sure if I have moved on from what happened. I spent all this time being upset at myself for my mistake of hanging with her ex. That I realised I have not gotten over her inviting my boyfriend to move in with her. Even though it sort of brought him and I back together. If I do revive my friendship with her, I don’t know if it can be as good as what it was, with her or with the group.

I know I need to either make a change, or just let it go and move on with my life.

Please be kind with your replies.

Thank you

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (3 answers total)

No matter what you decide in terms of friendship, you should let this go. You did nothing wrong - it's not your fault her ex hit on you! It sounds like you decisively shut that down, which is all you could do in that situation. Unless there is something that you aren't telling us, the fact that she blames you for his actions suggests immaturity on her part. But also, she did nothing wrong - she was friends with your (then) ex independently of you (it sounds), she needed a housemate, she asked him (her friend) if he would be interested - there is nothing inherently sexual or malicious about that. I can understand why you wanted to be consulted first - but this seems mainly just a bit thoughtless on her part.

So, I'd let the past be in the past here. I'd make whatever decision you make based on the here and now. Do you really enjoy spending time with her and conversation is easy? In an ideal world, would you be closer friends with her? Or do you find her hard to read, to be hot/cold with you, etc.? If the latter, I'd just keep up the group hangouts - perhaps a closer friendship will one day develop, but I wouldn't push it given that it sounds like you're both a bit cagey with each other.
posted by coffeecat at 8:49 AM on February 16, 2023 [4 favorites]

She was wrong for getting angry at you for her ex's behavior. Of course you have no control over that and it is unreasonable to get upset at someone for something they have no control over. And it is perfectly reasonable to think you can be in a person's presence without them hitting on you. I am assuming that you were hit on by him while they were in a relationship. If he hit on you after he was an ex, she has even less place to say anything about that. People don't own their ex's.

In a similar vein, he was your ex when he moved in with her. Once you break up you don't have a "right" to have a say or get upset about things he does with other people.

I think you both were a little in the wrong here. If your relationship prior to this was good, then maybe recognize her error is also your error and forgive. If it was always rocky or dramatic, drop it.
posted by Saucywench at 9:36 AM on February 16, 2023 [1 favorite]

Are you by any chance pretty young, like did any of this overlap with college or being 19/20/21/22ish? If so, chalk this whole mishegas up to vague immaturity, the kind of thing you do when you're that age but not after, and for good reason. Take this as an opportunity to learn to kinda....mind your own business! In a good way! Everybody take care of themselves here, and let things unfold as they may, approaching the next chapter with patience and grace. You don't have to decide RIGHT NOW what the ULTIMATE FUTURE is for this WHOLE FRIEND GROUP. Just chill! Take things on a case-by-case basis, and realize that no matter WHAT happened among all of you, there's no way for things to be as they once were, because things change. Maybe you will grow closer, maybe you will drift, maybe those will both happen over decades, etc.

I encourage you to let this go and to let go of this kind of score-keeping friendship-chess stuff in general.
posted by Charity Garfein at 11:57 AM on February 16, 2023 [5 favorites]