My friend is wonderful--but it takes her weeks to reply to texts.
September 14, 2022 1:11 PM Subscribe
My friend Rachel is one of the most truly kind, empathetic people I've known. The only problem is that she frequently will take weeks, even over a month, to reply to texts. She says she knows it's a problem and she's working on it, but it only seems to get worse. What should I do?
Rachel has always been a source of empathy and support and good humor for me. We're both child-free women in our early 40's. We're both writers, we have similar health troubles, and neither one of us works in a traditional way. While we both have other friends locally, our friendship is special because we have important things n common. But one big difference is that she's introverted and I'm extroverted. I know that she needs alone time to recharge and I accept that. But regularly disappearing for around a month and not even sending a quick hello seems like more than that.
I'm not barraging her with messages or asking her for things.For instance other day i read about a fistfight at the library she used to work at, so I texted her that (and really, who wouldn't be curious?). I've texted twice in the past few weeks, nothing huge, but some reply or contact would be good. If I'm really down or struggling, she will respond right away and be a great listener. I just want to talk to my friend without having to be in crisis.
The cycle has been going that we'll hang out and have a great time, and she'll be more responsive a few days. Then she'll go dark for weeks, invite me to coffee, and it all repeats. I want to break the cycle somehow.
Also, when she's away so long, I worry that something is wrong with her or that she's mad at me. She reassured me that she'll always bring things up if she's mad, but I still take it personally after weeks go by. I realize that people have different ideas about stress and the scope of projects, and someone may not be all that social at those times. But when it turns out she went off-grid because she's planting a garden, I struggle to make sense of why that'd keep her away.
We talked about this once earlier this year. She totally agreed with me and said it had been a problem in a lot of her relationships. She said she was working on it. Things were a little better at first, but then this all repeated, even worse. I don't think she knows exactly how painful it is to me to keep doing this cycle or has an awareness of how long she goes dark. I realize she may not be at a point where she can change that, even if she wants to. At first I'd send a note just making sure all was well, but now I don't feel like that's my responsibility to shoulder every time.
i don't want to throw away a very special friendship, but it's become agonizing to have so many periods like this. And I do respect that she needs time alone, and I'm happy to give her that. It's just that it goes on for so long, and it does that so often. I don't feel great about bringing this up again and I'm not sure what to say if I did. Of course, I still will if need be. I've considered things like having some steady meeting or phone chat or whatever, but I know us well enough to know it won't work.
How have you handled similar situations? Did anything make this easier?
Rachel has always been a source of empathy and support and good humor for me. We're both child-free women in our early 40's. We're both writers, we have similar health troubles, and neither one of us works in a traditional way. While we both have other friends locally, our friendship is special because we have important things n common. But one big difference is that she's introverted and I'm extroverted. I know that she needs alone time to recharge and I accept that. But regularly disappearing for around a month and not even sending a quick hello seems like more than that.
I'm not barraging her with messages or asking her for things.For instance other day i read about a fistfight at the library she used to work at, so I texted her that (and really, who wouldn't be curious?). I've texted twice in the past few weeks, nothing huge, but some reply or contact would be good. If I'm really down or struggling, she will respond right away and be a great listener. I just want to talk to my friend without having to be in crisis.
The cycle has been going that we'll hang out and have a great time, and she'll be more responsive a few days. Then she'll go dark for weeks, invite me to coffee, and it all repeats. I want to break the cycle somehow.
Also, when she's away so long, I worry that something is wrong with her or that she's mad at me. She reassured me that she'll always bring things up if she's mad, but I still take it personally after weeks go by. I realize that people have different ideas about stress and the scope of projects, and someone may not be all that social at those times. But when it turns out she went off-grid because she's planting a garden, I struggle to make sense of why that'd keep her away.
We talked about this once earlier this year. She totally agreed with me and said it had been a problem in a lot of her relationships. She said she was working on it. Things were a little better at first, but then this all repeated, even worse. I don't think she knows exactly how painful it is to me to keep doing this cycle or has an awareness of how long she goes dark. I realize she may not be at a point where she can change that, even if she wants to. At first I'd send a note just making sure all was well, but now I don't feel like that's my responsibility to shoulder every time.
i don't want to throw away a very special friendship, but it's become agonizing to have so many periods like this. And I do respect that she needs time alone, and I'm happy to give her that. It's just that it goes on for so long, and it does that so often. I don't feel great about bringing this up again and I'm not sure what to say if I did. Of course, I still will if need be. I've considered things like having some steady meeting or phone chat or whatever, but I know us well enough to know it won't work.
How have you handled similar situations? Did anything make this easier?
Maybe the problem is texting? Try email. Try picking up the phone for a quick call.
Personally, I absolutely despise texting. The only people I text are ones that (mistakenly) assume it's okay to text me (when it truly isn't), and even then my responses are slow and curt. I will never, of my own free will, initiate a text with anybody.
Texting feels like such an imposition that demands an IMMEDIATE (if not sooner) answer. I don't appreciate that kind of pressure. I also hate typing on my phone, and I'm at my computer, with my email open, more hours of the day than are honestly healthy, so just email me.
Maybe she's like me and is just not a texting person.
posted by sardonyx at 1:26 PM on September 14, 2022 [22 favorites]
Personally, I absolutely despise texting. The only people I text are ones that (mistakenly) assume it's okay to text me (when it truly isn't), and even then my responses are slow and curt. I will never, of my own free will, initiate a text with anybody.
Texting feels like such an imposition that demands an IMMEDIATE (if not sooner) answer. I don't appreciate that kind of pressure. I also hate typing on my phone, and I'm at my computer, with my email open, more hours of the day than are honestly healthy, so just email me.
Maybe she's like me and is just not a texting person.
posted by sardonyx at 1:26 PM on September 14, 2022 [22 favorites]
What if you told her that it means a lot to you just to know that she's doing ok every day, because she's an important presence in your life? You can give examples of (EXTREMELY LOW EFFORT) ways for her to participate in a small but meaningful exchange for you, with the promise that it doesn't have to turn into A Thing when she needs her introvert quiet time.
Like there are so many people in my life who deserve more than a thumbs up emoji, but what if all I feel like I can do today is a thumbs up emoji? Would that be ok with you?
I have one particular friend who she and I do a lot of texting past each other. She'll send a photo her cat or a funny meme or share a multi paragraph story from work and I'll be like "đ±" and then two days later I'll live blog my trip to Costco to her and she'll be like "baahahahaha" a day later and it's only once in a blue moon we're actually texting each other at the same time talking about something, let alone seeing each other in person. But it works for us.
There are a lot of ways to communicate, and communication can mean a lot of different things to each different person. If it's very important for you to get some kind of communication from your friend, I think it's ok to state your needs. But it also needs to be ok for you to hear her boundaries and respect them. Maybe that means your friendship needs to evolve, only you can say.
posted by phunniemee at 1:31 PM on September 14, 2022 [9 favorites]
Like there are so many people in my life who deserve more than a thumbs up emoji, but what if all I feel like I can do today is a thumbs up emoji? Would that be ok with you?
I have one particular friend who she and I do a lot of texting past each other. She'll send a photo her cat or a funny meme or share a multi paragraph story from work and I'll be like "đ±" and then two days later I'll live blog my trip to Costco to her and she'll be like "baahahahaha" a day later and it's only once in a blue moon we're actually texting each other at the same time talking about something, let alone seeing each other in person. But it works for us.
There are a lot of ways to communicate, and communication can mean a lot of different things to each different person. If it's very important for you to get some kind of communication from your friend, I think it's ok to state your needs. But it also needs to be ok for you to hear her boundaries and respect them. Maybe that means your friendship needs to evolve, only you can say.
posted by phunniemee at 1:31 PM on September 14, 2022 [9 favorites]
She's
1. not a texter (maybe she likes other forms of contact, like email or phone calls, or maybe she's just a very face to face sort of person)
2. not mad at you, but you just don't have the kind of friendship where you have daily chats.
Could be 1, or 2, or a mix of both.
posted by kingdead at 1:33 PM on September 14, 2022 [11 favorites]
1. not a texter (maybe she likes other forms of contact, like email or phone calls, or maybe she's just a very face to face sort of person)
2. not mad at you, but you just don't have the kind of friendship where you have daily chats.
Could be 1, or 2, or a mix of both.
posted by kingdead at 1:33 PM on September 14, 2022 [11 favorites]
I am also introverted, and inclined to get absorbed in personal projects, and have gotten more so since the exhaustion and stress of pandemic hit. Unless we are talking more than a month between contacts with your friend, this cycle sounds pretty normal to me and my circle. It might just be that you need more ongoing connection with friends than she does, and there's nothing wrong with that. However, you're unlikely to get that from her, and if she's anything like me, pressing her will just make her less likely to want to see you.
If you want to continue the friendship, I'd recommend giving some thought to how you can move from resentment/hurt to self-protection. The first step is to accept that this is how your friend is, that she is not being that way to hurt you, and that she is unlikely to change. Next, give some thought to what bothers you most about this pattern. To me, it seems that the wait bothers you, but you've known her long enough to see the pattern in her interactions with you. If you know that you probably won't hear from her for three weeks after a connection, then you could mark that time in your calendar, and only reach out to her if more time than that passes. Focus on other stuff in the meantime. If you're busy with your own stuff and know what your parameters are, you will be less likely to be hurt by her silence.
I suggest, though, that it would be a good idea to broaden your social network if you can. The level of engagement you seem to want is not wrong, and there are many people who would be happy to have that kind of friendship with you.
posted by rpfields at 1:35 PM on September 14, 2022 [28 favorites]
If you want to continue the friendship, I'd recommend giving some thought to how you can move from resentment/hurt to self-protection. The first step is to accept that this is how your friend is, that she is not being that way to hurt you, and that she is unlikely to change. Next, give some thought to what bothers you most about this pattern. To me, it seems that the wait bothers you, but you've known her long enough to see the pattern in her interactions with you. If you know that you probably won't hear from her for three weeks after a connection, then you could mark that time in your calendar, and only reach out to her if more time than that passes. Focus on other stuff in the meantime. If you're busy with your own stuff and know what your parameters are, you will be less likely to be hurt by her silence.
I suggest, though, that it would be a good idea to broaden your social network if you can. The level of engagement you seem to want is not wrong, and there are many people who would be happy to have that kind of friendship with you.
posted by rpfields at 1:35 PM on September 14, 2022 [28 favorites]
It seems like texting is not at all rewarding for her but you want her to do it anyway. It sounds like she IS making the effort to see you fairly regularly though. Is there a way for you to accept that she doesn't want text, and that doesn't mean there is a problem?
What prevents you from being able to set up a once monthly coffee date? You say it won't work, but is that on your end or hers or both? Are the barriers surmountable, and would it reduce your insecurities?
posted by metasarah at 1:36 PM on September 14, 2022 [17 favorites]
What prevents you from being able to set up a once monthly coffee date? You say it won't work, but is that on your end or hers or both? Are the barriers surmountable, and would it reduce your insecurities?
posted by metasarah at 1:36 PM on September 14, 2022 [17 favorites]
I think you should just accept that she doesn't like to text. Why does she need to respond with details about a fistfight? If that were me, I wouldn't want to try to explain an event in a text. That sounds exhausting.
Sounds like texting would be good for maybe setting up coffee or other dates, but not for conversations. Save the convo for in-person.
posted by hydra77 at 1:37 PM on September 14, 2022 [11 favorites]
Sounds like texting would be good for maybe setting up coffee or other dates, but not for conversations. Save the convo for in-person.
posted by hydra77 at 1:37 PM on September 14, 2022 [11 favorites]
I have a friend like this and I just mentally reframe sending her a text as being equivalent to mailing her a postcard or letter. Itâs kind of refreshing when I think of it that way.
posted by in a dark glassly at 1:38 PM on September 14, 2022 [62 favorites]
posted by in a dark glassly at 1:38 PM on September 14, 2022 [62 favorites]
If you need contact in real time can you meet/call/text by appointment? Arrange the time in advance. I use this method with a relative who is otherwise tricky to stay in touch with.
