How to stop a friend from spiralling out of control?
June 7, 2018 8:21 PM Subscribe
I have a friend of excellent quality. She moved somewhere else. All of a sudden, she is surrounded by people with problems and her life is turning inside out. What do I do?
Help, my friend's life is spiraling and I don't know what to do
Ok, so here's the deal. One of my best friends from college with a professional, lucrative career has moved from a major metro area (where I and a bunch of our other friends live), to a small town where she knows no one. She moved for work. It was cool at first, because the lower cost of living meant she could buy a huge house, and chill with her dog. She's 34.
Fast forward 2 years later, her dog died and she's lonely and hasn't really been able to make many friends (most people her age in this town are married with kids and don't have a ton of free time), so she started going to a bar where she made friends with a bunch of gross dudes. She's partying all night on weeknights, tried coke and even said she did coke once before work so she'd be awake enough (she'd never done anything harder than weed before she moved), and I'm worried about her.
A few highlights of her new social circle:
1) Everyone in her new social circle is unemployed to the last man and woman, except for her 26 year old fuckbuddy (more on him below) who is also unemployed but makes money by being a small-time drug dealer (weed and coke that I know of) who spends all his time high on his own supply,
2) Her fuckbuddy crashes at her huge house for multiple days in a row with his bro (who is currently living on her fuckbuddy's couch since he got out of jail for beating up his sister's boyfriend), doing drugs and drinking and using her pool while she goes to work
3) She was going to go on a road trip with said dirtbags, and they bail last minute via text. She confronts her fuckbuddy at 3AM when he won't respond to her texts, by driving from the bar to his house, and he explains he couldn't respond because he's so fucked up on coke and who knows what else that he hasn't slept in 48 hours and couldn't read his phone.
4) Her fuckbuddy then explains that he can't have a relationship with her because he needs to focus on moving to las vegas and a potential professional gambling career
5) Everyone is a high school dropout or close to it
6) She's driving home from this skeezy bar late at night, and admits that she's probably too drunk to be driving when she does so
What do I do? I have no doubt that she's going to keep hanging out with these people even though she's ostensibly not going to hook up with her fuckbuddy anymore, because she's going to keep going to this bar and she doesn't know anyone else in town. I don't want to lecture her and push her away so that she doesn't even talk to me about this stuff, but I'm sincerely worried about her and feel helpless because I'm 1000 miles away. Suggestions welcome!
Help, my friend's life is spiraling and I don't know what to do
Ok, so here's the deal. One of my best friends from college with a professional, lucrative career has moved from a major metro area (where I and a bunch of our other friends live), to a small town where she knows no one. She moved for work. It was cool at first, because the lower cost of living meant she could buy a huge house, and chill with her dog. She's 34.
Fast forward 2 years later, her dog died and she's lonely and hasn't really been able to make many friends (most people her age in this town are married with kids and don't have a ton of free time), so she started going to a bar where she made friends with a bunch of gross dudes. She's partying all night on weeknights, tried coke and even said she did coke once before work so she'd be awake enough (she'd never done anything harder than weed before she moved), and I'm worried about her.
A few highlights of her new social circle:
1) Everyone in her new social circle is unemployed to the last man and woman, except for her 26 year old fuckbuddy (more on him below) who is also unemployed but makes money by being a small-time drug dealer (weed and coke that I know of) who spends all his time high on his own supply,
2) Her fuckbuddy crashes at her huge house for multiple days in a row with his bro (who is currently living on her fuckbuddy's couch since he got out of jail for beating up his sister's boyfriend), doing drugs and drinking and using her pool while she goes to work
3) She was going to go on a road trip with said dirtbags, and they bail last minute via text. She confronts her fuckbuddy at 3AM when he won't respond to her texts, by driving from the bar to his house, and he explains he couldn't respond because he's so fucked up on coke and who knows what else that he hasn't slept in 48 hours and couldn't read his phone.
