[Badass filter] How to stop taking sh*t from other people
June 7, 2018 9:31 PM Subscribe
Practical examples and scripts please!
I have resting nice face, and was bullied in my childhood (possibly relevant) so sometimes people try to give me sh*t and currently my response is to just let the silence reverberate and stay calm and change the subject / leave the conversation. This works somewhat? As it makes people uncomfortable and they trail off, so in my head this is like not taking the sh*t and letting them keep holding it? LOL sorry for the visual - but anyway, I would like more options on my menu of responses.
Anyone here with examples and anecdata on how to be more cool/badass and make sh*tgivers realise they're being rude / closeminded idiots? Thanks!
I have resting nice face, and was bullied in my childhood (possibly relevant) so sometimes people try to give me sh*t and currently my response is to just let the silence reverberate and stay calm and change the subject / leave the conversation. This works somewhat? As it makes people uncomfortable and they trail off, so in my head this is like not taking the sh*t and letting them keep holding it? LOL sorry for the visual - but anyway, I would like more options on my menu of responses.
Anyone here with examples and anecdata on how to be more cool/badass and make sh*tgivers realise they're being rude / closeminded idiots? Thanks!
Great book recommendation above. Ignoring them and depriving them of your energy and oxygen is often the best response.
I am also a gentle, smiling person and every so often have occasion to say (with a pleasant smile),something along the lines of “the problem with being a kind, open person is that every so often, people think that means you are willing to take their shit, and that is not the case here.” Then, depending on the situation, I go on to state why not, or just let it hang.
Works like a charm.
posted by rpfields at 10:38 PM on June 7, 2018 [15 favorites]
I am also a gentle, smiling person and every so often have occasion to say (with a pleasant smile),something along the lines of “the problem with being a kind, open person is that every so often, people think that means you are willing to take their shit, and that is not the case here.” Then, depending on the situation, I go on to state why not, or just let it hang.
Works like a charm.
posted by rpfields at 10:38 PM on June 7, 2018 [15 favorites]
Melville's Bartleby The Scrivener:
In this very attitude did I sit when I called to him, rapidly stating what it was I wanted him to do—namely, to examine a small paper with me. Imagine my surprise, nay, my consternation, when without moving from his privacy, Bartleby in a singularly mild, firm voice, replied, "I would prefer not to."posted by Fiasco da Gama at 10:44 PM on June 7, 2018 [9 favorites]
I sat awhile in perfect silence, rallying my stunned faculties. Immediately it occurred to me that my ears had deceived me, or Bartleby had entirely misunderstood my meaning. I repeated my request in the clearest tone I could assume. But in quite as clear a one came the previous reply, "I would prefer not to."
"Prefer not to," echoed I, rising in high excitement, and crossing the room with a stride. "What do you mean? Are you moon-struck? I want you to help me compare this sheet here—take it," and I thrust it towards him.
"I would prefer not to," said he.
Check out The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck, by Sarah Knight. In it, you learn how to identify things about which you should give no fucks, then how to go about giving no fucks about them.
I have sticky notes all over my walls with motivational sayings and such. One of the ones centered above my monitor says, "What would I do if I was a badass?" It reminds me to embrace and pursue badassery in all things.
Ever watch NCIS? Agent Ned Dorneget is a weenie. He's comically wimpy, fumbling and bumbling his way from one task to the next. But suddenly, in one episode, he's different. He's calm, cool, and collected. He's confident and takes no shit from the main characters. He's developed an alternate persona, named after the team leader. He says that when he's in this persona, he knows what he's doing.
Think of iconic badasses. I like Pink, Ann Burrell, Madonna, and Oprah. Then in whatever situation, ask yourself, "What would Pink do?" "What would Oprah do?" Then do that thing. Embrace the sentence, "That won't be possible." Don't "I'm sorry" it up. Leave it plain.
If it would help, get a crew cut and dye it blue or green or pink or something. I feel much more badassish with a navy blue crew cut.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 11:09 PM on June 7, 2018 [8 favorites]
I have sticky notes all over my walls with motivational sayings and such. One of the ones centered above my monitor says, "What would I do if I was a badass?" It reminds me to embrace and pursue badassery in all things.