Or you could switch off your real-time expectations by using snail-mail. That won't resolve your concerns for their welfare so much but would take the pressure off, maybe.
posted by Coaticass at 1:40 PM on September 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
Or you could switch off your real-time expectations by using snail-mail. That won't resolve your concerns for their welfare so much but would take the pressure off, maybe.
posted by Coaticass at 1:40 PM on September 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
It sounds like this is someone who just isnât going to text with you - itâs not a good communication medium for this friendship. What if you switched to emails, or phone calls, or Twitter DMs, or whatever works to meet her where she actually is? Or what if you accepted that the pattern of this friendship is that you enjoy time spent together every month but donât chat much in between? Maybe that would not be a friendship style that works for you, but itâs worth considering whether you could just enjoy this for what it is if you werenât trying to make it be something else.
One alternative - I think Iâm a lot like your friend. A monthly hangout is a lot for me, and I definitely wouldnât text a lot in between! But I can keep up an email or twitter chat semi regularly. And I have one friend I see every other week because we have an agreed upon regular lunch date that doesnât require any effort for either of us to maintain beyond checking in that morning to say âwhere shall we meet for lunch?â I wonder if you might have some success seeing her more if you set it up like that, as a regular recurring event. Sometimes that can be easier to work with for an introvert than a one-off.
posted by Stacey at 1:40 PM on September 14, 2022 [5 favorites]
One alternative - I think Iâm a lot like your friend. A monthly hangout is a lot for me, and I definitely wouldnât text a lot in between! But I can keep up an email or twitter chat semi regularly. And I have one friend I see every other week because we have an agreed upon regular lunch date that doesnât require any effort for either of us to maintain beyond checking in that morning to say âwhere shall we meet for lunch?â I wonder if you might have some success seeing her more if you set it up like that, as a regular recurring event. Sometimes that can be easier to work with for an introvert than a one-off.
posted by Stacey at 1:40 PM on September 14, 2022 [5 favorites]
Oh, I forgot to add - checking in to see if all is well if you havenât heard from someone in a few weeks is definitely not anything you should or need to do with someone you know isnât a big communicator and doesnât chat much. Absolve yourself of any perceived need to do this immediately. I think both you and your friend will be happier for it.
posted by Stacey at 1:42 PM on September 14, 2022 [13 favorites]
posted by Stacey at 1:42 PM on September 14, 2022 [13 favorites]
Seems like you just have different expectations of this friendship. Like... You're not married to her! If the level of friendship she wants is one where you just see each other once a month or whatever, and you'd rather be texting it up every day, I don't understand why it's on her to meet your expectations rather than the other way round.
Coffee once a month is a higher frequency of friendship than I have with most of my friends!
posted by quacks like a duck at 1:43 PM on September 14, 2022 [34 favorites]
Coffee once a month is a higher frequency of friendship than I have with most of my friends!
posted by quacks like a duck at 1:43 PM on September 14, 2022 [34 favorites]
You've already communicated that you'd like more regular contact. You need to accept that she may not be able to accommodate your needs, either consistently or at all, in this regard.
You also seem to be taking it very personally when she is slow to respond, even when she has told you specifically that she would communicate it to you if she was upset, and you already know she is a slow texter with everyone. This is 100% on you to deal with and regulate on your own.
It sounds like you are depending on her for a level of interaction she's not able to give you, and it's distressing you quite a bit. I suggest for you to seek other avenues of getting those needs met, such as cultivating deeper friendships with others, instead of placing that solely on the shoulders of a friend who can't always provide the level of connection you need. Try to let go of the stories you are telling yourself about her texting habit being your fault or something you can control. Work on accepting her for how she is, and you will enjoy your friendship a lot more.
posted by ananci at 1:44 PM on September 14, 2022 [13 favorites]
You also seem to be taking it very personally when she is slow to respond, even when she has told you specifically that she would communicate it to you if she was upset, and you already know she is a slow texter with everyone. This is 100% on you to deal with and regulate on your own.
It sounds like you are depending on her for a level of interaction she's not able to give you, and it's distressing you quite a bit. I suggest for you to seek other avenues of getting those needs met, such as cultivating deeper friendships with others, instead of placing that solely on the shoulders of a friend who can't always provide the level of connection you need. Try to let go of the stories you are telling yourself about her texting habit being your fault or something you can control. Work on accepting her for how she is, and you will enjoy your friendship a lot more.
posted by ananci at 1:44 PM on September 14, 2022 [13 favorites]
I honestly think you'll feel better about this if you just accept her for who she is. She reaches out to you, so this doesn't sound like just lack of interest on her part. Her response time seems to have been consistent, and it seems to be part of her communication style. Is it still worth it to you to be friends if this is part of the package? I've had several friends like this, and when I've just accepted that communication delays are part of their deal, and evaluated the friendship for what it is (not what I imagine it could be), it's been really helpful for me.
In some cases, my relationship with them is worthwhile even if it is sporadic. In these cases, I've learned to reach out every so often without expectation of return, and I always feel happy when I hear from them (it's the same lovely surprise feeling as when you get an unexpected gift in the mail). We occasionally meet up and hang out and I cherish that time -- but I don't have unrealistic expectations that torment me during the in-betweens.
With other folks, I've found that the response time issue was just part of a bigger chasing dynamic that I didn't like and didn't feel worth my time -- so I just stopped chasing. Now if I run into those folks, it's nice, but I'm not really seeking it out anymore -- in other words, they've been downgraded to acquaintance, which seems to work for all parties.
I found that a lot of the angst of these situations was coming from my own expectations -- thus, it was under my control. By changing my expectations, I changed my experience. I wish you luck with the same.
posted by ourobouros at 1:47 PM on September 14, 2022 [3 favorites]
In some cases, my relationship with them is worthwhile even if it is sporadic. In these cases, I've learned to reach out every so often without expectation of return, and I always feel happy when I hear from them (it's the same lovely surprise feeling as when you get an unexpected gift in the mail). We occasionally meet up and hang out and I cherish that time -- but I don't have unrealistic expectations that torment me during the in-betweens.
With other folks, I've found that the response time issue was just part of a bigger chasing dynamic that I didn't like and didn't feel worth my time -- so I just stopped chasing. Now if I run into those folks, it's nice, but I'm not really seeking it out anymore -- in other words, they've been downgraded to acquaintance, which seems to work for all parties.
I found that a lot of the angst of these situations was coming from my own expectations -- thus, it was under my control. By changing my expectations, I changed my experience. I wish you luck with the same.
posted by ourobouros at 1:47 PM on September 14, 2022 [3 favorites]
Hey, you do realize that, in any historical context, it is not Rachel but you who holds truly weird expectations about how correspondence ought to work?
During the past decade or two we've suddenly acclimated to a hideous new convention that tells us it's somehow rude to take more than an hour or two before writing back. But in your own youth you were accustomed to a system where you'd write a return letter whenever you got around to it, and not expect a reply for weeks. For years, John and Abigail sustained an excellent relationship entirely by correspondence that took months to cross the Atlantic.
Exhale and live slower for Hermes's sake.
(What a frenzied, cokehead world we've made.)
posted by foursentences at 1:50 PM on September 14, 2022 [54 favorites]
During the past decade or two we've suddenly acclimated to a hideous new convention that tells us it's somehow rude to take more than an hour or two before writing back. But in your own youth you were accustomed to a system where you'd write a return letter whenever you got around to it, and not expect a reply for weeks. For years, John and Abigail sustained an excellent relationship entirely by correspondence that took months to cross the Atlantic.
Exhale and live slower for Hermes's sake.
(What a frenzied, cokehead world we've made.)
posted by foursentences at 1:50 PM on September 14, 2022 [54 favorites]
I think you need to give up on this. She's a bad texter and she's not going to change. How many times can you talk this out and get nowhere? Either you communicate in whatever modality works for her (unclear from this if there is one?), or you just...let it go and only talk when she contacts you. I was railing for a year or two about trying to stay in contact with people during pandemic and well, frankly, the only thing that worked is letting it go and stopping trying. I haven't seen one friend in about a year and she can't manage to text (her modality is Facebook, so the only way I can get a response is if I respond to her posts) and when she's free, I'm not and vice versa and...I give up. I can't fight the tide. I can't get this to work for both of us. I let it go. If we ever reconnect in the future, maybe, but it just makes me nuts to keep trying and failing.
But when it turns out she went off-grid because she's planting a garden, I struggle to make sense of why that'd keep her away.
I certainly do not understand the logic behind this at all either, but it is what it is. She doesn't wanna. Can't, won't, don't, whatever. She's not going to change on this after all this time and talking it out.
Related article on the topic.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:58 PM on September 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
But when it turns out she went off-grid because she's planting a garden, I struggle to make sense of why that'd keep her away.
I certainly do not understand the logic behind this at all either, but it is what it is. She doesn't wanna. Can't, won't, don't, whatever. She's not going to change on this after all this time and talking it out.
Related article on the topic.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:58 PM on September 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
She doesn't just need time to recharge, she needs to not be "on call" to reply to your texts. Plenty of my introverted social anxiety comes from people coming at me with no notice expecting social activity, even as small as a text or email. If I know something is coming up, it is not usually big deal. Surprise interaction can easily become a big problem for me. I don't know why it is this way, but it took me a long time to even realize the surprise factor was an issue.
Framing this as her "going dark" is not going to work for your relationship. Stop expecting replies to your texts unless you are planning a meet up. I think confronting her again in any way about this will only shame her and not improve the issue.
posted by soelo at 2:02 PM on September 14, 2022 [23 favorites]
Framing this as her "going dark" is not going to work for your relationship. Stop expecting replies to your texts unless you are planning a meet up. I think confronting her again in any way about this will only shame her and not improve the issue.
posted by soelo at 2:02 PM on September 14, 2022 [23 favorites]
I am very much like your friend. I've had otherwise lovely friendships/relationships end basically over incompatibilities around this, so I think on some level, you need to ask yourself whether this is something that's a dealbreaker or not, can cut things off if it is. I've had people be upfront about the fact that this style of communication does not work for them, and that's much better than harboring resentment about it and having it become a whole Thing later.
Some things that may work:
posted by wesleyac at 2:02 PM on September 14, 2022 [8 favorites]
Some things that may work:
- Have a regular scheduled in-person interaction (you say you know this won't work, but⊠why? It seems worth trying)
- Change the medium of interaction that you use (email, phone call, snail mail, etc) â this doesn't seem super likely but can help for some people
- Tell her that it's upsetting to you when you don't get a response, so you're going to stop texting her, but you still would enjoy hanging out when she has the time and space for it, and she should feel free to reach out to you (only do this if you will actually be able to emotionally deal with a relationship like this, though)
- Find a shared activity that happens regularly (a class, sport, etc) you both enjoy or would like to try, and try doing it together, and don't try to interact other than in that context
- It's possible that you feel a lot closer to her than she does to you. If that's what's happening, there may not be a fix other than scaling back what you expect from her by a lot. You should consider this, and maybe ask mutual friends if they think this is happening, if there are any who you'd feel comfortable asking.
- Checking in with someone about whether they're okay because you haven't heard from them is more something you do for yourself than you do for them, in the majority of cases. I have a couple of friends who I would feel neutral-to-positive about checking in like that, but the vast majority of the time it would feel like a imposition that I do not want. And the friends I have who I would feel okay about receiving messages like this from mostly realize that I have these feelings, and so send out messages that are more like "hey I'm thinking of you and hope you're well <3" than "hey are you okay?", since they understand that it's much easier to receive and interact with the former than the latter, for me.
posted by wesleyac at 2:02 PM on September 14, 2022 [8 favorites]
I have a really hard time keeping up with correspondence of any kind. I am usually able to answer a phone call even if I'm not in any shape to answer a text message, so it kind of sucks that calling is out of fashion these days. Ask her if you can try calling her occasionally (although - not at a high frequency) and see how it goes?
