How do I keep my raging lust in check while getting to know someone?
January 5, 2010 6:07 PM Subscribe
Please share with me your best tips for keeping my raging lust in check while I'm getting to know someone I find very attractive.
posted by velvet winter to human relations (24 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
I’m a single woman in my early forties, and I recently met someone who's incredibly hot and sexy, as in "he makes me utterly weak in the knees with ravenous, raw, I-just-want-to-throw-caution-to-the-wind-and-fuck-you-senseless lust."
It’s been many years since I met anyone who stirred up such primal feelings of passionate sexual desire in me. Frankly, I was beginning to think I no longer had it in me to feel this kind of erotic attraction, especially this early on in the process of getting to know someone. Oh, was I ever wrong!
This man is someone I will continue to encounter in a social context on a semi-regular basis, since we hang out in some of the same places. We are casual acquaintances – we have several mutual friends, and these social connections are very important to me, so I want to tread carefully. I’m pretty sure he likes me so far and enjoys chatting with me about our common interests whenever our paths cross, but really, we hardly know each other at this point. I think he’s single, but I don’t know for sure, and even if he is, I have no idea whether he’s attracted to me at all or would ever want to date me. I’ve considered asking him out, and I might do that eventually if he seems receptive, but at this point I feel too emotionally and hormonally overwhelmed even to engage in a simple bit of low-stakes flirting to test the waters. I sometimes find myself nervously freezing up and hastily excusing myself when I’d really rather be continuing the conversation with him, and therein lies the problem.
Feeling this way about another human being is beautiful, to be sure, but it’s also frightening and unsettling. I get tongue-tied and jittery around him. I fear I will unwittingly tip my hand too soon or come on too strong, and ungracefully ruin my chances of having at least a friendship with him if it turns out he’s not single, if the interest isn’t mutual, or if either of us discovers that there is some kind of deal-breaker here. (This has happened before in my life - my erotic attraction once obliterated a budding friendship, to my great dismay - so the fear isn’t unwarranted).
Here’s what complicates matters even further:
1) I have been single, dateless and celibate for a long time and am craving companionship and sexual attention.
2) My sexual confidence is still shaky and I bear scars from a pattern of long-term emotional withdrawal and repeated sexual rejection in my last relationship.
3) This man is quite a bit younger than me (the “cougar” stereotype sucks!)
It would be an understatement to say I am less-than-optimally equipped to sanely handle voracious erotic desire for someone in this context. Help! How do I keep my intense lust and anxiety from interfering with the process of getting to know him better? If I find out he’s taken, not interested, or incompatible with me, it’ll cool my jets quickly. But in the meantime, I need some coping strategies to help me clear mental and emotional space to get to know him.
I read through several earlier AskMe threads on dealing with crushes, dating and attraction, but couldn’t find anything from this angle. Any and all advice is appreciated, and personal anecdotes are very welcome, especially from other lusty middle-aged women who’ve successfully navigated similar situations.