How do I stop being jealous + intimidated by others' social life?
September 1, 2022 5:53 PM Subscribe
I'm struggling with a long legacy of social anxiety/isolation and in trying to get myself out there more I keep feeling like I'm stuck between wanting connection and being intimidated by social situations. It's hurting me a lot and I would appreciate hearing other people's experiences in this realm.
For pretty much as long as I remember I've been desperate to connect with people over stuff I care about and be part of a social group that felt like a community. Due to a number of reasons, including migrating as a kid, moving cities for uni, social anxiety, COVID and chronic fatigue, I've never really had the social group, and only in the last two years have had some growing meaningful connections. I have a handful of good individual connections but I still don't really get invited to very many parties or have a group of friends I can invite for a games night or whatever.
Although I stay fairly busy, most social interactions that aren't one-on-one leave me feeling like I haven't 'performed' very well or made a good enough connection - I'm not super good at talking in groups (due to lack of experience lol) and although I think I'm pretty fun and interesting one-on-one, group social dynamics and parties make me feel like I'm a dull idiot. I go to as many things as I can because I know that's the only way to get myself out there, but the repeated experience of walking away from a social event and thinking 'god I didn't really connect with anyone there/assert myself as a person worth knowing in there' is beginning to wear on me.
I have friends/romantic partners who are in certain music or art scenes made up of groups of friends who do do cool things and have fun house parties etc. When I've been at these kinds of things in the past I've ended up feeling really anxious and out of place because of a combination of feeling like I'm not cool enough for anyone there to be interested in me and the general difficulty of getting to know people in a new environment. I have difficulty recalling things when I'm socially anxious so I find it hard to summon up interesting things to say and also I just don't have as many interesting stories from my life as other people, precisely because I've been isolated/anxious for so long.
So I end up feeling both desperate to be invited to more of these social events and afraid of them because about 70% of the time I'll end up clamping up and not talking to anyone except the person I'm there with. One of the people I'm dating is part of the music scene here and has lots of cool music friends for example, and I have a huge complex about feeling out of place at the things they invite me to while also wanting really badly to be part of and enjoy those things. The person I'm dating is lucky because they do music and connect with people over that - I do poetry and while I do meet up with some friends every fortnight to share poems and made some connections editing a poetry zine, there's just not the same social scene around poetry as there is around music. The person I'm dating always tells me I can do music if I want, because I play the most basic bit of piano and guitar and write songs, but I'm nowhere near good enough to play with other people and actually be respected in the scene and get social capital and connection out of it like they are.
I'm insanely jealous of them and the fact that they have this thing that connects them to other people while I'm stuck trying to come up with fun anecdotes about the boston molasses flood or have an interesting opinion on the musical legacy of king crimson or whatever dumb shit in order to make a connection with people - and I fail at that most of the time because I don't even know that much about boston or king crimson or anything interesting or cool at all and if I do I forget it all as soon as I'm in a group situation because all the energy seeps from my prefrontal cortex to my amygdala to deal with the danger of being perceived and judged to be inadequate.
It just feels like I'm stuck in wanting something so badly that the force of my want prevents me from having it. I've given up a long time ago on thinking I will ever have a loving group of friends, but the least I would like to be able to do is have a healthy social life where I can make connections with the kinds of people I find interesting and not feel like a clamped up loser every time I'm at a social event.
I'm very aware this post is like ultimate mid-20s whiny why am I not cool enough to have cool friends but - if you've been here and felt this way, please please tell me how you got out of it or what helped you see past the decrepit illusions of ego that all of this ultimately is.
For pretty much as long as I remember I've been desperate to connect with people over stuff I care about and be part of a social group that felt like a community. Due to a number of reasons, including migrating as a kid, moving cities for uni, social anxiety, COVID and chronic fatigue, I've never really had the social group, and only in the last two years have had some growing meaningful connections. I have a handful of good individual connections but I still don't really get invited to very many parties or have a group of friends I can invite for a games night or whatever.
Although I stay fairly busy, most social interactions that aren't one-on-one leave me feeling like I haven't 'performed' very well or made a good enough connection - I'm not super good at talking in groups (due to lack of experience lol) and although I think I'm pretty fun and interesting one-on-one, group social dynamics and parties make me feel like I'm a dull idiot. I go to as many things as I can because I know that's the only way to get myself out there, but the repeated experience of walking away from a social event and thinking 'god I didn't really connect with anyone there/assert myself as a person worth knowing in there' is beginning to wear on me.
I have friends/romantic partners who are in certain music or art scenes made up of groups of friends who do do cool things and have fun house parties etc. When I've been at these kinds of things in the past I've ended up feeling really anxious and out of place because of a combination of feeling like I'm not cool enough for anyone there to be interested in me and the general difficulty of getting to know people in a new environment. I have difficulty recalling things when I'm socially anxious so I find it hard to summon up interesting things to say and also I just don't have as many interesting stories from my life as other people, precisely because I've been isolated/anxious for so long.
So I end up feeling both desperate to be invited to more of these social events and afraid of them because about 70% of the time I'll end up clamping up and not talking to anyone except the person I'm there with. One of the people I'm dating is part of the music scene here and has lots of cool music friends for example, and I have a huge complex about feeling out of place at the things they invite me to while also wanting really badly to be part of and enjoy those things. The person I'm dating is lucky because they do music and connect with people over that - I do poetry and while I do meet up with some friends every fortnight to share poems and made some connections editing a poetry zine, there's just not the same social scene around poetry as there is around music. The person I'm dating always tells me I can do music if I want, because I play the most basic bit of piano and guitar and write songs, but I'm nowhere near good enough to play with other people and actually be respected in the scene and get social capital and connection out of it like they are.
I'm insanely jealous of them and the fact that they have this thing that connects them to other people while I'm stuck trying to come up with fun anecdotes about the boston molasses flood or have an interesting opinion on the musical legacy of king crimson or whatever dumb shit in order to make a connection with people - and I fail at that most of the time because I don't even know that much about boston or king crimson or anything interesting or cool at all and if I do I forget it all as soon as I'm in a group situation because all the energy seeps from my prefrontal cortex to my amygdala to deal with the danger of being perceived and judged to be inadequate.
It just feels like I'm stuck in wanting something so badly that the force of my want prevents me from having it. I've given up a long time ago on thinking I will ever have a loving group of friends, but the least I would like to be able to do is have a healthy social life where I can make connections with the kinds of people I find interesting and not feel like a clamped up loser every time I'm at a social event.
