How does your (friendship) garden grow?
September 5, 2022 2:35 PM Subscribe
I've gotten pretty good at making acquaintances but anxiety makes developing and sustaining friendships a constant struggle. What can I do differently?
Social anxiety and difficulty making new friends have been a problem for me since day one. Growing up I had one or two close friends most of the time, but it wasn’t until college that I was finally part of a robust social circle and had multiple close friends. When I moved to my current city I had a large existing group of friends in the area, but a decade later the situation is grim. My original friend group started to fall apart 5-6 years ago as the pace of people moving away accelerated and other friendships drifted apart. Most of my attempts at developing new friendships fizzled out early on. I did make a couple of new friends, only one of whom I'm still friends with. From time to time I reconnect with old friends, only to drift apart again. When people move away, I feel bad about struggling to maintain communication without in person interactions which makes it feel even harder to reach out. The pandemic ultimately exposed how much I was relying on friendships that were superficial, and one where I only tolerated frustrating behavior due to a fear of being alone, to sustain me.
About four years ago I got serious about expanding my social network. I've done many of the things recommended to people in my position – took classes, went to (and even hosted!) meetups, used Bumble BFF etc. It’s gone a long way towards curbing my loneliness but hasn’t resulted in any new friendships. Examples of barriers I’ve run into:
1) I’ve been going to a monthly meetup for a few years. I’ve gotten to know the main members, many of whom are friends with each other outside of the meetup, but I get awkward and quiet when it comes to making one on one conversation and have only gotten to the point of exchanging numbers once - ultimately neither of us reached out to the other and I haven't seen her at the meetup for a long time now.
2) I meet someone cool, we hit it off, there’s mutual interest in hanging out again… but if they don’t reach out, I don’t reach out because I’m too busy overanalyzing how soon is too soon to get in touch and what, if anything, to say to them in between hanging out again and what to suggest we do next time and on and on until so much time has passed it feels like it’s too late to connect.
I do think that I have a lot to offer as a friend! But the anxiety monster that lives inside my brain makes me terrified of taking the initiative to communicate in case I’m misreading their interest level in being my friend, so we only become or stay close if they’re invested in reaching out to me. I go through short bursts of social activity but it feels like two steps forward and two steps back. I started dating again last year after an extended hiatus and have somehow been doing better than ever before, but when I try to transfer that energy towards developing platonic relationships I choke in the early stages. I find dating to be anxiety provoking as well, but it helps that there are more formalized expectations towards how romantic relationships progress in the early stages and sexual interest goes a long way towards powering through any initial awkwardness. I did wind up in a casual/FWB situation where we were very close that ended recently, drawing attention to just how shaky my few other friendships are. I feel embarrassed that he has a large social network to fall back on and I don’t.
And to really throw a monkey wrench into the whole situation, I’m going to have major surgery in less than two months. I’m fortunate enough to have family nearby to help with the essentials but I’m going to be out of commission for six weeks and possibly not return to my current energy levels for 6-12 months. I’m also considering taking on extra work to reach some financial goals quicker. I feel weird and guilty about trying to (re)connect with people right before I’m going to be in such a vulnerable/unavailable place when I could have fostered these relationships a long time ago.
It seems like most of my close friends over the years have been super social people who are frequently contacted by multiple friends throughout the day, have an overflowing social calendar, and make easy conversation with others in person or via social media that results in sustained connections. I’m deeply envious but have been unable to emulate their behavior. I'm on meds and have a great therapist and we talk about this a lot – what I’m looking for is inspirational anecdotes and actionable steps for reviving old friendships, crossing the acquaintance-to-friend barrier, and nurturing relationships that are fading away instead of just watching them die on the vine. I feel more than a little silly essentially asking for an instruction manual on making friends when I’ve successfully done it in the past, but constantly floundering at building more than a tenuous connection with other people is really starting to get to me and I don’t know how to defeat the cycle of overthinking and isolation that I’ve fallen into.
Social anxiety and difficulty making new friends have been a problem for me since day one. Growing up I had one or two close friends most of the time, but it wasn’t until college that I was finally part of a robust social circle and had multiple close friends. When I moved to my current city I had a large existing group of friends in the area, but a decade later the situation is grim. My original friend group started to fall apart 5-6 years ago as the pace of people moving away accelerated and other friendships drifted apart. Most of my attempts at developing new friendships fizzled out early on. I did make a couple of new friends, only one of whom I'm still friends with. From time to time I reconnect with old friends, only to drift apart again. When people move away, I feel bad about struggling to maintain communication without in person interactions which makes it feel even harder to reach out. The pandemic ultimately exposed how much I was relying on friendships that were superficial, and one where I only tolerated frustrating behavior due to a fear of being alone, to sustain me.
