I have no friends
January 3, 2023 5:46 AM Subscribe
I’m trying to understand and address a very long-standing situation in my life, which is that I do not have a single friend. Help me figure out what concrete steps to take.
I suppose I’m a bit of a cliché because I’m a man approaching middle age and I simply do not have a single friend. This has been the situation for at least 10 years (when I moved to a new city), and actually quite a bit longer than that, if I am honest about most of the “friendships” prior to that — they were based around smoking weed and not meaningful relationships in any other way. I no longer smoke weed and I don’t drink at all. Some personality factors that work against me, I think, are pretty extreme introversion (I scored a 99 on the E/I scale of the MBTI for what that’s worth, and generally have very low social needs) and some social anxiety that I’ve mostly addressed in therapy. Despite my low need for socialization the lack of any friendship at all is starting to get to me. The pandemic obviously just exacerbated things and I’ll admit has colored my view of people generally.
Lots of online advice suggests joining clubs or other shared interest groups but I haven’t found that advixe helpful, mostly because my interests are solitary like listening to music or hiking. And turning those activities into the group version, like a group hike, sort of takes away from what I like about it, if that makes sense. I’ve spoken with a therapist more recently who suggested Bumble BFF, which I tried and found a little off-putting, but also difficult because it’s so based on just listing interests and judging people based on an online profile. In writing this, I realize I’m probably coming off as negative about this whole enterprise…mostly because it feels almost insurmountable after so many years. I also realize I may be boring, and a little idiosyncratic…but I do think I am amicable and kind when I do interact with people.
Do you have any suggestions, or maybe your own experiences in dealing with this? I’m not looking for a huge group of friends. Maybe 1 or 2 people who I can have a deep connection with. I know when I am friends with someone, I am loyal, a good listener, and will be there for them no matter what. I just don’t know how to find the “right” people to connect with. Thanks for reading and any thoughts you might have.
I suppose I’m a bit of a cliché because I’m a man approaching middle age and I simply do not have a single friend. This has been the situation for at least 10 years (when I moved to a new city), and actually quite a bit longer than that, if I am honest about most of the “friendships” prior to that — they were based around smoking weed and not meaningful relationships in any other way. I no longer smoke weed and I don’t drink at all. Some personality factors that work against me, I think, are pretty extreme introversion (I scored a 99 on the E/I scale of the MBTI for what that’s worth, and generally have very low social needs) and some social anxiety that I’ve mostly addressed in therapy. Despite my low need for socialization the lack of any friendship at all is starting to get to me. The pandemic obviously just exacerbated things and I’ll admit has colored my view of people generally.
Lots of online advice suggests joining clubs or other shared interest groups but I haven’t found that advixe helpful, mostly because my interests are solitary like listening to music or hiking. And turning those activities into the group version, like a group hike, sort of takes away from what I like about it, if that makes sense. I’ve spoken with a therapist more recently who suggested Bumble BFF, which I tried and found a little off-putting, but also difficult because it’s so based on just listing interests and judging people based on an online profile. In writing this, I realize I’m probably coming off as negative about this whole enterprise…mostly because it feels almost insurmountable after so many years. I also realize I may be boring, and a little idiosyncratic…but I do think I am amicable and kind when I do interact with people.
Do you have any suggestions, or maybe your own experiences in dealing with this? I’m not looking for a huge group of friends. Maybe 1 or 2 people who I can have a deep connection with. I know when I am friends with someone, I am loyal, a good listener, and will be there for them no matter what. I just don’t know how to find the “right” people to connect with. Thanks for reading and any thoughts you might have.
It is very difficult to establish a "deep connection" without first establishing a superficial connection, then a casual connection, etc. I don't see a way around that. Join that hiking or music group. You can still do those activities alone sometimes.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 6:35 AM on January 3, 2023 [59 favorites]
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 6:35 AM on January 3, 2023 [59 favorites]
I am also an intensely introverted person who only really wants a small handful of close friendships. The problem is, you can't find those close friendships without meeting a relatively large number of people, unless you get incredibly lucky. And finding activities you enjoy is always recommended because it's a way to filter the vast horde of humanity into a manageable number of people who you have at least one thing in common with, which gives you a better shot at finding someone whose company you will enjoy generally.
I will say if you don't have any friendships at all right now and the idea of in-person stuff is daunting, online games - specifically things like MMOs, that have built-in social structures in the form of guilds - can be a very nice way to have purpose-driven and low-stakes contact with some folks and just generally feel like you have friends. I've met a bunch of lovely people that way, none of whom I got to be very close friends with but some of whom really helped me through some isolated periods in my life. It's not a complete substitute, but it can be worth it as a patch while you're figuring out where you're going to meet people in the flesh.
posted by restless_nomad at 6:39 AM on January 3, 2023 [25 favorites]
I will say if you don't have any friendships at all right now and the idea of in-person stuff is daunting, online games - specifically things like MMOs, that have built-in social structures in the form of guilds - can be a very nice way to have purpose-driven and low-stakes contact with some folks and just generally feel like you have friends. I've met a bunch of lovely people that way, none of whom I got to be very close friends with but some of whom really helped me through some isolated periods in my life. It's not a complete substitute, but it can be worth it as a patch while you're figuring out where you're going to meet people in the flesh.
posted by restless_nomad at 6:39 AM on January 3, 2023 [25 favorites]
It sounds like one approach would be to try hard to develop a new interest/hobby/sport/etc. that works best as a shared activity. I.e., maybe you can't start out with a list of your interests and then find a club because you don't really have interests that work well in a social context -- there's nothing wrong with that, and it would make sense in the context of your introversion, but to move the needle for yourself, you may need to try something new entirely. Also, I think there is a bit of a "fake it till you make it" aspect to trying new things and getting out of your comfort zone. Whenever I am trying a new activity or group thing, I almost always have a strong feeling to stay home and not do it, because that's easier. I guess what I am saying is that I don't think you can just write out a list of things and decide if you like them without actually getting out there and joining a group and trying it.
Where I live, there are a couple of cool activities that I have heard have helped people with similar circumstances: (1) there is a music organization where people can take lessons in groups - even total beginners - and eventually they play a "gig" together at a local bar; the classes run for a few months and many people re-sign up with the same group to continue learning and playing together; (2) there is an arts studio where people can sign up for all kinds of art classes (pottery, painting, etc.) and many people sign up for the same groups to stay with the people they know. I also know a person who moved to a new city and met some friends by taking a "continuing education"-type course at a college in an area of literature that the person was interested in - a group of ~3-5 people would go to lunch after the class, which developed into friendships. Just a couple of ideas.
posted by Mid at 6:45 AM on January 3, 2023 [6 favorites]
Where I live, there are a couple of cool activities that I have heard have helped people with similar circumstances: (1) there is a music organization where people can take lessons in groups - even total beginners - and eventually they play a "gig" together at a local bar; the classes run for a few months and many people re-sign up with the same group to continue learning and playing together; (2) there is an arts studio where people can sign up for all kinds of art classes (pottery, painting, etc.) and many people sign up for the same groups to stay with the people they know. I also know a person who moved to a new city and met some friends by taking a "continuing education"-type course at a college in an area of literature that the person was interested in - a group of ~3-5 people would go to lunch after the class, which developed into friendships. Just a couple of ideas.
posted by Mid at 6:45 AM on January 3, 2023 [6 favorites]
Lots of online advice suggests joining clubs or other shared interest groups but I haven’t found that advixe helpful, mostly because my interests are solitary like listening to music or hiking. And turning those activities into the group version, like a group hike, sort of takes away from what I like about it, if that makes sense.