As an introvert with multiple energy-sapping health problems, I find once a month a pretty impressive rate. I have extroverted healthy friends who take that long to reply to messages, and I've learned that's just how they are.
But when it turns out she went off-grid because she's planting a garden, I struggle to make sense of why that'd keep her away.
I can't speak for her, but in my own case I'm not usually able to do more than one thing at a time even on good days. Just a decent-length coversation over any medium can wipe me out for the rest of the day and even the next. I want to prioritize relationships, but if I prioritize them too much I literally can't take care of anything else. So I have to make room for those things. This is heartbreakingly true now that my health is bad, but it was true (if to a much lesser extent) even when I was much younger.
I know you say this hurts you, but as someone on the other side, I really hope people around me don't take it personally. It would make me so happy if I could keep in touch with people more.
posted by trig at 2:11 PM on September 14, 2022 [7 favorites]
As an introvert with multiple energy-sapping health problems, I find once a month a pretty impressive rate. I have extroverted healthy friends who take that long to reply to messages, and I've learned that's just how they are.
But when it turns out she went off-grid because she's planting a garden, I struggle to make sense of why that'd keep her away.
I can't speak for her, but in my own case I'm not usually able to do more than one thing at a time even on good days. Just a decent-length coversation over any medium can wipe me out for the rest of the day and even the next. I want to prioritize relationships, but if I prioritize them too much I literally can't take care of anything else. So I have to make room for those things. This is heartbreakingly true now that my health is bad, but it was true (if to a much lesser extent) even when I was much younger.
I know you say this hurts you, but as someone on the other side, I really hope people around me don't take it personally. It would make me so happy if I could keep in touch with people more.
posted by trig at 2:11 PM on September 14, 2022 [7 favorites]
I am a Rachel. If I see a text from a friend that is urgent, I will answer right away if I can. If I see a text that is more âcheck out this thing,â I will sometimes take days or weeks to respond. But the speed of my reply to non-urgent texts has absolutely nothing to do with how much I care about the person texting me. Instead, it has everything to do with me: my current emotional reserves, the state of my executive function, my health, my schedule, how many other people I have already talked to that day, etc. For instance, I can absolutely understand how planting a garden could take up all of oneâs leisure time executive function & energy, especially if that process involves not just research but also errands around town, being in crowds and talking to strangers, long periods of time outside with hands that are literally too dirty to type with, etc. That is exactly the kind of project that would drain me of âreplying to textsâ energy/ability.
Fwiw, asynchronous & delayed texts plus seeing friends (or having phone chats) once a month or so is a very normal friendship dynamic in my world of late 30s/early 40s mostly kid-free people with creative/academic jobs. Rachel has already communicated to you that this is just her way, too, and that there is nothing to worry about (let alone agonize about) if she doesnât text you back. Unless there are some extenuating circumstances you havenât shared, I think the level of concern you have over her lack of response is disproportionate to the situation. Perhaps journaling, therapy, or meditating on your feelings could bring some clarity about why you find this dynamic so painful.
I donât mean to imply that itâs wrong to want to have more frequent contact than you doâthe other replies here clearly show how wide the range is on what people want/needâbut just to say that disappointment might be a more typical response than intense worry and pain, and that maybe digging deeper into your own feelings will give you more guidance on how you might proceed.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 2:35 PM on September 14, 2022 [23 favorites]
Fwiw, asynchronous & delayed texts plus seeing friends (or having phone chats) once a month or so is a very normal friendship dynamic in my world of late 30s/early 40s mostly kid-free people with creative/academic jobs. Rachel has already communicated to you that this is just her way, too, and that there is nothing to worry about (let alone agonize about) if she doesnât text you back. Unless there are some extenuating circumstances you havenât shared, I think the level of concern you have over her lack of response is disproportionate to the situation. Perhaps journaling, therapy, or meditating on your feelings could bring some clarity about why you find this dynamic so painful.
I donât mean to imply that itâs wrong to want to have more frequent contact than you doâthe other replies here clearly show how wide the range is on what people want/needâbut just to say that disappointment might be a more typical response than intense worry and pain, and that maybe digging deeper into your own feelings will give you more guidance on how you might proceed.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 2:35 PM on September 14, 2022 [23 favorites]
And I do respect that she needs time alone, and I'm happy to give her that.
ARE you? It sounds like you are in fact deeply miserable about giving her the time alone that she needs.
It's just that it goes on for so long, and it does that so often.
It goes on for as long as she needs, as often as she needs it. It's longer, and more often, than you would need, and certainly more than you enjoy, but there is nothing wrong with it. It's understandable, when you have so much in common with someone, to assume that they have the same kind of time, energy, and demands that you do, but that simply isn't always the case.
It seems like you want a relationship that involves daily- or near-daily conversations. This isn't unrealistic as a desire in itself, and I hope you aren't feeling from the comments here like that's not a possible relationship to have at all. But it is not a possibility with this person. She's been pretty clear that she knows this isn't what people prefer, and also that she's kind of done everything she can about it.
(Also, just because it really struck me-- Starting a garden is a HUGE undertaking--way more than just tending one. It's hugely physical and you mention she has health problems, so uh, yeah, not remotely surprising she'd be low on energy. Heck I have no health problems and am generally sociable but i've been doing apartment renovations, and those things require focus and both hands and not being on my phone. They also take a long-ass time. People are not getting as many texts from me as usual.)
If it's too painful to have a friendship that feels intermittent, ironically, the simplest way to make it feel better or break the cycle is to...stop having the intermittent contact as well. But if you are unwilling to end the friendship, all you can do is work within yourself or with a therapist, perhaps, on managing and identifying and redirecting the feelings this is bringing up.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:52 PM on September 14, 2022 [9 favorites]
ARE you? It sounds like you are in fact deeply miserable about giving her the time alone that she needs.
It's just that it goes on for so long, and it does that so often.
It goes on for as long as she needs, as often as she needs it. It's longer, and more often, than you would need, and certainly more than you enjoy, but there is nothing wrong with it. It's understandable, when you have so much in common with someone, to assume that they have the same kind of time, energy, and demands that you do, but that simply isn't always the case.
It seems like you want a relationship that involves daily- or near-daily conversations. This isn't unrealistic as a desire in itself, and I hope you aren't feeling from the comments here like that's not a possible relationship to have at all. But it is not a possibility with this person. She's been pretty clear that she knows this isn't what people prefer, and also that she's kind of done everything she can about it.
(Also, just because it really struck me-- Starting a garden is a HUGE undertaking--way more than just tending one. It's hugely physical and you mention she has health problems, so uh, yeah, not remotely surprising she'd be low on energy. Heck I have no health problems and am generally sociable but i've been doing apartment renovations, and those things require focus and both hands and not being on my phone. They also take a long-ass time. People are not getting as many texts from me as usual.)
If it's too painful to have a friendship that feels intermittent, ironically, the simplest way to make it feel better or break the cycle is to...stop having the intermittent contact as well. But if you are unwilling to end the friendship, all you can do is work within yourself or with a therapist, perhaps, on managing and identifying and redirecting the feelings this is bringing up.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:52 PM on September 14, 2022 [9 favorites]
I'd be Rachel.
I think either you work towards accepting this or you move on. Here's what I would feel like if I read your question about me.
1. I would totally get why it's a problem for you. I have had friendships fade for this reason and I know it's about the incompatible communication styles. That said, just as you have shared your thoughts about these things mine would be:
My friend Rachel is one of the most truly kind, empathetic people I've known.
If that's true then why are you assuming unkindness rather than a real struggle in her texting patterns?
But one big difference is that she's introverted and I'm extroverted. I know that she needs alone time to recharge and I accept that. But regularly disappearing for around a month and not even sending a quick hello seems like more than that.
I think -- being married to a serious introvert -- it's not about "alone time to recharge FROM ME" it's about "alone time to recharge from the ENTIRE WORLD that is built for extroverts." So some months, for my husband -- especially when he's having to do a lot of communication/emotional labour at work -- he really is that burnt out.
Plus it's probably not just your text, it's a stack of deferred communication. If she's communicating with editors etc. that can be exhausting.
If I'm really down or struggling, she will respond right away and be a great listener. I just want to talk to my friend without having to be in crisis.
To me this directly relates to the 'recharge' issue. If she knows you really really need her, she wants to be there enough to ignore her own tiredness/need to recharge/anxiety. Having said that, I think the way you put this is lovely and I would encourage you to set some kind of regular "write together on Zoom" time or something where you can low key hang.
Also, when she's away so long, I worry that something is wrong with her or that she's mad at me. She reassured me that she'll always bring things up if she's mad, but I still take it personally after weeks go by.
You are not alone! But if you can't shift this I think it does spell doom a bit because...she isn't in a gutter bleeding out nor is she mad at you. It isn't in her thoughts.
But when it turns out she went off-grid because she's planting a garden, I struggle to make sense of why that'd keep her away.
I am so like this! When I'm in creating space, even like, folding laundry creating space, it is not the space in my mind where I think of my friends. Especially if it's so physical. I could speculate on the reasons for it but it is kind of like being in a flow-state. I occasionally remember to post pictures but for me being in nature or gardening or cleaning or painting walls is really private.
How have you handled similar situations? Did anything make this easier?
For me it really is about scheduling regular (like once a month or every other week) hangouts of one kind or another. Then it's firmly in "I'm committed to time with this person" space and not in the "100s of things come at me every day" space.
posted by warriorqueen at 2:55 PM on September 14, 2022 [12 favorites]
I think either you work towards accepting this or you move on. Here's what I would feel like if I read your question about me.
1. I would totally get why it's a problem for you. I have had friendships fade for this reason and I know it's about the incompatible communication styles. That said, just as you have shared your thoughts about these things mine would be:
My friend Rachel is one of the most truly kind, empathetic people I've known.
If that's true then why are you assuming unkindness rather than a real struggle in her texting patterns?
But one big difference is that she's introverted and I'm extroverted. I know that she needs alone time to recharge and I accept that. But regularly disappearing for around a month and not even sending a quick hello seems like more than that.
I think -- being married to a serious introvert -- it's not about "alone time to recharge FROM ME" it's about "alone time to recharge from the ENTIRE WORLD that is built for extroverts." So some months, for my husband -- especially when he's having to do a lot of communication/emotional labour at work -- he really is that burnt out.
Plus it's probably not just your text, it's a stack of deferred communication. If she's communicating with editors etc. that can be exhausting.
If I'm really down or struggling, she will respond right away and be a great listener. I just want to talk to my friend without having to be in crisis.
To me this directly relates to the 'recharge' issue. If she knows you really really need her, she wants to be there enough to ignore her own tiredness/need to recharge/anxiety. Having said that, I think the way you put this is lovely and I would encourage you to set some kind of regular "write together on Zoom" time or something where you can low key hang.
Also, when she's away so long, I worry that something is wrong with her or that she's mad at me. She reassured me that she'll always bring things up if she's mad, but I still take it personally after weeks go by.
You are not alone! But if you can't shift this I think it does spell doom a bit because...she isn't in a gutter bleeding out nor is she mad at you. It isn't in her thoughts.
But when it turns out she went off-grid because she's planting a garden, I struggle to make sense of why that'd keep her away.
I am so like this! When I'm in creating space, even like, folding laundry creating space, it is not the space in my mind where I think of my friends. Especially if it's so physical. I could speculate on the reasons for it but it is kind of like being in a flow-state. I occasionally remember to post pictures but for me being in nature or gardening or cleaning or painting walls is really private.
