Happily married; unhappily horny

March 1, 2006 9:55 PM

How do I deal (responsibly) with extramarital lust? I'm male, 31, happily married, active monogamous sex life, and yet I have an itching, almost juvenile desire to bang half the women I know. It's wrong, it's degrading, I love my wife more than anything, and I just want to stop feeling this way.
posted by anonymous to human relations (51 comments total)

Dude, it's normal. Think of it as the two halves of yourself battling. The rational part says "pay no attention to that hot little number in accounting". But the biological imperative part says "mm mm mm, I gotta get me some of that.".
The best advice I can give you is to recognise it for what it is. As long as you can seperate the rational from the biological, you'll be fine.
posted by cosmicbandito at 10:12 PM on March 1, 2006

You're never going to get rid of the desire or the feelings. That's just the nature of being a guy. We can't help it.

The fact that you haven't acted on it is what makes you better than average, and you need to pretty much just be proud of that and keep doing what you're doing... or.. really moreso keep NOT doing what you're NOT doing...

It doesn't get any more complicated than that, I'm afraid.

Someone will tell you if you truly loved your wife you wouldn't even think about sex with another woman -- please allow me to preemptively say that that someone is delusional. You will think about it. The question is will you do it - the answer is hopefully no.

Your wife looks at attractive men, too. That may not make you feel any better, but you should know that it's human nature.
posted by twiggy at 10:12 PM on March 1, 2006

Also, I don't enjoying the sight of the femal form is wrong. You're not degrading yourself or anyone else, as long as that's not ALL you think about when you're around other women.
posted by cosmicbandito at 10:14 PM on March 1, 2006

It could be that you are focusing on this because it is taboo and wrong. That makes it exciting. You want to be excited in this way at some level, so you continue to do it. Your more pragmatic side knows that this betrays your feelings for your wife, which are real and strong. I don't think the two are necessarily related. You can love your wife, have a great sex life and have reckless and dangerous thoughts about other women.

My guess is that you will have better success in dealing with it by noting when you are experiencing this behavior and then rewarding yourself in a more positive way. See a hot woman? Turn to your wife and give her a big kiss. Think about banging the new girl in accounting? Call the Mrs. and tell her what color underwear you are wearing (you get the idea).

The problem is likely that you are maintaining your letch-like behavior in a negative way. Instead of fantasizing about these women when it's triggered, focus on your wife. Just keep noting when you are doing it and change your behavior. Don't beat yourself up, just refocus the energy.

On the other hand, you could also just stop beating yourself up about it. Realize you want to bang these women, but continue loving and banging your wife. If it is only making you feel guilty and not actually something effecting your relationship or something you are wanting to act on, then just let it be. You have pervy thoughts. So be it.

If you are thinking of acting on it, I'd see a therapist and look to discover what the underlying issue is for you.
posted by qwip at 10:22 PM on March 1, 2006

Accept that you will feel these things. Resolve to always not give in to your baser nature.

Don't feel like you're degrading either yourself OR the women you admire when you feel a little extracurricular lust. You're a healthy male animal. You would be insane not to find attractive females attractive. It is your nature. Arguing with yourself that you shouldn't feel this way is a losing battle, and it will get you USED to losing battles with yourself, and make it easier for you to succumb to temptation if an opportunity presents itself. Denying reality is always a dangerous enterprise. Don't try to fight with yourself over things you feel that you have no control over. The thing you do have control over is whether you act on your desires. Don't do it. That's all you need to know.
posted by evariste at 10:40 PM on March 1, 2006

In other words, sorry, but you're not going to "stop feeling this way" unless you somehow manage to stop being a virile male animal. Your mind is remarkably less powerful than millions of years of evolution in that particular regard. However, you are powerful enough to realize the difference between fantasies and urges, and actions that can destroy your family and your happiness.
posted by evariste at 10:43 PM on March 1, 2006

Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.
posted by iviken at 10:44 PM on March 1, 2006

iviken: Someone mentioned that earlier today on metafilter. However, I'm not sure if it's accurate. So what if they want to have sex with eachother? People can want to have sex, not have sex, and still be friends, right? They just have to stop caring.