Ever watch NCIS? Agent Ned Dorneget is a weenie. He's comically wimpy, fumbling and bumbling his way from one task to the next. But suddenly, in one episode, he's different. He's calm, cool, and collected. He's confident and takes no shit from the main characters. He's developed an alternate persona, named after the team leader. He says that when he's in this persona, he knows what he's doing.
Think of iconic badasses. I like Pink, Ann Burrell, Madonna, and Oprah. Then in whatever situation, ask yourself, "What would Pink do?" "What would Oprah do?" Then do that thing. Embrace the sentence, "That won't be possible." Don't "I'm sorry" it up. Leave it plain.
If it would help, get a crew cut and dye it blue or green or pink or something. I feel much more badassish with a navy blue crew cut.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 11:09 PM on June 7, 2018 [8 favorites]
Boundaries boundaries boundaries. Step two of not giving a fuck is expressing it to other people.
Say what you want to say! If someone gives you shit you can say something as mild as "ouch," or as assertive as, "I don't want to hear that."
In the long run if people don't respect your boundaries you probably don't want to be around them and especially not friends with them. And you'd really be surprised by how well people respond to boundaries.
Here are a few examples from my last few months when I've started getting comfortable with boundaries.
- An acquaintance from a social group gave me some painful hugs and pinched me so hard on St. Patrick's day that I had a bruise. The next time I saw him - with the group - I said "I'm setting boundaries with you." Then I spelled out the boundaries and said "thanks for helping me be a person who can set boundaries."
Positive outcome: He doesn't hug me - or even touch me - anymore unless I tell him it's OK.
- A close friend told me some things that I'd done that had crossed some of her boundaries. I was totally OK with that and apologized - I've always wanted boundaries in a relationship. We both spent a few weeks afraid to get in touch with the other because we each thought the other was ghosting us but it turned into a positive experience for both of us. Since then I've been more open about things that bother me.
Positive outcome: Our conversations are freer and more intense since we know we can both bring up things that bother us.
- My mom has always had a sarcastic/mean-jokes streak. We were in a hotel in Chicago together a couple months ago and a flight attendant getting off the elevator was having some trouble with her bags. My mom said something like, "Wow, I hope you're not flying the plane!" and laughed. As we walked away I said to her, "that was mean." I'd never said anything that critical to her before. I was shocked and thrilled when she went up to the woman a few minutes later in the lobby and apologized.
Positive outcome: I have so many boundaries I want to set with my mom. This situation gave me hope that I can do it.
Two more notes:
1. When you don't set and express your own boundaries you worry a lot about what other people think about you based on the feelings you withhold. This is called "setting someone else's boundaries" and it isn't productive or sustainable.
2. It can be tricky in a work situation, but just phrase your boundaries diplomatically. If you're asked to take on task A that won't help you reach a career goal you can phrase it as, "I think my skills would be better-suited for task B," or "Joe Coworker would be a better choice for task A. He has lots of skills and experience for task A," or "As I've mentioned I want to focus on project C which we've agreed is important for reasons 1, 2 and 3. I'm going to be head-down on that for a while and wouldn't have the time to do a good job on task A."
I don't know if this makes sense but please give it some thought.
tl;dr: The way to stop taking shit from other people is to tell people you're not going to take their shit. As awkward as it can be to tell them, it's 100 times better than continuing to take their shit.
All my best. ❤️
posted by bendy at 12:55 AM on June 8, 2018 [36 favorites]
Say what you want to say! If someone gives you shit you can say something as mild as "ouch," or as assertive as, "I don't want to hear that."
In the long run if people don't respect your boundaries you probably don't want to be around them and especially not friends with them. And you'd really be surprised by how well people respond to boundaries.
Here are a few examples from my last few months when I've started getting comfortable with boundaries.
- An acquaintance from a social group gave me some painful hugs and pinched me so hard on St. Patrick's day that I had a bruise. The next time I saw him - with the group - I said "I'm setting boundaries with you." Then I spelled out the boundaries and said "thanks for helping me be a person who can set boundaries."