About four years ago I got serious about expanding my social network. I've done many of the things recommended to people in my position – took classes, went to (and even hosted!) meetups, used Bumble BFF etc. It’s gone a long way towards curbing my loneliness but hasn’t resulted in any new friendships. Examples of barriers I’ve run into:
1) I’ve been going to a monthly meetup for a few years. I’ve gotten to know the main members, many of whom are friends with each other outside of the meetup, but I get awkward and quiet when it comes to making one on one conversation and have only gotten to the point of exchanging numbers once - ultimately neither of us reached out to the other and I haven't seen her at the meetup for a long time now.
2) I meet someone cool, we hit it off, there’s mutual interest in hanging out again… but if they don’t reach out, I don’t reach out because I’m too busy overanalyzing how soon is too soon to get in touch and what, if anything, to say to them in between hanging out again and what to suggest we do next time and on and on until so much time has passed it feels like it’s too late to connect.
I do think that I have a lot to offer as a friend! But the anxiety monster that lives inside my brain makes me terrified of taking the initiative to communicate in case I’m misreading their interest level in being my friend, so we only become or stay close if they’re invested in reaching out to me. I go through short bursts of social activity but it feels like two steps forward and two steps back. I started dating again last year after an extended hiatus and have somehow been doing better than ever before, but when I try to transfer that energy towards developing platonic relationships I choke in the early stages. I find dating to be anxiety provoking as well, but it helps that there are more formalized expectations towards how romantic relationships progress in the early stages and sexual interest goes a long way towards powering through any initial awkwardness. I did wind up in a casual/FWB situation where we were very close that ended recently, drawing attention to just how shaky my few other friendships are. I feel embarrassed that he has a large social network to fall back on and I don’t.
And to really throw a monkey wrench into the whole situation, I’m going to have major surgery in less than two months. I’m fortunate enough to have family nearby to help with the essentials but I’m going to be out of commission for six weeks and possibly not return to my current energy levels for 6-12 months. I’m also considering taking on extra work to reach some financial goals quicker. I feel weird and guilty about trying to (re)connect with people right before I’m going to be in such a vulnerable/unavailable place when I could have fostered these relationships a long time ago.
It seems like most of my close friends over the years have been super social people who are frequently contacted by multiple friends throughout the day, have an overflowing social calendar, and make easy conversation with others in person or via social media that results in sustained connections. I’m deeply envious but have been unable to emulate their behavior. I'm on meds and have a great therapist and we talk about this a lot – what I’m looking for is inspirational anecdotes and actionable steps for reviving old friendships, crossing the acquaintance-to-friend barrier, and nurturing relationships that are fading away instead of just watching them die on the vine. I feel more than a little silly essentially asking for an instruction manual on making friends when I’ve successfully done it in the past, but constantly floundering at building more than a tenuous connection with other people is really starting to get to me and I don’t know how to defeat the cycle of overthinking and isolation that I’ve fallen into.
Never too late to connect, never too late to reach out, in my opinion.
I am someone who is horrible at keeping in touch and often fails to follow up with old/new friends and then months or even years go by and I send a sheepish text message or email along the lines of "i realized telepathy and unsent messages are probably a subpar way to keep in touch but am thinking of you [some random anecdote]."
Therefore I wouldn't feel guilty about reaching out right before surgery at all! I would be, in your shoes, very straightforward. "Am going to be house-bound/recovering from surgery for a few months and wanted to catch up with people I've lost touch with. It's been ages. [Reference something you both liked or did in the past.] Any chance you would be up for game of [codenamesgreen.com/Words With Friends/board game simulator] some evening next month?" I mention my sense of guilt for losing touch sometimes, but just lightly. Sometimes people go "OMG me too I'm the worst at reaching out but so glad you did!" You may have almost-friends who have similar anxieties as you and are overthinking things too!
For new acquaintances whom I want to cultivate closer ties, I invite them to join me for events/excursions I am already interested in going to and would likely go to by myself even if they decline the invitation, e.g. new exhibition at the local art museum or one night only performance by First Nations Performing Arts or even just the weekly farmers market. I'll usually suggest getting food or beverage before or after the event, somewhere near to the venue. This feels like a lower stakes invite than "let's go to brunch!" since there's already a ready-made topic of conversation. Obviously this is less ideal once you have your surgery and you may be more cautious re: public events, but perhaps there is time to extend one invitation a week?