I'm very aware this post is like ultimate mid-20s whiny why am I not cool enough to have cool friends but - if you've been here and felt this way, please please tell me how you got out of it or what helped you see past the decrepit illusions of ego that all of this ultimately is.
I too enjoy people one and one and feel awkward and out of place in groups.
And somewhere in my thirties I realized the reason I was was anxious and awkward in those situations was that I didn't want to be there. You can't really connect with people in a group. Parties are a ritual for people to be together without any serious connection, and the people who attend them like it that way. It's not for me.
And yet I do have a social group, a web of people who often meet one on one and sometimes up to four at a time. Occasionally people try something bigger and I just skip it because it ends up being loud and shallow. We do all keep in touch on social media though.
In your shoes I would check in with myself to find out if I really wanted to be in there with groups, or if it is just a skill/preference I think I ought to have. You may be investing (as I did) a lot of time and energy in developing a trait you have no use for.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:35 PM on September 1, 2022 [14 favorites]
And somewhere in my thirties I realized the reason I was was anxious and awkward in those situations was that I didn't want to be there. You can't really connect with people in a group. Parties are a ritual for people to be together without any serious connection, and the people who attend them like it that way. It's not for me.
And yet I do have a social group, a web of people who often meet one on one and sometimes up to four at a time. Occasionally people try something bigger and I just skip it because it ends up being loud and shallow. We do all keep in touch on social media though.
In your shoes I would check in with myself to find out if I really wanted to be in there with groups, or if it is just a skill/preference I think I ought to have. You may be investing (as I did) a lot of time and energy in developing a trait you have no use for.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:35 PM on September 1, 2022 [14 favorites]
What if you shifted your goal from “be interesting and assert myself as worth knowing” to “be a good listener and get to know another person”? I have spent a lot of time with performer types who need a lot of social attention and tell long stories and while they’re charming and can be delightful, they aren’t the only kind of person I like hanging out with!
I also really like having slower paced quieter conversations and talking to people who listen and validate or share insights.
Instead of anecdotes, maybe think about questions you could ask, and then let the convo meander from there with them talking more and you listening and being curious. It’s a much easier goal to be curious rather than entertaining!
You can ask questions about their work-
Do you ever get stage fright? (good question for people in many fields- teachers, lawyers, etc)
How do you summon the discipline to practice?
When did you know you wanted to be a musician?
How do you write a song?
You can also ask questions about them that align to your own interests and life questions:
Do you ever get anxiety about performing?
What’s going through your head when you speak in front of a big group of people? How do you seem so comfortable?
Have you ever moved to a new place and started over socially?
Do you get social anxiety? You seem so comfortable in groups and onstage.
Or just about general topics, you can ask pretty much anything:
“This might be a weird question but do you have any good breakfast ideas? I’m in an oatmeal rut.”
“Do you ever anthropomorphize items? I ordered a new sofa and I feel sad about getting rid of my old sofa. I feel like I’m breaking up with a sofa. Is that weird?”
This kind of open ended question won’t feel nosey to most people and can be a nice way to get someone talking and you learn something too, Good luck!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:05 PM on September 1, 2022 [19 favorites]
I also really like having slower paced quieter conversations and talking to people who listen and validate or share insights.
Instead of anecdotes, maybe think about questions you could ask, and then let the convo meander from there with them talking more and you listening and being curious. It’s a much easier goal to be curious rather than entertaining!
You can ask questions about their work-
Do you ever get stage fright? (good question for people in many fields- teachers, lawyers, etc)
How do you summon the discipline to practice?
When did you know you wanted to be a musician?
How do you write a song?
You can also ask questions about them that align to your own interests and life questions:
Do you ever get anxiety about performing?
What’s going through your head when you speak in front of a big group of people? How do you seem so comfortable?
Have you ever moved to a new place and started over socially?
Do you get social anxiety? You seem so comfortable in groups and onstage.
Or just about general topics, you can ask pretty much anything:
“This might be a weird question but do you have any good breakfast ideas? I’m in an oatmeal rut.”
“Do you ever anthropomorphize items? I ordered a new sofa and I feel sad about getting rid of my old sofa. I feel like I’m breaking up with a sofa. Is that weird?”
This kind of open ended question won’t feel nosey to most people and can be a nice way to get someone talking and you learn something too, Good luck!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:05 PM on September 1, 2022 [19 favorites]
I am an extremely extroverted person who grew up in a family of introverts so I feel I understand both groups. Personally, as social as I am, I do not like parties or large gatherings but love one-on-one meetups and small group activities. I can give a talk in front of thousands of people, no problem, or greet hundreds of students in the hallway but scene-y events are the bane of my existence. OK that's a slight exaggeration and sometimes they're rad but mostly they're awkward af for most people involved unless they're buzzed. I didn't drink for many years so I had no idea what a difference it can make in easing social anxiety; maybe not in reality but it's the go-to for many.
You're approaching the people you're dating and their role in these likely very douchey scenes as if they were some magical unicorns flocking together to gallop around rainbow meadows while spraying glitter out their butts. They're just normal human beings with a special interest that brings them together: some may be great musicians or artists but most are just ok but do it for the shared interest, connections and/or presumed clout. But I understand how you're feeling because I've been there myself: what helped was working on my own confidence and slowly but surely beginning to have the life I truly wanted.
I see in your posting history that you've been struggling with self-confidence and social interaction for a long time. I think self-acceptance would be key. I have mental illness that was untreated for a long time and only now do I understand how all of this went together. Therapy is such a MetaFilter go-to but it's for a good reason! You deserve to be heard and supported and helped in person just as much as you do here.
Finally, I see that you've never liked anyone's answers on MetaFilter. This is absolutely fine of course, but a great way to connect here is to comment yourself or simply like someone's comment. So much of good conversation, both online and off, is not about sharing some clever anecdote but rather letting people know you're listening or agree or even vehemently disagree with respect. I see both here and in a previous post where you talk about your roommates that you are very concerned with age and a timeline. People can be cool or dorky -- or both -- at all ages. It's a very hard time to be a twentysomething right now so please give yourself more credit and grace. Overall it sounds like you're doing quite great in life -- I hope you can find a way to feel great too because you deserve it!
posted by smorgasbord at 8:19 PM on September 1, 2022 [7 favorites]
You're approaching the people you're dating and their role in these likely very douchey scenes as if they were some magical unicorns flocking together to gallop around rainbow meadows while spraying glitter out their butts. They're just normal human beings with a special interest that brings them together: some may be great musicians or artists but most are just ok but do it for the shared interest, connections and/or presumed clout. But I understand how you're feeling because I've been there myself: what helped was working on my own confidence and slowly but surely beginning to have the life I truly wanted.