Positive outcome: He doesn't hug me - or even touch me - anymore unless I tell him it's OK.
- A close friend told me some things that I'd done that had crossed some of her boundaries. I was totally OK with that and apologized - I've always wanted boundaries in a relationship. We both spent a few weeks afraid to get in touch with the other because we each thought the other was ghosting us but it turned into a positive experience for both of us. Since then I've been more open about things that bother me.
Positive outcome: Our conversations are freer and more intense since we know we can both bring up things that bother us.
- My mom has always had a sarcastic/mean-jokes streak. We were in a hotel in Chicago together a couple months ago and a flight attendant getting off the elevator was having some trouble with her bags. My mom said something like, "Wow, I hope you're not flying the plane!" and laughed. As we walked away I said to her, "that was mean." I'd never said anything that critical to her before. I was shocked and thrilled when she went up to the woman a few minutes later in the lobby and apologized.
Positive outcome: I have so many boundaries I want to set with my mom. This situation gave me hope that I can do it.
Two more notes:
1. When you don't set and express your own boundaries you worry a lot about what other people think about you based on the feelings you withhold. This is called "setting someone else's boundaries" and it isn't productive or sustainable.
2. It can be tricky in a work situation, but just phrase your boundaries diplomatically. If you're asked to take on task A that won't help you reach a career goal you can phrase it as, "I think my skills would be better-suited for task B," or "Joe Coworker would be a better choice for task A. He has lots of skills and experience for task A," or "As I've mentioned I want to focus on project C which we've agreed is important for reasons 1, 2 and 3. I'm going to be head-down on that for a while and wouldn't have the time to do a good job on task A."
I don't know if this makes sense but please give it some thought.
tl;dr: The way to stop taking shit from other people is to tell people you're not going to take their shit. As awkward as it can be to tell them, it's 100 times better than continuing to take their shit.
All my best. ❤️
posted by bendy at 12:55 AM on June 8, 2018 [36 favorites]
Your way of handling it is ultimately the best and wisest way, simply because it is the most compassionate. And in the long run, you will feel better for it.
I grew up in a family surrounded by rapid-fire quick-witted repartee, no silly comment or action left unnoticed. After that kind of childhood, out in the real world, I found it pretty easy to call out idiocy in a smooth and cutting way, often to the amusement of my peers. It was almost fun to easily (and often hilariously) deal with rude, closed-minded, and otherwise irritating people. It made my friends laugh at the expense of the perpetrator, and often made me look smart, funny. Frankly it was great for my ego when someone tried to mess with me or a friend (verbally).
Eventually, I started feeling bad about it. Mostly because the perpetrators themselves are often the most in need of compassion, often quite insecure, and they would set themselves up to be humiliated. The good thing is it can make people stop acting like idiots (unless they're extremely daft or drunk, and then it just becomes a hilarious show).
As I've gotten older, I've realized that it's actually quite mean and I'd rather be compassionate and kind. I guess something about using other people's idiocy to fuel my ego seems very wrong, and it eventually becomes boring and predictable, so no longer even fun.
I think your way of letting the person's own idiocy sit with them is actually very good, though subtle. In the long run, it's a great way to be towards people without encouraging further bad behavior. And your conscience will feel better for it.
posted by grassbottles at 1:22 AM on June 8, 2018 [14 favorites]
I grew up in a family surrounded by rapid-fire quick-witted repartee, no silly comment or action left unnoticed. After that kind of childhood, out in the real world, I found it pretty easy to call out idiocy in a smooth and cutting way, often to the amusement of my peers. It was almost fun to easily (and often hilariously) deal with rude, closed-minded, and otherwise irritating people. It made my friends laugh at the expense of the perpetrator, and often made me look smart, funny. Frankly it was great for my ego when someone tried to mess with me or a friend (verbally).
Eventually, I started feeling bad about it. Mostly because the perpetrators themselves are often the most in need of compassion, often quite insecure, and they would set themselves up to be humiliated. The good thing is it can make people stop acting like idiots (unless they're extremely daft or drunk, and then it just becomes a hilarious show).