4) Her fuckbuddy then explains that he can't have a relationship with her because he needs to focus on moving to las vegas and a potential professional gambling career
5) Everyone is a high school dropout or close to it
6) She's driving home from this skeezy bar late at night, and admits that she's probably too drunk to be driving when she does so
What do I do? I have no doubt that she's going to keep hanging out with these people even though she's ostensibly not going to hook up with her fuckbuddy anymore, because she's going to keep going to this bar and she doesn't know anyone else in town. I don't want to lecture her and push her away so that she doesn't even talk to me about this stuff, but I'm sincerely worried about her and feel helpless because I'm 1000 miles away. Suggestions welcome!
Have you said to her, explicitly, "I"m worried about you. I'm worried about your drinking and drug use."
Can you go visit her?
Ultimately there's absolutely nothing you can do to make her stop drinking, or stop using, or stop hanging out with these people. She can do any or all of those things if she wants to, but it's not going to be because you said the right thing or reacted correctly or went there or didn't... There are no variables that will make this solvable except her own decisions to change her behaviors. (If she wants to.)
But you're certainly able to say things like you're worried about her, or you care about her, or maybe even just the simple "I'll be here if you need to talk."
posted by BlahLaLa at 8:52 PM on June 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
Can you go visit her?
Ultimately there's absolutely nothing you can do to make her stop drinking, or stop using, or stop hanging out with these people. She can do any or all of those things if she wants to, but it's not going to be because you said the right thing or reacted correctly or went there or didn't... There are no variables that will make this solvable except her own decisions to change her behaviors. (If she wants to.)
But you're certainly able to say things like you're worried about her, or you care about her, or maybe even just the simple "I'll be here if you need to talk."
posted by BlahLaLa at 8:52 PM on June 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
Seconding going to visit her. Do some research on things to do in the region, maybe even do a weekend road trip with her to catch up. Try to find things to do that might expose her to a wider variety of people and more activities aside from hanging at the bar? Things like a summer festival, hiking/camping/other outdoor activities, maybe a cooking class?
It sounds like she is a bit lost and doesn't know how to find grounding there. Maybe you can help.
posted by joan_holloway at 9:03 PM on June 7, 2018
It sounds like she is a bit lost and doesn't know how to find grounding there. Maybe you can help.
posted by joan_holloway at 9:03 PM on June 7, 2018
Honestly? She sounds depressed. Has she tried therapy? Would she be willing to?
posted by roger ackroyd at 9:32 PM on June 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by roger ackroyd at 9:32 PM on June 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
My serious suggestion is that I think you should be prepared for the possibility that her drinking and drug use is more serious and frequent than she has told you, that you will not be able to help her in a meaningful way, and that the best thing you can do is be openly supportive of healthy choices she could make, like moving closer to other friends or family, going to support group meetings, contacting professional associations for support (like there are anonymous helplines for doctors with drug problems, etc), visiting you or other friends for sober fun, etc. Practice supportive listening and tell her you will help in whatever practical way is possible.
My less serious but still, you know, kind of serious, suggestion is that you encourage her to get another dog. Dogs need to be walked early and fed nightly. They encourage healthy sleep patterns and discourage over long stays at the bar.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 9:49 PM on June 7, 2018 [30 favorites]
My less serious but still, you know, kind of serious, suggestion is that you encourage her to get another dog. Dogs need to be walked early and fed nightly. They encourage healthy sleep patterns and discourage over long stays at the bar.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 9:49 PM on June 7, 2018 [30 favorites]
it sounds to me like this is a function of the place she's living. if that's the social scene available there then... she may sort of be gradually adapting to the place, you know?
I think it's ok to say "wow that doesn't sound like you" but tread very carefully. Do visit her. Encourage her to visit you, too.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:10 PM on June 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
I think it's ok to say "wow that doesn't sound like you" but tread very carefully. Do visit her. Encourage her to visit you, too.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:10 PM on June 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
Speak to her family first
They know her better than anyone and can put what's happening now in context. They can advise, and may also be best able to care for her because they love her and (hopefully) feel obligated to.