How have you handled similar situations? Did anything make this easier?
For me it really is about scheduling regular (like once a month or every other week) hangouts of one kind or another. Then it's firmly in "I'm committed to time with this person" space and not in the "100s of things come at me every day" space.
posted by warriorqueen at 2:55 PM on September 14, 2022 [12 favorites]
Hi I am also just like your friend and I don't know how to be any other way. It is just how I function as a person. I am here to say that it sounds like your friend is trying her best. You should try to remind yourself that she is already aware of the dynamic and she probably feels awful about it.
First: please know that your friend is probably like this with everyone in her life. The only humans I talk to as often as you talk to Rachel are my husband who lives with me and my mom. It still is way too much for me sometimes and I withdraw.
Gardening is hard work. Like really really hard. Particularly planting a brand new garden. She may have been working all day every day that week just to get it done. After a day of hard work outside, most people are beat. Do not take her gardening personally or assume she is making weird excuses.
One thing my friends that really struggle with this do that makes it easier for them: They don't text me as often. This is totally cool with me when it happens. But mostly I think you should try to accept and love your friend for who she is.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 3:01 PM on September 14, 2022 [8 favorites]
First: please know that your friend is probably like this with everyone in her life. The only humans I talk to as often as you talk to Rachel are my husband who lives with me and my mom. It still is way too much for me sometimes and I withdraw.
Gardening is hard work. Like really really hard. Particularly planting a brand new garden. She may have been working all day every day that week just to get it done. After a day of hard work outside, most people are beat. Do not take her gardening personally or assume she is making weird excuses.
One thing my friends that really struggle with this do that makes it easier for them: They don't text me as often. This is totally cool with me when it happens. But mostly I think you should try to accept and love your friend for who she is.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 3:01 PM on September 14, 2022 [8 favorites]
This is who she is. Accept her for who she is if you want to be her friend. There is no rule of friendship she is violating. There is nothing she needs to work on. You want her -- this kind, empathetic person who is always there for you when you really need her -- to be different. She's not. It is your choice.
posted by desert exile at 3:03 PM on September 14, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by desert exile at 3:03 PM on September 14, 2022 [8 favorites]
I am a Rachel. This creates problems occasionally with friends or family who want to be in greater contact. I have never found an answer, as a âhappy mediumâ for me â more social than I would naturally choose â is typically below or far below the threshold for my friend whoâs the more sociable. The best version of these relationships usually feel like platonic âcomet relationshipsâ â usually out of each otherâs orbit, but hanging together frequently for short periods of time.
posted by cupcakeninja at 3:03 PM on September 14, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by cupcakeninja at 3:03 PM on September 14, 2022 [8 favorites]
Step-by-step plan for breaking the cycle of her not responding to minor texts:
1. Don't send her minor texts.
You can't make her like inconsequential chatty check-in texts. You can't make her respond. You can control your own behaviour, which is that you text someone who has amply demonstrated that they don't enjoy responding to texts.
Some people are super great in person friends, but find asynchronous communication or semi-synchronous communication like texting anxiety inducing. They see something and don't know what to say so they don't say anything and then they see it the next day and are like 'oh shit, I should have responded to that' and then they go off in an anxiety spiral.
If that's Rachel's basic situation, then the fact that you've already told her that it makes you anxious when she doesn't respond will make the whole anxiety spiral worse, lessening not increasing the chance that she will text you back, because now every exchange has that built in 'am I doing this well enough to not cause mermaidcafe anxiety' built in to it. When it is something serious she makes the effort to respond. When there is an invitation to meet in person, she shows up. But she just can't meet you on the check-in text level for whatever reason.
There is no step 2.
posted by jacquilynne at 3:06 PM on September 14, 2022 [11 favorites]
1. Don't send her minor texts.
You can't make her like inconsequential chatty check-in texts. You can't make her respond. You can control your own behaviour, which is that you text someone who has amply demonstrated that they don't enjoy responding to texts.
Some people are super great in person friends, but find asynchronous communication or semi-synchronous communication like texting anxiety inducing. They see something and don't know what to say so they don't say anything and then they see it the next day and are like 'oh shit, I should have responded to that' and then they go off in an anxiety spiral.
If that's Rachel's basic situation, then the fact that you've already told her that it makes you anxious when she doesn't respond will make the whole anxiety spiral worse, lessening not increasing the chance that she will text you back, because now every exchange has that built in 'am I doing this well enough to not cause mermaidcafe anxiety' built in to it. When it is something serious she makes the effort to respond. When there is an invitation to meet in person, she shows up. But she just can't meet you on the check-in text level for whatever reason.
There is no step 2.
posted by jacquilynne at 3:06 PM on September 14, 2022 [11 favorites]
She's a bad texter
No, she isn't. She's not a texter in the same way OP is but that doesn't make her a bad texter. And part of OP getting over this is to realize that her way of texting is a perfectly valid way of texting an that she isn't doing anything wrong.
posted by bowmaniac at 3:10 PM on September 14, 2022 [31 favorites]
No, she isn't. She's not a texter in the same way OP is but that doesn't make her a bad texter. And part of OP getting over this is to realize that her way of texting is a perfectly valid way of texting an that she isn't doing anything wrong.
posted by bowmaniac at 3:10 PM on September 14, 2022 [31 favorites]
Most of the important points have been addressed, but I just want to pop in and say that as a writer myself I despise phone keyboards. Hate them with every fibre of my being. I type at 100wpm when I'm cruising and I find it deeply, deeply frustrating to use itty witty non-tactile buttons instead of my sprawling responsive keyboard. The predictive text misinterprets my spelling and every time I get things set up how I like it there's an update and it all reverts to the useless baseline. I just can't with it.
I'm about the same age as your friend, and a fairly exuberant extrovert too, but I also go weeks between replies because I'd rather grate my face off than use a phone keyboard for any length of time.
Does she use other messenger services? I have a better chance of having the sort of back and forth convo you're looking for over Whatsapp or the Instagram messenger service because I have both running in the background on my work computer as a rule. I can have a real conversation that isn't stalled by my hatred of phone keyboards. You can use your phone, she can use a keyboard, viola.
posted by Jilder at 3:14 PM on September 14, 2022 [4 favorites]
I'm about the same age as your friend, and a fairly exuberant extrovert too, but I also go weeks between replies because I'd rather grate my face off than use a phone keyboard for any length of time.
Does she use other messenger services? I have a better chance of having the sort of back and forth convo you're looking for over Whatsapp or the Instagram messenger service because I have both running in the background on my work computer as a rule. I can have a real conversation that isn't stalled by my hatred of phone keyboards. You can use your phone, she can use a keyboard, viola.
posted by Jilder at 3:14 PM on September 14, 2022 [4 favorites]
I'm going to agree with the others that the best thing you can do is learn to accept her communication style. I'm in my 40s as well and things are busy all around. With all of my closest friends it'll be months between meeting up and our texts have gaps of weeks or longer.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 3:14 PM on September 14, 2022
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 3:14 PM on September 14, 2022
~She's a bad texter
~No, she isn't. She's not a texter in the same way OP is but that doesn't make her a bad texter. And part of OP getting over this is to realize that her way of texting is a perfectly valid way of texting an that she isn't doing anything wrong.
This. Like, a bajillion times this. Not getting back to a text immediately is just her style. Many, many people donât treat texts as if the world will implode if they arenât responded to immediately. Just accept this.
posted by Thorzdad at 3:15 PM on September 14, 2022 [16 favorites]
~No, she isn't. She's not a texter in the same way OP is but that doesn't make her a bad texter. And part of OP getting over this is to realize that her way of texting is a perfectly valid way of texting an that she isn't doing anything wrong.
This. Like, a bajillion times this. Not getting back to a text immediately is just her style. Many, many people donât treat texts as if the world will implode if they arenât responded to immediately. Just accept this.
posted by Thorzdad at 3:15 PM on September 14, 2022 [16 favorites]
I'm going to throw something out there, which may apply to your situation, but also may not.
I am an empathetic introvert. Over the last few years, I made a career shift to become a therapist, and of course, COVID happened (along with lots of other bad stuff). Prior to this, I was more-or-less comfortable in my role in friendships as the empathetic listener. This days, I have a low tolerance for it. I've had to distance myself from a few friends because our meet-ups were like de-facto therapy sessions and I found it depressing and exhausting, even though these friends are kind, interesting, people.
Now, I'm not saying this is your situation with her! But it might be something to reflect on, especially if she is introverted. Are you doing more of the talking, or and she more of the listening? Are you usually the one bringing the problems to her? If these things resonate, she might just not have as much capacity for it right now, or anymore. What I personally would like some of my friends to do is to ask how I'm doing, and really listen to what I say and not just wait until I respond. I'd like them not to immediately start venting as soon as we sit down for a coffee, assuming that I'm cool to listen to a vent session that day. It really does affect my mood negatively at this point. Because of my job, and the state of the world, I just have little capacity to always be in a listener role, having others vent to me.
Now, I'm certainly not saying this applies to your friendship with her because I don't know, but if it does, even a little, it's probably soething to pay attention to.
posted by bearette at 3:15 PM on September 14, 2022 [8 favorites]
I am an empathetic introvert. Over the last few years, I made a career shift to become a therapist, and of course, COVID happened (along with lots of other bad stuff). Prior to this, I was more-or-less comfortable in my role in friendships as the empathetic listener. This days, I have a low tolerance for it. I've had to distance myself from a few friends because our meet-ups were like de-facto therapy sessions and I found it depressing and exhausting, even though these friends are kind, interesting, people.
Now, I'm not saying this is your situation with her! But it might be something to reflect on, especially if she is introverted. Are you doing more of the talking, or and she more of the listening? Are you usually the one bringing the problems to her? If these things resonate, she might just not have as much capacity for it right now, or anymore. What I personally would like some of my friends to do is to ask how I'm doing, and really listen to what I say and not just wait until I respond. I'd like them not to immediately start venting as soon as we sit down for a coffee, assuming that I'm cool to listen to a vent session that day. It really does affect my mood negatively at this point. Because of my job, and the state of the world, I just have little capacity to always be in a listener role, having others vent to me.
Now, I'm certainly not saying this applies to your friendship with her because I don't know, but if it does, even a little, it's probably soething to pay attention to.
posted by bearette at 3:15 PM on September 14, 2022 [8 favorites]
I too, am like your friend Rachel, and yeah, I don't think it's about being a "bad" vs. "good" texter, it's just different relationships to texting. I do text a little with a few friends in between hangouts, but it's very sporadic and the other people in my group chats do most of the work.
I want to break the cycle somehow.
You break the cycle by stopping texting her, except when it's either an emergency or you want to make plans.
posted by coffeecat at 3:16 PM on September 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
I want to break the cycle somehow.
You break the cycle by stopping texting her, except when it's either an emergency or you want to make plans.
posted by coffeecat at 3:16 PM on September 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
I have a friend like this. I probably am also actually a friend like this to others. To me, texting is meant to be asynchronous unless it's something like, 'Heard your house is on fire. True?' or 'Are you going to be at the airport to pick me up?'
Anyway, my friend, who has this problem, is aware of it and always swimming in anxiety about who she's responded to and who she 'owes' contact with and it's just her messy brain which is something I share and understand and I know perfectly well when I haven't heard from her, she's probably feeling guilty and hounded about how she hasn't responded to six different people on multiple topics.
It is really a lot easier to accept people as they are than expect them to change to meet your needs, because in a way, if I'm not understanding about it, I'm not meeting *her* needs. Most importantly, if I'm not understanding about it, it just messes up a friendship that I actually enjoy.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:19 PM on September 14, 2022 [5 favorites]
Anyway, my friend, who has this problem, is aware of it and always swimming in anxiety about who she's responded to and who she 'owes' contact with and it's just her messy brain which is something I share and understand and I know perfectly well when I haven't heard from her, she's probably feeling guilty and hounded about how she hasn't responded to six different people on multiple topics.
