How do I get the social part of social media?
September 7, 2022 6:54 AM Subscribe
What ways have you found to use social media to actually build deeper connections with your friends?
As a millennial, I have been on facebook for a long time. Once the news feed was added in 2006 and then subsequently became a jumble of likes and advertisements, I started to get less out of it. I unfollowed everyone for my newsfeed so now I know the feed is entirely ads and I don't end up mindlessly scrolling, but I also feel markedly less connected to people. I rarely post any more and many of my friends have similarly stepped back on that platform.
Although I have a twitter account and and instagram account in order to see an occasional post, I don't use them for social purposes. I don't have tiktok.
I want to be able to stay up to date on what's going on in people's lives. At the same time, I don't want to get stuck in scrolling and look up and realize I've lost a half hour of my life.
Have you found a way to optimize your social media use for deeper connection to people you know, or do I just have to accept that social media has moved beyond that as an aspiration?
If you've given up on social media, what ways have you kept your social ties active in a way that adequately builds your sense of belonging and connection?
As a millennial, I have been on facebook for a long time. Once the news feed was added in 2006 and then subsequently became a jumble of likes and advertisements, I started to get less out of it. I unfollowed everyone for my newsfeed so now I know the feed is entirely ads and I don't end up mindlessly scrolling, but I also feel markedly less connected to people. I rarely post any more and many of my friends have similarly stepped back on that platform.
Although I have a twitter account and and instagram account in order to see an occasional post, I don't use them for social purposes. I don't have tiktok.
I want to be able to stay up to date on what's going on in people's lives. At the same time, I don't want to get stuck in scrolling and look up and realize I've lost a half hour of my life.
Have you found a way to optimize your social media use for deeper connection to people you know, or do I just have to accept that social media has moved beyond that as an aspiration?
If you've given up on social media, what ways have you kept your social ties active in a way that adequately builds your sense of belonging and connection?
Yeah, the smaller the better in my experience. Make a Slack or a Discord. Build your own messaging app. Join a new app when everyone else joins it and then just perversely keep using it even as it slowly falls apart and turns into a joke about failed apps for 99% of the people who've ever heard of it. (That last one worked beautifully for me but it's hard to replicate on cue.)
posted by babelfish at 7:29 AM on September 7, 2022
posted by babelfish at 7:29 AM on September 7, 2022
I find social media most effective for meeting and befriending interesting strangers. Like other people here, 1:1 or small groups tend to be better for keeping in touch with friends.
I think the problem with using social media for people you know is that everyone is on different platforms and uses social media in different ways, so you almost certainly will have friends you want to keep in touch with who use social media in a way that is incompatible with how you want to use social media. This is just the reality of the current world, I think — if your priority is keeping in touch with friends, start from that, and then only use social media if there are friends who you want to be in touch with who have their lives set up such that you feel good about interacting with them there.
posted by wesleyac at 7:43 AM on September 7, 2022
I think the problem with using social media for people you know is that everyone is on different platforms and uses social media in different ways, so you almost certainly will have friends you want to keep in touch with who use social media in a way that is incompatible with how you want to use social media. This is just the reality of the current world, I think — if your priority is keeping in touch with friends, start from that, and then only use social media if there are friends who you want to be in touch with who have their lives set up such that you feel good about interacting with them there.
posted by wesleyac at 7:43 AM on September 7, 2022
I'm in a few instagram chat groups with friends, and it's a way more intimate and effective way of keeping in touch. It's also not broadcast to the public - we have a rule of no sharing outside the chat. So, we can be much more honest. I feel like I'm much closer friends with the people in these groups than I would be if I was just seeing baby photos or restaurant meals.
posted by Furnace of Doubt at 8:05 AM on September 7, 2022
posted by Furnace of Doubt at 8:05 AM on September 7, 2022
Among my millennial and genx friends, facebook is for the big announcements (we bought a house! I transitioned! we're moving to ohio!) and posting nice but random photos (here we are at the fair! here we are at disney! here's the first day of school for the kids!), with a smattering of invitations to things (come to our labor day cookout! surprise birthday party for devon!)
Discord is where the day-to-day conversations and chat happen, with the benefit that it is a) private (we know who is there and who isn't) and b) chronological. You can also have various channels in the discord so the cooking people can talk about cooking and the sports people can talk about sports and the OMG SPOILERS people don't have to see us endlessly discuss Mandalorian plot points.
posted by anastasiav at 9:12 AM on September 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
Discord is where the day-to-day conversations and chat happen, with the benefit that it is a) private (we know who is there and who isn't) and b) chronological. You can also have various channels in the discord so the cooking people can talk about cooking and the sports people can talk about sports and the OMG SPOILERS people don't have to see us endlessly discuss Mandalorian plot points.
posted by anastasiav at 9:12 AM on September 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
I like to use social media as a springboard for 1:1 conversations -- if you see that a friend or relative posted a life update, instead of just liking/commenting on it publicly and scrolling onward, it can be much more rewarding to offer your congrats or commentary via the messenger feature and strike up a conversation to catch up.