You bring a lot to the table too. You know her in ways they don't at all. You need to work together to come up with a complete picture of what's happening with her.
You'll also need each other if and when an there's an intervention
posted by BadgerDoctor at 12:05 AM on June 8, 2018
They know her better than anyone and can put what's happening now in context. They can advise, and may also be best able to care for her because they love her and (hopefully) feel obligated to.
You bring a lot to the table too. You know her in ways they don't at all. You need to work together to come up with a complete picture of what's happening with her.
You'll also need each other if and when an there's an intervention
posted by BadgerDoctor at 12:05 AM on June 8, 2018
Has she asked you for help with the situation or expressed unhappiness with it? It's possible that this is just what she wants to do. I'm sure at some level she realizes what she's doing is "wrong" by the standards of her old self, but at the same time, it's a more exciting life than sitting at home with her dog.
The best option may just be to accept what she's doing, but keep your door open in case she needs a place to escape to.
posted by panic at 2:26 AM on June 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
The best option may just be to accept what she's doing, but keep your door open in case she needs a place to escape to.
posted by panic at 2:26 AM on June 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
Ha, from the outside there was a time when my life might've been able to be described this way (in a more minor and temporary way and minus some of the most egregious stuff).
A few thoughts in your friend's defense:
- In a way, this is adaptive. Loneliness is super painful.
- There might be some part of her that this is connecting to. They bring out her long-suppressed artistic side, for instance.
- She's dealing with something kinda hard, going from big city to smaller town. Visiting and going back is probably a bit of a head trip. While there are some people who have very independent and strong self-conceptions, for people who are more social animals or very impacted by their environment, this would leave them feeling almost like two separate people in these different contexts.
But not in her defense, I'd also worry because in places like this, you DO get a reputation, at least a bit more than in big cities. So it may be that over time, it's not just hard to meet people her age but that this actively inhibits it. I don't know how much cross-social-group fluidity there is. It can be higher than you'd expect based on stereotypes, even higher than in big cities where you can often find someone exactly like you. But also in some ways, your reputation is more important.
I'd approach this carefully. Your easiest bet will be to reinforce any annoyance she feels about them. That's about the closest you can come to saying "you're better than this." That anger can propel her to start finding other social outlets. I think now is actually a perfect moment to intervene because her "friends" have shown themselves to be jerks and her boyfriend (does she call him her fuckbuddy? If not, at least try to be respectful?) has broken up with her.
Also, she really needs some other social outlets. And she might need to pay some dues to overcome the perception of her at this point. What would be great to find is a mentor or two, a long-standing member of the community who at least partially understands the social options and can introduce her to people. I think the best way to find those connected people would be to volunteer. I don't know if you can tell her that, though. There's more cross-age-group mingling in smaller towns, too, so maybe she should lose the idea of finding her peer group as defined by age and instead find "the woodworkers" or "the search and rescue crew" or whatever, people of any age who are bonded by an interest. I'll keep thinking about this...
But do be somewhat careful. I get that her most recent behavior is out of hand. But she's been doing something hard, going back and forth between two worlds, and the last thing she needs is someone from one world sneering at her challenges in the other world. "I'm getting worried about you" works for the serious conversation, and "golly things sure are different there" (deferring to the fact that every small town is its own unique cultural universe and that she's become an expert on hers) might be best in other cases. Also, because you're her friend from one of the two worlds she lives in, the more you connect with her, the more it strengthens her competent careerist side; contact with you will probably be helpful in general. So try not to alienate her by judging her too much.
Inviting her to visit is a good idea and could help her reset her expectations ("oh look, people meet when they say they'll meet! Oh wow, other people have jobs too!"). But it might fall under the general heading of "Here things are like This, and there, things are like That" phenomenon. Could she move back? Even temporarily? In the small town I stayed at, the young adults would often get claustrophobic (especially after a breakup!) and go live and work in the big city three hours away for six months or a year or so.