The problem here is that you are trying to combine two goals: (1) doing an activity in the way you most enjoy it and (2) meeting possible friends. I'd suggest going into it with the mindset that you are doing this activity because it seems like the place you are most likely to meet people you like, not that you are going to have optimal fun with the activity itself.
posted by mcduff at 6:48 AM on January 3, 2023 [24 favorites]
The problem here is that you are trying to combine two goals: (1) doing an activity in the way you most enjoy it and (2) meeting possible friends. I'd suggest going into it with the mindset that you are doing this activity because it seems like the place you are most likely to meet people you like, not that you are going to have optimal fun with the activity itself.
posted by mcduff at 6:48 AM on January 3, 2023 [24 favorites]
I've struggled with this a lot over the years, and unfortunately I don't have any better suggestions than "Join groups that require you to show up repeatedly for a period of weeks/months/years." Almost all of my friends (close and otherwise) are people I've volunteered with or sung in a chorus with.
Making friends as an introvert requires getting out of your comfort zone. It often requires spending more time with others than you would ordinarily prefer. Personally, "working towards a shared goal" is the easiest way for me to get to know people - hence the volunteering and choral singing.
You gotta get out there and meet people if you want to make friends. You don't have to be doing your favorite thing in the world. Heck, you don't even have to enjoy it. You might try taking an art class and hate it, or volunteer at a place and realize that it's horribly disorganized and frustrating. But you will meet some people in the process.
If signing up for something sounds too daunting, I will say that for me (I am moderately introverted but I've become more gregarious at least over time!) it helps to ease into human interaction by e.g. spending time at coffee shops or bars with a book. I've never forged a relationship closer than "acquaintance" from this kind of thing but it's extremely low-stakes and gets me more used to "being outside of my home" and "interacting with humans," which makes other kinds of social interaction feel like less of a stretch.
posted by mskyle at 6:50 AM on January 3, 2023 [9 favorites]
Making friends as an introvert requires getting out of your comfort zone. It often requires spending more time with others than you would ordinarily prefer. Personally, "working towards a shared goal" is the easiest way for me to get to know people - hence the volunteering and choral singing.
You gotta get out there and meet people if you want to make friends. You don't have to be doing your favorite thing in the world. Heck, you don't even have to enjoy it. You might try taking an art class and hate it, or volunteer at a place and realize that it's horribly disorganized and frustrating. But you will meet some people in the process.
If signing up for something sounds too daunting, I will say that for me (I am moderately introverted but I've become more gregarious at least over time!) it helps to ease into human interaction by e.g. spending time at coffee shops or bars with a book. I've never forged a relationship closer than "acquaintance" from this kind of thing but it's extremely low-stakes and gets me more used to "being outside of my home" and "interacting with humans," which makes other kinds of social interaction feel like less of a stretch.
posted by mskyle at 6:50 AM on January 3, 2023 [9 favorites]
I want to nth volunteering. It's s how I've met a lot of my adult friends. Volunteering can also be as an advocate for a cause you believe in. Doing that has the added bonus of making you feel better about the contributions you're making to the world.
posted by brookeb at 6:53 AM on January 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by brookeb at 6:53 AM on January 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
Friendships form most frequently in adults with frequent small interactions that slowly deepen over time.
This is why the recommendation of the group related to an interest is suggested. To really reap the benefits of this fact you must attend something, regularly for at least 6 months. Then reassess how it is going.
The group doesn't have to be a perfect fit interest wise, but it should be something you tolerate enough to spend 2 or so hours a week for 6 months. Don't think about it too hard.
Last time I did this, I attended a spiritual group with values that matched mine. I ended up making 2 friends that have lasted over a decade and we meet up about once a month for lunch even though the group is long disbanded.
Thre group wasn't a perfect fit, but it was something I decided to stick with and agree to any additional socialization especially in the beginning (such as lunch at a place I didn't like, went anyway). There were things about it were annoying, and people I didn't get along with too. But the point wasn't for me to have a perfect enjoyable experience, the point was for me to make friends, and I was able to do so.
posted by AlexiaSky at 6:53 AM on January 3, 2023 [7 favorites]
This is why the recommendation of the group related to an interest is suggested. To really reap the benefits of this fact you must attend something, regularly for at least 6 months. Then reassess how it is going.
The group doesn't have to be a perfect fit interest wise, but it should be something you tolerate enough to spend 2 or so hours a week for 6 months. Don't think about it too hard.
Last time I did this, I attended a spiritual group with values that matched mine. I ended up making 2 friends that have lasted over a decade and we meet up about once a month for lunch even though the group is long disbanded.
Thre group wasn't a perfect fit, but it was something I decided to stick with and agree to any additional socialization especially in the beginning (such as lunch at a place I didn't like, went anyway). There were things about it were annoying, and people I didn't get along with too. But the point wasn't for me to have a perfect enjoyable experience, the point was for me to make friends, and I was able to do so.
posted by AlexiaSky at 6:53 AM on January 3, 2023 [7 favorites]
I think it might help to define a bit more of the kind of friend you want (and want to be for someone). Not as something to share with them or some sort of checklist criteria, but just to know about yourself. That will help direct your efforts and tell you when you're on your way / got there. Here are some questions to consider answering for yourself — some answers will come with experience over time, that's ok!
Picture the ideal scenario for yourself, based on what you currently know, and answer with that in mind:
How often do I want to communicate with my friend? By what means?
Do I want somebody to talk to? How deeply? About what?
Do I want somebody to do stuff with? What kinds of things?
Where do I want my friend to be? Local? Online?
How involved do I want to be in their life? How much do I want them involved in mine? Think about birthdays, events, crisis, support, celebration, etc.
How open would I like to be with my friend? How open would I like them to be with me?
What matters to me about my friend? Gender? Age? Politics? Taste?
What should matter to my friend about me? (I want my friend to care about my [___])
What am I NOT willing to put up with?
What sorts of friendship things might make me uncomfortable?
What sorts of friendship things could make me happy / feel good?
Use whatever media — films, music, online stuff — as your guide too. What sorts of scenes, interactions do you respond to and in what ways? For example, I cringe at certain friendship tropes in films and just know that if I were in that situation I would NOT enjoy it. Other times, I see something and think, “ah man, I wish I had somebody around to say that to me.” Tells me a lot about the kind of friend I want and the kind of friend I want to be for someone too.
posted by iamkimiam at 6:54 AM on January 3, 2023 [5 favorites]
Picture the ideal scenario for yourself, based on what you currently know, and answer with that in mind:
How often do I want to communicate with my friend? By what means?
