Tips for approaching crush

February 13, 2018 3:09 PM

I've had a crush on someone I'm mutually friended across several social media platforms and it's been a long time since I've been in a position like this. I need advice.

I start to get brave and then back down and tomorrow is Valentine's day and it just seems right. I think. Is it too cliché?

She's just so pretty. Her hair is purple and navy right now, and her lipstick is always on point, and I have eyeglass envy. She's got a dog and cats and she's so awesome with them, posts cats of Instagram shots all the time I have a cat! And she has nieces she's so sweet with. Her personal politics align with mine. She's just wonderful.

And she lives in NYC and I live in Jersey with a train station within walking distance, so it's not insurmountable distance.

And I'm getting past my I'm a mess with a kid and blah blah shtick. My best friend was like, "If you met someone with the same life, you would show them so much more kindness than you show yourself right now." And she's right. I totally have to believe I'm worth being loved to be loved. So yes. I deserve to be loved and happy, so I'm going to pursue it.

But I don't know what to say. It's been a long time since I dated, and 20+ years since I dated a girl. She likes girls so that's not going to be an issue. My issue is how to approach it without being creepy, weird, or just dumb. We are mutuals on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, and Instagram. Do I do this in messenger or DM's away from public eye, or like just... out there. Like a Valentine tweet? What do I say? Should I wait until after Valentine's day?

I feel so dumb right now. Hope me, Metafilter!

posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit to Human Relations (14 answers total)

Go for it! Be direct, and say the things you said here (you have a crush, share her interests, etc). Valentine's day is a fine time to do it, and you can make it lighthearted. "Cupid's arrow seems to have struck me!" kind of thing.
posted by bigplugin at 3:16 PM on February 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

I would do it in a DM instead of publicly. But yeah, go for it! Ask her to meet for coffee!
posted by sarcasticah at 3:42 PM on February 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

Don’t do it on the public timeline. I’d say ask her out on a date privately.

I don’t know about making it a Valentine’s thing...that might make it seem too loaded for you, or her (plus if she says no Vtine’s will be ruined for you.)
posted by kapers at 3:45 PM on February 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

I just started dating a woman who I've kind of spent the last couple years lowkey crushing on over social media (in my case, a number of mutual friends but we'd never specifically met each other), and it's entirely because we finally chatted and were both at the same time like HEY LET'S GET COFFEE WAIT YOU WANT TO TOO? Do it!!!
posted by augustimagination at 3:59 PM on February 13, 2018

Agree that it's better to do it privately instead of as a public thing. But yeah, totally go for it!

I wouldn't worry about this ruining Valentine's Day forever if she says no. This isn't the kind of thing that will ruin Valentine's Day; that's more like if someone breaks up with you on V Day and in any event, ruined Valentine's Days can be unruined pretty easily the next time you meet someone you really like.
posted by holborne at 4:00 PM on February 13, 2018 [4 favorites]

To clarify: have you ever met her before in real life? When you say you're mutually friended, you mean you both follow each other on those platforms rather than that you have mutual friends, right? How did you initially connect?
posted by metasarah at 4:36 PM on February 13, 2018 [4 favorites]

Today is Galentine's Day, which offers an opportunity to be appreciative of her charms and reference your many shared interests and perspectives, all in a sincere but light-hearted way that conveniently avoids all of the freight associated with Valentine's Day. Maybe use that as an excuse a reason to contact her tonight inviting her to coffee or something else low key soon... even tomorrow?
posted by carmicha at 4:49 PM on February 13, 2018

Skip Valentine's Day, it's too fraught. Send her a DM Friday.
posted by studioaudience at 8:52 PM on February 13, 2018 [3 favorites]

A message like this wouldn’t weird me out in the slightest, unless I got it on Valentine's Day.
posted by jessca84 at 9:21 PM on February 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: OMG! I did not follow proper advice and must now go into witness protection!
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 10:08 AM on February 14, 2018 [7 favorites]

OMG perfect opportunity!! Good luck! <3
posted by exceptinsects at 11:39 AM on February 14, 2018

OMG that was so brave of you! Kudos, and I will keep my fingers crossed that it works out well!
posted by chainsofreedom at 3:09 PM on February 14, 2018

Huzzah!!
posted by sarcasticah at 4:49 PM on February 14, 2018

Response by poster: It did not work out but at least I tried, so I'm chuffed. Thanks for the advice, Mefites.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 8:45 AM on February 20, 2018 [5 favorites]