But since she's in transition there now that her BF is getting ready to leave, maybe she doesn't need to visit as a way of creating a break. She probably does need a reprieve from the loneliness and some social support as she tries to find new footing. It would be great if she could come stay with you for a bit and then if you could visit one weekend and another friend could visit another, for awhile. Or could you work remotely from there for a month to help her stabilize, get to know the place yourself, help her start trying new things, etc.? You visiting might feel weird to her, due to the Here | There divide, but it'll also feel weird to her friends, like "oh maybe she's not really like us." Be cool to them and try to build a bridge, but nonetheless, your visit might help split her off from them, and in exchange, help her find cool things about the town and build bonds to them so that she can do more of that when you're not there.
posted by salvia at 4:23 AM on June 8, 2018 [4 favorites]
A few thoughts in your friend's defense:
- In a way, this is adaptive. Loneliness is super painful.
- There might be some part of her that this is connecting to. They bring out her long-suppressed artistic side, for instance.
- She's dealing with something kinda hard, going from big city to smaller town. Visiting and going back is probably a bit of a head trip. While there are some people who have very independent and strong self-conceptions, for people who are more social animals or very impacted by their environment, this would leave them feeling almost like two separate people in these different contexts.
But not in her defense, I'd also worry because in places like this, you DO get a reputation, at least a bit more than in big cities. So it may be that over time, it's not just hard to meet people her age but that this actively inhibits it. I don't know how much cross-social-group fluidity there is. It can be higher than you'd expect based on stereotypes, even higher than in big cities where you can often find someone exactly like you. But also in some ways, your reputation is more important.
I'd approach this carefully. Your easiest bet will be to reinforce any annoyance she feels about them. That's about the closest you can come to saying "you're better than this." That anger can propel her to start finding other social outlets. I think now is actually a perfect moment to intervene because her "friends" have shown themselves to be jerks and her boyfriend (does she call him her fuckbuddy? If not, at least try to be respectful?) has broken up with her.
Also, she really needs some other social outlets. And she might need to pay some dues to overcome the perception of her at this point. What would be great to find is a mentor or two, a long-standing member of the community who at least partially understands the social options and can introduce her to people. I think the best way to find those connected people would be to volunteer. I don't know if you can tell her that, though. There's more cross-age-group mingling in smaller towns, too, so maybe she should lose the idea of finding her peer group as defined by age and instead find "the woodworkers" or "the search and rescue crew" or whatever, people of any age who are bonded by an interest. I'll keep thinking about this...
But do be somewhat careful. I get that her most recent behavior is out of hand. But she's been doing something hard, going back and forth between two worlds, and the last thing she needs is someone from one world sneering at her challenges in the other world. "I'm getting worried about you" works for the serious conversation, and "golly things sure are different there" (deferring to the fact that every small town is its own unique cultural universe and that she's become an expert on hers) might be best in other cases. Also, because you're her friend from one of the two worlds she lives in, the more you connect with her, the more it strengthens her competent careerist side; contact with you will probably be helpful in general. So try not to alienate her by judging her too much.
Inviting her to visit is a good idea and could help her reset her expectations ("oh look, people meet when they say they'll meet! Oh wow, other people have jobs too!"). But it might fall under the general heading of "Here things are like This, and there, things are like That" phenomenon. Could she move back? Even temporarily? In the small town I stayed at, the young adults would often get claustrophobic (especially after a breakup!) and go live and work in the big city three hours away for six months or a year or so.
But since she's in transition there now that her BF is getting ready to leave, maybe she doesn't need to visit as a way of creating a break. She probably does need a reprieve from the loneliness and some social support as she tries to find new footing. It would be great if she could come stay with you for a bit and then if you could visit one weekend and another friend could visit another, for awhile. Or could you work remotely from there for a month to help her stabilize, get to know the place yourself, help her start trying new things, etc.? You visiting might feel weird to her, due to the Here | There divide, but it'll also feel weird to her friends, like "oh maybe she's not really like us." Be cool to them and try to build a bridge, but nonetheless, your visit might help split her off from them, and in exchange, help her find cool things about the town and build bonds to them so that she can do more of that when you're not there.
posted by salvia at 4:23 AM on June 8, 2018 [4 favorites]
Visit her, or (better) encourage her to come visit you. She probably knows that her life is pretty crazy right now and could use a break and some perspective. Encourage her to talk to you about what's going on in her life, and listen. As tempting as it will be to judge her choices, any hint of that will probably cause her to shut down, so just listen.