Also, it's impressive how they managed to make those two age during the movie, almost weird.
posted by delmoi at 10:49 PM on March 1, 2006

Oh, and for you anon: Just stop worrying about it. Why worry about what you think in your head and your thoughts? It will just drive you nuts.

As long as you are having sex with your wife, you'll be thinking about sex and sex with other women.
posted by delmoi at 10:52 PM on March 1, 2006

Here's a different tack -- Perhaps you dont really 'love' her anymore - or put another way -- perhaps you need to think about what constitutes 'loving' someone. Doesnt wanting ONLY to be with them, constitute a major part of 'loving' someone?
IF so, then in your case, you might want to think about why you dont love her anymore and if there's anything you can do about THAT.
posted by jak68 at 10:59 PM on March 1, 2006

Looks like someone fulfilled twiggy's prophecy.
posted by jmhodges at 11:04 PM on March 1, 2006

I recommend porn. Seriously. It's a relatively safe outlet.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:19 PM on March 1, 2006

I've been with my wife for going on twenty years. Would never hurt her by betraying her trust. Still look at hotties and get that gut desire. Sex is a helluva force, otherwise we wouldn't be here.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:22 PM on March 1, 2006

IMO, jak68 doesn't know what he's talking about.

---

"Call the Mrs. and tell her what color underwear you are wearing (you get the idea)."

Grey? And then, what, she gets all hot and bothered by that?

How odd.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:25 PM on March 1, 2006

I think Astro Zombie may be onto something. However much you may be getting off at the moment, it seems like it's not enough.
posted by teleskiving at 12:01 AM on March 2, 2006

delmoi: I agree with you, Billy Crystal's speech "men and women can never be friends" may not be 100% true and accurate. But it sounds plausible, and that's probably why people remember that speech, as well at this story:

"In an interview published in the November 1976 issue of Playboy magazine, then-Governor (Jimmy) Carter talked about the role of religion in his life. In one part he said:

" I try not to commit a deliberate sin. I recognize that I'm going to do it anyhow, because I'm human and I'm tempted. And Christ set some almost impossible standards for us. Christ said, 'I tell you that anyone who looks on a woman with lust has in his heart already committed adultery.'

"I've looked on a lot of women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. This is something that God recognizes I will do--and I have done it--and God forgives me for it."
posted by iviken at 12:09 AM on March 2, 2006

"It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you go home for dinner."
posted by Manjusri at 12:49 AM on March 2, 2006

Someone will tell you if you truly loved your wife you wouldn't even think about sex with another woman -- please allow me to preemptively say that that someone is delusional. You will think about it. The question is will you do it - the answer is hopefully no.

But there's a limit. To say that the marriage itself, and the sex in the marriage, doesn't have anything to do with it is just as delusional.

Sure, it's normal to look at other females. But if it comes from not having a good sex life at home, or a lack of attraction for your wife, you're in big trouble. And guess what... it's only going to get worse.

There is a huge difference between being in a great sexual relationship and checking out the girls in the office and having a lousy sexual relationship and checking out the girls in the office. The latter is almost certain to result in your marriage being over, or your staying in an awful marriage.

All these comments about it only being natural are too simplistic to be useful. You mean it's human nature to look at other possible partners? Duh. No shit.

But it CAN be a problem, and you writing total strangers about it probably doesn't bode well.

(also, ignore tired speeches from crappy old movies...they won't help)
posted by justgary at 1:46 AM on March 2, 2006

Grey? And then, what, she gets all hot and bothered by that?

How odd.

Hey, I assumed he was Dutch. Red banana hammocks are de rigueur in Holland...
posted by qwip at 1:52 AM on March 2, 2006

justgary: But if it comes from not having a good sex life at home, or a lack of attraction for your wife, you're in big trouble. And guess what... it's only going to get worse.

Er... the guy just said "happily married, active sex life."
posted by creeky at 2:25 AM on March 2, 2006

Are you sure it's just lust? Maybe you feel bored with the predictability of your life. Maybe you feel like less of a man when you're being a good husband. Maybe you feel like you need some opportunity to be more selfish and not think about consequences all the time. Maybe you're afraid of getting old and unattractive to anyone but your wife.