I see in your posting history that you've been struggling with self-confidence and social interaction for a long time. I think self-acceptance would be key. I have mental illness that was untreated for a long time and only now do I understand how all of this went together. Therapy is such a MetaFilter go-to but it's for a good reason! You deserve to be heard and supported and helped in person just as much as you do here.
Finally, I see that you've never liked anyone's answers on MetaFilter. This is absolutely fine of course, but a great way to connect here is to comment yourself or simply like someone's comment. So much of good conversation, both online and off, is not about sharing some clever anecdote but rather letting people know you're listening or agree or even vehemently disagree with respect. I see both here and in a previous post where you talk about your roommates that you are very concerned with age and a timeline. People can be cool or dorky -- or both -- at all ages. It's a very hard time to be a twentysomething right now so please give yourself more credit and grace. Overall it sounds like you're doing quite great in life -- I hope you can find a way to feel great too because you deserve it!
posted by smorgasbord at 8:19 PM on September 1, 2022 [7 favorites]
The moment this really, truly changed for me was when I was sitting by myself eating a cinnamon roll and Sven, the bouncer at Berghain, who has a spiderweb tattoo all over his face, arguably one of the world's most powerful arbiters of Cool, came and shared my tiny table and we nodded and ate our cinnamon rolls together in quiet. All these musicians and artists and everyone are just people. Ask a lot of questions and listen for the answers. "What did you think about the show?" Or "what's coming up next for you that's exciting?" were my evergreen scene-cruising questions, for example.
As to, like, how to have time to meet in groups as adults, though, I have no answers for that one.
posted by athirstforsalt at 10:50 PM on September 1, 2022 [6 favorites]
As to, like, how to have time to meet in groups as adults, though, I have no answers for that one.
posted by athirstforsalt at 10:50 PM on September 1, 2022 [6 favorites]
Oh! And in my experience, the more famous somebody is, the more refreshed they are to be talked to just like anybody else. Just think, they might be so glad and relieved to be talking to someone new, to talk about poems or whatever, rather than to the same 10 people about the same old stuff.
posted by athirstforsalt at 10:54 PM on September 1, 2022
posted by athirstforsalt at 10:54 PM on September 1, 2022
Your bit at the end struck me. You know no one cares about the molasses flood tidbits, right? That's just a channel for someone to tell a story that has the right intonation and everyone can laugh together at the laugh bits and gasp at the gasp bits, because they've hit a familiar rhythm of storytelling. Some people are legit funny but it's not a baseline friend requirement and has its own pitfalls. Connecting with someone is about listening to them and doing something together more than it's about impressing them.
posted by Lady Li at 11:22 PM on September 1, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by Lady Li at 11:22 PM on September 1, 2022 [8 favorites]
Haha having to keep up with King Crimson references sounds exhausting. It reminds me of early college when the energy people brought to these conversations is what drew me and not necessarily the substance.
You don’t have to feel obliged to impress anyone into being your friend. I tried and people thought I was really weird. It’s more to do with are we found in the same physical space often enough that I recognize you and care to interact, and do we share hobbies and overlap enough in lifestyle that it would make sense to have you as a friend. Friends are like habits you form rather than a whirlwind romance based on first impressions.
posted by limbicdigest at 11:37 PM on September 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
You don’t have to feel obliged to impress anyone into being your friend. I tried and people thought I was really weird. It’s more to do with are we found in the same physical space often enough that I recognize you and care to interact, and do we share hobbies and overlap enough in lifestyle that it would make sense to have you as a friend. Friends are like habits you form rather than a whirlwind romance based on first impressions.
posted by limbicdigest at 11:37 PM on September 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
Take a class in something physical, not verbal: art or dance or music or cooking or knife-making or rockclimbing or handball or or or. *Specifically pick something you haven’t done before, but that looks interesting to you.*. Repeat!
Learning to do something for pleasure, focusing on your own unfolding happiness at learning, not competing, not seeking to impress, showing up with a routine to explore yourself and the world, where words and stories can’t help you, may help you interrupt the narrative-driven, narrative-*seeking* parts of our human brain that often can get painfully tangled-up with ego. All of these are natural, normal parts of ourselves! But if it’s hard to enjoy people’s company doing things you know how to do without getting stuck in a grating loop of What will I say? They’re so much better than I am!, go do something you *don’t* know how to do, for fun, that isn’t based on talking to people, and you might get some relief. Good luck!
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 11:42 PM on September 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
Learning to do something for pleasure, focusing on your own unfolding happiness at learning, not competing, not seeking to impress, showing up with a routine to explore yourself and the world, where words and stories can’t help you, may help you interrupt the narrative-driven, narrative-*seeking* parts of our human brain that often can get painfully tangled-up with ego. All of these are natural, normal parts of ourselves! But if it’s hard to enjoy people’s company doing things you know how to do without getting stuck in a grating loop of What will I say? They’re so much better than I am!, go do something you *don’t* know how to do, for fun, that isn’t based on talking to people, and you might get some relief. Good luck!
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 11:42 PM on September 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
(You will also probably make some friends. If you start as a rote beginner, you will easily see who is a snob and who preys on beginners like a leech and who makes you feel genuinely welcomed and part of the community. *Those* are the people you want as friends, not people who have Cool Accomplishments. People who treat you with respect as a beginner are people who believe in your inherent worth - and likely means they believe it about themselves, too, because they don’t need to feel superior to you. Side note: it’s been a real eye-opener to consider how a fair number of my self-judgments are, in fact, also shitty judgments of *other* people. Food for thought.)
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 11:50 PM on September 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 11:50 PM on September 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
only in the last two years have had some growing meaningful connections. I have a handful of good individual connections but I still don't really get invited to very many parties or have a group of friends I can invite for a games night or whatever.
People are a lot. Learning to deal with them in ways that don't leave us feeling uncomfortable in our own skins just takes time. What you've been doing for the past two years reads to me like exactly how I got started on this stuff in my thirties.