Do I want somebody to talk to? How deeply? About what?
Do I want somebody to do stuff with? What kinds of things?
Where do I want my friend to be? Local? Online?
How involved do I want to be in their life? How much do I want them involved in mine? Think about birthdays, events, crisis, support, celebration, etc.
How open would I like to be with my friend? How open would I like them to be with me?
What matters to me about my friend? Gender? Age? Politics? Taste?
What should matter to my friend about me? (I want my friend to care about my [___])
What am I NOT willing to put up with?
What sorts of friendship things might make me uncomfortable?
What sorts of friendship things could make me happy / feel good?
Use whatever media — films, music, online stuff — as your guide too. What sorts of scenes, interactions do you respond to and in what ways? For example, I cringe at certain friendship tropes in films and just know that if I were in that situation I would NOT enjoy it. Other times, I see something and think, “ah man, I wish I had somebody around to say that to me.” Tells me a lot about the kind of friend I want and the kind of friend I want to be for someone too.
posted by iamkimiam at 6:54 AM on January 3, 2023 [5 favorites]
Friends are what happens while you are busy doing other things. Most people, including yourself, will probably resist overt attempts to create a friendship as it feels artificial and stilted.
The only real way to make friends is repeated exposure in a safe environment where you are, of necessity, needing to interact with other people, preferably the same group of folks so you have time to meet, get some level of mutual understanding going and so forth.
Many people create friendships at workplaces, though they might not think of them as classic friendships. All the elements are there: repeated exposure, working together, random meetiings in hallways and offices.
The real question is where or how could you recreate the context that naturally leads to a connection? Volunteering at local animal shelters, part time work, joining a volunteer cause or program.....there's lots of ways to meet people once you are there. 99% of everything is showing up.
posted by diode at 6:57 AM on January 3, 2023 [7 favorites]
The only real way to make friends is repeated exposure in a safe environment where you are, of necessity, needing to interact with other people, preferably the same group of folks so you have time to meet, get some level of mutual understanding going and so forth.
Many people create friendships at workplaces, though they might not think of them as classic friendships. All the elements are there: repeated exposure, working together, random meetiings in hallways and offices.
The real question is where or how could you recreate the context that naturally leads to a connection? Volunteering at local animal shelters, part time work, joining a volunteer cause or program.....there's lots of ways to meet people once you are there. 99% of everything is showing up.
posted by diode at 6:57 AM on January 3, 2023 [7 favorites]
Do you live in a place where you feel like there are a lot of people who are somewhat similar to you? My parents, for instance, had a lot of trouble making friends because they moved from a liberal college town with a wide range of social classes to a largely upper middle class, conservative suburb where people tended to have business degrees or professional qualifications. It was very difficult to meet like-minded people no matter how much meeting you did. My mother made friends through work as a librarian in another town; my father made a couple of online friends through shared interests.
Anyway. If you live in a place where you think you can meet congenial people in the flesh, seek out a volunteer group with weekly shifts and regular practical meetings. Try several until you find one that is more or less aligned with your values. You may or may not find actual friends in this group, but you will find regular friendly social interactions and it will broaden your potential friend-finding- to find friends, you need to be in a milieu where people like you circulate, and you'll get into that milieu by volunteering. Follow some of your fellow volunteers on social media (assuming that feels reasonable based on their social media presence - if they have a really private-feeling social media presence, don't, but if they post about news/arts/etc, go ahead. This will help you to be more informed about the life of your town and region and will open up new opportunities to meet people.
Basically, you want to be gathering as much information/opportunity as possible through all media. When you are constantly going to a place to do your shift, you'll find out more about other volunteer and social opportunities, you'll meet people at random and you'll become familiar with a new part of your city. Take the opportunities that arise - is there a benefit event? Go to it (wearing as mask, probably). Does someone invite everyone to a party or bonfire? Go, even if you just drop in to say hello for half an hour. It may take a while - even a couple of years - but you will develop an increasing density of social ties and eventually you will make a real friend or two.
I am redoing my social life after the pandemic and after one of my activist social networks had a multiple-cause collapse, plus one of my best friends moved away, so now I'm down to just a couple of friends with busy schedules who I see a bit rarely. I was pretty worried about this because I'm an Old now so the social networks of youth are mostly cut off, more people are married, etc, but the same old volunteer/meet/friendly acquantainships path seems open even now. I haven't made any real friend-friends but I have a semi-friend who I chat with online a bit and I enjoy interacting with the other volunteers. I still need to keep working on it, but I was afraid it flat out wouldn't work at all.
posted by Frowner at 6:58 AM on January 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
Anyway. If you live in a place where you think you can meet congenial people in the flesh, seek out a volunteer group with weekly shifts and regular practical meetings. Try several until you find one that is more or less aligned with your values. You may or may not find actual friends in this group, but you will find regular friendly social interactions and it will broaden your potential friend-finding- to find friends, you need to be in a milieu where people like you circulate, and you'll get into that milieu by volunteering. Follow some of your fellow volunteers on social media (assuming that feels reasonable based on their social media presence - if they have a really private-feeling social media presence, don't, but if they post about news/arts/etc, go ahead. This will help you to be more informed about the life of your town and region and will open up new opportunities to meet people.
Basically, you want to be gathering as much information/opportunity as possible through all media. When you are constantly going to a place to do your shift, you'll find out more about other volunteer and social opportunities, you'll meet people at random and you'll become familiar with a new part of your city. Take the opportunities that arise - is there a benefit event? Go to it (wearing as mask, probably). Does someone invite everyone to a party or bonfire? Go, even if you just drop in to say hello for half an hour. It may take a while - even a couple of years - but you will develop an increasing density of social ties and eventually you will make a real friend or two.
I am redoing my social life after the pandemic and after one of my activist social networks had a multiple-cause collapse, plus one of my best friends moved away, so now I'm down to just a couple of friends with busy schedules who I see a bit rarely. I was pretty worried about this because I'm an Old now so the social networks of youth are mostly cut off, more people are married, etc, but the same old volunteer/meet/friendly acquantainships path seems open even now. I haven't made any real friend-friends but I have a semi-friend who I chat with online a bit and I enjoy interacting with the other volunteers. I still need to keep working on it, but I was afraid it flat out wouldn't work at all.
posted by Frowner at 6:58 AM on January 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I had almost no real friends all through my 30s. That was caused by me stopping doing a very social thing (being very involved in a hiking club), getting married (a few single friends kind of saw that as "selling out" which, good riddance), and then having a child. Social time was mostly with parents of my kid's friends or school activities. While there were some good people there, I didn't get along with most of the dads (they were all Business Men) and almost no "real" friends came out of it.
I still don't have the Four Strong Buddies who can help me move a two ton weight into my basement, but I have friends. Some good ones. Some dear ones. Friendships I cherish.