If you can figure out what it is besides just sex that excites you in the idea of sleeping around, you might find another way to bring that feeling into your life.
posted by fuzz at 2:46 AM on March 2, 2006

Don't talk to girls like me. Kidding, but really make sure the females you choose to interact with respect your relationship with your wife and won't encourage you to wallow in your lustful ways.
posted by stormygrey at 4:48 AM on March 2, 2006

I find that the squik factor of thinking about the big ugly mess that would result from an infidelity tends to dampen the desire for one pretty quickly.

And most of my sexual relationships when I was dating turned out disappointing anyway.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 5:59 AM on March 2, 2006

A combination of what Astro Zombie said and what KirkJobSlunder said works for me. Then I feel free to lust internally to my heart's content, knowing I won't act on it. (I am female).
posted by lampoil at 6:20 AM on March 2, 2006

You might want to check out this book: Kosher Adultery.
posted by zanni at 6:21 AM on March 2, 2006

That's just the nature of being a guy. We can't help it.

I don't want to hijack, but I do want to lodge my disagreement with this. I believe that biological wiring can be overcome by self-control and discipline. I'm not saying you should overcome it, or that it's right for everyone, or even that I do myself, just that the "that's how men are" argument serves as a tool to justify rape and the subjugation of women in too many parts of the world. It's an unacceptable excuse.

It's also counter to my belief in free will: I reject any claims of a biological behavioral imperative just as much as I do the idea of predestination or an omnipotent God. Expression of genes is tightly tied to environment (see "epigenetics"), as is the practice of many behaviors, and environment is well within our control—meaning a man who finds himself tempted by women can, at the very least, remove himself from environments where those temptations occur. (That's the short, short version of the argument.)
posted by Mo Nickels at 6:25 AM on March 2, 2006

If you didn't have the impulse to be attracted to other women, commitment wouldn't be much of a challenge. It is the very fact that you have these feelings and choose not to act on them that is the expression of your love for your spouse. Being faithful wouldn't mean much of anything if it wasn't for the fact that you are tempted to do otherwise.
posted by Lame_username at 6:27 AM on March 2, 2006

IANA - LICSW but....


Much of what's been so far I agree with - porn is a good outlet and self-service is always best. I'd tend to recommend against fantasizing about your wife being someone else while being intimate - unless you're confident in your love for her and are just looking for ways to keep your love life interesting.

Talk about these feelings with her - I know not every woman is the same but chances are if you are thinking about other women this way, she may be fantasizing about other man. Fantasizing is very healthy - when you act on it, (unless you and your wife are openly polyamorous), you're taking an action that is self-destructive to your relationship.

Talking about "looking at other women" and how that makes her feel might give you carte blanche to keep your active fantasy. You don't need to mention WHO you're fantasizing about but open communication is always go. My wife and I chat about things like this that may effect our relationship often, just to make sure each other is OK with it and to either stop the activity, find another outlet or simply keep the status quo.
posted by bkdelong at 6:30 AM on March 2, 2006

I reject any claims of a biological behavioral imperative just as much as I do the idea of predestination or an omnipotent God.

So what, we invented this whole "we should have sex and make babies" thing as a human construction? It seems like a pretty strong biological behavioral imperative to me.
posted by rxrfrx at 6:53 AM on March 2, 2006

Yes, Mo Nickels' casual disregard of a biological imperative seems nonsensical to me. From the context of his first paragraph I believe he means that he rejects the idea of an insurmountable biological imperative, not the idea of biological imperative in and of itself.

Speaking for myself, I don't think there is anything wrong or strange about a guy feeling lust for someone other than his significant other. I think trying to suppress those feelings would do quite a bit of harm in the long run. The question is whether you act on it or not.
posted by Justinian at 7:12 AM on March 2, 2006

Well, the problem with "biological imperative" is that the human ability to adapt sexual behavior to environmental and social context can also be said to be a "biological imperative." Naive interpreters of evolutionary psychology tend to ignore the implications that the whole kit and kaboodle is "biological," including monogamy, jealousy and guilt.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 8:13 AM on March 2, 2006

Your wife looks at attractive men, too.