So I think you're going about it in a completely workable fashion, and that the main things you need to do now are (a) just keep on doing what you're doing (b) let go of the expectation that building other-person-sized accommodations in your universe of concerns could possibly get you from seedling to sequoia in days rather than decades (c) let go of the belief that feeling like you're failing must mean you're not actually getting somewhere.
posted by flabdablet at 3:04 AM on September 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
People are a lot. Learning to deal with them in ways that don't leave us feeling uncomfortable in our own skins just takes time. What you've been doing for the past two years reads to me like exactly how I got started on this stuff in my thirties.
So I think you're going about it in a completely workable fashion, and that the main things you need to do now are (a) just keep on doing what you're doing (b) let go of the expectation that building other-person-sized accommodations in your universe of concerns could possibly get you from seedling to sequoia in days rather than decades (c) let go of the belief that feeling like you're failing must mean you're not actually getting somewhere.
posted by flabdablet at 3:04 AM on September 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
The person I'm dating always tells me I can do music if I want, because I play the most basic bit of piano and guitar and write songs, but I'm nowhere near good enough to play with other people and actually be respected in the scene and get social capital and connection out of it like they are.
This was my answer. My husband is a musician, and now I am too. He brought my shy ass along by asking repeatedly to have me play something, anything, with him and friends. Musicians can be excellent at allowing and encouraging newcomers to "jam" with them, and you can do something simple like keyboard or tambourine or whatever, if the scene is right. You don't have to be "good enough," in my opinion. I encourage you to try to get involved on this axis.
posted by tiny frying pan at 4:52 AM on September 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
This was my answer. My husband is a musician, and now I am too. He brought my shy ass along by asking repeatedly to have me play something, anything, with him and friends. Musicians can be excellent at allowing and encouraging newcomers to "jam" with them, and you can do something simple like keyboard or tambourine or whatever, if the scene is right. You don't have to be "good enough," in my opinion. I encourage you to try to get involved on this axis.
posted by tiny frying pan at 4:52 AM on September 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
Ooh I know this feeling. There are three situations in which I've encountered this.
-My husband used to run xc competitively in college and the vast majority of his college buddies are deeply in the running scene.
-The time I went to a party where I knew like 3 people but the 50 other people there were all lawyers.
-When we go to alumni events for my husband's private high school where like 95% of the people there are like sickeningly wealthy and in very business-y or political jobs.
In each of these situations I've felt like the differences between me and the people there couldn't be more vast. And in each of these situations, I've used a different technique to deal with this.
Since my husband keeps closely in touch with his college friends, over time I've been able to follow changes in their lives. Sure they all still talk about some running adjacent stuff when we all get together, but more often we now end up talking about the news or their personal lives. This works because I have seen these same people over and over for years.
Mostly at the lawyer party I just talked about my own job and interests. A lot of people found this interesting conversation as it was out of their typical day to day experience. People are looking for common ground at parties so when you share stories about your own day to day, it gives them opportunity to connect.
When you really feel you can't connect with people and you doubt that you'll ever see the vast majority of them any time soon if ever, and that they won't remember you if they do see you, just ask people whatever you feel like. I went around one alumni event held in a very upper crust sort of place just stopping by different discussions and saying "Excuse me, I'm trying to find the most interesting person in the room and I was wondering if you all could tell me something interesting about yourselves." It actually ended up being the most fun I had ever had at one of those events and I ended up feeling much more comfortable when people felt like they could share something cool about themselves instead of just professionally hobnobbing.
Basically the most helpful thing is to break past that barrier where people are just the one obvious aspect of their identity. Repeated get togethers with the same people, talking about your lived experiences, and being the ice breaker between cliques are just three different ways of accomplishing this.
posted by donut_princess at 7:11 AM on September 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
-My husband used to run xc competitively in college and the vast majority of his college buddies are deeply in the running scene.
-The time I went to a party where I knew like 3 people but the 50 other people there were all lawyers.
-When we go to alumni events for my husband's private high school where like 95% of the people there are like sickeningly wealthy and in very business-y or political jobs.
In each of these situations I've felt like the differences between me and the people there couldn't be more vast. And in each of these situations, I've used a different technique to deal with this.
Since my husband keeps closely in touch with his college friends, over time I've been able to follow changes in their lives. Sure they all still talk about some running adjacent stuff when we all get together, but more often we now end up talking about the news or their personal lives. This works because I have seen these same people over and over for years.
Mostly at the lawyer party I just talked about my own job and interests. A lot of people found this interesting conversation as it was out of their typical day to day experience. People are looking for common ground at parties so when you share stories about your own day to day, it gives them opportunity to connect.
When you really feel you can't connect with people and you doubt that you'll ever see the vast majority of them any time soon if ever, and that they won't remember you if they do see you, just ask people whatever you feel like. I went around one alumni event held in a very upper crust sort of place just stopping by different discussions and saying "Excuse me, I'm trying to find the most interesting person in the room and I was wondering if you all could tell me something interesting about yourselves." It actually ended up being the most fun I had ever had at one of those events and I ended up feeling much more comfortable when people felt like they could share something cool about themselves instead of just professionally hobnobbing.
Basically the most helpful thing is to break past that barrier where people are just the one obvious aspect of their identity. Repeated get togethers with the same people, talking about your lived experiences, and being the ice breaker between cliques are just three different ways of accomplishing this.
posted by donut_princess at 7:11 AM on September 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
Friend groups simply take a while to build. But trying to impress people is not how one wins friends. Admirers maybe. But not buddies and confidants. Friendships are built on repeatedly seeing each other and interacting. It takes something like 20 to 30 casual encounters to shift to friendship, if you're making an effort to get to know the person. And you do that by asking open ended questions and being interested in what they say, especially if you remember it and mention it during a later conversation.
This is actually much easier to do one on one, even if you're at a group event. And the best part is that you don't need to connect about any specific hobby or skill, you just both need to be interested in getting to know one another. There's a lot more to a person than their hobbies, though that can be an easy way to open a conversation. Don't worry about 'seeming interesting and cool' or 'worthy of getting to know'. Focus on communicating that you're interested in *them*.
It sounds a bit like you want to be *popular* (impressing people, gaining social capital, wanting to seem cool). I think this is something that will fade as you get older and begin to understand that popularity is a poor substitute for having a few close, trusted friends who like you for who you are and not for your social standing.
The way you feel is totally normal, and I bet you anything that a lot of the people you are jealous of feel exactly the same way but have become better at hiding it.