It is really a lot easier to accept people as they are than expect them to change to meet your needs, because in a way, if I'm not understanding about it, I'm not meeting *her* needs. Most importantly, if I'm not understanding about it, it just messes up a friendship that I actually enjoy.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:19 PM on September 14, 2022 [5 favorites]
I have a friend like this. The solution was accepting it and texting back whenever I have the bandwidth myself, which is often a few weeks for long chatty texts. Pen pal style, I guess. It's actually nice to not have the pressure to reply right away like I do with my faster-replying friends.
Don't make it about you, because it's not. And don't chase away what seems to be a lovely friend over it, unless it's a deal breaker for you in a friendship. Even if it is, there's not really a way you can make her change. You could ask if there's a style of communication she prefers, but be prepared that the answer may be that she just doesn't want to communicate much more than monthly and slow responses might be her way of setting that boundary (fwiw monthly is more often than I usually chat with even my best friends since 30ish, even though we reply to texts fairly quickly).
posted by randomnity at 3:23 PM on September 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
Don't make it about you, because it's not. And don't chase away what seems to be a lovely friend over it, unless it's a deal breaker for you in a friendship. Even if it is, there's not really a way you can make her change. You could ask if there's a style of communication she prefers, but be prepared that the answer may be that she just doesn't want to communicate much more than monthly and slow responses might be her way of setting that boundary (fwiw monthly is more often than I usually chat with even my best friends since 30ish, even though we reply to texts fairly quickly).
posted by randomnity at 3:23 PM on September 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
I want to add, that I know my response was not about texting, but it could apply because she might need some downtime after the in-person meetups, which is why her texting may stop or slow for a while.
posted by bearette at 3:23 PM on September 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by bearette at 3:23 PM on September 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
It seems like you want a friendship with regular texting and interaction, and she wants something a bit less. The framing here seems to be that there's a standard volume or pattern of communication or interaction you all are supposed to have, but it also seems like you have set those standards on your own and then expect her to meet them. There's some pathologizing and labeling--she's an introvert, she knows this is a problem, she needs downtime, etc. What if this is just that you all are different? And you need to both find a place that works for you? You are the two people in this relationship, and you can structure that how you want, as long as you both agree. I don't think you can badger her into more frequent communication.
While we both have other friends locally, our friendship is special because we have important things n common.
What if you have a friendship that is special but not intense? What if you worked to cultivate some closer connections in your other friendships?
I have a very dear friend who often doesn't like to talk to about topic X, a very important topic in my life. It took a lot of pressure off of our friendship when I started getting closer to friends who were also excited to talk about topic X. My dear friend and I do sometimes talk about topic X, but I limit my requests to her to discuss it (and she'll absolutely do so especially when I'm stressed). It has been a challenge for me, because I want to be able to talk to her about it, but I also respect her boundaries and want to remain friends with her. I can be a bit tender about it, but that's my issue to muck through.
When you text your friend the story about the library, she's maybe just seeing it as a news update, while you are making a bid for connection. When you don't hear back from her, you feel hurt and rejected. She likely doesn't realize this. But, I don't think the solution is to get her to text back. Rather, I think it might be better if you tempered your expectations or were a bit more direct. "Hey, I miss you. Can we talk on the phone in the next day or two?" Something like that.
My mom sends me memes and links all day long, and I sometimes respond with a laugh reaction but often don't respond at all. I just don't want the same volume of interaction she does. I am super extroverted but have a much busier life and can't keep up. Honestly, I don't want to keep up. I have half-joked with her that I wanted to connect her with another friend of mine who also likes to send memes all day. I think it would be good if you did a bit more to cultivate and nurture some of your other connections and didn't put so much pressure on this friendship and rapid responses from your friend.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:35 PM on September 14, 2022 [3 favorites]
While we both have other friends locally, our friendship is special because we have important things n common.
What if you have a friendship that is special but not intense? What if you worked to cultivate some closer connections in your other friendships?
I have a very dear friend who often doesn't like to talk to about topic X, a very important topic in my life. It took a lot of pressure off of our friendship when I started getting closer to friends who were also excited to talk about topic X. My dear friend and I do sometimes talk about topic X, but I limit my requests to her to discuss it (and she'll absolutely do so especially when I'm stressed). It has been a challenge for me, because I want to be able to talk to her about it, but I also respect her boundaries and want to remain friends with her. I can be a bit tender about it, but that's my issue to muck through.
When you text your friend the story about the library, she's maybe just seeing it as a news update, while you are making a bid for connection. When you don't hear back from her, you feel hurt and rejected. She likely doesn't realize this. But, I don't think the solution is to get her to text back. Rather, I think it might be better if you tempered your expectations or were a bit more direct. "Hey, I miss you. Can we talk on the phone in the next day or two?" Something like that.
My mom sends me memes and links all day long, and I sometimes respond with a laugh reaction but often don't respond at all. I just don't want the same volume of interaction she does. I am super extroverted but have a much busier life and can't keep up. Honestly, I don't want to keep up. I have half-joked with her that I wanted to connect her with another friend of mine who also likes to send memes all day. I think it would be good if you did a bit more to cultivate and nurture some of your other connections and didn't put so much pressure on this friendship and rapid responses from your friend.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:35 PM on September 14, 2022 [3 favorites]
I am just like your friend. Texting it is something that I do, but is isn't something I necessarily enjoy. With my friends generally what happens is when we meet in person about monthly. We schedule the next meet up while chatting with eachother. Maybe there will be a text or two between, but if it is scheduled there will be texts to confirm and then we meet up again and it keeps me on a reasonable communication schedule.
posted by AlexiaSky at 3:38 PM on September 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by AlexiaSky at 3:38 PM on September 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
I am not a good texter. It can take me weeks to reply to someone, or more. It is just so hard for me. The people in my life know this, and I do text sometimes, but itâs not a good form of communication for me. I could go into the reasons but they donât really matter here.
I talk to my best friend on text sometimes, sometimes the phone, or the best - in person! She has a few people in her life that she texts every single day. And they are great friends of hers, but you know what, the two of us are best friends even though we text much much less frequently.
So itâs not even that she might want a different level of friendship, so someone said above. She might (sounds like she probably does) consider you to be just as great of a friend as you consider her. But she isnât good at the amount of text communication. Maybe she is not even a big communicator at all. You could try email or phone - I will do the phone with my best friend (and very few other people), but Iâm not great at email. And we still only talk on the phone maybe once a month? Maybe less? Worth a try, but really she might be an in person kind of friend.
That does NOT mean you two arenât great, close friends though.
You could still text her, just reframe it and donât expect a response. Find some other friends for the daily/texting communication! (I know, easier said than done). She doesnât have to fill this role for you. Think of it as someone who likes different music and wonât go to a concert with you.
I WISH I could text my friends daily or even weekly - I am just not good at it though. Itâs more a source of stress for me unfortunately. I was much happier with myself and my friendships once I figured that out, and figured out that not daily texting didnât mean my friendships were less-than. I think you could be too, from the other side.
posted by sillysally at 3:38 PM on September 14, 2022
I talk to my best friend on text sometimes, sometimes the phone, or the best - in person! She has a few people in her life that she texts every single day. And they are great friends of hers, but you know what, the two of us are best friends even though we text much much less frequently.
So itâs not even that she might want a different level of friendship, so someone said above. She might (sounds like she probably does) consider you to be just as great of a friend as you consider her. But she isnât good at the amount of text communication. Maybe she is not even a big communicator at all. You could try email or phone - I will do the phone with my best friend (and very few other people), but Iâm not great at email. And we still only talk on the phone maybe once a month? Maybe less? Worth a try, but really she might be an in person kind of friend.
That does NOT mean you two arenât great, close friends though.
You could still text her, just reframe it and donât expect a response. Find some other friends for the daily/texting communication! (I know, easier said than done). She doesnât have to fill this role for you. Think of it as someone who likes different music and wonât go to a concert with you.
I WISH I could text my friends daily or even weekly - I am just not good at it though. Itâs more a source of stress for me unfortunately. I was much happier with myself and my friendships once I figured that out, and figured out that not daily texting didnât mean my friendships were less-than. I think you could be too, from the other side.
posted by sillysally at 3:38 PM on September 14, 2022
Yeah, she's just not a texter. Additionally, it's possible that frequent texting is not, for her, one of the central characteristics of close friendship. She comes from the last generation of people who didn't grow up with texting, and while many in that demographic adopted texting willingly, many of us did not. It's easy to forget, but this kind of rapid-response, constant communication culture is pretty new, and lots of people resent it or at least ignore it.
Before I adopted texting, it was not common for friends and I to send postcards within the same city to keep one another in the loop here and there. And then if we wanted to actually meet up, we'd call or show up unannounced, depending on the friendship. The expectations are just so different now, but not everyone has cottoned to them.
posted by kensington314 at 3:40 PM on September 14, 2022 [3 favorites]
Before I adopted texting, it was not common for friends and I to send postcards within the same city to keep one another in the loop here and there. And then if we wanted to actually meet up, we'd call or show up unannounced, depending on the friendship. The expectations are just so different now, but not everyone has cottoned to them.
posted by kensington314 at 3:40 PM on September 14, 2022 [3 favorites]
Another thing to consider, in case it's helpful to your own sense of confidence in the friendship: for many people text is an emotionally taxing and/or oppressive communication format. You get texts from politicians, you text back and forth for your job, you get texts reminding you of dental appointments, you have to text with your family, you have to get texts to get back into an account that locked you out. For a lot of people it's just a big box of emotional work and they don't see their friendships in that stupid box.
posted by kensington314 at 3:42 PM on September 14, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by kensington314 at 3:42 PM on September 14, 2022 [7 favorites]
Stop sending her texts. This person is not someone who can use the medium of texting in the way that you prefer, and that most people now consider standard. Whenever you send her a text, you start a new cycle of you becoming anxious for a response, feeling down when it doesn't come, and speculating about the meaning of this behavior. But the meaning of the behavior is just that Rachel either dislikes or can't handle rapid texting. It's not about your friendship. I can almost guarantee this.
Some people prefer calls. Others would love to receive a letter or postcard from a friend! I would recommend trying the latter and seeing if it eases your own expectations about the message, because clearly, Rachel is going to treat your messages on an epistolary schedule whether or not they're electronic vs. physical. Switch to the physical medium and see if it helps shift your mindset.
I'm saying this as someone who experiences severe messaging anxiety, so bad that it's confounded all my therapists. I CANNOT text or even email in a normal way. A large part of it is the disruptive nature of instant messaging. I can't focus on work or anything if I know that I might receive messages of any kind. (Somehow, phone calls don't elicit the same response, maybe because on the phone, we can do all our talking within a relatively defined period...instead of HOURS and DAYS of random back and forth, which disrupts my train of thought and triggers my anxiety every time a message comes in.) Because of this, my phone is often off or hidden. It's a panicky, damaging habit, but it's born of self-preservation. It weighs on me as very shameful, though, and I feel unable to tell almost anyone about this shit. Which does unfortunately lead to friendship problems, not to mention work issues.
Point is, while you're imagining that Rachel is seeing your messages, I wouldn't even assume that. Maybe she does the same as me. Maybe she's out gardening, and when she comes back in, it's too overwhelming to look at missed messages. Whatever's going on, though, I stand by my first couple paragraphs: this is not about your friendship. It's about the fact that 21st century communications simply do not work for some people. (And/or maybe about the fact that current medical treatment for anxiety is seriously inadequate for a pretty substantial number of us, idk.)
posted by desert outpost at 3:47 PM on September 14, 2022 [6 favorites]
Some people prefer calls. Others would love to receive a letter or postcard from a friend! I would recommend trying the latter and seeing if it eases your own expectations about the message, because clearly, Rachel is going to treat your messages on an epistolary schedule whether or not they're electronic vs. physical. Switch to the physical medium and see if it helps shift your mindset.