Ha ha ha - only women imagine that their admiration for attractive men is equivalent to men's abject obsession with sexual possibility and variety. It's our strongest drive, maybe not stronger but more physical and immediate than your drive to find love and romance. As the comic said: when a woman is horny she's like a man is when he's not even thinking about it.

Mo Nickels is nuts if he thinks that most men could completely stop desiring all women but one. But he's right, of course, that we can resist the impulse - we're animals, but animals with free will and the creditable ability to fight our instincts. But you should at least be getting that credit! What you can do is (tactfully! not in so many words!) bring your wife to understand that you love her and want to raise babies and grow old with her and intend to never hurt her but it makes you rat-crazy every time you pass up an opportunity to shag an attractive woman however remote.

</big talk from a bachelor>
posted by nicwolff at 8:24 AM on March 2, 2006

My father, an extremely monogamous Protestant priest used to say to my brother and I, "just because you have ordered does not mean you can't look at the menu."

My father has never acted in an inappropriate manner and certainly never, to any of our knowledge, acted in any indiscreet way, however he does take note of attractive women and their attractive womanly features and readily admits to noticing this.

If it makes your wife uncomfortable, then at least cool the more overt ogling, but otherwise, you are a normal, healthy heterosexual monogamist.
posted by Pollomacho at 8:32 AM on March 2, 2006

These feelings become much worse if you keep them completely private. Bottling them up makes them feel dirty -- as if you were "sick." You may even act on them eventually, not so much due to unbearable lust -- but due to a need to relieved the repression.

So don't make it harder on yourself than necessary. Find a buddy you can talk to about it. I don't mean someone to whom you say, "I'm having this problem..." I mean someone to whom you feel totally comfortable saying, "I saw this REALLY hot chick today!" Naturally, you should make sure that your buddy respects your marriage. He shouldn't be someone who tries to talk you into living out your fantasies. He should just be someone that you can have lustful "guy talk" with -- someone to whom it's no big deal ("Wow! Look at that babe!" "Yeah, she's really cute. Hey, you wanna catch a movie?")

If you can't find such a buddy, try a therapist. I don't believe you "need therapy to cure your problem." I don't believe you have a problem -- it's normal to lust. But it IS a problem if it disturbs you and jeopardizes your marriage. And it will get worse if you don't have an outlet. Talk! Talk! Talk!

In the best case scenario, your buddy is your wife. I know this doesn't work for every couple, but it would be great if you could PLAYFULLY share some of this stuff with her. If you and she are both open, it could actually bring you closer. My wife and I have had some fun times, sitting in coffee shops, checking people out and comparing notes.

PS. I agree with all the people here who claim that these feelings are 100% normal. Of course, it's possible you may have problems in your marriage (connected or unconnected with these feelings), but that's not necessarily so. Most people lust after MULTIPLE partners before they get married. Marriage isn't some magic spell that makes that stop. It may stop at first, due to the chemistry of early love, but eventually the feelings return. It saddens me that we live in a "Victorian" culture where couples can't just joke and have fun with these feelings.

PPS. only women imagine that their admiration for attractive men is equivalent to men's abject obsession with sexual possibility and variety. This depends on the woman in question. I've known women who are much more lustful than I am. In my culture, it's more okay for men to TALK about their desires than it is for women to do so. But that says nothing about what goes on inside the head.
posted by grumblebee at 8:48 AM on March 2, 2006

I believe that biological wiring can be overcome by self-control and discipline.

Please let us all know when you've controlled your biological wiring to salivate when you're hungry and see food.
posted by frogan at 9:08 AM on March 2, 2006

I believe that biological wiring can be overcome by self-control and discipline.

Please let us all know when you've controlled your biological wiring to salivate when you're hungry and see food.

Why is this always so binary? Isn't it obvious that we have strong "biological" drives -- and that we also have a large degree of plasticity? SOME bio-drives can be overcome; some can't; some can be partially overcome; etc. And there's a huge about of variance from person to person. George may be able to overcome his lust (or his addiction to sugar); Mary may not.