You say you don't have a group of friends to have a game night with... but you are dating someone and see your poetry pals often. Why don't you invite them all for a game night, and have your partner invite a few friends as well. Do this weekly or twice a month regularly, and invite new folks from time to time and I guarantee within 6 months you will have a fun group of people to hang out with.
posted by ananci at 7:20 AM on September 2, 2022
This is actually much easier to do one on one, even if you're at a group event. And the best part is that you don't need to connect about any specific hobby or skill, you just both need to be interested in getting to know one another. There's a lot more to a person than their hobbies, though that can be an easy way to open a conversation. Don't worry about 'seeming interesting and cool' or 'worthy of getting to know'. Focus on communicating that you're interested in *them*.
It sounds a bit like you want to be *popular* (impressing people, gaining social capital, wanting to seem cool). I think this is something that will fade as you get older and begin to understand that popularity is a poor substitute for having a few close, trusted friends who like you for who you are and not for your social standing.
The way you feel is totally normal, and I bet you anything that a lot of the people you are jealous of feel exactly the same way but have become better at hiding it.
You say you don't have a group of friends to have a game night with... but you are dating someone and see your poetry pals often. Why don't you invite them all for a game night, and have your partner invite a few friends as well. Do this weekly or twice a month regularly, and invite new folks from time to time and I guarantee within 6 months you will have a fun group of people to hang out with.
posted by ananci at 7:20 AM on September 2, 2022
This post hits close to home for me, so I wanted to respond and share a little of my experience.
Everything you wrote here sounds like me at your same age. I'm now in my mid 30s. Had someone in their mid 30s told me, when I was in my mid 20s, that my life would look very different in another decade, I'd have said "OK, sure." The comment might've been designed to give younger-me some hope, which would have been all well and good, but it's not advice. It doesn't offer any practical steps or exercises to help push past this way of thinking and being. And 20-something me definitely wanted practical advice. I craved it.
Your mileage may vary for any or all of this, of course, so take the following with a grain of salt.
I was raised to be an extremely risk averse person. My life started to look a lot different when I started to take risks. It wasn't easy, and I'm not going to lie and pretend like it was easy. Some of those risks were situations where I had no choice; I'd been backed into a corner. (I'm pretty stubborn; I think for me, in particular, I needed to be in a situation where I had no other choice but to take a risk. Otherwise I would have been too stubborn to make a leap from a "sure bet" to something less certain.) Sometimes, the risk payoff wouldn't be immediate. And sometimes there's no payoff (that's why we call them risks, right - they don't always work out). But risks can be calculated, and with calculated risks more often than not, I was able to yank myself from my comfort zone. Leaving my comfort zone led me to new people, new communities, and new opportunities.
I have no idea if you're a risk averse person, too, but (surprise) I was nosy and looked back at your AskMe history. You once mentioned being raised by a boundary-violating parent who didn't respect or foster the growth of your emotional self. This is also how I would describe my childhood. It's a very, very difficult childhood to survive, and it doesn't always prepare us very well for adulthood - and certainly not for healthy relationships! What I'm trying to say here is that as much as you may not want to give yourself a break, it is NOT easy growing up in that kind of environment and then trying to socialize and interact like a normal person. We were never allowed to feel safe sharing our emotions, being vulnerable, or making mistakes/saying the wrong thing. So we may not trust most people to do that for us, because our own parent(s)/caretaker(s) didn't do that for us. Makes sense, right?
I used to think I understood the extent of the damage that this type of childhood had on me, but I really had no idea until I hit my early 30s. Only in the last few years, after starting a new round of therapy with a new therapist - and having a positive experience with psilocybin (something that was personally VERY helpful for me and opening my mind, but is not going to be for everyone) - have I started to understand the way that I was harmed by a childhood lacking in boundaries and emotional validation/support.
On top of being risk averse since childhood, I'd always had the type of social anxiety where I'd worry about whether or not all the cool/naturally extroverted/conversationally gifted people I met would deem me weird or unworthy of serious attention. I was paralyzed by that fear, and it compounded my risk aversion. So I'd avoid the very things that would have forced me to learn how to be more comfortable and at ease around other, very artistic and tight-knit groups of people. I'd skip potentially-very-fun events because it was easier to just stay home and not worry about having to "be on" for other people.
From your post:
I'm insanely jealous of them and the fact that they have this thing that connects them to other people while I'm stuck trying to come up with fun anecdotes about the boston molasses flood or have an interesting opinion on the musical legacy of king crimson or whatever dumb shit in order to make a connection with people - and I fail at that most of the time because I don't even know that much about boston or king crimson or anything interesting or cool at all and if I do I forget it all as soon as I'm in a group situation because all the energy seeps from my prefrontal cortex to my amygdala to deal with the danger of being perceived and judged to be inadequate.
So, it's good to try. But instead of "trying" to be interesting for these people, let's lower the bar. Give yourself a break and decide to look at this as a research project. Let's extract this event from its social implications and instead look at it as doing research in the field. Now, you're not there to "try" to make friends or to "try" to convince other people that you're cool or interesting enough to befriend. You're just there to enjoy observing and learning about these other people.
I'm serious. Instead of being "fantasticbotanical, the new kid at the club," be "fantasticbotanical, the cultural anthropologist." Show up, but show up because you're curious to learn more about these other folks. Don't go in with expectations about how this will work out. You're just there to learn. Listen to what others are talking about. Rather than trying to come up with cool things to share about your own knowledge, practice active listening and ask questions. People love it when you show a genuine curiosity in their life and interests, because people love to talk about themselves. The fact that want to learn more about them and their interests will make them feel good about talking to you. And, with time, if they're a decent human being, they'll probably start to feel curious about you, too. (But don't be sad if this doesn't happen! It doesn't always happen because we're not meant to be friends with everyone. ) The right people - the ones who are worth your time to befriend - will notice and appreciate your genuine interest in them, and start to come around. For the other people, the ones who don't really ever begin to reciprocate interest, just remember you're in cultural anthropologist mode. Make a mental note, "Okay, it didn't work out with this person. Sounds like we're different people, but I'm glad I tried. Now I can focus on learning about the next cool person I meet."