I'm saying this as someone who experiences severe messaging anxiety, so bad that it's confounded all my therapists. I CANNOT text or even email in a normal way. A large part of it is the disruptive nature of instant messaging. I can't focus on work or anything if I know that I might receive messages of any kind. (Somehow, phone calls don't elicit the same response, maybe because on the phone, we can do all our talking within a relatively defined period...instead of HOURS and DAYS of random back and forth, which disrupts my train of thought and triggers my anxiety every time a message comes in.) Because of this, my phone is often off or hidden. It's a panicky, damaging habit, but it's born of self-preservation. It weighs on me as very shameful, though, and I feel unable to tell almost anyone about this shit. Which does unfortunately lead to friendship problems, not to mention work issues.
Point is, while you're imagining that Rachel is seeing your messages, I wouldn't even assume that. Maybe she does the same as me. Maybe she's out gardening, and when she comes back in, it's too overwhelming to look at missed messages. Whatever's going on, though, I stand by my first couple paragraphs: this is not about your friendship. It's about the fact that 21st century communications simply do not work for some people. (And/or maybe about the fact that current medical treatment for anxiety is seriously inadequate for a pretty substantial number of us, idk.)
posted by desert outpost at 3:47 PM on September 14, 2022 [6 favorites]
Reading this piece on "friendship's frequency" and how variable it can be - and how hard it is to convey "I want to be friends with you and the way for that to work well for me is for us to meet/interact less frequently than you have been initiating/offering" in a way that does not land as rude - helped me navigate some similar stuff. It may be that your friend wishes she could convey that message to you.
posted by brainwane at 4:29 PM on September 14, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by brainwane at 4:29 PM on September 14, 2022 [4 favorites]
I have made and maintained friendships with people who like to text me because I am a saint beloved of all the angels, but jesus christ it takes a lot out of a person to put up with it. I only make the effort for people who have many redeeming features and compensatory virtues. so I imagine your friend likes you an awful lot. "I won't yell at you for texting me if you don't yell at me for not texting you" is a fine implicit bargain to make. a fair, balanced, and reciprocal compromise. you are not the only one tolerating something undesirable.
I believe you that scheduled phone conversations wouldn't work, but when you particularly want to talk to her why not just...call? Maybe she'd only pick up one time in ten, but when she did, you wouldn't have to wait a week for her to say a sentence in response to every sentence you spoke. because you'd actually be talking.
posted by queenofbithynia at 4:30 PM on September 14, 2022 [6 favorites]
I believe you that scheduled phone conversations wouldn't work, but when you particularly want to talk to her why not just...call? Maybe she'd only pick up one time in ten, but when she did, you wouldn't have to wait a week for her to say a sentence in response to every sentence you spoke. because you'd actually be talking.
posted by queenofbithynia at 4:30 PM on September 14, 2022 [6 favorites]
I donât think changing her is an option, but you do get to decide itâs not enough for you.
If sheâs a good friend you need to take her at her word that sheâs not upset and nothing is wrongâprojecting that onto her sounds like a you problem. Repeated questioning of my friendship because Iâm a low-contact texter might drive me away, in all honesty.
Reasonable people can disagree about the appropriate level of contact. Before bowing out (which is your right if itâs not enough for you!) could you try to internalize that? I know itâs hard because our mind likes to fill in blanks with worst-case scenarios.
posted by kapers at 4:32 PM on September 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
If sheâs a good friend you need to take her at her word that sheâs not upset and nothing is wrongâprojecting that onto her sounds like a you problem. Repeated questioning of my friendship because Iâm a low-contact texter might drive me away, in all honesty.
Reasonable people can disagree about the appropriate level of contact. Before bowing out (which is your right if itâs not enough for you!) could you try to internalize that? I know itâs hard because our mind likes to fill in blanks with worst-case scenarios.
posted by kapers at 4:32 PM on September 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
All the other answers about understanding and trying to make peace if possible with the fact that she has a different text communication style are correct, but just to throw out a counterintuitive idea that might be either worth considering or terribly off base: as a person with pronounced Rachel-like communication tendencies of my own, I find group texts to be way less pressure, since I can chime into a conversation or not, and share things that catch my eye without it becoming a whole thing of anyone specific feeling pressured to respond or anxious about getting a response. If you have mutual friends, or friends who share a common interest with both of you, maybe send around something of interest and see if it goes anywhere.
posted by eponym at 4:33 PM on September 14, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by eponym at 4:33 PM on September 14, 2022 [5 favorites]
I am where texts go to die. I text only with family and have a few group chats for memes and jokes but that's about it. I also have to use chat at work to do my job so it's made me go from ambivalent to dislike over the years. I hate texting primarily because it has no nuance and is a very sterile, robotic method of communication. I also have a blanket policy of not discussing disturbing things or having arguments over text for like a dozen reasons so any attempts to get me to discuss things like that will end in a message like "I don't want to discuss it over text".
You're not likely to get more texting from your friend. If you want to keep your friendship going, you should make a standing appointment for coffee or shopping or lunch or whatever. Do a book club together or take up a joint craft. Some people just are not into asynchronous communication.
posted by fiercekitten at 5:51 PM on September 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
You're not likely to get more texting from your friend. If you want to keep your friendship going, you should make a standing appointment for coffee or shopping or lunch or whatever. Do a book club together or take up a joint craft. Some people just are not into asynchronous communication.
posted by fiercekitten at 5:51 PM on September 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I think the texting is a bit of a red herring here. You just want to feel like a valued friend.
I don't think you're unreasonable. No one is so busy that it takes them weeks to respond to a text message. You're not saying you want an instantaneous response.
Weeks would suggest to me too that someone doesn't value my friendship. You can make up all the excuses for someone but really, it's kind of careless.
It may or may not be personal. You can't really know.
If I were you, I'd just stop texting. Perhaps she'll pick up where you leave off. Either way, you won't have to deal with the angst of the inevitable silence.
posted by NatalieWood at 5:57 PM on September 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
I don't think you're unreasonable. No one is so busy that it takes them weeks to respond to a text message. You're not saying you want an instantaneous response.
Weeks would suggest to me too that someone doesn't value my friendship. You can make up all the excuses for someone but really, it's kind of careless.
It may or may not be personal. You can't really know.
If I were you, I'd just stop texting. Perhaps she'll pick up where you leave off. Either way, you won't have to deal with the angst of the inevitable silence.
posted by NatalieWood at 5:57 PM on September 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: To clarify one detail: I've asked her several times how she prefers to communicate, and she always says text. And she replies quickly if I text that I need support or something.
posted by mermaidcafe at 8:28 PM on September 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by mermaidcafe at 8:28 PM on September 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster:
I have a friend like this and I just mentally reframe sending her a text as being equivalent to mailing her a postcard or letter. Itâs kind of refreshing when I think of it that way.
Thank you ! That's very helpful and just the kind of thing I was looking for to help me reframe. I appreciate you sharing that strategy.
posted by mermaidcafe at 8:37 PM on September 14, 2022 [6 favorites]
I have a friend like this and I just mentally reframe sending her a text as being equivalent to mailing her a postcard or letter. Itâs kind of refreshing when I think of it that way.
Thank you ! That's very helpful and just the kind of thing I was looking for to help me reframe. I appreciate you sharing that strategy.
posted by mermaidcafe at 8:37 PM on September 14, 2022 [6 favorites]
Iâm an extroverted person who works in media. I hate texting. Send me an email, pick up the phone, message me on social media, send me an actual letter or even drop by. Texting is annoying, doesnât allow for nuanced communication, and makes me want to smash my phone with a hammer.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:12 PM on September 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Ideefixe at 9:12 PM on September 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
If your friend texts back immediately when you need something, she values your friendship and wants to be there for you.
I find random chit-chat texts to be largely very draining because I have no idea how to respond. Itâs not a natural form for me. If someone texts with a need or because they need support *I know how to do that.* So I do! Otherwise, I also probably usually take weeks to respond because I literally take that long to figure out how to respond.
Iâd also suggest that while you have similar health problems that doesnât mean you experience the IMPACT of your health problems in the same way. For you, maybe it takes more out of your physical capabilities and for her maybe it takes more out of her mental space. I have noticed this mismatch in the disability spaces I inhabit. Thereâs an expectation that because we experience some of the same things that we cope in the same manner. I suggest this source of projection because of what you said about her garden. That would absolutely make me fall off the face of the planet because task switching in my brain to something else - responding to a text - just wouldnât be possible unless there was an emergency.
posted by Bottlecap at 9:38 PM on September 14, 2022 [9 favorites]
I find random chit-chat texts to be largely very draining because I have no idea how to respond. Itâs not a natural form for me. If someone texts with a need or because they need support *I know how to do that.* So I do! Otherwise, I also probably usually take weeks to respond because I literally take that long to figure out how to respond.
Iâd also suggest that while you have similar health problems that doesnât mean you experience the IMPACT of your health problems in the same way. For you, maybe it takes more out of your physical capabilities and for her maybe it takes more out of her mental space. I have noticed this mismatch in the disability spaces I inhabit. Thereâs an expectation that because we experience some of the same things that we cope in the same manner. I suggest this source of projection because of what you said about her garden. That would absolutely make me fall off the face of the planet because task switching in my brain to something else - responding to a text - just wouldnât be possible unless there was an emergency.
posted by Bottlecap at 9:38 PM on September 14, 2022 [9 favorites]
In case thatâs helpful to how much this varies. I have two best friends. And I mean best friends- these are the people I turn to for support/during any kind of crisis and they turn to me when they need support. I live in a different country to each of them so we canât just meet up with ease.
BF1 and I FaceTime about every two weeks, sometimes itâs three weeks if one of us is travelling. Sometimes itâs a call because one of us is driving and thatâs the only slot. We rarely text unless we have actual information to covey or to confirm what day is good to ft. We even work for the same multi national and we donât chat on teams because weâre both busy ppl and no news is good news. If we do chat on teams there is also always factual information to exchange no chitchatting.
BF2 and I message every few days/week or so. For many years, that was her preferred way of being in touch because she had very young children and the asynchronous nature of texting was much easier especially when they were very tiny. She could just get back to ppl whenever. Later, we used to schedule a teams lunch once a week or so because that was easy because children were at nursery/school. Now they are old enough that we can also schedule facetime in the evenings because they will be in bed fairly reliably. But there is only ever back and forth on text if we have something to communicate about/actual information to exchange, no random chitchatting. She always hated calls so we never had those regularly.
So if the postcard analogy works for you go a step further and send an actual postcard. If you want more regular contact call her or communicate in some other more meaningful way. Or stick to texting when you have something to talk about. You know she wonât go in for random chitchatting so figure out other ways to stay connected with her.
posted by koahiatamadl at 9:42 PM on September 14, 2022
BF1 and I FaceTime about every two weeks, sometimes itâs three weeks if one of us is travelling. Sometimes itâs a call because one of us is driving and thatâs the only slot. We rarely text unless we have actual information to covey or to confirm what day is good to ft. We even work for the same multi national and we donât chat on teams because weâre both busy ppl and no news is good news. If we do chat on teams there is also always factual information to exchange no chitchatting.
BF2 and I message every few days/week or so. For many years, that was her preferred way of being in touch because she had very young children and the asynchronous nature of texting was much easier especially when they were very tiny. She could just get back to ppl whenever. Later, we used to schedule a teams lunch once a week or so because that was easy because children were at nursery/school. Now they are old enough that we can also schedule facetime in the evenings because they will be in bed fairly reliably. But there is only ever back and forth on text if we have something to communicate about/actual information to exchange, no random chitchatting. She always hated calls so we never had those regularly.