This took some luck, but mostly it took work on my part. Now, not only do I have friends, but I have the pride that goes with getting over a fear. Flying, heights, public speaking, dogs, power tools, and being social. I got over them all by getting out of my comfort zone. I decided I needed to get over them and I put in the work to do it. I'm coming for you, centipedes.
I was, like you, very introverted. At work or in the hiking club I made some friends and had plenty of social time, but outside those areas I was mostly a basket case. I had a lot of old wounds from my being bullied all through my childhood and very little in the way of self esteem. Why would anyone want to like me?
So I put in the work. It's gonna take work.
Number one is, you have to get out of your comfort zone. I love being alone. I love spending time by myself doing my hobbies or just watching TV. If I was in a room with a stranger I would just stay silent and if they talked to me I would hardly say a word.
So... go to a MeFi meetup. Go to a concert alone. Go to a group activity. And at some point, turn to the person next to you and start up a conversation. It's very difficult, but all you need is an icebreaker. "Hey, what did you think of that first set?" "So, what does your MeFi username mean?" "Man, did you see that Nazi fall into that manhole. That ruled!"
I want to be clear: This can be VERY DIFFICULT to do. But friends aren't going to magically appear, you have to put yourself out there, no matter how difficult it may be. Put in the work.
Number two, be likable. I was that young idiot who told racist jokes ("oh but it's not racist if I don't really mean it!"), commented about large people, was brought up homophobic. Just... a very unlikeable person. Or perhaps liked by the wrong people. At some point I grew up and just kind of pulled away from all that. Stop judging people. Be kind. Be empathetic. Treat homelesss people with dignity. Be nice to service workers. Just be a good person. I'm not saying you're not a good person, but perhaps there are qualities about you that you don't care for. Work on changing them. You need to like yourself before you can expect other people to like you.
Be active on social media. This was huge for me. I know everyone says Twitter is a hell scape (even more lately) but you can weed out your timeline. I never really made friends with too many MeFites until we became mutuals on Twitter. Over the past few years I've travelled to a few cities and now there's always someone to have dinner with wherever I go. It's awesome! And yes, on-line friends are friends. Some of these folks I've only met in person once, some not at all, but they're friends.
But I suspect you're looking for local friends. Again, you have to put yourself out there. MeFI meetups, while they seemed to have gone away during COVID, will probably start being a thing again. Hiking alone is a very different experience but try hiking in a group some time. It's fun. It's fun to share things.
Do you have any interest in Improv? I joined a regular improv workshop and not only did I make friends, but doing improv really helped me getting out of that zone. Almost ten years on it can still be difficult to stand up and join in a skit, but I still force myself to and it has helped immensely.
I went to some concerts this past week by myself and I was seated with the same people all four nights. By the end of the run we had all exchanged contact info. We hugged at midnight on New Years Eve. Will we become friends? I don't know. I suspect I will see them again and perhaps a friendship will come out of it. This would never have happened to me ten or fifteen years ago. I would not have gone to a show alone. But now I do because I know I can put myself out there, force myself out of my comfort zone, and strike up a conversation with a total stranger.
It's gonna take time, and it's gonna take work. But it's worth it. Good luck.
posted by bondcliff at 7:06 AM on January 3, 2023 [32 favorites]
I still don't have the Four Strong Buddies who can help me move a two ton weight into my basement, but I have friends. Some good ones. Some dear ones. Friendships I cherish.
This took some luck, but mostly it took work on my part. Now, not only do I have friends, but I have the pride that goes with getting over a fear. Flying, heights, public speaking, dogs, power tools, and being social. I got over them all by getting out of my comfort zone. I decided I needed to get over them and I put in the work to do it. I'm coming for you, centipedes.
I was, like you, very introverted. At work or in the hiking club I made some friends and had plenty of social time, but outside those areas I was mostly a basket case. I had a lot of old wounds from my being bullied all through my childhood and very little in the way of self esteem. Why would anyone want to like me?
So I put in the work. It's gonna take work.
Number one is, you have to get out of your comfort zone. I love being alone. I love spending time by myself doing my hobbies or just watching TV. If I was in a room with a stranger I would just stay silent and if they talked to me I would hardly say a word.
So... go to a MeFi meetup. Go to a concert alone. Go to a group activity. And at some point, turn to the person next to you and start up a conversation. It's very difficult, but all you need is an icebreaker. "Hey, what did you think of that first set?" "So, what does your MeFi username mean?" "Man, did you see that Nazi fall into that manhole. That ruled!"
I want to be clear: This can be VERY DIFFICULT to do. But friends aren't going to magically appear, you have to put yourself out there, no matter how difficult it may be. Put in the work.
Number two, be likable. I was that young idiot who told racist jokes ("oh but it's not racist if I don't really mean it!"), commented about large people, was brought up homophobic. Just... a very unlikeable person. Or perhaps liked by the wrong people. At some point I grew up and just kind of pulled away from all that. Stop judging people. Be kind. Be empathetic. Treat homelesss people with dignity. Be nice to service workers. Just be a good person. I'm not saying you're not a good person, but perhaps there are qualities about you that you don't care for. Work on changing them. You need to like yourself before you can expect other people to like you.
Be active on social media. This was huge for me. I know everyone says Twitter is a hell scape (even more lately) but you can weed out your timeline. I never really made friends with too many MeFites until we became mutuals on Twitter. Over the past few years I've travelled to a few cities and now there's always someone to have dinner with wherever I go. It's awesome! And yes, on-line friends are friends. Some of these folks I've only met in person once, some not at all, but they're friends.
But I suspect you're looking for local friends. Again, you have to put yourself out there. MeFI meetups, while they seemed to have gone away during COVID, will probably start being a thing again. Hiking alone is a very different experience but try hiking in a group some time. It's fun. It's fun to share things.
Do you have any interest in Improv? I joined a regular improv workshop and not only did I make friends, but doing improv really helped me getting out of that zone. Almost ten years on it can still be difficult to stand up and join in a skit, but I still force myself to and it has helped immensely.
I went to some concerts this past week by myself and I was seated with the same people all four nights. By the end of the run we had all exchanged contact info. We hugged at midnight on New Years Eve. Will we become friends? I don't know. I suspect I will see them again and perhaps a friendship will come out of it. This would never have happened to me ten or fifteen years ago. I would not have gone to a show alone. But now I do because I know I can put myself out there, force myself out of my comfort zone, and strike up a conversation with a total stranger.
It's gonna take time, and it's gonna take work. But it's worth it. Good luck.
posted by bondcliff at 7:06 AM on January 3, 2023 [32 favorites]
I am very introverted and have very strong friendships, which I have developed consciously after having a pretty clean break from literally everyone I knew growing up in my 20s.
Most of those friendships are from joining things online and having those develop into IRL friendships. I joined fan spaces on LJ, met up with people at cons and stayed in touch. My biggest Ah-Ha! Was finding a couple of extroverts I really like and just … getting absorbed into their friends group.
I think for someone very introverted like us, starting with online friendships is easier than trying to figure out what to say in person to form those bonds. If you know each other from the internet, you already have things to talk about!