If you aren't sure what questions to ask people, which is something I've struggled with for a long time, google is your friend! There are plenty of online guides to making small talk/becoming a more active listener. Here's a few to get you started:
How to Make Dinner Party Small Talk Like a Pro ( "Pretend Like Everyone is Already Your Friend" is a favorite of mine - you'd be surprised how well "fake it until you make it" can work)
Toastmasters' Art of Small Talk
How to Become a Better Active Listener
So, instead of trying to sound cool by talking about King Crimson, listen to what they're talking about ask them more about it. You don't have to ask a question in such a way as to "prove" that you're also knowledgeable about the topic. Chances are, you may not be knowledgeable about the topic, but as a "cultural anthropologist in the field" of sorts, you're curious to learn more from them. Ask open-ended questions (avoid relying on questions that only require a yes/no; those questions don't necessarily get people talking the way open-ended questions do) and show genuine interest in their response.
It takes practice. Which is why it can be really helpful to reframe these social settings as field research outings, as opposed to Big Scary Socializing Conventions. You're going out there to learn, to practice your (new) conversational craft, and to see what people are like.
It just feels like I'm stuck in wanting something so badly that the force of my want prevents me from having it. I've given up a long time ago on thinking I will ever have a loving group of friends, but the least I would like to be able to do is have a healthy social life where I can make connections with the kinds of people I find interesting and not feel like a clamped up loser every time I'm at a social event.
This popped out at me, too. Yes, I agree, I think the fact that you want it so badly does interfere with your goal of making friends. So, again, focus on letting go. Reframe how you view get-togethers with other people. Maybe even consider spending a little time reading about Buddhism, in particular how fixating on desire (in this case, a desire to make a group of people like you; a desire to have friends) has an adverse, counter-intuitive impact on our happiness - in fact, fixating on our desires is a big part of why we suffer. When we let go of that desire, and say, "I accept that I cannot control others' actions, or what life throws at me. I'm going to let go of my desire to have people react to me a certain way; I'm going to let go of my desire to make friends with these particular people." That doesn't mean stop spending time with them and getting to know them/each other, or stop going out. It just means stop hinging everything on a desired outcome that you cannot control. Your behavior may influence outcomes, but you're never going to be able to make life bend its will to you.
When we let go of desire and focus on accepting what we're actually receiving in our present moment, it loosens' anxiety's grip. We can relax, because the outcome no longer matters. There's much less at stake if we're not attached to (or desiring) a particular outcome. Because we're already accepted that the outcome could go any number of ways, and that it's alright that it could go any number of ways.
All of this is easier said than done. That's why I emphasize treating it as an experiment, as research, as something to practice. It takes time. But I assure you, once you begin to do these things, over time you will see a difference. And eventually you will find your people. You're still very young right now, and life is going to take you many places. I believe in you, and wish you the best!
posted by nightrecordings at 7:34 AM on September 2, 2022 [8 favorites]
Everything you wrote here sounds like me at your same age. I'm now in my mid 30s. Had someone in their mid 30s told me, when I was in my mid 20s, that my life would look very different in another decade, I'd have said "OK, sure." The comment might've been designed to give younger-me some hope, which would have been all well and good, but it's not advice. It doesn't offer any practical steps or exercises to help push past this way of thinking and being. And 20-something me definitely wanted practical advice. I craved it.
Your mileage may vary for any or all of this, of course, so take the following with a grain of salt.
I was raised to be an extremely risk averse person. My life started to look a lot different when I started to take risks. It wasn't easy, and I'm not going to lie and pretend like it was easy. Some of those risks were situations where I had no choice; I'd been backed into a corner. (I'm pretty stubborn; I think for me, in particular, I needed to be in a situation where I had no other choice but to take a risk. Otherwise I would have been too stubborn to make a leap from a "sure bet" to something less certain.) Sometimes, the risk payoff wouldn't be immediate. And sometimes there's no payoff (that's why we call them risks, right - they don't always work out). But risks can be calculated, and with calculated risks more often than not, I was able to yank myself from my comfort zone. Leaving my comfort zone led me to new people, new communities, and new opportunities.
I have no idea if you're a risk averse person, too, but (surprise) I was nosy and looked back at your AskMe history. You once mentioned being raised by a boundary-violating parent who didn't respect or foster the growth of your emotional self. This is also how I would describe my childhood. It's a very, very difficult childhood to survive, and it doesn't always prepare us very well for adulthood - and certainly not for healthy relationships! What I'm trying to say here is that as much as you may not want to give yourself a break, it is NOT easy growing up in that kind of environment and then trying to socialize and interact like a normal person. We were never allowed to feel safe sharing our emotions, being vulnerable, or making mistakes/saying the wrong thing. So we may not trust most people to do that for us, because our own parent(s)/caretaker(s) didn't do that for us. Makes sense, right?
I used to think I understood the extent of the damage that this type of childhood had on me, but I really had no idea until I hit my early 30s. Only in the last few years, after starting a new round of therapy with a new therapist - and having a positive experience with psilocybin (something that was personally VERY helpful for me and opening my mind, but is not going to be for everyone) - have I started to understand the way that I was harmed by a childhood lacking in boundaries and emotional validation/support.
On top of being risk averse since childhood, I'd always had the type of social anxiety where I'd worry about whether or not all the cool/naturally extroverted/conversationally gifted people I met would deem me weird or unworthy of serious attention. I was paralyzed by that fear, and it compounded my risk aversion. So I'd avoid the very things that would have forced me to learn how to be more comfortable and at ease around other, very artistic and tight-knit groups of people. I'd skip potentially-very-fun events because it was easier to just stay home and not worry about having to "be on" for other people.
From your post:
I'm insanely jealous of them and the fact that they have this thing that connects them to other people while I'm stuck trying to come up with fun anecdotes about the boston molasses flood or have an interesting opinion on the musical legacy of king crimson or whatever dumb shit in order to make a connection with people - and I fail at that most of the time because I don't even know that much about boston or king crimson or anything interesting or cool at all and if I do I forget it all as soon as I'm in a group situation because all the energy seeps from my prefrontal cortex to my amygdala to deal with the danger of being perceived and judged to be inadequate.
So, it's good to try. But instead of "trying" to be interesting for these people, let's lower the bar. Give yourself a break and decide to look at this as a research project. Let's extract this event from its social implications and instead look at it as doing research in the field. Now, you're not there to "try" to make friends or to "try" to convince other people that you're cool or interesting enough to befriend. You're just there to enjoy observing and learning about these other people.