So if the postcard analogy works for you go a step further and send an actual postcard. If you want more regular contact call her or communicate in some other more meaningful way. Or stick to texting when you have something to talk about. You know she wonât go in for random chitchatting so figure out other ways to stay connected with her.
posted by koahiatamadl at 9:42 PM on September 14, 2022
So I just want to acknowledge your feelings as a person that values responsiveness in asynchronous communication. It's not wrong to have a different style but I grew up with the expectation that you respond as soon as you can unless there's some reason not to. Waiting to reply meant you were in the middle of something, or ignoring the person intentionally. It was rude, disrespectful, etc. I made it to adulthood before I realized there's a spectrum of expectations about it.
And, to be fair, responsiveness is one of the core components of attachment. So it makes sense this can be so fraught. If we are anxiously inclined then this lack of responsiveness will be uncomfortable. If we are avoidantly inclined then the expectation of consistent responsiveness will feel burdensome.
My advice will be odd but I recommend finding someone that matches your style better to be a kind of buffer when your friend is so slow that it's upsetting you. Sending a (hopefully not barbaric) yawp into the universe and getting a consistent response back in a timely manner can soothe the parts that get all stirred up over what happens with your friend. This also makes it easier to accept your friend as they are, while taking responsibility for any of your own needs that might be getting triggered.
Desiring responsiveness isn't wrong. I'm an introvert, deeply so, and still expect responsiveness unless the person wants to convey displeasure with me without having an actual conversation or is trying to be passive aggressive. I have to work to remember there are so many reasons people might not text like me and most of them aren't about me at all.
posted by crunchy potato at 10:49 PM on September 14, 2022 [8 favorites]
And, to be fair, responsiveness is one of the core components of attachment. So it makes sense this can be so fraught. If we are anxiously inclined then this lack of responsiveness will be uncomfortable. If we are avoidantly inclined then the expectation of consistent responsiveness will feel burdensome.
My advice will be odd but I recommend finding someone that matches your style better to be a kind of buffer when your friend is so slow that it's upsetting you. Sending a (hopefully not barbaric) yawp into the universe and getting a consistent response back in a timely manner can soothe the parts that get all stirred up over what happens with your friend. This also makes it easier to accept your friend as they are, while taking responsibility for any of your own needs that might be getting triggered.
Desiring responsiveness isn't wrong. I'm an introvert, deeply so, and still expect responsiveness unless the person wants to convey displeasure with me without having an actual conversation or is trying to be passive aggressive. I have to work to remember there are so many reasons people might not text like me and most of them aren't about me at all.
posted by crunchy potato at 10:49 PM on September 14, 2022 [8 favorites]
No one is so busy that it takes them weeks to respond to a text message
Seriously, it is not about busyness. It is about a lack of capacity to continuously handle everything that's coming at you, for any of a wide variety of reasons people have very personally arrested to in this thread.
This is a friend who'll drop everything to help the OP, even though she's not able to do that sustainably. She's a friend who's good for the deep stuff but not so good for providing regular company. Different friends are good for different things. This friend clearly wants to be able to do both, but she can't, and OP can accept that or not.
posted by trig at 2:29 AM on September 15, 2022 [33 favorites]
Seriously, it is not about busyness. It is about a lack of capacity to continuously handle everything that's coming at you, for any of a wide variety of reasons people have very personally arrested to in this thread.
This is a friend who'll drop everything to help the OP, even though she's not able to do that sustainably. She's a friend who's good for the deep stuff but not so good for providing regular company. Different friends are good for different things. This friend clearly wants to be able to do both, but she can't, and OP can accept that or not.
posted by trig at 2:29 AM on September 15, 2022 [33 favorites]
Why not just accept that texting isnât a core medium of communication in this relationship and enjoy it in the shape that it is?
posted by spindrifter at 3:40 AM on September 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by spindrifter at 3:40 AM on September 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'm fine with texting but, personally, see it as a medium for quick questions, or making arrangements. Or else it's for just a brief status update - "just got home, see you this evening". So, either things that explicitly expect a quickish response, or don't require any response.
Consequently, the rare times I get texts that don't fall into those camps I sometimes don't know how to respond. Should I respond? Is that expected? I don't know what to say to this. "That's nice." So I'll either consciously decide to not reply, or I'll leave it for a while and - because it's not like my email inbox where an email will sit and be visible - sometimes just forget all about it.
posted by fabius at 6:01 AM on September 15, 2022
Consequently, the rare times I get texts that don't fall into those camps I sometimes don't know how to respond. Should I respond? Is that expected? I don't know what to say to this. "That's nice." So I'll either consciously decide to not reply, or I'll leave it for a while and - because it's not like my email inbox where an email will sit and be visible - sometimes just forget all about it.
posted by fabius at 6:01 AM on September 15, 2022
To clarify one detail: I've asked her several times how she prefers to communicate, and she always says text. And she replies quickly if I text that I need support or something.
It's not just the medium, though, it's also the message. Where there's a specific need for her to respond -- to make plans, to offer you support -- then texting her is fine and it is working well. But the kind of regular check-in chat that you're hoping to have with her over text doesn't seem to be a type of conversation she is interested in having in that way.
Based on your marked best answer, you are choosing to interpret that as her not valuing you, personally, and I can see how it feels that way. At the same time, though, she shows that she does value you by responding if you need support, by inviting you to coffee, etc. So your interpretation is a choice, and one that's not well born out when you look at the totality of the situation.
If you need to have regular light conversation with someone in order to feel close to them, to feel safe and valued enough to be vulnerable with a person to turn to them for the big things like needing support, that also makes sense. The friendship would seem less one-sided if you didn't feel like you only talked when you needed her support. But recognize that those are your feelings, not hers, and that by asking her to also take on responding to light chatty texts when she has clearly demonstrated that it's not something she wants to do, you are actually asking for more emotional support from her, not less.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:01 AM on September 15, 2022 [13 favorites]
It's not just the medium, though, it's also the message. Where there's a specific need for her to respond -- to make plans, to offer you support -- then texting her is fine and it is working well. But the kind of regular check-in chat that you're hoping to have with her over text doesn't seem to be a type of conversation she is interested in having in that way.
Based on your marked best answer, you are choosing to interpret that as her not valuing you, personally, and I can see how it feels that way. At the same time, though, she shows that she does value you by responding if you need support, by inviting you to coffee, etc. So your interpretation is a choice, and one that's not well born out when you look at the totality of the situation.
If you need to have regular light conversation with someone in order to feel close to them, to feel safe and valued enough to be vulnerable with a person to turn to them for the big things like needing support, that also makes sense. The friendship would seem less one-sided if you didn't feel like you only talked when you needed her support. But recognize that those are your feelings, not hers, and that by asking her to also take on responding to light chatty texts when she has clearly demonstrated that it's not something she wants to do, you are actually asking for more emotional support from her, not less.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:01 AM on September 15, 2022 [13 favorites]
The sad truth is that other people may love us and value us but still not be able to be exactly the people we want/need them to be. It sounds like you want your friend to be, basically, a BFF, and in your mind a BFF is someone you talk with a lot, where your bids for attention are reciprocated quickly, no matter whether they are a crisis or a nothingburger.
She can't be that. She hasn't offered any explanation or excuse for why not, although as several of us have pointed out, some of the stuff you've mentioned (health problems, huge household projects) sound pretty draining. But since she seems to express regularly that she knows other people hate it, and yet she has not changed, I think you need to just move forward under the assumption that this is just how she is. This is how she friends.
So with that, all of your work on this is you-work, done internally. Either by moving away from the friendship, or by trying to work to reframe this friendship.
Is there anybody in your life who wants more from you than you can give them? Are those people automatically less valued in your eyes? (And if so, why is that?)
Is responsiveness the only way you can feel valued in a relationship or is it just your favorite/default way? Are there other ways of feeling valued that you can cultivate? (For example: can you ever see "consistent support in a crisis" as a valuable bid of affection? Or do you have some baggage around the ideas of crisis or support that maybe prevent you from feeling that? Many people would say that "I can always count on them in a crisis" is like, one of the highest badges of friendship.)
Is there maybe something about this friendship that is a lil' bit romantic, such that it feels like you should have almost girlfriend-girlfriend expectations around it? (I ask chiefly because the intensity of your rejection feelings seems pretty high, while the frequency of contact on the surface seems ... pretty average for a good friendship.)
Basically, there's nothing wrong with the friendship she wants, and nothing wrong with the friendship you want. But the disconnect seems to be causing you intense pain where most people would probably just be mildly stung every now and then, and otherwise just shrug it off as "well that's just Susan!" She won't be the only person in your life who doesn't text you back so it can't hurt to start looking into it...
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:38 AM on September 15, 2022 [5 favorites]
She can't be that. She hasn't offered any explanation or excuse for why not, although as several of us have pointed out, some of the stuff you've mentioned (health problems, huge household projects) sound pretty draining. But since she seems to express regularly that she knows other people hate it, and yet she has not changed, I think you need to just move forward under the assumption that this is just how she is. This is how she friends.
So with that, all of your work on this is you-work, done internally. Either by moving away from the friendship, or by trying to work to reframe this friendship.
Is there anybody in your life who wants more from you than you can give them? Are those people automatically less valued in your eyes? (And if so, why is that?)
Is responsiveness the only way you can feel valued in a relationship or is it just your favorite/default way? Are there other ways of feeling valued that you can cultivate? (For example: can you ever see "consistent support in a crisis" as a valuable bid of affection? Or do you have some baggage around the ideas of crisis or support that maybe prevent you from feeling that? Many people would say that "I can always count on them in a crisis" is like, one of the highest badges of friendship.)
Is there maybe something about this friendship that is a lil' bit romantic, such that it feels like you should have almost girlfriend-girlfriend expectations around it? (I ask chiefly because the intensity of your rejection feelings seems pretty high, while the frequency of contact on the surface seems ... pretty average for a good friendship.)
Basically, there's nothing wrong with the friendship she wants, and nothing wrong with the friendship you want. But the disconnect seems to be causing you intense pain where most people would probably just be mildly stung every now and then, and otherwise just shrug it off as "well that's just Susan!" She won't be the only person in your life who doesn't text you back so it can't hurt to start looking into it...
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:38 AM on September 15, 2022 [5 favorites]
I have friends mostly my age, so we all came to texting pretty late. I guess we're all introverts, too, or most of us, because our communication patterns tend to be: dead silence for months at a time with two- to three-day back-and-forth text volleys sprinkled about randomly between us. I think what happens is, somebody's bored at the dentist and texts everybody they know and the other ones that are also bored, perhaps at the DMV, text back, and then there's a short period of conversing between friends who happened to be bored at the same time about all whatever anything. Then back to silence until it happens again or there's something to plan together. Nobody gets upset at not being texted back, really, that I've noticed.
My one friend who's considerably younger has a different generational etiquette practice. She will on occasion text something either mystery meat or lighthearted conversation starter-ey, often in three texts where one would do, so the phone goes "Bling! Blingbling! Bling!" at me when I'm (*^*(&^ing trying to $%^$%ing DO SOMETHING and then three hours later when I've not done anything about her storm of "bling" she will then text "Hello?" Whereupon I will plug the phone in to charge, close the door of whatever room it is in, and go to a wholly different part of the house until the next day.
So the above answer? "No one is so busy that it takes them weeks to respond to a text message"?
Hello! Pleased to meet you! It is I, No one, and I am sometimes exactly so busy!
More precisely, while I will always, the next time I'm bored and not doing anything, respond to a series of text messages that say "Guess what!" "omg!" "đ đŠđđđđ€Ą" or whateverthehell, I absolutely am always and without exception so busy that it will take me until the end of time to respond to a text message that says "Hello?" because I didn't respond to a series of text messages that said "Guess what!" "omg!" "đ đŠđđđđ€Ą" or whateverthehell. The fact that I didn't respond IS THE RESPONSE. Not responding to "wanna chat about inconsequential bullshit right now?" says everything that needs to be said, namely, "No; I am not at the DMV but am (*^*(&^ing trying to $%^$%ing DO SOMETHING right now, so please desist blinging the phone."