As I've gotten older, I've realized that it's actually quite mean and I'd rather be compassionate and kind. I guess something about using other people's idiocy to fuel my ego seems very wrong, and it eventually becomes boring and predictable, so no longer even fun.
I think your way of letting the person's own idiocy sit with them is actually very good, though subtle. In the long run, it's a great way to be towards people without encouraging further bad behavior. And your conscience will feel better for it.
posted by grassbottles at 1:22 AM on June 8, 2018 [14 favorites]
I've spent years trying to achieve what you have now. I think you've already got it. You are a step beyond badass now. If you have a need to regress to badass because you skipped it in your development, sure, go ahead, play with it. But I'd say you're done.
posted by Gnella at 2:13 AM on June 8, 2018 [12 favorites]
posted by Gnella at 2:13 AM on June 8, 2018 [12 favorites]
I was bullied too and still struggle with it in a bunch of ways. I find that the stony silence thing just leaves me with bottled up aggression - responding verbally certainly feels better:
A few times, I've had someone vent at me over what I felt was a minor transgression. The response "I've apologized- that's all you GET" has shut them down pretty well.
When being hassled by some rando, I'll wait for a spot to flatly say "This isn't a conversation" and in the four of five times I've used it, they've turned attention elsewhere.
..but after a lot of therapy, when I feel like someone has given me shit, I now collect my thoughts and approach the person afterwards and let them know that I didn't appreciate it and don't want it repeated. It doesn't make me feel cool/badass but it generally helps the situation and let’s me move on from it somewhat.
posted by bonobothegreat at 4:09 AM on June 8, 2018 [10 favorites]
A few times, I've had someone vent at me over what I felt was a minor transgression. The response "I've apologized- that's all you GET" has shut them down pretty well.
When being hassled by some rando, I'll wait for a spot to flatly say "This isn't a conversation" and in the four of five times I've used it, they've turned attention elsewhere.
..but after a lot of therapy, when I feel like someone has given me shit, I now collect my thoughts and approach the person afterwards and let them know that I didn't appreciate it and don't want it repeated. It doesn't make me feel cool/badass but it generally helps the situation and let’s me move on from it somewhat.
posted by bonobothegreat at 4:09 AM on June 8, 2018 [10 favorites]
"Are you giving me shit? No thanks, you can keep it."
posted by MonkeyToes at 7:32 AM on June 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by MonkeyToes at 7:32 AM on June 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
I wonder if saying something, however mild, would let you and them distinguish your silence for what it is, and avoid the misperception that you're cowed or dumfounded. E.g., after a little silence, you you could say something like "that's one way to look at it I guess." Tone would matter a lot (angry, confidently amused, warm and welcoming them back from the silence you momentarily banished them to...).
posted by salvia at 8:05 AM on June 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by salvia at 8:05 AM on June 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
I recommend The Chimp Paradox by Dr. Steve Peters. The audiobook is very accessible and easy to work through to learn strategies for dealing with people who affront your space or try to take advantage of your time.
posted by parmanparman at 8:20 AM on June 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by parmanparman at 8:20 AM on June 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
You need to calmly and firmly state what you want, and if it doesn't work the first time, repeat. I allow three strikes before I just stop talking to the offender, unless it is family in which case you may have to keep on trying, only louder and in smaller words.
For example, my stepfather is an enthusiastic conspiracy theorist, and I got sick of debating this with him pretty fast and honestly put up with it far too long, but eventually said to him 'This subject distresses me, I don't want to discuss it any more'. And ever since then he has kept his theories mostly out of my earshot.
My brother's friend who wouldn't stop touching me got told to stop, didn't stop and now is no longer part of my social circle. I didn't punch him in the ribs *that* hard on the way out.
posted by HypotheticalWoman at 1:04 PM on June 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
For example, my stepfather is an enthusiastic conspiracy theorist, and I got sick of debating this with him pretty fast and honestly put up with it far too long, but eventually said to him 'This subject distresses me, I don't want to discuss it any more'. And ever since then he has kept his theories mostly out of my earshot.