I'm serious. Instead of being "fantasticbotanical, the new kid at the club," be "fantasticbotanical, the cultural anthropologist." Show up, but show up because you're curious to learn more about these other folks. Don't go in with expectations about how this will work out. You're just there to learn. Listen to what others are talking about. Rather than trying to come up with cool things to share about your own knowledge, practice active listening and ask questions. People love it when you show a genuine curiosity in their life and interests, because people love to talk about themselves. The fact that want to learn more about them and their interests will make them feel good about talking to you. And, with time, if they're a decent human being, they'll probably start to feel curious about you, too. (But don't be sad if this doesn't happen! It doesn't always happen because we're not meant to be friends with everyone. ) The right people - the ones who are worth your time to befriend - will notice and appreciate your genuine interest in them, and start to come around. For the other people, the ones who don't really ever begin to reciprocate interest, just remember you're in cultural anthropologist mode. Make a mental note, "Okay, it didn't work out with this person. Sounds like we're different people, but I'm glad I tried. Now I can focus on learning about the next cool person I meet."
If you aren't sure what questions to ask people, which is something I've struggled with for a long time, google is your friend! There are plenty of online guides to making small talk/becoming a more active listener. Here's a few to get you started:
How to Make Dinner Party Small Talk Like a Pro ( "Pretend Like Everyone is Already Your Friend" is a favorite of mine - you'd be surprised how well "fake it until you make it" can work)
Toastmasters' Art of Small Talk
How to Become a Better Active Listener
So, instead of trying to sound cool by talking about King Crimson, listen to what they're talking about ask them more about it. You don't have to ask a question in such a way as to "prove" that you're also knowledgeable about the topic. Chances are, you may not be knowledgeable about the topic, but as a "cultural anthropologist in the field" of sorts, you're curious to learn more from them. Ask open-ended questions (avoid relying on questions that only require a yes/no; those questions don't necessarily get people talking the way open-ended questions do) and show genuine interest in their response.
It takes practice. Which is why it can be really helpful to reframe these social settings as field research outings, as opposed to Big Scary Socializing Conventions. You're going out there to learn, to practice your (new) conversational craft, and to see what people are like.
It just feels like I'm stuck in wanting something so badly that the force of my want prevents me from having it. I've given up a long time ago on thinking I will ever have a loving group of friends, but the least I would like to be able to do is have a healthy social life where I can make connections with the kinds of people I find interesting and not feel like a clamped up loser every time I'm at a social event.
This popped out at me, too. Yes, I agree, I think the fact that you want it so badly does interfere with your goal of making friends. So, again, focus on letting go. Reframe how you view get-togethers with other people. Maybe even consider spending a little time reading about Buddhism, in particular how fixating on desire (in this case, a desire to make a group of people like you; a desire to have friends) has an adverse, counter-intuitive impact on our happiness - in fact, fixating on our desires is a big part of why we suffer. When we let go of that desire, and say, "I accept that I cannot control others' actions, or what life throws at me. I'm going to let go of my desire to have people react to me a certain way; I'm going to let go of my desire to make friends with these particular people." That doesn't mean stop spending time with them and getting to know them/each other, or stop going out. It just means stop hinging everything on a desired outcome that you cannot control. Your behavior may influence outcomes, but you're never going to be able to make life bend its will to you.
When we let go of desire and focus on accepting what we're actually receiving in our present moment, it loosens' anxiety's grip. We can relax, because the outcome no longer matters. There's much less at stake if we're not attached to (or desiring) a particular outcome. Because we're already accepted that the outcome could go any number of ways, and that it's alright that it could go any number of ways.
All of this is easier said than done. That's why I emphasize treating it as an experiment, as research, as something to practice. It takes time. But I assure you, once you begin to do these things, over time you will see a difference. And eventually you will find your people. You're still very young right now, and life is going to take you many places. I believe in you, and wish you the best!
posted by nightrecordings at 7:34 AM on September 2, 2022 [8 favorites]
You've gotten a lot of really good answers here, but as someone with social anxiety who's been in therapy and working on it for years and years now, the thing that finally got me out of my head to actually enjoy parties was... going on an SSRI for my anxiety. Now I can just walk up to people and start talking and not have that social anxiety blankness and oh god oh god oh god in the back of my head. Because I could talk it down all I wanted, and get more comfortable with socializing with people over time, but that anxiety feeling never truly went away; I just got better at managing it and socializing through it. On an SSRI I don't have to work to manage it at all, most of the time.
posted by bridgebury at 7:38 AM on September 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by bridgebury at 7:38 AM on September 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
You do poetry?! Talk about what songs you like as poetry, and which are weak in that category. Feel free to be opinionated about that.
Also I agree with the advice to do something physical, as in take a class if you need to. Interesting stories come from action. If you do knives (for example), you'll have an action filled story about John who ignored the teacher's advice and cut towards himself, or about the natural Jenny who was carving chess figurines two classes in soon enough.
Parties are a ritual for people to be together without any serious connection, and the people who attend them like it that way.
And I want to disagree with this, in the scope of the ask: Parties are to bring together disparate, larger groups of people, friends of friends etc, to increase the fun or to make a new friend. Of course you (or anyone else) won't connect with everyone there, but you might connect with one new person there.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:27 AM on September 2, 2022
Also I agree with the advice to do something physical, as in take a class if you need to. Interesting stories come from action. If you do knives (for example), you'll have an action filled story about John who ignored the teacher's advice and cut towards himself, or about the natural Jenny who was carving chess figurines two classes in soon enough.
Parties are a ritual for people to be together without any serious connection, and the people who attend them like it that way.
And I want to disagree with this, in the scope of the ask: Parties are to bring together disparate, larger groups of people, friends of friends etc, to increase the fun or to make a new friend. Of course you (or anyone else) won't connect with everyone there, but you might connect with one new person there.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:27 AM on September 2, 2022
My small comment is that you sound needy and afraid of not getting what you need, so you are bouncing around in your own head between these two desires of gratification but self protection from pain of not getting it. This ideal friend group community you envision starts when you love the lonely little person inside you, flaws and strengths combined. Then you’ll be in a stronger place to reach out, and accept whatever connection you do get. The older I get the less I expect from my friends. Just take each moment as it comes as friendships are built moment by moment. Also keep in mind sometimes you might be in a stable place to deeply connect but the other person is bouncing around between their own gratification/protection cycle and might not be ready for or wanting a connection in that moment if ever.
In short, love yourself, address the neediness, cultivate presence and work with what is presenting itself in the moment.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:01 AM on September 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
In short, love yourself, address the neediness, cultivate presence and work with what is presenting itself in the moment.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:01 AM on September 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences, they've given me a lot to reflect on.