I currently have a lot of friends from joining groups on fb for local interests. For example, I am a part of a photography group that’s local. They do meetups, but I never go. I don’t have an interest in taking photos with other people (much like your hiking example). But I regularly share my work and interact with the things other people post. I deliberately engage in conversation and bring good feelings. From doing this, I have made friends! It started from talking on the phone together about cool things we were taking pictures of and where to find them. But because we are also Internet Friends we could talk about family and other interests. I have found that asking questions and for advice is a great way to start friendships in those kinds of groups. I am currently cultivating a whole bunch of new budding friendships in some plant groups by this method. I’m a n00b and I compliment people, tell them I’m learning from what they post and ask questions (after making sure it’s not a question I can answer myself).
I think being open to new hobbies and experiences makes it easier to make friends. I have a hard time making friends within hobbies where I feel like an expert. I think it’s because being a little vulnerable and open - critical to learning things - is also good for making friends! That spark of newness and joy that passes between people comes with doing something new together. Taking a chance and either having it pay off or rolling with the disaster together is great for friendships. Getting just slightly out of your comfort zone - say a camping trip with people you only sort of know to do some out of the way hikes - can make some really lasting bonds. Just stay up late around a fire and it’s like … almost impossible NOT to become friends.
posted by Bottlecap at 7:29 AM on January 3, 2023 [5 favorites]
Most of those friendships are from joining things online and having those develop into IRL friendships. I joined fan spaces on LJ, met up with people at cons and stayed in touch. My biggest Ah-Ha! Was finding a couple of extroverts I really like and just … getting absorbed into their friends group.
I think for someone very introverted like us, starting with online friendships is easier than trying to figure out what to say in person to form those bonds. If you know each other from the internet, you already have things to talk about!
I currently have a lot of friends from joining groups on fb for local interests. For example, I am a part of a photography group that’s local. They do meetups, but I never go. I don’t have an interest in taking photos with other people (much like your hiking example). But I regularly share my work and interact with the things other people post. I deliberately engage in conversation and bring good feelings. From doing this, I have made friends! It started from talking on the phone together about cool things we were taking pictures of and where to find them. But because we are also Internet Friends we could talk about family and other interests. I have found that asking questions and for advice is a great way to start friendships in those kinds of groups. I am currently cultivating a whole bunch of new budding friendships in some plant groups by this method. I’m a n00b and I compliment people, tell them I’m learning from what they post and ask questions (after making sure it’s not a question I can answer myself).
I think being open to new hobbies and experiences makes it easier to make friends. I have a hard time making friends within hobbies where I feel like an expert. I think it’s because being a little vulnerable and open - critical to learning things - is also good for making friends! That spark of newness and joy that passes between people comes with doing something new together. Taking a chance and either having it pay off or rolling with the disaster together is great for friendships. Getting just slightly out of your comfort zone - say a camping trip with people you only sort of know to do some out of the way hikes - can make some really lasting bonds. Just stay up late around a fire and it’s like … almost impossible NOT to become friends.
posted by Bottlecap at 7:29 AM on January 3, 2023 [5 favorites]
mcduff is right - you don't have to like hiking in a group to potentially meet a future friend there (who you can then decide to just hike one-on-one with later).
Use the pandemic to your advantage - a lot of people are feeling rusty, and many people who moved to a new city during the pandemic are in a similar position as you. I think most people are a bit more forgiving of awkwardness these days.
You didn't mention anything about your workplace. Is there anyone there who seems remotely interesting to you? You can start with small talk, and if you seem to click with someone, ask them if they like hiking or some other activity you'd enjoy doing.
But yeah, like others have said - this will be hard. Don't interpret it being challenging as "I'm doing this wrong." It may require trying out multiple hiking groups, going on numerous Bumble BFF meetups, etc. But once you make one friend, it becomes so much easier to make a second friend. My main advice for Bumble BFF is don't plan meetups around sitting still (i.e. lunch or coffee) but something active that gets you out in the world (going to a museum, hike, etc.) - it will make lulls in the conversation less awkward.
posted by coffeecat at 7:33 AM on January 3, 2023 [4 favorites]
Use the pandemic to your advantage - a lot of people are feeling rusty, and many people who moved to a new city during the pandemic are in a similar position as you. I think most people are a bit more forgiving of awkwardness these days.
You didn't mention anything about your workplace. Is there anyone there who seems remotely interesting to you? You can start with small talk, and if you seem to click with someone, ask them if they like hiking or some other activity you'd enjoy doing.
But yeah, like others have said - this will be hard. Don't interpret it being challenging as "I'm doing this wrong." It may require trying out multiple hiking groups, going on numerous Bumble BFF meetups, etc. But once you make one friend, it becomes so much easier to make a second friend. My main advice for Bumble BFF is don't plan meetups around sitting still (i.e. lunch or coffee) but something active that gets you out in the world (going to a museum, hike, etc.) - it will make lulls in the conversation less awkward.
posted by coffeecat at 7:33 AM on January 3, 2023 [4 favorites]
Lots of online advice suggests joining clubs or other shared interest groups but I haven’t found that advixe helpful, mostly because my interests are solitary like listening to music or hiking. And turning those activities into the group version, like a group hike, sort of takes away from what I like about it, if that makes sense.
When you imagine having friends, what do you imagine doing with them?
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:40 AM on January 3, 2023 [9 favorites]
When you imagine having friends, what do you imagine doing with them?
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:40 AM on January 3, 2023 [9 favorites]
What is it that you want to get out of having friends? Given that you say you don't actually like spending time with people and don't want company for any of the activities you enjoy? Is it just because you feel like you ought to have them?
posted by Jacqueline at 9:07 AM on January 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Jacqueline at 9:07 AM on January 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
My top two pieces of advice: Be a regular somewhere. If you go to the same bar (record store, gaming event, dog park, hiking trail) at the same time every week, you will start to see a lot of the same folks! Slowly you will start smiling at one another! Eventually this turns to chitchat! And then onward, perhaps.
It's less about common interest than about responding to a common environment. It's hard to establish friendships based on common interests because....well lots of different kinds of people like hiking or whatever. The bigger thing you'll have in common with someone is response to a common environment, ie, being in the same place at the same time.
posted by Charity Garfein at 9:11 AM on January 3, 2023 [9 favorites]
It's less about common interest than about responding to a common environment. It's hard to establish friendships based on common interests because....well lots of different kinds of people like hiking or whatever. The bigger thing you'll have in common with someone is response to a common environment, ie, being in the same place at the same time.
posted by Charity Garfein at 9:11 AM on January 3, 2023 [9 favorites]
Are you dating? That can also be a good way to meet new friends, even if there's no romantic connection.
posted by pinochiette at 10:48 AM on January 3, 2023
posted by pinochiette at 10:48 AM on January 3, 2023
You're getting a lot of advice to meet people in small doses frequently, which I think works for the majority, but imo gets less effective the more introverted you are. I say this as someone who has a LOT of niche interests of the kind that involve you seeing a group of people for an hour a week and always have had. I've made plenty of friendly acquaintances that way but never anything that meets my understanding of a meaningful connection.