Help her tell you what she wants—does she want to get her life back under control, does she want to escape this new social circle she's found herself enmeshed in? If she does, then there are probably concrete ways you could help her, up to and including inviting her to move away from there and come stay with you while she starts over, but quite possibly the most important thing you can do is consistently and nonjudgmentally offer her emotional support, encouragement, and a healthier perspective than what she's getting from the people around her. If she genuinely wants to change things, then what she'll need most is a rock, an emotional anchor who can keep her grounded in reality and focused on her goals.
If she doesn't want help, then it's sad but there's nothing you can do to force it to happen—you can try to persuade her but you'll probably fail. Also, if you do go visit her, be prepared for her actual life to be a lot more out of control than the version of it that she's told you about from a distance.
I'm sorry, this is a hard situation. Helping your friend here is going to require some work on your part, a whole lot of empathy for someone who you quite justifiably think is making poor choices, a willingness to give even more work to help her turn things around, and an acceptance of the fact that there may be nothing you can do. Good luck.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:21 AM on June 8, 2018
Help her tell you what she wants—does she want to get her life back under control, does she want to escape this new social circle she's found herself enmeshed in? If she does, then there are probably concrete ways you could help her, up to and including inviting her to move away from there and come stay with you while she starts over, but quite possibly the most important thing you can do is consistently and nonjudgmentally offer her emotional support, encouragement, and a healthier perspective than what she's getting from the people around her. If she genuinely wants to change things, then what she'll need most is a rock, an emotional anchor who can keep her grounded in reality and focused on her goals.
If she doesn't want help, then it's sad but there's nothing you can do to force it to happen—you can try to persuade her but you'll probably fail. Also, if you do go visit her, be prepared for her actual life to be a lot more out of control than the version of it that she's told you about from a distance.
I'm sorry, this is a hard situation. Helping your friend here is going to require some work on your part, a whole lot of empathy for someone who you quite justifiably think is making poor choices, a willingness to give even more work to help her turn things around, and an acceptance of the fact that there may be nothing you can do. Good luck.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:21 AM on June 8, 2018
Best answer: I have no doubt that she's going to keep hanging out with these people even though she's ostensibly not going to hook up with her fuckbuddy anymore, because she's going to keep going to this bar and she doesn't know anyone else in town
You are very probably correct. This group, as you're describing it, sounds like the closest thing she has to being embedded in a community, however dangerous and dysfunctional the dynamic she has with them may be. That is a very hard thing for human beings to walk away from, even with but especially without another to walk towards. This is even before the feedback loops induced by substance use.
Good news: she trusts you enough to tell you at least some piece of what's going on, presumably with some roughly accurate expectation of your response. You haven't said how she's presenting this (is it bragging? confessional? matter of fact?) but the fact that she is telling you anything means she wants someone outside of this circle to know what her life is like. While she may or may not wish to change this right now, and while I agree that there is a high likelihood she is not revealing the full extent, she hasn't decided yet that she should only give any view of the mess to people who are in it with her (because those people can't judge her). Keep talking. If nothing else, keep talking.
Bad news: it's really really hard to help her find a different community to be part of from afar. When I was engaged in my version of this I had people in the same city trying to invite me to health - and I still pretty much had to crash land into an ER before I really committed to taking those options off the table, and it was still a road after that. One angle that I don't see touched on a lot in these conversations is availability: the thing about folks who spend most of their time high is that most of them are going to be more frequently available to give her whatever version of company she's getting than healthier people who tend to have time-structured commitments. When I was desperately lonely and felt isolated from everything important to me, the fact that there was almost literally always someone I could go make bad choices with was a major barrier to the delayed gratification inherent in most good ones. I'm not sure if I would have accepted the offer of someone coming to stay with me a while in that period, but if I had just the sheer fact of baseline normal physical proximity to another human being who cared about me would have been a big thumb on the internal scales.