Also if you haven't already checked out the Captain Awkward advice archives, there may be something there for you!
posted by spamandkimchi at 3:27 PM on September 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
I am someone who is horrible at keeping in touch and often fails to follow up with old/new friends and then months or even years go by and I send a sheepish text message or email along the lines of "i realized telepathy and unsent messages are probably a subpar way to keep in touch but am thinking of you [some random anecdote]."
Therefore I wouldn't feel guilty about reaching out right before surgery at all! I would be, in your shoes, very straightforward. "Am going to be house-bound/recovering from surgery for a few months and wanted to catch up with people I've lost touch with. It's been ages. [Reference something you both liked or did in the past.] Any chance you would be up for game of [codenamesgreen.com/Words With Friends/board game simulator] some evening next month?" I mention my sense of guilt for losing touch sometimes, but just lightly. Sometimes people go "OMG me too I'm the worst at reaching out but so glad you did!" You may have almost-friends who have similar anxieties as you and are overthinking things too!
For new acquaintances whom I want to cultivate closer ties, I invite them to join me for events/excursions I am already interested in going to and would likely go to by myself even if they decline the invitation, e.g. new exhibition at the local art museum or one night only performance by First Nations Performing Arts or even just the weekly farmers market. I'll usually suggest getting food or beverage before or after the event, somewhere near to the venue. This feels like a lower stakes invite than "let's go to brunch!" since there's already a ready-made topic of conversation. Obviously this is less ideal once you have your surgery and you may be more cautious re: public events, but perhaps there is time to extend one invitation a week?
Also if you haven't already checked out the Captain Awkward advice archives, there may be something there for you!
posted by spamandkimchi at 3:27 PM on September 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
In terms of actionable steps - it sounds like you're great at the first steps, and it's just converting that into something more concrete where you get anxious and don't see it through?
I don't know how helpful this is, but the thing that works for me at that stage, is to find something that I'd like to go to regardless of whether I'm with a friend or not, then mention that to them as if it's something I'm doing anyway and see if they're interested. Something like "Hey, I think I'm going to go and see [play/film/exhibition] - do you fancy it?". And using as casual a messaging format as is available - Messenger or text rather than a phone conversation, for example.
It somehow feels like it's less pressure on them - my trip to see it isn't contingent on them wanting to come along. And kind of makes you sound like a cool person with a life full of interesting excursions that they might get to be part of if they become your friend (regardless of how true that is or not!). And it also feels like it's less of a rejection of me if they don't want to come - maybe they just don't fancy that particular show, no worries, I've indicated to them that I'm up for hanging out so that's an achievement in itself.
In terms of maintaining friendship rather than having them wither away - I think, to an extent, maintaining friendship is work. Not in a bad way, but it is kind of a part time job. You have to be proactive at keeping on top of correspondence - sending small notes to people regularly; asking 'How's it going?'; remembering something they mentioned last time you spoke to them and checking in on them to see how it went; noticing if you've not heard from someone for a while and being the one to pick up the correspondence again. Your friends who are frequently contacted by multiple friends are also, without a doubt, contacting multiple friends frequently. And sometimes you do it even through periods of time when it feels like the other person isn't making enough reciprocal effort, but you value the friendship so you put in the effort anyway until they're more available.
In the past few months with the gradual shift back into more in-person stuff I've had a few rekindled friendships spark up as people have either reached out to me out of the blue, or I've reached out to them. Some have then died away again, others have properly sparked up and it's been lovely, but even the ones that haven't really flown, I've been delighted to hear from them again.
In a way, this weird sort-of-post-covid period is the ideal time to do it because everybody's social rules have been shaken up a bit. How would it be if you dug out the contacts for some of those friendships you've seen die on the vine and sent them short "Hey! I was just thinking about you the other day - how are things? I hope you're good." messages?
posted by penguin pie at 3:27 PM on September 5, 2022 [5 favorites]
I don't know how helpful this is, but the thing that works for me at that stage, is to find something that I'd like to go to regardless of whether I'm with a friend or not, then mention that to them as if it's something I'm doing anyway and see if they're interested. Something like "Hey, I think I'm going to go and see [play/film/exhibition] - do you fancy it?". And using as casual a messaging format as is available - Messenger or text rather than a phone conversation, for example.