I guess if you take this "complex" view, it's hard to know whether to blame someone for giving into his urges. Is this why people feel such a huge need to flip to one extreme or the other? Why not just say, "SOME people have been able to overcome this strong drive. If you're LUCKY, you might be able to, too. So why not give it a go. You might fail, but you'll never know if you don't try."?
posted by grumblebee at 9:13 AM on March 2, 2006

Why is this always so binary?

The problem is choice. You will have urges, period. That's biology. You can choose to act upon those urges or not.

I believe that biological wiring can be overcome by self-control and discipline.

What you CANNOT do is make the urges go away via self-discipline and mental gymnastics. That way lies broken marriages when you fail to live up to impossible expectations.

To say that you can reach some mental nirvana where biology no longer plays a part is conflating the issue.

Look, the man has urges and wants to reconcile them within a happy marriage. The smart people in the house are saying that the first thing to do is recognize the biology and not get hung up on the guilt for feeling the urges in the first place.

He's saying he feels as if he's "degrading" himself for doing nothing more than looking at a nice ass. Holy Jumping Jesus, there's nothing whatdoever wrong with that!

the "that's how men are" argument serves as a tool to justify rape and the subjugation of women

This is also conflating the issue. The discussion jumped from "How do I deal (responsibly) with extramarital lust" to "tool(s) to justify rape." Yeesh. Do us all a favor and go back to your Women's Studies class.
posted by frogan at 9:44 AM on March 2, 2006

whatdoever

Nothing whatsoever wrong with my spelling, either. ;-)
posted by frogan at 9:45 AM on March 2, 2006

But you should at least be getting that credit! What you can do is (tactfully! not in so many words!) bring your wife to understand that you love her and want to raise babies and grow old with her and intend to never hurt her but it makes you rat-crazy every time you pass up an opportunity to shag an attractive woman however remote.

This is a very, very bad idea. Not only will you not get any "credit," she'll instantly suspect that you're already cheating, or leading up to it, or leading up to leading up to it. Why else would you mention that you lust for other women? Your wife already knows that. "Men = eternal horndogs" is a basic cultural truthiness; you'd have to live your life in a burlap sack under the stairs to not know it.

And sorry, nicwolff -- the idea that this guy is owed "credit" is... bacheloresque. Unless a married/committed couple has explicitly made other arrangements, fidelity is considered the default. Expecting credit for not cheating is like expecting praise for your fashion sense when you remember to put on your pants.

Anonymous, I like the idea of redirecting your carnal energy toward your wife. If your lust has increased suddenly, it might be worth thinking about what else is going on, anything you might be unwilling/unable to deal with directly -- fear of getting old, fear of turning into your father, career frustrations, blah blah blah. Also, talk to your male friends -- the ones in stable, functional relationships. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting, fantasizing, imagining. Just make sure you maintain the boundary between wanting and acting.

It really is worth the work of figuring out how to deal with this, and then dealing.
posted by vetiver at 9:47 AM on March 2, 2006

Ohh, Can't. Resist.

grumblebee: These feelings become much worse if you keep them completely private. Bottling them up makes them feel dirty -- as if you were "sick." You may even act on them eventually, not so much due to unbearable lust -- but due to a need to relieved the repression.

I've seen little evidence that the "repression" model actually works. That is, keeping the feelings private is not a big deal. I don't feel the need to confess every time a cute person turns my head. It's there, it's gone, it's forgotten. I suspect the problem is feeling guilty about it.

frogan: The problem is choice. You will have urges, period. That's biology. You can choose to act upon those urges or not.

Well, if you want to go down that road, evolutionary psychology would suggest that the ability to make a choice is also an evolved "biological" response, as is feeling guilty about actual or potential infidelity. But the evolution of sexual desire and infidelity seems to sell more magazines than the evolution of guilt.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 10:00 AM on March 2, 2006

Mo Nickels is smokin' it. Channel it, don't stifle it. Be better for using it, don't be worse for it using you.

While there is nothing wrong with porn, I also recommend sprints and 80%-of-max reps. While these may make the urges stronger, they also make the body more compliant to the will and the mind more capable of focus.