This will be said by many people but: you can't unilaterally save her from herself. She has to have something she knows how to do that feels better to her than getting high with people that she doesn't feel like a failure compared to, or however she internally orients herself relative to this group, and that has to come from her.
I wish for you I could offer more comfort, but probably both the kindest and most efficacious things you can do are be consistent/predictable in your patterns of interaction, be kind, be gentle, and model respect for her that she has very likely lost the ability to generate internally. I hope for her that she is able to build a more stable set of relationships - the most important and probably only thing you can do in this regard is give her an example of one in yourself and try to get across the idea that you are not exceptional in those qualities that cause her to trust you at whatever level she does.
My heart hurts for both of you.
posted by PMdixon at 5:43 AM on June 8, 2018 [7 favorites]
You are very probably correct. This group, as you're describing it, sounds like the closest thing she has to being embedded in a community, however dangerous and dysfunctional the dynamic she has with them may be. That is a very hard thing for human beings to walk away from, even with but especially without another to walk towards. This is even before the feedback loops induced by substance use.
Good news: she trusts you enough to tell you at least some piece of what's going on, presumably with some roughly accurate expectation of your response. You haven't said how she's presenting this (is it bragging? confessional? matter of fact?) but the fact that she is telling you anything means she wants someone outside of this circle to know what her life is like. While she may or may not wish to change this right now, and while I agree that there is a high likelihood she is not revealing the full extent, she hasn't decided yet that she should only give any view of the mess to people who are in it with her (because those people can't judge her). Keep talking. If nothing else, keep talking.
Bad news: it's really really hard to help her find a different community to be part of from afar. When I was engaged in my version of this I had people in the same city trying to invite me to health - and I still pretty much had to crash land into an ER before I really committed to taking those options off the table, and it was still a road after that. One angle that I don't see touched on a lot in these conversations is availability: the thing about folks who spend most of their time high is that most of them are going to be more frequently available to give her whatever version of company she's getting than healthier people who tend to have time-structured commitments. When I was desperately lonely and felt isolated from everything important to me, the fact that there was almost literally always someone I could go make bad choices with was a major barrier to the delayed gratification inherent in most good ones. I'm not sure if I would have accepted the offer of someone coming to stay with me a while in that period, but if I had just the sheer fact of baseline normal physical proximity to another human being who cared about me would have been a big thumb on the internal scales.
This will be said by many people but: you can't unilaterally save her from herself. She has to have something she knows how to do that feels better to her than getting high with people that she doesn't feel like a failure compared to, or however she internally orients herself relative to this group, and that has to come from her.
I wish for you I could offer more comfort, but probably both the kindest and most efficacious things you can do are be consistent/predictable in your patterns of interaction, be kind, be gentle, and model respect for her that she has very likely lost the ability to generate internally. I hope for her that she is able to build a more stable set of relationships - the most important and probably only thing you can do in this regard is give her an example of one in yourself and try to get across the idea that you are not exceptional in those qualities that cause her to trust you at whatever level she does.
My heart hurts for both of you.
posted by PMdixon at 5:43 AM on June 8, 2018 [7 favorites]
Go visit. Help her find a hangout that is less destructive. She can take classes at adult education, join meetups, get involved in work-related organizations. She's driving drunk and texting and likely to get caught, which is hugely disruptive. The friends are a problem, but at this point she may have an addiction issue. Her employer almost certainly has an Employee Assistance Program, and maybe you can persuade her to make use of it. Watching someone you love hurt themselves is horrible; I'm so sorry.
posted by theora55 at 7:11 AM on June 8, 2018
posted by theora55 at 7:11 AM on June 8, 2018
I think you need specific advice about cocaine addiction and navigating the social environments where coke is prevalent. I have been around a lot of people who do coke and it TOTALLY changes their personality. Your friend sounds like she has been binging a lot. I have not really seen any advice in this thread that nails her situation.