It somehow feels like it's less pressure on them - my trip to see it isn't contingent on them wanting to come along. And kind of makes you sound like a cool person with a life full of interesting excursions that they might get to be part of if they become your friend (regardless of how true that is or not!). And it also feels like it's less of a rejection of me if they don't want to come - maybe they just don't fancy that particular show, no worries, I've indicated to them that I'm up for hanging out so that's an achievement in itself.
In terms of maintaining friendship rather than having them wither away - I think, to an extent, maintaining friendship is work. Not in a bad way, but it is kind of a part time job. You have to be proactive at keeping on top of correspondence - sending small notes to people regularly; asking 'How's it going?'; remembering something they mentioned last time you spoke to them and checking in on them to see how it went; noticing if you've not heard from someone for a while and being the one to pick up the correspondence again. Your friends who are frequently contacted by multiple friends are also, without a doubt, contacting multiple friends frequently. And sometimes you do it even through periods of time when it feels like the other person isn't making enough reciprocal effort, but you value the friendship so you put in the effort anyway until they're more available.
In the past few months with the gradual shift back into more in-person stuff I've had a few rekindled friendships spark up as people have either reached out to me out of the blue, or I've reached out to them. Some have then died away again, others have properly sparked up and it's been lovely, but even the ones that haven't really flown, I've been delighted to hear from them again.
In a way, this weird sort-of-post-covid period is the ideal time to do it because everybody's social rules have been shaken up a bit. How would it be if you dug out the contacts for some of those friendships you've seen die on the vine and sent them short "Hey! I was just thinking about you the other day - how are things? I hope you're good." messages?
posted by penguin pie at 3:27 PM on September 5, 2022 [5 favorites]
For the record your situation is very normal. Your friends were particularly popular; they're probably especially good at making connections and that's why you ended up being friends. Looking around me, most of my social circle has a handful of friends (often ones they made as teenagers!) and a larger group of acquaintances whom they invite to parties but don't usually see one-on-one.
A few things that might help:
Have a go-to option to invite new acquaintances to. This reduces the barriers to initiating plans. You can switch it up if something comes to mind which is especially appropriate to the person, but scope out a coffee shop or garden or museum or whatever which is widely appropriate.
If you hit it off with someone, a week after you get their number, ask them if they want to join you somewhere. Put it in your calendar so you don't need to think about it until then.
Asking for small favors, like borrowing a tool, can move a relationship forward.
RE reviving friendships that are fading, if you can get them to engage in a memorable or more emotionally intense activity together it can help. Something novel or physically challenging, for example.
posted by metasarah at 4:39 AM on September 6, 2022 [2 favorites]
A few things that might help:
Have a go-to option to invite new acquaintances to. This reduces the barriers to initiating plans. You can switch it up if something comes to mind which is especially appropriate to the person, but scope out a coffee shop or garden or museum or whatever which is widely appropriate.
If you hit it off with someone, a week after you get their number, ask them if they want to join you somewhere. Put it in your calendar so you don't need to think about it until then.
Asking for small favors, like borrowing a tool, can move a relationship forward.
RE reviving friendships that are fading, if you can get them to engage in a memorable or more emotionally intense activity together it can help. Something novel or physically challenging, for example.
posted by metasarah at 4:39 AM on September 6, 2022 [2 favorites]
Hey, this sounds A LOT like me a few years ago - specifically, the spiraling negative thoughts about contact and friendship that result in paralytic inaction.
What really helped me was getting on 5mg of Buspirone per day. Zero side effects, no more anxiety spirals. For me it was life-changing.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 11:05 AM on September 6, 2022
What really helped me was getting on 5mg of Buspirone per day. Zero side effects, no more anxiety spirals. For me it was life-changing.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 11:05 AM on September 6, 2022
> I do think that I have a lot to offer as a friend!
Of course you do! Now let's write those things down. Make a list. I'm serious. Write down in concrete terms what you have to offer as a friend.
You might end up with a list that looks like:
- I can make people laugh with my wacky sense of humor
- I am reliable and dependable, I won't flake on commitments or disappear in a friend's time of need
- I will hand-knit my friend's christmas presents
- I can show my friends how to fix their dishwasher
- I will go along with most plans friends make without fuss, because I am flexible
- I am very interested in a lot of different things, and love to listen to my friends explain their passions
Then you take each of these list items and methodically operationalize them.