I have a small number of deep friendships. That's been the pattern for me since childhood; I wouldn't necessarily consider myself introverted, but I'm not neurotypical, which I'm sure is a factor. The places I've made good friends are: 1)work, including voluntary work, but only in jobs where we had certain shared values 2)residential courses of various kinds, including hobbyist courses 3)retreats. If you aren't great at progressing from small talk to something deeper the external structure of such settings does some of the work for you. What these settings had in common was sustained contact for a unified block of time rather than little and often. A week is the minimum sweet spot for me. I realise that sounds counterintuitive if you're introverted and need a lot of alone time, but my sense is such settings have a lot of being-passively-together and natural quietness built in without breaking the continuous contact that friendship formation needs.
posted by Ballad of Peckham Rye at 11:21 AM on January 3, 2023 [4 favorites]
I have a small number of deep friendships. That's been the pattern for me since childhood; I wouldn't necessarily consider myself introverted, but I'm not neurotypical, which I'm sure is a factor. The places I've made good friends are: 1)work, including voluntary work, but only in jobs where we had certain shared values 2)residential courses of various kinds, including hobbyist courses 3)retreats. If you aren't great at progressing from small talk to something deeper the external structure of such settings does some of the work for you. What these settings had in common was sustained contact for a unified block of time rather than little and often. A week is the minimum sweet spot for me. I realise that sounds counterintuitive if you're introverted and need a lot of alone time, but my sense is such settings have a lot of being-passively-together and natural quietness built in without breaking the continuous contact that friendship formation needs.
posted by Ballad of Peckham Rye at 11:21 AM on January 3, 2023 [4 favorites]
Do you live in an area where there’s a community art studio? That might be a good opportunity to make friends even if you don’t consider yourself artistic — it’s the way I’ve made most of my “new” friends in middle age. I signed up for one pottery class and truly enjoyed the people that I met. Then I became a member of the studio. The art scene is both singular and social … people are very friendly and while you aren’t doing the activity as a “team” you’re all invested in the outcome. It’s an uplifting and supportive environment. It’s $140 a month to join my local art studio and that includes “open studio” access. So it becomes a place to show up on your own schedule and chill with the people who are working there. You can go as little or as often as you want. It’s the best investment in my happiness that I’ve made in recent years.
So … maybe looking at a community art studio that offers memberships and open studio hours would be a good thing to try. I find that there are a lot of other people there in their 40s and 50s because they’re looking for new activities and less involved in kid obligations.
I’m an introvert too, but the art studio is filled with tons of opportunities for positive conversations.
posted by Ostara at 11:23 AM on January 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
So … maybe looking at a community art studio that offers memberships and open studio hours would be a good thing to try. I find that there are a lot of other people there in their 40s and 50s because they’re looking for new activities and less involved in kid obligations.
I’m an introvert too, but the art studio is filled with tons of opportunities for positive conversations.
posted by Ostara at 11:23 AM on January 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
I think its correct that the place to meet friends is in interest groups... but that's not where you are going to stay friends, necessarily. You may be conflating the two, but the reason one is a friend to another is that one actively cares about and is interested in the other person (not in your shared interests).
I have about 5 good friends - defined as I could pick up the phone and call them and they would happily chat with me, and we have some shared history and a deep knowledge of each others' lives, emotions, and issues. Of those friends, we all shared a space that we met each other in (college, work, and one hobby) but we are now far beyond that point. We stay friends now years past those places and interests.
The best way to make friends is to find people you like enough to get to know and are trustworthy enough to be vulnerable with. But you gotta meet a bunch of people first.
posted by RajahKing at 11:25 AM on January 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
I have about 5 good friends - defined as I could pick up the phone and call them and they would happily chat with me, and we have some shared history and a deep knowledge of each others' lives, emotions, and issues. Of those friends, we all shared a space that we met each other in (college, work, and one hobby) but we are now far beyond that point. We stay friends now years past those places and interests.
The best way to make friends is to find people you like enough to get to know and are trustworthy enough to be vulnerable with. But you gotta meet a bunch of people first.
posted by RajahKing at 11:25 AM on January 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
One or two friends with whom you have a deep connection is great, and something not everyone works to cultivate, so good on you for figuring this out.
I did some time on Bumble BFF, and I'm going to encourage you to just get over your hesitation. Yes, folks list interests, because it's hard to list personality traits of other ways to connect because meeting up is the best way to figure that out (just like in dating). I found the women on there to be pretty friendly and game to meet up and chat.
Also, there's a huge difference between solo hikes and hiking in a group. Hiking sometimes on your own and sometimes with one friend, for example, is pretty far from hiking in groups. So what happens if you match with someone on Bumble BFF and decide to go on a hike together? It could be a nice way to spend some time chatting with someone, doing something you like anyway. Or maybe a short walk in the park instead.
There aren't really cheat codes. It takes time. I've put a lot of time and energy into cultivating friendships the past few years, and it takes just that: time and energy.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:52 PM on January 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
I did some time on Bumble BFF, and I'm going to encourage you to just get over your hesitation. Yes, folks list interests, because it's hard to list personality traits of other ways to connect because meeting up is the best way to figure that out (just like in dating). I found the women on there to be pretty friendly and game to meet up and chat.
Also, there's a huge difference between solo hikes and hiking in a group. Hiking sometimes on your own and sometimes with one friend, for example, is pretty far from hiking in groups. So what happens if you match with someone on Bumble BFF and decide to go on a hike together? It could be a nice way to spend some time chatting with someone, doing something you like anyway. Or maybe a short walk in the park instead.
There aren't really cheat codes. It takes time. I've put a lot of time and energy into cultivating friendships the past few years, and it takes just that: time and energy.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:52 PM on January 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
I think it's wonderful and brave that you're working on this. Just based on your question you sound like a thoughtful person, willing to examine himself, and I have faith you can do this!
Agree that unfortunately, it is just, do group activities.
Try to release the pressure a bit and don't expect this will gel on the first or 5th try. Just say to yourself: "I'm going to this hiking group today, and my goal is to practice my 3 conversation starters, ask 3 questions, and ask 3 follow up questions." If you make a friend at the end, great, but if not, you've gotten the chance to practice your friend-making skills.
Meet-up type groups about things you like to do (even if you prefer to do those alone), volunteering, or joining a board or activist group are all the ways we tend to make friends in this life. Or co-workers if you notice for example a potential bud has a screen saver about a movie you like or something that could be an entry to start chatting with them periodically.
posted by latkes at 1:27 PM on January 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
Agree that unfortunately, it is just, do group activities.
Try to release the pressure a bit and don't expect this will gel on the first or 5th try. Just say to yourself: "I'm going to this hiking group today, and my goal is to practice my 3 conversation starters, ask 3 questions, and ask 3 follow up questions." If you make a friend at the end, great, but if not, you've gotten the chance to practice your friend-making skills.