I definitely think treating social anxiety, or treating myself as someone with social anxiety, is a big piece of it. The way social anxiety is talked about sometimes it's like oh you just power through it and be social enough and it goes away.. Which has been somewhat true for me in that my social anxiety has reduced over time but I didn't realise how much it still affects me - and that I'm not able to recognise when it does, because I think that I've 'gotten over it'! So I just end up feeling stressed and overwhelmed for amorphous reasons that I interpret using the frameworks that are familiar to my brain (inadequacy, comparison, performance etc). And then something like 'I don't know many people at this party of music kids and it makes me feel anxious' turns into 'I'm a loser who doesn't do anything as creative and cool as anyone here and omg I don't even remember when 21st century schizoid man came out'.
I think one of the most valuable things about 'seeing' anxiety is that it allows you to unblend from anxious thoughts instead of taking them as reality. And I think in my rush to be 'cured' from social anxiety I've been trying to pretend I don't have it, which, surprise, has made it much harder to deal with. Thanks to the comments on this post I've come back to ACT and already used some techniques from it when I was out in a slightly intimidating context yesterday haha - and I had a great time. This manual is a really good resource for anyone who comes across this thread and is interested.
The points around patience and time and not seeing failure where there's actually slow progress are also super important and I'm so thankful to people from such a wide range of experiences for sharing their thoughts on this, it has helped me gain a lot of perspective and be a bit more kind in how I view where I am. Also to those who took the time to look at my posting history, thank you for taking that time and offering reflections based on it. I have asked a few questions about insecurity and self-acceptance, and every time I have, the answers have helped me ground myself so much and I really feel like I've grown from them and continue coming back to them over and over. People on this site being so generous with their time and thoughts is really special. Thanks all.
posted by fantasticbotanical at 7:20 PM on September 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
I definitely think treating social anxiety, or treating myself as someone with social anxiety, is a big piece of it. The way social anxiety is talked about sometimes it's like oh you just power through it and be social enough and it goes away.. Which has been somewhat true for me in that my social anxiety has reduced over time but I didn't realise how much it still affects me - and that I'm not able to recognise when it does, because I think that I've 'gotten over it'! So I just end up feeling stressed and overwhelmed for amorphous reasons that I interpret using the frameworks that are familiar to my brain (inadequacy, comparison, performance etc). And then something like 'I don't know many people at this party of music kids and it makes me feel anxious' turns into 'I'm a loser who doesn't do anything as creative and cool as anyone here and omg I don't even remember when 21st century schizoid man came out'.
I think one of the most valuable things about 'seeing' anxiety is that it allows you to unblend from anxious thoughts instead of taking them as reality. And I think in my rush to be 'cured' from social anxiety I've been trying to pretend I don't have it, which, surprise, has made it much harder to deal with. Thanks to the comments on this post I've come back to ACT and already used some techniques from it when I was out in a slightly intimidating context yesterday haha - and I had a great time. This manual is a really good resource for anyone who comes across this thread and is interested.
The points around patience and time and not seeing failure where there's actually slow progress are also super important and I'm so thankful to people from such a wide range of experiences for sharing their thoughts on this, it has helped me gain a lot of perspective and be a bit more kind in how I view where I am. Also to those who took the time to look at my posting history, thank you for taking that time and offering reflections based on it. I have asked a few questions about insecurity and self-acceptance, and every time I have, the answers have helped me ground myself so much and I really feel like I've grown from them and continue coming back to them over and over. People on this site being so generous with their time and thoughts is really special. Thanks all.
posted by fantasticbotanical at 7:20 PM on September 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
I think one of the most valuable things about 'seeing' anxiety is that it allows you to unblend from anxious thoughts instead of taking them as reality.
I think one of the most valuable things about understanding that I am this physical presence, not merely some kind of ethereal passenger that currently happens to be riding about in this physical presence, is that mistaking our thoughts for ourselves is the root cause of almost all anxiety.
It occurred to me, one particularly lovely evening on a beach in Broome at the age of 33, that the best response to the perennial question of "Who am I?" was a two-parter:
1: I am this (gesturing vaguely in my own direction)
2: Now describe this.
This explicit decoupling of the fundamental issue of identity from the demand to describe it has given me the freedom to exist without experiencing any kind of change short of actual physical destruction as equivalent to personal annihilation. It's also given me the freedom to contemplate my actual physical destruction with equanimity, because I'm no longer hobbled by a need to prop up the delusion that my consciousness is an essential and defining part of what makes me me or what makes reality real.
Reality is what it is, and to a very nearly perfect approximation depends not at all on how my consciousness models its various parts and their relationships. Not only is it not all about me, the overwhelming bulk of it doesn't give a shit whether I'm part of it or not.
Just move within the world being as kind as it will let you. Honestly, that's the entire trick to being alive.
posted by flabdablet at 10:56 PM on September 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
I think one of the most valuable things about understanding that I am this physical presence, not merely some kind of ethereal passenger that currently happens to be riding about in this physical presence, is that mistaking our thoughts for ourselves is the root cause of almost all anxiety.
It occurred to me, one particularly lovely evening on a beach in Broome at the age of 33, that the best response to the perennial question of "Who am I?" was a two-parter:
1: I am this (gesturing vaguely in my own direction)
2: Now describe this.
This explicit decoupling of the fundamental issue of identity from the demand to describe it has given me the freedom to exist without experiencing any kind of change short of actual physical destruction as equivalent to personal annihilation. It's also given me the freedom to contemplate my actual physical destruction with equanimity, because I'm no longer hobbled by a need to prop up the delusion that my consciousness is an essential and defining part of what makes me me or what makes reality real.
Reality is what it is, and to a very nearly perfect approximation depends not at all on how my consciousness models its various parts and their relationships. Not only is it not all about me, the overwhelming bulk of it doesn't give a shit whether I'm part of it or not.
Just move within the world being as kind as it will let you. Honestly, that's the entire trick to being alive.
posted by flabdablet at 10:56 PM on September 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
For me, the biggest lightbulb was figuring out that 95% of the time other people are either also scared/anxious OR they're not anxious and also don't particularly obsess over what I/others are thinking about them. Like, is this Lyn person generally interacting pleasantly with me? Okay, that's cool, no analysis needed really.. You can waste energy being jealous of that, but figuring out it's just experience that gets you to that place and making a point to pursue that until it works for you too is a better use of the calories.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:16 PM on September 1, 2022 [14 favorites]