- What's an activity that vibes with and shows off your wacky sense of humor? Invite your friends and do it together. Even something as low key as inviting people over for tea can be fucking hilarious with props or weird games or themed snacks.
- Be reliable and dependable as fuck, even on an everyday basis, even in the small ways. If a friend posts on social media that they're nervous about the cake they're baking, send a text three hours later asking to see the final product. If they were upset about their mail getting wet the last time you spoke, remember to stick a plastic bag around their mailbox the next time you go over. Since your strong suit is showing up, lean all the way into this aspect of who you are!
... and so on.
Do you see what I mean? Make your assets as a friend concrete in your own mind, and then work it.
posted by MiraK at 11:52 AM on September 6, 2022 [3 favorites]
Of course you do! Now let's write those things down. Make a list. I'm serious. Write down in concrete terms what you have to offer as a friend.
You might end up with a list that looks like:
- I can make people laugh with my wacky sense of humor
- I am reliable and dependable, I won't flake on commitments or disappear in a friend's time of need
- I will hand-knit my friend's christmas presents
- I can show my friends how to fix their dishwasher
- I will go along with most plans friends make without fuss, because I am flexible
- I am very interested in a lot of different things, and love to listen to my friends explain their passions
Then you take each of these list items and methodically operationalize them.
- What's an activity that vibes with and shows off your wacky sense of humor? Invite your friends and do it together. Even something as low key as inviting people over for tea can be fucking hilarious with props or weird games or themed snacks.
- Be reliable and dependable as fuck, even on an everyday basis, even in the small ways. If a friend posts on social media that they're nervous about the cake they're baking, send a text three hours later asking to see the final product. If they were upset about their mail getting wet the last time you spoke, remember to stick a plastic bag around their mailbox the next time you go over. Since your strong suit is showing up, lean all the way into this aspect of who you are!
... and so on.
Do you see what I mean? Make your assets as a friend concrete in your own mind, and then work it.
posted by MiraK at 11:52 AM on September 6, 2022 [3 favorites]
>Growing up I had one or two close friends most of the time
>I was relying on friendships that were superficial, and one where I only tolerated frustrating behavior due to a fear of being alone
>I’m too busy overanalyzing how soon is too soon to get in touch and what, if anything, to say to them in between hanging out again and what to suggest we do next time and on and on until so much time has passed it feels like it’s too late to connect.
>terrified of taking the initiative to communicate in case I’m misreading their interest level
>it helps that there are more formalized expectations towards how romantic relationships progress in the early stages
>I’m deeply envious but have been unable to emulate their behavior.
>asking for an instruction manual on making friends
>constantly floundering at building more than a tenuous connection with other people
Hey, this might be totally off base, and I'm sorry for reviving an old thread, but I wanted to bring it up just in case it resonates with you - these are all traits that are common in Autistic people, who often engage socially in different ways than allistic people, and who sometimes have a hard time making friends with neurotypical people. Internet resources about friendship made by, or targeted at, Autistic people may be helpful to you, and you might enjoy spending some time in Autistic spaces. It's also something you could bring up to your therapist if you want.
posted by spiderbeforesunset at 3:45 PM on December 29, 2022
>I was relying on friendships that were superficial, and one where I only tolerated frustrating behavior due to a fear of being alone
>I’m too busy overanalyzing how soon is too soon to get in touch and what, if anything, to say to them in between hanging out again and what to suggest we do next time and on and on until so much time has passed it feels like it’s too late to connect.
>terrified of taking the initiative to communicate in case I’m misreading their interest level
>it helps that there are more formalized expectations towards how romantic relationships progress in the early stages
>I’m deeply envious but have been unable to emulate their behavior.
>asking for an instruction manual on making friends
>constantly floundering at building more than a tenuous connection with other people
Hey, this might be totally off base, and I'm sorry for reviving an old thread, but I wanted to bring it up just in case it resonates with you - these are all traits that are common in Autistic people, who often engage socially in different ways than allistic people, and who sometimes have a hard time making friends with neurotypical people. Internet resources about friendship made by, or targeted at, Autistic people may be helpful to you, and you might enjoy spending some time in Autistic spaces. It's also something you could bring up to your therapist if you want.
posted by spiderbeforesunset at 3:45 PM on December 29, 2022
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posted by shadygrove at 3:00 PM on September 5, 2022 [2 favorites]