Similarly, if I see a funny meme or something I will often message it directly to a friend I think would appreciate it rather than just reblogging it into the void.
posted by space snail at 12:17 PM on September 7, 2022
Similarly, if I see a funny meme or something I will often message it directly to a friend I think would appreciate it rather than just reblogging it into the void.
posted by space snail at 12:17 PM on September 7, 2022
Elder millenial here! I like to use direct messaging on social media to share silly little things or "this made my think of you" things with my friends. I use Instagram pretty heavily but mostly as a meme-forwarding tool using DMs. I do still post photos and videos from time to time on my public page, and so do my friends, but that doesn't really feel as intimate or connected. It's the DM feature that makes it social for me.
posted by assenav at 12:58 PM on September 7, 2022
posted by assenav at 12:58 PM on September 7, 2022
I'm in my mid-40's, live 1,800 miles away from where I grew up, and use Facebook daily to keep up with friends and family.
Since I'm friends with many conservatives and many liberals, one of my favorite things to do is to post a news article about a current topic and encourage people to discuss it. I try to make sure everyone stays civil, and enjoy seeing all points of view on a given topic.
The people who interact with those posts show up in my feed more, so I get to see their random pics and posts, which is also nice.
But I think I'm an anomaly.
posted by tacodave at 5:31 PM on September 7, 2022
Since I'm friends with many conservatives and many liberals, one of my favorite things to do is to post a news article about a current topic and encourage people to discuss it. I try to make sure everyone stays civil, and enjoy seeing all points of view on a given topic.
The people who interact with those posts show up in my feed more, so I get to see their random pics and posts, which is also nice.
But I think I'm an anomaly.
posted by tacodave at 5:31 PM on September 7, 2022
I find both Twitter and Discord work well for this. Though I'm not sure it's possible to use Twitter well both for actual connection with friends and for keeping up with news/celebrities/events etc. Maybe with some ruthlessly curated lists. Me, I just follow only friends, or friends of friends if they seem interesting, and I chat with people about their lives. Discord is for the more private stuff, and works beautifully, but does feel more fragmented since not everyone I like is in the same Discord servers.
posted by Stacey at 6:00 PM on September 7, 2022
posted by Stacey at 6:00 PM on September 7, 2022
The first thing you need to do is make an account your boss or whoever won't link to you, so you can be perfectly honest, instead of being trapped only posting stuff that reflects well on you.
Then talk the way you would to a trusted friend. I have one friend who posts about six times a day, a paragraph or two about how her day is going and what is worrying her and what she managed to do and what she is trying to do, and how her cats are doing. And it is interesting because it is very human, and is an ongoing saga. It's short so I never glaze over. She states what is going on, rather than complaining. E.g. "Too sick to do the cat pans tonight, guess I'd better get them done first thing in the morning." And then the next day I hear something like, "Got two of the cat pans done but not the third and was too late to get breakfast before I logged in to work." and later in the day, "Ran out on my morning break and grabbed some oranges and and a croissant. I still need protein, but that will do until I can get something better on my lunch break."
This really builds intimacy. I have a picture of her life and what she is doing and how she is managing it and I can chime in with my own comments about my own badly overdue breakfast if I feel like it, or just show her some sympathy or admiration.
I have another friend who has assigned herself photography goals - she goes for a daily walk and takes a photograph of something that matches her goal and posts it. One week it was colours. Something red on Monday, something green on Tuesday, and so on. Another week she featured animals, and another week it was doorways. It's not exciting, but whose life is exciting? I can see her neighbourhood and I know how she is doing. She has asked for suggestions of what to photograph, so I got to make suggestions. She talked about how disappointed she was when she had to decline a volunteer position because she wouldn't have the energy to do it properly, and she talks about how much she loves her family and her library. It's not boring because it's just a brief snippet of reality, the kind of things you know and learn when you are close to someone. It makes it feel like we still live in the same neighbourhood and have a chance to chat in passing during our daily routines.
Similarly, you can build connections by asking questions to everyone who reads your feed, "Has anyone else ever been grossed out by something they dreamed? I had a really weird dream this morning about my mother and spaghetti. I actually felt queasy when I woke up. Anything like that every happen to you?"