Her best choice if she doesn't require in-patient treatment for alcohol and cocaine addiction is to quit her job, sell her house, move and start outpatient treatment somewhere, including therapy and proximity to healthier social environments.
She's let addicts move into her house for days or weeks at a time to party with her. This doesn't end well.
It doesn't sound like she has family to help her keep it together. I'm not sure why you wouldn't have an open and honest conversation with her. Is she self-medicating any underlying issues beyond depression, like ADHD? Her needs would be better served by health professionals rather than self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. I don't see why you can't bring up this possibility with her, she's a 34 year homeowning adult. Be direct, vulnerable and honest. Share your concern and offer her help with connecting to whatever she needs.
These addicts are using her and dragging her down. It's within their interest to get her addicted, too, because it will give them access to her resources and assets, until those are used up. Share your concern and offer her a way out.
posted by jbenben at 7:33 AM on June 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
Her best choice if she doesn't require in-patient treatment for alcohol and cocaine addiction is to quit her job, sell her house, move and start outpatient treatment somewhere, including therapy and proximity to healthier social environments.
She's let addicts move into her house for days or weeks at a time to party with her. This doesn't end well.
It doesn't sound like she has family to help her keep it together. I'm not sure why you wouldn't have an open and honest conversation with her. Is she self-medicating any underlying issues beyond depression, like ADHD? Her needs would be better served by health professionals rather than self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. I don't see why you can't bring up this possibility with her, she's a 34 year homeowning adult. Be direct, vulnerable and honest. Share your concern and offer her help with connecting to whatever she needs.
These addicts are using her and dragging her down. It's within their interest to get her addicted, too, because it will give them access to her resources and assets, until those are used up. Share your concern and offer her a way out.
posted by jbenben at 7:33 AM on June 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
I was also thinking an Employee Assistance Program, but honestly, she needs to get out of that environment. Some places are toxic.
posted by jbenben at 7:38 AM on June 8, 2018
posted by jbenben at 7:38 AM on June 8, 2018
You are essentially helpless in this situation, since your friend is her own person and can manage her own life. If you are having a hard time being at peace with that you might get some benefit from a therapist or support group.
If your friend wants to vent or asks for help you can certainly listen and suggest things, if you feel up to it. You can visit her if you both want that. However, you are not her police officer or therapist or drug counselor. Putting your energy into worrying about her plight and trying to fix her on your own initiative will lead to exhaustion and resentment on both sides.
posted by adiabatic at 8:26 AM on June 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
If your friend wants to vent or asks for help you can certainly listen and suggest things, if you feel up to it. You can visit her if you both want that. However, you are not her police officer or therapist or drug counselor. Putting your energy into worrying about her plight and trying to fix her on your own initiative will lead to exhaustion and resentment on both sides.
posted by adiabatic at 8:26 AM on June 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Hi everyone,
Thanks for the thoughtful advice and perspectives. A bit of additional information to respond to some of the points that were raised:
- I visited her about six weeks ago and stayed with her for a little less than a week. She tried to get me to go to the bar with her but I played it off (it was a working trip for me during the day and I'm a creature of habit who doesn't like to go out during the workweek) and we never ended up going. It wasn't really clear to me then how enmeshed the bar and these people are in her life. I wish now that I actually had gone because I think it would give me a more informed perspective on some of this, but hindsight is what it is. She met her drug-dealer fuckbuddy after I visited and that's when this all ramped up. (He's not her boyfriend - she maintains she has no feelings for him though I think her behavior worryingly demonstrates otherwise.)
- She's actually visiting briefly this weekend, and staying over at my place tomorrow night. She visits my area somewhat frequently (4-5 times a year) since her family has also relocated here and many of her friends are here.
- She's done a bunch of club/meet up-type stuff to try to meet people and had no luck so far.