Meet-up type groups about things you like to do (even if you prefer to do those alone), volunteering, or joining a board or activist group are all the ways we tend to make friends in this life. Or co-workers if you notice for example a potential bud has a screen saver about a movie you like or something that could be an entry to start chatting with them periodically.
posted by latkes at 1:27 PM on January 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
I'll also add my own little friend making protip, which is to just go ahead and be awkward.
As a few folks have said, meeting people is only the first step. Once you've put yourself into these situations where you're meeting new people--potential friends--taking that next step is crucial to making these acquaintances into friendships.
After you meet someone a few times and get a good vibe from them, tell them! Say so! It's flattering to be liked, so even if it comes out sounding awkward and weird, anyone who is going to be a good friend to you is going to be ok with that. It's totally fine to say to someone: "I like you and think we could be friends. Would you like to get together next weekend to [go to the museum, hike the such and such, etc]?"
posted by phunniemee at 2:12 PM on January 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
As a few folks have said, meeting people is only the first step. Once you've put yourself into these situations where you're meeting new people--potential friends--taking that next step is crucial to making these acquaintances into friendships.
After you meet someone a few times and get a good vibe from them, tell them! Say so! It's flattering to be liked, so even if it comes out sounding awkward and weird, anyone who is going to be a good friend to you is going to be ok with that. It's totally fine to say to someone: "I like you and think we could be friends. Would you like to get together next weekend to [go to the museum, hike the such and such, etc]?"
posted by phunniemee at 2:12 PM on January 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
I have only made friends the “wrong” ways as an adult, but I’m going to mention them anyway because 1) as mentioned, it’s worked for me and 2) the traditional advice doesn’t work for everyone, and doesn’t seem to appeal to you. Also, it sounds like you’re looking for a close friend or two, not a community of hiking bros or improv classmates or whatever.
-romantic relationships that didn’t work out
-bonding at work with someone who hates the same things about work I do
-twitter strangers
-going to anything I’m invited to (by family, coworkers, etc) and finding the other loner at the edge of the party (you have to be self-aware enough to sense when you’re bothering them, but typically wallflowers speak the same language and can sense this easily)
To turn initial interactions into friendships, you just communicate regularly (text) and like dating, take the initiative to invite them out or over. I like to get two concert tickets as soon as they’re on sale, and figure out who’d like to go later.
posted by kapers at 2:14 PM on January 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
-romantic relationships that didn’t work out
-bonding at work with someone who hates the same things about work I do
-twitter strangers
-going to anything I’m invited to (by family, coworkers, etc) and finding the other loner at the edge of the party (you have to be self-aware enough to sense when you’re bothering them, but typically wallflowers speak the same language and can sense this easily)
To turn initial interactions into friendships, you just communicate regularly (text) and like dating, take the initiative to invite them out or over. I like to get two concert tickets as soon as they’re on sale, and figure out who’d like to go later.
posted by kapers at 2:14 PM on January 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I have some advice based on my own experience but it seems counter to most advice, so I don't know if it is good advice or not. Like you and others above, one day I was approaching middle age and looked around and suddenly realized: I have no friend. The reasons why don't matter because it was a similar feeling of being kind of horrified and yet not, yet definitely wanting to change the situation. (I had a somewhat similar experience in my late twenties when one day I realized: oh my goodness, I have not listened to music as a thing in and of itself, just really listened to any music for its own sake, for like two years, maybe that is part of why I am so dissatisfied. There too, it doesn't matter why I didn't listen to music per se for two years, I just didn't And when I changed that, it had a profound impact.) This is all just to say that this is a very normal and common situation.
I didn't do anything to change that involved finding new groups of people or new interests. To me, that was antithetical to what I was trying to do and what I hoped for, and I resonate with much of what you say in that regard.
What I did was look around in my current life, and also my past life, and I just really noticed the people who were there. I just observed people for quite some time, and noticed them -- their qualities, personalities, things I felt drawn to or curious about or comforted by. These were people at work, in the neighborhood, other places I frequented (that's important, to frequent places) but none of them were members of "groups" or engaging in "interests." Some of them I knew and some of them I didn't, but I didn't think of them as "strangers" because they were somehow all around, once I started noticing them: people in my world but not in my life.
And then, this is embarrassing to admit, but what I did was smile more and kind of acknowledge them, and then eventually I reached out to one or two and I kind of just told them. I mean I really said something like: "Would you like to have lunch or take a walk around the block or walk to the coffee shop together sometime? This might sound strange but I'm trying to make new positive connections with people and maybe make a friend." I also got in touch with one or two people from my past, not friends, but just people I had worked with or known, and liked, and said the same thing.
I will tell you that I had massive anxiety about this, and even more so when most if not all of them (not hordes, like three people) said: sure! I hadn't had a friend in so long I didn't even know how to have a friend or what to do. So, and this is even more embarrassing, but I "researched" what friends do, and how they act, and how you know you are a friend or someone is a friend to you, and I just kind of "learned" that way. It was like learning how to ride a bike again, but not even really remembering if you ever did ride a bike in childhood or not.
If what you are really looking for is a true friend, not just someone to hang out with, I somewhat disagree that the only route to that is through lots and lots and lots of people and then through set "stages" of a relationship until you get to "deep connection." Deep connections are rooted in honesty, trust, awareness, and gentle offerings of the self and acceptances of another self and that foundation can be laid immediately in your interactions with people.
So maybe start not by doing something new, but looking around and just noticing who and what is already around.
I now have three profoundly deep, but very different friendships, which bring me to tears with gratitude. Each of them started differently, but in some version of the above scenario and with me at some point saying some version of "would you maybe like to try to be friends?" which sounds like playground talk but works for adults too.
Everyone who is worth having as a deeply connected friend is open to your friendship. They might be there already.
posted by desert exile at 8:00 PM on January 3, 2023 [20 favorites]
I didn't do anything to change that involved finding new groups of people or new interests. To me, that was antithetical to what I was trying to do and what I hoped for, and I resonate with much of what you say in that regard.
What I did was look around in my current life, and also my past life, and I just really noticed the people who were there. I just observed people for quite some time, and noticed them -- their qualities, personalities, things I felt drawn to or curious about or comforted by. These were people at work, in the neighborhood, other places I frequented (that's important, to frequent places) but none of them were members of "groups" or engaging in "interests." Some of them I knew and some of them I didn't, but I didn't think of them as "strangers" because they were somehow all around, once I started noticing them: people in my world but not in my life.
And then, this is embarrassing to admit, but what I did was smile more and kind of acknowledge them, and then eventually I reached out to one or two and I kind of just told them. I mean I really said something like: "Would you like to have lunch or take a walk around the block or walk to the coffee shop together sometime? This might sound strange but I'm trying to make new positive connections with people and maybe make a friend." I also got in touch with one or two people from my past, not friends, but just people I had worked with or known, and liked, and said the same thing.