And when you look at your friends' and your family's feed, ask questions. "How did the cat make out at the vet?" It's public so other people that follow your friend will find out and might join into the conversation. "What happened to the cat??!" "Oh, he was drooling, and not eating so I took a look in his mouth and I think he has teeth that need work..."
It's just a matter of making a little effort, the way you do when you check in with people. If you are not passive and you use your words and maybe some pictures, you'll connect.
Avoid memes because often they social tribal markers. If you post memes from a Netflix show, you exclude everyone who didn't see the show. Memes are usually like saying "Amen" or giving a thumbs up. They are so superficial they usually act as a way of creating distance. Not that you can't post them, or cute stuff that other people have created, but memes are designed to elicit agreement, which isn't the same as connection.
Think about the type of community you want to be a part of and go ahead and act like it already is that type of community. Be open and friendly and supportive. Check for updates and if there isn't any, ask what is happening. Don't ask "How are you?" but ask specific things, "Did you ever manage to find the lost library book?" or "How are the kids getting to school?" or "Is anyone else doing nanomowrite?" or "What the heck was the name of the corner store where we used to get candy on Ste. Catherine Street? Do you remember?"
posted by Jane the Brown at 10:40 PM on September 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
Then talk the way you would to a trusted friend. I have one friend who posts about six times a day, a paragraph or two about how her day is going and what is worrying her and what she managed to do and what she is trying to do, and how her cats are doing. And it is interesting because it is very human, and is an ongoing saga. It's short so I never glaze over. She states what is going on, rather than complaining. E.g. "Too sick to do the cat pans tonight, guess I'd better get them done first thing in the morning." And then the next day I hear something like, "Got two of the cat pans done but not the third and was too late to get breakfast before I logged in to work." and later in the day, "Ran out on my morning break and grabbed some oranges and and a croissant. I still need protein, but that will do until I can get something better on my lunch break."
This really builds intimacy. I have a picture of her life and what she is doing and how she is managing it and I can chime in with my own comments about my own badly overdue breakfast if I feel like it, or just show her some sympathy or admiration.
I have another friend who has assigned herself photography goals - she goes for a daily walk and takes a photograph of something that matches her goal and posts it. One week it was colours. Something red on Monday, something green on Tuesday, and so on. Another week she featured animals, and another week it was doorways. It's not exciting, but whose life is exciting? I can see her neighbourhood and I know how she is doing. She has asked for suggestions of what to photograph, so I got to make suggestions. She talked about how disappointed she was when she had to decline a volunteer position because she wouldn't have the energy to do it properly, and she talks about how much she loves her family and her library. It's not boring because it's just a brief snippet of reality, the kind of things you know and learn when you are close to someone. It makes it feel like we still live in the same neighbourhood and have a chance to chat in passing during our daily routines.
Similarly, you can build connections by asking questions to everyone who reads your feed, "Has anyone else ever been grossed out by something they dreamed? I had a really weird dream this morning about my mother and spaghetti. I actually felt queasy when I woke up. Anything like that every happen to you?"
And when you look at your friends' and your family's feed, ask questions. "How did the cat make out at the vet?" It's public so other people that follow your friend will find out and might join into the conversation. "What happened to the cat??!" "Oh, he was drooling, and not eating so I took a look in his mouth and I think he has teeth that need work..."
It's just a matter of making a little effort, the way you do when you check in with people. If you are not passive and you use your words and maybe some pictures, you'll connect.
Avoid memes because often they social tribal markers. If you post memes from a Netflix show, you exclude everyone who didn't see the show. Memes are usually like saying "Amen" or giving a thumbs up. They are so superficial they usually act as a way of creating distance. Not that you can't post them, or cute stuff that other people have created, but memes are designed to elicit agreement, which isn't the same as connection.
Think about the type of community you want to be a part of and go ahead and act like it already is that type of community. Be open and friendly and supportive. Check for updates and if there isn't any, ask what is happening. Don't ask "How are you?" but ask specific things, "Did you ever manage to find the lost library book?" or "How are the kids getting to school?" or "Is anyone else doing nanomowrite?" or "What the heck was the name of the corner store where we used to get candy on Ste. Catherine Street? Do you remember?"
posted by Jane the Brown at 10:40 PM on September 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I get less ambient awareness of what other people are screaming into the void, and chat with a smaller circle of people than however many hundreds of Facebook “friends” I accumulated when everyone from school was friending each other, but the interactions I get are, I feel, more meaningful to me.
posted by Alterscape at 7:06 AM on September 7, 2022