My brother's friend who wouldn't stop touching me got told to stop, didn't stop and now is no longer part of my social circle. I didn't punch him in the ribs *that* hard on the way out.
posted by HypotheticalWoman at 1:04 PM on June 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
I have resting nice face, and was bullied in my childhood (possibly relevant) so sometimes people try to give me sh*t
Yes! My life! People have a hard time believing it because I'm decently poised online and pretty outgoing/friendly in person but when someone starts teasing me, inwardly I FREAK OUT. So I've gotten pretty good at contextual deflection. Here are things that work for me.
- Just stare. I am spacey anyhow so basically I'll just look at someone slightly confusedly as in "What?" and it's a rare person that will just restate some wiseass comment
- My boyfriend occasionally misreads the room and will make a comment that is hurtful to me or other people just because he's being a goof. I tend to lighten the mood with "Awww I thought we were having a nice time" which is code for "ummm dude?" and he can sort of snap out of it and be like "aww shucks my bad" It's a good and somewhat amusing line that is also good for when someone brings up something terribly political.
- With friends who just may not know I Am Not In The Mood at the moment, I'll be like "Hey I get what you are going for but I am feeling a little crispy today so maybe not right now?" and they'll usually chill.
- Sometimes I laugh a little too loud and say "Oh my gosh WHAT did you say??" and keep laughing.
- "Oh bless your heart" is good with some people.
Lately I'll just say "Nah, not going there" which only sort of makes sense but will usually snap people out of it. If nothing else works, I just walk away, no one deserves my time and attention, especially strangers.
posted by jessamyn at 2:12 PM on June 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
Yes! My life! People have a hard time believing it because I'm decently poised online and pretty outgoing/friendly in person but when someone starts teasing me, inwardly I FREAK OUT. So I've gotten pretty good at contextual deflection. Here are things that work for me.
- Just stare. I am spacey anyhow so basically I'll just look at someone slightly confusedly as in "What?" and it's a rare person that will just restate some wiseass comment
- My boyfriend occasionally misreads the room and will make a comment that is hurtful to me or other people just because he's being a goof. I tend to lighten the mood with "Awww I thought we were having a nice time" which is code for "ummm dude?" and he can sort of snap out of it and be like "aww shucks my bad" It's a good and somewhat amusing line that is also good for when someone brings up something terribly political.
- With friends who just may not know I Am Not In The Mood at the moment, I'll be like "Hey I get what you are going for but I am feeling a little crispy today so maybe not right now?" and they'll usually chill.
- Sometimes I laugh a little too loud and say "Oh my gosh WHAT did you say??" and keep laughing.
- "Oh bless your heart" is good with some people.
Lately I'll just say "Nah, not going there" which only sort of makes sense but will usually snap people out of it. If nothing else works, I just walk away, no one deserves my time and attention, especially strangers.
posted by jessamyn at 2:12 PM on June 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
"I don't give guff. I don't take guff. I'm not in the guff business."
For scripts, I like Captain Awkward.
“Hey, you’ve brought this up a couple of times now, and my answer hasn’t changed. What would it take to get you to take my word for it that...”
“You already know what I’m going to say.”
“I’ve already answered this question a couple of times – why are you asking again?”
“This is a very awkward question. What would you like me to say?”
“That’s all I’m really comfortable saying. Can we change the subject?”
Saying some version of “I don’t feel like getting into this with you” is an answer.
posted by ohshenandoah at 11:34 PM on June 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
For scripts, I like Captain Awkward.
“Hey, you’ve brought this up a couple of times now, and my answer hasn’t changed. What would it take to get you to take my word for it that...”
“You already know what I’m going to say.”
“I’ve already answered this question a couple of times – why are you asking again?”
“This is a very awkward question. What would you like me to say?”
“That’s all I’m really comfortable saying. Can we change the subject?”
Saying some version of “I don’t feel like getting into this with you” is an answer.
posted by ohshenandoah at 11:34 PM on June 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
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posted by bq at 9:46 PM on June 7, 2018 [16 favorites]