- After thinking about it and taking into consideration what many of you have said, here's my current plan: (1) my husband is also really good friends with her and he's going to play bad cop a bit when she inevitably tells him this stuff while we're hanging out tomorrow - that way she hears from another trusted life-long friend that this situation is fucked up but I'm still available as a less judgmental-feeling outlet; (2) I'm going to try to have a heart to heart with her about what's keeping her in this town - she's obviously unhappy, and no job is worth being this unhappy (and you can always sell a house); (3) I'm going to encourage her to get another dog (I do think having the dog added more structure to her life and I know it's not the same as human companionship but I think it helps); and (4) I'm going to continue to be there (and try to do so on a more regular basis) and listen to her and continue to tell her when I think her new friends are treating her badly/when I think she's doing dangerous things. Involving her family was mentioned - that's kind of the nuclear option here as they're extremely conservative and would freak if they found out about 1% of this. It's certainly something I'll do if things don't change/get worse.
Thanks again everyone.
posted by wuzandfuzz at 12:01 PM on June 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
Thanks for the thoughtful advice and perspectives. A bit of additional information to respond to some of the points that were raised:
- I visited her about six weeks ago and stayed with her for a little less than a week. She tried to get me to go to the bar with her but I played it off (it was a working trip for me during the day and I'm a creature of habit who doesn't like to go out during the workweek) and we never ended up going. It wasn't really clear to me then how enmeshed the bar and these people are in her life. I wish now that I actually had gone because I think it would give me a more informed perspective on some of this, but hindsight is what it is. She met her drug-dealer fuckbuddy after I visited and that's when this all ramped up. (He's not her boyfriend - she maintains she has no feelings for him though I think her behavior worryingly demonstrates otherwise.)
- She's actually visiting briefly this weekend, and staying over at my place tomorrow night. She visits my area somewhat frequently (4-5 times a year) since her family has also relocated here and many of her friends are here.
- She's done a bunch of club/meet up-type stuff to try to meet people and had no luck so far.
- After thinking about it and taking into consideration what many of you have said, here's my current plan: (1) my husband is also really good friends with her and he's going to play bad cop a bit when she inevitably tells him this stuff while we're hanging out tomorrow - that way she hears from another trusted life-long friend that this situation is fucked up but I'm still available as a less judgmental-feeling outlet; (2) I'm going to try to have a heart to heart with her about what's keeping her in this town - she's obviously unhappy, and no job is worth being this unhappy (and you can always sell a house); (3) I'm going to encourage her to get another dog (I do think having the dog added more structure to her life and I know it's not the same as human companionship but I think it helps); and (4) I'm going to continue to be there (and try to do so on a more regular basis) and listen to her and continue to tell her when I think her new friends are treating her badly/when I think she's doing dangerous things. Involving her family was mentioned - that's kind of the nuclear option here as they're extremely conservative and would freak if they found out about 1% of this. It's certainly something I'll do if things don't change/get worse.
Thanks again everyone.
posted by wuzandfuzz at 12:01 PM on June 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
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I would try a few things--
1. Invite her for a visit! Make it about someone's birthday, or a concert or something so it doesn't seem like you're just trying to see her because you're capital "W" Worried. She sounds like she has the money, and being around people who have their shit together might remind her about the nice things about not doing coke first thing in the morning...
2. Do some sneaky research for her about any and all clubs or organizations in her area. Often small towns will have some local food bank, newspaper, arboretum, preschool etc. that needs volunteers. She might end up meeting people who actually go out and do stuff in the world vs. just party. They might be on the older/quirky side but it's worth a try. Sometimes younger people (20s and 30s) get stuck in a rut of only hanging out with people our own age, but there are some interesting friends to be had with people who have seen more of life for sure.
Also just for your sanity...remember that people don't always share the normal boring "I went for a coffee with a friend" stuff. It definitely sounds like this is a sketchy group of people but keep in mind that you're probably getting the highlight reel not the whole story.
posted by leafmealone at 8:51 PM on June 7, 2018 [7 favorites]