I will tell you that I had massive anxiety about this, and even more so when most if not all of them (not hordes, like three people) said: sure! I hadn't had a friend in so long I didn't even know how to have a friend or what to do. So, and this is even more embarrassing, but I "researched" what friends do, and how they act, and how you know you are a friend or someone is a friend to you, and I just kind of "learned" that way. It was like learning how to ride a bike again, but not even really remembering if you ever did ride a bike in childhood or not.
If what you are really looking for is a true friend, not just someone to hang out with, I somewhat disagree that the only route to that is through lots and lots and lots of people and then through set "stages" of a relationship until you get to "deep connection." Deep connections are rooted in honesty, trust, awareness, and gentle offerings of the self and acceptances of another self and that foundation can be laid immediately in your interactions with people.
So maybe start not by doing something new, but looking around and just noticing who and what is already around.
I now have three profoundly deep, but very different friendships, which bring me to tears with gratitude. Each of them started differently, but in some version of the above scenario and with me at some point saying some version of "would you maybe like to try to be friends?" which sounds like playground talk but works for adults too.
Everyone who is worth having as a deeply connected friend is open to your friendship. They might be there already.
posted by desert exile at 8:00 PM on January 3, 2023 [20 favorites]
I gotta say that dating apps are probably not the place to make friends, especially if you're not very social. However, someone above recommended it so clearly it's working for some people! I'm a 39yo woman who'd be very happy to meet a 47yo male friend in other ways but definitely not in any sort of dating scenario even if the intentions are platonic. You're not a creep but too many creeps are on the apps and it could get confusing or uncomfortable.
How about an online language class if that's your style? It's a highly structured environment with positive interaction. You're risking learning something new with strangers but that shared experience can be so lovely. You have a chill environment -- if it's run well -- and regular interaction with fellow nerdy folks of different ages and backgrounds. It's got slow friendship growth, which is very appealing for busy adults. Online friends are real friends, too!
posted by smorgasbord at 8:43 PM on January 3, 2023
How about an online language class if that's your style? It's a highly structured environment with positive interaction. You're risking learning something new with strangers but that shared experience can be so lovely. You have a chill environment -- if it's run well -- and regular interaction with fellow nerdy folks of different ages and backgrounds. It's got slow friendship growth, which is very appealing for busy adults. Online friends are real friends, too!
posted by smorgasbord at 8:43 PM on January 3, 2023
One thing I’ve learned from moving a lot is that, although the particular time and situation in which my mother gave me the advice “it takes a friend to make a friend” when I was a kid was … not ideal, in general it’s good advice. That is, you have to invite people to do stuff or spend time with you. Want a friend who will help you with necessary but less fun tasks or through difficult times? Be that person for others (more than half of whom won’t reciprocate, but the ones that do stand a good chance of developing into strong friendship). Want a friend who will help you celebrate positive events in your life? Also be that person for other people. (More people will reciprocate this, though I personally seek out friendships with people who share both sorrows and joys with me, so the former tends to be more the weed-out sort of factor, I find.)
How do you find the people to extend invitations to? A variety of ways already covered above. I second Frowners’ suggestion that volunteering or activism can be a quicker way to get to know people on a deeper level that may be more satisfying to you than hobby- or interest-based group. (And if you’re doing something like volunteering at a soup kitchen, you know that you’re not doing it for you, so you’re less likely to run into the situation of being disappointed and the sub-par group experience with an activity that you enjoy doing solo.) But no matter what, at some point you have to extend invitations (which is really the subject of desert exile’s comment; their point that you may already have these people in your life rather than needing to find new people is also good advice, however, though one of the other comments above about maybe not living somewhere where you have much in common with the people around you might apply more depending on your situation).
It might be helpful to decide on an amount of time each week or month that you feel comfortable or safe dedicating to this project (extending invitations does involve social risk), and plan in recovery time and rewards to yourself to balance out the discomfort and mitigate the occasional rejections that you will experience.
posted by eviemath at 5:58 AM on January 4, 2023
How do you find the people to extend invitations to? A variety of ways already covered above. I second Frowners’ suggestion that volunteering or activism can be a quicker way to get to know people on a deeper level that may be more satisfying to you than hobby- or interest-based group. (And if you’re doing something like volunteering at a soup kitchen, you know that you’re not doing it for you, so you’re less likely to run into the situation of being disappointed and the sub-par group experience with an activity that you enjoy doing solo.) But no matter what, at some point you have to extend invitations (which is really the subject of desert exile’s comment; their point that you may already have these people in your life rather than needing to find new people is also good advice, however, though one of the other comments above about maybe not living somewhere where you have much in common with the people around you might apply more depending on your situation).
It might be helpful to decide on an amount of time each week or month that you feel comfortable or safe dedicating to this project (extending invitations does involve social risk), and plan in recovery time and rewards to yourself to balance out the discomfort and mitigate the occasional rejections that you will experience.
posted by eviemath at 5:58 AM on January 4, 2023
What I've found for me is, the ways I form a genuinely deep friendship are
My big interests are music and languages. So for me, I've made close friends by roadtripping to music events with people, being in a performance choir where singers from all over the country got together for weekend-long marathon rehearsals, and doing linguistic fieldwork where we hitchhiked around another country together. I think other people tick these boxes by going to Burning Man with a group, going on intense boating or climbing trips, getting really serious about improv, joining Crossfit gyms, etc.
If you're anything like me, you might find that a weekly walk through the state forest doesn't meet your needs — and what you need to bond with someone is a single two-week hike through the middle of nowhere.
(If you're not already involved in an activity that's conducive to that sort of time commitment, though, step one is the weekly walk in the state forest. Sorry.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:32 AM on January 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
- Commit to spending a fixed amount of time together, either a recurring date or a long commitment.
- Come as close as possible to living together — eat meals together, share space, spend a whole weekend or week.
- Do challenging things together.
- Have shared goals that we really both care about.
My big interests are music and languages. So for me, I've made close friends by roadtripping to music events with people, being in a performance choir where singers from all over the country got together for weekend-long marathon rehearsals, and doing linguistic fieldwork where we hitchhiked around another country together. I think other people tick these boxes by going to Burning Man with a group, going on intense boating or climbing trips, getting really serious about improv, joining Crossfit gyms, etc.
If you're anything like me, you might find that a weekly walk through the state forest doesn't meet your needs — and what you need to bond with someone is a single two-week hike through the middle of nowhere.
(If you're not already involved in an activity that's conducive to that sort of time commitment, though, step one is the weekly walk in the state forest. Sorry.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:32 AM on January 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
It's cliche but nthing the suggestion of volunteering in some local organization. Make yourself useful by offering to do X or Y and you will begin to make friends.
posted by bluesky43 at 5:38 PM on January 5, 2023
posted by bluesky43 at 5:38 PM on January 5, 2023
This thread is closed to new comments.
-Click over to IRL and organize a mefi meetup in your area.
-Find new interests. This one is good even if you don't make a single friend from it. You can always try new things, there's nothing in the world stopping you. Take a knitting class, go to the theater, join a recreational pickleball league, etc.
posted by phunniemee at 6:17 AM on January 3, 2023 [14 favorites]