Accepting one's nature is proper, letting the mind lead is best.
You are not still by nature, but you can be still when it suits you.
posted by ewkpates at 10:19 AM on March 2, 2006

And sorry, nicwolff -- the idea that this guy is owed "credit" is... bacheloresque. Unless a married/committed couple has explicitly made other arrangements, fidelity is considered the default. Expecting credit for not cheating is like expecting praise for your fashion sense when you remember to put on your pants.

Goddamn it I knew I forgot something this morning.

Look, the drive to spread our seed widely before we die is the primary goal evolution has programmed into the male limbic brain. When a man promotes peace over violence, tolerance over xenophobia, communitarianism over tribal nationalism; when he unselfishly risks his life; we heroise him for rising above his animal nature. All I'm saying is that a little understanding pat on the back is warranted for the ordinary fallible guy who brings it home to the missus.
posted by nicwolff at 10:23 AM on March 2, 2006

I've seen little evidence that the "repression" model actually works. That is, keeping the feelings private is not a big deal. I don't feel the need to confess every time a cute person turns my head.

I guess I was confusing. I wasn't suggesting one needs to confess each time one gets a boner. I was suggesting one needs an outlet for something that feels bottled up. To make it stop feeling bottled up.
posted by grumblebee at 10:25 AM on March 2, 2006

You're young, you've got lots of energy and hormones. IANA Guy, but maybe extra exercise would help. Plus porn and masturbation. Maybe livening up your sex life with your wife - buy her some racier lacy stuff, go camping and have sex outdoors, try something you haven't done for a while.

Good for you for looking for a way to deal with it while being faithful to your marriage.
posted by theora55 at 10:27 AM on March 2, 2006

Great thread with lots of insightful comments. I'm with the crowd that says extramarital lust is natural and should be enjoyed internally and discretely.

I just want to add that if you're feeling guilty for your thoughts, you might consider the dynamic between you and your wife as regards her understanding and acceptance of your lustful--or, let's be diplomatic and say "appreciative"--feelings.

Over the years, I've had girlfriends who have spanned the spectrum of sexual self-comfort: On one side, I've known lovers who enjoy sitting back and ogling women with me, exchanging little observations in a conspiratorial spirit; on the other side, I've known women whose eyes dart jealously at me the moment any other woman passes by.

If you're feeling painfully guilty for having sexual thoughts about women other than your wife, you might ask yourself how comfortable your wife is with your sexual feelings for her and for others. This is something you have to work out, the sooner the better. For me, this was a matter of making sure I created a context of sexual assuredness for my lover--make sure I demonstrate my love and attraction regularly--and then gently but clearly asserting my belief that it's natural to notice other people.

Again, make sure you're wife knows and feels your love and attraction. Refuse to be hectored, refuse to feel like you're under the gun whenever an attractive woman passes. When you no longer feel like a dog on the end of a tight leash, the beauty of other women will flow like a river through your life.
posted by squirrel at 10:41 AM on March 2, 2006

Even Jimmy Carter told Playboy "he lusts in his heart" And Jimmy Carter is a saint, who adores his wife and has been married for 60 years. Don't worry about it.

Here's the Jimmy Carter playboy intereview if you're interested.

http://www.arts.mcgill.ca/history/faculty/TROYWEB/Courseweb/JimmyCarterThePlayboyInterview.htm
posted by bananafish at 10:46 AM on March 2, 2006

Carter caught a lot of flack for that interview, as I recall.
posted by squirrel at 10:50 AM on March 2, 2006

It occurs to me that if you're lusting after various casually encountered women that's normal and safe; it's when you fixate on one woman who isn't your wife that things get tricky. But unless that's the case, as others have said, you're just being a regular guy.
posted by zadcat at 8:46 PM on March 2, 2006

If you need to have extramarital sex go ahead and do it. This is relatively normal. The vast majority of guys will have at least one affair in a long term relationship. Just be smart enough about it so that she doesnt find out.
posted by petsounds at 10:54 AM on March 3, 2006

Yeah really, what fun is a promise if you actually have to keep it?

Remind me to never loan you any money, Petsounds.
posted by raider at 11:18 AM on March 5, 2006

okay. i just felt like giving bad advice :)
posted by petsounds at 12:14 AM on March 11, 2006