I'm not at all saying you're doing THAT^ egregious thing, but if through your conscientious effort you make your attempts to start a conversation very few and far between and despite that they still start to pile up, then even if you're not texting "Hello?" She knows you're thinking it.
That's actually worse precisely because you are NOT being a pest but actively trying to be considerate. Basically, you're just trying your best to be a good friend and you've already said that her not responding right away bothers you, so the more you try for a light, fun tone, the more she's going to feel like a bad friend and guilty and weird about all the messages piling up and it's not just you this is happening with but other friends, too, and the messages keep on piling up and the deeper the pile gets, the more likely it is she'll just start to feel exhausted and depressed and plug the phone in to charge and close the door on it and go to a different part of the house.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:30 AM on September 15, 2022 [5 favorites]
My one friend who's considerably younger has a different generational etiquette practice. She will on occasion text something either mystery meat or lighthearted conversation starter-ey, often in three texts where one would do, so the phone goes "Bling! Blingbling! Bling!" at me when I'm (*^*(&^ing trying to $%^$%ing DO SOMETHING and then three hours later when I've not done anything about her storm of "bling" she will then text "Hello?" Whereupon I will plug the phone in to charge, close the door of whatever room it is in, and go to a wholly different part of the house until the next day.
So the above answer? "No one is so busy that it takes them weeks to respond to a text message"?
Hello! Pleased to meet you! It is I, No one, and I am sometimes exactly so busy!
More precisely, while I will always, the next time I'm bored and not doing anything, respond to a series of text messages that say "Guess what!" "omg!" "đ đŠđđđđ€Ą" or whateverthehell, I absolutely am always and without exception so busy that it will take me until the end of time to respond to a text message that says "Hello?" because I didn't respond to a series of text messages that said "Guess what!" "omg!" "đ đŠđđđđ€Ą" or whateverthehell. The fact that I didn't respond IS THE RESPONSE. Not responding to "wanna chat about inconsequential bullshit right now?" says everything that needs to be said, namely, "No; I am not at the DMV but am (*^*(&^ing trying to $%^$%ing DO SOMETHING right now, so please desist blinging the phone."
I'm not at all saying you're doing THAT^ egregious thing, but if through your conscientious effort you make your attempts to start a conversation very few and far between and despite that they still start to pile up, then even if you're not texting "Hello?" She knows you're thinking it.
That's actually worse precisely because you are NOT being a pest but actively trying to be considerate. Basically, you're just trying your best to be a good friend and you've already said that her not responding right away bothers you, so the more you try for a light, fun tone, the more she's going to feel like a bad friend and guilty and weird about all the messages piling up and it's not just you this is happening with but other friends, too, and the messages keep on piling up and the deeper the pile gets, the more likely it is she'll just start to feel exhausted and depressed and plug the phone in to charge and close the door on it and go to a different part of the house.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:30 AM on September 15, 2022 [5 favorites]
She seems like a rainy day friend (you say she is quick to respond when the chips are down, but not so much otherwise). I have a friend much like this and she has frustrated me over the years by going radio silent when I text something non-crisis related. I've come to accept that this is just who she is, will not change (we are both in our late 40s) and that I need to rely on other friends for more lighthearted texting. Honestly, it has put a damper on our friendship, at least from my perspective, but I've just had to accept that.
posted by medeine at 10:17 AM on September 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by medeine at 10:17 AM on September 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
I have friends who text, email, call, and use facebook messenger, because those are their preferred forms of contact. People will text me at old work numbers, which I won't receive, or my google voice number, which I won't see promptly. Keeping contacts updated is harder than it should be. A few people will text, then email the next day, starting 2 information threads, which is hard to corral. Everybody expects prompt, thorough answers. One individual will send an urgent text and I will worry, then find out the grocery clerk was snippy and she had a meltdown and mass-texted to get support.
I hate typing, and silly, chatty texts that want a response in kind make my teeth hurt. I don't keep my phone on me all the time. I have text alerts silenced. I won't install Fb messenger except for special occasions. I tell everybody that I like email and dislike texts, but people have their own preferences. Texts can be unreliable, and don't always sync well, so which question were you replying Maybe to?
We have too many forms of communication and it makes communication harder and less effective. Ask your friend how she likes to communicate. If she doesn't respond to non-urgent communication, maybe she's just got too many things going on. I'd probably start an email to her, update the draft with news, send it weekly. I'd invite her to coffee, lunch, whatever monthly. Because that's what you want.
posted by theora55 at 10:29 AM on September 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
I hate typing, and silly, chatty texts that want a response in kind make my teeth hurt. I don't keep my phone on me all the time. I have text alerts silenced. I won't install Fb messenger except for special occasions. I tell everybody that I like email and dislike texts, but people have their own preferences. Texts can be unreliable, and don't always sync well, so which question were you replying Maybe to?
We have too many forms of communication and it makes communication harder and less effective. Ask your friend how she likes to communicate. If she doesn't respond to non-urgent communication, maybe she's just got too many things going on. I'd probably start an email to her, update the draft with news, send it weekly. I'd invite her to coffee, lunch, whatever monthly. Because that's what you want.
posted by theora55 at 10:29 AM on September 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi! You don't need to end this friendship. Your friend behaves as if she likes you very much: She invites you out, she is a source of good things, AND when you text saying you are down she responds right away. However, she does not text the same way you do.
What you will need to end is your series of thoughts that if she is not texting you she does not like you or is in some sort of danger. Text will not be a good way of assessing that. And if you cannot stop the relationship will continue to give you a lot of grief, so you may need to move on.
As to the news items and you asking her if she is ok... you could ask her if she likes those texts? We don't know if she does (although some folks above do not) or if she does not respond to them. (This is me and I am an extrovert - but there is not much I have to say about news items or how I am doing in a text. And yet, I like getting sent news items - that is why I like metafilter. These sort of things are specific to the person.)
posted by mutt.cyberspace at 2:32 PM on September 15, 2022 [6 favorites]
What you will need to end is your series of thoughts that if she is not texting you she does not like you or is in some sort of danger. Text will not be a good way of assessing that. And if you cannot stop the relationship will continue to give you a lot of grief, so you may need to move on.
As to the news items and you asking her if she is ok... you could ask her if she likes those texts? We don't know if she does (although some folks above do not) or if she does not respond to them. (This is me and I am an extrovert - but there is not much I have to say about news items or how I am doing in a text. And yet, I like getting sent news items - that is why I like metafilter. These sort of things are specific to the person.)
posted by mutt.cyberspace at 2:32 PM on September 15, 2022 [6 favorites]
The part that stands out to me is that you would like to share things with her without being in crisis. I suspect that dynamic would persist whatever the mode of communication, and I think people are overlooking this in a rush to explain why they personally don't reply to messages fast or at all. And while some might think the ideal friend is someone there for you in a crisis, I would find it confining if that were the threshold for a friend responding to me. Almost as if the friendship only functions while I'm in a helpee role. It would in fact be enough for me to let the friendship go.
Rather than convince yourself your angst is misplaced, which I think other answers have well covered, it could be a sign the friendship can't meet your needs that you shouldn't overlook. Even if you care about each other very much. Sometimes a behavioural mismatch outweighs the good intent on both sides.
posted by Ballad of Peckham Rye at 8:57 PM on September 15, 2022 [3 favorites]
Rather than convince yourself your angst is misplaced, which I think other answers have well covered, it could be a sign the friendship can't meet your needs that you shouldn't overlook. Even if you care about each other very much. Sometimes a behavioural mismatch outweighs the good intent on both sides.
posted by Ballad of Peckham Rye at 8:57 PM on September 15, 2022 [3 favorites]
The part that stands out to me is that you would like to share things with her without being in crisis.
Hm. True. And presumably you used to could do that? If you never could, then, given that that's important to you, how could you have become so close?
It occurs to me to wonder:
How long have you guys been friends? It's not really specified in your question, but it seems like it's a close relationship and that you've been friends for a long time. Were you friends pre-texting and the advent of texting has wrought a change in her behavior? Or has she behaved exactly like this the whole time and the advent of texting has wrought a change in your ability to accept her behavior because the etiquette for texting is different from the etiquette for however you used to communicate? Maybe you used to call her and it was always a little bit of a life-shatterer for her when the phone rang and she's now delighted that there's texting, which is so much easier on her with her garden-starting lifeways because she can answer in her own time. Or maybe you communicated less often pre-texting because texting makes it so easy to communicate more often?
It just seems like for this relationship to have become so close, this can't have been a problem the whole time, right? You weren't, from the dawn of the relationship, worried that she was angry or going through some crisis? You weren't checking in and feeling bad about checking in and feeling a burden of responsibility to check in, surely?
I've had this one friend since we were both 12 years old. We go months and months and months without checking in. Then we check in. We used to spend the first three to six messages back and forth apologizing to one another because we assumed our own behavior looked to the other person like neglect. But both of us were worried about our own behavior; neither of us ever thought the other one was behaving badly because both of us understand exactly what the other one was doing the whole hiatus, namely thinking, Oh, dag, I gotta write back to that! Crud, can't right now. Okay tonight without fail. (repeat one thousand times) Of late we've dropped the whole "I'm so sorry for not getting back to you for six months" ceremony and we just get to planning the trip to the brewery or whatever.
posted by Don Pepino at 10:35 AM on September 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hm. True. And presumably you used to could do that? If you never could, then, given that that's important to you, how could you have become so close?
It occurs to me to wonder:
How long have you guys been friends? It's not really specified in your question, but it seems like it's a close relationship and that you've been friends for a long time. Were you friends pre-texting and the advent of texting has wrought a change in her behavior? Or has she behaved exactly like this the whole time and the advent of texting has wrought a change in your ability to accept her behavior because the etiquette for texting is different from the etiquette for however you used to communicate? Maybe you used to call her and it was always a little bit of a life-shatterer for her when the phone rang and she's now delighted that there's texting, which is so much easier on her with her garden-starting lifeways because she can answer in her own time. Or maybe you communicated less often pre-texting because texting makes it so easy to communicate more often?
It just seems like for this relationship to have become so close, this can't have been a problem the whole time, right? You weren't, from the dawn of the relationship, worried that she was angry or going through some crisis? You weren't checking in and feeling bad about checking in and feeling a burden of responsibility to check in, surely?
I've had this one friend since we were both 12 years old. We go months and months and months without checking in. Then we check in. We used to spend the first three to six messages back and forth apologizing to one another because we assumed our own behavior looked to the other person like neglect. But both of us were worried about our own behavior; neither of us ever thought the other one was behaving badly because both of us understand exactly what the other one was doing the whole hiatus, namely thinking, Oh, dag, I gotta write back to that! Crud, can't right now. Okay tonight without fail. (repeat one thousand times) Of late we've dropped the whole "I'm so sorry for not getting back to you for six months" ceremony and we just get to planning the trip to the brewery or whatever.
posted by Don Pepino at 10:35 AM on September 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
My wife gets very upset when someone doesn't answer her texts right away, and assumes the person is mad at her. I thought texting was invented so we could respond at our leisure, instead of immediately, like a phone call.
posted by Furnace of Doubt at 11:41 AM on September 16, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Furnace of Doubt at 11:41 AM on September 16, 2022 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
How long is "weeks"? Like, a month? Because that seems pretty normal to me as far as frequency of contact for a lot of my relationships, even some of the ones I would consider "close friends." Gently, your solution may have more to do about addressing your own insecurities rather than fixing her "problem."
posted by AndrewInDC at 1:19 PM on September 14, 2022 [52 favorites]